Be Okay Being Alone
It used to be that I’d take my regular walks alone. Before Benedict arrived, and even in his first few months of life, while it was bitterly cold outside, I’d spend about an hour a day doing my walk in solitude. I’d have a set path that I’d take and while walking I’d listen to podcasts. It was a great time to clear my head, be alone with my thoughts, and think. I’d encourage you to find some time in your week to clear your head by being alone.
You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Between work, your wife, and your kids, you’re a busy guy. Your responsibilities include meeting work deadlines, meeting your wife’s needs, and raising your children. These three areas alone are enough to fill your day, and you haven’t had time to take care of yourself yet. In order to be a good husband and father, you need time and space to process the events of your life.
Space lends perspective. It lowers stress and leads to new ideas. My simple 60 minute walk was all that I needed to get great exercise, to become healthier, and to process my day. Your space may be different. It might be woodworking, running, plumbing, bicycling, or reading. No matter what your space looks like, use it on a daily basis.
The tricky part with fitting space in your life is that you shouldn’t do it at the expense of your family. There are appropriate times during the day where you can gain the benefits of space and time alone without reducing time with your family or interfering with their schedule. It might be early in the morning or late at night, but it’s in there somewhere. It might also be while the kids are in school and your wife is at work. Speaking of your wife, she could use some alone time, too! Give it as a gift to her. Watch the kids while she gets some space, or remove the expectation that you spend the evening together by giving her some time to take a bath or read a book.
We’re uncomfortable with silence and we’re uncomfortable being alone. Yet, it’s precisely in the silence and it’s precisely in the time when we’re alone that true rest and rejuvenation hide. Our best ideas come out, we process the events of our lives, and we emerge from this time with our batteries fully charged. Take time to be alone, take time to get some space, and do it at a time and in a place where you have no other obligations.
Never Miss An Opportunity
Throughout any given day, we have plenty of opportunities to do the right thing. Several months ago, I was grocery shopping when I saw a man in a power scooter reaching for a product on the top shelf. A teen employee from the store stood there and watched. I felt compelled to help the man, and so I did. If I hadn’t, the man’s life wouldn’t have been any different. I’m sure there are many times during the day when he has to reach for something that’s just out of reach. I’m not a hero, but I’d hope that my small act of kindness made him feel a little more human that day. Every day brings us dozens of opportunities to serve and help our neighbor and I hope that you’re taking action on at least a few of them.
Serving someone, especially in our societal climate today, can make a huge impact on someone’s life. We’re all turned in on ourselves and we’re all very busy. We don’t have time to help and we simply need to get on our way. So when you take a moment to help someone, you show the world that humanity still exists. You show the other people around you who observe your small act of kindness that being connected still matters. You might even find that the person most profoundly impacted by your small act is you.
Oftentimes these acts of kindness are hard to see. They’re disguised as a hungry veteran, an elderly person reaching for something, or a child needing school supplies. They’re disguised as a canned food drive, or a young pregnant mother, or an exhausted set of parents. They’re disguised as a neighbor trying to fix a lawnmower or a colleague in the hospital. If you take the time to train your eyes to see these opportunities in plain sight, and if you’re open to serving others, you’ll find endless chances to bring some light to someone else’s life.
You don’t always have to leave your house to find opportunities to serve. In your marriage there are opportunities for you to strengthen your bonds and to ease your wife’s burdens. Many of these opportunities have been posted on this blog in the past, so there’s no need to revisit them. However, each day you’re either working towards a stronger marriage or you’re not. You get to decide.
Service to others, and performing spiritual and corporal works of mercy at random are beautiful things. Not only will you help bring some small comfort to someone else, you may just find that you walk away a changed person.
Spiritual Springs
Growing up, my grandparents’ house was our vacation destination of choice. My Dad was often stationed on the East Coast, so the trip to south Georgia wasn’t a big deal. I can remember one Easter trip in particular. On Easter Sunday, we went to the sunrise Mass held outdoors in a field. The grass was wet with dew, the sun was just barely peaking over the horizon, and there was something incredibly refreshing about the entire experience. Although I was just a little boy, there was something profound and lasting about uniting the celebration of Easter Mass outside with a quintessential Spring morning.
