Be Transparently Catholic
In the 8th grade, I read the great American Classic, To Kill A Mockingbird. One of the scenes in the book that has stuck with me all of these years is Atticus Finch explaining to his daughter Scout that he can’t be one person in public and another person at home. That integrity of character is something we should all be striving for.
I’ve found in my own life that I tend to shy away from praying in public. We recently went on a work retreat with Alison’s practice. The dining was family-style and we were sitting with a pretty big group of people. I prayed the blessing privately, but was disappointed in myself for skipping the sign of the cross. It’s not that I was embarrassed, it’s that I didn’t want to make other people uncomfortable. I fell short of the integrity of character that I claim to want to have.
Do you have someone in your family or your friends group that’s Catholic, but you frequently find yourself wondering if they’re practicing? Maybe it only comes up when you go and visit them during holidays. Will they have an Advent wreath? Can I talk about what I gave up for Lent?
One of my hopes for my family is that we’re so transparently Catholic that there’s never a question. It’s not my goal that we’re in everyone’s face about it. I want us to practice our faith in public just as we do at home. So when we’re eating out, we pray just as if we were around our own dinner table. When we’re driving somewhere with people and an emergency vehicle passes by, we say a prayer out loud just as we do in our own cars. When we’re out exercising, if we choose to make that a prayerful time, we pray out loud. When we’re traveling or on vacation, we maintain our prayer routine. There’s no vacation from God!
The fact is, we’re pretty bold about being Catholic in our own homes. We’re pretty bold about being Catholic at our parish. But what about in all aspects of our lives? We’re ambassadors of the Church. We’re always teaching our children. So if they see this split personality, we run the risk of them adopting the same practice in their own lives.
There’s nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Be transparently Catholic. Be who you are.
Why You Should Wake Up at 5am
5am is early. As I write this, it’s 5:19am and I’ve been up for 25 minutes. It seems crazy. There really isn’t much of a need for me to be up this early. Or is there?
Getting an early start to your day can be a key to your success. But why should 5am be the time to do it?
• You probably own 5am. Our schedules can be varied from day-to-day. Because of that variety, it can be difficult to schedule certain activities, like exercise. By getting out of bed at 5am, you can be sure that nothing will interrupt you. If you work on flex time or early, maybe your “5am” is in the evening. The point is, you need time that you can 95% guarantee that you’ll have available for your most precious activities. That way, you’ll know they’ll get done.
• 5am is guilt-free. At 5am, I hope that your wife and kids are still in bed. This means that you can have this time to yourself without sacrificing time with your family. You can chase your dream, get some excellent prayer time in, play your favorite video game, exercise, whatever! This is guilt-free time.
• Today is a gift. One of the greatest sins that we can commit is sloth. In fact, oddly enough, sloth made it into the 7 deadly sins. In this instance, sloth is referring to laziness towards spiritual things, like prayer. But if we truly believe that each day is a gift, then sloth might also be referring to laziness with the use of our time. Today is a gift, so get out of bed and use it!
If you change your story, you can change your life. Set that alarm clock a little earlier and get out there and do something great!
2 Years In
Two weeks ago, Alison and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary. I’d like to share with you a few thoughts about what I’ve learned so far.
I’ve got a long way to go to become the man I was made to be.
I don’t know when I’ll reach the finish line, but I know that I don’t have to wait until tomorrow to start being an awesome husband.
I’ll never stop growing as a man and as a husband.
I’ll never stop learning how to love her better.
Dear Benedict, Live Purely
Dear Benedict,
I wanted to write you this letter because it’s my responsibility to help you grow into the man that you were made to be. You were created with a very specific purpose in the course of Salvation History. Your mother and I are so privileged and honored to have you in our lives. You are a constant source of joy and fulfillment to me personally and to our marriage. You are truly the fruit of our love.
I know that it’s difficult to be a man today. Things were difficult in my youth, and I know that things are 100x more difficult for you now. Time has marched on and our society has continued its relentless pursuit of hedonistic individualism. It’s not right that they make it so hard for you to be the man that you were made to be, but we have a secret weapon. We have our faith.
