Be Merciful
We all love mercy when we’re the recipient. When we’re the giver, however, it’s much more difficult.
I’m both intrigued and terrified by Benedict. I’m intrigued that he is constantly learning, even though he can’t verbalize his experiences in English. I’m terrified that he’s already learning from my example. As I continually consider what things I want to highlight for him, the subject of mercy comes up.
I’m a frequent sinner and consequently I’m frequently in line for Confession. Each time I go to the Sacrament, I receive a ridiculous amount of mercy that I in no way merit and, for good measure, within a week or two, I’m back in line. Yet, because I am a child of God and because He desires a relationship with me, He continues to forgive and I get another chance to get it right.
There’s an amazing lesson in that mystery. God desires a relationship with me so deeply that He’s willing to forgive my numerous offenses. We all need a little more of that.
It’s terribly sad when parents and children aren’t talking because of something that happened years ago. It’s terribly sad when marriages break up because of a serious breach of trust. It’s terribly sad when someone leaves the Church because they can’t reconcile with some teaching.
We all experience serious breaches of trust. We all experience betrayal. We all experience disappointment in relationships. Yet, we’re supposed to be merciful. We’re supposed to extend the olive branch. We desire to be in relationship with the person who hurt us. Do we want it deeply enough to overlook offenses?
Are you merciful with your wife?
Are you merciful with your kids?
Are you merciful with your friends?
Are you merciful with your coworkers?
Are you merciful with yourself?
The great thing about mercy is its intrinsic healing properties. Mercy fosters trust. A broken trust starts to heal, even if slowly, when mercy is given. Mercy fosters love. When you receive mercy or extend it, you get a glimpse into the heart of God. Mercy fosters peace. Mercy ends conflict and brings harmony.
The next time you’re in a position where someone hurts you, extend mercy so that you both might experience its beauty.
Be A Saint, Now
I think that we have a pretty unhealthy view of Heaven. I’d venture to guess that most Catholics, myself included, take the St. Augustine view… “Lord make me holy, but not yet.” How different would our lives be, how different would our marriages be, if we instead took the approach, “Lord, make me holy now."
Alison and I have found a rich little Catholic community here in Northern Virginia. It’s really pretty incredible. Our parish is vibrant and the homilies are choice. One of the running themes over the past several weeks, thanks mainly to this year’s Gospel cycle, is the universal call to holiness. In combination with the recent canonizations and persecutions, the message is loud and clear, “You don’t have to wait until you’re old to be a saint!"
We like to think of sainthood as something lofty, as we should. Yet, we take it a step further and think it’s reserved for a select few. It’s true that out of all of human history, a very small percentage of people are canonized. At the same time, the Church’s teachings are clear: there are untold numbers of people who are in Heaven (saints) that the Church hasn’t canonized. The purpose of canonization is not to separate the wheat from the chaff, it’s to hold up examples to the Church here on earth. The purpose of canonization is to celebrate our participation in Salvation History. Canonized saints are just a few examples of regular people who lived their lives right.
We all have difficulties and struggles in the spiritual life. Those challenges tend to spill over into other areas of our lives. This is normal, as we are integrated people. You can’t separate the spirituality from the intellect from the sexuality of a human person. So when we’re living our lives in a way that will lead us to sainthood, other aspects of our lives get better. We have better days, richer relationships, and more peace and joy. When we stray, everything gets a bit worse.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
The decision to be a saint is made today.
Sainthood is a culmination of a life of service and sacrifice. Our modern saints are an excellent example of this. Saint John Paul II’s entire life embodied these two principles. He subverted the Nazis, destroyed Communism, taught us about the beauty of human sexuality and showed us a witness of love through terminal illness. He showed us that no life is unimportant, no life is expendable, no one is replaceable.
He didn’t wake up one morning and have the fortitude and tenacity to challenge power. His daily decision to follow Christ from a young age prepared him for the mission he was called to live.
It’s never too late. It’s never too late to start following Christ. Today’s the day you start. Today’s the day you start living the life you were supposed to live. Today’s the day you start your journey towards sainthood.
True joy comes from living in the Law. It’s like following the owners manual for your car. The closer you follow the manual, the better your ride drives.
