Small Changes Yield Big Results
So many things in our lives are fully within our control. We control our emotions, reactions, and how we treat people. Over time, it can become embarrassingly easy to stop recognizing the gift of your wife. You see her day after day and it becomes easier and easier to act with less kindness. If you don’t watch out, you may end up treating her more like a coworker than your life’s partner.
The way that you treat your wife is completely up to you. It’s truly a choice, and one that you make daily. Lately, I’ve been making a renewed effort to treat Alison in a manner that’s consistent with my love for her. Love in my head isn’t worth anything, I have to put it into action. I’ve been contemplating the lives of the saints and trying to act in the manner that they would act. I’ve been amazed at the results.
It really doesn’t require that much extra effort to make Alison’s life better. It’s all about the small signs of love and the small acts of service that add up to a big difference. As the winter chill sets in at night, I’ve been warming up an old sock filled with rice in the microwave and putting it under the covers about half an hour before bed. That means that as she snuggles in for the night, she isn’t greeted by cold sheets but warm, radiating heat. It’s a small action, in fact, I didn’t even make the sock. She made it long ago. But that small action of warming it up and putting it under the covers is enough to make it that much easier for her to drift peacefully to sleep.
I also noticed that I was getting a little short with her. So, when things are starting to bug me, I raise my own awareness that I’m at risk for being snippy. I’m then able to not be snippy because I’m no longer giving emotional responses to things that upset me. Again, a small tweek with a big payoff. Plus, it has helped me to recognize that my obsessive tendencies towards cleanliness aren’t the easiest thing to live with.
The bottom line is that it’s hard to live out your wedding vows. It’s hard to love and cherish her every day if you don’t choose to be intentional about it. So, each day, make it a habit to recommit to loving and honoring her all the days of your life.
Family Traditions
Growing up, I lacked, in a certain sense, roots. Most children get to experience what I like to call the “Tree House Childhood.” They grow and live, for the most part, in 1 or 2 homes. There are growth charts on a door frame, a tree house in the backyard, and stories of the same teacher instructing all of the siblings.
My childhood was a bit of a different adventure. I literally traveled the world. My playground was whatever town, state, or country I was in at the time. I experienced a vast cross-section of cultures and peoples. I’m certainly not complaining about my life, it’s been amazing! How many 4th graders have climbed the Great Wall of China, celebrated Christmas Day in Singapore, kayaked the waters of Hawaii, and seen the Grand Canyon? The military offered my family a rich blend of culture and history, but it wasn’t able to offer me physical permanence.
Physical roots, though important, are not as important as familial roots. The bonds forged between family members is far more important that the memories created in a singular physical space. While I find it awesome that some “family homes” are passed down from generation to generation, I’m more impressed by longstanding family traditions passed down through the ages.
I’m about to embark on a family genealogy project, and as I prepare the tools and my plan of research, I’m reminded of the importance, as a parent, to preserve the legacy of my family (both my family of origin, and Alison’s) and pass it on to Benedict. Right now, for Benedict, Alison and I are the keepers of those precious family traditions and it’s up to us to safeguard them and hand them on to our new generation.
Family traditions are wide and varied. They surround seasons, holidays, and special occasions in our lives. In a sense, these traditions are how we mark our lives. The Christmas morning prayer before presents, for example, is a tradition that Alison’s family has. The prayer reminds us of the true gift on Christmas morning and signals the welcoming of the Christ-child into the manger.
Traditions like this simple prayer reinforce family values. A daily tradition practiced in my family was family dinner. My dad would often work late (no such thing as 9-5 in the military!) so we’d often eat dinner at around 7pm. The time wasn’t the important thing, but the fact that we did it together. I like to think that my brother and I made it a tradition to then fight about who loaded the dishwasher the last time we had to clean the kitchen together.
As keeper of the family traditions, you should also feel emboldened to forge some new ones with your wife. After all, you’re leading a completely new family. There might be opportunities that previous generations didn’t have. For example, Alison and I have started the tradition of a Technology Bowl at dinner to give ourselves some peace and time away from incessant and intrusive communication and information.
Family traditions are both beautiful and deep. I’d encourage you to reflect on the traditions of your family and be vigilant to pass them on to your children. In that way, you connect your family of today with your family of yesterday.
