The Importance of Stable Sleep
The best indicator of how well your day is going to go is how well you slept last night. Sleep is the biggest contributor to your overall health, your happiness, your energy to make it through the day, and your emotional health. For such a big deal, we don’t spend enough time working to improve our sleep.
I’ve written on sleep a number of times, including on sleep hygiene and bedtime routines. I know that good sleep is important in my life because it’s the best way for me to manage my chronic migraines. Deviating from my sleep schedule, taking too many naps, or getting poor quality sleep is a recipe for a migraine that will knock me out for days.
The single biggest challenge facing anyone who’s attempting to improve their quality of sleep is bringing stability into the equation. The best thing that you can do for your body is to go to sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time, every day. This will not only help your body adjust it’s processes to produce enough melatonin at the right time in the evening so that you’ll fall asleep fast, but it will help wake you up at the right time in the morning without the need for an alarm clock.
Getting into this habit of stable sleep is a challenge for two reasons. First, we love to sleep in on the weekends. Second, our schedule precludes us from having a convenient schedule.
Let’s look at the weekends. We know that going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time is an important factor in good sleep, but we’ve come to see the weekends as cheat days. There usually isn’t anything prompting you to get out of bed as early as you’d need to in order to get ready for work. In fact, during the week you may have “lost” some sleep and are trying to make some of it up. The problem is that when you disrupt your sleep pattern, it’s hard to get back into it. This just ends up making Monday morning absolutely dreadful.
Instead of pushing back your wake-up time on Saturday and Sunday, look at that time as bonus “you time.” If you’re getting up at 5 and your family doesn’t start stirring until 8, that’s three hours for you to do whatever you want. You could read the paper, watch a movie, get ahead on chores, or play a game. You can literally do anything you want without the guilt of stealing time from your family.
The other big challenge is when life keeps you from having an ideal schedule. In a perfect world, your day would have nice boundaries that would allow you to go to bed around 10 or 11 and wake up between 6 or 7. In reality, your job demands might have you starting at various times and your evenings are full of shuttling kids around, meetings, activities, projects, and even shows that you want to watch. If you’re in some career fields, you might even work in the evenings.
My best advice is to look at the past couple of months and find times that have consistently been safe. For Alison and I, we’ve found that 9pm to 5am is generally “safe.” A 5am wakeup for her will get her anywhere she needs to be on time. A 9pm bedtime is guaranteed, except for when she has night call. Is going to bed at 9pm convenient? No. I’d rather stay up a bit later, especially when Benedict goes to bed around 7:30pm. However, I want stability in my sleep, and I want to go to sleep with her, so that’s what we’ve done.
Stable sleep can be challenging to achieve and it certainly requires no small effort. However, achieving and continuing to achieve stable sleep pays off day after day.
Make this Lent Matter
It’s hard to believe, but in a little over three weeks, we’ll begin our annual journey called Lent. While Easter is the biggest liturgical holiday/party of the year, the season of Lent leading up to it is, well, less fun.
It was only a few years ago that I abhorred Lent. I didn’t like the color purple, I was less than inspired with the Sunday readings, and the whole season was just a pain to get through. This view of Lent was partially rooted in the cultural reduction of the season. It’s become a sort of Catholic New Year filled with “resolutions” that we all but abandon a few days into the season.
Lent is spring cleaning for your soul, but too many of us view it as a time of pointless suffering. We give up sweets or TV or something else that’s trivial and then we whine about it for the six weeks until Easter. That’s because we too often chose to give something up with ulterior motives.
We give up sweets so we can lose weight. We give up TV and instead we fritter all of that time away on the Internet. Lent is about sacrifice, it’s about fasting to gain greater self-control, but more importantly, its changes should be lasting.
What good is giving up sweets if on Easter you tear through the candy aisle like a castaway returning to civilization? What good is giving up TV if on Easter Monday you’re back to watching 8 hours a day?
This Lent, I challenge you to do something lasting. Make this Lent mean something! We all have vices that need attention, or relationships that need healing. Fast from something, yes, but make that a small part of your Lenten journey, not the whole enchilada.
Maybe this is the Lent that you get serious about your prayer life. Six weeks of carving out daily prayer time will more than prepare you for the post-Lenten challenge of continuing your good works.
Maybe this is the Lent that you get serious about going to Mass as a family. Maybe this is the Lent that you get serious about growing in relationship with Mary or with a particular saint. Maybe this is the Lent that you finally punch your biggest habitual sin in the face.
Lent can be so much more than something to get through. A solid preparation throughout the Lenten season can lead to a more joyful Easter celebration. As with goals for the new year, the key to a successful Lent is early preparation.
