Sublime Forgivness
The struggle with the Sacrament of Confession is a lifelong one for Catholics. Our struggle is a deeply human one in that the Sacrament requires us to look at our lives and voice our failings. We’re not perfect people, and Confession is a stark reminder of that. We love the feeling of cleanliness after Confession, but we struggle with comprehending God’s great mercy.
Recently I’ve been reading books about World War II. I love history and learning about so many of the characters that helped shape world events. Some of the stories are so sensational that it’s hard to believe that they can be real. One of those characters is Rudolf Hoss. Rudolf was the commandant of Auschwitz for many years during World War II. Under his direction, somewhere between 1.5 and 3 million people lost their lives, whether by outright murder, death by starvation, torture, disease, or cruel medical experimentation.
I fail to come up with words strong enough to express how reprehensible Rudolf’s actions were. He’s considered by many to be the greatest criminal to have ever lived. The compete disregard for human life is shocking, even today, 70 years later. The magnitude is unimaginable. 3 million lives, snuffed out on his orders.
By all accounts, most people would consider him to be eternally damned. Of course, that’s not our place to judge and we’ll never know. You’d think that after the end World War II, his story would be over. It’s precisely then that it starts to get interesting. After some time on the run, Rudolf was caught and convicted of crimes against humanity, and sentenced to execution by hanging. The authorities built a gallows on the spot in Auschwitz where the camp Gestapo interrogated and tortured inmates. He was executed in 1947. The part of the story that we don’t often hear about was that Rudolf was Catholic. Certainly his actions as commandant were in direct opposition to everything that the Church stands for and teaches. Indeed, there’s a great body of documentation showing the great lengths that the Church went to in order to save Jews and other persecuted people during the war. Yet, a few days before his execution, Rudolf received the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
We’ll never know the disposition of his heart, how contrite he was, or what he even said. What we do know, based on Church teaching, is that God will forgive any sin for which we are truly sorry, if we bring it to Him in the Sacrament with a contrite heart. What that means is that Rudolf, the greatest criminal of all time, a man who ruthlessly and actively allowed 3 million souls to perish who were under his authority, if he asked God for forgiveness, was granted it.
Amazing.
The lesson here is this: God’s mercy, through the Sacrament, can forgive any sin.
Fear plays a role in how we approach, or don’t approach, Confession. We feel a great sense of shame as we commit the same sins day after day, week after week. That shame drives us to fear naming our sins to a priest who may know us or recognize our voice. This is, of course, unfounded. The priest may never reveal what he hears under the seal of the Sacrament, and further, he’s undoubtedly heard much worse. Yet, even with this knowledge, shame still creeps in. This is, no doubt, the work of Satan. The fact remains that a faithful Catholic is devastating to his plans of destruction. That means that the more faithful and fervent you are, the greater the threat you become. It also means that if you’re tempted more frequently, you just may be living the Christian life right.
We’re all repeat offenders, even the priest. While he may not struggle with the same sin that you are, he knows all too well that the struggle is real. We all resolve to do better and we all relapse. Repeated relapses led us to believe that we’re unworthy of forgiveness or that there’s no point of going to Confession because we’re just going to sin again. This logic is completely backwards. It’s when the swimmer gives up that he’s overwhelmed by the water and not a moment before. Confession is our chance to persevere and overcome.
In the Sacrament of Confession, we’re confronted with more than just our past failings; we come face to face with the overwhelming majesty of God. Who is this that can forgive our numerous and repeated offenses against Him? Who can have an inexhaustible supply of mercy, love, and forgiveness? With the right intent, we’re able to receive true forgiveness. Aside from being able to physically receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Jesus, as He promised, through the Eucharist that He established, the Sacrament of Reconciliation is the greatest benefit of being a Catholic.
We all face fear and shame when we reflect upon our lives and see how far we’ve fallen short of the bar we set for ourselves. Through grace and the Sacramental life of the Church, we’re able to be healed, reconciled, and dusted off, prepared to rise again tomorrow, refreshed and joyful, ready to praise Him throughout another day.