The Constancy of God
We’ve all experienced a time of great betrayal in our lives. An instance when we were comfortable and happy in our world, only to have it turned upside down by someone very close to us. Perhaps it was a devastating divorce of your parents or a shocking betrayal by a very close friend.
The effects of these events are enduring. We struggle to cope with them years down the road and, sadly, sometimes people never recover. We insulate ourselves from the world and from other people, causing us to miss out on some truly special relationships because we’re haunted by the ghosts of the past.
Perhaps most damaging about a single act of serious betrayal is that we stop believing in permanence. If marriage was lasting, how come my parents got divorced? If you can’t trust an old friend, whom can you trust?
Our perceptions of the world get warped and eventually this distorted view of reality ends up trampling our spiritual life. We can’t understand how anything could be permanent, so how can God always love me, even though I commit egregious sin? How can God always be with me when He feels so far away.
These are the struggles that every Christian faces at one time or another. We struggle to understand, with our knowledge of human relationships, how God can be so resilient to our disloyalty and so ready to forgive.
It’s one of the great mysteries of our faith and, truthfully, it’s one that we should be constantly celebrating.
In a world adrift, despite the mistrust we might have in human relationships, God is always present. He never leaves us and He’s always ready, able, and willing to welcome us back into His good graces.
This constancy is something that we can never hope to understand, but is something that we should place great confidence and trust in. This isn’t a fleeting promise or a flippant mood that He’s in, He is always full of mercy and love. He’s unchanging in a changing world. It’s us who leave Him, not Him who leaves us.
As we enter into this new year, now’s a good time to evaluate where you are in your relationship with God. We all have really dark times when we’ve distanced ourselves from God and maybe this is the year you rediscover the joy and peace of Catholicism.
Find some good books to read, go to Confession and experience overwhelming emotions of joy and hope, chisel out some time for daily prayer. Do good works, avoid evil, and relish the great gift of faith.
God is always waiting to hear from us. Pick up the phone right now.
My 2015 Goals
The New Year is here! 2014 is over and gone and 2015 has officially arrived.
I love the newness and promise of a new year. It’s a blank canvas, a clean slate, and the perfect opportunity to turn a new leaf.
While those who’ve made New Years Resolutions face dismal chances for success, those who’ve made goals have every reason to be optimistic.
A few days ago, I finally sat down and came up with goals for both my personal and professional life. I want to share them with you in a moment, but first, I need to get some closure with my 2014 goals.
Professionally, 2014 was a huge year. I started working as a writer full time, and, as a result, I was able to publish both my first and second book. The community response was awesome and I’m well on my way to being self-sufficient. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to reach my multi-year goal of shipping an iOS app. It’s been a goal of mine for at least 2 years, and this year just wasn’t it. I’ve decided in 2015 to make it my #1 focus and I think I have a strategy, and idea, to finally get me across the finish line.
Personally, I also had some mixed results. I didn’t make my weight goal (though I came close!) and I didn’t reach my podcasting benchmarks. I did significantly increase my prayer life and was pretty consistent with reading, but I could have done much better.
2014 definitely was a year of upheaval and although I had some really big wins, I fell short of where I wanted to be standing today. I think my biggest failure was not reviewing my goals regularly. If I had, I would have been better able to keep my eye on the prize and modified my daily habits to get me there.
Ok, with that, I’m closing 2014 and I’m fully engaged in 2015.
Here’s what I’m working on professionally this year.
While 2014 was about expanding the Catholic Husband product line, 2015 is going to be about refining it. I want to make the Catholic Husband blog the very best blog on the internet by publishing engaging, relevant, and extremely valuable content. Expect great things and for each blog to be better than the last. I want to do the same with the Podcast. By consistently providing outstanding content, I want to expand the Catholic Husband reach and help even more people!
I’m also going to launch my first iOS app later this year. I’m excited about getting this done and I have all of the resources that I need to do it. All I have to do is buckle up and get into student mode. Finally, I have a certain number of books and apps that I want to sell in order to make Catholic Husband completely self-sufficient.
Personally, this is going to be the year I reach my weight goal and I have a solid plan of how to do it. I’ll be training for my first half-marathon, so that training, along with aggressively keeping a food journal and walking at least 10,000 steps per day will help me reach this 2012 goal by September. I’m aiming to lose 2.5 lbs per month. Intellectually, I want to dedicate 30 minutes per day reading a book and complete two books per month. Financially, I have a dollar amount of debt that I want to payoff with Alison. It’s a stretch, but attainable if we stay on target with our budgeting.
