Spend One-on-One Time with Your Kids
Growing up in a military family, my dad was constantly deployed. He’d be gone for 3-6 months at a time, leaving my mom alone to wrangle us three kids. When we were living in South Korea, my parents came up with a brilliant idea. Each weekend, they’d reserve time to spend with us one-on-one. The kids would get to pick what we wanted to do. It was an excellent practice that provided for some great memories and experiences.
Planning one-on-one time with your children is an excellent practice to adopt. Not only does the child experience the love and attention that quality time can give, the parent gains the same benefits. This can be an especially powerful tool in the middle and high school days, when kids try to publicly distance themselves from their parents.
During this one-on-one time, parents should do what the kids want to do. This will give the parent invaluable insight into the thinking of their child. This insight can be used to further strengthen and reinforce the parental relationship. It also puts the parent in an ideal place for sharing what’s really going on in their life. When in their own element, a kid is more likely to open up about what’s really going on, especially emotionally. This can prevent a whole range of negative life events in a child’s life when a parent is able to meaningfully and intelligently intervene.
Aside from the direct benefit to the parent, this one-on-one time will become the highlight of both of your weeks. You’ll both be looking forward to the time you’ll spend together. It’s a time for the child to feel loved and for the parent to express love.
Activities can be widely varied. It might be something athletic like taking a walk, running, or playing ball. It might be a shopping trip, dinner and a movie, or a sporting event. The most important thing is that the parent is participating in an activity that the child wants to do. That might mean some sacrifice, especially if it’s a physical activity. Again, this is about expressing the value of the child in the parent’s life.
If you have more than 2 children, this practice can be difficult. My parents handled the three of us very simply: 1 child with mom, 1 child with dad, and 1 child on their own. The “on your own” child got to do whatever they wanted at home. For me, I think I mostly played computer games, the time for which was greatly limited during the week. These days, it might be watching a movie, reading, or taking a bike ride. This should be considered as recreation time, so it should be a treat. Loosen some restrictions that happen during the week so that any child who isn’t getting one-on-one time that week still gets to feel special.
If you’ve been struggling to get your child to connect with you, or if you’re looking to build upon your relationship and continue to grow it, consider adding one-on-one time to your weekly schedule.
Making Time for Playtime
Kids grow up too fast. As parents, we have the privilege of experiencing their daily growth. As a part of this experience, the days can quickly and easily meld into one another and huge developmental leaps can be quickly overlooked as others come along. It’s important for us, despite our busy lives, to remember something from our own childhood: it’s important to make time for playtime.
As adults, we have significantly more responsibilities than we did as children. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal on sleep indicated that the best age for optimal sleep is 8 years old. According to the article, when an 8 year old goes to sleep, they do so effortlessly. In their minds, the day is over, there is nothing else that needs to be done, and so their brain is able to rest. As adults, we let pillow time become stress time. We go over the day’s events, stress over tomorrow, and think about 30 things on our to-do list that we can’t do anything about in that moment.
Playtime is especially important for parents. We need to schedule, if necessary, time to play with our kids. There’s a balance to be struck. Our kids need their independence and time to explore the world. It’s healthy for them to learn to self-soothe, to self-entertain, and to self-direct. It’s also healthy for them to have structured time in which to interact with their parents. This not only forms healthy parent-child bonds, it communicates a deep love for them. When their parents take the time to play with them, it means a lot to that child.
The main obstacle keeping you from playing with your kids on a regular basis is your own energy. We get up early, go to work, and come home exhausted. We let the daily grind and stresses wear us down and, at the end of the day, our tanks are empty. Why is it that kids can get up early, run around all day, study in school, and at bedtime still have tons of energy? It’s because they do things to keep their energy levels topped off. They laugh easily. They exercise. They sleep. They do all of the things that we don’t do as adults.
The secret to life is to live like a child. Make exercise a part of your life. Have superior sleep hygiene so that your time in bed is dedicated to sleep, not stress. Involve a robust prayer life in your day. Prayer alone can be a game changer. The meditation and mindfulness that’s involved with prayer has been linked in study after study to better health outcomes. Meditation and mindfulness lower your blood pressure, manage some chronic conditions, and actually rewires your brain.
