Catholic Husband

A lifetime together is a journey of 1,000 miles. Each day, you take small steps forward and, some days, you simply make no progress. We all want to be better people, to live up to the idea of a person we have in our heads, but breaking free from our self-limitations can be extremely challenging, if not almost impossible to do.

We structure our time in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. In the minutes, hours, and days, it can be easy for us to lose perspective and let opportunities to improve our marriage pass us by. It’s incredibly easy to begin to take our spouse for granted and slowly stop recognizing the true gift that she is. In these times, we need to be most aware that, as we close our eyes at night, the day that is ending can never be regained.

I’ve written many times about the importance of time and how it’s the singularly most important resource that we have. Although minutes and hours are small units of time, they are the building blocks of our lives. They’re where life happens. We need to take better advantage of them.

As 2014 draws rapidly to a close, you no doubt are pondering what you’d like to do differently next year. For some reason, we’ve collectively decided that it’s only at the beginning of a New Year that we should amend our lives and course correct to a direction that we really want to go in. While I don’t believe the New Year is the only time to do this, it’s true that this major time trailhead does provide ample opportunity for a do-over.

While others spend their time planning out impossible fitness goals, career goals, or intellectual goals, I want to challenge you to do something incredibly radical. The relationship with your wife is the single most important relationship in your entire life. There should be no one on Earth that you’re closer to. You and your wife share everything. There are no secrets, there’s no shame, there’s only security. I want you to decide to invest very heavily in your marriage in 2015 and plan to have the best year yet!

So many times we can fall into victim thinking. When your wife isn’t considerate of your feelings or does something that bothers you, it’s so easy to slip into the blame game that’s typical of our other relationships. The fact is, your marital relationship isn’t like your other relationships. It’s wholly different.

Instead of trying to make everything equatable, what if in 2015 you laid your life completely down for her, as you promised you would on your Wedding day? What if you yielded to her needs and made her feel honored the way that she should? What if you did everything you could to decrease yourself and your needs and increased hers? What if all of your actions pointed towards loving and serving her more deeply?

On December 10, 2015, if you did all of those things, how much stronger would your marriage be?

The married life is permanent and yours will likely endure until the day you die, which could be decades away. It’s a daunting task to those who don’t understand the beauty and richness that constancy and stability bring. The fact remains, the stronger your marriage bond is, the happier you and your wife will be. The more in sync you are with your wife, the more prosperous you both shall be.

Think about the areas in your marriage where you aren’t living up to this standard. Think about the times and situations where you habitually fail to be the husband that you can be. Choose your 2 biggest areas of failure and, starting today, find ways to overcome those shortcomings. Set reminders for yourself to review your progress and as you overcome an area, add a new one.

We all have visions of perfection in our minds, visions of the husband we want to be. You can be that man, you can be that husband, if you’re willing to do the work to overcome what years of relational hurts and failures has created.

You’re a smarter man than you were on January 1st of this year. You have the potential to be the awesome husband that your wife deserves. Make it your goal to unlock that potential in 2015 and honor her the way that she deserves to be honored.

Alison and I have been married for 26 months. That means that our Budget Committee has assembled 26 times to write 26 different budgets. There have been some fun meetings when we were flush with cash and there have been meetings where things were really tight. We’ve had Budget Committee meetings that planned for the arrival of Benedict, and planned for gift giving to those we love most. Our Budget Committee has planned for everything from trips to toothbrushes. Over time, we’ve refined how we operate our Budget Committee and I’d like to share our process with you.

All couples who have a Budget Committee should enter into the process with two general assumptions: 1) the process will change and evolve over time and 2) the use of veto power should be done with intentionality.

As the end of the month draws near, I clean up our monthly budget in YNAB (You Need A Budget), our budgeting software. I also prepare next month’s budget in broad strokes for categories that we already know what the expense will be, i.e. Rent. With the budget cleaned up, I print off 2 copies of the current month and 2 copies of the upcoming month.

Alison and I put Benedict to bed, though we plan on inviting him to some meetings when he’s old enough, and sit down at our breakfast nook.

We first do a post-mortem of the current month’s budget. Line by line we look at what we spent our money on. This is incredibly helpful in two respects. First, it highlights areas where we either over budgeted or under budgeted. Second, it gives us accountability. We’re not perfect people, so we do overspend in some categories each month. Although we may overspend a category, we never overspend the budget, meaning the money just comes from another line item.

The post-mortem is almost like a report card. We have the goal (Get out of debt) and we can compare how we spent with that goal. Sometimes we do really well and other times we don’t. After doing the post-mortem, we decide which categories to empty to $0 into a line we call “Gazelle Debt Reduction.” This line is for any “found” money that comes in during the month. So any income that’s above and beyond our paychecks goes into this line and at the end of the month, we decide how to spend it. Spoiler: it almost exclusively goes to debt. So, for example, if we don’t drive as much as we expected, we typically take the Gas budget down to $0 and move the leftover money to the Gazelle Debt Reduction. We don’t do this for all categories. Car Repairs, for example, we always leave funded because we want to keep building up that budget line in anticipation of future repairs.

After the post-mortem, we look at the upcoming month’s budget. We plan for birthdays and anniversaries, we look ahead to upcoming expenses (Christmas, travel, etc.), and we always budget incrementally for big annual bills (taxes, antivirus software subscription, membership dues, etc.). Once we’ve decided on an amount for all of the categories, we look at what’s left to budget.

We do a 0-based budget, the format that Dave Ramsey teaches in Financial Peace University, so that means that all money is allocated somewhere. For us, we “sweep” any remaining money into a line called “Salary Debt Reduction.” That’s simply money that we have from our paychecks that we’ve assigned to debt.

