Be Great, No Matter What
Last Fall, I wrote about To Kill A Mockingbird and the great scene where Atticus explains to his daughter that he has to have integrity, that he has to be the same person in public as he is in private. I took that scene and applied it to our Catholic identity and how we need to be bold in the public square expressing our faith with the same level of comfort as we do in our homes. In fact, that part of the book had such a profound impact on me that this is the fourth time that I’ve discussed this great American literary work since March of 2013. Today, I want to turn this lesson back on us again, only this time to discuss the integrity that it takes to be a real man. You need to be the man you ought to be, even when your family isn’t around.
We stand in very big shoes. As the leader of your household, your kids and your wife are taking cues from you. The more open, loving, and affectionate you are, the more those things will be reciprocated. The more good that you do, the more good that they’ll do. For whatever reason, you will encounter people at work and in social settings who won’t approve of your work as a great husband and dad. Some of these people are hurt because they didn’t marry a great guy or because their father never loved them the way that you love your kids. We’re undertaking a great generational and societal mission. We’re changing the collective mind of society about what a great dad looks like and who a great husband is. Expect resistance.
Partly due to human nature and partly due to a generalized societal acceptance of extramarital affairs, there will be some people who will try to steal you away from your family. They might try to do it emotionally or, in some extreme cases, physically. Be alert in your relationships to make sure that you’re giving off the right signals. Know that the fact that you’re a great husband and a great dad is incredibly attractive. When you sense that things are getting grey, remove yourself from the equation and keep pushing forward.
It’s too much of a hassle to live one life at home and another out in the world. The best approach is to continue the good work that you’ve already started. Know that you’re doing the right things and never let anyone take that away from you. We’re the husbands and fathers that we’re made to be, let’s keep showing people how it’s done.
With Your Help
I’m not God. I didn’t rise from the dead of my own volition. I didn’t save countless souls from Hell, open the gates of Heaven, or defeat sin and death. If I’m not God, and if my track record confirms that reality, why would I ever have an expectation that I’d be able to defeat sin and amend my life of my own accord?
It’s no secret that I’m a frequent penitent. I recognize quite painfully how far away I am from being the gold standard of husband that I want to be to Alison. Recently I was in Confession at a parish that I don’t normally go to when I had a bit of a revelation. God never had an expectation that we’d overcome sin on our own. In fact, the Act of Contrition that many Catholics use expresses this point beautifully, “I firmly intend, with Your Help.”
It’s true that we have a part to play, but our role is in the avoiding of temptation. God respects our free will, so if we choose to sin, then that’s a done deal. However, when we choose to resist and reject sin, that’s when things get interesting. When we reject sin, we get the ball rolling and then God takes the ball over the goal line. It’s a true team effort. Our role often is more in the prevention than the fight. We are to avoid things that lead us to sin (our triggers) and have a firm resolution of amending and reforming our lives. Then, if we get into trouble by making a mistake, or if temptation comes out of left field, we just resist and let God take care of the rest.
Like me, you might be thinking that all of that is a nice theory, but have found that it doesn’t play out in the real world quite like that. Temptation comes, we resist, only to be overcome shortly thereafter. The problem wasn’t with God’s response. It’s like Jesus walking on water and calling Peter to Him. Peter did walk on the water, but when he took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink. If you take a hard look back when you make a mistake, you’ll see the parallel. You’ll see right were you took your eyes off God and the game was lost.
Thinking that we can defeat sin on our own is pride. We’re wholly dependent on God, and that isn’t a bad thing. We need Him. Beyond just being reality, it should actually give us some hope and encouragement. I’m quite content to not be asked to take the blame and suffering for all sin committed throughout all of human history. In fact, I’m glad that grace and mercy play a central role in the Catholic faith. Even if I had only to stand in judgement for all the sins that I’ve committed I’d be in a world of hurt. Instead of being a vengeful or spiteful God, He’s laid out for us remedies. He’s given us paths back to virtue and back to grace. I don’t need to think that I’m going to defeat Satan once and for all, that’s already taken care of. All I have to do is manage my own affairs.