The reality of sin in our lives and the power that we give it from time to time can be depressing. In fact, the simple reality that the odds of us failing again, even after resolving to amend our lives, can be quite sad. Yet, even when faced with the giant obstacle of overcoming sin, we still remain optimistic. In fact, at times we may even be called idealistic. We have such a bright outlook because our faith is like that Easter Sunday spring morning in south Georgia. Our faith is full of hope, promise, and renewal.
While spring time is a fairly predictable occurrence in our calendar year, spiritual springs in our faith life aren’t. The events of our days, weeks, months, and years often have a profound impact on how we feel our relationship with God is going. These events either push us closer to God or cause us to feel that God is further away. Though incredibly difficult in practice, modeling our faith after that of the perennially faithful Biblical Job can be helpful. He endured so many trials, tribulations, and loss, yet he always praised and thanked God. In fact, all of the great characters of the Bible, the mystics and doctors of the Church had something in common: they were so attuned to God that they were able to accept and accomplish great missions. They labored endlessly and with singleness of purpose to improve their relationship with God. Then, when God came and asked great things of them, they were ready. The times that make us feel incredibly far from God are the times that we need to cultivate our spirit. In the times when things are going really well and we feel incredibly close to God, we need to fortify ourselves against temptation that seeks to steal that peace away from us.
Spiritual springs can be an amazing time for personal and spiritual growth. Like the hope and newness of spring, we’re intoxicated with the spiritual things in our life. This intoxication is good, like an infatuated teenager all of our thoughts and actions are directed at pleasing God and growing in greater favor. This isn’t naive, this is the way things ought to be! When you’re in a spiritual spring, be an excellent observer of your own life. Notice how possible it is to have a great prayer life, how to direct your thoughts to being better attuned to God, and how you’re able to resist temptations that would’ve tripped you up before. Then, take that personal growth and apply it to other parts of your life.
It’s important that we not forget that all of these things should be taken in moderation. Attempting to do too much all at once will lead to fatigue and end your spring prematurely. Focus on doing one thing, following Christ, and let everything else fall into place behind that objective. Spring is a wonderful time and spiritual springs can be incredibly refreshing, especially after prolonged periods of darkness. When you find yourself in a spring, fortify yourself for winter and love God and His people endlessly.
Get Your Wife to Heaven
If you want to be a really good husband, direct all of your actions towards getting your wife into Heaven. Essentially, that’s our mission in the married life. Certainly our love is meant to be shared completely and we’re to accept and raise any children that come into existence as a result. Yet, at the end of the day, everything points back to getting your wife into Heaven. What are you doing to accomplish that mission?
Marriage and our human minds are often at odds. While we’re certainly capable of living a faithful marriage, our mind struggles with the idea that it should be first seeking to aid and support someone else, even before self-preservation. This desire to look out before turning in on oneself is something that must be controlled through discipline. Your objective is to help your wife live a holy life and doing that will often look like something completely different.
Helping your wife live a holy life might look an awful lot like putting your kids to bed or cleaning the kitchen. Helping your wife live a holy life might look a lot like writing her a love letter or drawing a bath for her. You can help your wife live a holy life by removing friction in your relationship. Oftentimes, we cause our wife to sin or be tempted to sin. The near occasion of sin isn’t because of our ripped abs or perfectly chiseled face, but because we fail in our basic relational and domestic duties, which can cause her to become angry and impatient. The gold standard husband would be disciplined enough to be more concerned about her than he is about himself. He’d help her in any way, pray for her constantly, and not lead his wife into sin.
You don’t want your wife to suffer. You seek the good for her and try to make her as comfortable as possible. You want what’s best for her. All of these things are good things and they’re the exact reasons that in addition to helping her with her material needs, you need to help her with her spiritual needs. Lead family prayer, go to Mass together, and take care of the kids so she can make it to Confession every once in a while. You can go a step further by praying for her daily and frequently throughout the day. Pray her for in the morning, at night, at meals, and by offering up small things throughout the day.
Your mission is to get your wife to Heaven. That’s your priority. You can help by reducing the instances that would give her cause to be upset or impatient, you can help by praying for her, and you can help by meeting her spiritual needs. At the end of the day, your vocation is to help your wife live a holy life. Start helping her do that right now.
Sin Isn’t A Foregone Conclusion
There are many myths surrounding sin. These myths are lies that we’ve either told ourselves or have entered into our mind in some other way, perhaps by way of a book we read or something we were told. I’ve believed, for too long, that sin will happen as a foregone conclusion. I’m human, I’m flawed, therefore despite my best efforts, I’ll sin. Yet, that isn’t entirely true. In fact, the belief that habitual sin is a foregone conclusion is false. One has only to look to the saints to recognize that reality. It isn’t an easy place to get to, but it has been proven possible.