While it seems like a lot, I have a total of 4 professional goals and 3 personal goals. In addition to these 7 goals, I have a few “focus areas” that aren’t goal specific, but areas that I want to improve, like having a more regular game night scheduled.
I’ve put these goals into a system in Evernote and will read them daily and track progress reports weekly. This will help me stay aware of my progress and make course corrections as they come.
This is an exciting time of year and I can’t wait to be here January 1, 2016, sharing my successes and celebrating a successful 2015!
Reclaiming Peace
Our lives are filled with boundless triumphs and difficult trials. If you look back at the past 10, 15, or even 20 years of your life, there were extended periods of time when you flourished and had a deep sense of peace. You’ll also see periods of extended difficulties, perhaps compounded by multiple negative life events. This is the rhythm of life, and no matter which season you’re experiencing today, it doesn’t change the one immovable truth: you were meant to live with a peace that surpasses understanding.
It’s definitely more difficult to recognize, or even achieve this deep sense of peace, when you are in the midst of negative life events. Let’s face it, we’re more heavily influenced by negative life events than we are by positive life events. Death, serious illness, troubles at work, and even relational problems easily overtake our minds. We succumb to extended periods of negative thoughts and that negativity affects our whole worldview. It becomes the lens through which we see the world, at least for a time.
Life is temporary, and one day, all of this will be over. So when we’re in a downturn, how do we maintain perspective? How do we cope with extremely negative events, especially those outside of our control, or those that we won’t have resolution to for months?
It’s important to start with the realization that negativity is a huge wall to climb. Death in the family is not easily overcome. Strained relationships with your spouse or with your children won’t heal overnight. We can’t simply will change and then immediately see the effect. That shouldn’t stop us, however, from making immediate positive changes to help reshape our environment.
The best way to take on negativity is to attack it head-on. We’ve got to take away some of the power it has, and that power is coming mainly from the lies that we let it tell us. Negativity will try to tell us that you’ll never get over a loss, that your relationship won’t heal, and that your work problems will end up with you unemployed.
The truth is, relationships have cycles. There are good times, there are bad times. So if you’re in a downturn, with a little work, you’ll turn the corner on this thing. Your spiritual life will have ruts. There are times when you feel really close in your relationship with God and there are times when you feel distant and alone. Whatever negativity you face, one day, it will break. You’ll have resolution and a spring will bloom in your life. All will be well.
When you face negativity, you can never surrender. Surrender will leave you stuck in perpetual negativity. Perpetual negativity robs you of the peace that you deserve, the peace that Jesus’ passion and death bought for you.
Never give up. Never surrender. This, too, shall pass.
Why Resolutions Fail
We’re very rapidly approaching 2015 and with it, the onslaught of New Year’s Resolutions. Year after year, people make promises to themselves that invariably collapse by January 15th. Why don’t resolutions work?
I love the New Year and the freshness that comes with it. A new year provides a fresh canvas and the perfect framework for setting long term goals. Each year, near the end of November, I evaluate how the past year went and make concrete decisions about what things I want to focus on for the next year. Many goals roll over, since they fell too low on the priority scale, and others I get to celebrate big wins from.
The main reason why resolutions fail is because they’re not planned for.
We say we’ll start exercising again, but that’s all that we say. There’s no plan. We say we’ll save money, but we don’t draw up a budget. We invest in all sorts of tools, but ignore the fact that complexity creates barriers.
If you’re looking for a successful 2015, here’s what you need. First, you need the “why” of what you’re doing. So many times, we have the “what.” Lose weight. Save money But we don’t have the why. The why is the deeply rooted convictions that are driving these goals. They’re the things that will get us out of bed when it’s cold or will get us to pass on the cookies at the grocery store.
Next, you need to think manageable. “Lose weight” isn’t manageable, nor is “lose 40 lbs.” You don’t have to set your ultimate goal right now, but you can set incremental goals. So you could start the year with, “Lose 10% of body weight.” Then, once you hit that target, set your next one.
Finally, you need to figure this out before December 31st. New Year’s Eve is a terrible time to start figuring out what you want to do. You want to wake up on January 1st and hit the ground running! Plus, if you’re making lifestyle changes, getting a head start could be just the boost that you need to really make things stick in 2015.
