The Rise of Divorce
I’ve recently started working on a family genealogy project. In the past, I hadn’t much cared about my family’s history beyond my grandparents, but lately I’ve become fascinated with our family’s story. I’m basing all of my research around Benedict as the starting person and I’m excited about the journey that this is taking me on. While many of the discoveries have been very exciting, I’ve noticed something else that’s rather tragic. In keeping with what I suspect is par for the course today, in the last 115 years, it’s nearly impossible to find any branch of my family within two generations that hasn’t been touched by divorce.
It’s obvious that divorce today is far more prevalent than it has been at any another time in history. As we struggle to understand or even remember why we have marriage as a societal institution in the first place, it has become more and more socially acceptable for couples to end their marriage for even seemingly petty reasons. This rise points to the need for more education before engaged couples tie the knot.
In the United States, no-fault divorce laws are a complete train wreck. From the very beginning of this legal concept, we’ve progressively eroded away societal pressure for couples to stay together, even when things are difficult. In most cases, fights and disagreements can be worked through, although it may require outside professional assistance and a substantial amount of time. No-fault divorce laws create in our minds the notion that when things are difficult, it’ll be easy to just quit. This notion reflects an innate immaturity that’s wholly incompatible with the reality of marriage. There are valid reasons to divorce a spouse when the Sacrament of Matrimony was invalid in the first place, such as spousal abuse, addiction, or other impediment. However, no one will argue that all divorces in this country are based on these serious situations.
If we want to have a healthy marriage culture, and in turn a healthy family culture, we need to get back to basics. We need to learn how to communicate again. I have no objection to the innumerable ways we can communicate today and I use many of them to interact with Alison every day. However, when you’re in a fight, you need to use words and not a text. Spouses have to speak to one another. We’ve forgotten how to use our words properly and constructively. We need to learn the art of communication and use it to prevent fights from starting in the first place.
We also need to educate young people. While we need to talk to our kids about possible vocations to the priestly and religious life, we also need to recognize that the vast majority of our kids are called to the married life. Marriage is a vocation that’s just as important, just as holy, and just as much a calling from God as a vocation to the religious and priestly life. We have to talk to our kids about the beauty of marriage, the struggles of marriage, and the importance of marriage.
The prevalence of divorce only gives rise to more divorce. By understanding what marriage is, by getting back to basics, and by forming in the minds of young people the correct vision of marriage, we can reduce the divorce rate and enjoy the societal benefits of strong families.
When is it Enough?
The lives of the saints are a great mystery to us. How is it that ordinary men and women, both lay and religious, can slip the surly bonds of sin and fall in love with Jesus so deeply that they give up their selfish nature, pick up their cross, and follow Him?
Sure, we hear all the time that we should pick up our cross, but regard it as little more than a turn of phrase. “It’s the ideal, sure, but I’ll never do that. No one does.” “It’s a high standard that I just can’t reach because I’m too lost, hurt, and broken.” “I’ll worry about getting into Heaven when I’m older.” “I’m aiming for purgatory, it’s much more realistic for my situation in life.”
These are the lines we feed ourselves. Small rationalizations for our greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. We accuse God of being disingenuous. He promised to give us all of the grace and mercy that we need to make it through this life and stay faithful to Him, but we refuse. We prefer our sin to the love of God.
The thing is, there’s no saint without a sinner. There’s no Heaven without trial. There’s no life without suffering, temptation, and the hurts of our humanity. There’s no saint who doesn’t know the guilt and shame of serious sin. There’s no saint who hasn’t silently struggled with their greatest character flaw. There’s no saint who doesn’t know what it feels like to lose out to temptation or to willingly give in to it.
The difference between a saint and you? They knew when to say, “Enough!”
We all share in a silent struggle. We have that one sin, that habitual sin that we just can’t seem to shake. It’s embarrassing, it’s shameful, and it’s painful to admit. The only time we talk about it openly is in the Confessional where we’re guaranteed complete privacy and anonymity. We want to break free, but we’re unwilling to expose ourselves to anyone. Thus we silently struggle, all on our own.
We’ve tried to break the habit 10 times or 100 times. Yet, we always find ourselves back at the beginning. Maybe it’s out of habit. Maybe it’s out of choice.
