How to Allocate Charitable Dollars
I love the hum of the mail truck. Although we live on a busy street, there’s a particular sound that the mail truck makes as it rumbles down the road. It’s a low hum combined with short bursts of acceleration as it moves from box to box. Even if I’m in the back of the house, I can usually hear when the mail has arrived in the early afternoon. Several days a week, our mailbox is filled with charitable solicitations. In the Christmas season, it gets even more intense. I don’t mind receiving these mailings and we give each request due consideration.
Alison and I have found a model of allocating charitable dollars that works for us. Essentially our guiding principle is that we need to be intentional with every dollar. That intentionality makes the whole giving process a lot of fun.
There are two strategies when it comes to making charitable contributions: share the wealth and big splash. A share the wealth strategy is when your family makes small donations to many organizations. The dollars that you’ve earmarked for giving are spread among numerous organizations and causes. The big splash approach is when you make bigger donations to fewer organizations. Your family isn’t involved in a wide variety of causes, but rather is helping in a more significant way one or two causes that are tightly aligned with your values. Neither approach is better than the other, but I’ll bet that your family falls into one of the two approaches.
We have a moral duty to manage our charitable dollars well. When we make a donation, we have to ensure that the money will do the most good. That means that research should be done before any contribution is made to ensure that dollars end up in the form of resources distributed to beneficiaries and not entirely in marketing. Certainly nonprofits need to spend a percentage of gifts on things necessary for smooth and growing reach, such as salaries, office supplies, and mailings. However, a careful balance must be struck in order for an organization to be worthy of your money.
It’s best to have some rules for allocation. Identify the types of causes that your family will support, perhaps 3-5, and only give to organizations working in those causes, with few exceptions. You can also have rules that help you to vet organizations, such as political action, operating budgets, leadership, and 3rd party ratings. There are countless charities, with new ones being started every day, and a simple set of rules will help you filter through to the organizations that you really can get behind.
Giving is one of the most fun things that you can do with money and I’m always excited when Alison and I start writing checks in our budget committee meeting. Have some ground rules in place to make sure that your charitable dollars help the most people.
Sunday Afternoons
I love Sunday afternoons. Many people don’t really like them since they start to feel the Monday creep, but for me, I find them to be incredibly relaxing. All of the housework was done on Saturday, leaving the docket completely clear on Sunday. These wonderful afternoons are also the perfect time for some much needed family time.
As I’ve written in the past, I’ve made the move to keep Sunday as a day of rest, meaning that everything chore that needs to get done on the weekend, I take care of by Saturday evening. If you have kids in school, for them it means getting both chores and homework done by the end of the day on Saturday. Perhaps one of the biggest contributors to the Monday creep on Sunday is that there are loose ends that didn’t get tied off. If you must work over the weekend, get it out of the way as soon as you can so that you can clear your head and just focus on relaxation.
Sunday afternoon should be a standing appointment on your whole family’s calendar; nothing else should be allowed. If kids want to hang out with their friends or go to a movie, they have Friday night and all day Saturday to do it. Sunday is sacred, not just in a spiritual sense, but also in a family sense. It should be set apart from the other six days for your family to be together.
The way that your family spends Sunday is totally up to you and it should vary widely. Morning will most likely be devoted to Mass and breakfast. No matter how early you get to Mass, you’ll still probably find that by time everything with breakfast is over, it’ll be near noon. That means that the afternoon is your time for family activity. It should not only vary by week, but also by season. In the spring, summer, and fall, you should do as much in the great outdoors as possible. Go to a park or playground, go on a hike, explore some eco-tourism, play at the beach, float down a river, or any other number of things. In the winter months you may ski or snowboard, but more likely you’ll all want to stay inside where it’s warm. This is the time to go the movies (or watch one at home), play board games, read together, cook together, or do similar activities together.
The family is the second most important relationship that your children will have in their lifetimes. The only way to grow a relationship is to spend quality time together and Sunday afternoons afford the perfect opportunity for just that. Migrate your family’s schedules to a reserved Sunday schedule and enjoy God’s day as a day of rest and recreation for your family, free from the burdens and stress of the rest of the week.
You’re Irreplaceable
One June evening in 1996, I was almost left without a father. My dad was deployed in Saudi Arabia when the barracks next to his was bombed by terrorists. As I think back on that night, though I was quite young, I’m grateful that my dad was not among the 19 killed in action that night. While our culture doesn’t put a premium on the impact that a great dad can have on a kid’s life, the fact remains that no one can take your place. You’re uniquely and perfectly suited for your wife. Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life, more important than that of yours with your children and more important than your relationship with your parents. Certainly these relationships are in a very close second place, but nothing will ever be as important as your marital relationship. It’s the spring from which blessings flow, and no one can take that place of honor.