Man up. Start today. Start small. Start at home. And let your children “catch you.”
Fun in Your Community
One of the tragedies of our technological world is that we’ve stopped using our local resources.
To celebrate our anniversary this year, Alison and I went on a day hike. We had a bigger adventure planned, but the weather forced us to think smaller. My parents took Benedict for the day and we trekked out. We went to a state park near our house in the foothills and I was nothing short of stunned. The views were amazing, the trails were varied and fun, and I got up close to a cow. It was an amazing outing.
Our communities have a whole host of opportunities for us to take advantage. From museums to farmers markets, from hiking trails to unique stores, there’s a lot going on. It can be easy for us to just hang out at home and bum around on the internet. We really deserve more. There are tons of other local things to do.
Get out there and find them.
Pray and Don’t Worry
Prayer and worry are incompatible. If you pray and then worry, your prayer is cancelled out. Prayer is the first step of faith.
One of my favorite parts about being Catholic is how deep and wide the Church is. Whether it be expressions of faith or even theology, there’s always something new to discover. Over the past few months as Alison and I have made the move to Washington, DC and started new jobs, I’ve done a lot of worrying. It’s not just that things are different or that they’re new, it’s that we’ve never lived through a transition like this together and we just don’t know what’s going to happen next or if our plans are realistic.
Since God, like any good parent, doesn’t like to waste any opportunities for teaching moments, I’ve noticed that my faith has gotten pretty weak. I believe, but I don’t completely trust.
What is faith? Faith is trust. It’s trust in God that His Word is true. The popular phrase is “Let go and let God.” I agree that we need to let go, but it’s easier said than done.
We’re active participants in Salvation History. If by “letting go and letting God” I sit on my couch all day, nothing will get done. I’m God’s hands, His feet, His mouth. We’re an active part of the plan. We can truly only be a part of the plan if we have a relationship with Him.
I once heard a priest say that we put more faith in Tylenol than we do in the Eucharist. He reasoned that when we take Tylenol, we expect something to happen. Yet, when we receive the Eucharist, in all of it’s miraculous mystery and bundle of graces, we expect nothing. That’s a crisis of faith.
When you pray, something happens. When you pray the rosary, something happens. When you go spend a few minutes in quiet Adoration, something happens.
We don’t want to be presumptuous and we don’t want to put God to the test. But faith isn’t doing either of those things. Faith is trusting in God’s Word. God told us that the Eucharist has untold graces available to those who are open to them. The Rosary has literally changed the course of history. The exposed Blessed Sacrament has brought about untold miracles. So by reverently receiving the Eucharist or praying with our whole hearts, we need to trust Him and expect something to happen, because it will.
Knowing all of this, knowing the amazing events in human history that have been drastically affected by prayer, pray with confidence. If prayer can close an abortion clinic, it can help you. If prayer can bring down Communism, it can help you. If prayer can stop the Ottoman Empire from turning the Basilica of St. Peter into a mosque, it can help you.
Worry is wasted energy and time. Spend that time in prayer and then trust that God will give you the help and the graces that you need to finally make it home.
Be Transparently Catholic
In the 8th grade, I read the great American Classic, To Kill A Mockingbird. One of the scenes in the book that has stuck with me all of these years is Atticus Finch explaining to his daughter Scout that he can’t be one person in public and another person at home. That integrity of character is something we should all be striving for.
I’ve found in my own life that I tend to shy away from praying in public. We recently went on a work retreat with Alison’s practice. The dining was family-style and we were sitting with a pretty big group of people. I prayed the blessing privately, but was disappointed in myself for skipping the sign of the cross. It’s not that I was embarrassed, it’s that I didn’t want to make other people uncomfortable. I fell short of the integrity of character that I claim to want to have.
Do you have someone in your family or your friends group that’s Catholic, but you frequently find yourself wondering if they’re practicing? Maybe it only comes up when you go and visit them during holidays. Will they have an Advent wreath? Can I talk about what I gave up for Lent?