Once we’ve finished the first draft of the upcoming month’s budget, we discuss things that we’d like to buy in the upcoming month. I keep a running list on my phone in the Clear app so I have a pretty good idea of what we need to discuss. For example, in a recent Budget Committee meeting, I asked for money to buy antivirus software for our computers. We also budgeted for Benedict’s birthday party and discussed our Christmas budget.

After all budgets have been finalized and approved, we pull out the checkbook. We get a number of charitable solicitations during the month in the mail. I hold on to all of them and then Alison and I review them in the Budget Committee meeting. Alison and I each have lines in the budget called “Ministry Support” from which we can contribute to causes. As we review each solicitation, we consider if either wants to make a donation. If we do, we fill out the form and write the check. It really is the most fun part of the whole meeting. Finally, we write checks for any paper bills that we’ve received, usually just our utility bill that charges a fee for paying with a debit card.

Alison and I both have veto power in the Budget Committee. We don’t use it as a weapon or a negotiation tactic, just as a check and balance. There have been things that I’ve asked for that she’s said no to and there are things that she’s asked for that I’ve said no to. The veto is more of a tool than a weapon. It keeps us both in check and allows us to feel comfortable saying no to things that we feel are out of bounds. Even better a “no” often leads to a discussion that might help to clarify the initial request.

We’ve been on the whole spectrum when it comes to how we operate our Budget Committee meetings. We’ve been incredibly lax and hasty and we’ve been really intense. We’ve discussed our formulas for certain things, such as how to deal with our tithe, and it usually takes a few months for us to figure those questions out.

The best part of the whole Budget Committee is the clarity and communication that it brings. We both know exactly where we stand, what we have to spend, and where out of bounds is. We’ve found a system and a process that works for us and, as a result, we’re able to allocate more money to debt reduction than we ever have before.

This is the process we use for our monthly Budget Committee meetings. It’s really actually quite a pleasant experience and we seldom fight over it. It’s just two people discussing and agreeing how to spend our money. In the end, we’re stronger as a couple and as a family because we do the Budget Committee.

The way in which we prepare for bed directly affects how much time we spend tossing and turning. With the right moves, you can significantly increase your sleep time each night. Among the changes you can make include decreasing your caffeine consumption, taking melatonin, and limiting “screen time” in the hour leading up to your designated sleep time. Why not do things to make your wife’s bedtime better?

At the end of a long day, there are few things nicer than lying down in bed. It’s one of the most refreshing feelings in the world. By preparing your wife’s sleep space, you can significantly improve her quality of sleep and, by extension, life. 30 minutes before bedtime, start to get things ready for your wife.

A water pitcher on her nightstand is an excellent place to start! There are times, both before bed and in the middle of the night, when a glass of cool water can be very refreshing. By having a water pitcher on her nightstand, you can make sure that water is close at hand, whenever she needs it.

Hopefully your bed gets made at some point during the day. Even if it doesn’t, turn down service is a classy touch. It’s a refinement than many hotels offer and it’s provides a refreshing visual effect. Take it a step further and lay out her pajamas, ready to be easily put on. Imagine how she’ll feel when she walks into the bedroom and sees her bed ready for her and her pjs easily accessible.

A light fragrance on the bed can also help the relaxation process. Using a lavender or other related sleepy time scent can stir up deeper feelings of relaxation. These sprays can be bought at any household goods store and makes a nice bonus.

Perhaps most importantly, pick up your junk. There’s nothing worse than a cluttered bedroom floor. Not only is it unsightly, it’s also one more obstacle to avoid in the dark.

With just a few simple steps, taking a little more than 5 minutes, you can make your wife feel like she’s living at a luxurious spa instead of her everyday home. By making her bedtime better, you continue to show love through service and help her to get a better night’s sleep.

Setting goals is hard. Reaching financial ones is even more difficult. Money flows in and you instantly want to spend it. How do you balance the pursuit of your goals with the wants of today?

When you really want to buy something, it can be hard to tell yourself no, especially if you technically have the money. Budgets are great, but they only work if you stick to them. Budgets can change as needed, but if you’re constantly changing them every time you have have a whim, your budget really isn’t doing much for you.

There are 3 simple steps you can take to keep you in the driver’s seat. Impulses are just that, impulses. You’ll rationalize, you’ll explain, and you’ll feel like there’s no other option. Impulses are all emotion and emotion can get you off track in seconds. By implementing these three steps, you’ll be able to stay in control and properly process your impulses.

• Wait 30 days. If this is a real need, you won’t be able to wait 30 days. Most impulses are wants, so if you’ll wait 30 days, you can better determine how badly you really want that item. This is especially helpful because it’ll help you understand the “opportunity cost.” Opportunity cost means that if you buy A, then you can’t have B. In the end, you have to decide if you want A or B, and 30 days will help you make a better decision.

• Have a budget line to “catch money.” This was Alison’s idea, and it’s brilliant. Each month, you have categories that come in under budget, or extra money that shows up from other places. Instead of immediately giving it to a category, like Eating Out or Fun, create a new line item. Then, at your next budget committee meeting, allocate that money. You’ll make different decisions when you see a pile of money waiting, as opposed to spending it as it trickled in.

• Put reminders everywhere. Long term goals can be easy to forget. Put reminders of what you’re working towards, and more importantly, why you’re working towards it. These constant reminders will be helpful in keeping front and center why you’re sacrificing today.

Reaching financial goals is tough, but with these three simple steps, you can get more power for the fight.