Take some time to consider your spiritual health, identify areas for improvement, and commit to using this Lent to help you reach those goals. If you’re looking for something to help you with your spiritual refresh, “Grant Us Peace” will make an excellent companion to your Lenten journey.
Love Letters from the Past
Recently, I went through all of my Facebook messages and deleted old conversations. I’ve never been big into using Facebook messages for communicating, but for some odd reason, Facebook preserved just about every message I’ve sent using the service for the past 8 years. It took me about 2 hours to get rid of all of them, but I did it.
Something very uncomfortable happened while I was deleting those messages-I was extremely embarrassed. The things I wrote, said, and did were, well, juvenile. Certainly they were somewhat appropriate for my age at the time, but older, married, father Chet blushed a little bit.
We all feel that way. We were all dumb when we were younger. I have no doubt that 10 years from now, as I read the early blog posts from Catholic Husband, the experienced writer in me will blush at the messy constructs, poor grammar, and reliance on the same old conventions in post after post.
I recently came across another set of writings, scribbled on random pieces of paper, many years ago. While the author is embarrassed about them, I actually treasure them.
In a small wicker box next to my bed is a collection of love letters that Alison wrote to me many years ago. While I’ve only started to delve into this trove of insights into the woman who would become my wife, I can’t help but be flattered, and, well, chuckle a bit.
Each letter focuses around the set of emotions and thoughts that she was exploring at any given time. There is talk of her crushes, struggle with friends, and even the occasional talk of becoming a nun.
What I find particularly comforting is her writing about praying for me. We grew up hundreds (and at times, thousands) of miles apart. Yet, many times when she wrote about praying for me, I know based on the date, that I really needed it.
She also has a pretty good sense of self-awareness and wrote up an excellent profile of me, 3 years before we met.
How can this make us better husbands, today? No doubt you already know your wife, so it’s a bit late to be writing down some notes filled with teen angst and impatience waiting for her.
I think that this brings me back to my commitment to love letters. They’re fairly infrequent these days because I want the element of surprise to be a part of it, only making their way into Alison’s hands a few times a year. Nonetheless, they’re still deeply important. As a man, I really like getting love letters, even ones from the past. As a woman, I know that Alison loves getting them ten times more than I do.
Love letters from the past are an amazing thing. For me, they’re just small reminders of just how much Alison really loves me.
Why We March
Today marks both a sobering anniversary and a special anniversary. Today is the anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision that ushered in a new era of misnomers in healthcare and encouraged a culture that viewed children as the ultimate burden, as opposed to the ultimate blessing.
Today’s anniversary is also quite special. Every year, since 1973, Americans from all faiths, socio-economic backgrounds, educational backgrounds, and political beliefs, have descended upon our Nation’s Capital. Joining arms, carrying banners, and walking past the chambers of government, Americans have voiced both their support for the rights of Americans in the womb and raised awareness about the devastation that abortion brings to the life of the mother, father, and child.
The March for Life isn’t about shaming people who’ve had abortions or advocating for a radical religious agenda. The March for Life is a beautiful, peaceful expression of the belief held by so many in our country that not only is every life precious, but that the so-called right to have an abortion is no right at all.
Each year, we’re reminded of the grizzly underworld of abortion as clinics and providers across the country undergo shocking and sickening inspections, investigations and legal proceedings. Abortion clinics are being closed in every state because, although they perform outpatient ambulatory surgery, they fail to meet even the basic requirements of health regulations pertaining to facilities that perform the types of procedures that they do. Equipment is not sterile, doors are not wide enough for gurneys in the event that an emergency transfer to a hospital is required, and patients are not given informed consent. Even worse, the physicians performing the abortions lack basic hospital admitting privileges to care for patients in the event that the procedure goes wrong.
Today, Alison, Benedict, and I will be traveling to Washington DC to join students, clergy, medical professionals, elected officials, and families to call for an end to this insanity. Millions of Americans have been aborted since 1973, with a disproportionately high number in impoverished and minority communities. No doubt we have suffered as humanity at the loss of what would have been some of the most brilliant minds of our time.
Even more foundational than this pragmatic approach to opposition to abortion is something so simple, yet often completely overlooked. Men and women deserve to know the joy it is to be a parent. They deserve to sit in the labor and delivery recovery room and hold a new life, just minutes after birth. They deserve the right to take adorable infant pictures and brag about them on Facebook. They deserve to have endless Pinterest boards planning out birthday parties, daytime activities, and weddings. Parents deserve to hear their child reach for them and speak those sweet words, “Ma ma,” “Da da.” And every child deserves the chance to speak them.