One of my hopes for my family is that we’re so transparently Catholic that there’s never a question. It’s not my goal that we’re in everyone’s face about it. I want us to practice our faith in public just as we do at home. So when we’re eating out, we pray just as if we were around our own dinner table. When we’re driving somewhere with people and an emergency vehicle passes by, we say a prayer out loud just as we do in our own cars. When we’re out exercising, if we choose to make that a prayerful time, we pray out loud. When we’re traveling or on vacation, we maintain our prayer routine. There’s no vacation from God!
The fact is, we’re pretty bold about being Catholic in our own homes. We’re pretty bold about being Catholic at our parish. But what about in all aspects of our lives? We’re ambassadors of the Church. We’re always teaching our children. So if they see this split personality, we run the risk of them adopting the same practice in their own lives.
There’s nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Be transparently Catholic. Be who you are.
Why You Should Wake Up at 5am
5am is early. As I write this, it’s 5:19am and I’ve been up for 25 minutes. It seems crazy. There really isn’t much of a need for me to be up this early. Or is there?
Getting an early start to your day can be a key to your success. But why should 5am be the time to do it?
• You probably own 5am. Our schedules can be varied from day-to-day. Because of that variety, it can be difficult to schedule certain activities, like exercise. By getting out of bed at 5am, you can be sure that nothing will interrupt you. If you work on flex time or early, maybe your “5am” is in the evening. The point is, you need time that you can 95% guarantee that you’ll have available for your most precious activities. That way, you’ll know they’ll get done.
• 5am is guilt-free. At 5am, I hope that your wife and kids are still in bed. This means that you can have this time to yourself without sacrificing time with your family. You can chase your dream, get some excellent prayer time in, play your favorite video game, exercise, whatever! This is guilt-free time.
• Today is a gift. One of the greatest sins that we can commit is sloth. In fact, oddly enough, sloth made it into the 7 deadly sins. In this instance, sloth is referring to laziness towards spiritual things, like prayer. But if we truly believe that each day is a gift, then sloth might also be referring to laziness with the use of our time. Today is a gift, so get out of bed and use it!
If you change your story, you can change your life. Set that alarm clock a little earlier and get out there and do something great!
2 Years In
Two weeks ago, Alison and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary. I’d like to share with you a few thoughts about what I’ve learned so far.
I’ve got a long way to go to become the man I was made to be.
I don’t know when I’ll reach the finish line, but I know that I don’t have to wait until tomorrow to start being an awesome husband.
I’ll never stop growing as a man and as a husband.
I’ll never stop learning how to love her better.
Dear Benedict, Live Purely
Dear Benedict,
I wanted to write you this letter because it’s my responsibility to help you grow into the man that you were made to be. You were created with a very specific purpose in the course of Salvation History. Your mother and I are so privileged and honored to have you in our lives. You are a constant source of joy and fulfillment to me personally and to our marriage. You are truly the fruit of our love.
I know that it’s difficult to be a man today. Things were difficult in my youth, and I know that things are 100x more difficult for you now. Time has marched on and our society has continued its relentless pursuit of hedonistic individualism. It’s not right that they make it so hard for you to be the man that you were made to be, but we have a secret weapon. We have our faith.
No matter how much the world changes, throughout the history of the Church, She has remained steadfast. Whenever you are in a difficult position, look to the Church for aid and comfort. You can trust Her. She has your best intentions at heart.
I want to take this time to talk to you about the one virtue you must have to be a real man. You must be pure. Sadly, our culture has lost its way. We’ve forgotten about the intrinsic value of the human person. We’ve stopped expecting men to be men and we’ve stopped treating women in the way that they deserve.
I hope that I’ve given you a good example. I love your mother and she is the person whom I love most in the world. I hope that by watching us and how we manage our household, you can see that deep love and bond that we share. I hope that as you’ve seen me lead our family that you’ve been inspired to grow in holiness.
In this letter, I want to give you a model for your life and how you relate with women. This is going to be a challenge because almost every point that I will lay out has serious pushback from all sides. The media and probably even your peers would disagree with what I’m about to tell you. They’ll tell you that I’m wrong or old-fashioned or too conservative.
The truth is that what I’m going to share with you is backed by solid philosophy and an evidence-based track record spanning recorded human history. What they tell you is nothing more than thinly-veiled repackaged lies that have been proven over and over again to lead to despair and destruction.