No matter how much the world changes, throughout the history of the Church, She has remained steadfast. Whenever you are in a difficult position, look to the Church for aid and comfort. You can trust Her. She has your best intentions at heart.
I want to take this time to talk to you about the one virtue you must have to be a real man. You must be pure. Sadly, our culture has lost its way. We’ve forgotten about the intrinsic value of the human person. We’ve stopped expecting men to be men and we’ve stopped treating women in the way that they deserve.
I hope that I’ve given you a good example. I love your mother and she is the person whom I love most in the world. I hope that by watching us and how we manage our household, you can see that deep love and bond that we share. I hope that as you’ve seen me lead our family that you’ve been inspired to grow in holiness.
In this letter, I want to give you a model for your life and how you relate with women. This is going to be a challenge because almost every point that I will lay out has serious pushback from all sides. The media and probably even your peers would disagree with what I’m about to tell you. They’ll tell you that I’m wrong or old-fashioned or too conservative.
The truth is that what I’m going to share with you is backed by solid philosophy and an evidence-based track record spanning recorded human history. What they tell you is nothing more than thinly-veiled repackaged lies that have been proven over and over again to lead to despair and destruction.
Remember son, I only want what’s best for you. From the moment that your mother and I found out that you existed, we have both sacrificed everything for you and we’ve done it with great joy. The world wants you to follow it for it’s own benefit. Your mother and I want you to follow us for your benefit.
Let’s get started.
You need to live a pure and chaste life. The gift of human sexuality is one of the most precious that we’ve been given by God. To be able to actively and directly participate in His plan of creation and salvation is a deep honor. It tells us so much about how He views us and trusts us. It’s true that sex is a pleasurable act. But sex can only reach its apex within a marriage. Within the context of marriage, spouses are safe to surrender to each other. The martial act is physical, but it transcends space and time. It binds the spouses together emotionally, physically and spiritually. It mirrors God’s love for the Church and is such a powerful force of nature that it can literally beget life. Sex within marriage is true freedom. Sexual acts of any type outside of marriage are an enslavement. It can lead to addiction just as strong and destructive as any illicit drug or alcoholism. Your future wife deserves to have all of your heart, not what’s left by time she gets to you. Save your heart and your purity for her. If you’re called to the priesthood, save it as a gift to the Church and Her saving mission. By embracing a life of purity, you’ll be the master of your body and will respect God’s greatest gift to you.
Purity starts with a proper view of women. One of my favorite activities is to people watch. I like to look at them and think about their lives. Who are they? How did they get here? What do they do? What is their family like? What was their happiest moment? Each person has a soul and God knows their whole story. It’s incredible. Men and women were made for each other. We know this to be Truth in the physical reality of the complimentary nature of our bodies, the complimentary nature of our intellects, and through the teachings of the Church. We weren’t chosen to be the bearers of life, women were. That fact alone merits the highest respect possible from us. We have a role in the family and it, too, is important At the end of the day, however, women have the capacity to nurture new life. Women aren’t sexual objects for us to consume and conquer, they’re human persons with dignity and the title of “life bearer.” If you want to be truly free from impurity, never lose this vision of women.
Don’t let anything get in the way of your purity. There are plenty of opportunities to participate in a culture that denigrates women and celebrates selfishness. Our family doesn’t participate in that. This is perhaps going to be the hardest thing for both of us. There will be movies that your friends will see that you won’t be able to. There will be television shows that they will enjoy and talk about that we won’t watch. There will be musicians that they listen to that we don’t listen to. Your mother and I promise to be judicious in deciding what you can see, watch, and listen to and what you can’t. We have a very high standard. It’s a waste of the gift of life to spend our time consuming media that doesn’t build us up. It will seem unfair and it may even be embarrassing for you with your friends, but media has the ability to subvert us. It has a way of changing our perception and normalizing things that shouldn’t be normalized. We want to protect you in these formative years and give you the decision making tools to carry you through adulthood.