At the end of the day, defeating temptation and successfully amending our lives comes down to trust. If we trust in God and in the help that He promised us, then we should expect it. It may not come in the form that we expect, but it will and it does come. We will walk on the water. The storm will not overtake us. We won’t be tested beyond our abilities. Resist temptation and let God be God.
It’s Okay to Rest
Go, go, go, go. The frantic pace of our lives has gotten really out of control. We run all day at work, only to get home and have precious few hours to recharge our batteries before starting a new day. Of course, those hours are often broken up by more work in the form of business emails, finishing up presentations, and work on other projects. We’ve become a culture that celebrates busyness for the sake of busyness, to the detriment of our wellness. The employee who works all day and goes home to work for several more hours is praised as a performer. The employee who works for 8 hours and then goes home and rests is reprimanded and regarded as lazy. We’ve forgotten that rest isn’t a bad thing, and that it actually allows us to move forward.
A few weeks back, I was working on a project for a client. I spent an entire week’s worth of working hours (and beyond) trying to get the first phase over the finish line. Admittedly, I could’ve slowed my pace and taken a bit more time, but I was determined to finish. I spent every waking moment that I wasn’t caring for Benedict working on that project. At the end of the week, I hit my goal, but the rest of my life was in shambles. I hadn’t been reading, I hadn’t been resting, and I hadn’t been praying. I was behind on everything. I resolved to change my schedule and to only work Monday - Friday. The fact is, rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift. It’s a gift for us to be able to slow down and enjoy the little things in life. Downtime isn’t a bad thing.
Our connectedness is part of the problem. Work is on your phone and your phone is always on you. Therefore, you think about work when you really shouldn’t. It creeps up on you in the evening and it creeps up on you on the weekend. In order to take back our off time, we need to first put in place measures that’ll prevent us from working during non-work times. Close out all programs on your computer, turn off work-related phone notifications, and make it really hard to get to your work things without consciously reaching out for them. You also need to give yourself permission to not work. There will always be more work and it’ll be waiting for you the moment that you go back to it. There’s no rush at night and there’s no rush on the weekend.
It’s important to note that we’re the keepers of our time. If you want to not have your work creep up on you in the evening and if you want your weekends back, you need to get your work done in the time that you’ve allotted. That means fewer coffee breaks, shorter lunches, and less time surfing. Have a clearly defined to-do list and do only those things. Find ways to be efficient and practice discipline to meet goals ahead of deadlines. If you do all that you need to do in the day, then there’s no reason for you to work in the evening.
We implement all of this discipline for two reasons. First, because you need it. You need a break from work in order to be your best when you’re at work. You need a break to read, watch a movie, or have a beer on your deck. Second, because your family needs it. Your wife wants to spend time with you in the evening after a day apart and your children want to play with you. Don’t miss their lives because you didn’t do what you needed to do during the day.
Rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift. Be diligent in the working hours and at peace in your resting hours.
Marriage and Patience
A few weeks ago, Alison and I went to a live radio show. That sentence felt weird to type, but it’s true. We traveled into Washington, DC to be a part of the studio audience for “The Catholic Guy Show” with Lino Rulli which can be heard on SiriusXM’s The Catholic Channel. During the show, I got up on the guest mic and for reasons unknown to me, admitted to an international listening audience that my biggest struggle in the married life is with patience. The fact is, it’s true, although I didn’t plan on sharing that part of my life when I got on air. There are plenty of times when I get really impatient at even the smallest inconveniences. Yet, I know that I’ll never be happy in my marriage or in my life if I’m impatient.
Teams work together and they recognize that there will be errors from time to time. They don’t judge, they don’t blame, they get frustrated for a moment and then get back in the game. It’s when a team doesn’t get their focus back that the errors compound. The same is true for us. Each time we act in an unloving way, we need to knock it off and get our head back in the game. This is especially important when we’re inconvenienced in a very minor way.
The fact is that all of our time is valuable and you can respect your wife’s by giving her the immediate attention that she requests. For example, if you’re working on a project and she needs to ask your opinion on something, take a moment, give her your opinion and then get back to work. This course of action will leave both of you satisfied and will be far less detrimental to your forward progress than a reaction of anger and frustration. Sometimes impatience isn’t a result of anyone’s actions but your own. If you manage your time well, then you’ll be able to better adapt to fluid demands on your schedule. Work in the time that you’ve allotted, get your chores done when you plan to, and avoid pushing up against deadlines. All of these strategies will reduce the chances of your becoming impatient with someone that you really love.
