Falling Forward in Lent
With Lent just around the corner, another opportunity for us to refocus our energies and prayer life on God is about to arrive. Lent provides an excellent opportunity for us to do some spring cleaning in our soul.
There’s a danger to Lent, however. Naturally, anything that lasts more than a few days challenges our abilities to focus on a goal or a project. Focus, however, is not the enemy during Lent. The real enemy is discouragement.
A few days before Ash Wednesday, or perhaps even on Ash Wednesday, we decide how we’ll observe this Lent. It might be by abstaining from something, adding something to our lives, or even a commitment to participate in additional liturgies, Stations, or the Easter Triduum. As of today we have 6 days to go until Lent starts, and we know that the further in advance that you set your goals, the higher probability that you’ll have success.
Regardless of how diligent you are, there will be times of failure this Lent for you. You won’t bat .1000 and you won’t fully keep your pledges. For most of us, the first failure will happen within a week of Ash Wednesday. What will define your Lent, what will define your preparations for the Easter celebration, will be how you respond to that failure.
Approaching any situation with a dose of reality makes a big difference and can help put you in a position to make better choices. Recognizing the fact that you won’t keep your Lent promises perfectly will help you to better cope with reality when it sets in.
I’d encourage you to not take a legalistic approach to the Lenten season. Instead, I’d encourage you give something up, out of love. I’d encourage you to take something on, out of love. I’d encourage you to participate in more liturgies, out of love.
When we do something out of love rather than out of obligation, our mindset changes. We’re better able to move past failure because we so fervently want to continue to express our love. I love Alison, so when I fail to take good care of her, I don’t just throw up my hands and never try again. No, I feel a tinge of remorse and try even harder to serve her better moving forward. The same should be true for us in Lent.
Spend this Lent contemplating the crucifixion and your role in it. Our sins today transcend time and caused, in some part, the necessity of the crucifixion. Ponder also the great love that God has for you, that He’d go through all of that so that we might have a chance at living with Him forever. Consider also the comfort that you can give to the crucified Christ through your good works and signs of love, fidelity, and affection.
One other exercise that I’ve found particularly edifying in recent years is to read a book during Lent that relates to the events of Easter. Killing Jesus by Bill O’Reilly and Martin Dugard or Jesus of Nazareth: Holy Week by Pope Benedict XVI are two excellent choices. Really get lost in the historical events of Holy Week. Put yourself in the shoes of an observer and experience the reality of what happened and how it happened. You’ll walk away with a much deeper appreciation of the significance of the Paschal Mystery, as well as the graphic nature of the events that surround it.
I wrote a few days ago that you should make this Lent matter. Recognize Lent for what it truly is, a chance to start fresh; a chance to clean out the cobwebs and get back to basics.
The Secret of Service
When you reach a certain level in a company, one of the perks that you may be given is an administrative assistant. The job of your admin is to take things off your plate that, while they may be important, don’t necessarily need to be done by you. If you’re running a division of a company, do you really need to be spending your time playing phone tag with a client?
Admin assistants are extremely valuable because they can do routine tasks so you don’t have to. Hopefully admins have a high level of job satisfaction because they know that while they’re doing your lower-level to dos, they’ve freed your time up to do really impactful things that will help a lot of people.
Depending on your company, an admin might have a wide range of flexibility in terms of the tasks that they’re allowed to complete on company time. For example, it may be permissible for them to run out and buy something that you need or pick up your dry cleaning. Again, their whole job is to take pressure off your schedule so that you can do work that really matters.
Many of us dream of having an admin. So many things come up during the day at work that we wish we could have someone else complete. We’d love to not have to call that company that we know has a disastrous phone tree, we’d love to not have to pick up our dry cleaning and we’d love to have things in place right when we need them.
There’s good news. While you may not have an administrative assistant at work, you can be one at home. One of the best ways that we can spend our time is in service to our wives. A perfect way to do that, and one that you might be doing already, is by being her administrative assistant.
There are a great many things that need to get done in your household: car maintenance, bill paying, customer service calls, taxes, cleaning, and more. These are each opportunities to take that task (and sometimes frustration!) off of your wife’s plate so she can be freed up to do other more important things. For example, while you’re getting the oil changed, she could be taking care of the kids. While you’re on hold with the cable company, she could be enjoying getting lost in a book.