We will be helping you use electronic communications constructively. We’re both very lucky to be living in the this world of communications technology. You’re able to keep in touch with friends around the world, engage in dialogue, and see some very funny internet videos. Your mother and I are going to help you to use these technologies constructively. We as human persons are the master of these technologies, they’re designed to serve us. We need to keep that in mind. To help, we’re going to sit down together on a regular basis and decide who you should be connected with and whom you shouldn’t. This is about more than just stranger danger. In the summer months, we’re going to have to disconnect from your female peers who show too much skin on the beach. We must respect them even if they don’t know how to respect themselves. We’re going to have to disconnect from your male peers who post pictures of themselves breaking the law. Laws created justly must be obeyed, no matter our personal opinion. Jesus showed us that when He spoke to Pilate. We’re going to put our technology away at dinner, there won’t be any TVs or computers in your room, and at a certain time each night we’re going to take your phone and other technology and put it away. We’re going to have an internet safety plan that keeps us all safe. This, too, may be difficult to endure when some of your friends have free rein. Remember, we love you and we want you to be truly free. This is how responsible adults behave. We know our limits, we see areas of temptation and we avoid them
We’re going to say no to pornography of any type. The statistics on the exposure of youth to pornography are beyond frightening. The scarier thing is the truth behind it. Not only is pornography as addictive as the most dangerous of drugs, pornographers routinely participate in human trafficking to meet demand. Women are literally enslaved. I said a moment ago that we’re going to have an internet safety plan, but there are going to be times when you’re with friends or somewhere else and they’re going to try to show you something. It will be tremendously difficult to say no, but I want you to call me or your mother and we’ll come and get you right away. It’s not your fault, we won’t be mad at you. We want to help you be the man you were made to be. We want to respect women and not participate in anything that continues the immoral and criminal treatment of women.
Above all, I’m always here to talk. If you make a mistake, if something pops up on the computer, if anything happens, I want you to have the courage to talk to me about it. I promise not to get mad or to treat you harshly. Even I need mercy in my own life. The evil of impurity relies on secrecy and lies. This is where the Devil operates. There really are accidents and if something happens, I want to work with you to make sure that it can’t happen again. I want to show you that love conquers all and I want to emulate God’s endless mercy for us.
With all of this, I hope to help you to grow and mature. There will be times when we disagree, but know that I seek to do all things to help you be the man you were made to be. Your mother and I do all of this today because there will be a day when you pack your bags and leave the safety of our home. All of the choices will be yours. When that day comes, I want you to have the confidence you need to keep making good decisions so that you can be prepared to give your whole heart to your beloved or to the Church.
Right now, your wife is somewhere in the world. She is either an amazing young lady or the Church. She deserves a great man to love her. With each day, pray for her. With each day, make decisions that will prepare you to be the best husband you can for her.
You were made for greatness. You were made for true freedom. Be that man.
I love you.
Dad
Why You Should Meditate
I think one of the most devastating things in our modern era is that we’ve stopped being a reflective people. Instead of taking time to think about past actions or how we can improve as people, we run from one thing to the next. The consequence is that we keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This is why our confessions sound eerily familiar and we keep getting into the same fights with our spouses.
One of the techniques that have been recommended to me for migraine management is taking time to meditate daily. I don’t do it very faithfully, but when I have taken the time to meditate, I’ve gained tremendous benefit. Stress is an ugly thing. When you have a stressful event in your life, it’s a distraction. It grows. Your mind inflates it to unreasonable levels.
When we meditate, we combat stress. Things get put back into perspective, into their proper place in our lives. We consider our recent actions and evaluate ourselves based on a set of standards. Am I loving my wife well? Am I giving good example to those around me? Am I being the person I want to be?
We need to take time each day in silence. We need to keep our live in balance and perspective. We need physical space to free up our consciousness. Our brains need some down time each day that doesn’t involve mindlessly watching TV.
I’ve found meditation to be an excellent form of prayer. We all seek a sense of peace in our lives. During mediation, when you give yourself permission to relax, you get a glimpse into that peace. When you bring everything back to the center, you can physically feel weight coming off of your shoulders.
Practicing meditation is a lot like going to confession. You unload that which is bringing you down, you gain a better understanding of who you are as a person. It’s not as good as confession, but both are necessary.
