Editing Friendships
College is the gilded age of friendships. At no other point in your life are you more fully immersed in your peer group. You live together en masse, you share numerous experiences in the forms of classes, exams, campus jobs, and events. Most importantly, you live in close quarters. Certainly your friend group is of a certain size, but you also have a massive acquaintance circle full of people that you know in connection to your coursework. This acquaintance group isn’t one that you necessarily hang out with all the time, but you do greet each other in passing. College is full of social connectedness.
One of the most difficult transitions that any young adult makes after graduation is the emotional loneliness and solitude of the adult world. Certainly there are new levels of freedom, but along with that freedom comes the necessity of work in order to pay bills and to support oneself. Further, now that you’re no longer living so close to all of your friends, you find that your number of friendships drops precipitously, especially if you’ve moved to a new town. Months after graduation, there will be a large subset of your college friends with whom your only interaction is seeing stories about them pop up on Facebook. It’s important to stop putting time into relationships that are going nowhere. It may be time to edit your friendships.
From time to time, it’s ok to cut the line on a friendship. You have a limited amount of time to devote to your social life, and so when you sink time into friendships that are over, it can be detrimental to your current and future relationships. It’s ok to move on, appreciating the value that a friendship had for a time, while respecting the needs and opportunities of your new friendships. This can be especially challenging when you felt a strong bond with someone, but it seems that all of the effort to keep a friendship going is coming from your side.
When considering which friendships to edit, be patient and deliberate. Edit first the relationships that have been over for a long time. Give everyone a chance to move through what might be nothing more than an extraordinarily busy time in their lives. Editing friendships shouldn’t be a knee-jerk reaction. Rather, it should be a fair and just determination based on the facts. I’m not suggesting a “You’re dead to me” approach. In fact, I’d strongly urge you to not sever ties, simply stop making efforts to keep things going. At the same time, be open to a friendship naturally being rekindled at some point in the future.
While admitting that a friendship is over can be difficult, especially if you’ve shared many personal things with someone, appreciate the purpose that they served. A friend may have counseled you on a career move, helped you through relational struggles, or been with you at a time of grief. Be thankful for the fruit that a relationship bore and for the opportunity to share a part of your life with someone. Understand also what role you might have played in their life and how that helped you grow as a person.
When life has changed and relationships become inactive, divert your precious resources to new and current friendships. People deserve to have your full attention and efforts at forming new bonds, not someone who’s stuck in the past. Be ok with editing friendships from time to time, understanding that your renewed efforts will help your friendships of today blossom.
Confront Fear
One of the more popular topics in the blogosphere lately is fear. More and more, people who’ve achieved some degree of celebrity have turned the spotlight onto the crippling fear that we all face when we chase our dreams. This light is being used to show that even people who seem to have it all, who are at the top of their game, had to battle it out with their own fears of inadequacy in order to reach their goal. Fear is paralyzing, but often is unfounded.
Fear’s growth is more of a small creep. It’s slow, methodical, and frankly, genius. It knows how to mask itself as humility or as some sort of savior, protecting us from public embarrassment or shame. We give fear way too much credit, often seeing it as a friend instead of the adversary that it truly is. We give it power and influence over us that it doesn’t deserve. As a result, we limit ourselves. We stop chasing a dream that could be really good for us. We stop pursing an interest that would help people. We stop doing what we love over the trivial thought that not everyone will love and adore our work as we do.
We’ve got to get out of the people pleasing business. No matter what your skill, talent, or dream is, it can’t be for everyone. The business side of you will want to expand your audience as large as you can in order to maximize profitability. The problem is, when your audience is too big, you reach no one. You stop responding to the very real and personal problems that each person faces and instead you have to over generalize. When your impact is reduced, ironically, so is your audience. Instead of trying to grab every person’s attention, focus on an audience, and do amazing work. The quality of your work will inspire people at the fringes who will engage your audience. For example, when I write for Catholic husbands and fathers, I might not reach all of them. But, when I write for them and inspire readers who may be wives, they might turn their husbands on to Catholic Husband, and in that way I reach my target audience.
The thing about fear is that it’s a coward. It dissipates the moment we call it out. A strong dose of reality instantly dismisses fear. Reality shows that fear has been lying to you. We see the true size of the danger or the possibility of failure and it’s minuscule compared to what fear told us. In the light, we can see what the darkness truly conceals; there’s never a monster hiding under your bed.
