Why Do You Go to Mass?
Why do you go to Mass? In our lives, the intent behind an action is sometimes more important than the action itself. What are your motivations?
Intentions matter, a lot. You can do something very good with bad intentions. For example, you could help resettle a refugee family so that others will think highly of you. Bad intent can ruin any good that might come from an action.
Going to Mass on Sunday is a requirement of Catholics. The Church has this requirement because She knows that we need to be together as a community, and we, as individuals, need strength to make it through the week.
Do we go out of a sense of duty? Do we go out of a sense of obligation? Or do we go out of a sense of love?
If you find yourself going out of a sense of duty or obligation, it’s time to reevaluate your intent.
Your faith should be a love affair. Nothing in your relationship with God should feel like an obligation. Instead, you lovingly let go of your own desires and accept that of God.
Grace
Grace is a gift. It’s given freely to us by God, available to us the moment we choose to accept it. What does the decision to accept or reject grace mean for us?
The great thing about God is that He never forces anything on us. He never forces us to love Him, He doesn’t prevent us from sinning. This is a good thing because it removes the possibility of the existence of pre-destination. You have complete control over your destiny and whether or not you spend eternity in Heaven.
What it does mean is that if we want to make it to Heaven, we’ve got a lot of work to do. Since God isn’t forcing a decision on us, if we choose to love Him, we’re choosing a task that we’re woefully unprepared to undertake. To make up for this inadequacy, God offers us grace.
Grace is the supernatural currency that allows us to rise above our circumstances. It allows us to enhance the good in our lives and to make better choices.
If we accept grace, we will grow in love. Our actions, our words, and our thoughts will be more loving. This creates a trickle-down effect to those around us. As we’re more loving, it becomes easier for others to reciprocate that love and, therefore, they become more loving.
The sooner we begin to accept grace, the better our lives will be. While we’ll still face sufferings and hardships, they’ll be easier to bear. As we undergo trials, we’ll know that we’re both not alone and not suffering needlessly.
Grace is the key to the locked door out of our own humanity. When we avail ourselves of the graces we need to be the people we are called to be, we begin to get a glimpse into the mind of God.
Block Out “You” Time
We all need margin in our lives. Finding that margin can be difficult, but it needs to be a priority.
I love productivity hacks and I love planning my weeks and days. The thing is, most days, Benedict isn’t really interested in cooperating with my schedule. I’ve always performed better when I control a huge block of time in which I can execute my tasks or plan. Until the past two weeks or so, Benedict’s schedule has only given me small pockets of time. It’s been an adjustment to make to get motivated to do short bursts of work. What I really noticed is that if I don’t carefully block out personal time, it didn’t happen.
We need to be working. We need to be praying. We need to be sleeping. We need to be playing with our family. We also need to have some time each day for doing something that we really want to do. It may be reading, playing a video game, or watching a movie. We need time to ourselves that isn’t goal-related, that isn’t work, and that’s 100% fun. So does your wife.
Getting this time to happen is always the challenge, and it’ll continue to be a challenge throughout your life. The way for both you and your wife to have this special time is to communicate your expectations.
• How often? If you think of your time like a budget, you’ll quickly figure out that there are way more things that you would like to do than you have time for. I’d love to be working on multiple writing projects, apps, podcasts, and other Catholic Husband things to make this a better resource for you, but I just simply don’t have the time for it all. So I have to edit things down. You’re the same way. What does that mean for your margin time? It means that it might not happen every day. It might be every other day or a few times a week.
• How long? In your mind, how much time would you like to have for this time block? I love playing Civ V, but by the hour and a half mark, I’m bored and ready for something new. By sharing with your wife how long you need (and vice versa) you can both be guilt free because you both know exactly what to expect.
• When? As a husband, your time is not your wholly your own. As a father, you have the opportunity to share more of your time with your family. Finding a good time for this margin is going to be the most critical component of your success. It might be before the kids get up or after they go to bed. On the weekend, plan with your wife when you’d like the margin time and ask her to take care of the kids. Then, when she’s ready for her time, you’ll watch the kids. Teamwork is a beautiful thing.
