What if We Lived the Way We Ought?
When did being pious start being perceived as pretentious?
Benedict has recently gotten onto a very structured sleep-wake-play schedule. This change has allowed me to bring structure back into my own life. As a result, we’ve been able to establish a solid daily prayer routine. As I’ve experienced the profound joy in my life through this change, I found myself hesitant to share. I wasn’t ashamed, I just didn’t want people to roll their eyes at me.
We should never be ashamed of winning at the spiritual life. In fact, living a holy and pious life is the way we ought to live. It’s the only real way to live. We’re supposed to live in Communion with God. We’re supposed to be full of faith and charity.
Living the life that you ought to live begins with a daily prayer routine. It’s more than just a few minutes at the beginning of the day. It’s a habit. It’s regular. It’s taking the time throughout the day to pray, to remind yourself of the love of God. That’s what a true routine is. Not anything massive, nothing groundbreaking, nothing new, just a simple habit of regularly talking to God.
What’s more important than our own spiritual growth is the witness we give to those around us. Your example of prayer and holiness might inspire someone who will ultimately convert, it might inspire your wife, it might even inspire your children.
If you’re living the way you ought to, never be afraid to share the joy that you’ve found. Be bold!
Kids at Mass
There’s an ongoing debate in the Catholic Church about what should be done with children who make noises during Mass. To some, it’s a needless distraction when kids can be taken to the cry room. To others, it’s important for the kids to have Mass as a regular part of their lives. To those who think that kids making noise should be immediately removed from the Sanctuary, let me save you some time, you’re wrong.
Parents should make every reasonable effort to bring enough discipline into their children’s lives so that they will be respectful during Mass. However, especially with very young children, sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Despite this reality, I think that there are three reasons why kids should be kept in Church during the Mass for as long as possible.
• Cries of children are the voice of the young Church. We have a Church that loves and promotes life. When I hear kids making noise at Mass, I celebrate the fact that in a time when children are so vigorously avoided, I’m part of a community that rejects that lie. As Baptized members of our Church, young children have just as much of a right to be at Mass as anyone else. Their cries remind us that our Church isn’t going anywhere and that its saving mission will continue long after we’re gone.
• The majority of US Catholics don’t go to Mass weekly, so let’s start this generation right. If Mass is important (which it is), I want to communicate that fact to Benedict. I don’t want there to ever be a time when he doesn’t have Mass as a part of his weekly schedule. The younger years are the time when habits and world views are established. If we want a healthier and more vibrant Church, we need to do what great marketers already know, and start them young.
• You’re already distracted, so don’t blame it on the kids. One of the more common arguments in favor of removing kids from Mass is that it’s a distraction. I’d counter by saying you’re already distracted. You read the bulletin during the homily, your eyes glaze over during the readings, and honestly, those are only the exterior signs. My keeping Benedict at home isn’t going to instantly make you attentive.
I’m also opposed to families leaving kids at home entirely. I know that it’s a challenge wrangling kids at Mass, and I can only imagine how difficult it is with multiple young children. At one point, I heard it suggested that by splitting the family for Mass, the parents could finally prayerfully concentrate during the liturgy. First, I think that families should always go to Mass together. Second, I don’t consider caring for Benedict a detraction from my prayer. I see fulfilling my vocation as a father to be an entirely prayerful experience.
All that being said, there are times when kids need to be removed for a few minutes to collect themselves. At 11 months, Benedict is usually getting restless after Communion, so one of us will take him into the back for the final blessing. If you do take your child out, make it for as short a time as possible.
When your kids are at an age where they can start to understand things, hype up the Mass. Explain to them how awesome it is. Sit in the front so they can see everything happening. Find ways to engage them. Show them the splendor of the Church.
The family needs to go to Mass together and children need to be there. Period.
My Favorite Part of Fatherhood
I love my son. He’s 11 months now and really knows how to get around.
During the day, we have a few blocks of time that I loosely call free-play. For most of the time, we’re both in the Family Room. I’m either on the couch or standing at the breakfast nook working on this or that.
I have a pretty hands-off approach during free-play. We have plenty of other times during the day where either Alison or I are actively directing his activities. So, during free-play, I put toys all over the Family Room and he’s free to wander and play as he wishes. Sometimes he’ll look out the window or systematically pull books off the bookshelf.
This time gives him a safe place where he can explore his world. He can feel different textures, experience the freedom of movement, and practice his coordination. I see his developmental growth as a tiny human and it’s really fun.
My favorite part of fatherhood happens during free-play. It’s when, despite the dozens of other options available to him, he crawls over, stands up on the couch, and wants to see me. He laughs, he smiles, he tries to bite my toes.