You loved your children first. You’re their father and they need your unique gifts. More than that, they need your guidance, your firm discipline, and your tender love. Their mother is able to offer them love and gifts in her unique way, but they also need to receive it from you. In that way, you and your wife complement each other, providing for your kids in a holistic approach. Since you’re irreplaceable, you need to act like it. Be involved in their lives. Be present in all ways: physically, emotionally, spiritually. If no one can take your place, then it’s up to you to do your best to meet those needs. Rise to the occasion, and be an awesome husband and father.
The role of husband and the role of father aren’t for the faint of heart. Stand up and do something.
Book Review: Marriage
Last December, during one of our regular visits to my parent’s house, my dad handed me a book of his to read. This happens from time to time; a book that he got a great deal out of will end up in my temporary library to enjoy. Since I’ve committed to a habit of regular reading this year, my book queue is able to take on these random offerings. The latest book he recommended to me was What is Marriage? Man and Woman: A Defense by Sherif Girgis, Ryan Anderson, and Robert George. Published in 2012, Drs. Anderson, George, and doctoral candidate Girgis lay out a reasoned, logical, and thoughtful argument for what has been termed “traditional marriage,” for the sake of this article and blog, we’ll just call it marriage.
Reading this book, I was profoundly struck by many aspects of the work, from the approach to the solid logic. In 97 pages, these authors succinctly laid out a defense of marriage without any dependance on any particular religion, rather, by relying on philosophy, logic, and social science. Unlike most of the “arguments” on marriage today and the op-eds with pseudo-logical arguments that devolve into nothing more than attacks ad hominem, against the man, What is Marriage? refuses to lower itself to this new low of public discourse. Instead, the work argues for marriage against all attempts to revise its definition, not merely against any one person or revisionist viewpoint.
The authors point out one of the reasons why it seems that arguments for marriage are much weaker to the public than those arguing for a revisionist view of marriage. Astoundingly, marriage can be found in every culture in an almost identical framework, regardless of religion or political structure of a society and culture. As such, there hasn’t been a need, even until the past three decades of the human experience, to develop a cogent argument for it’s benefits since they were completely self-evident. Marriage provided stability for children, growth for society, and pressure for men to help with the raising of children they have begotten. However, as challenges to marriage have recently arisen, the need to articulate the unique properties of marriage has become urgent.
This book isn’t about same-sex “marriage.” In fact, it spends almost no time at all discussing the issue. Instead, as the title suggests, it reviews the basic question of “What is Marriage?” It goes over the fundamental aspects of what makes a marriage, including the organic bodily union (sex), its permanence as a stabilizing factor, and a complete rejection of the notion that marriage is based solely on intensity of emotion. It also views the consequences of a legal implementation of a revisionist view of marriage which eerily mirrors the warnings of Pope Paul VI’s Humanae Vitae against contraception, all of which have come to pass.
While this book provides the most cogent and well researched argument for marriage, on either side of the issue, I found that it isn’t simply a scholarly work designed to rebuff poor logic. Reading it, I found myself inspired in my vocation and further in awe of the Sacramental marriage that I entered into with Alison. I saw my role as husband and father to be more unique and more sublime. By examining the philosophical underpinnings of marriage, and relating them to the experiences of people in every culture throughout time, I found a deeper sense of satisfaction as being a part of the institution of marriage. I better understood my role in society and the value of the support that I lend to Alison in raising Benedict.
What Is Marriage? is about more than defending an argument, it’s about affirming and educating married people. It helps us to more deeply understand what our marriage truly is, why the organic bodily union is so important, and how we’re helping to build our society. It will also help you teach your kids why marriage is different and what it takes to have a great marriage.
I highly recommend you pick up a copy of What is Marriage? This book will affirm you, it will inform you, and it will help you grow in your marriage. Sadly, we’ve stopped putting a premium on logic in debate, but this book will show you how rich and powerful sound logic can truly be.
Editing Friendships
College is the gilded age of friendships. At no other point in your life are you more fully immersed in your peer group. You live together en masse, you share numerous experiences in the forms of classes, exams, campus jobs, and events. Most importantly, you live in close quarters. Certainly your friend group is of a certain size, but you also have a massive acquaintance circle full of people that you know in connection to your coursework. This acquaintance group isn’t one that you necessarily hang out with all the time, but you do greet each other in passing. College is full of social connectedness.