If you have clear expectations with your wife, you can both enjoy your respective margin times without guilt, fear, or worry. Everything is taken care of, you aren’t being selfish, what you’re doing is an approved activity. It’s one of the most relaxing feelings in the world.
You need margin time in your life. You need alone time. You need fun. Plan to take some regular margin time and don’t neglect it!
IKEA Builds More than Furniture
IKEA just might be the greatest store in the world. The entire showroom is a playground for adults (and kids, too!). When you walk through the aisles, your imagination goes wild and begins putting everything into its place in your home. IKEA is the worst store in the world when you get home.
If you’re unfamiliar with IKEA, they feature modern, modular furniture that you pay bottom dollar for. In exchange, you get to assemble everything. It’s great because it usually takes at least 2 people for the assembly. That means that Alison and I get quality time together.
Assembling furniture is bad because it’s usually moderately difficult. If you’re like me and get frustrated easily, then this is going to be a challenge for you.IKEA supplies you with both the materials to build your furniture as well as plenty of opportunities to grow in patience.
Despite the challenges, it’s fun to use your mind deciphering assembly instructions and your hands to bring your furniture to life. If you work with your wife, it can be even more fun. Together you can build the furniture that will decorate your home together. I can think of few nicer things to do on the weekend.
IKEA builds more than furniture. They build opportunities for quality spousal time.
Family Time on a Weeknight
Family life is central to the Catholic experience. While we gather as a community to celebrate the Sacraments, the majority of the Church’s work happens at home, in the family. While busyness and a multitude of weeknight activities fill the family calendar, it’s important to spend time together each evening.
My family’s weeknight schedule varies from week to week. Although we don’t have too many regularly scheduled activities during the week, Alison’s work schedule does change, which means the amount of time we have fluctuates. It’s generally safe for us to assume that we’ll have 1 hour before Benedict goes to bed and 1 hour after he does. We spend most of that time together eating dinner, going for a walk, watching Netflix, or reading.
The family being apart during the day is essentially a necessity for most homes. Someone needs to work and the children need to go to school and participate in extracurricular activities. This busyness makes evening time together that much more important.
Family time isn’t just for the weekend. Family life isn’t relegated to two days per week. Instead, the family needs those daily connection points to remain strong and grow.
Certainly on weeknights time constraints weigh heavily on the ways families can spend time together. However, time constraints do not lessen the importance of this time. Your family can share a meal, have lively conversation, pray, read, walk, or any other number of activities. The most important thing is that you’re connecting. This is a time for the parents to communicate very strongly and clearly that their children are important and loved. This is a time for spouses to communicate very strongly and clearly that they are a priority. This is a time for children to learn the importance of family life.
If you’re struggling to find time in the evenings, you’re going to need to make some. Limit activities to those which end at a reasonable hour. Ensure that your kids have their homework done as soon as they get home. Manage your career so that work that absolutely must get done either happens at the office or after the kids are in bed. The saying rings true, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way."
The life of a family is more important than work, it’s more important than sports, and it’s more important than school. The home is the bedrock from which strong families can grow. Invest the time to make sure that yours is set.
The Best Way to Make it Up to Her
There are many times in our relationships that we make mistakes. There are times when we don’t love her as we should or when we hurt her.
We try to make it up with apologies and flowers. It works, to a degree. But it’s not the best way to make it up to her.
The best thing you can do is very simple. Learn your lesson and don’t do it again.
Cherish Your Family
The life of a family is one of seasons. There’s the season before a couple has children. There’s the season when they have young children. There’s the season when the children are becoming adults. Finally, there’s the season when the children are grown and are starting their own families. Each season has its joys and challenges. The key to living a successful family life is to cherish each season.
I am lucky enough to be Benedict’s primary caregiver during the day. We’ve worked out a very nice system that gives us both time for play and time for rest. When he’s awake, we’re together. When he’s asleep, I’m working. I’ve enjoyed the time when he was an infant and wanted to be held. I’m trying to enjoy this time when he’s getting ready to walk and starting to speak.
