Bedroom As Sacred Space
We have many rooms in our homes, but perhaps the most curious is the bedroom. We have an entire room, sometimes per person, dedicated solely to sleeping. In fact, depending on how much you’re home during the day, it might be the room that you spend the most time in. Your bedroom is a truly sacred space.
Your bedroom is a retreat from the world. It’s a place for peace and solitude. You prepare for your day in your bedroom, you might even pray or read there. It’s the one place in your home where there really are no expectations. When you’re in your bedroom, or more commonly referred to as “your room,” no one is expecting you to be working, cleaning, or preparing anything. It’s almost as if the time you spend there is completely your own.
Your room should be regarded by everyone as your sacred space. It should be a place that you can go and not be disturbed. If you need a moment to unwind, your room should be the place to do it.
You should never fight with your wife in your bedroom. Any fight would completely disrupt the peaceful atmosphere. Just as your bedroom is a place of refuge for you, it should be the same for her.
If you’re currently only using your bedroom for sleeping, I’d encourage you to start spending some more time there during the day. We need that peace and solitude in our lives. You could meditate, read, or pray. Above all, enjoy the quiet refuge that your bedroom offers you.
Your bedroom might just be the most peaceful room in your house. Use it.
Going the Extra Mile for Her
You can’t be a minimalist husband. Marriage demands something more. Marriage demands all that you have. Marriage demands your best because your wife deserves it. What does it mean to go the extra mile for your wife?
When it comes to productivity and physical space, I love minimalism. I love a clean, simple desk. I love lightweight tools that allow me to be agile. But I don’t believe that I should put as little effort as I can into my marriage. I don’t believe that my minimum effort is what Alison wants. So I need to stretch myself. I need to break the cycle of laziness and pour my whole self into her.
Experiences matter. When we get a new product, visit a new website, or see a new place, the things that we see, hear, feel, and do create an impression. Will I be getting another product from that company? Will I be back to this website? Will I recommend this destination to family and friends?
In your marriage, you’re the head of that company, the developer of the website, or the owner of the destination. That means that it’s up to you to create the best possible experience for your wife. You have dozens of chances to “wow” her every day. You have dozens of chances to make her life better in unexpected ways. In doing so, you’re giving your marriage what it needs to grow. You’re pouring your heart into this relationship and expressing your love.
Going the extra mile doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy. It’s the simple things that can make the biggest impact. It could be picking up the bedroom, warming up her towel, offering a back rub, or getting her a glass of water for her night stand. It might even be doing one of the suggested actions from the Catholic Husband Awesome campaign. (http://www.pinterest.com/catholichusband)
Small forward progress is the key to success. Forward progress will always drive your marriage to places you want to go.
“What’s the least possible effort I need to put in to have a great marriage?” Wrong question. Tend to your marriage and make her day special.
Family Walks
One of the best things that your family can do together is take an evening walk. Not only is a walk in the evening a great stress reliever, it can significantly increase the amount of time that you spend together each day.
When I was in high school, we lived in a neighborhood that had quite a few walkers. Each evening, almost without fail, a family would walk by. The group was a man, his two sons, and their dog. If we’d catch each other, we would exchange a polite wave. I could see how intently they were talking. For them, it was a time to regroup, to share the experiences of the day, and to connect.
Alison’s hometown is very much an exercise community. On any day, and really at any time, you’ll see people out jogging, friends power walking, and families on a stroll.
Lately Alison and I have begun to take up the practice of an evening family walk.
Health professionals will tell you that 30 minutes of brisk walking each day is the right amount of exercise that we all need. There are a few specific reasons why I think family walks are the perfect idea for you and your family.
• Regular exercise increases the length of productive life together. We all want to be healthy and, if you’re like me, you want to be healthy enough to enjoy the golden years! By taking the time to exercise and maintain your body now, you’ll increase the time that you can be active in retirement. Injury and illness can stop anyone in their tracks. I want to keep them at bay for as long as possible.
• Spouses encouraging each other to exercise is a loving act. When you and your wife work out together, you’re communicating something very special. You’re mutually taking care of yourselves so that you can be more able to take care of one another.