It’s an unbearable tragedy that $300 is all it takes in America to end one life and change two more forever.
That’s why we march.
Showing Tenderness
I love Benedict. I love the way he laughs uncontrollably as I hold his arms above his head and tickle his tummy with my nose. I love the way he gets excited when I snuggle up close to him and kiss all over his face. I love how much he enjoys being close to me and sitting in my lap. I love how he’ll sit still anywhere if I’m rubbing his back or scratching his head. I love how when he’s about to cry or is actively crying, he holds his arms up, hoping that I’ll pick him up.
I know that the day will come where kisses from me won’t be as welcome. I know that the day will come when our physical contact will change. It’ll be a sad day, but thankfully, that day is far off.
I’ve never understood men who believe that showing tenderness is weakness. I don’t think it’s manly to be cold and distant towards those that you love. This “manly stoicism” doesn’t communicate deep affection, it communicates a great divide between the emotional needs of a family and the father’s ability (or willingness) to meet those needs.
The relationship between father and son should always be intimate, full of physical contact. As humans, we have an innate need to be touched. Even more, children need reassurance. They need confidence in knowing that they’re loved. They need to learn how to be a good parent and, truthfully, you’re going to be their primary source. There are so many adults who are “bad parents” because they themselves had poor role models. Parenting problems are perpetuated from generation to generation because no one knows any better.
Certainly the bond between father and son must evolve as the boy grows. It’s not a good idea to smother your son with kisses as he leaves for his first middle school dance. At the same time, I do think that the relationship that you’ve had during those formative years will set the tone for where your son puts up his boundaries. If you’ve been cold and distant for 12 years and are now trying to go full throttle in showing tenderness, there’s going to be really big problems. Rather, if you have a solid relationship where your son feels safe, you might find him putting up fewer boundaries.
The point of all of this is that tenderness should be a hallmark of a good father. A man’s ability to relate to his family and his children in an emotional and physical way will be the greatest tool in helping to raise his kids to be the best people they can be. They’ll be better adjusted, get better grades, have higher self-confidence, and make fewer poor choices.
A father who shows tenderness will have the trust of his wife and his children. They’ll feel comfortable trusting him with their problems, hurts, and struggles. In that way, a man is able to fulfill his role as shepherd.
A son needs a strong father who’s able to show compassion, love, and tenderness. A daughter needs a strong father who can open his heart to her and understand her needs.
Tenderness can extend beyond just physical signs of affection. Tenderness can also shine through when a child is hurt or has made a mistake. Instead of growing angry, perhaps a calm and collection reaction can lead to improved outcomes. I know that when I make big mistakes, mercy and understanding can heal the embarrassment and shame that I feel.
While it’s true that as a father you often find yourself in the position of disciplinarian, you can find yourself in that role far less often if you’re able to develop intimate relationships with your kids.
Be strong, be constant, be gentle, be tender and in all of these ways, you’ll be a real man.
Hospital for Sinners
It’s no secret that I love the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I don’t love the feelings of anxiety while waiting in line, but I love what it does for me personally, physically, and psychologically.
There’s something heavy about carrying around the guilt and shame that comes with sin. I’m embarrassed when I don’t live up to the standards that I know I can meet. I’m filled with guilt when I knowingly choose to do the wrong thing. I feel trapped under the secrecy that sin insists upon.
I think in some way, we all know that trapped feeling. We have a vision of ourselves, the self that we hope the world sees, and it’s a tremendous burden to continue to project that vision while knowing full well how far short we fall.
Confession just might be the Church’s least popular Sacrament. We’re only required to go once per year and honestly, that’s just not enough. I can’t make it more than a month without going. In some sense, I’m a bit addicted to fresh starts.
Confession isn’t just about us admitting what we’ve done wrong. It’s a brilliant chance for us to ponder God’s greatness and be inspired to start moving in that direction. Most people will commit variations of the same sin repeatedly over the course of their lives. We have particular weaknesses in some areas and strengths in others that end up comprising our sin profile. From time to time, you’ll ask yourself how (and why) God continues to forgive you for making the same dumb mistakes.
That’s the magic moment. When you ask that question, you gain a small insight into the mind of God. He is so much greater than us that He’s able to continue to offer forgiveness and mercy, even though He knows how long your road to recovery will be. Then, you gain a second insight. He is so deeply in love with you. You’re His creation and His child, and He’s willing to do anything to save you from a life of sadness so that you can live a life of joy.