“Enough!”
Life, though difficult, was never designed to have you enslaved to sin, a prisoner in your own body. We are to be tested, certainly, but never so much that we’re overcome. It’s our choice to be overcome, our choice to give in, and thus our punishment to endure. We feel powerless in the moment, but feelings and emotions can be wrong. We have the power to stand up and stop. We have the power to end this silent struggle. We have the Sacrament of Confession and a limitless God full of love, mercy, and compassion. We have His mother and ours, the mediatrix of grace.
So what’s stopping you? What’s stopping you from declaring today that enough is enough. You’ve sinned, you’ve reconciled, you’ve sinned again. Why not break it once and for all? It will be hard, oh yes. Temptation will flare up because temptation hates resistance. Certainly another sin will take it’s place as your primary weakness. You’ve tried and failed before. But why should the past stop you from being a better person starting right now?
Today isn’t about yesterday. Today is about today! Change is hard, but you love a challenge. Temptation will give you a run for your money, but you love a good fight. Another sin will take up residence at the top of your list, but it’s lesser to your current one. And besides, you’re going to knock it out next. You’ve tried and failed before, but so did St. Peter. And St. Paul. And St. Thomas More. And St. Theresa of Avalia. And St. Josemaria Escriva. And St. Juan Diego. And St. Thomas Aquinas. And St. Augustine. And St. Pio. And St. John Paul II.
You make the difference. Be courageous. Choose the difficult. Choose freedom.
Read God’s Book
Last Fall, Alison, Benedict, and I traveled to my cousin’s wedding. While there, I saw one of those ubiquitous Catholic media CD displays in the back of the Church. A talk by Matthew Kelly caught my eye, so I picked up a copy knowing how much my sister enjoys his work. Alison and I listened on the drive home and something really stood out to me as Matthew was talking about what he thought our particular judgement would be like. He mused that God would ask us, “Did you read My book?”
As a writer, I kind of chuckled at the idea of that question. It’s certainly one that I ask people from time to time and often the answer is no. That’s to be expected for a new author who’s been in print for less than 12 months, but an answer of “no” is somewhat less acceptable to the Author of the best selling book of all time.
As I’ve slowly weaved the practice of spending 10 minutes a day reading the Bible into my morning prayer time, I’ve also done something that the college version of me would stringently object to as a waste of time; I’ve been reading the footnotes.
Reading the Bible today without making use of the footnotes would be like taking a road trip and not looking out the window. You’ll make it to the destination but you’ll have missed out on the richness of the context, the exciting details in the periphery, and the joy of the experience. It’s one of the reasons that I’ve enjoyed reading Fr. Jim Martin’s book, “Jesus: A Pilgrimage” this Lent. Fr. Martin takes the stories of Jesus’ life and gives the reader the perspective of a pilgrimage to the Holy Land and his own personal experiences of God.
The Bible is a diverse collection of stories from a time and place that we have little historical experience of. I have never been to the Holy Land, I’m not Jewish, and I know almost nothing of Middle Eastern culture. In its 73 books, there’s a great variety of stories, truths and characters. The entire Old Testament is the written history of the Jewish people. The New Testament is the history of the foundation and propagation of the Christian faith. To really understand the richness of the content, you have to read the footnotes.
Most of the references and phrases used in the Bible are no longer used in common vernacular. Sometimes meaning is lost in translation. Often locations are referenced that are no longer known by those particular names. In instances such as these, happening almost every verse, the footnotes can unlock greater meaning. For example, did you know that Gehenna was a place in Jerusalem that was essentially a town dump where people burned their trash? If you simply read the Gospels without the footnotes, you might just think it was a Hebrew turn of phrase for hell. Instead, it’s a reference to an actual place that, frankly, everyone agreed was a true hell hole.
Reading the Bible is about more than just learning the history of the Jewish people or our own Christian heritage. We believe that the Bible is inspired by the Holy Spirit, meaning that every line, story, phrase, character, and word is important for some particular reason. This is a spiritual experience and it’s one that will grow you intellectually and form you as a person. As you read, some passages will really jump out at you. They just might be the right message for you at the right time. You’ll be moved by someone’s deep faith, see yourself in a struggling character, or better understand the life that Jesus asks you to live.