Confession frees us from the burden of sin and also from some of the inclination. When you leave the Sacrament, having been absolved, your defenses are completely intact. You’re back up to full health and ready to take on the world. It’s when you let that first sin occur that your defenses begin to weaken. As sin compounds on itself, your defenses are depleted until you make it back to Confession. It’s our choice to sin, whether we like to admit it or not. Therefore, if we can choose to sin, so can we choose not to sin.
Along with Confession we have the Eucharist. If Confession frees us, the Eucharist perfects us. We take into ourselves the fullness of God and become living tabernacles. All of this is hard to see and recognize because there’s no outward change, but inside, the game is completely different. The God who created everything in six days, who sustains life, is dwelling physically within us. Change is definite, if we accept it. I once heard a priest make a very startling, but telling analogy between the Eucharist and Tylenol. He said that we put more faith in Tylenol than we do in the Eucharist. When you take Tylenol, you expect something to happen. So when you receive the Eucharist, why wouldn’t you expect even greater things to happen? Perhaps our lives and the choices that we make are the barrier to God doing tremendous things through us.
At the end of the day, it all comes back to trusting in God over trusting in ourselves. Jesus' message of mercy has been repeated throughout the centuries, and will again come into focus during the upcoming Jubilee year. We have the message of Divine Mercy and we have the powerful words of absolution in Confession. God is here, and He has come to lift us up from the base life that our bodies want us to live so that we can live in a state of true happiness. Again, we may be the only thing stopping ourselves from reaching that state of holiness today.
When we look at the lives of the saints, we tend to focus on where they ended, in Heaven. We overlook their struggles with rage, anger, gluttony, lust, pride, and many of the other sinful inclinations that we ourselves battle every day. Sainthood isn’t an instant perfection. Rather, it’s a life’s work of tending the garden of your soul and painstakingly weeding out our sinful inclinations.
When you leave Confession believing that sin is inevitable, or when you choose to commit sin based on the belief that you’re going to sin anyway, you undercut God’s words and His promise. The graces are there, we just have to have the courage to change.
Thank A Vet
Five words are all it takes to make the difference in a service member’s life. We see men and women all the time who are either currently serving in our Armed Forces or wearing apparel that tells us that they served. I strongly encourage you to take a moment, stop them, and say, “Thank you for your service.”
My dad used to have a sticker on his laptop from the Military Order of the Purple Heart that read, “If you enjoy your freedom, thank a vet.” The truth in that statement is part of the reason why our Nation has been so successful in defending our way of life. With very little exception, our military services have been an all-volunteer force. Today, every man and woman in uniform is there, defending us and our families, because they raised their hand. We can go to sleep at night in peace, without fear because our Nation asked for their help, and they stepped up to the plate. We need to be sure that our veterans know how much we appreciate their sacrifice.
There’s never an inappropriate time to thank a service member. No matter where they’re going or what they’re doing, it’s always the right time to stop them for a few seconds and to thank them. In elevators, on mass transit systems, at restaurants, in airports, in shopping malls, or even just walking down the street. Whenever you see a service member in uniform, stop and thank them.
It’s important to not just thank those currently serving. We are where we are today thanks to the countless veterans who’ve served in armed conflict and in peace time throughout the past century. Many of the older veterans are easily spotted with their signature hats or jackets. You might even spot a few others who have custom t-shirts or who are wearing the pin of a service medal that they earned. When you see one of these individuals, thank them, too! The thanks from a member of the public means a lot to those currently serving, but even more to those who served honorably long ago. It’s a reminder to these older veterans that their service is not forgotten.
I’ve written many times about setting the right example for your kids, and this is another small habit that you need to pass on. At any time, in any place, when you see someone who is currently serving in the military or a veteran who served in days gone by, give them the courtesy of five simple words to express your gratitude, “Thank you for your service.”
Be Great, No Matter What
Last Fall, I wrote about To Kill A Mockingbird and the great scene where Atticus explains to his daughter that he has to have integrity, that he has to be the same person in public as he is in private. I took that scene and applied it to our Catholic identity and how we need to be bold in the public square expressing our faith with the same level of comfort as we do in our homes. In fact, that part of the book had such a profound impact on me that this is the fourth time that I’ve discussed this great American literary work since March of 2013. Today, I want to turn this lesson back on us again, only this time to discuss the integrity that it takes to be a real man. You need to be the man you ought to be, even when your family isn’t around.