Remember son, I only want what’s best for you. From the moment that your mother and I found out that you existed, we have both sacrificed everything for you and we’ve done it with great joy. The world wants you to follow it for it’s own benefit. Your mother and I want you to follow us for your benefit.
Let’s get started.
You need to live a pure and chaste life. The gift of human sexuality is one of the most precious that we’ve been given by God. To be able to actively and directly participate in His plan of creation and salvation is a deep honor. It tells us so much about how He views us and trusts us. It’s true that sex is a pleasurable act. But sex can only reach its apex within a marriage. Within the context of marriage, spouses are safe to surrender to each other. The martial act is physical, but it transcends space and time. It binds the spouses together emotionally, physically and spiritually. It mirrors God’s love for the Church and is such a powerful force of nature that it can literally beget life. Sex within marriage is true freedom. Sexual acts of any type outside of marriage are an enslavement. It can lead to addiction just as strong and destructive as any illicit drug or alcoholism. Your future wife deserves to have all of your heart, not what’s left by time she gets to you. Save your heart and your purity for her. If you’re called to the priesthood, save it as a gift to the Church and Her saving mission. By embracing a life of purity, you’ll be the master of your body and will respect God’s greatest gift to you.
Purity starts with a proper view of women. One of my favorite activities is to people watch. I like to look at them and think about their lives. Who are they? How did they get here? What do they do? What is their family like? What was their happiest moment? Each person has a soul and God knows their whole story. It’s incredible. Men and women were made for each other. We know this to be Truth in the physical reality of the complimentary nature of our bodies, the complimentary nature of our intellects, and through the teachings of the Church. We weren’t chosen to be the bearers of life, women were. That fact alone merits the highest respect possible from us. We have a role in the family and it, too, is important At the end of the day, however, women have the capacity to nurture new life. Women aren’t sexual objects for us to consume and conquer, they’re human persons with dignity and the title of “life bearer.” If you want to be truly free from impurity, never lose this vision of women.
Don’t let anything get in the way of your purity. There are plenty of opportunities to participate in a culture that denigrates women and celebrates selfishness. Our family doesn’t participate in that. This is perhaps going to be the hardest thing for both of us. There will be movies that your friends will see that you won’t be able to. There will be television shows that they will enjoy and talk about that we won’t watch. There will be musicians that they listen to that we don’t listen to. Your mother and I promise to be judicious in deciding what you can see, watch, and listen to and what you can’t. We have a very high standard. It’s a waste of the gift of life to spend our time consuming media that doesn’t build us up. It will seem unfair and it may even be embarrassing for you with your friends, but media has the ability to subvert us. It has a way of changing our perception and normalizing things that shouldn’t be normalized. We want to protect you in these formative years and give you the decision making tools to carry you through adulthood.
We will be helping you use electronic communications constructively. We’re both very lucky to be living in the this world of communications technology. You’re able to keep in touch with friends around the world, engage in dialogue, and see some very funny internet videos. Your mother and I are going to help you to use these technologies constructively. We as human persons are the master of these technologies, they’re designed to serve us. We need to keep that in mind. To help, we’re going to sit down together on a regular basis and decide who you should be connected with and whom you shouldn’t. This is about more than just stranger danger. In the summer months, we’re going to have to disconnect from your female peers who show too much skin on the beach. We must respect them even if they don’t know how to respect themselves. We’re going to have to disconnect from your male peers who post pictures of themselves breaking the law. Laws created justly must be obeyed, no matter our personal opinion. Jesus showed us that when He spoke to Pilate. We’re going to put our technology away at dinner, there won’t be any TVs or computers in your room, and at a certain time each night we’re going to take your phone and other technology and put it away. We’re going to have an internet safety plan that keeps us all safe. This, too, may be difficult to endure when some of your friends have free rein. Remember, we love you and we want you to be truly free. This is how responsible adults behave. We know our limits, we see areas of temptation and we avoid them
We’re going to say no to pornography of any type. The statistics on the exposure of youth to pornography are beyond frightening. The scarier thing is the truth behind it. Not only is pornography as addictive as the most dangerous of drugs, pornographers routinely participate in human trafficking to meet demand. Women are literally enslaved. I said a moment ago that we’re going to have an internet safety plan, but there are going to be times when you’re with friends or somewhere else and they’re going to try to show you something. It will be tremendously difficult to say no, but I want you to call me or your mother and we’ll come and get you right away. It’s not your fault, we won’t be mad at you. We want to help you be the man you were made to be. We want to respect women and not participate in anything that continues the immoral and criminal treatment of women.