Consider spending a few minutes a day reading God’s book. Start with just one book of the Bible and take 10 minutes a day to read, digest, and reflect. Not only will you find what you need to find and hear what you need to hear, you’ll be able to tell the omniscient and omnipotent creator of the universe that you read His book.
Drop Everything for Her
When Benedict is in the family room playing, anytime he hears the locks on the front door turning, he’ll stop and say, “Mama.” This cute response to an all too familiar sound is based on his experience of daily life. In the evening, when Alison comes home from work, soon after hearing that sound, his mother appears in view and he gets very excited. No matter what he’s doing or how engaged he is with his current activity, he’ll stop, say “Mama” and then crawl to the baby gate, waiting to catch a glimpse of her.
Benedict’s response shows a real eagerness to see Alison. He clearly misses her during the day, especially on days when he mills around saying “mama.” I’m most impressed by his response of dropping everything because it really illustrates the place that Alison has in his heart; nothing is more important to him than she is.
The same should be true for us. How many times have you been working on a project, reading a book, or watching TV when your wife asks for your attention, only for you to keep her at bay until you finish that step, sentence, or scene? What does that say about how you view your wife? Certainly you don’t value her less than what you’re doing, so it’s important for your actions to show it.
You most likely spend most of your days separated from your wife by work. Thankfully we have communications technologies that make it a much easier separation to bear. We’re able to text, call, and tweet to find out how our days are going, what’s on our minds, when we’re leaving to come home, and what we’re having for dinner.
When practicable, answer her texts promptly. A text, though not a premium form of communication, is a rough equivalent of your wife standing next to you. When she texts you, take a minute and respond. Even better, send her kind words randomly throughout the day. These random texts serve as little reminders of why you love her and how great she is.
The real struggle that you’ll face when implementing this “drop everything for her” program is going to be when you do so at home. You can wait a minute to read a text message, your wife won’t wait a full minute to speak with you. When she speaks, listen. Pause the game, mute the TV, put down the book, turn away from the computer, look away from the phone. Whatever you’re doing in that moment, it’s not nearly as important as whatever your wife has to say. Further, when she asks you to do something, do it. It’s ok to put it off for a few minutes, but not much longer than that. Even more than just taking a time out, if you’re asked a question, give a thoughtful answer. It’s tempting to give her the quick answer that gets you back to whatever you were doing. Answer truthfully and give your honest opinion. Serving your wife and helping her with whatever she needs help with is the most important thing you can be doing in any moment of your day.
When you’re playing with your kids, this habit is even more important. Your kids, as you undoubtedly know, are always watching you. When you press pause at the drop of a hat to help your wife, they see what being a good husband means. When they see that you’ll pause whatever game you were playing or stop everything when your wife asks for your attention, it’ll make an impact.
The habit of dropping everything for your wife is a difficult one to master. It takes a good deal of effort to break out of the cycle that we’re currently in. However, with practice and discipline, you’ll soon be communicating to both your children and your wife that she’s the most important thing in your world, at every moment of the day.
Missing Alison
Alison’s work schedule is, at times, a real challenge for me. On her month of nights, she’d be at home and awake from about noon to 5pm and then gone or asleep for the rest of the day. Some mornings I’d even crawl back into bed for a nap while she was sleeping just so we could be together.
I know that with her chosen profession there are going to be a lot of hours required on her part. I also know that, in a way, it helps us to be more diligent about spending time together. We don’t take hours for granted because they’re not stable. We can’t count on 5pm being the end of the work day.
We have a limited amount of time with our wives. Perhaps in your home both of you work, thus further limiting the amount of time you have to spend together. It’s important to find alone time to keep your marriage strong. You both must balance all of the demands on your time and carve out both family and couple time. The bottom line is that if you’re not intentional about making time to be together, it just won’t happen.
Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. In our case, I do all that I can to work while Alison is at work. That means that when she’s home, I don’t have anything weighing on my mind or a to do list that’s demanding immediate action. I’m able to give myself permission to just relax and do whatever Alison wants. This is why Sunday is the perfect day to spend time together. When you work hard for six days of the week, you get to rest on Sunday. When both you and your wife have a down day, you’re able to literally spend the whole day together if you choose.