Living a life in fear is a terrible existence. We’re robbed of fun, we’re robbed of spice, and we’re robbed of the true joy that comes with chasing our dreams. I face fear on a daily basis and it tells me that my writing isn’t good enough. It tells me that my book isn’t worth the paper that it’s written on. It tells me that tomorrow is a better day for getting work done. But I know the truth. I know how much fun it is to write, create, and share Catholic Husband. I know the excitement of watching a book come together, the joy of making the website a treat to visit, and the fun that comes with putting my thoughts to paper. I may not be a best seller today, but I will certainly never be one if I don’t try. I may not have the greatest ability to share my thoughts today, but I won’t grow as a writer unless I practice now. I may not sell 1,000 copies of my book this year, but I might sell 10,000 of my next book.
Fear is a lousy friend. Chase your dream, pursue your passion, and live your life boldly.
3 Ways to Pamper Your Wife this Weekend
Weekends are a great time for some TLC. After a long week, often spent apart, the weekends afford us down time to spend as we please with our family. Hopefully you spend most of the weekend with your wife by working together on chores and projects, having a date night, or even something as simple as being in the same room together. The weekend is also a great opportunity to pamper your wife.
Pampering your wife really isn’t a new idea on this blog. We’ve gone over plenty of ways to treat your wife with the tenderness and affection that she so richly deserves. Yet, life can very easily squeeze the time and energy out of us, leaving the pampering on a “someday, maybe” list. Consider this a gentle reminder that showing your wife your love and affection needs to be on a priority list for today, not on a list that you’ll probably never get around to. With that in mind, here are three simple things you can do to really take care of your wife this week. She’s going to love this.
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Do the laundry
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Give her a back massage
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Get the kids ready for Mass
That’s it. In total, you’ll probably spend no more than an hour of your weekend (that’s 1/48th or .021% of your weekend) on these three things, but the investment will pay dividends. Taking good care of your wife is as much about her as it is about you. Humbling ourselves to give up our precious time for the sake of our wives reminds us that she’s a gift to us. It also reminds us of our universal call to love her as Christ loved the Church.
Take a look at your schedule this weekend, free up some time, and pamper your wife. You’ll both be glad that you did.
At Home in Church
I try to make it to Confession at least once a month and typically end up making it about twice per month. With the long lines at my parish, I have lots of time to think and meditate while I wait for my turn to receive absolution and a fresh start. I usually go on Saturday mornings when Confessions are heard right after the morning Mass. While in line, I’m able to observe fellow parishioners and their families soak up the replenishment that God’s house offers. I feel a real sense of peace waiting in that line, one that reminds me that God’s house is my home.
Our parishes are a safe refuge in the turmoil of the world. In the summer’s oppressive heat, they’re always delightfully cool. In the winter’s bitter cold, they radiate warmth. In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, with all of the pressures and responsibilities that go with it, the Church is still, calm, and peacefully quiet. I hope that when you’re at Mass, you’re able to experience this peace without the demands of your life disrupting your meditation and pulling you back into the stresses of your life.
Have you ever been in your parish when there wasn’t anything going on? A random drop in on a Tuesday afternoon or at another time when you just stopped by to take a break and say hello to Jesus? There’s something truly magical about these times in a Church. While Alison’s family was in town, we visited the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, DC. We were there on a Tuesday afternoon and the massive church was filled with only a few pilgrims. The sun’s rays poured in through the windows and the entire marble Cathedral was still. The beautiful mosaics glimmered as light bounced around and the whole atmosphere was one of rest. There was no noise, except for Benedict’s babbling, and there was no distraction. It was a place of peace, a place of prayer… it was home.
Churches are designed to connect us to our Creator. Their structural design and their interior design are all guided towards this end. Your Church may be physically laid out like a cross and adorned with stained glass windows depicting lives of the saints. Your Church may be physically laid out like a simple rectangle, but the interior design subtly draws you from the back of the church towards the altar. In the tabernacle God dwells among us, always waiting and ever present. At any time you can walk in, sit down, and pray in front of God Himself. What a wonderful thing!
