Family Walks
One of the best things that your family can do together is take an evening walk. Not only is a walk in the evening a great stress reliever, it can significantly increase the amount of time that you spend together each day.
When I was in high school, we lived in a neighborhood that had quite a few walkers. Each evening, almost without fail, a family would walk by. The group was a man, his two sons, and their dog. If we’d catch each other, we would exchange a polite wave. I could see how intently they were talking. For them, it was a time to regroup, to share the experiences of the day, and to connect.
Alison’s hometown is very much an exercise community. On any day, and really at any time, you’ll see people out jogging, friends power walking, and families on a stroll.
Lately Alison and I have begun to take up the practice of an evening family walk.
Health professionals will tell you that 30 minutes of brisk walking each day is the right amount of exercise that we all need. There are a few specific reasons why I think family walks are the perfect idea for you and your family.
• Regular exercise increases the length of productive life together. We all want to be healthy and, if you’re like me, you want to be healthy enough to enjoy the golden years! By taking the time to exercise and maintain your body now, you’ll increase the time that you can be active in retirement. Injury and illness can stop anyone in their tracks. I want to keep them at bay for as long as possible.
• Spouses encouraging each other to exercise is a loving act. When you and your wife work out together, you’re communicating something very special. You’re mutually taking care of yourselves so that you can be more able to take care of one another.
• Walks are another opportunity to talk. You and your wife spend most of your days apart. If you count the hours from when you’re both home in the evening to bedtime, you spend very little of your days together during the week. By adopting the practice of a family walk, you can decrease the idle time in front of the TV and increase the amount of communication.
• Walks can give you better sleep. When you exercise, you sleep better. There’s nothing like the feeling of crawling into bed when your body is tired in a good way.
In order for the practice of a family walk to be successful, it needs to be part of the routine. There should be few exceptions.
The more opportunity you give yourself to have meaningful conversation with your wife, the more opportunity you give your marriage to grow.
Use the Church
Life can be a challenging journey. While we have amazing highs, we also have deeply dark lows. Part of the splendor of the Church, and being a member of the Church, is that we actually are kind of cheating. With access to the Sacraments and the Treasury of Graces, we’re able to soar higher than we would otherwise, and we’re able to find light in the darkest times of our lives.
I love meeting converts and experiencing their faith because it’s always so intentional. For them, there was a time in their life where they didn’t have access to the Church, and so they have a beautiful appreciation of what it truly means to be Catholic. I was raised with the gift of faith, which gives me a different appreciation. There was never a time in my life when I didn’t have access to the life of the Church. However, just like a convert, I’ve had to overcome the temptation to take Her for granted, and, through that process, have come to love Her.
It’s incredibly frustrating to me personally when friends who are Catholic don’t take every advantage that the Church offers. At this stage in my life, it’s usually friends getting married outside of the Church. The frustration is in knowing how much more powerful, fulfilling, and edifying their lives would be if they only they would use the Church and Her graces in the manner in which they were given to us.
The Church was given to us to help continue the saving mission of Jesus and for the salvation of souls. That means that the Church is for you and it’s for me. The Church is the lighthouse on the rocks, guiding us to safety in turbulent times. The Church is there to celebrate with joy when we receive the Sacraments. The Church is there to pick us up when we’ve fallen. The Church is there with Her vast wisdom to help us know what is Truth.
Use Her!
Mass Journal
What would it be like if at every Mass you attended, you had a breakthrough moment? What would it be like if at every Mass something impacted you in a way that you really needed. Perhaps it would be some inspiration in a time of darkness or some encouragement for your life? Adopting the habit of a Mass Journal could be the game changer for you.
Last month, Alison, Benedict, and I loaded up the car and drove to Ohio for my cousin’s wedding. It was about a 6 hour drive. We had plans to drive back home on Sunday afternoon after going to Mass. Benedict was pretty fussy at Mass, so he and I stood in the back so he could calm down. While there, I saw one of those Lighthouse Media Catholic CD stands. I’m sure you’ve seen one at your parish, too. We thought it might be good to pick out one of the CDs for the ride home. We chose a talk by Matthew Kelly.
In the talk, Matthew talked about the use of a Mass Journal. He advocated that if we’d use this tool, after one year we’d have the most powerful spiritual resource that we could get a hold of. I was inspired, so I adopted the practice.
A Mass Journal is just that, a journal. Each time you go to Mass, Matthew suggests the following simple prayer, “God, show me one way in this Mass I can become a better version of myself this week.” Then, expect God to talk to you.
The real power of the Mass Journal is that you become a very active listener. I find myself attentively paying attention to everything (homily and all!) looking for that one thing that I need to hear.
