Reclaiming Peace
Our lives are filled with boundless triumphs and difficult trials. If you look back at the past 10, 15, or even 20 years of your life, there were extended periods of time when you flourished and had a deep sense of peace. You’ll also see periods of extended difficulties, perhaps compounded by multiple negative life events. This is the rhythm of life, and no matter which season you’re experiencing today, it doesn’t change the one immovable truth: you were meant to live with a peace that surpasses understanding.
It’s definitely more difficult to recognize, or even achieve this deep sense of peace, when you are in the midst of negative life events. Let’s face it, we’re more heavily influenced by negative life events than we are by positive life events. Death, serious illness, troubles at work, and even relational problems easily overtake our minds. We succumb to extended periods of negative thoughts and that negativity affects our whole worldview. It becomes the lens through which we see the world, at least for a time.
Life is temporary, and one day, all of this will be over. So when we’re in a downturn, how do we maintain perspective? How do we cope with extremely negative events, especially those outside of our control, or those that we won’t have resolution to for months?
It’s important to start with the realization that negativity is a huge wall to climb. Death in the family is not easily overcome. Strained relationships with your spouse or with your children won’t heal overnight. We can’t simply will change and then immediately see the effect. That shouldn’t stop us, however, from making immediate positive changes to help reshape our environment.
The best way to take on negativity is to attack it head-on. We’ve got to take away some of the power it has, and that power is coming mainly from the lies that we let it tell us. Negativity will try to tell us that you’ll never get over a loss, that your relationship won’t heal, and that your work problems will end up with you unemployed.
The truth is, relationships have cycles. There are good times, there are bad times. So if you’re in a downturn, with a little work, you’ll turn the corner on this thing. Your spiritual life will have ruts. There are times when you feel really close in your relationship with God and there are times when you feel distant and alone. Whatever negativity you face, one day, it will break. You’ll have resolution and a spring will bloom in your life. All will be well.
When you face negativity, you can never surrender. Surrender will leave you stuck in perpetual negativity. Perpetual negativity robs you of the peace that you deserve, the peace that Jesus’ passion and death bought for you.
Never give up. Never surrender. This, too, shall pass.
Why Resolutions Fail
We’re very rapidly approaching 2015 and with it, the onslaught of New Year’s Resolutions. Year after year, people make promises to themselves that invariably collapse by January 15th. Why don’t resolutions work?
I love the New Year and the freshness that comes with it. A new year provides a fresh canvas and the perfect framework for setting long term goals. Each year, near the end of November, I evaluate how the past year went and make concrete decisions about what things I want to focus on for the next year. Many goals roll over, since they fell too low on the priority scale, and others I get to celebrate big wins from.
The main reason why resolutions fail is because they’re not planned for.
We say we’ll start exercising again, but that’s all that we say. There’s no plan. We say we’ll save money, but we don’t draw up a budget. We invest in all sorts of tools, but ignore the fact that complexity creates barriers.
If you’re looking for a successful 2015, here’s what you need. First, you need the “why” of what you’re doing. So many times, we have the “what.” Lose weight. Save money But we don’t have the why. The why is the deeply rooted convictions that are driving these goals. They’re the things that will get us out of bed when it’s cold or will get us to pass on the cookies at the grocery store.
Next, you need to think manageable. “Lose weight” isn’t manageable, nor is “lose 40 lbs.” You don’t have to set your ultimate goal right now, but you can set incremental goals. So you could start the year with, “Lose 10% of body weight.” Then, once you hit that target, set your next one.
Finally, you need to figure this out before December 31st. New Year’s Eve is a terrible time to start figuring out what you want to do. You want to wake up on January 1st and hit the ground running! Plus, if you’re making lifestyle changes, getting a head start could be just the boost that you need to really make things stick in 2015.
Life will happen to you if you don’t happen to it. Take some time to jot down your goals for 2015 and get ready to hit it hard on January 1st.