Life will happen to you if you don’t happen to it. Take some time to jot down your goals for 2015 and get ready to hit it hard on January 1st.
Better Understand Your Budget
We love to hate budgets. It can be annoying to do them, we always forget to add things, and they’re nearly unrecognizable at the end of the month. The problem with avoiding doing a budget, or doing it poorly, is that all budgets really do is acknowledge reality. We’re going to spend money, it’s just a question of how we’re going to do it. Regardless of how successful you are at staying on budget, the fact remains that ultimately you have to balance your budget, or suffer the consequences.
In order to successfully balance your budget, you must first create one. Allocate available cash to your needs, and then to your wants. That part is simple. The hard part is going to be changing how you view your budget.
Where you start isn’t where you finish. This could work either in your favor or against you. At the end of the month, you’ll have some categories with money left over. You can then roll that money forward in the same category for next month, or you can reallocate it towards your current major financial goal. This principle works against you when you overspend and then have to either cut back next month or go into debt. Which brings us to our next point.
Your budget is a living document. You (hopefully) set your budget a few days before the month begins. When you get to the end of the budgeted month, your budget will have changed in some way. You’ll overspend in one area, a bill will come in lower than expected, or some form of emergency will have come up. There’s a reason why we don’t use stone tablets for recording our budgets… they change! Change is ok, as long as at the end of the day you’re still being an adult and your obligations are being met.
Good budgeting requires practice and continued good budgeting requires discipline. Your first few written budgets will be wrong. Expect lots of corrections and additions as you forget things that you can’t believe you forgot. The key to ongoing good budgeting is to have discipline. That means saying no to yourself today so that you can reach your financial goals and then say yes to yourself later. It also means that you keep budgeting every month.
The budget is your plan to get the things you want while still having the things you need. Make it your friend, understand it, and stick with it!
How to Schedule Family Time
As families grow and mature, they all face the same essential problem: with all of the different schedules, how do we spend time together? More importantly, how does the family spend time together on a regular basis?
The divergent nature of scheduling is inevitable in a family. Each member will have their own interests and obligations to fulfill. If you take a close look at your own family’s schedules, you’ll see that there’s actually very little overlap of time when you can “guarantee” that every member is available. In fact, you might be surprised at how getting your family together is just as difficult as pulling together a meeting at work.
Consider, for a moment, what reserving an hour or two weekly for your family to spend time together would be like. You could play a game, go on an adventure, pray, anything really. Regular, scheduled family time does two things. First, it’s a real memory builder! If done consistently, your children will remember this time their entire lives. Even better, when they have families of their own, they might seek to incorporate it into their own family’s life. Second, it emphasizes to all members of your family that it’s important to spend time together regularly. This is a win-win.
Family time is important, and none of us would disagree with that statement. What’s challenging is moving beyond the theoretical, “my family needs to spend time together” to the reality of “my family spends time together every week."
Scheduling and implementing a weekly dedicated family time is hard to do and requires a lot of advanced planning. Some members of your family will be asked to sacrifice part or all of an activity for the sake of the family. That sacrifice goes to the heart of the matter: this time together is so richly important that we need to be ready to quit something so that we can make it happen.
Once you’ve sat down with your wife, reviewed the schedules, and selected a weekly “safe” time, it’ll be time for you to announce the new activity to your family. There may be some grumbling or open revolt in the ranks of your kids. You’re declaring a weekly hour to be sacred, immovable, and mandatory, which means they’re going to have to flex. There should be few (if any) exceptions made. So, if your weekly family time is Saturday at 2pm and your son wants to sign up for a play that has practice during that time, he’s not going to be able to be in that particular production.
Believe it or not, there’s a benefit to your kids when they have to pass on an activity because of Weekly Family Time. You’re helping them learn the important life lesson of time prioritization. There have been many times in my life when I’ve been unable to do something that I wanted to because a more important activity was going on at a particular time. By having this experience as a kid, your children will be better time managers in their adulthood.
Putting all of this into practice is going to be a real challenge for you and your wife to implement. Yet, you both recognize how important it is for your family to be together. So pick the best, safest time, work with your kids, and then plan to have amazing weekly family time.
Christmas Reflection
Merry Christmas!