In the month or two since I’ve taken up the habit, I haven’t been let down. I’ve found real spiritual growth in my life. It’s always the right message that I need to hear on that particular week.
It’s easy to get started. Simply get a journal, take it to Mass, and write down the one thing that strikes you most. When I started, I used a journaling app on my phone. I felt really awkward using my phone in Church, so getting a physical journal is really important for making this work.
Mass shouldn’t happen to us. Be an active participant and an active listener to God’s Word in your life. Use a Mass Journal. It just might make you a better husband.
How to Ease into Daily Prayer
Any time you try to establish a new habit, the best implementation is gradual. If you start too quick, you’ll peter out. If you start too slow, you’ll lose interest and move on. The approach that will give you the best results is one that eases you into the habit.
I’m extremely goal oriented, so when I set a goal, I want to charge at it. For most goals, it’s the appropriate response. Having tenacity and confidence is extremely helpful. However, for things like adopting a habit of exercise or daily prayer, it can be all wrong. I’ve learned that, especially with prayer, it’s more important to begin with a simple routine of high quality prayer time.
When you decide to begin a daily prayer routine, start by asking yourself 4 simple questions.
• Where am I? An accurate and up-to-date self-evaluation of your spiritual life can be tremendously helpful. If you’ve been away from prayer for a while, you’ll need to adjust your plans for that. If there is a particular form of prayer that you find difficult, you’ll want to avoid that type of prayer. By better choosing your starting point, you’ll have a better chance of making significant progress.
• How much time do I have? You have a number of commitments on your time. Between family, work, and friends, you have a lot going on. God isn’t asking you to drop all of that. He’s asking to be added to your list. So, by figuring out how much time you do have that you can devote to prayer, you can come up with a list of prayerful activities. If you have an hour daily, perhaps daily Mass could make it on your list. If you literally only have 15 minutes, a Rosary or spiritual reading will do.
• Can I find more time somewhere else? Time is all about priorities. If something is important enough to us, we’ll find the time to make it happen. If you find yourself only able to give 15 minutes to prayer, where in your schedule can you free up more time? Is there something you can cancel? Is there something you can limit? Can you wake up earlier or go to bed a little later?
• What does success look like? This all-important part of goal setting is too often ignored. Instead of defining success, we define failure. So, let’s get this one right. What does a successful daily prayer habit look like to you?
Starting a daily prayer habit is an excellent first step in the spiritual life. Start reasonable, start gradually, but above all, START!
What if We Lived the Way We Ought?
When did being pious start being perceived as pretentious?
Benedict has recently gotten onto a very structured sleep-wake-play schedule. This change has allowed me to bring structure back into my own life. As a result, we’ve been able to establish a solid daily prayer routine. As I’ve experienced the profound joy in my life through this change, I found myself hesitant to share. I wasn’t ashamed, I just didn’t want people to roll their eyes at me.
We should never be ashamed of winning at the spiritual life. In fact, living a holy and pious life is the way we ought to live. It’s the only real way to live. We’re supposed to live in Communion with God. We’re supposed to be full of faith and charity.
Living the life that you ought to live begins with a daily prayer routine. It’s more than just a few minutes at the beginning of the day. It’s a habit. It’s regular. It’s taking the time throughout the day to pray, to remind yourself of the love of God. That’s what a true routine is. Not anything massive, nothing groundbreaking, nothing new, just a simple habit of regularly talking to God.
What’s more important than our own spiritual growth is the witness we give to those around us. Your example of prayer and holiness might inspire someone who will ultimately convert, it might inspire your wife, it might even inspire your children.
If you’re living the way you ought to, never be afraid to share the joy that you’ve found. Be bold!
Kids at Mass
There’s an ongoing debate in the Catholic Church about what should be done with children who make noises during Mass. To some, it’s a needless distraction when kids can be taken to the cry room. To others, it’s important for the kids to have Mass as a regular part of their lives. To those who think that kids making noise should be immediately removed from the Sanctuary, let me save you some time, you’re wrong.
Parents should make every reasonable effort to bring enough discipline into their children’s lives so that they will be respectful during Mass. However, especially with very young children, sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Despite this reality, I think that there are three reasons why kids should be kept in Church during the Mass for as long as possible.
• Cries of children are the voice of the young Church. We have a Church that loves and promotes life. When I hear kids making noise at Mass, I celebrate the fact that in a time when children are so vigorously avoided, I’m part of a community that rejects that lie. As Baptized members of our Church, young children have just as much of a right to be at Mass as anyone else. Their cries remind us that our Church isn’t going anywhere and that its saving mission will continue long after we’re gone.