It’s a great time for both of us. We connect. It’s my favorite part of fatherhood.
How to Fight with Your Wife
Fights in your marriage will happen. They will range in severity, but, from time to time, you will have a serious disagreement with your wife. There’s the right way to handle it and a wrong way to handle it. Usually, I choose the wrong way.
I hate fighting with Alison. We’re just so bad at it. No matter how much I think I’m right going into the argument, I always come out losing. My approach is all wrong. I don’t set it up right, I don’t have a clear argument to make, and so the further we get into it, the worse I do. What’s the right way to fight with your wife?
• Stop. Before you launch into this fight, just wait for a minute and go through this process.
• Review your motivations. Why do you feel that you need to bring this up? Are you seeking a greater personal gain? What’s really motivating this feeling that you need to get resolution to the alleged problem?
• Take 3 days. Emotions and fights don’t mix. If you’re emotional, you’ll make bad decisions. If what you’re concerned with is a real problem, then it will still be a problem in 3 days. What this time will give you is clarity. You’ll refine your thoughts to a point where you can clearly articulate them and not resort to personal attacks.
• How am I the problem? You and your wife are one. That means that if she’s doing something that’s annoying you, you might be the problem. It might not be clear to you right now, but there might be something that you’re doing that’s contributing to what she’s doing. Figure out how you’re a contributing factor and keep that in mind when deciding if you need to fight with her.
• Is this me trying to change her? Your wife isn’t a robot or a designer baby. You don’t get to change her.Why would you want to? You did choose to marry her for who she is, right? Trying to change your wife is unkind. So if that’s what’s driving you, I can guarantee you’ll lose.
Fighting with your wife is a part of the renewal that comes in marriage. The outcome helps you both grow from past mistakes and to not repeat them again. There are other ways to find renewal in your marriage. I’d recommend using the other ways as frequently as possible.
Get Off the Broken Road
Our spiritual walk is a marathon, not a sprint. That means that there are going to be a lot of times when you’re doing things right, and a lot of times when you’re not quite on point.
I’ve had an evolving relationship with the Sacrament of Confession over the past decade. There have been a few years where it wasn’t a priority for me. There were a few months where I was going weekly. These days I’m averaging about once per month. As I’ve frequented the Sacrament more regularly, I’ve noticed real changes in my life.
Let’s face it, going to Confession is pretty inconvenient. Either the Parish offers it once per week for about 32.5 seconds, or it’s offered almost every day and the lines are impossible. Regardless of the situation you find yourself in, here are some things to think about when it comes to Confession.
• Confession is a reminder of the vastness of God’s love. Have you ever had a friend or family member screw up and you gave them a second chance, only to see them blow it again? Imagine if they were on their 1,000th chance, and they still blew it. That’s us. We sin, we go to Confession, we resolve to do better. Repeat. The sins really don’t change that much. Despite our best resolution, we sin again. Yet, each time, God forgives. He accepts our insufficient apology. He knows we’re going to hurt Him again, but He’s so invested in this relationship, He’s so confident that we’ll make it in the end, that He hits that reset button one more time.
• Every sin has a cause.I like to think of sin as a chain. You start with a very innocent act. Then, that weakness contributes to the next sin, another link. If you play the game long enough, you have a really long chain and end up in the realm of mortal sin. At any point, you can break the chain. Depending on how far along the chain you are, the bigger the bolt cutters you’ll need. As you get deeper into sin, you start to despair and think that nothing can stop you from going further. That’s the lie of sin. When you pray, expect something to happen.
• Every sin has an effect.We think of sin as being a very personal thing. We don’t often share our failures with people in our lives. Yet, it effects those around us. Sin robs us of charity, which is our ability to love. For example, when I commit sins of pride, I feel myself being less patient with Alison and Benedict. There are very real consequences to sin not just in the next life, but in this one, here, today.
• Confession takes away the power of sin. Sin is very much like mold, it thrives in the dark. When you expose mold to sunlight, it dies. When you carry around the burden of your sins, they grow like the proverbial monster in the closet. It almost takes on a new life. Then it starts running your life and keeping you in fear. There’s only one way to defeat sin: name it. When you go to the Sacrament and tell Christ, out loud, the names of your sins and the number of times you committed them, you have a real, “My name is Legion” moment. You realize how real sin is and how devastating its effects are. Confession gives you the ability to undercut sin and steal its power.
Above all, the point of the Sacrament is to give us the graces and opportunity to reform our lives. If we don’t make concrete changes in our lives to do better with our new chance, then we’ve made a huge mistake. We’re given this incredible opportunity to start over each time we receive the Sacrament, we really ought to make the tough changes so we don’t end up suffering from Confession Repeat Syndrome.