We all love the idea of what an administrative assistant does, so why not give that gift to your wife? You could go further with this concept and inject a few things into your evening routine to make her life better. You could tidy up the house or lay out her PJs. In the morning, you could have coffee ready for her as she wakes up or make her lunch before she has the chance.
The most fun that you’ll have as a husband is serving your wife. Take on the mindset of an administrative assistant and figure out ways that you can blow her mind with service.
Do Valentine’s Day Right
—PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT—
WARNING! Valentine’s Day is in 4 days. WARNING!
As a man, you might be tempted to think that Valentine’s Day is all too commercial and certainly beneath you and your wife’s relationship. That would make you wrong.
While everyday should be Valentine’s Day in your marriage, or at least more than just once a year, I can tell you that your wife will be expecting something this Saturday. That doesn’t make her shallow or materialistic, that makes her a woman.
There’s nothing wrong with celebrating Valentine’s Day. Your wife certainly doesn’t want to be inundated on Facebook with pictures of love tokens that her friends received when she’s sitting at home with a big fat nothing because you were an oaf.
Not to worry, if you’ve just realized that you’ve got nothing, I’m here to help. Here are a few ideas that require no money but lots of sweat equity.
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Write her a love letter. I think I’ve beaten this dead horse enough, but seriously, just sit down and do it.
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Clean the house. If your wife takes point on the domestic affairs of your household, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity for you to turn the tables. Give the house a good cleaning from top to bottom. If you’re like me and are responsible for the cleaning of the house, just do it anyway. There’s something wonderfully refreshing about a clean house.
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Make dinner. This one requires advance planning. Don’t just make the mac and cheese that was on the menu. Do it up big! Don’t waste your time going out to eat with everyone and their brother. You know what your wife really likes! Plan the meal, buy the food, and make it fresh. Now THAT’S a Valentine’s Day!
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Draw her a bath. We men like to take as little time as possible when it comes to bathing, which is why showers are perfect for us. Most days, your wife doesn’t have time to devote to the luxury of a bath and some downtime. So, wrangle the kids, draw her a nice bath, give her a snack to nibble on and leave her alone!
Valentine’s Day is all about giving, not about taking or receiving. So pour yourself completely into pampering her for just one day on February 14th, and then repeat daily.
Honor the Dead
Today is the 12th anniversary of my maternal Grandfather’s death. It’s a special day for me because I had the privilege of being with him when he died. Growing up, I didn’t have much time to spend with my paternal grandparents, both having died by the time that I was in 2nd grade. I was fortunate to have most of my childhood with my maternal grandparents. My mom’s dad died when I was in 8th grade and my mom’s mother died when I was in college, but developed dementia starting shortly after my grandfather had died. I really looked up to, and still do, my mom’s parents. I treasure the memories that we made together. In fact, many of the crafts that I made with my grandparents can be found in Benedict’s room.
I’m very grateful to have had a positive experience with my grandfather’s death. He became sick very quickly and was hospitalized on life support for a few days. While life support generally indicates that a person’s life is close to the end, it does lend the benefit of allowing family to better anticipate when someone will die. So, when the decision was made to withdraw life support, all of our family had time to fly in and say our final goodbyes. A priest from the local parish came that evening and administered the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick and we all prayed together. Afterwards, my parents let me stay at the hospital with 3 other family members and we prayed with him through the night, though he was heavily sedated. I was honored to be with him in his last moments in a very beautiful testament to life.
All of my maternal ancestors are buried in the same cemetery plot in our ancestral hometown. I think it’s kind of fun to walk amongst the graves and learn about each person. In fact, I have a plot there myself. Each Spring, a contingent of my family goes to the cemetery to plant flowers on our family’s graves. Although the local parish handles all of the lawn maintenance, planting flowers is a nice tradition that honors the memory of our family who has gone before us. This past year was particularly special because we were all in town for my great aunt’s birthday. As a part of the festivities, all of my mom’s siblings went to the cemetery to carry on the tradition.
We’re constantly confronted with the reality of death. While the absence of a loved one is indeed very difficult to cope with, it speaks volumes of the strength of our human relationships. We’re so connected to one another that the absence of someone in our lives is deeply impactful. It’s difficult to cope with the loss of a loved one. No longer having their presence is felt for a very long time, sometimes even every day for the rest of our own lives.