How to Grow this Lent
Unbelievably, today is Ash Wednesday. In just a few hours, the hunger pangs will start to set in as we observe the first of two fasting days this year. Masses today will undoubtedly be crowed by the faithful looking to mark the beginning of this penitential and fruitful season.
Over the past few weeks, you may have noticed that many fast food chains have started to market heavily their fish options. I think it’s pretty funny that they cater to us every time this year. It also shows the remarkable market strength Christians have when we band together.
The question on everyone’s mind, including mine, is how can we grow this Lent? Over the past two weeks, I’ve been promoting my most recent book, Grant Us Peace, as one possible aid in your Lenten journey. Although it is a 21 day retreat, as opposed to the full 40 days of Lent, I wrote it specifically for times like these. It seems that around Ash Wednesday each year, many Catholics recognize how far they are from the spiritual life that they wish they had and are eager to hit the restart button. If that sounds like you, “Grant Us Peace” is the right book for you now.
What’s perhaps even better than the newness that Lent brings is how excited the clergy gets. It’s wonderful when priests dramatically increase the frequency and prevalence of liturgies and devotionals. Stations of the Cross are offered weekly, a few extra daily Masses are added to the schedule, some very early in the morning and others at night. This is really great because it caters to members of the parish who wish they could participate more actively in the daily life of the Church, but their work schedule precludes them from doing so. Your parish might even have a speaker series or a mission happen during Lent and, of course, there will be a penance service. The penance service is awesome because you really feel comfortable confessing your worst sins to a priest that you’ll likely never see again.
As we start this 40 day journey, I want you to take a good look at the full schedule at your parish and find some ways to more actively participate with you and your family, especially in the Easter Triduum. These liturgies are sublime and, when you really get into them, are not at all boring or old fashioned. They are beautiful expressions of faith that allow us to better understand how sin effects the entire Church.
This Lent, find ways at home to enrich your family’s spiritual life. Be reflective, be resolute, and immerse yourself in this season. Read the Sunday readings together on Saturday, pray a rosary together, or even just start praying together in the evening. Do something and make it a priority.
Lent is a beautiful opportunity for a grand spiritual restart. Don’t wait until Holy Week to start yours.
Our Political Role
Today we observe President’s Day and I think it’s an excellent time for us to consider our political role.
There’s been a large shift over the past 50 years in terms of the average American’s involvement in politics. A trend has developed in which each generation finds itself losing more and more faith in their government as a result of repeated scandals and increasingly frightening surveillance programs. What’s so easily forgotten is that employees of the government are, by and large, ordinary Americans just like us.
Astoundingly, instead of actively using the mechanisms in place to remedy errors, namely voting in elections and voicing opinions to elected officials, participation in politics has dwindled among the general population. By far the biggest opportunity to enact change are our regularly held elections, and yet, on Election Day, most Americans stay home. Even worse, an elected position has become a career for many in our society. The longer a person serves in government, the more susceptible they become to undue influence by special interests, tempted to corruption, and drunk on power. Instead of fresh ideas and new faces to solve our most complex societal problems, we keep sending the same people back year after year, and in many cases, decade after decade. Gone, too, are the days when Americans would regularly write or call their representatives and share views on bills and issues being debated in Congress. We’ve fallen victim to thinking that our voice really doesn’t matter, that one vote can’t make a difference, and so we back out of politics completely, except for some shouting matches online and at Thanksgiving.
Politics, the business of promoting the common good, has removed reason from every discussion and replaced it with ideology. In this scenario, we all lose. The poor are given hand outs instead of hand ups. The successful are objectively robbed as the price for doing well. The middle class become political pawns, used by everyone in bids to increase power, influence, and size. Bills become so laden with pork that it’s hard to determine what the original intent was. Instead of using our time to fix broken systems, update laws as science and technology advance, and promote strong, stable families, we spend all of our time scheming, yelling, and accusing each other of ridiculous things.
You know all this to be true and so do I. How do we, as Catholic husbands, address it? As with all great change, it starts at home. We should take an active political role ourselves, we must teach our children about the duties we have as citizens of a democracy, and we should take it upon ourselves to fix problems locally.