• The majority of US Catholics don’t go to Mass weekly, so let’s start this generation right. If Mass is important (which it is), I want to communicate that fact to Benedict. I don’t want there to ever be a time when he doesn’t have Mass as a part of his weekly schedule. The younger years are the time when habits and world views are established. If we want a healthier and more vibrant Church, we need to do what great marketers already know, and start them young.
• You’re already distracted, so don’t blame it on the kids. One of the more common arguments in favor of removing kids from Mass is that it’s a distraction. I’d counter by saying you’re already distracted. You read the bulletin during the homily, your eyes glaze over during the readings, and honestly, those are only the exterior signs. My keeping Benedict at home isn’t going to instantly make you attentive.
I’m also opposed to families leaving kids at home entirely. I know that it’s a challenge wrangling kids at Mass, and I can only imagine how difficult it is with multiple young children. At one point, I heard it suggested that by splitting the family for Mass, the parents could finally prayerfully concentrate during the liturgy. First, I think that families should always go to Mass together. Second, I don’t consider caring for Benedict a detraction from my prayer. I see fulfilling my vocation as a father to be an entirely prayerful experience.
All that being said, there are times when kids need to be removed for a few minutes to collect themselves. At 11 months, Benedict is usually getting restless after Communion, so one of us will take him into the back for the final blessing. If you do take your child out, make it for as short a time as possible.
When your kids are at an age where they can start to understand things, hype up the Mass. Explain to them how awesome it is. Sit in the front so they can see everything happening. Find ways to engage them. Show them the splendor of the Church.
The family needs to go to Mass together and children need to be there. Period.
My Favorite Part of Fatherhood
I love my son. He’s 11 months now and really knows how to get around.
During the day, we have a few blocks of time that I loosely call free-play. For most of the time, we’re both in the Family Room. I’m either on the couch or standing at the breakfast nook working on this or that.
I have a pretty hands-off approach during free-play. We have plenty of other times during the day where either Alison or I are actively directing his activities. So, during free-play, I put toys all over the Family Room and he’s free to wander and play as he wishes. Sometimes he’ll look out the window or systematically pull books off the bookshelf.
This time gives him a safe place where he can explore his world. He can feel different textures, experience the freedom of movement, and practice his coordination. I see his developmental growth as a tiny human and it’s really fun.
My favorite part of fatherhood happens during free-play. It’s when, despite the dozens of other options available to him, he crawls over, stands up on the couch, and wants to see me. He laughs, he smiles, he tries to bite my toes.
It’s a great time for both of us. We connect. It’s my favorite part of fatherhood.
How to Fight with Your Wife
Fights in your marriage will happen. They will range in severity, but, from time to time, you will have a serious disagreement with your wife. There’s the right way to handle it and a wrong way to handle it. Usually, I choose the wrong way.
I hate fighting with Alison. We’re just so bad at it. No matter how much I think I’m right going into the argument, I always come out losing. My approach is all wrong. I don’t set it up right, I don’t have a clear argument to make, and so the further we get into it, the worse I do. What’s the right way to fight with your wife?
• Stop. Before you launch into this fight, just wait for a minute and go through this process.
• Review your motivations. Why do you feel that you need to bring this up? Are you seeking a greater personal gain? What’s really motivating this feeling that you need to get resolution to the alleged problem?
• Take 3 days. Emotions and fights don’t mix. If you’re emotional, you’ll make bad decisions. If what you’re concerned with is a real problem, then it will still be a problem in 3 days. What this time will give you is clarity. You’ll refine your thoughts to a point where you can clearly articulate them and not resort to personal attacks.
• How am I the problem? You and your wife are one. That means that if she’s doing something that’s annoying you, you might be the problem. It might not be clear to you right now, but there might be something that you’re doing that’s contributing to what she’s doing. Figure out how you’re a contributing factor and keep that in mind when deciding if you need to fight with her.
• Is this me trying to change her? Your wife isn’t a robot or a designer baby. You don’t get to change her.Why would you want to? You did choose to marry her for who she is, right? Trying to change your wife is unkind. So if that’s what’s driving you, I can guarantee you’ll lose.
Fighting with your wife is a part of the renewal that comes in marriage. The outcome helps you both grow from past mistakes and to not repeat them again. There are other ways to find renewal in your marriage. I’d recommend using the other ways as frequently as possible.
Get Off the Broken Road
Our spiritual walk is a marathon, not a sprint. That means that there are going to be a lot of times when you’re doing things right, and a lot of times when you’re not quite on point.