We stand in very big shoes. As the leader of your household, your kids and your wife are taking cues from you. The more open, loving, and affectionate you are, the more those things will be reciprocated. The more good that you do, the more good that they’ll do. For whatever reason, you will encounter people at work and in social settings who won’t approve of your work as a great husband and dad. Some of these people are hurt because they didn’t marry a great guy or because their father never loved them the way that you love your kids. We’re undertaking a great generational and societal mission. We’re changing the collective mind of society about what a great dad looks like and who a great husband is. Expect resistance.
Partly due to human nature and partly due to a generalized societal acceptance of extramarital affairs, there will be some people who will try to steal you away from your family. They might try to do it emotionally or, in some extreme cases, physically. Be alert in your relationships to make sure that you’re giving off the right signals. Know that the fact that you’re a great husband and a great dad is incredibly attractive. When you sense that things are getting grey, remove yourself from the equation and keep pushing forward.
It’s too much of a hassle to live one life at home and another out in the world. The best approach is to continue the good work that you’ve already started. Know that you’re doing the right things and never let anyone take that away from you. We’re the husbands and fathers that we’re made to be, let’s keep showing people how it’s done.
With Your Help
I’m not God. I didn’t rise from the dead of my own volition. I didn’t save countless souls from Hell, open the gates of Heaven, or defeat sin and death. If I’m not God, and if my track record confirms that reality, why would I ever have an expectation that I’d be able to defeat sin and amend my life of my own accord?
It’s no secret that I’m a frequent penitent. I recognize quite painfully how far away I am from being the gold standard of husband that I want to be to Alison. Recently I was in Confession at a parish that I don’t normally go to when I had a bit of a revelation. God never had an expectation that we’d overcome sin on our own. In fact, the Act of Contrition that many Catholics use expresses this point beautifully, “I firmly intend, with Your Help.”
It’s true that we have a part to play, but our role is in the avoiding of temptation. God respects our free will, so if we choose to sin, then that’s a done deal. However, when we choose to resist and reject sin, that’s when things get interesting. When we reject sin, we get the ball rolling and then God takes the ball over the goal line. It’s a true team effort. Our role often is more in the prevention than the fight. We are to avoid things that lead us to sin (our triggers) and have a firm resolution of amending and reforming our lives. Then, if we get into trouble by making a mistake, or if temptation comes out of left field, we just resist and let God take care of the rest.
Like me, you might be thinking that all of that is a nice theory, but have found that it doesn’t play out in the real world quite like that. Temptation comes, we resist, only to be overcome shortly thereafter. The problem wasn’t with God’s response. It’s like Jesus walking on water and calling Peter to Him. Peter did walk on the water, but when he took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink. If you take a hard look back when you make a mistake, you’ll see the parallel. You’ll see right were you took your eyes off God and the game was lost.
Thinking that we can defeat sin on our own is pride. We’re wholly dependent on God, and that isn’t a bad thing. We need Him. Beyond just being reality, it should actually give us some hope and encouragement. I’m quite content to not be asked to take the blame and suffering for all sin committed throughout all of human history. In fact, I’m glad that grace and mercy play a central role in the Catholic faith. Even if I had only to stand in judgement for all the sins that I’ve committed I’d be in a world of hurt. Instead of being a vengeful or spiteful God, He’s laid out for us remedies. He’s given us paths back to virtue and back to grace. I don’t need to think that I’m going to defeat Satan once and for all, that’s already taken care of. All I have to do is manage my own affairs.
At the end of the day, defeating temptation and successfully amending our lives comes down to trust. If we trust in God and in the help that He promised us, then we should expect it. It may not come in the form that we expect, but it will and it does come. We will walk on the water. The storm will not overtake us. We won’t be tested beyond our abilities. Resist temptation and let God be God.
It’s Okay to Rest
Go, go, go, go. The frantic pace of our lives has gotten really out of control. We run all day at work, only to get home and have precious few hours to recharge our batteries before starting a new day. Of course, those hours are often broken up by more work in the form of business emails, finishing up presentations, and work on other projects. We’ve become a culture that celebrates busyness for the sake of busyness, to the detriment of our wellness. The employee who works all day and goes home to work for several more hours is praised as a performer. The employee who works for 8 hours and then goes home and rests is reprimanded and regarded as lazy. We’ve forgotten that rest isn’t a bad thing, and that it actually allows us to move forward.