We must advocate for what we believe in. We each have a few issues that are close to our hearts that we feel compelled to support. Some may be life issues, others tax issues, and social justice issues might even be in the mix. Keep track of when your issues are being discussed and pick up the phone, mail a letter, or send an email to your elected officials. Despite what you may think, representatives do take into account the opinions of their constituents. They can’t read your mind. Share your opinions!
Next, we must show our kids that living in this great country means that we have responsibilities to fulfill. Don’t duck out on jury duty. Vote in every election. Elections happen almost every year in your community and range from local, state, and federal elections. You can easily find out when elections are being held and where they are, participate! Members of the armed services literally gave up their lives so that you can vote, so do it!
We also can’t be led to retreat every time our ideas lose. When we leave the discussion, we only give louder voice to the opinions that we disagree with
Lastly, solve problems locally. We can’t fix homelessness across the country, but we might be able to get together with a few neighbors and fix the problem in our town. We can’t solve the scourge of absentee fathers in another city, but we could start a regular inter-faith seminar for young men that teaches and informs about the duties, benefits, and joys of responsible parenting. We can’t get adequate healthcare for people in another state, but we can fund a free clinic in our community. We don’t have to wait for the government to fix a problem, we can do it ourselves!
This is our nation and our home. It’s up to us to use the structures in place to make it a just society that serves all with dignity and fairness.
Our Diocese’s Best Kept Secret
When you have a new baby, everything in the world is wonderful. A long 10 months of hopeful anticipation culminates in you finally getting to hold your new little one as they snuggle up close to you and sleep. It’s an amazing time and also an exhausting time. The joy of holding your warm baby is mixed with the terror that at any moment they could have a blowout and ruin your Hallmark moment.
As your family adjusts to its new life, whether this child be your first or your twelfth, you get to go to Mass together and bask not only in the peace of the liturgy, but in the joy of everyone around you. People love babies and our love of them is on full display at Church.
In these many weeks of happiness and serenity at Mass, there’s one thing that doesn’t cross your mind: this child will be a toddler soon enough and Mass will become an epic struggle. No longer are you struggling against the urge to mentally check out or to resist reading the bulletin. No, you and your wife’s struggle is to maintain order and discipline with your tiny human who wants nothing more than to be moving, squirming, walking, holding the hymnal, ripping the hymnal, throwing toys on the floor, taking off their socks and shoes, reading a book, shouting to hear their own echo and so on.
Young parents are trying to balance instilling the practice of going to Mass in their child with the rights of other parishioners to not have a little kid screaming right next to them for an entire hour. It’s an incredibly stressful situation for any parent to be in. Worse, taking your child to the back of Church means there’s no longer any comfortable seating or the opportunity to actually see or hear what’s going on. Most Churches have woefully inadequate cry rooms that amount to nothing more than an afterthought.
This goes on for months and months until the family can reintegrate with the Parish when their child is old enough to know that Mass is a quiet time.
Alison and I faced this stark reality starting just a few months ago. Gone are the days when Benedict would be content to be held by us or sleep in his seat during Mass. He’s a boy on the move and he’d love to tell you all about it!
Our parish, like so many others, had little room to work with in the construction of the Church. That meant that shortly after Mass began, sometimes even before Mass began, one of us would have to take Benedict into the narthex and experience Mass from there. The sound was good, but there was no comfortable seating. After the homily we’d switch places-the upside was that it gave us both half of Mass to be quiet and prayerful. The downside, which completely outweighed the upside, was that our family was sadly split during our most important activity of the week.
Thankfully, our parish is also staffed by genius priests. 7 years ago, they built a new Church on the parish lot. Our community is huge with six Masses on the weekend, all packed to overflow capacity. Instead of knocking down the historical Church which was built shortly after the end of the Civil War, they kept it as an Adoration Chapel. In a stroke of pure genius, instead of letting the old Church sit empty on the weekend, they wired it for sound and video from the main Church and it now is the cry room. The Mass being celebrated right next door is broadcast to a large TV on an AV cart through a camera that pivots in the back of the main sanctuary. So, when someone is at the Lectern, we can zoom in and just see the reader. When the priest is praying the consecration, we can zoom in just on the Altar. All Mass, no distractions.