Confession isn’t about punishment and vindication. If it was, the Church would have to close the books on it because no one would survive true justice. We don’t go looking for justice, we go seeking mercy. Confession is about healing, about reconciliation. It’s about us naming our sins out loud and remembering where we are in relationship with God.
It’s through the Sacrament of Reconciliation that the Church lives Her mission as a hospital for sinners. Only She has the authority to heal sin, hurts, and division, in a mission assigned to the founders of the Church, the Apostles (Matthew 16:19).
And it’s a hospital that we need.
Motivate Yourself
2015-01-16
The New Year is always a popular time for fitness goals. Setting a fitness goal for yourself in 2015 is a brilliant idea. Your goals should encompass all areas of your life and physical health is one of the most important. Your overall health affects all other areas of your life, so making choices to improve it are a wise investment. The thing about your goals is that you need to do more than set them. You need to work on them.
My biggest disappointment this year, in terms of the success of my goals, was my failure to reach my weight goal. Certainly I had a lot of challenges to overcome, especially with the move, and I got within 7 lbs of making it, but now I’m just about back to where I was on January 1, 2014 and 14 lbs from my goal. I started this weight loss journey in January 2012 when I got on the scale and it read 197. As a part of the process I’ve learned that weight loss requires not only tremendous discipline, but also patience. It takes time and effort over time. I also recognize that it will always require work and that, even if I hit my goal, I run the risk of gaining it all back.
Weight loss is just like our overall health. We have to be always working at it in order to keep it. That means monitoring our intake and ensuring that we get outside and stretch our legs from time to time. Controlling your diet and exercise can help control many illnesses and medical conditions, so there is added benefit, in addition to feeling at your best.
You need to take care of yourself and, frankly, no one else can. The best motivation comes from within, so if you’re fired up to get in shape, then you’ll make it. If someone else is fired up for you, it’ll be an uphill climb that you never complete. That’s where our 2015 goals come in. So many people set fitness goals in the New Year, only to fizzle out by February, if they’re lucky. There is a subset of the population who do endure and make lasting changes. Their secret? They’re motivated because they know that no one else can do it for them and that having your physical health is better than eating a doughnut or watching TV.
Goals on paper are nice, and science proves that written goals are more likely to be accomplished. At the end of the day, you have to decide to put them in action.
In 2015, do things a little differently. Write down 7 goals for your life across the following areas: physical, spiritual, intellectual, career, financial, social, and family. You can opt out of one or two categories, but setting goals across these areas will help you grow as a whole, not just one part of you. Once you have your goals, write 4 action steps per goal, with due dates, to help you break it down and keep moving forward. 2015 has the potential to be your best year yet, but only if you plan for it.
Be A Thought Leader
There are two types of leaders in your company: the named leaders and the thought leaders.
The named leaders are the usual suspects. They have president, boss, or manager somewhere in their job title. They generally lead the meetings, handle productivity issues, and probably micromanage you from time to time. They have authority, but they might not have influence.
Then, there are the thought leaders. Thought leaders are an especially potent force in the cubicle farm. While named leaders appear to be in charge, thought leaders are the ones who are actually driving an organization forward. When you have a named leader who’s also a thought leader, you’re really in the sweet spot.
Ok, ok, enough. What is a thought leader? A thought leader is that employee (hopefully you!) who pours themselves completely into their work. They’re always looking for opportunities, for ways to improve systems and processes, and they volunteer their very best ideas to the group, always willing to take point and run with it. They’re the person that people come to with their ideas. Thought leaders sit in meetings and are able to steer the direction of a working group or the entire company because everyone knows that not only are they going to make constructive suggestions, they’re going to follow through with them.
There might be someone on your team who has the appearance of a thought leader, but really isn’t. They’re constantly throwing ideas out to see what sticks, but are utterly unwilling to do any of the work. They’re suggesting edits and changes to everyone else except themselves. They’re pompous, arrogant, and trying to appear like a busy-body. Don’t be that guy.
Thought leaders have hundreds, even thousands of ideas each week, but they don’t just blurt them out. They carefully refine, scrutinize, and test each one, only sharing the very best with the group. In that way, when they speak, people listen.
Thought leaders aren’t overly concerned with giving away their best ideas free of charge. They don’t use them as bargaining chips for a better cubicle, a promotion, or more vacation time. They give them away because they know that a more efficient and productive team will make everyone’s life better. Goals will be hit, deadlines will be met, and named leaders will be happier, thereby making everyone happier. They know that improvements in a workplace start from the ground up.
I want you to become a thought leader in your company this year. No matter what level you find yourself at, be an asset! Be invaluable to your company. Look for better ways to do business. Pursue your best ideas with tenacity and become a standout. Never mail in your performance, just be the absolute best person and employee you can.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what title is on your business card or if you have a business card at all. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you gave an honest day’s work for an honest paycheck. And that’s something to be excited about.