We’re blessed to have a safe haven in our parishes. Many countries around the world do not share this same status. We can go to Mass and not worry about armed gunmen coming to abduct us, or an errant round of artillery falling on the roof. We experience an open and welcoming place, even if not from our fellow parishioners, from God Himself, welcoming us into His home. Truly, our parishes are like a home in every way, except that sleep is generally frowned upon.
We have so many stresses and pressures assailing us from the moment we get out of bed until we close our eyes at night. Let’s resolve to make better use of our parishes as places of peace and prayer. Let’s spend more than an hour a week in these wonderful places that are more that just buildings, and instead are places of rest in a desert of struggle.
Managing Notifications
A few weeks ago, I noticed a drop in my productivity. I took a few days to consider the root cause of why I wasn’t being as productive as I thought I should be. I have anywhere between four and eight hours a day when Benedict is napping in which to work and take care of other household tasks. In the past, I’d been able to eke out five to six hours of work without any problems, the rest of the time dedicated to reading, cleaning, or other tasks that popped up. Yet, lately, I’d been having a real problem getting to even just three hours of work. Then it hit me, I was being constantly derailed by notifications on my phone.
Notifications can be a great thing, letting you know when an app needs your attention. For example, notifications might let you know that your mom is calling, that your wife texted you, or that you have a calendar appointment. Yet, if you really dig into this feature, you’ll notice that you’re getting a lot of notifications that you don’t need. Most apps have some sort of notification functionality built into them, but for most of us, the notifications are neither important nor are they necessary. It’s important for you to put up barriers in order to protect your time, productivity, and attention.
I decided to take a few minutes, sit down with all of my devices and adjust my notification settings. It’s important to not just update the settings on your phone. Your tablet and computer likely also have some form of notifications capability, so managing the settings on all of your devices is required. After all, if you’re doing lots of work on your computer, a popup there can be just as detrimental as your phone making a noise at you.
As you go over the settings for each application, ask yourself, “What is worthy of my immediate attention?” You likely don’t need to know in the moment that someone has sent you a pin on Pinterest, or that certain apps have been updated. You will want to know when a task is due, an event is starting, or when someone is calling you. A companion question is, “What can I get on my own time?” You likely check all of your apps that provide the most notifications regardless of whether or not you’ve received a notification. For example, I’ll check Tweetbot several times a day, even if no one has DM’d or mentioned me. So, I can confidently turn off Tweetbot notifications knowing that I’ll see any new information in a reasonable amount of time. Another aspect to consider when working on making these changes is what types of notifications are available to you. Some may be audible, others may be silent. In this example, I’ve turned off the audible Tweetbot notifications, but left the text ones enabled so that, when I do pick up my phone, I can see any updates that I’ve requested. At the same time, I’ve turned off all Pinterest notifications because they’re less important to me.
Changing your notification settings represents a paradigm shift. You may no longer see a little red dot with a number on an app and therefore, based on your previous method of checking for updates, may perceive that there’s nothing to see in that app. However, the only reason there isn’t an app update badge is because you turned it off! In this new paradigm, you go out and actively get information when the time is right for you. So don’t forget to do it!
Through the simple process of updating your notifications, you’ll get back a piece of your day that you’d been losing to unimportant things. Every app developer wants you to believe that their app is more important than anything that you’re doing right now, and most of them are wrong. Be proactive about managing your apps and take back your day.
Valentine’s Day Isn’t Over
I made a huge mistake last year. In honor of Alison’s birthday, I coordinated among our family to give her an awesome present: her own coffee bar. She was getting ready to begin practicing medicine and I knew two things: Alison loves coffee and physicians need coffee. We got her an espresso machine, a wall-mounted coffee bar, coffee, and everything else that she’d need to have her very own, very fun coffee bar. Then I made a bonehead move. The excitement and anticipation overwhelmed me and I had her open all of her presents before her birthday. Her big day came, and there was nothing left. Whomp.
Each day is a new opportunity to show your wife your love and affection. While Valentine’s Day has long since passed, it’s anything but over.
There are two types of opportunity in our life: given and created. Given opportunities are ones that her actions or needs make known. She has a sore throat, so you make a special trip out to get her throat lozenges. She always likes to have water on her nightstand, so you get it for her each night. There are also given opportunities when you can change the outcome of a situation, like not escalating a fight. Created opportunities are ones that you yourself make into reality. These are quick wins and are often small acts of love. Cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, serving her at dinner. All of these created opportunities are ones that aren’t needs, per se, but are still chances to show love and affection.