If you resolve to living like a child, then you need time for play. Dedicate that time to playing with your kids. Go to a park, run around in the yard, play catch. Don’t let anything interrupt your plans because you won’t get today back. Your kids will only be home for so long until they move out to start their own families.
Even though you’re living like a kid, you still have adult responsibilities. As much as you can, do your thing while they sleep. Reading is important. I like reading books daily, along with the paper. I read books early in the morning when Alison and Benedict are asleep. I read the paper in the afternoon while Benedict is napping and Alison is still at work. This schedule allows me to have “me” time that I consider a priority without stealing from together time with my family. If your kids are old enough, have “Reading Time” in your house. We did this in my family growing up. For 30 minutes a day, we all stopped what we were doing and read.
As the parent, you’re in the driver’s seat. If you make time to play with your kids, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to read, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to pray, it’ll happen. It’s good to be king. So be a good king. Don’t neglect playtime. It’ll pay dividends.
Handmade Gifts Come from the Heart
The tradition of giving gifts to friends and loved ones at Christmas is a centuries old tradition. Unfortunately, it’s been targeted by retailers who have sought to benefit materially on the tradition. While buying people gifts from stores (at incredible discounts, no doubt) isn’t a bad thing, you can do better.
Gifts shouldn’t be bought for the sake of crossing someone off of a list. It should be a much more personal and meaningful experience. What can I give this person that will both express my love and affection, but also will improve their lives?
Your Christmas Budget can grow as big as you’ll allow it. This year, what if you try something new? This year, make a few gifts by hand.
Handmade gifts aren’t cheap or a cop out, in fact, they’re considerably more expensive. It takes a very small investment of time on your part to take someone’s list, run out and buy something on that list, and then move on. Handmade gifts require thought, planning, and execution.
While you may not think that you have any particular skills that could lead to a nice gift, I’d challenge you to think again. Homemade gifts don’t have to be knitted. You have a particular talent that can be used in your gift giving.
Handmade gifts will mean more. They’ll truly be from your heart. They’ll also probably last longer, or at least the memory of them will.
Yes, buy people presents off of their list. Yes, gifts of any shape or form express your love and affection. But I challenge you this year to give 1 or 2 handmade gifts to someone you love.
Make A Pilgrimage
There’s an ancient practice in Christianity that’s lost some of its spice. That’s the practice of making pilgrimages. While the other two great monotheistic religions still incorporate pilgrimages into the rites of passage for their members, pilgrimages have a diminished role in Christianity. Catholicism actually offers the best opportunity for pilgrimages because our holy sites aren’t in just one region of the world. In fact, there are pilgrimage sites in every nation around the world where Catholicism has taken root.
While we tend to think of a pilgrimage as a long journey, our modern era affords all Catholics the ability to easily access pilgrimage sites. Many of us learned more about these local sites in 2000, the year of the great jubilee. For American Catholics, we don’t have to fly to Italy in order to make a pilgrimage. We could travel to such varied sites as Washington, San Francisco, La Crosse (WI), Emmitsburg (MD), Pittsburgh, and many more. A simple Google search will yield plenty of places to make a pilgrimage.
Even better, we might not even have to travel outside of our own Diocese. There are numerous Basilicas, Chapels, Monasteries, and Holy Sites all around us. A pilgrimage is not so much about the destination as it is about our mindset and how we carry it out. A pilgrimage is simply a religious journey. So, as you travel to a pilgrimage site, pray. While at the site, pray. As you return home, pray. There are indulgences to be gained for making a pilgrimage.
Another idea for making a pilgrimage is the tradition of “Church Hopping.” During the Easter Feast, after the Mass of the Lord’s Supper on Holy Thursday, Churches around the world strip the altar and the Blessed Sacrament is exposed for adoration for a time. Church Hopping involves traveling to many local parishes and visiting our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.
Pilgrimages should be a regular part of your spiritual life, at least once annually. Not only is it a great practice, it can help expose you to the greater life of the Church. The Church’s daily mission is carried on in millions of Churches, institutions, and places throughout the world. By going beyond your own parish, you can experience the richness and treasures of the Church.