Beat the Devil Out of You
No one likes being a failure.
We all have that one sin that we’re dying to beat. I bet yours came right to mind. I know mine did. I’m not talking about that little bad habit, I’m talking about your biggest character flaw.
We don’t like admitting we’re wrong. We don’t like admitting that we have a problem. We project an image to the world that all’s well in our life and that we’ve got it made. And just like that, the problem deepens. We deny, deny, deny and all it does is take greater root in your life.
There have been times in the past when you tried to beat it. You’d get the upper hand for a week, a month, maybe 2 months, but then you’re right back in the cycle. This is the perpetual struggle in the spiritual life. We’re always moving towards perfection, but our own habits are the very thing that can sink us. Even the Gospel acknowledges this fact (Mark 7:15). Sin starts in our mind. Not with temptation, but by giving into temptation. It’s a mental game.
Discouragement is perhaps our greatest enemy in this struggle. We look at our life and despair about how much better of a person we’d be if we hadn’t let this sin take root. We get discouraged about all the times that we tried and failed. We get to the point where we tell ourselves that there’s no use in trying to amend, because it’s just going to happen again.
And that’s where we’re wrong. We simply have to be more aggressive, intense, and mad. We literally have to beat the devil out of ourselves.
You might find yourself again at that decision point. The new year is offering you a chance for a reboot and you just might take it up on the offer. But, what will it take? What do you have to do differently this time in order to be more successful?
First, be more comprehensive. This requires a multi-prong attack. Beef up the prayer life, choke the supply chain of temptation, and increase your knowledge and understand of those who are harmed by your sin.
Second, imagine your life without this sin. It’s going to be awesome, but in what way? How will you be a better person and more accurately reflect the perception you show to the world?
Last, you can’t win this alone. Find a source of constant inspiration, someone to help, or some group of people struggling with you.
You can beat this.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Once this sin is gone, there will just be another one to take its place. That’s true, but it’s going to be even weaker than the sin you just beat. You took down Goliath, now you’re just fighting his lackeys. If you can take down the biggest guy in the bar, surely you can take down his blockhead friends.
You’ll spend your whole life striving for perfection, systematically weeding out sin in your life. Why not start today?
Kids are Raised by the Community
Mass has become a bit of a struggle. For whatever reason, I didn’t anticipate that Benedict would reach an age where he can’t be entertained enough to be able to stay in Church for an entire Mass. For weeks now, Alison and I have had to take turns taking him to the back of Church and play with him there.
I now have a much greater appreciation for parents of large families… and the role that older siblings play in helping parents raise younger siblings.
Our culture is fairly “anti-family.” Young people and young married couples are often taking steps to prevent starting a family or are delaying starting a family to focus on their careers.
Children are seen as an impediment, an inconvenience, and even an obstacle to goals and even happiness. Paradoxically, even though our society collectively avoids bringing new children into the world, we can’t get enough of babies.
Benedict is extremely social. If there are people around, he just won’t sleep. He wants to giggle, laugh, play, wave and talk to almost everyone he sees. His engaged personality usually ends up with people trying to interact with him at some level.
As a parent, I find this type of engagement from the community quite welcome. I’m entertaining, but even I don’t have the energy or stamina, or even the array of good ideas to keep Benedict fully engaged and entertained for all of his waking hours. So when he gets a little antsy in the shopping cart, there’s usually someone around who tries to get him to wave. A moment’s relief for me so I don’t grab the damaged box of whatever.
I’m sure things will change when he gets older. People seem to like the newness of babies but are less enthused with kids as they enter school age. But for now, I’ll just enjoy it.
All of this has really reinforced in my mind the fact that children are not simply raised by their parents. They are, in fact, raised by the community around them. Parents have a vast support network that, while maybe not very deep, lends a hand from time to time. It may be as simple as stranger at Mass distracting the baby, or as profound as IKEA’s Family Parking featuring extra wide spaces, close to the door location, and sometimes even a family section set off from the main parking lot, reducing traffic flow and keeping wandering little ones a bit safer.
Even though many proclaim to not want to bring kids into this “messed up
world,” I believe that’s nothing more than a front. Deep down, we can’t deny that our love for children is an innate part of who we are. We understand in our nature the paradox that while children bring a degree of stress and disorder to our world, they also bring a source of true joy and happiness that we can’t find anywhere else.
So the next time that you’re at Mass and see young parents struggling to keep their child entertained, do them a favor and make a face at the kid.