I’ve had an evolving relationship with the Sacrament of Confession over the past decade. There have been a few years where it wasn’t a priority for me. There were a few months where I was going weekly. These days I’m averaging about once per month. As I’ve frequented the Sacrament more regularly, I’ve noticed real changes in my life.
Let’s face it, going to Confession is pretty inconvenient. Either the Parish offers it once per week for about 32.5 seconds, or it’s offered almost every day and the lines are impossible. Regardless of the situation you find yourself in, here are some things to think about when it comes to Confession.
• Confession is a reminder of the vastness of God’s love. Have you ever had a friend or family member screw up and you gave them a second chance, only to see them blow it again? Imagine if they were on their 1,000th chance, and they still blew it. That’s us. We sin, we go to Confession, we resolve to do better. Repeat. The sins really don’t change that much. Despite our best resolution, we sin again. Yet, each time, God forgives. He accepts our insufficient apology. He knows we’re going to hurt Him again, but He’s so invested in this relationship, He’s so confident that we’ll make it in the end, that He hits that reset button one more time.
• Every sin has a cause.I like to think of sin as a chain. You start with a very innocent act. Then, that weakness contributes to the next sin, another link. If you play the game long enough, you have a really long chain and end up in the realm of mortal sin. At any point, you can break the chain. Depending on how far along the chain you are, the bigger the bolt cutters you’ll need. As you get deeper into sin, you start to despair and think that nothing can stop you from going further. That’s the lie of sin. When you pray, expect something to happen.
• Every sin has an effect.We think of sin as being a very personal thing. We don’t often share our failures with people in our lives. Yet, it effects those around us. Sin robs us of charity, which is our ability to love. For example, when I commit sins of pride, I feel myself being less patient with Alison and Benedict. There are very real consequences to sin not just in the next life, but in this one, here, today.
• Confession takes away the power of sin. Sin is very much like mold, it thrives in the dark. When you expose mold to sunlight, it dies. When you carry around the burden of your sins, they grow like the proverbial monster in the closet. It almost takes on a new life. Then it starts running your life and keeping you in fear. There’s only one way to defeat sin: name it. When you go to the Sacrament and tell Christ, out loud, the names of your sins and the number of times you committed them, you have a real, “My name is Legion” moment. You realize how real sin is and how devastating its effects are. Confession gives you the ability to undercut sin and steal its power.
Above all, the point of the Sacrament is to give us the graces and opportunity to reform our lives. If we don’t make concrete changes in our lives to do better with our new chance, then we’ve made a huge mistake. We’re given this incredible opportunity to start over each time we receive the Sacrament, we really ought to make the tough changes so we don’t end up suffering from Confession Repeat Syndrome.
You know what leads you to sin, you know what the links in your chain are. Break them.
Faith of the Martyrs
I have a difficult time imagining a physical persecution of happening in the United States. I have difficulty imagining how far we’d have to fall to get to a point where the citizenry accepted mass executions of people based on their faith alone.
Yet, today, in Iraq and Syria, Catholics and Christians are literally being crucified in hatred of the faith. I believe that before my life comes to an end, I’ll attend a Mass on the feast day of the Iraqi Martyrs.
My main difficulty in envisioning an America that accepts crucifixion is that I believe that the people charged with enforcing our laws are good and decent people. I have a hard time seeing members of our Armed Forces and Law Enforcement following orders to crucify people for their faith. This is perhaps the greatest asset of the United States, that those charged with our protection are our neighbors who just want to make our communities better.
While the thought of modern day crucifixion is horrifying, at the same time, I find it deeply inspirational. The Church is grown through the blood of the martyrs. The persecutions of the early Christians served only to grow the Church into what we have today. The persecutions of Catholics in England only served to reinforce the local Church.
Reading through the stories of martyrs like Sts. John Fischer and Thomas More and the countless other British martyrs of their era are incredible. Many English martyrs were drawn, hung and quartered. While the title of the execution is pretty benign, if you actually study what it all entailed, it’s shocking that anyone would be able to remain true to their convictions when facing that torture. It was literally the worst possible torture and death that the legal system could imagine. It was long, it was involved, and it was excruciating.
Yet, that’s exactly the point. These martyrs had tremendous faith. They had the fortitude to stay true to who they were as Catholics. Their example and inspiration continues to this day, hundreds of years later, to inspire the Church.
Two-thirds of American Catholics don’t go to Mass on Sundays. Our lukewarm faith has lost touch with the brilliant inspiration and witness of the martyrs, even those who this very day will be killed in hatred of the faith.
Lord, give me the faith of the martyrs.