Your marriage is a delicate garden that needs constant supervision and love in order to avoid becoming overgrown. Your wife needs romance daily, not just one day per year. I’m talking about real romance, not sexual romance. Women put a premium on connectedness and daily romance is highly prized in your wife’s mind. It could take the form of a sit-down dinner, a nice hug, or even cuddling. These things do take time, and as men, we can always find new ways to maximize our time. Time spent on romance isn’t about value, it’s about investment. We invest time in our marriage and then mutually reap the benefits.
Signs of love renew our wedding vows. Of course, sex renews our vows most completely, but other, lesser acts, still achieve some small part. Time, acts of service, physical contact, and quality communication all bring a breath of fresh air into your marriage and with it, happiness and fidelity.
Valentine’s Day is a great starting point, and it’s impossible to live every day with that level of intensity. However, every day we should be in the mindset of Valentine’s Day. We love, we serve, and we demonstrate our affection. Through daily opportunities, both given and created, you can have the quality marriage that both you and your wife deserve.
Be Aware of Your Example
One of the books that I’ve read this year was Eat Mor Chikin: Inspire More People by Truett Cathy. The book was Truett’s way of sharing his thoughts on business, how he built Chick-fil-a into a national brand, and how he treats people. In the book, Truett tells a story about a man who sat down next to him on a plane and inquired about how to keep his teenage kids on the straight and narrow. While he was listening to Truett, he ordered a beer. Truett asked if he drank beer in front of his kids and intimated the importance of the example set by this gentleman for his children.
One of the most common axioms in parenting today is, “More is caught than taught.” Essentially, modern parenting stresses the fact that children are always watching, learning more about how to behave based on the behaviors of their parents than the actual words or lessons being shared with them. While it can be a daunting thought to consider that your children are learning mainly from your own example, it can also be the catalyst to make behavior changes that you’ve always wanted to make.
Many of us have added a few words to our vocabulary that we wish we hadn’t. Along with these unsavory words have been developed some acceptable alternatives that amount to speaking nonsense, such as “heck” and “shoot." Yet, from time to time, a word that we wish we hadn’t spoken comes first out of our mouths and then out of our children’s. This attitude that you’re constantly being observed might be the right motivation to get you to a point where you finally eliminate words that you don’t want from your vocabulary. The same goes for your TV, movie, and book choices. There’s nothing wrong with a toddler watching a show not aimed at them, but you just might find yourself horrified at the thought of your child seeing the level of violence or sexuality on constant display in some of those programs.
As we start to make these changes, some of which are changes to behavior that have been ingrained in us for years, it’s important for us to be reminded of the role that grace plays in our lives. We have to be patient with ourselves when we make mistakes. We also have to share that grace with our kids. Children need firm discipline, but not a tyrant. They need to have boundaries enforced, but also need to be smothered in love. When you make a mistake, give yourself a bit of grace, and if your child witnesses your mistake, explain to them why that was wrong. If your child makes a mistake, especially one learned from your behaviors, help them understand why that particular behavior isn’t acceptable.
Parenting is a daily struggle on two fronts. We battle our own bad habits and we battle to rightly form an entirely new person. Be aware of the example you give and let grace cover your mistakes and those of your children.
The Burden of Freedom
Freedom is a wonderful thing. Since you’re reading this, you’re one of the lucky ones who has the freedom to use the Internet. You have the freedom to read uncensored content. You have the freedom to determine the course of your life. As Catholics, we also have freedom. We can choose the right or the wrong. We can do good or we can do evil. Freedom, in all of its glory, is morally neutral. In fact, freedom is a curse if you can’t control yourself.
Freedom is nothing without personal responsibility. We all have the opportunity to break laws and commit felonies, but personal responsibility demands that we conform our actions to just laws. We all have the opportunity to commit grave sin, but personal responsibility demands that we conform our actions to the direction of our rightly formed conscience. Addictions take away our freedom and make us subject to base desires. This lack of control becomes a curse as all of our actions and choices are determined by that which holds greatest sway over us.