Better Understand Your Budget
We love to hate budgets. It can be annoying to do them, we always forget to add things, and they’re nearly unrecognizable at the end of the month. The problem with avoiding doing a budget, or doing it poorly, is that all budgets really do is acknowledge reality. We’re going to spend money, it’s just a question of how we’re going to do it. Regardless of how successful you are at staying on budget, the fact remains that ultimately you have to balance your budget, or suffer the consequences.
In order to successfully balance your budget, you must first create one. Allocate available cash to your needs, and then to your wants. That part is simple. The hard part is going to be changing how you view your budget.
Where you start isn’t where you finish. This could work either in your favor or against you. At the end of the month, you’ll have some categories with money left over. You can then roll that money forward in the same category for next month, or you can reallocate it towards your current major financial goal. This principle works against you when you overspend and then have to either cut back next month or go into debt. Which brings us to our next point.
Your budget is a living document. You (hopefully) set your budget a few days before the month begins. When you get to the end of the budgeted month, your budget will have changed in some way. You’ll overspend in one area, a bill will come in lower than expected, or some form of emergency will have come up. There’s a reason why we don’t use stone tablets for recording our budgets… they change! Change is ok, as long as at the end of the day you’re still being an adult and your obligations are being met.
Good budgeting requires practice and continued good budgeting requires discipline. Your first few written budgets will be wrong. Expect lots of corrections and additions as you forget things that you can’t believe you forgot. The key to ongoing good budgeting is to have discipline. That means saying no to yourself today so that you can reach your financial goals and then say yes to yourself later. It also means that you keep budgeting every month.
The budget is your plan to get the things you want while still having the things you need. Make it your friend, understand it, and stick with it!
How to Schedule Family Time
As families grow and mature, they all face the same essential problem: with all of the different schedules, how do we spend time together? More importantly, how does the family spend time together on a regular basis?
The divergent nature of scheduling is inevitable in a family. Each member will have their own interests and obligations to fulfill. If you take a close look at your own family’s schedules, you’ll see that there’s actually very little overlap of time when you can “guarantee” that every member is available. In fact, you might be surprised at how getting your family together is just as difficult as pulling together a meeting at work.
Consider, for a moment, what reserving an hour or two weekly for your family to spend time together would be like. You could play a game, go on an adventure, pray, anything really. Regular, scheduled family time does two things. First, it’s a real memory builder! If done consistently, your children will remember this time their entire lives. Even better, when they have families of their own, they might seek to incorporate it into their own family’s life. Second, it emphasizes to all members of your family that it’s important to spend time together regularly. This is a win-win.
Family time is important, and none of us would disagree with that statement. What’s challenging is moving beyond the theoretical, “my family needs to spend time together” to the reality of “my family spends time together every week."
Scheduling and implementing a weekly dedicated family time is hard to do and requires a lot of advanced planning. Some members of your family will be asked to sacrifice part or all of an activity for the sake of the family. That sacrifice goes to the heart of the matter: this time together is so richly important that we need to be ready to quit something so that we can make it happen.
Once you’ve sat down with your wife, reviewed the schedules, and selected a weekly “safe” time, it’ll be time for you to announce the new activity to your family. There may be some grumbling or open revolt in the ranks of your kids. You’re declaring a weekly hour to be sacred, immovable, and mandatory, which means they’re going to have to flex. There should be few (if any) exceptions made. So, if your weekly family time is Saturday at 2pm and your son wants to sign up for a play that has practice during that time, he’s not going to be able to be in that particular production.
Believe it or not, there’s a benefit to your kids when they have to pass on an activity because of Weekly Family Time. You’re helping them learn the important life lesson of time prioritization. There have been many times in my life when I’ve been unable to do something that I wanted to because a more important activity was going on at a particular time. By having this experience as a kid, your children will be better time managers in their adulthood.
Putting all of this into practice is going to be a real challenge for you and your wife to implement. Yet, you both recognize how important it is for your family to be together. So pick the best, safest time, work with your kids, and then plan to have amazing weekly family time.