What makes this “cry room” so special is that it’s a fully commissioned Church with the Blessed Sacrament still in repose. It’s not a random room at the very back of the Church, it is a Church! Benedict can still have the experience of being in Church and going to Mass without Alison and I having to bear the stress of not wanting him to disturb others. I call the Chapel, jokingly, St. Benedict’s Chapel.
It’s a wonderful blessing to have this opportunity. There are other families with children who go to Mass in the Chapel and no one has any expectation of complete silence. We still try to regulate Benedict, to a point, but if he screams, we don’t blush. If he throws a book on the ground, we don’t shudder. Even better, since there are far fewer people, we have space to spread out with the large amount of things we bring to Mass these days to keep Benedict appropriately engaged.
Perhaps what I love most about St. Benedict’s Chapel, apart from it being a real Church, is the relief that it brings to parents. We’re able to pray and enjoy the experience of Mass in a Church, without worrying about the erratic behavior of our toddler. We’re able to be together, as a family, at Mass. We’re able to form good habits in Benedict and help him understand not only what’s going on in the Mass, but what all of the things are in the Church.
I look forward to the day when our family is able to participate in Mass with the whole community again, but for now, I’m quite content celebrating in St. Benedict’s Chapel, where families can pray together without stressing over every sound their child makes.
Falling Forward in Lent
With Lent just around the corner, another opportunity for us to refocus our energies and prayer life on God is about to arrive. Lent provides an excellent opportunity for us to do some spring cleaning in our soul.
There’s a danger to Lent, however. Naturally, anything that lasts more than a few days challenges our abilities to focus on a goal or a project. Focus, however, is not the enemy during Lent. The real enemy is discouragement.
A few days before Ash Wednesday, or perhaps even on Ash Wednesday, we decide how we’ll observe this Lent. It might be by abstaining from something, adding something to our lives, or even a commitment to participate in additional liturgies, Stations, or the Easter Triduum. As of today we have 6 days to go until Lent starts, and we know that the further in advance that you set your goals, the higher probability that you’ll have success.
Regardless of how diligent you are, there will be times of failure this Lent for you. You won’t bat .1000 and you won’t fully keep your pledges. For most of us, the first failure will happen within a week of Ash Wednesday. What will define your Lent, what will define your preparations for the Easter celebration, will be how you respond to that failure.
Approaching any situation with a dose of reality makes a big difference and can help put you in a position to make better choices. Recognizing the fact that you won’t keep your Lent promises perfectly will help you to better cope with reality when it sets in.
I’d encourage you to not take a legalistic approach to the Lenten season. Instead, I’d encourage you give something up, out of love. I’d encourage you to take something on, out of love. I’d encourage you to participate in more liturgies, out of love.
When we do something out of love rather than out of obligation, our mindset changes. We’re better able to move past failure because we so fervently want to continue to express our love. I love Alison, so when I fail to take good care of her, I don’t just throw up my hands and never try again. No, I feel a tinge of remorse and try even harder to serve her better moving forward. The same should be true for us in Lent.
Spend this Lent contemplating the crucifixion and your role in it. Our sins today transcend time and caused, in some part, the necessity of the crucifixion. Ponder also the great love that God has for you, that He’d go through all of that so that we might have a chance at living with Him forever. Consider also the comfort that you can give to the crucified Christ through your good works and signs of love, fidelity, and affection.
One other exercise that I’ve found particularly edifying in recent years is to read a book during Lent that relates to the events of Easter. Killing Jesus by Bill O’Reilly and Martin Dugard or Jesus of Nazareth: Holy Week by Pope Benedict XVI are two excellent choices. Really get lost in the historical events of Holy Week. Put yourself in the shoes of an observer and experience the reality of what happened and how it happened. You’ll walk away with a much deeper appreciation of the significance of the Paschal Mystery, as well as the graphic nature of the events that surround it.