• Walks are another opportunity to talk. You and your wife spend most of your days apart. If you count the hours from when you’re both home in the evening to bedtime, you spend very little of your days together during the week. By adopting the practice of a family walk, you can decrease the idle time in front of the TV and increase the amount of communication.
• Walks can give you better sleep. When you exercise, you sleep better. There’s nothing like the feeling of crawling into bed when your body is tired in a good way.
In order for the practice of a family walk to be successful, it needs to be part of the routine. There should be few exceptions.
The more opportunity you give yourself to have meaningful conversation with your wife, the more opportunity you give your marriage to grow.
Use the Church
Life can be a challenging journey. While we have amazing highs, we also have deeply dark lows. Part of the splendor of the Church, and being a member of the Church, is that we actually are kind of cheating. With access to the Sacraments and the Treasury of Graces, we’re able to soar higher than we would otherwise, and we’re able to find light in the darkest times of our lives.
I love meeting converts and experiencing their faith because it’s always so intentional. For them, there was a time in their life where they didn’t have access to the Church, and so they have a beautiful appreciation of what it truly means to be Catholic. I was raised with the gift of faith, which gives me a different appreciation. There was never a time in my life when I didn’t have access to the life of the Church. However, just like a convert, I’ve had to overcome the temptation to take Her for granted, and, through that process, have come to love Her.
It’s incredibly frustrating to me personally when friends who are Catholic don’t take every advantage that the Church offers. At this stage in my life, it’s usually friends getting married outside of the Church. The frustration is in knowing how much more powerful, fulfilling, and edifying their lives would be if they only they would use the Church and Her graces in the manner in which they were given to us.
The Church was given to us to help continue the saving mission of Jesus and for the salvation of souls. That means that the Church is for you and it’s for me. The Church is the lighthouse on the rocks, guiding us to safety in turbulent times. The Church is there to celebrate with joy when we receive the Sacraments. The Church is there to pick us up when we’ve fallen. The Church is there with Her vast wisdom to help us know what is Truth.
Use Her!
Mass Journal
What would it be like if at every Mass you attended, you had a breakthrough moment? What would it be like if at every Mass something impacted you in a way that you really needed. Perhaps it would be some inspiration in a time of darkness or some encouragement for your life? Adopting the habit of a Mass Journal could be the game changer for you.
Last month, Alison, Benedict, and I loaded up the car and drove to Ohio for my cousin’s wedding. It was about a 6 hour drive. We had plans to drive back home on Sunday afternoon after going to Mass. Benedict was pretty fussy at Mass, so he and I stood in the back so he could calm down. While there, I saw one of those Lighthouse Media Catholic CD stands. I’m sure you’ve seen one at your parish, too. We thought it might be good to pick out one of the CDs for the ride home. We chose a talk by Matthew Kelly.
In the talk, Matthew talked about the use of a Mass Journal. He advocated that if we’d use this tool, after one year we’d have the most powerful spiritual resource that we could get a hold of. I was inspired, so I adopted the practice.
A Mass Journal is just that, a journal. Each time you go to Mass, Matthew suggests the following simple prayer, “God, show me one way in this Mass I can become a better version of myself this week.” Then, expect God to talk to you.
The real power of the Mass Journal is that you become a very active listener. I find myself attentively paying attention to everything (homily and all!) looking for that one thing that I need to hear.
In the month or two since I’ve taken up the habit, I haven’t been let down. I’ve found real spiritual growth in my life. It’s always the right message that I need to hear on that particular week.
It’s easy to get started. Simply get a journal, take it to Mass, and write down the one thing that strikes you most. When I started, I used a journaling app on my phone. I felt really awkward using my phone in Church, so getting a physical journal is really important for making this work.
Mass shouldn’t happen to us. Be an active participant and an active listener to God’s Word in your life. Use a Mass Journal. It just might make you a better husband.
How to Ease into Daily Prayer
Any time you try to establish a new habit, the best implementation is gradual. If you start too quick, you’ll peter out. If you start too slow, you’ll lose interest and move on. The approach that will give you the best results is one that eases you into the habit.