You know what leads you to sin, you know what the links in your chain are. Break them.
Faith of the Martyrs
I have a difficult time imagining a physical persecution of happening in the United States. I have difficulty imagining how far we’d have to fall to get to a point where the citizenry accepted mass executions of people based on their faith alone.
Yet, today, in Iraq and Syria, Catholics and Christians are literally being crucified in hatred of the faith. I believe that before my life comes to an end, I’ll attend a Mass on the feast day of the Iraqi Martyrs.
My main difficulty in envisioning an America that accepts crucifixion is that I believe that the people charged with enforcing our laws are good and decent people. I have a hard time seeing members of our Armed Forces and Law Enforcement following orders to crucify people for their faith. This is perhaps the greatest asset of the United States, that those charged with our protection are our neighbors who just want to make our communities better.
While the thought of modern day crucifixion is horrifying, at the same time, I find it deeply inspirational. The Church is grown through the blood of the martyrs. The persecutions of the early Christians served only to grow the Church into what we have today. The persecutions of Catholics in England only served to reinforce the local Church.
Reading through the stories of martyrs like Sts. John Fischer and Thomas More and the countless other British martyrs of their era are incredible. Many English martyrs were drawn, hung and quartered. While the title of the execution is pretty benign, if you actually study what it all entailed, it’s shocking that anyone would be able to remain true to their convictions when facing that torture. It was literally the worst possible torture and death that the legal system could imagine. It was long, it was involved, and it was excruciating.
Yet, that’s exactly the point. These martyrs had tremendous faith. They had the fortitude to stay true to who they were as Catholics. Their example and inspiration continues to this day, hundreds of years later, to inspire the Church.
Two-thirds of American Catholics don’t go to Mass on Sundays. Our lukewarm faith has lost touch with the brilliant inspiration and witness of the martyrs, even those who this very day will be killed in hatred of the faith.
Lord, give me the faith of the martyrs.
Be Merciful
We all love mercy when we’re the recipient. When we’re the giver, however, it’s much more difficult.
I’m both intrigued and terrified by Benedict. I’m intrigued that he is constantly learning, even though he can’t verbalize his experiences in English. I’m terrified that he’s already learning from my example. As I continually consider what things I want to highlight for him, the subject of mercy comes up.
I’m a frequent sinner and consequently I’m frequently in line for Confession. Each time I go to the Sacrament, I receive a ridiculous amount of mercy that I in no way merit and, for good measure, within a week or two, I’m back in line. Yet, because I am a child of God and because He desires a relationship with me, He continues to forgive and I get another chance to get it right.
There’s an amazing lesson in that mystery. God desires a relationship with me so deeply that He’s willing to forgive my numerous offenses. We all need a little more of that.
It’s terribly sad when parents and children aren’t talking because of something that happened years ago. It’s terribly sad when marriages break up because of a serious breach of trust. It’s terribly sad when someone leaves the Church because they can’t reconcile with some teaching.
We all experience serious breaches of trust. We all experience betrayal. We all experience disappointment in relationships. Yet, we’re supposed to be merciful. We’re supposed to extend the olive branch. We desire to be in relationship with the person who hurt us. Do we want it deeply enough to overlook offenses?
Are you merciful with your wife?
Are you merciful with your kids?
Are you merciful with your friends?
Are you merciful with your coworkers?
Are you merciful with yourself?
The great thing about mercy is its intrinsic healing properties. Mercy fosters trust. A broken trust starts to heal, even if slowly, when mercy is given. Mercy fosters love. When you receive mercy or extend it, you get a glimpse into the heart of God. Mercy fosters peace. Mercy ends conflict and brings harmony.
The next time you’re in a position where someone hurts you, extend mercy so that you both might experience its beauty.
Be A Saint, Now
I think that we have a pretty unhealthy view of Heaven. I’d venture to guess that most Catholics, myself included, take the St. Augustine view… “Lord make me holy, but not yet.” How different would our lives be, how different would our marriages be, if we instead took the approach, “Lord, make me holy now."
Alison and I have found a rich little Catholic community here in Northern Virginia. It’s really pretty incredible. Our parish is vibrant and the homilies are choice. One of the running themes over the past several weeks, thanks mainly to this year’s Gospel cycle, is the universal call to holiness. In combination with the recent canonizations and persecutions, the message is loud and clear, “You don’t have to wait until you’re old to be a saint!"