Getting started is simple. Carve out 10 minutes of your day and find a quiet place. I like to use the iOS app “Simply Being” to help me through this time. During these 10 minutes, take a look at your life. Things will come up to the surface. Deal with them and then let them go. This is a time to be vulnerable, this is a time to be realistic.
We all need permission to let go of past mistakes, hurts, and stresses. Give yourself that permission today.
How to Avoid Wasting Afternoons
Wasting time is a waste of time.
I hate afternoons or evenings where I just sit around watching TV for 2 or 3 hours. Of course, I’m not just watching TV, I’m usually on my phone reading news, checking Twitter, or doing one of the countless other things that are possible with phones today. It’s not that I’ve neglected my to do list… usually at that point in the day, everything is pretty much done. It’s that I yearn to be doing something meaningful.
We certainly all have a need to relax. With work and chores, we spend plenty of time engaged and expending energy and we need to set aside some time each day for relaxation. But healthy relaxation isn’t zoning out… it’s unwinding.
Reading is relaxing. Playing a board game can be relaxing. Going for an evening walk is relaxing. Enjoying dinner as a family is relaxing.
We need to relax, not be excessively idle. Idle hands are the Devil’s tools.
So get off the couch and go do something meaningful with your evening. You deserve it.
You’re A Chef
There are times in the married life when we need to take risks. As men, we don’t like failing. If we can’t do something perfectly the first time, we tend to shy away from trying.
One of the biggest changes this summer for me was taking over the role of household chef. Alison and I eat fairly simply, but some of the recipes can be a challenge. It’s become my goal to have dinner ready when Alison walks in the door.
This is really the first time that I’ve cooked. When I was single, I had about 5 recipes that I cooked, all of which were incredibly simple. Now, I’m moving on to more complex and challenging dinners.
If your wife is responsible for all of the food preparation in your house, you should know that it can be difficult. Having to make dinner every night can get old, especially if she’s not in love with cooking. Taking turns, or even just giving her the night off can be a big deal for her.
The bottom line is that if you can follow directions, you can cook. It’s all about confidence. You literally follow the recipe and after a period of time, the food is ready.
The great thing about taking a night of the week to cook dinner is that it’s an awesome way to love your wife. If you want to make it even more special, let her take a bath while you’re cooking. Have a little snack and drink for her while she’s in the tub. Then, when dinner’s ready, invite her to the table and give her a warm towel to dry off with.
Even better, if your meal requires any time in the oven, you can spend that time getting most of the kitchen clean from your food prep. That means that when dinner is over, you just have to clean the dishes, cups, and serving ware. You did two things for your wife: you cooked AND you cleaned up. That’s being an expert level husband.
This is the genius of being a husband. Love is about more than cost, it’s truly the thought that counts.
So pick a night, start simple, and give your wife the night off.
101 Ways to Love
We all want to be someone great. But do we have the courage to be more than average?
When I turned 14, my parents gave me the gift of flight. My dad has been involved in aviation since 1980. Early in their marriage, my parents discussed how they wanted to give each of their children the ability to learn how to fly, if we wanted to. We were living in Oklahoma at the time, and my dad and I joined a glider club. I studied hard, practiced a lot, and two weeks after my 16th birthday, I earned my pilot’s license.
One of the great things about learning to fly in an environment of military aviators is that safety is in its proper place, first! I learned early on that in order to be a good pilot I’d have to be a constant learner. I needed to be honing my skills so that I was always getting better. Complacency kills in aviation, literally.
There’s a real sickness in our society. We have moved from reliance on husbands and fathers for leadership to an insistence that they live a life of complacency. We don’t want their opinions, we don’t want their input, we really just want them to bring home a paycheck and then get out of our way.
I believe that there are three different kinds of husbands. The great thing about these categories is that you as a husband have the ability to choose what kind of man you’re going to be. At any time you can shift into gear and kick butt. You can also slip into compliancy and revert to being a lame husband. Here’s a closer look at these categories;
• Dead weight. This dude, I don’t even understand him. He’s operating under the assumption that his paycheck is his contribution to the household. He doesn’t do work around the house unless it’s something he wants to do. He moans when he has to take out the trash. He grumbles when he has to mow the lawn. He doesn’t make any meaningful gestures of affection towards his wife. What a loser.