It’s important to be constantly praying to and for those who have died. Since I’m not the Pope, I’m unable to declare that any of my grandparents are in Heaven. They certainly lived virtuous lives and were models of holiness for me, but I do not know the mind of God and so I’m unable to know with certainty where they are. God is outside of time, so there’s no way of knowing if someone is in Purgatory, or how long they’d be there in terms of our sense of time.
In the days and weeks after someone dies, it’s our human nature to use phrases such as, “They’re in a better place” or “They’re in Heaven now” as ways of both coping or comforting. Though difficult to say, saying things like that are dangerous. I know that when I die, the last thing I want is for people to think that they don’t have to pray for me! Prayers can shorten one’s stay in Purgatory and, if I’m there, I’d be looking for a quick exit and any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated.
The great beauty of our Church is the connectedness of souls through the Communion of Saints. It’s a beautiful thing that they are able to intercede for us, and that we’re able to intercede for them. Let’s be diligent in praying for our loved ones both here in this life and those who have passed from it.
Have Clear Motivations
There are a lot of things that I’d like to do. Almost every day, I get a new idea for some project or goal that I’d like to work on. It might be an area of my life or schedule that I want to improve, such as incorporating more reading time for Benedict. It might be a new book idea or some new app. All of these ideas are inspiring in the moment and really quite appealing. I’m often tempted to change direction or course and to charge at this new idea. After a few hours or a few days, most of the ideas subside and I’m left with the ones that really mean something to me.
Too often we set plans based on emotion. We don’t know why we’re doing something, only that we’re getting something out of it. It might be a feeling of fulfillment, a feeling of purpose, or actually seeing a positive result from our action. The problem with emotions is that they aren’t sustainable.
New Years resolutions, marriages, self-improvement plans and other things of this nature, when fueled solely by emotion, often flicker out before the end result is achieved. There’s a clear difference between emotion and passion. Emotion is fickle and can change based on little more than one’s mood. Passion comes from somewhere deep inside. Passion is the driver that doesn’t know that there’s a brake pedal. Emotion is the driver going 25 in 65. Emotion is cautious because even it knows its state is fragile.
When you embark on any major project, on any major goal, or even as you live out your vocation, there’s one distinct feature that, if you possess it, will catapult you into the world of success. You must have clear motivations.
If you don’t understand deeply why you’re doing something, you won’t have the energy to push through the difficult times. If you don’t understand deeply why you married your wife, in 5 years when things are very difficult, looking for an exit might be unduly tempting. If you don’t understand deeply why you decided to lose 20 lbs, every time you’re faced with dessert, you’ll grow weaker until you finally cave and go back to your old ways.
Determining your motivations is more easily said than done. Like the layers of an onion, you usually need to go a few layers deeper. Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that Timmy is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend of two years. Wisely, he’s taking the time to ensure that this is the right decision for both him and for his girlfriend. So, he sits down and tries to determine what his motivations for proposing will be. Here’s what he writes down.
Layer 1: I love her.
Layer 2: We get along well.
Layer 3: We have many of the same interests.
Layer 4: She encourages me to be a better person.
Layer 5: My friends and family think we make a good match.
Layer 6: She understands me better than anyone I’ve met before.
Layer 7: I feel a great sense of peace when considering that she might be my vocation.
Layer 8: I want our love to extend beyond us and into our children and their children’s children.
As you can see, Timmy worked from a very low level emotional reaction (Layer 1) all the way down to the definition of marriage (Layer 8). As he explored his motivations deeper, he came up with 8 excellent, progressively better motivations for proposing. I’d say that if his girlfriend has similar motivations, they’re going to have a very solid foundation for their marital relationship.
Writing down and saving your motivations will be helpful when times get difficult. When you no longer feel like running, or writing, or learning a new skill, you can quickly refer to that list and recapture that sense of excitement. Another great idea is to share your motivations with your wife. Not only will a 2nd set of eyes help you determine if you’re on the right track, she can be your cheerleader. Just the other day Alison paid me a very nice compliment that encouraged me to stay focused during the day with my writing.
Success and failure are ultimately up to us. If we have clear motivations and passion for what we’re doing, there’s nothing that we can’t accomplish.
Avoid Whatever Leads You to Sin
I’m usually not very forgetful, but there’s one time that I am. During Confession, after the priest says “Now say your Act of Contrition,” I typically blank. It’s not that I don’t know the words, or even that I’m nervous. It’s that I do much better praying out loud with a bunch of other people.
