Catholic Husband

The life of a family is one of seasons. There’s the season before a couple has children. There’s the season when they have young children. There’s the season when the children are becoming adults. Finally, there’s the season when the children are grown and are starting their own families. Each season has its joys and challenges. The key to living a successful family life is to cherish each season.

I am lucky enough to be Benedict’s primary caregiver during the day. We’ve worked out a very nice system that gives us both time for play and time for rest. When he’s awake, we’re together. When he’s asleep, I’m working. I’ve enjoyed the time when he was an infant and wanted to be held. I’m trying to enjoy this time when he’s getting ready to walk and starting to speak.

We have limited time with our families each day. Work, activities, appointments, and other events keep us apart on a regular basis. We’re all growing and we all are trying to meet needs, but it’s important that the time we have together is special.

Each stage of life is special. It can be easy to look back and wish things could be as they were. The problem with an outlook on life that’s constantly longing for the past is that it misses the true beauty of the present. Yes, Benedict is getting into things that are getting him into trouble, but he didn’t used to be able to laugh.

The time we spend with our families should never be wasted. Every moment doesn’t have to be highly structured and maximized for efficiency, but we can take advantage of elevating ordinary activities. I personally believe this is why dinner together around the table is so important. It takes something as routine as eating a meal and turns it into a shared experience.

It may sound trite, but we need to cherish our families. We need to recognize them as the gift that they are. It’s our privilege to nurture a marriage, to raise children. It’s not always an easy task, but it is a wonderful one.

Growing up in a military family, my dad was constantly deployed. He’d be gone for 3-6 months at a time, leaving my mom alone to wrangle us three kids. When we were living in South Korea, my parents came up with a brilliant idea. Each weekend, they’d reserve time to spend with us one-on-one. The kids would get to pick what we wanted to do. It was an excellent practice that provided for some great memories and experiences.

Planning one-on-one time with your children is an excellent practice to adopt. Not only does the child experience the love and attention that quality time can give, the parent gains the same benefits. This can be an especially powerful tool in the middle and high school days, when kids try to publicly distance themselves from their parents.

During this one-on-one time, parents should do what the kids want to do. This will give the parent invaluable insight into the thinking of their child. This insight can be used to further strengthen and reinforce the parental relationship. It also puts the parent in an ideal place for sharing what’s really going on in their life. When in their own element, a kid is more likely to open up about what’s really going on, especially emotionally. This can prevent a whole range of negative life events in a child’s life when a parent is able to meaningfully and intelligently intervene.

Aside from the direct benefit to the parent, this one-on-one time will become the highlight of both of your weeks. You’ll both be looking forward to the time you’ll spend together. It’s a time for the child to feel loved and for the parent to express love.

Activities can be widely varied. It might be something athletic like taking a walk, running, or playing ball. It might be a shopping trip, dinner and a movie, or a sporting event. The most important thing is that the parent is participating in an activity that the child wants to do. That might mean some sacrifice, especially if it’s a physical activity. Again, this is about expressing the value of the child in the parent’s life.

If you have more than 2 children, this practice can be difficult. My parents handled the three of us very simply: 1 child with mom, 1 child with dad, and 1 child on their own. The “on your own” child got to do whatever they wanted at home. For me, I think I mostly played computer games, the time for which was greatly limited during the week. These days, it might be watching a movie, reading, or taking a bike ride. This should be considered as recreation time, so it should be a treat. Loosen some restrictions that happen during the week so that any child who isn’t getting one-on-one time that week still gets to feel special.

If you’ve been struggling to get your child to connect with you, or if you’re looking to build upon your relationship and continue to grow it, consider adding one-on-one time to your weekly schedule.

Kids grow up too fast. As parents, we have the privilege of experiencing their daily growth. As a part of this experience, the days can quickly and easily meld into one another and huge developmental leaps can be quickly overlooked as others come along. It’s important for us, despite our busy lives, to remember something from our own childhood: it’s important to make time for playtime.

As adults, we have significantly more responsibilities than we did as children. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal on sleep indicated that the best age for optimal sleep is 8 years old. According to the article, when an 8 year old goes to sleep, they do so effortlessly. In their minds, the day is over, there is nothing else that needs to be done, and so their brain is able to rest. As adults, we let pillow time become stress time. We go over the day’s events, stress over tomorrow, and think about 30 things on our to-do list that we can’t do anything about in that moment.

Playtime is especially important for parents. We need to schedule, if necessary, time to play with our kids. There’s a balance to be struck. Our kids need their independence and time to explore the world. It’s healthy for them to learn to self-soothe, to self-entertain, and to self-direct. It’s also healthy for them to have structured time in which to interact with their parents. This not only forms healthy parent-child bonds, it communicates a deep love for them. When their parents take the time to play with them, it means a lot to that child.

The main obstacle keeping you from playing with your kids on a regular basis is your own energy. We get up early, go to work, and come home exhausted. We let the daily grind and stresses wear us down and, at the end of the day, our tanks are empty. Why is it that kids can get up early, run around all day, study in school, and at bedtime still have tons of energy? It’s because they do things to keep their energy levels topped off. They laugh easily. They exercise. They sleep. They do all of the things that we don’t do as adults.

The secret to life is to live like a child. Make exercise a part of your life. Have superior sleep hygiene so that your time in bed is dedicated to sleep, not stress. Involve a robust prayer life in your day. Prayer alone can be a game changer. The meditation and mindfulness that’s involved with prayer has been linked in study after study to better health outcomes. Meditation and mindfulness lower your blood pressure, manage some chronic conditions, and actually rewires your brain.

If you resolve to living like a child, then you need time for play. Dedicate that time to playing with your kids. Go to a park, run around in the yard, play catch. Don’t let anything interrupt your plans because you won’t get today back. Your kids will only be home for so long until they move out to start their own families.

Even though you’re living like a kid, you still have adult responsibilities. As much as you can, do your thing while they sleep. Reading is important. I like reading books daily, along with the paper. I read books early in the morning when Alison and Benedict are asleep. I read the paper in the afternoon while Benedict is napping and Alison is still at work. This schedule allows me to have “me” time that I consider a priority without stealing from together time with my family. If your kids are old enough, have “Reading Time” in your house. We did this in my family growing up. For 30 minutes a day, we all stopped what we were doing and read.

As the parent, you’re in the driver’s seat. If you make time to play with your kids, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to read, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to pray, it’ll happen. It’s good to be king. So be a good king. Don’t neglect playtime. It’ll pay dividends.