The experiences of a pilgrimage can be a particularly intense form of prayer for a special intention, or it can simply help you grow in your Catholic cultural acumen. The experience of pilgrimages remind us in a small way of the pilgrimage that we make every day, as people on Earth, working our way back to Heaven.
Pilgrimages offer the opportunity to grow and pray in a unique and new way. Adopt this practice in your own life and in that of your family’s.
The Power of Discipline
In the moment, discipline is never pleasant. Once the occasion has passed, we all love its benefits. Discipline is the difference between a complete success and an utter failure.
I’ve struggled with discipline from time-to-time in my life. Usually it’s right at the beginning of something. In a weird sort of way, I’ve come to appreciate it. I appreciate the power of discipline and what it can do in my life.
Discipline can get you anywhere that you want to go. Whether it’s a weight loss goal, a promotion at work, or growth in the spiritual life, discipline is a key element for success.
It really is like a muscle. You have to build it up, and it takes time to do so. Discipline is grown one choice at a time.
If you’ll persevere, if you’ll continue to grow this muscle, you’ll be unstoppable. Any task, any objective, or any goal can be attained if you’ll simply apply discipline.
Quiet Time Together
There’s a belief that whenever spouses have “together time,” they should be actively chatting or interacting. As humans, we need our quiet time to rest, recharge, and restore our creative energies. Together time shouldn’t always be active or talkative, spending quiet time together is just as important.
As the day comes to a close, the body begins preparing for sleep. With a good sleep hygiene routine, you can help your body get ready for bed so you don’t spend hours tossing and turning. As bedtime draws near, peaceful, quiet and calm activities can help you naturally get a better night’s sleep.
This quiet time can be spent with your wife. You’ll be spending time in close physical proximity, but not necessarily doing anything together. You might read the paper while she catches up on social media. You might both be reading a book, or finishing up some brainstorming.
We’ve grown too uncomfortable with silence. It can be a really nice experience to be together, in peace, with no noise, the quiet softly relaxing both of you. In fact, you might even find that you both come away from this time together feeling more connected than ever.
We need active times, we need quiet times. We need busy times, we need calm times. Our relationships require the same things as our bodies do. Live a balanced life ensuring that all needs are met.
Bedroom As Sacred Space
We have many rooms in our homes, but perhaps the most curious is the bedroom. We have an entire room, sometimes per person, dedicated solely to sleeping. In fact, depending on how much you’re home during the day, it might be the room that you spend the most time in. Your bedroom is a truly sacred space.
Your bedroom is a retreat from the world. It’s a place for peace and solitude. You prepare for your day in your bedroom, you might even pray or read there. It’s the one place in your home where there really are no expectations. When you’re in your bedroom, or more commonly referred to as “your room,” no one is expecting you to be working, cleaning, or preparing anything. It’s almost as if the time you spend there is completely your own.
Your room should be regarded by everyone as your sacred space. It should be a place that you can go and not be disturbed. If you need a moment to unwind, your room should be the place to do it.
You should never fight with your wife in your bedroom. Any fight would completely disrupt the peaceful atmosphere. Just as your bedroom is a place of refuge for you, it should be the same for her.
If you’re currently only using your bedroom for sleeping, I’d encourage you to start spending some more time there during the day. We need that peace and solitude in our lives. You could meditate, read, or pray. Above all, enjoy the quiet refuge that your bedroom offers you.
Your bedroom might just be the most peaceful room in your house. Use it.
Going the Extra Mile for Her
You can’t be a minimalist husband. Marriage demands something more. Marriage demands all that you have. Marriage demands your best because your wife deserves it. What does it mean to go the extra mile for your wife?
When it comes to productivity and physical space, I love minimalism. I love a clean, simple desk. I love lightweight tools that allow me to be agile. But I don’t believe that I should put as little effort as I can into my marriage. I don’t believe that my minimum effort is what Alison wants. So I need to stretch myself. I need to break the cycle of laziness and pour my whole self into her.
Experiences matter. When we get a new product, visit a new website, or see a new place, the things that we see, hear, feel, and do create an impression. Will I be getting another product from that company? Will I be back to this website? Will I recommend this destination to family and friends?