I generally get my act together (pun intended) after the first few lines and then I’m in the clear. One of the things I’ve been trying to do in the past few months is to really pray with empathy. I’ve prayed the Act of Contrition hundreds of times in my life, but in Confession, I try to pray it in a way that I’m having a conversation with Christ. I pray it in a way that I’d make an apology to a friend.
There’s one phrase that I get hung up on, because my follow through is very weak. “… and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.”
Oh.
We all know what things lead us to sin. I’ve written before about triggers and understanding where they come from and how they get tripped. In the Act of Contrition, and whenever we go to Confession, we promise to avoid those things, but I think it’s safe to say that we do a pretty bad job.
What does it take for us to do better? What does it take for us to actually follow through? How do we overcome the most serious things that lead us to sin, things that aren’t innately bad but cause us to sin anyway?
For example, what if you sin when you use Facebook? What if using Facebook leads you to jealousy or rage or pride? If you promise to avoid whatever leads you to sin, that means you promise to avoid Facebook. Ouch.
Of course, this is the challenge in the spiritual life. Many things that are popular among our friends can be potentially dangerous to our spiritual well being. We should be saying no to far more things than we already do. At the end of the day, it really does come down to priorities.
This is a battle not easily won, especially if you find yourself having to give up something that you’ve done for a very long time. It becomes a matter of virtue and of discipline.
A promise is a promise. We should avoid whatever leads us to sin, we say we’ll avoid whatever leads us to sin, so let’s just actually get the job done this time.
The Benefit of Catholic Schools
Last week, we celebrated Catholic Schools Week. While this post would’ve been much more appropriate had I posted it then, the editorial calendar simply wouldn’t permit it. I would still like to share some thoughts about Catholic Schools in America and the role that they had in forming me.
With the exception of when I was in 4th and 5th grade, when there were no Catholic schools around us, I attended Catholic schools from Kindergarten through College. I believe, in total, I attended 9 different Catholic schools which is an unusually broad educational experience for a student. Each school had its strengths and weaknesses, but they all worked in a common direction.
Catholic schools are not immune to the social ills and societal forces that impact students in charter or public schools. Many parents mistakenly believe that if they send their children to Catholic schools, they’ll be sheltered from drugs, sex, and violence. Sadly, these societal issues are prevalent even among the Catholic school population. Some parents also believe that sending their child to Catholic schools will result in instant sainthood. Any experience of a Catholic school Mass will quickly dismiss that belief. So what makes Catholic schools so special and what makes them unique?
Like the Church, Catholic schools exist in the world. It’s impossible to shelter children from everything that is wrong or contrary to truth. A better approach is to share opposing viewpoints with students and, through discourse and academic study, help them to understand why a certain truth is able to be known. This is where Catholic school shine.
A strong Catholic identity helps schools to form young minds. Catholic schools partner with parents, who are the primary educators of children, to advance a student’s intellectual formation in the pursuit of reason. With a basis of logic, students are able to better identify truth and reject falsehood. Further, through a full integration with the Church’s saving mission, students are exposed to different aspects of the life of the Church. They experience Mass on a regular basis, perhaps even adoration. Mandatory service hours and retreats help them to better understand social justice and take time to work on their relationship with God. This Catholic identity, if it permeates everything a school does, provides a distinct advantage over public education.
Sadly, not all Catholic schools have this strong identity. When schools fall short in sharing the faith, providing opposing viewpoints, and helping to form young people within the context of truth and reason, they not only do a disservice to students, but they are effectively stealing from their constituencies and giving scandal to the Church.
My parents didn’t send me to Catholic school to be away from the world. They sent me to grow as a person. In that regard, they found success.
End Month One
If you can believe it, we’ve already reached January 30th. Yes, just 30 short days ago we all experienced the hope, newness, and excitement of the New Year! I, along with pretty much the rest of the Internet, talked about some strategies for setting goals and making this your best year yet!
Now things are getting real. You either had an awesome January that kept you on track, or you fell off the wagon somewhere along the way. As we bring the month to a close, it begs the simple questions: How’d you do?
A year is a long time. 365 days makes it easy for us to lose focus on the six things we’re trying to do. Excuses come easily and, well, skipping just one day won’t hurt. One day becomes two, two days becomes a week, and soon the task is all but forgotten.
Our calendar doesn’t just offer us one big reset every 365 days. It offers us a monthly reset every 30 days or so. It offers us a weekly reset every Sunday. It offers us a daily reset every morning when our feet hit the floor. It offers us an hourly reset when the clock turns over. Time is always slipping away, but it’s always presenting new opportunities to start fresh.