Despite our best efforts, it’s unrealistic to expect that your patience won’t be tried or that you’ll never act impatiently. I’ve found that impatience creeps up quickly and at inopportune moments. The key to really becoming a more patient person is to be constantly working towards it. Accept small failures, but learn from those encounters ways to improve and get better. Try new strategies and setup new responses. For example, decide that whenever your wife asks something of you, you’ll stop everything that you’re doing and give her your full attention.
Patience is formed over time. With a little work and a lot of intentionality, you’ll be able to better respond to your wife’s needs and you’ll both enjoy a lower-stress marriage.
Am I Doing Enough?
It’s been a year since I started caring for Benedict full time. It’s almost hard to believe not just that a year has passed, but how quickly his development has progressed. He’s awake more, walking around, and talking to me. I share one of the looming questions that I’m confident every dad asks himself on a daily basis, “Am I doing enough?” Am I doing enough to support and promote his development? Am I doing enough to help him have confidence and trust in himself? Am I doing enough to make sure that he knows that he’s safe with me? Am I doing enough to help him know that he’s loved? Your kids need love, attention, affection and time from you. If you’re giving them those things, then you’re doing enough.
There’s a real temptation to lean too much on the use electronic aids in parenting. I’ll readily admit that Sesame Street, Arthur, and any other number of children’s programming can do more in 30 minutes than I can on my own. These programs are backed by very educated people and present concepts across a broad range of topics. Yet, while these types of shows should aid in your parenting, they shouldn’t be the primary education source for your kids. Play with your kids and read to them.
As the “Am I doing enough?” question lingers, it can drive us to other types of potentially unhelpful parenting practices, like being a helicopter parent. While your children do need interaction and to play with you, they also need the space to entertain themselves if that’s what they choose. Your kids have to learn everything, so helping them learn to constructively entertain themselves or to sit quietly and look at a book is an important skill.
The key in all of this is to both remain available and able respond to their needs. You don’t need to hover over them all at times, but by all means prevent them from hurting themselves. You don’t need to be in their face leading playtime all of the time, but don’t devote so much attention to whatever else you’re doing that you can’t break your attention the moment your child needs you. Be flexible, be dynamic, and be agile.
Parenting fills the mind with plenty of worry and doubt. At the end of the day, if you’ve done your best and given your child all that you have, then yes, you’re doing enough.
Finding Time to Pray
My daily prayer time is often a moving target. Depending on what the day has in store for me, I could find myself praying at any number of junctures during the day. My goal is to spend about half an hour when I first wake up, 15 minutes or so praying the Rosary with Benedict during our morning play time, meditation for a few minutes at noon, the Divine Mercy Chaplet during the 3 o’clock hour, and finally prayers with my family before bed. It’s a pretty rigorous plan, that’s for sure, and one that’s proven elusive. Yet, when I add the time up, it ends up being about an hour during the day, during which I’ll have 14 waking hours. Considering how much time is wasted throughout the day, it’s a very reasonable plan. Yet, even with the best laid plan, it’s still a daily challenge to actually do it.
I think that the best approach to prayer, and making sure that you have a robust and fulfilling prayer life, is to use creative scheduling. For whatever reason, we’ve adopted a mindset that prayer must look, sound, and feel a particular way in the same way that Catholic Radio hosts all sound the same on air. Prayer is personal, it’s intimate, and it’s a relationship. Not all relationships are the same, so why should your prayer life be? Certainly the Church offers a wide range of support for how to pray, but those should be considered primers to get the conversation going. Along with the beautiful prayers that have been shared with us as aids to our relationship, there should also be a measure of frank conversation with God.