Christmas Reflection
Merry Christmas!
The days of preparation of Advent are over and we’re now finally celebrating the birth of Christ. I had a particularly fulfilling Advent this year and I hope that your preparations helped you reach today with a greater sense of peace and joy.
It’s becoming a tradition that I post some form of reflection on the Holy Family on Christmas Day, and I’d like to continue that today. This is, of course, my 2nd Christmas with Benedict and the reality of being a young father has helped me to see the events of Christmas in a new light.
I particularly want to focus on St. Joseph. I continue to be impressed with his strength of character and commitment to mission. While we focus mainly on Mary’s “yes,” it can be easy to overlook St. Joseph’s constancy and protection.
The Holy Family’s journey to Bethlehem, and then on to Egypt, was treacherous. They were fleeing from a hostile and powerful government, they navigated difficult terrain, and they avoided all sorts of thieves on their route. On top of all of this, they cared for a newborn baby. What a trip that must have been!
Joseph was truly a holy man, he’d have to be to accept his mission. Not only was he to take Mary as his wife despite a pregnancy that he may not have fully comprehended, he was then asked to take his family into Egypt and support them there. Being that open to accepting the Will of God required an immense depth of Spirit, and it’s something that we should all strive for.
I’m most impressed with Joseph’s courage. He was courageous in accepting Jesus as his adopted son, he was courageous in standing up to the societal pressures to divorce and perhaps even to publicly shame Mary, he was courageous in undertaking the journey to Bethlehem with his pregnant wife, and he was courageous in taking his family to Egypt and finding work to support them there.
What does all of this tell us? How can we apply the example of Joseph in our own lives?
First, we should make ourselves open to grace. Joseph was given a tremendous amount of grace to carry out his mission, but he was only ready to accept it because he was disposed to it. A solid relationship with God is foundational in grace on this scale, and yet, many of us are called to similar missions. We’re guardians and protectors of our family, and, if we do it well, we can easily become a target of the Devil. So it’s good and necessary that we allow ourselves to be as open to God as we can be.
Second, we should place our will second to God’s. This is a true challenge. Joseph’s life plan probably didn’t involve being foster father of the Savior of the World. It was probably more along the lines of running his own carpentry shop. Yet, had Joseph sought to only live out his life plan, no one would know him and God would have had to find someone else to shepherd the young Jesus.
Last, we should do everything in the service of our family. It’s clear that Joseph was a devoted family man who was intimately involved in the life of the family until his death. He wasn’t satisfied with simply providing for the material needs of his family. He was only concerned with their happiness and fulfillment.
St. Joseph is a powerful and silent role model for us as men. May we do a better job filling his shoes in 2015 than we did in 2014.
Thank you so much for being a part of this Catholic Husband community! I wish you and your family a happy, blessed, and fulfilling Christmas and I look forward to continuing to serve you in the future!
Merry Christmas!
Eat for Success
As a husband, your health takes on a new importance. As a single man, it didn’t matter much whether you were at the top of your game or slacking off. As a married man, you have people depending on you. Your health is tied to the length of days that you get to spend with your family. While exercise is a big part of your overall health picture, one thing that can’t be neglected is your diet.
We have a pretty unhealthy view of the word “diet.” It either means pain, hunger, or desperation, depending on whom you ask. The fact is, we’re all on a diet. Your diet is the total of all that you eat. It can be a very healthy diet or a very unhealthy one. It could be high in this, low in that, or perfectly balanced.
The fact remains, no matter how much exercise you do, if you don’t control your intake, you’ll never reach your goals.
The best way to get started with a healthier diet is by menu planning. Having a plan for the week, and a list when you go grocery shopping, can significantly help you get back and stay on track. When you have a list, you’re not at the mercy of sudden whims. Grocery shopping becomes a destination, instead of a journey.