I’m extremely goal oriented, so when I set a goal, I want to charge at it. For most goals, it’s the appropriate response. Having tenacity and confidence is extremely helpful. However, for things like adopting a habit of exercise or daily prayer, it can be all wrong. I’ve learned that, especially with prayer, it’s more important to begin with a simple routine of high quality prayer time.
When you decide to begin a daily prayer routine, start by asking yourself 4 simple questions.
• Where am I? An accurate and up-to-date self-evaluation of your spiritual life can be tremendously helpful. If you’ve been away from prayer for a while, you’ll need to adjust your plans for that. If there is a particular form of prayer that you find difficult, you’ll want to avoid that type of prayer. By better choosing your starting point, you’ll have a better chance of making significant progress.
• How much time do I have? You have a number of commitments on your time. Between family, work, and friends, you have a lot going on. God isn’t asking you to drop all of that. He’s asking to be added to your list. So, by figuring out how much time you do have that you can devote to prayer, you can come up with a list of prayerful activities. If you have an hour daily, perhaps daily Mass could make it on your list. If you literally only have 15 minutes, a Rosary or spiritual reading will do.
• Can I find more time somewhere else? Time is all about priorities. If something is important enough to us, we’ll find the time to make it happen. If you find yourself only able to give 15 minutes to prayer, where in your schedule can you free up more time? Is there something you can cancel? Is there something you can limit? Can you wake up earlier or go to bed a little later?
• What does success look like? This all-important part of goal setting is too often ignored. Instead of defining success, we define failure. So, let’s get this one right. What does a successful daily prayer habit look like to you?
Starting a daily prayer habit is an excellent first step in the spiritual life. Start reasonable, start gradually, but above all, START!
What if We Lived the Way We Ought?
When did being pious start being perceived as pretentious?
Benedict has recently gotten onto a very structured sleep-wake-play schedule. This change has allowed me to bring structure back into my own life. As a result, we’ve been able to establish a solid daily prayer routine. As I’ve experienced the profound joy in my life through this change, I found myself hesitant to share. I wasn’t ashamed, I just didn’t want people to roll their eyes at me.
We should never be ashamed of winning at the spiritual life. In fact, living a holy and pious life is the way we ought to live. It’s the only real way to live. We’re supposed to live in Communion with God. We’re supposed to be full of faith and charity.
Living the life that you ought to live begins with a daily prayer routine. It’s more than just a few minutes at the beginning of the day. It’s a habit. It’s regular. It’s taking the time throughout the day to pray, to remind yourself of the love of God. That’s what a true routine is. Not anything massive, nothing groundbreaking, nothing new, just a simple habit of regularly talking to God.
What’s more important than our own spiritual growth is the witness we give to those around us. Your example of prayer and holiness might inspire someone who will ultimately convert, it might inspire your wife, it might even inspire your children.
If you’re living the way you ought to, never be afraid to share the joy that you’ve found. Be bold!
Kids at Mass
There’s an ongoing debate in the Catholic Church about what should be done with children who make noises during Mass. To some, it’s a needless distraction when kids can be taken to the cry room. To others, it’s important for the kids to have Mass as a regular part of their lives. To those who think that kids making noise should be immediately removed from the Sanctuary, let me save you some time, you’re wrong.
Parents should make every reasonable effort to bring enough discipline into their children’s lives so that they will be respectful during Mass. However, especially with very young children, sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Despite this reality, I think that there are three reasons why kids should be kept in Church during the Mass for as long as possible.
• Cries of children are the voice of the young Church. We have a Church that loves and promotes life. When I hear kids making noise at Mass, I celebrate the fact that in a time when children are so vigorously avoided, I’m part of a community that rejects that lie. As Baptized members of our Church, young children have just as much of a right to be at Mass as anyone else. Their cries remind us that our Church isn’t going anywhere and that its saving mission will continue long after we’re gone.
• The majority of US Catholics don’t go to Mass weekly, so let’s start this generation right. If Mass is important (which it is), I want to communicate that fact to Benedict. I don’t want there to ever be a time when he doesn’t have Mass as a part of his weekly schedule. The younger years are the time when habits and world views are established. If we want a healthier and more vibrant Church, we need to do what great marketers already know, and start them young.