Steal little moments. Make dinner together or clean the kitchen together. Work on a craft project, yard cleanup, or home improvement project. Adjust your children’s sleep schedule to give you time for a movie before bed. Look for new opportunities to be alone together so that when you’re apart, you can be satisfied knowing you made good use of the time you did have together.
Being away from your wife is hard. By being a good steward of your time together and by completing tasks and projects while you’re away, you can make the time that you have together truly special.
Idle Hands
I recently watched an interview with a Benedictine monk done by a local TV station out West. They were profiling this monk and his jam-making business that he’d started on the monastery grounds. The reporter walked us through the monk’s day, starting with prayers and then going immediately out into the fields to begin working. One of the lines from the story was the monk saying, “Idle hands are the Devil’s tools.”
This is a common phrase, but hearing it from a monk was particularly impactful. We tend to idealize members of the clergy and think of them as being above temptation and reproach when, in fact, they are human just as we are. We know that priests and religious spend a significant amount of time in prayer, so when a monk tells us that he works so as to avoid temptation, it should speak volumes to us.
There’s plenty of work to be done in our daily lives and there’s also plenty of opportunities for idle time. The best way to beat temptation is to avoid idle time through good scheduling.
Temptation strikes us all. Priests, nuns, sisters, brothers, married and single people alike. All of us face temptation and often the same ones. Temptation goes after the weakness of humanity and the tendency that we all have to be selfish. Sin, like any other activity, has a time requirement. When you’ve got plenty of good to do, there’s simply less time to do evil. There’s less time to stew about something your wife did, there’s less time to surf Facebook and gossip, and there’s less time to gorge yourself on food. We’re weakest when we’re rudderless. By implementing a solid time management system, you can deprive sin of time and choke it out.
Beyond keeping a calendar or a running to do list, it’s important to set your own boundaries. I’ve written numerous times about being self-aware in the sin department and avoiding triggers to your most commonly committed sins. Setting boundaries can help you steer clear of those triggers and thus keep you happier and sin-free. Laziness is its own form of evil. It’s ok to enjoy a slow pace, but it’s also important to keep it in check. Boundaries created by time can help regulate your life so that you’ll have plenty of time to take it easy while not, at the same time, falling into sin.
Time management has everything to do with what you do during your waking hours; it’s not only about boosting productivity at work. Rather, it’s about the sum total of how you spend your days. Incorporating hobbies, and keeping a few on standby, will help you make decisions during lulls in your day. You certainly have more to do than there are hours in the day and having a standby list can help you make better decisions about how to use unexpected free time. You could play with your kids, work on the car, update your home inventory, or even update the value of your stamp collection. Having hobbies on standby will help you make better decisions in the moment.
There could be any number of reasons, but we all commit sin because we think that we’ll benefit from it in some way. Once we commit the sin, we usually feel guilt and shame. Initially believing that a particular sinful action will benefit us is what keeps us in the habit of sin. We hold to a mistaken belief that if we give up sin we’re somehow giving up something good or fun. Contrary to this line of thinking, it’s only when we give up our sin that we can be truly free. It’s only when we give up our sin that we’re happy. It’s only when we give up our sin that we’re able to enjoy all of the good that life has to offer. Breaking the habit is hard, but waiting on the other side is a peace and happiness that we haven’t known for a while, maybe even years.
Idle hands are the Devil’s tools. Don’t be a tool.
Fight the Creeping Bulge
Winter is hard on me. During the spring, summer, and fall, I’m a regular exerciser. Benedict and I can be seen on our 4 mile circuit almost every day. When winter sets in, we’re infrequent, if ever. I don’t want to go out in the cold or the snow or on the salty road. Benedict, I’m sure, doesn’t appreciate the cold wind on his face. It’s usually during the middle of winter that I notice the creeping bulge.
If I’m not careful (and I haven’t been this year), my weight will start to catch me from behind. All of my hard work is slowly but surely erased. By the time spring comes around, I’ve got a good deal of ground to cover to get back to where I was at the end of fall. The creeping bulge is very telling. Health is either improving or declining; it’s rarely in neutral.