• Average. Most husbands are going to be in this category. Sure, you make an effort, but not as much as you could. You do your share of the chores, you tell your wife that you love her, and you keep the lawn mowed. But, you do things out of duty, not devotion. This husband has a checklist and is marking things off. It’s kind of like going to confession because you did something really wrong, not because you want to grow in your relationship with God.
• Saint. This is the guy. It’s all about the family, it’s all about love. He has hobbies, but none of them interfere with his family life. He has goals, but he crafts his schedule so that he spends the maximum time with his wife and kids. His ideal vacation includes his family. He’s in sync with his wife because he’s serving her well. He knows who he is, he knows he was called to this, and he’s all in.
From time to time, we’re all dead weight. There’s plenty of reasons why: stress, lousy day at work, and truthfully, the married life isn’t always easy. Most of the time, we’re average. And if we’re really dedicated, then we might reach up into the saint level.
Being a husband who’s a saint really isn’t that difficult physically. It’s a mental game. You have to have the courage to do the things necessary to love that well. You have to believe that you can.
Make Her A Hero
Words have power. Words have the ability to build someone up or strike someone down. They have the power to reveal someone’s innermost thoughts or heal a past hurt.
As is probably quite normal in many young families, when we had our baby shower for Benedict, we got tons of books. I have two favorites, My Dad is Brilliant and Big, Brave Daddy. I love hearing Alison read those stories to our son for one particular reason, it makes me feel good about who I am as a father.
As I pondered those feelings further, it struck me. I need to be building up Alison in the same way that she builds me up with those books.
I have a lot to be proud of when it comes to Alison. Being a part of her life is a great privilege for me. I love that I’m able to empower her to heal people by staying home and caring for Benedict. She’s a hero in our community and in the lives of her patients.
No one should ever hear an ill word about your wife from you. Honestly, in my estimation, anytime I’ve been mad at Alison, I’m the root cause. You might find yourself in the same situation. So when we don’t speak well of our wives, we’re doing them a disservice. They’re probably not the problem; we are.
Teach your kids that your wife is a superhero. Tell them why. Whether she’s in the boardroom, the classroom, or in your home nurturing your family every day, she’s a superhero. She has sacrificed things in her life for the good of her family. That’s a superhero in my book.
Tell your parents about the amazing things she does. Tell your friends about the great thing she does.
Marriage is about joy. Live like it.
Lead Your Children by Example
The responsibility of parenthood lies not so much in the direct instruction of children, but more so in setting the right example.
A few weeks ago, Alison and I were invited to a backyard concert. It was a bit of a drive away and Alison had to work the next morning, but we went anyway. It was an intimate setting, about 40 people on a clear, beautiful, DC summer night. The concert featured Joe Zambon and Kevin Heider. It was incredible.
There were several reasons why I voted that we should go, despite the challenges. I know that Alison and I need to have relaxing date nights. I know that we need interaction with peers. I know that Benedict needs new experiences. Above all, I considered the evening to have two very good elements. First, there was the 3 hours in the car of conversations. Second, going to a Catholic concert would be an excellent way to enrich our faith.
I know that being Catholic doesn’t mean just 1 hour per week. I know that the daily struggle is real. I know that we need to be constantly growing, and finding new ways to live our faith.
I know all of this, and I want Benedict to know it, too.
Our children learn a large portion of their behaviors and world view based on our example. That means that Benedict is learning things from me right now, even though all he can say is “ba” and “da.” So even though he doesn’t understand the Mass, he knows we go there on a regular basis.
We have things that we value: faith, wellness, family. In order for our children to value those things, we have to show them that they’re important. I think that physical wellness is important, so Benedict and I go for walks every day. I think that a healthy prayer life is important, so we pray as a family. I think that family is important, so we spend quality time together.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be merciful, but I can be merciful to him.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be compassionate, but I can take him volunteering with me.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be faithful, but I can be excited about living out my faith.
No parent is perfect. But every parent is qualified to lead their children well.