Another really successful tactic is to use a food diary. It can be a pain, but research shows that those who use a food diary meet their goals more quickly and more consistently. There are even plenty of apps out there, if that’s your thing. I personally use MyFitnessPal. Their database is huge, so the actual keeping of the diary isn’t too big of an inconvenience.
Finally, if you really need to get moving on your goals, the absolute best thing you can do is to get a friend (or your spouse!) involved. Just like having a gym buddy can keep you on track, the accountability of a friend can be the difference between success and defeat.
If you keep eating junk, you’ll end up with no energy. So hit the Internet, grab some fresh new recipes, and reach your health goals!
Time Management for Kids
Kids today are operating under very tight time constraints. While the number of potential activities continues to rise, what’s also driving this boom in kid’s after-school activities is college applications. We’re told that colleges are looking for well-rounded applicants. That means that between homework, after-school activities, friends and family time, kids today are facing a real time crunch.
As a parent, you’ve been there. You know the pain, misery, and exhaustion that comes with being overwhelmed. You’ve been in situations where you had too much going on and things got missed. You know the regret that comes with putting your work in front of your family. You’ve been in the land of task overload. This means that, as a parent, it’s your job to help your kids learn to make the difficult decisions that come with prioritizing time.
Just like work, kid’s activities will expand to the amount of time you give them. Also like work, there will always be more things to do. There’s always a sport in season, always another theater production to try out for, always another club that would look great on a college application.
The struggle is not choosing between the good and the bad. It’s the struggle of choosing what’s the most good. It’s the struggle of being exposed to new horizons while maintaining a healthy balance in life. This is where parents really need to parent. If kids don’t learn to prioritize their time in high school, college will be a mess and their life could end up a disaster.
When you sit down with your teen to discuss time priorities, it’s important that they know that you’ve been in this situation before. It’s also important that you emphasize that all of the things that they are doing are good, and it’s only when the good is too much that it becomes bad.
Work with your teen to develop a formula for how they spend their time. Priority 1 is school work, priority 2 is family and priority 3 is all other activities. Using this framework, or another that you both come up with, rework their schedule. Dive into how much time they need for each activity and how much they’re actually spending. Then, edit their schedule.
Your kids need your help when it comes to prioritizing their time. This critical life skill is really only learned when you’re in the moment, so take the time to help guide them to success.
Take Vacation
I want to begin this post by noting that I’m on vacation all this week. There will, of course, be new posts and some social media updates, but I won’t be writing and I won’t be actively working on any projects. It’s been a busy, and very successful 2014 thanks to both you and Alison. We’ve made huge progress on the Catholic Husband blog, published two books, and launched a podcast.
I’m taking this vacation for one simple reason: we need rest.
I’ve always been confused by people who don’t take all of their paid vacation. In fact, I’ve had people brag to me about how they haven’t taken vacations in extended periods of time. That’s not only very sad, it’s extremely unhealthy. Not only do you need rest, your family needs rest!
Paid vacation is a part of your compensation package at work, meaning that instead of paying you more to do your job, they’re giving you the chance to not work for a few days a year and still get paid as if you had. Your company needs you to use those days because you’ll be a better employee. Burnout and loss of productivity are extremely expensive to companies and you’re far too valuable to not be able to give your full effort.
Heck, even God took a vacation from creating the universe.
Vacation, even a vacation at home, is freeing and fun. You can do whatever you want, you can spend time with your family, you can even take a day trip. This space gives your mind time to relax and recharge. Vacation days help to restore your creative energies. Use your vacation to try something new or to work on a hobby.
I haven’t intentionally taken a week off since this summer, and I was only off then because of the move. I need to be more intentional about taking vacations, even if that just means that instead of writing while Benedict is napping, I might nap myself, read, or play a game.
When I planned out my 2015 calendar, I gave myself 3 weeks off. Yet, even though I won’t do any work during those 21 days, I know that I’ll deliver better content, products, and ideas on days when I am working because I gave my mind time to recharge.