I wrote a few days ago that you should make this Lent matter. Recognize Lent for what it truly is, a chance to start fresh; a chance to clean out the cobwebs and get back to basics.
The Secret of Service
When you reach a certain level in a company, one of the perks that you may be given is an administrative assistant. The job of your admin is to take things off your plate that, while they may be important, don’t necessarily need to be done by you. If you’re running a division of a company, do you really need to be spending your time playing phone tag with a client?
Admin assistants are extremely valuable because they can do routine tasks so you don’t have to. Hopefully admins have a high level of job satisfaction because they know that while they’re doing your lower-level to dos, they’ve freed your time up to do really impactful things that will help a lot of people.
Depending on your company, an admin might have a wide range of flexibility in terms of the tasks that they’re allowed to complete on company time. For example, it may be permissible for them to run out and buy something that you need or pick up your dry cleaning. Again, their whole job is to take pressure off your schedule so that you can do work that really matters.
Many of us dream of having an admin. So many things come up during the day at work that we wish we could have someone else complete. We’d love to not have to call that company that we know has a disastrous phone tree, we’d love to not have to pick up our dry cleaning and we’d love to have things in place right when we need them.
There’s good news. While you may not have an administrative assistant at work, you can be one at home. One of the best ways that we can spend our time is in service to our wives. A perfect way to do that, and one that you might be doing already, is by being her administrative assistant.
There are a great many things that need to get done in your household: car maintenance, bill paying, customer service calls, taxes, cleaning, and more. These are each opportunities to take that task (and sometimes frustration!) off of your wife’s plate so she can be freed up to do other more important things. For example, while you’re getting the oil changed, she could be taking care of the kids. While you’re on hold with the cable company, she could be enjoying getting lost in a book.
We all love the idea of what an administrative assistant does, so why not give that gift to your wife? You could go further with this concept and inject a few things into your evening routine to make her life better. You could tidy up the house or lay out her PJs. In the morning, you could have coffee ready for her as she wakes up or make her lunch before she has the chance.
The most fun that you’ll have as a husband is serving your wife. Take on the mindset of an administrative assistant and figure out ways that you can blow her mind with service.
Do Valentine’s Day Right
—PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT—
WARNING! Valentine’s Day is in 4 days. WARNING!
As a man, you might be tempted to think that Valentine’s Day is all too commercial and certainly beneath you and your wife’s relationship. That would make you wrong.
While everyday should be Valentine’s Day in your marriage, or at least more than just once a year, I can tell you that your wife will be expecting something this Saturday. That doesn’t make her shallow or materialistic, that makes her a woman.
There’s nothing wrong with celebrating Valentine’s Day. Your wife certainly doesn’t want to be inundated on Facebook with pictures of love tokens that her friends received when she’s sitting at home with a big fat nothing because you were an oaf.
Not to worry, if you’ve just realized that you’ve got nothing, I’m here to help. Here are a few ideas that require no money but lots of sweat equity.
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Write her a love letter. I think I’ve beaten this dead horse enough, but seriously, just sit down and do it.
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Clean the house. If your wife takes point on the domestic affairs of your household, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity for you to turn the tables. Give the house a good cleaning from top to bottom. If you’re like me and are responsible for the cleaning of the house, just do it anyway. There’s something wonderfully refreshing about a clean house.
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Make dinner. This one requires advance planning. Don’t just make the mac and cheese that was on the menu. Do it up big! Don’t waste your time going out to eat with everyone and their brother. You know what your wife really likes! Plan the meal, buy the food, and make it fresh. Now THAT’S a Valentine’s Day!
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Draw her a bath. We men like to take as little time as possible when it comes to bathing, which is why showers are perfect for us. Most days, your wife doesn’t have time to devote to the luxury of a bath and some downtime. So, wrangle the kids, draw her a nice bath, give her a snack to nibble on and leave her alone!
Valentine’s Day is all about giving, not about taking or receiving. So pour yourself completely into pampering her for just one day on February 14th, and then repeat daily.