The days of preparation of Advent are over and we’re now finally celebrating the birth of Christ. I had a particularly fulfilling Advent this year and I hope that your preparations helped you reach today with a greater sense of peace and joy.
It’s becoming a tradition that I post some form of reflection on the Holy Family on Christmas Day, and I’d like to continue that today. This is, of course, my 2nd Christmas with Benedict and the reality of being a young father has helped me to see the events of Christmas in a new light.
I particularly want to focus on St. Joseph. I continue to be impressed with his strength of character and commitment to mission. While we focus mainly on Mary’s “yes,” it can be easy to overlook St. Joseph’s constancy and protection.
The Holy Family’s journey to Bethlehem, and then on to Egypt, was treacherous. They were fleeing from a hostile and powerful government, they navigated difficult terrain, and they avoided all sorts of thieves on their route. On top of all of this, they cared for a newborn baby. What a trip that must have been!
Joseph was truly a holy man, he’d have to be to accept his mission. Not only was he to take Mary as his wife despite a pregnancy that he may not have fully comprehended, he was then asked to take his family into Egypt and support them there. Being that open to accepting the Will of God required an immense depth of Spirit, and it’s something that we should all strive for.
I’m most impressed with Joseph’s courage. He was courageous in accepting Jesus as his adopted son, he was courageous in standing up to the societal pressures to divorce and perhaps even to publicly shame Mary, he was courageous in undertaking the journey to Bethlehem with his pregnant wife, and he was courageous in taking his family to Egypt and finding work to support them there.
What does all of this tell us? How can we apply the example of Joseph in our own lives?
First, we should make ourselves open to grace. Joseph was given a tremendous amount of grace to carry out his mission, but he was only ready to accept it because he was disposed to it. A solid relationship with God is foundational in grace on this scale, and yet, many of us are called to similar missions. We’re guardians and protectors of our family, and, if we do it well, we can easily become a target of the Devil. So it’s good and necessary that we allow ourselves to be as open to God as we can be.
Second, we should place our will second to God’s. This is a true challenge. Joseph’s life plan probably didn’t involve being foster father of the Savior of the World. It was probably more along the lines of running his own carpentry shop. Yet, had Joseph sought to only live out his life plan, no one would know him and God would have had to find someone else to shepherd the young Jesus.
Last, we should do everything in the service of our family. It’s clear that Joseph was a devoted family man who was intimately involved in the life of the family until his death. He wasn’t satisfied with simply providing for the material needs of his family. He was only concerned with their happiness and fulfillment.
St. Joseph is a powerful and silent role model for us as men. May we do a better job filling his shoes in 2015 than we did in 2014.
Thank you so much for being a part of this Catholic Husband community! I wish you and your family a happy, blessed, and fulfilling Christmas and I look forward to continuing to serve you in the future!
Merry Christmas!
Eat for Success
As a husband, your health takes on a new importance. As a single man, it didn’t matter much whether you were at the top of your game or slacking off. As a married man, you have people depending on you. Your health is tied to the length of days that you get to spend with your family. While exercise is a big part of your overall health picture, one thing that can’t be neglected is your diet.
We have a pretty unhealthy view of the word “diet.” It either means pain, hunger, or desperation, depending on whom you ask. The fact is, we’re all on a diet. Your diet is the total of all that you eat. It can be a very healthy diet or a very unhealthy one. It could be high in this, low in that, or perfectly balanced.
The fact remains, no matter how much exercise you do, if you don’t control your intake, you’ll never reach your goals.
The best way to get started with a healthier diet is by menu planning. Having a plan for the week, and a list when you go grocery shopping, can significantly help you get back and stay on track. When you have a list, you’re not at the mercy of sudden whims. Grocery shopping becomes a destination, instead of a journey.
Another really successful tactic is to use a food diary. It can be a pain, but research shows that those who use a food diary meet their goals more quickly and more consistently. There are even plenty of apps out there, if that’s your thing. I personally use MyFitnessPal. Their database is huge, so the actual keeping of the diary isn’t too big of an inconvenience.
Finally, if you really need to get moving on your goals, the absolute best thing you can do is to get a friend (or your spouse!) involved. Just like having a gym buddy can keep you on track, the accountability of a friend can be the difference between success and defeat.
If you keep eating junk, you’ll end up with no energy. So hit the Internet, grab some fresh new recipes, and reach your health goals!