Creative scheduling is the term that I use for making ordinary things holy. It’s a total rethinking of what prayer looks like and when it can happen. Creative scheduling has me praying while doing very ordinary things during the day, such as driving, mowing the lawn, exercising, or even making the bed. Like St. Therese’s “Little Way,” creative scheduling has me pray while doing ordinary or simple tasks and, in that way, makes them holy. I still struggle with focus, but my full attention is not a prerequisite for good prayer, only my good efforts.
Another strategy is to merge current time blocks in your day. If you plan to pray in the morning and in the evening, accomplishing neither, consolidate those two times into one. Get really good at praying once during the day and then eventually split them back up. If you have time during the day that’s scheduled as free play with your kids, add some prayer to that time. When you’re about to fall asleep, use some of your pillow talk time with your wife for prayer. This is about optimizing your schedule and finding new, different, and creative ways, places, and times for prayer.
Prayer is talking to a friend. Don’t overthink prayer time. Strike up a conversation and just say what’s on your mind and in your heart. I’ll admit, when I started conversational prayer, I did it privately because it was awkward. My prayer was full of weak English and awkward phrases. It was all new and that was ok. After some time, and practice, I grew comfortable enough to pray conversationally out loud with Alison. Give this form of prayer a try, and give yourself some grace when you do it.
The time of understanding prayer as having only one dynamic is over. Prayer is multifaceted, it’s diverse, and like the gifts of the Holy Spirit, it comes in many forms. Take this Easter season to continue the good work you began in Lent and grow in your relationship with God through regular prayer.
Look to St. Joseph
One of the traditions in my line of Collins men is that each of us share the same middle name, Joseph. It’s a tradition that started at least six generations ago, although I’m sure that the further I dig, the more Josephs I’ll find. I’m not sure of the particular reasons as to why it was started, but I’m confident it was meant as a prayer for the intercession of St. Joseph. Joseph is a strong and silent character in the Bible, and the more we know about life in Nazareth in his day, the more we grow to respect him.
While Joseph has no recorded words in the Bible, his actions speak to us quite loudly. We know that he was an honorable man, being described in Matthew as a “just” man, a description ascribed only to the greatest figures in Scripture. We also know that, when he discovered that Mary was pregnant, he was, “unwilling to expose her to shame,” despite the fact that the law allowed him to take some serious courses of action. We know that, being chosen to be the foster father of Jesus, he must have been a very holy person, deemed worthy of marrying the perfect creature, Mary. We can know with certitude the depth of his faith because he was attuned enough to God to receive not one, but two messages from angels and respond to them in obedience without question. His response was commensurate with Mary’s, and unlike the doubt expressed by Zachariah.
Joseph was a great husband. He traveled hundreds of miles with his very pregnant wife to Bethlehem in order to comply with the census. Any man who’s even gone for short walks with a pregnant wife can easily imagine what a trying journey that must have been. Further, after experiencing the miracle of the birth of Jesus, and the mysterious events surrounding it, Joseph took his family to safety in Egypt. It wasn’t just the journey that was difficult, but also living as an alien in a foreign land, having to set up a home, gain employment, and continue to provide for his growing family. Scripture is vague about many of the pragmatic realities surrounding the life of Joseph, but context clues and historical knowledge point to a very difficult life in Egypt, away from friends, family, and a land that he knew.
Finally, we know that Joseph was a great father. He taught Jesus his skill. He raised Jesus as his own. He tenderly and lovingly cared for his family. He treated Jesus as his own child, instilling in Him the customs and traditions of Judaism.
Not a single word spoken, and yet we can know all of these things about the great St. Joseph. The Church holds Joseph up as a model of virtue, holiness, purity, and as the type of husband and father all men should strive to be. Through his intercession, may we be St. Joseph to our own wife and family.
Relational Fresh Air
If on your Wedding Day you expected your marriage to be full of positive emotions and the warm fuzzies, you may by now have found yourself disappointed. Emotions are ephemeral, but love is not. When things get a bit chilly in your marriage, sometimes all you need is a bit of relational fresh air. My favorite part about spring is being able to open the windows. After a season of a closed up house, there’s something really refreshing about a gentle breeze whipping through the halls of our home. Everything feels better and I feel more motivated to get things done. At times, you need the breath of fresh air in your marriage.