Honor the Dead
Today is the 12th anniversary of my maternal Grandfather’s death. It’s a special day for me because I had the privilege of being with him when he died. Growing up, I didn’t have much time to spend with my paternal grandparents, both having died by the time that I was in 2nd grade. I was fortunate to have most of my childhood with my maternal grandparents. My mom’s dad died when I was in 8th grade and my mom’s mother died when I was in college, but developed dementia starting shortly after my grandfather had died. I really looked up to, and still do, my mom’s parents. I treasure the memories that we made together. In fact, many of the crafts that I made with my grandparents can be found in Benedict’s room.
I’m very grateful to have had a positive experience with my grandfather’s death. He became sick very quickly and was hospitalized on life support for a few days. While life support generally indicates that a person’s life is close to the end, it does lend the benefit of allowing family to better anticipate when someone will die. So, when the decision was made to withdraw life support, all of our family had time to fly in and say our final goodbyes. A priest from the local parish came that evening and administered the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick and we all prayed together. Afterwards, my parents let me stay at the hospital with 3 other family members and we prayed with him through the night, though he was heavily sedated. I was honored to be with him in his last moments in a very beautiful testament to life.
All of my maternal ancestors are buried in the same cemetery plot in our ancestral hometown. I think it’s kind of fun to walk amongst the graves and learn about each person. In fact, I have a plot there myself. Each Spring, a contingent of my family goes to the cemetery to plant flowers on our family’s graves. Although the local parish handles all of the lawn maintenance, planting flowers is a nice tradition that honors the memory of our family who has gone before us. This past year was particularly special because we were all in town for my great aunt’s birthday. As a part of the festivities, all of my mom’s siblings went to the cemetery to carry on the tradition.
We’re constantly confronted with the reality of death. While the absence of a loved one is indeed very difficult to cope with, it speaks volumes of the strength of our human relationships. We’re so connected to one another that the absence of someone in our lives is deeply impactful. It’s difficult to cope with the loss of a loved one. No longer having their presence is felt for a very long time, sometimes even every day for the rest of our own lives.
It’s important to be constantly praying to and for those who have died. Since I’m not the Pope, I’m unable to declare that any of my grandparents are in Heaven. They certainly lived virtuous lives and were models of holiness for me, but I do not know the mind of God and so I’m unable to know with certainty where they are. God is outside of time, so there’s no way of knowing if someone is in Purgatory, or how long they’d be there in terms of our sense of time.
In the days and weeks after someone dies, it’s our human nature to use phrases such as, “They’re in a better place” or “They’re in Heaven now” as ways of both coping or comforting. Though difficult to say, saying things like that are dangerous. I know that when I die, the last thing I want is for people to think that they don’t have to pray for me! Prayers can shorten one’s stay in Purgatory and, if I’m there, I’d be looking for a quick exit and any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated.
The great beauty of our Church is the connectedness of souls through the Communion of Saints. It’s a beautiful thing that they are able to intercede for us, and that we’re able to intercede for them. Let’s be diligent in praying for our loved ones both here in this life and those who have passed from it.
Have Clear Motivations
There are a lot of things that I’d like to do. Almost every day, I get a new idea for some project or goal that I’d like to work on. It might be an area of my life or schedule that I want to improve, such as incorporating more reading time for Benedict. It might be a new book idea or some new app. All of these ideas are inspiring in the moment and really quite appealing. I’m often tempted to change direction or course and to charge at this new idea. After a few hours or a few days, most of the ideas subside and I’m left with the ones that really mean something to me.
Too often we set plans based on emotion. We don’t know why we’re doing something, only that we’re getting something out of it. It might be a feeling of fulfillment, a feeling of purpose, or actually seeing a positive result from our action. The problem with emotions is that they aren’t sustainable.
New Years resolutions, marriages, self-improvement plans and other things of this nature, when fueled solely by emotion, often flicker out before the end result is achieved. There’s a clear difference between emotion and passion. Emotion is fickle and can change based on little more than one’s mood. Passion comes from somewhere deep inside. Passion is the driver that doesn’t know that there’s a brake pedal. Emotion is the driver going 25 in 65. Emotion is cautious because even it knows its state is fragile.