We like to think of sainthood as something lofty, as we should. Yet, we take it a step further and think it’s reserved for a select few. It’s true that out of all of human history, a very small percentage of people are canonized. At the same time, the Church’s teachings are clear: there are untold numbers of people who are in Heaven (saints) that the Church hasn’t canonized. The purpose of canonization is not to separate the wheat from the chaff, it’s to hold up examples to the Church here on earth. The purpose of canonization is to celebrate our participation in Salvation History. Canonized saints are just a few examples of regular people who lived their lives right.
We all have difficulties and struggles in the spiritual life. Those challenges tend to spill over into other areas of our lives. This is normal, as we are integrated people. You can’t separate the spirituality from the intellect from the sexuality of a human person. So when we’re living our lives in a way that will lead us to sainthood, other aspects of our lives get better. We have better days, richer relationships, and more peace and joy. When we stray, everything gets a bit worse.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
The decision to be a saint is made today.
Sainthood is a culmination of a life of service and sacrifice. Our modern saints are an excellent example of this. Saint John Paul II’s entire life embodied these two principles. He subverted the Nazis, destroyed Communism, taught us about the beauty of human sexuality and showed us a witness of love through terminal illness. He showed us that no life is unimportant, no life is expendable, no one is replaceable.
He didn’t wake up one morning and have the fortitude and tenacity to challenge power. His daily decision to follow Christ from a young age prepared him for the mission he was called to live.
It’s never too late. It’s never too late to start following Christ. Today’s the day you start. Today’s the day you start living the life you were supposed to live. Today’s the day you start your journey towards sainthood.
True joy comes from living in the Law. It’s like following the owners manual for your car. The closer you follow the manual, the better your ride drives.
Man up. Start today. Start small. Start at home. And let your children “catch you.”
Fun in Your Community
One of the tragedies of our technological world is that we’ve stopped using our local resources.
To celebrate our anniversary this year, Alison and I went on a day hike. We had a bigger adventure planned, but the weather forced us to think smaller. My parents took Benedict for the day and we trekked out. We went to a state park near our house in the foothills and I was nothing short of stunned. The views were amazing, the trails were varied and fun, and I got up close to a cow. It was an amazing outing.
Our communities have a whole host of opportunities for us to take advantage. From museums to farmers markets, from hiking trails to unique stores, there’s a lot going on. It can be easy for us to just hang out at home and bum around on the internet. We really deserve more. There are tons of other local things to do.
Get out there and find them.
Pray and Don’t Worry
Prayer and worry are incompatible. If you pray and then worry, your prayer is cancelled out. Prayer is the first step of faith.
One of my favorite parts about being Catholic is how deep and wide the Church is. Whether it be expressions of faith or even theology, there’s always something new to discover. Over the past few months as Alison and I have made the move to Washington, DC and started new jobs, I’ve done a lot of worrying. It’s not just that things are different or that they’re new, it’s that we’ve never lived through a transition like this together and we just don’t know what’s going to happen next or if our plans are realistic.
Since God, like any good parent, doesn’t like to waste any opportunities for teaching moments, I’ve noticed that my faith has gotten pretty weak. I believe, but I don’t completely trust.
What is faith? Faith is trust. It’s trust in God that His Word is true. The popular phrase is “Let go and let God.” I agree that we need to let go, but it’s easier said than done.
We’re active participants in Salvation History. If by “letting go and letting God” I sit on my couch all day, nothing will get done. I’m God’s hands, His feet, His mouth. We’re an active part of the plan. We can truly only be a part of the plan if we have a relationship with Him.
I once heard a priest say that we put more faith in Tylenol than we do in the Eucharist. He reasoned that when we take Tylenol, we expect something to happen. Yet, when we receive the Eucharist, in all of it’s miraculous mystery and bundle of graces, we expect nothing. That’s a crisis of faith.
When you pray, something happens. When you pray the rosary, something happens. When you go spend a few minutes in quiet Adoration, something happens.
We don’t want to be presumptuous and we don’t want to put God to the test. But faith isn’t doing either of those things. Faith is trusting in God’s Word. God told us that the Eucharist has untold graces available to those who are open to them. The Rosary has literally changed the course of history. The exposed Blessed Sacrament has brought about untold miracles. So by reverently receiving the Eucharist or praying with our whole hearts, we need to trust Him and expect something to happen, because it will.
Knowing all of this, knowing the amazing events in human history that have been drastically affected by prayer, pray with confidence. If prayer can close an abortion clinic, it can help you. If prayer can bring down Communism, it can help you. If prayer can stop the Ottoman Empire from turning the Basilica of St. Peter into a mosque, it can help you.
Worry is wasted energy and time. Spend that time in prayer and then trust that God will give you the help and the graces that you need to finally make it home.