Attitude is everything. You can choose to let something that your wife does bother you, or you can let it roll off of your back. Are you caring towards your wife? Are you serving? Marriage is all about giving and not at all about taking. Give, give, give until there’s nothing left… then give a little more. As you give more of yourself away, whether it be giving of your time, effort, energy, or self, you find yourself becoming more full. This doesn’t work if you’re only giving in order to get, but if you do everything sacrificially, you’ll find your tanks topped off and even overflowing.
Yet, over the course of a 30, 40, 50, or even a 60 year marriage, rough patches are to be expected. Stress creeps in, fear creeps in, maybe even a little resentment creeps into your marriage. All of these scenarios, though quite normal, actually stem from a selfish attitude. When you stop trusting your wife to take care of you, when you forget that you are one, when you start to turn inward, that’s when external forces start to negatively affect your marriage. In the times when you notice things getting a bit stale, do two things. First, recognize that you’ve turned too far inward and begin to focus your attention and service outward, towards your wife. Be aggressive in finding opportunities to serve her. Second, sit down with your wife and clear the air. Agree to a reset, forgive past mistakes, and push forward.
When your marriage is uncomfortable and things are difficult, the best reaction is positive action. Put all of your focus on your wife and things will work themselves out.
One Step Closer to Holiness
The battle for self-control is one that’s waged daily. We’re constantly being pulled in two directions. On the one hand, we want to do what’s right and on the other, we want to do whatever will selfishly benefit us. At times, good is winning and at other times, evil is winning. This is our daily experience. Yet, it’s possible, with time and discipline, to do more good than evil. Beating temptation today makes you stronger tomorrow.
The struggle is real and so is the temptation. Our weaknesses are exploited and our humanity seeks to overpower our will. Our faith and our vocation to the married life both ask that we reject our humanity and instead choose the higher good, but that’s no easy standard to reach. In fact, after a moment of personal reform, temptation can become even more intense.
Consciously choosing to reject evil and choose the good is the right choice and, ultimately, will make us happier. We all objectively know this to be true and have some amount of experience to tell us that it is. By choosing to do good over evil, we get a little stronger and evil gets a little weaker. We deprive evil of the thing that it desperately needs to survive, our consent. Yet, despite this objective knowledge, in the moment, it seems all too easy for us to be over powered.
The best way to deal with these realities is to take the long view. You might lose the battle today, but Ultimately you’ll win the war. By imagining how committing this particular sin will affect you tomorrow, a week from now, and a year from now, you gain critical perspective to help you make the right choice today. So while a temptation appears to be fun or exciting today, you can see the negative effects that it’ll have over the long term, and be better equipped to reject it.
There’s no quick fix to overcoming human weakness. We’re all flawed, each of us in a particular way that will be constantly exploited. Yet, if we take one small step towards holiness today, and another tomorrow, and one more the day after that, soon we’ll find ourselves in the place we want to be.
Do Something Amazing this Summer
Believe it or not, the summer months are upon us! Schools will soon be shuttering their doors for the season and temperatures will continue to rise, allowing for a more robust daily outdoor schedule. Summer signals more than just a season of rest, relaxation, and recreation; it signals the midpoint of the year.
Amazingly we’re almost half-way through 2015. You might find that thought a bit terrifying. It’s not that time is moving too quickly, it’s that our New Year’s plans and resolutions are probably looking very different right about now. New things have become more important and maybe you never really got your resolutions and goals off the ground. The good news is, summer is a great new opportunity for us to get the ball moving in the right direction.
I don’t want to let this summer season wash over me. I want to do something amazing! I want to sit down at my desk one morning this Fall and report back that this was the best summer ever! Yet, neither of us will be able to make that claim unless we declare today to be the starting line. Weight loss, working on a passion project, or trying something totally new are all compatible with the hope and newness of summer. Spring woke us up and summer is pushing us out of the nest into the great wide world. Don’t defer your dreams for another six months for January 1, get into gear now!
Spend time with your family, work on your marriage, go on outings, take advantage of work slow downs and enjoy the great outdoors. Put down your phone, pick up a book and explore new worlds. These are all the things that summer was made for. The start of summer is here full of hope, excitement, and opportunity. Press the reset button and start running after your dreams!