When you embark on any major project, on any major goal, or even as you live out your vocation, there’s one distinct feature that, if you possess it, will catapult you into the world of success. You must have clear motivations.
If you don’t understand deeply why you’re doing something, you won’t have the energy to push through the difficult times. If you don’t understand deeply why you married your wife, in 5 years when things are very difficult, looking for an exit might be unduly tempting. If you don’t understand deeply why you decided to lose 20 lbs, every time you’re faced with dessert, you’ll grow weaker until you finally cave and go back to your old ways.
Determining your motivations is more easily said than done. Like the layers of an onion, you usually need to go a few layers deeper. Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that Timmy is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend of two years. Wisely, he’s taking the time to ensure that this is the right decision for both him and for his girlfriend. So, he sits down and tries to determine what his motivations for proposing will be. Here’s what he writes down.
Layer 1: I love her.
Layer 2: We get along well.
Layer 3: We have many of the same interests.
Layer 4: She encourages me to be a better person.
Layer 5: My friends and family think we make a good match.
Layer 6: She understands me better than anyone I’ve met before.
Layer 7: I feel a great sense of peace when considering that she might be my vocation.
Layer 8: I want our love to extend beyond us and into our children and their children’s children.
As you can see, Timmy worked from a very low level emotional reaction (Layer 1) all the way down to the definition of marriage (Layer 8). As he explored his motivations deeper, he came up with 8 excellent, progressively better motivations for proposing. I’d say that if his girlfriend has similar motivations, they’re going to have a very solid foundation for their marital relationship.
Writing down and saving your motivations will be helpful when times get difficult. When you no longer feel like running, or writing, or learning a new skill, you can quickly refer to that list and recapture that sense of excitement. Another great idea is to share your motivations with your wife. Not only will a 2nd set of eyes help you determine if you’re on the right track, she can be your cheerleader. Just the other day Alison paid me a very nice compliment that encouraged me to stay focused during the day with my writing.
Success and failure are ultimately up to us. If we have clear motivations and passion for what we’re doing, there’s nothing that we can’t accomplish.
Avoid Whatever Leads You to Sin
I’m usually not very forgetful, but there’s one time that I am. During Confession, after the priest says “Now say your Act of Contrition,” I typically blank. It’s not that I don’t know the words, or even that I’m nervous. It’s that I do much better praying out loud with a bunch of other people.
I generally get my act together (pun intended) after the first few lines and then I’m in the clear. One of the things I’ve been trying to do in the past few months is to really pray with empathy. I’ve prayed the Act of Contrition hundreds of times in my life, but in Confession, I try to pray it in a way that I’m having a conversation with Christ. I pray it in a way that I’d make an apology to a friend.
There’s one phrase that I get hung up on, because my follow through is very weak. “… and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.”
Oh.
We all know what things lead us to sin. I’ve written before about triggers and understanding where they come from and how they get tripped. In the Act of Contrition, and whenever we go to Confession, we promise to avoid those things, but I think it’s safe to say that we do a pretty bad job.
What does it take for us to do better? What does it take for us to actually follow through? How do we overcome the most serious things that lead us to sin, things that aren’t innately bad but cause us to sin anyway?
For example, what if you sin when you use Facebook? What if using Facebook leads you to jealousy or rage or pride? If you promise to avoid whatever leads you to sin, that means you promise to avoid Facebook. Ouch.
Of course, this is the challenge in the spiritual life. Many things that are popular among our friends can be potentially dangerous to our spiritual well being. We should be saying no to far more things than we already do. At the end of the day, it really does come down to priorities.
This is a battle not easily won, especially if you find yourself having to give up something that you’ve done for a very long time. It becomes a matter of virtue and of discipline.
A promise is a promise. We should avoid whatever leads us to sin, we say we’ll avoid whatever leads us to sin, so let’s just actually get the job done this time.