Interestingly, unbridled freedom leads to a deep sense of unhappiness. Unbridled freedom allows us to hurt people and to act contrary to our own well being. We become consumed with self-centeredness, greed, and envy. We make choices that work against us. In some sense, while we don’t have unbridled freedom in society, we do have it in our morality. We’re given aids and controls through our faith, but it’s up to us to employ them. Our morality is given to us unbridled and it’s up to us to restrain it appropriately. God wants what’s best for you, and the boundaries that He suggests will do just that. It’s when we go outside of those boundaries that we become unhappy.
When it comes to happiness, good begets good. Like a good day that just keeps getting better, happiness tends to snowball. When it gets big enough, even the bad things that happen are minimized. Choosing the good and having control over oneself results in continuously happier outcomes. When we choose to reject unbridled freedom and instead insert personal responsibility into our morality and decision making, we experience the natural lift of good actions and choices stacked on top of each other.
Freedom is a burden for those who can’t control it. By adopting positive boundaries and embracing personal responsibility, we can maintain control over our lives and grow in peace, happiness, and joy.
For Granted
In life, it becomes incredibly easy to take things for granted. Small joys and simple pleasures tend to melt into the background after their initial newness fades. Something as wonderfully cute as a snoring baby can amount to little if we don’t consciously take a moment to enjoy it.
We spend most of our time looking forward or looking backward. We want to reach that next step, it will be better. We want to look at the past, it was better. When we do this, we forget to enjoy the here and now. When we spend too much time looking forward or backward, we miss out on the opportunities and joys that today has in store for us.
Our children are only young for so long. Your wife won’t be around forever. Don’t allow yourself to take the most precious things in your life for granted. These treasures are meant to be enjoyed.
Live today and be grateful for all of the little things that you have.
Peace Starts at Home
When we were younger, my brother and I fought. A lot. This was to the benefit of my sister, since our punishment was typically to work together cleaning the kitchen, meaning she had months of practically no kitchen cleaning chores. I remember, after one disagreement, my dad telling us, “If we can’t have peace at home, how can we expect to have peace in the world?” Following the news of the conflict in the Ukraine makes me grateful to be an American. I’m grateful that we have safety and security in our own homes and neighborhoods and don’t go to sleep at night afraid that our house will accidentally be shelled by artillery.
Our world has a vast array of cultures, ethnicities, and modes of thought. Each of us carries our own unique worldview, which has been informed by our upbringing and experiences. What my dad told my brother and I all those years ago still rings true today; in order to end violence and hatred in the world, we must start in our homes.
At the end of the day, you control you. You control your emotions and reactions to any given situation. You decide how you’ll act and how you’ll respond. Whether it be a potential conflict with your wife, child, coworker, or neighbor, it’s up to you to choose your actions. There’s a growing interest in scientific research into the reaction of the brain to outbursts of anger. Toxins are released into the body which, long term, can contribute to poor health. Even when a great injustice is done to you, you can still choose to patiently, calmly, and forcefully, respond. Although no one would argue that it’s an easy choice.
If we can’t have peace at home, where can we? Our single biggest opportunity to influence the world for the better is through our children. Kids take all of their cues from their parents, which means that if you model a strong, calm demeanor, they’ll take note. Families also provide a great opportunity for us to be able to learn how to work with people. As a microcosm of society, the family gives us a small playground to test out emotions and reactions to different situations. Often, we respond poorly, and need to make amends. At other times, however, we can respond with the strength and calm that we espouse, and can see the real, immediate impact. It’s of the utmost importance that we labor endlessly to foster and promote peace in our family. After all, if the proverbial world peace cannot be achieved, we can at least make progress in our tiny corner of the world.
Not surprisingly, attitudes towards people are generally formed in one’s youth. In today’s society, those attitudes most often are formed with a political basis. A family who are members of one political party will trash talk the opposing party and the child will likely assume the political views of their parents. In some cases, there may even be a degree of racism passed on. We can help stop the cycle with the next generation. The struggle will be overcoming our own views and presenting a clean view to our children. Instead of teaching kids that they’re entitled to something or should be given certain advantages because of past injustices, we should teach them to have pride in who they are and to share their story with the world.
We will not have peace anywhere until we can have peace in our homes. By better controlling our reactions, modeling good behavior for our kids, and teaching them to have pride in their heritage, we can bring peace to the world, home by home, block by block, and community by community.