Goal setting, self-improvement, spiritual improvement, and any general action that moves you towards a better you isn’t about 365 days of perfection. It’s about getting out there and winning today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to run tomorrow, but I can run today. So I do. I don’t know if I’ll find the time to pray the rosary tomorrow, but I have 15 minutes right now. So I do. I don’t know if I’ll want to read this book tomorrow, but I can read it right now. So I do.
Time is very fluid, don’t build artificial dams. Dust yourself off, reset your mindset, refocus, and do better next month, starting today.
Room to Breathe
We all need a little wiggle room. In the course of a week, most of your time is spoken for. Living an overly burdened schedule can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and you not giving your very best every day. You deserve, and you need, room to breathe.
Idle hands are the Devil’s tools, there’s little doubt about that. Idleness can get anyone in trouble very quickly, but room to breathe isn’t about being idle, it’s about taking the time to manage a slowdown. There are plenty of things that you could do during your downtime, but I’d be willing to bet that you know what your favorites are.
On Saturday afternoon, after a full week of tending to Benedict, writing, and a top-to-bottom house cleaning, I’m ready for a break. In all of the busyness, I don’t have time for one of my favorite downtime activities, computer games. I’m not a big gamer and I don’t really care about the outcome. It’s a little escape that lets me do something different. I have two main games that I’ll play, Civilization V or Modern Warfare 3. During the week, I’ll spend no time playing at all because, honestly, I’ve got a full schedule just working towards my goals. So on Saturday, after the chores are done, and on Sunday, I’ll take the time, while Benedict sleeps, to play for a while.
In those times, I’m not worried about all of the other things that I could be doing. I’m not concerned with looming deadlines or how much writing I could get done. I’m not thinking about other ways that I could be doing with that precious time. Instead, I’m recognizing that I need room to breathe and that by taking this time to play, I won’t be tempted during the week.
Downtime is crucial for goal attainment. Time management is all about doing the right thing in the moment and not being concerned about anything else. When I know that I’ll have time to play during the weekend, I can sit down and write with a clear mind. When I know that I’ve scheduled time to write during the week and that the household cleaning is done, I can play on the weekend with a clean conscience.
If you overload your schedule, you won’t be successful. Life is all about balance, and balance demands that you give yourself space. The time is there, you just have to allocate it.
There Will Be Stress
In marriage you share everything, including stress. You won’t find that little jewel printed on any brochure and you most likely didn’t hear it in your pre-marriage counseling, but it’s the truth.
Stress is a natural occurrence in the human experience. We recognize our fear of the unknown and our lack of control over many things in our world and that recognition leads to increased stress levels. We’re stressed as we wait for the results of a diagnostic test, we’re stressed over uncertainty in our company, and we’re stressed about political unrest. We say “let go and let God,” but that’s a very difficult catchphrase to put into practice.
Perhaps the greatest stress is being nearly helpless in easing the burdens on your spouse’s mind. A few weeks ago, Alison took a major test for licensure. It was incredibly expensive (thankfully we didn’t have to pay for it) and, honestly, a lot was riding on it. I couldn’t help her study, I couldn’t be with her for the 8 hour long test, all I could do was support her. I supported her through prayer, through giving her the space and time she needed to study, and by putting on hold all minor activities and decisions until the test was done.
Your role as the primary support structure for your wife is one of the great practical ways that marriage works for the family. Spouses are able to seamlessly transfer responsibilities to one another as needed. When Alison needs to study, I can watch Benedict. When I’m behind on work, Alison can make dinner. When the weather is bad, I can drive Alison to work. When I’m sick, Alison can do the laundry. When Alison is preparing for a major test or certification, I can handle the family’s administrative and financial affairs.
Family perfectly makes sense within the context of marriage because we need permanence in our lives. We need margin for grace and mercy. We need communication and connection so deep and so lasting that small quarrels stay small. We need that stability so that when the world around us is up in the air, we can rely on the Church and our wife to be the same.
The benefit of a strong martial relationship is that you’ll be able to sense when your wife’s stress level is elevated and you’ll intuitively know how to proceed. You’ll know what conversations and decisions can wait, and you’ll know what things to do to help make her day a little bit better, like getting water for her nightstand.
Sharing stress in your marriage is inevitable. Be alert, able, and willing to take on added responsibilities when your wife needs you to.