Above all, I’m always here to talk. If you make a mistake, if something pops up on the computer, if anything happens, I want you to have the courage to talk to me about it. I promise not to get mad or to treat you harshly. Even I need mercy in my own life. The evil of impurity relies on secrecy and lies. This is where the Devil operates. There really are accidents and if something happens, I want to work with you to make sure that it can’t happen again. I want to show you that love conquers all and I want to emulate God’s endless mercy for us.
With all of this, I hope to help you to grow and mature. There will be times when we disagree, but know that I seek to do all things to help you be the man you were made to be. Your mother and I do all of this today because there will be a day when you pack your bags and leave the safety of our home. All of the choices will be yours. When that day comes, I want you to have the confidence you need to keep making good decisions so that you can be prepared to give your whole heart to your beloved or to the Church.
Right now, your wife is somewhere in the world. She is either an amazing young lady or the Church. She deserves a great man to love her. With each day, pray for her. With each day, make decisions that will prepare you to be the best husband you can for her.
You were made for greatness. You were made for true freedom. Be that man.
I love you.
Dad
Why You Should Meditate
I think one of the most devastating things in our modern era is that we’ve stopped being a reflective people. Instead of taking time to think about past actions or how we can improve as people, we run from one thing to the next. The consequence is that we keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This is why our confessions sound eerily familiar and we keep getting into the same fights with our spouses.
One of the techniques that have been recommended to me for migraine management is taking time to meditate daily. I don’t do it very faithfully, but when I have taken the time to meditate, I’ve gained tremendous benefit. Stress is an ugly thing. When you have a stressful event in your life, it’s a distraction. It grows. Your mind inflates it to unreasonable levels.
When we meditate, we combat stress. Things get put back into perspective, into their proper place in our lives. We consider our recent actions and evaluate ourselves based on a set of standards. Am I loving my wife well? Am I giving good example to those around me? Am I being the person I want to be?
We need to take time each day in silence. We need to keep our live in balance and perspective. We need physical space to free up our consciousness. Our brains need some down time each day that doesn’t involve mindlessly watching TV.
I’ve found meditation to be an excellent form of prayer. We all seek a sense of peace in our lives. During mediation, when you give yourself permission to relax, you get a glimpse into that peace. When you bring everything back to the center, you can physically feel weight coming off of your shoulders.
Practicing meditation is a lot like going to confession. You unload that which is bringing you down, you gain a better understanding of who you are as a person. It’s not as good as confession, but both are necessary.
Getting started is simple. Carve out 10 minutes of your day and find a quiet place. I like to use the iOS app “Simply Being” to help me through this time. During these 10 minutes, take a look at your life. Things will come up to the surface. Deal with them and then let them go. This is a time to be vulnerable, this is a time to be realistic.
We all need permission to let go of past mistakes, hurts, and stresses. Give yourself that permission today.
How to Avoid Wasting Afternoons
Wasting time is a waste of time.
I hate afternoons or evenings where I just sit around watching TV for 2 or 3 hours. Of course, I’m not just watching TV, I’m usually on my phone reading news, checking Twitter, or doing one of the countless other things that are possible with phones today. It’s not that I’ve neglected my to do list… usually at that point in the day, everything is pretty much done. It’s that I yearn to be doing something meaningful.
We certainly all have a need to relax. With work and chores, we spend plenty of time engaged and expending energy and we need to set aside some time each day for relaxation. But healthy relaxation isn’t zoning out… it’s unwinding.
Reading is relaxing. Playing a board game can be relaxing. Going for an evening walk is relaxing. Enjoying dinner as a family is relaxing.
We need to relax, not be excessively idle. Idle hands are the Devil’s tools.
So get off the couch and go do something meaningful with your evening. You deserve it.