We have limited time with our families each day. Work, activities, appointments, and other events keep us apart on a regular basis. We’re all growing and we all are trying to meet needs, but it’s important that the time we have together is special.
Each stage of life is special. It can be easy to look back and wish things could be as they were. The problem with an outlook on life that’s constantly longing for the past is that it misses the true beauty of the present. Yes, Benedict is getting into things that are getting him into trouble, but he didn’t used to be able to laugh.
The time we spend with our families should never be wasted. Every moment doesn’t have to be highly structured and maximized for efficiency, but we can take advantage of elevating ordinary activities. I personally believe this is why dinner together around the table is so important. It takes something as routine as eating a meal and turns it into a shared experience.
It may sound trite, but we need to cherish our families. We need to recognize them as the gift that they are. It’s our privilege to nurture a marriage, to raise children. It’s not always an easy task, but it is a wonderful one.
No Shortcuts
A few weeks ago, we heard at Mass the Gospel in which Peter tried to get Jesus to skip the Passion. Shockingly (or it should be quite shocking), Jesus replied strongly with, “Get behind me Satan!” Whoa. Jesus responded in this way because Peter was asking Him to take a shortcut and Jesus knew that there was no shortcut to saving humanity.
There are many things in my life that I’d like to take a good shortcut from. I wish there was a shortcut out of debt, I wish that there was a shortcut to getting to my weight goal. I wish there was a shortcut to being the perfect husband. The thing is, shortcuts almost never work. Shortcuts out of debt turn out to be scams. Shortcuts to weight loss have only a temporary effect. There are no shortcuts in life.
In the spiritual life, we’d love to take a few nice shortcuts. The fact is, being Catholic and following the teachings of the Church are, in practice, quite difficult. This true freedom that the Church wants for us ironically requires us to deny ourselves. That’s just hard.
Anywhere that I really want to go requires that I have the discipline and persistence to reach the goal.
• Discipline. When you have a goal, especially a long term one, you have to have the discipline to see things through. Major weight loss can be a multi-year journey. Being the husband you want to be is the journey of a lifetime. Discipline gives us the strength and confidence that we need to reach our goal. It can also reach into other areas of our lives to help us grow. If you have discipline, you can accomplish anything.
• Persistence. Every journey is full of ups and downs. You’ll make good progress on your fitness plan, and then you’ll have a work trip and fall off the wagon. Failing to complete a goal perfectly doesn’t matter if you reach the goal. The ability to reset, refocus, and start charging again is the true mark of a man.
If Christ knew that He couldn’t take a shortcut from the cross, we should expect the same. To be the people we were made to be, to reach our Eternal Destiny, we’ll have struggles. We’ll have pain. We’ll have shortcomings. If we have the discipline to maintain our prayer life and, frankly, our love affair with God, and if we have the persistence to move past temptation and sin, we’ll make it.
There are no shortcuts to anywhere you want to be. Reaching your goals, whether they be physical, intellectual, or spiritual requires hard work and daily forward progress.
Spend One-on-One Time with Your Kids
Growing up in a military family, my dad was constantly deployed. He’d be gone for 3-6 months at a time, leaving my mom alone to wrangle us three kids. When we were living in South Korea, my parents came up with a brilliant idea. Each weekend, they’d reserve time to spend with us one-on-one. The kids would get to pick what we wanted to do. It was an excellent practice that provided for some great memories and experiences.
Planning one-on-one time with your children is an excellent practice to adopt. Not only does the child experience the love and attention that quality time can give, the parent gains the same benefits. This can be an especially powerful tool in the middle and high school days, when kids try to publicly distance themselves from their parents.
During this one-on-one time, parents should do what the kids want to do. This will give the parent invaluable insight into the thinking of their child. This insight can be used to further strengthen and reinforce the parental relationship. It also puts the parent in an ideal place for sharing what’s really going on in their life. When in their own element, a kid is more likely to open up about what’s really going on, especially emotionally. This can prevent a whole range of negative life events in a child’s life when a parent is able to meaningfully and intelligently intervene.