Clean House, Happy Wife
I love a clean house and a fresh start in the morning. I get up and work for about two hours until Benedict stirs and demands breakfast. Lately, I’ve been refining my evening routine to allow for more time to pick-up the house before bed.
I’ve noticed some significant changes since making this tweek to my evening routine. Each evening, I do a full cleaning of the kitchen and run the dishwasher, I pickup Benedict’s toys in the family room, prep the coffee machine for the morning along with our water bottles, clear the dining room table, and setup my desk to be ready for whatever work I’m starting with in the morning. In addition to setting up my physical workspace, I close all applications on my computer and open only the window I’ll need first thing in the morning.
I’ve found that it’s much easier to get out of bed in the morning and I’m able to more quickly shift from sleeping to working. The clean spaces and prepped workspaces have really allowed me to get up and running instead of spending time preparing. It would take me between 15-30 minutes before from wake-up to starting work and I can now do it in under 10 minutes. I’m also more productive and have a clearer head space. I’m not worried about what I have to do before I get to work and there aren’t any physical barriers slowing me.
I’ve found something else. Alison really loves it.
She loves the order and cleanliness that it brings to our home. Messes are no longer huge, unmanageable projects that have to be deferred to the weekend. Dishes are always clean and ready. Since the dishwasher is empty in the morning, breakfast dishes land in the dishwasher, not in the sink. It also means that she doesn’t have to worry about tripping over anything.
I start the evening cleaning around 8:15pm. The kitchen is already clean after dinner, so I begin with unloading the dishwasher. I then work from the front of the house to the back, and then upstairs in order. I’ve also found that this is a great way to close out the day. When everything is clean, I’m ready for bed because I don’t want to get the house messy again. There’s also nothing else for me to do. It’s a really awesome way to stay in control of my cleaning.
Clutter creeps and sinks fill up fast. With daily maintenance, I’m able to better manage our home and keep it clean for us. It took me two years to figure out, but a small investment of 15 minutes in the evening can result in huge wins in the morning.
Live A Saintly Life
When it comes to fitness, it’s easy to tell when you’re out of bounds. That fateful day when you hop up on the scale and the number shocks you is the clear sign that you need to make a change. You get on the internet and find outstanding resources and training plans. You get on the App Store and download fitness apps and trackers to help you stay on target. You make a clear decision and then execute. Why don’t we treat our spiritual life the same way?
Sainthood is an open membership club. Anyone can be a saint, no matter their state and position in life. Membership is gained through a conscious decision to accept grace and to live in humble obedience to God’s Will and Law.
Truthfully, we all know that the only way to true happiness is holiness. While some other pleasures give us temporary comfort, nothing will leave us as fully happy and satisfied as living a holy life. We know that sin leaves us empty. We know that being impatient with our wives leaves us feeling uneasy later. We know that gossip only leads to guilt. In fact, with gossip, the feeling of guilt overcomes us almost immediately.
So if we want to be truly happy, if we want to live truly free, if we want to know what life’s like living rightly, why don’t we attack the goal with the same tenacity that we attack our fitness goals? Why don’t we cut out hours of TV a day (sin), hit the gym every day (prayer), and start making better decisions about what we eat (control over thoughts)?
The fact is, we can. It won’t be 100% perfect, but it is possible. We know that temptation will come. We know that temptation will be tough. We’ve all been tempted back to laziness when on a health kick. We’ve all had to face cold weather or a rainy day and had to decide if we were going to get out there and get it done or sit the day out. The same is true with the spiritual battle. Temptation is tough, but it can be overcome. Each time you beat temptation, you get that much stronger.
Is today the day that you decide to focus on becoming a saint with intentionality and dedication? Is today the day you start backing up that goal with prayer and action?
If it is, I applaud you. Just remember, you’ve opened yourself up in the past to certain sin, and those temptations will be the hardest to overcome. Be alert, be vigilant, and be ready to beat it down.
Choosing to become a saint is an act of the Will. Decide to be a saint today, and manage that decision each day until you hit your goal.