One of the most difficult transitions that any young adult makes after graduation is the emotional loneliness and solitude of the adult world. Certainly there are new levels of freedom, but along with that freedom comes the necessity of work in order to pay bills and to support oneself. Further, now that you’re no longer living so close to all of your friends, you find that your number of friendships drops precipitously, especially if you’ve moved to a new town. Months after graduation, there will be a large subset of your college friends with whom your only interaction is seeing stories about them pop up on Facebook. It’s important to stop putting time into relationships that are going nowhere. It may be time to edit your friendships.
From time to time, it’s ok to cut the line on a friendship. You have a limited amount of time to devote to your social life, and so when you sink time into friendships that are over, it can be detrimental to your current and future relationships. It’s ok to move on, appreciating the value that a friendship had for a time, while respecting the needs and opportunities of your new friendships. This can be especially challenging when you felt a strong bond with someone, but it seems that all of the effort to keep a friendship going is coming from your side.
When considering which friendships to edit, be patient and deliberate. Edit first the relationships that have been over for a long time. Give everyone a chance to move through what might be nothing more than an extraordinarily busy time in their lives. Editing friendships shouldn’t be a knee-jerk reaction. Rather, it should be a fair and just determination based on the facts. I’m not suggesting a “You’re dead to me” approach. In fact, I’d strongly urge you to not sever ties, simply stop making efforts to keep things going. At the same time, be open to a friendship naturally being rekindled at some point in the future.
While admitting that a friendship is over can be difficult, especially if you’ve shared many personal things with someone, appreciate the purpose that they served. A friend may have counseled you on a career move, helped you through relational struggles, or been with you at a time of grief. Be thankful for the fruit that a relationship bore and for the opportunity to share a part of your life with someone. Understand also what role you might have played in their life and how that helped you grow as a person.
When life has changed and relationships become inactive, divert your precious resources to new and current friendships. People deserve to have your full attention and efforts at forming new bonds, not someone who’s stuck in the past. Be ok with editing friendships from time to time, understanding that your renewed efforts will help your friendships of today blossom.
Confront Fear
One of the more popular topics in the blogosphere lately is fear. More and more, people who’ve achieved some degree of celebrity have turned the spotlight onto the crippling fear that we all face when we chase our dreams. This light is being used to show that even people who seem to have it all, who are at the top of their game, had to battle it out with their own fears of inadequacy in order to reach their goal. Fear is paralyzing, but often is unfounded.
Fear’s growth is more of a small creep. It’s slow, methodical, and frankly, genius. It knows how to mask itself as humility or as some sort of savior, protecting us from public embarrassment or shame. We give fear way too much credit, often seeing it as a friend instead of the adversary that it truly is. We give it power and influence over us that it doesn’t deserve. As a result, we limit ourselves. We stop chasing a dream that could be really good for us. We stop pursing an interest that would help people. We stop doing what we love over the trivial thought that not everyone will love and adore our work as we do.
We’ve got to get out of the people pleasing business. No matter what your skill, talent, or dream is, it can’t be for everyone. The business side of you will want to expand your audience as large as you can in order to maximize profitability. The problem is, when your audience is too big, you reach no one. You stop responding to the very real and personal problems that each person faces and instead you have to over generalize. When your impact is reduced, ironically, so is your audience. Instead of trying to grab every person’s attention, focus on an audience, and do amazing work. The quality of your work will inspire people at the fringes who will engage your audience. For example, when I write for Catholic husbands and fathers, I might not reach all of them. But, when I write for them and inspire readers who may be wives, they might turn their husbands on to Catholic Husband, and in that way I reach my target audience.
The thing about fear is that it’s a coward. It dissipates the moment we call it out. A strong dose of reality instantly dismisses fear. Reality shows that fear has been lying to you. We see the true size of the danger or the possibility of failure and it’s minuscule compared to what fear told us. In the light, we can see what the darkness truly conceals; there’s never a monster hiding under your bed.
Living a life in fear is a terrible existence. We’re robbed of fun, we’re robbed of spice, and we’re robbed of the true joy that comes with chasing our dreams. I face fear on a daily basis and it tells me that my writing isn’t good enough. It tells me that my book isn’t worth the paper that it’s written on. It tells me that tomorrow is a better day for getting work done. But I know the truth. I know how much fun it is to write, create, and share Catholic Husband. I know the excitement of watching a book come together, the joy of making the website a treat to visit, and the fun that comes with putting my thoughts to paper. I may not be a best seller today, but I will certainly never be one if I don’t try. I may not have the greatest ability to share my thoughts today, but I won’t grow as a writer unless I practice now. I may not sell 1,000 copies of my book this year, but I might sell 10,000 of my next book.