• You’re already distracted, so don’t blame it on the kids. One of the more common arguments in favor of removing kids from Mass is that it’s a distraction. I’d counter by saying you’re already distracted. You read the bulletin during the homily, your eyes glaze over during the readings, and honestly, those are only the exterior signs. My keeping Benedict at home isn’t going to instantly make you attentive.
I’m also opposed to families leaving kids at home entirely. I know that it’s a challenge wrangling kids at Mass, and I can only imagine how difficult it is with multiple young children. At one point, I heard it suggested that by splitting the family for Mass, the parents could finally prayerfully concentrate during the liturgy. First, I think that families should always go to Mass together. Second, I don’t consider caring for Benedict a detraction from my prayer. I see fulfilling my vocation as a father to be an entirely prayerful experience.
All that being said, there are times when kids need to be removed for a few minutes to collect themselves. At 11 months, Benedict is usually getting restless after Communion, so one of us will take him into the back for the final blessing. If you do take your child out, make it for as short a time as possible.
When your kids are at an age where they can start to understand things, hype up the Mass. Explain to them how awesome it is. Sit in the front so they can see everything happening. Find ways to engage them. Show them the splendor of the Church.
The family needs to go to Mass together and children need to be there. Period.
My Favorite Part of Fatherhood
I love my son. He’s 11 months now and really knows how to get around.
During the day, we have a few blocks of time that I loosely call free-play. For most of the time, we’re both in the Family Room. I’m either on the couch or standing at the breakfast nook working on this or that.
I have a pretty hands-off approach during free-play. We have plenty of other times during the day where either Alison or I are actively directing his activities. So, during free-play, I put toys all over the Family Room and he’s free to wander and play as he wishes. Sometimes he’ll look out the window or systematically pull books off the bookshelf.
This time gives him a safe place where he can explore his world. He can feel different textures, experience the freedom of movement, and practice his coordination. I see his developmental growth as a tiny human and it’s really fun.
My favorite part of fatherhood happens during free-play. It’s when, despite the dozens of other options available to him, he crawls over, stands up on the couch, and wants to see me. He laughs, he smiles, he tries to bite my toes.
It’s a great time for both of us. We connect. It’s my favorite part of fatherhood.
How to Fight with Your Wife
Fights in your marriage will happen. They will range in severity, but, from time to time, you will have a serious disagreement with your wife. There’s the right way to handle it and a wrong way to handle it. Usually, I choose the wrong way.
I hate fighting with Alison. We’re just so bad at it. No matter how much I think I’m right going into the argument, I always come out losing. My approach is all wrong. I don’t set it up right, I don’t have a clear argument to make, and so the further we get into it, the worse I do. What’s the right way to fight with your wife?
• Stop. Before you launch into this fight, just wait for a minute and go through this process.
• Review your motivations. Why do you feel that you need to bring this up? Are you seeking a greater personal gain? What’s really motivating this feeling that you need to get resolution to the alleged problem?
• Take 3 days. Emotions and fights don’t mix. If you’re emotional, you’ll make bad decisions. If what you’re concerned with is a real problem, then it will still be a problem in 3 days. What this time will give you is clarity. You’ll refine your thoughts to a point where you can clearly articulate them and not resort to personal attacks.
• How am I the problem? You and your wife are one. That means that if she’s doing something that’s annoying you, you might be the problem. It might not be clear to you right now, but there might be something that you’re doing that’s contributing to what she’s doing. Figure out how you’re a contributing factor and keep that in mind when deciding if you need to fight with her.
• Is this me trying to change her? Your wife isn’t a robot or a designer baby. You don’t get to change her.Why would you want to? You did choose to marry her for who she is, right? Trying to change your wife is unkind. So if that’s what’s driving you, I can guarantee you’ll lose.
Fighting with your wife is a part of the renewal that comes in marriage. The outcome helps you both grow from past mistakes and to not repeat them again. There are other ways to find renewal in your marriage. I’d recommend using the other ways as frequently as possible.