Aside from the direct benefit to the parent, this one-on-one time will become the highlight of both of your weeks. You’ll both be looking forward to the time you’ll spend together. It’s a time for the child to feel loved and for the parent to express love.
Activities can be widely varied. It might be something athletic like taking a walk, running, or playing ball. It might be a shopping trip, dinner and a movie, or a sporting event. The most important thing is that the parent is participating in an activity that the child wants to do. That might mean some sacrifice, especially if it’s a physical activity. Again, this is about expressing the value of the child in the parent’s life.
If you have more than 2 children, this practice can be difficult. My parents handled the three of us very simply: 1 child with mom, 1 child with dad, and 1 child on their own. The “on your own” child got to do whatever they wanted at home. For me, I think I mostly played computer games, the time for which was greatly limited during the week. These days, it might be watching a movie, reading, or taking a bike ride. This should be considered as recreation time, so it should be a treat. Loosen some restrictions that happen during the week so that any child who isn’t getting one-on-one time that week still gets to feel special.
If you’ve been struggling to get your child to connect with you, or if you’re looking to build upon your relationship and continue to grow it, consider adding one-on-one time to your weekly schedule.
Making Time for Playtime
Kids grow up too fast. As parents, we have the privilege of experiencing their daily growth. As a part of this experience, the days can quickly and easily meld into one another and huge developmental leaps can be quickly overlooked as others come along. It’s important for us, despite our busy lives, to remember something from our own childhood: it’s important to make time for playtime.
As adults, we have significantly more responsibilities than we did as children. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal on sleep indicated that the best age for optimal sleep is 8 years old. According to the article, when an 8 year old goes to sleep, they do so effortlessly. In their minds, the day is over, there is nothing else that needs to be done, and so their brain is able to rest. As adults, we let pillow time become stress time. We go over the day’s events, stress over tomorrow, and think about 30 things on our to-do list that we can’t do anything about in that moment.
Playtime is especially important for parents. We need to schedule, if necessary, time to play with our kids. There’s a balance to be struck. Our kids need their independence and time to explore the world. It’s healthy for them to learn to self-soothe, to self-entertain, and to self-direct. It’s also healthy for them to have structured time in which to interact with their parents. This not only forms healthy parent-child bonds, it communicates a deep love for them. When their parents take the time to play with them, it means a lot to that child.
The main obstacle keeping you from playing with your kids on a regular basis is your own energy. We get up early, go to work, and come home exhausted. We let the daily grind and stresses wear us down and, at the end of the day, our tanks are empty. Why is it that kids can get up early, run around all day, study in school, and at bedtime still have tons of energy? It’s because they do things to keep their energy levels topped off. They laugh easily. They exercise. They sleep. They do all of the things that we don’t do as adults.
The secret to life is to live like a child. Make exercise a part of your life. Have superior sleep hygiene so that your time in bed is dedicated to sleep, not stress. Involve a robust prayer life in your day. Prayer alone can be a game changer. The meditation and mindfulness that’s involved with prayer has been linked in study after study to better health outcomes. Meditation and mindfulness lower your blood pressure, manage some chronic conditions, and actually rewires your brain.
If you resolve to living like a child, then you need time for play. Dedicate that time to playing with your kids. Go to a park, run around in the yard, play catch. Don’t let anything interrupt your plans because you won’t get today back. Your kids will only be home for so long until they move out to start their own families.
Even though you’re living like a kid, you still have adult responsibilities. As much as you can, do your thing while they sleep. Reading is important. I like reading books daily, along with the paper. I read books early in the morning when Alison and Benedict are asleep. I read the paper in the afternoon while Benedict is napping and Alison is still at work. This schedule allows me to have “me” time that I consider a priority without stealing from together time with my family. If your kids are old enough, have “Reading Time” in your house. We did this in my family growing up. For 30 minutes a day, we all stopped what we were doing and read.
As the parent, you’re in the driver’s seat. If you make time to play with your kids, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to read, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to pray, it’ll happen. It’s good to be king. So be a good king. Don’t neglect playtime. It’ll pay dividends.