Fear is a lousy friend. Chase your dream, pursue your passion, and live your life boldly.
3 Ways to Pamper Your Wife this Weekend
Weekends are a great time for some TLC. After a long week, often spent apart, the weekends afford us down time to spend as we please with our family. Hopefully you spend most of the weekend with your wife by working together on chores and projects, having a date night, or even something as simple as being in the same room together. The weekend is also a great opportunity to pamper your wife.
Pampering your wife really isn’t a new idea on this blog. We’ve gone over plenty of ways to treat your wife with the tenderness and affection that she so richly deserves. Yet, life can very easily squeeze the time and energy out of us, leaving the pampering on a “someday, maybe” list. Consider this a gentle reminder that showing your wife your love and affection needs to be on a priority list for today, not on a list that you’ll probably never get around to. With that in mind, here are three simple things you can do to really take care of your wife this week. She’s going to love this.
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Do the laundry
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Give her a back massage
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Get the kids ready for Mass
That’s it. In total, you’ll probably spend no more than an hour of your weekend (that’s 1/48th or .021% of your weekend) on these three things, but the investment will pay dividends. Taking good care of your wife is as much about her as it is about you. Humbling ourselves to give up our precious time for the sake of our wives reminds us that she’s a gift to us. It also reminds us of our universal call to love her as Christ loved the Church.
Take a look at your schedule this weekend, free up some time, and pamper your wife. You’ll both be glad that you did.
At Home in Church
I try to make it to Confession at least once a month and typically end up making it about twice per month. With the long lines at my parish, I have lots of time to think and meditate while I wait for my turn to receive absolution and a fresh start. I usually go on Saturday mornings when Confessions are heard right after the morning Mass. While in line, I’m able to observe fellow parishioners and their families soak up the replenishment that God’s house offers. I feel a real sense of peace waiting in that line, one that reminds me that God’s house is my home.
Our parishes are a safe refuge in the turmoil of the world. In the summer’s oppressive heat, they’re always delightfully cool. In the winter’s bitter cold, they radiate warmth. In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, with all of the pressures and responsibilities that go with it, the Church is still, calm, and peacefully quiet. I hope that when you’re at Mass, you’re able to experience this peace without the demands of your life disrupting your meditation and pulling you back into the stresses of your life.
Have you ever been in your parish when there wasn’t anything going on? A random drop in on a Tuesday afternoon or at another time when you just stopped by to take a break and say hello to Jesus? There’s something truly magical about these times in a Church. While Alison’s family was in town, we visited the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, DC. We were there on a Tuesday afternoon and the massive church was filled with only a few pilgrims. The sun’s rays poured in through the windows and the entire marble Cathedral was still. The beautiful mosaics glimmered as light bounced around and the whole atmosphere was one of rest. There was no noise, except for Benedict’s babbling, and there was no distraction. It was a place of peace, a place of prayer… it was home.
Churches are designed to connect us to our Creator. Their structural design and their interior design are all guided towards this end. Your Church may be physically laid out like a cross and adorned with stained glass windows depicting lives of the saints. Your Church may be physically laid out like a simple rectangle, but the interior design subtly draws you from the back of the church towards the altar. In the tabernacle God dwells among us, always waiting and ever present. At any time you can walk in, sit down, and pray in front of God Himself. What a wonderful thing!
We’re blessed to have a safe haven in our parishes. Many countries around the world do not share this same status. We can go to Mass and not worry about armed gunmen coming to abduct us, or an errant round of artillery falling on the roof. We experience an open and welcoming place, even if not from our fellow parishioners, from God Himself, welcoming us into His home. Truly, our parishes are like a home in every way, except that sleep is generally frowned upon.
We have so many stresses and pressures assailing us from the moment we get out of bed until we close our eyes at night. Let’s resolve to make better use of our parishes as places of peace and prayer. Let’s spend more than an hour a week in these wonderful places that are more that just buildings, and instead are places of rest in a desert of struggle.
Managing Notifications
A few weeks ago, I noticed a drop in my productivity. I took a few days to consider the root cause of why I wasn’t being as productive as I thought I should be. I have anywhere between four and eight hours a day when Benedict is napping in which to work and take care of other household tasks. In the past, I’d been able to eke out five to six hours of work without any problems, the rest of the time dedicated to reading, cleaning, or other tasks that popped up. Yet, lately, I’d been having a real problem getting to even just three hours of work. Then it hit me, I was being constantly derailed by notifications on my phone.