A few weeks back, I was working on a project for a client. I spent an entire week’s worth of working hours (and beyond) trying to get the first phase over the finish line. Admittedly, I could’ve slowed my pace and taken a bit more time, but I was determined to finish. I spent every waking moment that I wasn’t caring for Benedict working on that project. At the end of the week, I hit my goal, but the rest of my life was in shambles. I hadn’t been reading, I hadn’t been resting, and I hadn’t been praying. I was behind on everything. I resolved to change my schedule and to only work Monday - Friday. The fact is, rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift. It’s a gift for us to be able to slow down and enjoy the little things in life. Downtime isn’t a bad thing.
Our connectedness is part of the problem. Work is on your phone and your phone is always on you. Therefore, you think about work when you really shouldn’t. It creeps up on you in the evening and it creeps up on you on the weekend. In order to take back our off time, we need to first put in place measures that’ll prevent us from working during non-work times. Close out all programs on your computer, turn off work-related phone notifications, and make it really hard to get to your work things without consciously reaching out for them. You also need to give yourself permission to not work. There will always be more work and it’ll be waiting for you the moment that you go back to it. There’s no rush at night and there’s no rush on the weekend.
It’s important to note that we’re the keepers of our time. If you want to not have your work creep up on you in the evening and if you want your weekends back, you need to get your work done in the time that you’ve allotted. That means fewer coffee breaks, shorter lunches, and less time surfing. Have a clearly defined to-do list and do only those things. Find ways to be efficient and practice discipline to meet goals ahead of deadlines. If you do all that you need to do in the day, then there’s no reason for you to work in the evening.
We implement all of this discipline for two reasons. First, because you need it. You need a break from work in order to be your best when you’re at work. You need a break to read, watch a movie, or have a beer on your deck. Second, because your family needs it. Your wife wants to spend time with you in the evening after a day apart and your children want to play with you. Don’t miss their lives because you didn’t do what you needed to do during the day.
Rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift. Be diligent in the working hours and at peace in your resting hours.
Marriage and Patience
A few weeks ago, Alison and I went to a live radio show. That sentence felt weird to type, but it’s true. We traveled into Washington, DC to be a part of the studio audience for “The Catholic Guy Show” with Lino Rulli which can be heard on SiriusXM’s The Catholic Channel. During the show, I got up on the guest mic and for reasons unknown to me, admitted to an international listening audience that my biggest struggle in the married life is with patience. The fact is, it’s true, although I didn’t plan on sharing that part of my life when I got on air. There are plenty of times when I get really impatient at even the smallest inconveniences. Yet, I know that I’ll never be happy in my marriage or in my life if I’m impatient.
Teams work together and they recognize that there will be errors from time to time. They don’t judge, they don’t blame, they get frustrated for a moment and then get back in the game. It’s when a team doesn’t get their focus back that the errors compound. The same is true for us. Each time we act in an unloving way, we need to knock it off and get our head back in the game. This is especially important when we’re inconvenienced in a very minor way.
The fact is that all of our time is valuable and you can respect your wife’s by giving her the immediate attention that she requests. For example, if you’re working on a project and she needs to ask your opinion on something, take a moment, give her your opinion and then get back to work. This course of action will leave both of you satisfied and will be far less detrimental to your forward progress than a reaction of anger and frustration. Sometimes impatience isn’t a result of anyone’s actions but your own. If you manage your time well, then you’ll be able to better adapt to fluid demands on your schedule. Work in the time that you’ve allotted, get your chores done when you plan to, and avoid pushing up against deadlines. All of these strategies will reduce the chances of your becoming impatient with someone that you really love.
Despite our best efforts, it’s unrealistic to expect that your patience won’t be tried or that you’ll never act impatiently. I’ve found that impatience creeps up quickly and at inopportune moments. The key to really becoming a more patient person is to be constantly working towards it. Accept small failures, but learn from those encounters ways to improve and get better. Try new strategies and setup new responses. For example, decide that whenever your wife asks something of you, you’ll stop everything that you’re doing and give her your full attention.
Patience is formed over time. With a little work and a lot of intentionality, you’ll be able to better respond to your wife’s needs and you’ll both enjoy a lower-stress marriage.