In your marriage, you’re the head of that company, the developer of the website, or the owner of the destination. That means that it’s up to you to create the best possible experience for your wife. You have dozens of chances to “wow” her every day. You have dozens of chances to make her life better in unexpected ways. In doing so, you’re giving your marriage what it needs to grow. You’re pouring your heart into this relationship and expressing your love.
Going the extra mile doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy. It’s the simple things that can make the biggest impact. It could be picking up the bedroom, warming up her towel, offering a back rub, or getting her a glass of water for her night stand. It might even be doing one of the suggested actions from the Catholic Husband Awesome campaign. (http://www.pinterest.com/catholichusband)
Small forward progress is the key to success. Forward progress will always drive your marriage to places you want to go.
“What’s the least possible effort I need to put in to have a great marriage?” Wrong question. Tend to your marriage and make her day special.
Family Walks
One of the best things that your family can do together is take an evening walk. Not only is a walk in the evening a great stress reliever, it can significantly increase the amount of time that you spend together each day.
When I was in high school, we lived in a neighborhood that had quite a few walkers. Each evening, almost without fail, a family would walk by. The group was a man, his two sons, and their dog. If we’d catch each other, we would exchange a polite wave. I could see how intently they were talking. For them, it was a time to regroup, to share the experiences of the day, and to connect.
Alison’s hometown is very much an exercise community. On any day, and really at any time, you’ll see people out jogging, friends power walking, and families on a stroll.
Lately Alison and I have begun to take up the practice of an evening family walk.
Health professionals will tell you that 30 minutes of brisk walking each day is the right amount of exercise that we all need. There are a few specific reasons why I think family walks are the perfect idea for you and your family.
• Regular exercise increases the length of productive life together. We all want to be healthy and, if you’re like me, you want to be healthy enough to enjoy the golden years! By taking the time to exercise and maintain your body now, you’ll increase the time that you can be active in retirement. Injury and illness can stop anyone in their tracks. I want to keep them at bay for as long as possible.
• Spouses encouraging each other to exercise is a loving act. When you and your wife work out together, you’re communicating something very special. You’re mutually taking care of yourselves so that you can be more able to take care of one another.
• Walks are another opportunity to talk. You and your wife spend most of your days apart. If you count the hours from when you’re both home in the evening to bedtime, you spend very little of your days together during the week. By adopting the practice of a family walk, you can decrease the idle time in front of the TV and increase the amount of communication.
• Walks can give you better sleep. When you exercise, you sleep better. There’s nothing like the feeling of crawling into bed when your body is tired in a good way.
In order for the practice of a family walk to be successful, it needs to be part of the routine. There should be few exceptions.
The more opportunity you give yourself to have meaningful conversation with your wife, the more opportunity you give your marriage to grow.
Use the Church
Life can be a challenging journey. While we have amazing highs, we also have deeply dark lows. Part of the splendor of the Church, and being a member of the Church, is that we actually are kind of cheating. With access to the Sacraments and the Treasury of Graces, we’re able to soar higher than we would otherwise, and we’re able to find light in the darkest times of our lives.
I love meeting converts and experiencing their faith because it’s always so intentional. For them, there was a time in their life where they didn’t have access to the Church, and so they have a beautiful appreciation of what it truly means to be Catholic. I was raised with the gift of faith, which gives me a different appreciation. There was never a time in my life when I didn’t have access to the life of the Church. However, just like a convert, I’ve had to overcome the temptation to take Her for granted, and, through that process, have come to love Her.
It’s incredibly frustrating to me personally when friends who are Catholic don’t take every advantage that the Church offers. At this stage in my life, it’s usually friends getting married outside of the Church. The frustration is in knowing how much more powerful, fulfilling, and edifying their lives would be if they only they would use the Church and Her graces in the manner in which they were given to us.
The Church was given to us to help continue the saving mission of Jesus and for the salvation of souls. That means that the Church is for you and it’s for me. The Church is the lighthouse on the rocks, guiding us to safety in turbulent times. The Church is there to celebrate with joy when we receive the Sacraments. The Church is there to pick us up when we’ve fallen. The Church is there with Her vast wisdom to help us know what is Truth.
Use Her!