Notifications can be a great thing, letting you know when an app needs your attention. For example, notifications might let you know that your mom is calling, that your wife texted you, or that you have a calendar appointment. Yet, if you really dig into this feature, you’ll notice that you’re getting a lot of notifications that you don’t need. Most apps have some sort of notification functionality built into them, but for most of us, the notifications are neither important nor are they necessary. It’s important for you to put up barriers in order to protect your time, productivity, and attention.
I decided to take a few minutes, sit down with all of my devices and adjust my notification settings. It’s important to not just update the settings on your phone. Your tablet and computer likely also have some form of notifications capability, so managing the settings on all of your devices is required. After all, if you’re doing lots of work on your computer, a popup there can be just as detrimental as your phone making a noise at you.
As you go over the settings for each application, ask yourself, “What is worthy of my immediate attention?” You likely don’t need to know in the moment that someone has sent you a pin on Pinterest, or that certain apps have been updated. You will want to know when a task is due, an event is starting, or when someone is calling you. A companion question is, “What can I get on my own time?” You likely check all of your apps that provide the most notifications regardless of whether or not you’ve received a notification. For example, I’ll check Tweetbot several times a day, even if no one has DM’d or mentioned me. So, I can confidently turn off Tweetbot notifications knowing that I’ll see any new information in a reasonable amount of time. Another aspect to consider when working on making these changes is what types of notifications are available to you. Some may be audible, others may be silent. In this example, I’ve turned off the audible Tweetbot notifications, but left the text ones enabled so that, when I do pick up my phone, I can see any updates that I’ve requested. At the same time, I’ve turned off all Pinterest notifications because they’re less important to me.
Changing your notification settings represents a paradigm shift. You may no longer see a little red dot with a number on an app and therefore, based on your previous method of checking for updates, may perceive that there’s nothing to see in that app. However, the only reason there isn’t an app update badge is because you turned it off! In this new paradigm, you go out and actively get information when the time is right for you. So don’t forget to do it!
Through the simple process of updating your notifications, you’ll get back a piece of your day that you’d been losing to unimportant things. Every app developer wants you to believe that their app is more important than anything that you’re doing right now, and most of them are wrong. Be proactive about managing your apps and take back your day.
Valentine’s Day Isn’t Over
I made a huge mistake last year. In honor of Alison’s birthday, I coordinated among our family to give her an awesome present: her own coffee bar. She was getting ready to begin practicing medicine and I knew two things: Alison loves coffee and physicians need coffee. We got her an espresso machine, a wall-mounted coffee bar, coffee, and everything else that she’d need to have her very own, very fun coffee bar. Then I made a bonehead move. The excitement and anticipation overwhelmed me and I had her open all of her presents before her birthday. Her big day came, and there was nothing left. Whomp.
Each day is a new opportunity to show your wife your love and affection. While Valentine’s Day has long since passed, it’s anything but over.
There are two types of opportunity in our life: given and created. Given opportunities are ones that her actions or needs make known. She has a sore throat, so you make a special trip out to get her throat lozenges. She always likes to have water on her nightstand, so you get it for her each night. There are also given opportunities when you can change the outcome of a situation, like not escalating a fight. Created opportunities are ones that you yourself make into reality. These are quick wins and are often small acts of love. Cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, serving her at dinner. All of these created opportunities are ones that aren’t needs, per se, but are still chances to show love and affection.
Your marriage is a delicate garden that needs constant supervision and love in order to avoid becoming overgrown. Your wife needs romance daily, not just one day per year. I’m talking about real romance, not sexual romance. Women put a premium on connectedness and daily romance is highly prized in your wife’s mind. It could take the form of a sit-down dinner, a nice hug, or even cuddling. These things do take time, and as men, we can always find new ways to maximize our time. Time spent on romance isn’t about value, it’s about investment. We invest time in our marriage and then mutually reap the benefits.
Signs of love renew our wedding vows. Of course, sex renews our vows most completely, but other, lesser acts, still achieve some small part. Time, acts of service, physical contact, and quality communication all bring a breath of fresh air into your marriage and with it, happiness and fidelity.
Valentine’s Day is a great starting point, and it’s impossible to live every day with that level of intensity. However, every day we should be in the mindset of Valentine’s Day. We love, we serve, and we demonstrate our affection. Through daily opportunities, both given and created, you can have the quality marriage that both you and your wife deserve.