Getting healthy requires a lot of hard work. It requires us to tell ourselves “no” often. It’s not just that exercise can be uncomfortable. Regular exercise is often impeded by weather, the time that it requires, or even travel. How many times have you taken your workout gear on the road with you and never made it to the hotel gym? On top of all of that, health is a two-part equation. Not only do you need to increase your exercise, you have to limit your intake. That means resisting some of the most delicious treats cuisine has to offer. It can also make parties and visiting family difficult.
Once you’ve put in the effort and done the work, the next challenge is to not let it go to waste. As with the creeping bulge of winter, it can be easy in any time or season to slip. This is where we need to examine our approach. Are we following a fad diet or making lifestyle changes? Improving health should never be seen as a short term objective. A long term attitude, approach, and plan will always outperform any short term gains.
We will all face the creep at one time or another. The best way to beat it is to stop it in its tracks. An early warning system, like a scheduled weekly weigh-in, can be the best tool for detecting impending danger. Patterns will emerge and let you know it’s time for corrective action. Action is the second piece to the puzzle. Seeing the warnings and responding appropriately will help you reverse any negative trend. Those actions might be increased discipline in working out or perhaps better menu planning and grocery shopping.
We’re all in this fight. Our health is our greatest asset and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Have the courage to fight the creeping bulge.
Be Full of Surprises
A few days before Valentine’s Day, my sister texted me asking what my plans were. “Are you going to write Alison a love letter and draw her a bath?” Of course, I responded yes. I also noted how hard it is to surprise Alison because I give away my best ideas on the blog and she edits every single one of them!
Surprises add a nice flair to life. A little pick-me-up or a gentle reminder of one’s love and affection can make a big impact on someone’s day. More than that, it keeps things fresh. By not following the script that’s been written, an element of excitement and newness fills the air. If you’re not surprising your wife on a regular basis, in ways big and small, you’re not trying.
Marriage is built on and fueled by sweat equity. When you put in a lot of sweat, your marriage benefits. When you slack off, your marriage stagnates. It all goes back to the principles of physics: an object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest. Being full of surprises takes innovation and effort. It takes thoughtfulness and creativity. Not only is it fun for your wife to be on the receiving end of these surprises, but it’s fun for you. The fun comes from your ability to do something entirely new without her suspecting a thing. The fun comes when you see the look of shock on your wife’s face when you’ve broken down another preconceived notion that she has of you. You’re an amazing man with many talents. Show her.
Surprises are the perfect expression of love. They take prior planning, an element of positive secrecy and commitment. When you take the time out of your life to plan and execute on a surprise, you’re telling your wife just how much she means to you. It’s a bright spot in her day. You took your precious time and resources and spent them on her. That’s a big deal!
Surprises should be unexpected, but not infrequent. The nature of surprises has little to do with time and everything to do with variety. You could surprise your wife with flowers on Monday, a clean house on Tuesday, and a candlelit dinner on Wednesday. She could be surprised each day because each instance is a different way of being surprised. Think outside the box! What is a totally new, inventive, and amazing way to surprise your wife? Hot air ballon ride? Handcrafted spice rack? Salsa dancing? Mix it up and do it often.
Surprise is the spice of life. While there are plenty of great ways to keep your marriage alive and strong, few things are more effective than surprises. Add some adventure and thrill to your wife’s life by incorporating a habit of surprising her into your life.
Make Time to Read
There are limitless ways for us to use our free time during the day, but most activities leave us feeling empty. Watching a TV show can be entertaining in the moment, but when the moment has passed, it’s plain to see that nothing really impacted you during the previous half hour. The plot may have been captivating and some of the lines may have even elicited laughs during the broadcast. Yet, once the credits start rolling, you’re back to your life right where you were before you started watching.
Time is invaluable. By choosing to do something truly meaningful when you have some free time in your schedule you can have a meaningful experience that will be lasting. Sinking an hour into TV a day isn’t bad, sinking hours into TV every day is.
One of the activities that I’ve found to have an immediate and lasting impact is reading. Growing up, my parents reinforced the importance of reading by setting aside 30 minutes in the evening where we’d all retreat to our corner of the house and dive into a book. Perhaps my greatest regret from college was the fact that I didn’t read as much as I could have.
When you take time every day and dedicate it to reading, even big books can be tackled. Books are more than a constructive activity, they’re a gateway. New ideas, fun escapes, and food for your imagination all come from books. If you want to grow as a person, reading is the best way to do it.
A habit of reading will expand your mind. Not only does reading allow you to explore virtually any topic, the vocabulary of a well written book will expand the number of words at your command. No matter what your interests are, with millions of books in print and circulation, you can find a book that interests you. When you’ve read that book, find another. Reading is a lifelong activity that won’t go out of style and you’ll never bore of it. Certainly there will be books that you don’t like, but in those cases, you can simply put one down and pick up another.
If you’re on a budget, then reading is the hobby for you! Reading is free. It doesn’t cost you a dime. In fact, you don’t even have to own a single book in order to source copious amounts of reading material. Your local library has tens of thousands of volumes and access to millions more through inter-library agreements. Even better, so few people use the library in our modern era that there’s little competition for books. If you don’t want to go the library route, I’m sure you have a bookcase or two in your home full of books you’ve never read. If you don’t, your friends and family do. Getting access to books isn’t all that difficult and by utilizing the resources of your library, friends, and family, you’ll continue to discover new works.
Reading grows you as a person in new ways. When we consider formal education, especially when you get to the higher levels, courses are mainly guided by reading. Certainly math may be the exception to that rule, but by and large, college is nothing more than reading books in a group and discussing them. That means that anyone can be smart. It doesn’t take a college or graduate level education to be wise and well informed. Books are written by experts in a particular field, meaning you can learn concepts and ideas directly from experts. Reading helps you to explore new worlds and better understand the one that you live in.
Best of all, reading doesn’t require a significant amount of time. 30 minutes a day, the time recommended by my parents all those years ago, is enough to make significant progress. With a small investment of 30 minutes a day you’ll read more books than you ever have. I’ve found it’s best to read in the 30 minutes or hour before bed. It winds down my mind and helps with melatonin production. I’ve noticed a significant difference in time to fall asleep when I read before bed.
Most Americans, after finishing their formal education, will not read a single book for pleasure. If your mind isn’t growing, it’s regressing. Save 30 minutes a day, go somewhere comfortable, and read a good book.
Play with Your Kids
As I look back on the pictures of Benedict from his first year of life, I’m suddenly very aware of the fact that not too long ago, he couldn’t roll over on his own. When we first moved into our townhouse last summer, he could barely crawl. Now, just a few months later, he’s standing on his own and taking a few brave steps.
As his development continues, his latest preferred activity is building towers with blocks and knocking them down. He can stack three blocks if we let him work on his own, and five blocks if we prevent him from immediately knocking them over. Getting down on the floor and building towers with Benedict is a lot of fun. He gets so happy when he knocks a tower over and starts clapping.
Each day with your children is a great gift. Make time for playtime.
Playing with your children is you giving them your time. Your time is the most precious resource and legacy that you can give your children. This time together is a chance for them to direct what you both will do. Benedict will choose simple activities based on his age, so although putting blocks on top of each other might not exactly be a thrill or an intellectual exercise for me, it’s what he wants to do. So we do it. It’s also ok to be a little silly. When Benedict was very little, I had a hard time adjusting to making silly noises at him. As the youngest child in my family, I was never really around little kids, so I was embarrassed to say silly things in public and speak at different pitches. Yet, that’s what we do as parents. We meet our kids at their level and we celebrate them.
Talk to your kids while you play. Playtime is the perfect setting for finding out what’s really going on in their lives. Their guard is down, it’s a relaxed setting, and they feel more comfortable opening up with their true feelings and emotions. This is the time to listen and engage. Make them feel safe with you. A small investment of time now can pay dividends later. Playtime is also a great time for teaching. Share lessons, values, and inspirations with them. Encourage them to dream big and dream boldly.
When playing with your kids, remind them that they’re loved. There are way too many kids out there who don’t hear “I love you” from their parents. They’re abused, neglected, and not valued. There might even be a few peers in your child’s life who are telling them that they’re not loved or that they’re not special. Reinforce your love with physical touch. Never be too embarrassed to give your kids a hug and a kiss.
Give yourself permission on a daily basis to waste time playing with your kids. It’s one investment with guaranteed returns. After all, tomorrow they’ll be a day older and you can’t get that day back.