Rest vs. Idleness
Idle hands are the Devil’s tools, yet God rested on the 7th day. Rest and idleness are very close cousins and it can be difficult to figure out which is which. While rest leads to rejuvenation, idleness leads to a near occasion of sin. Which is which and how do we make sure we’re resting and not simply idling?
Has there ever been a time when you watched a lot of TV after a hard work week, only to realize at the end that you’d accomplished nothing? Certainly your hard work merited a break, but not a break that turned into wasted time. Rest is recovery from good work while idleness is laziness. Rest is sitting down to watch a movie with no technology at hand to distract you. Idleness is mindlessly surfing the Internet. While rest promotes health, idleness is most often a near occasion of sin.
Give yourself the rest that you’re due. Your body, mind, and spirit need the downtime to rebuild energy. Your mind needs a break to restore its creative powers. Be careful, though. Never take more rest than you’ve earned. Never let a good thing like rest turn into something negative like idleness.
Dad the Driver
Family road trips are the stuff of legend. Earlier this year, Alison, Benedict, and I rented a van and made the 12 hour drive to Michigan. It was my first trip driving a minivan since I was in high school and boy was having all of that space nice! In my family, my dad would always drive on our road trips. Now that I’m the dad doing the driving, I know that providing a safe and comfortable trip for my family is a great experience.
The fun and adventure for us dads begins even before the wheels start rolling. We spend hours prepping the car and getting everything just right. Of course, there’s the packing and repacking to achieve maximum efficiency but there’s also the strategically stored amenities. These amenities may include bottled water in each cup holder, pillows and blankets within arms reach, and toys for the kids. The objective is for everything to be completely perfect for the family to get in the car, relax, and enjoy the journey. In addition to preparing the ride for our passengers, there’s also preparation for us, like checking fluids, storing an umbrella by our seat, and getting our navigation system ready to go.
One of the biggest differences in travel with kids is the number of stops that the family has to make. There are stops for gas, but mostly stops for restrooms. While at first these frequent breaks annoyed me, I soon learned to enjoy the rest. I enjoyed the experience of taking a road trip as opposed to the rush to get to our destination as quickly as possible. Those stops translated into better driving, me feeling more rested, and an overall better trip.
Taking care of your family while on the road is just another way of caring. We take responsibility for the safety and wellbeing of our family, and through our diligent preparation and safe driving, we do just that. While it’s true that road trips as a family take considerably longer when your kids are involved, the whole adventure itself is much more gratifying.
Refuse to Fall
There comes a point in our lives when we have to stand up to sin. Sin, both great and small, has the ability to divert us away from the path that we wish to follow. We’re only overcome by sin when we consent to it, and so we must summon the courage to say no more.
Use the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist to gain the graces you need for battle. Fortify yourself through prayer and good works daily. Suit up and fight when temptation confronts you. Avoid directly causing temptation and track your victories.
Sin depends on your complicity. Don’t give it the time of day.
Know Your Mother
I find it easier to understand God’s surpassing mercy now that I am a parent. The love that I feel for Benedict, and my deep seated desire to do all that I can to make him comfortable, causes me to do things that are borderline irrational. Although he’s not at an age where he appreciates treats, when he’s sick I want to go to the store and buy things to bring him comfort. When I get frustrated with his occasional bad behavior, I get over it pretty quickly. All things in my mind are directed toward his care and well-being. This irrational parental love is something that God has for us. Understanding how I can overlook any of Benedict’s flaws gives me a small insight into God’s ability to forgive our transgressions. He simply has a parent’s love.
Moving deeper into that thought, I’m reminded of the maternal compassion that Mary has for us. Though I’m not a mother and will never fully comprehend the deep connection that a mother shares with her child, I do at least understand that it’s far stronger than the connection that I feel with Benedict. A mother grows and nurtures new life within her during pregnancy and then sustains that life for the first several months after birth. I think many would agree that a mother yearns with her whole being for the welfare of her children. Just as your mother yearns for your wellbeing, and your wife yearns for your children’s wellbeing, so too does Mary yearn for us to be in Heaven with her Son.
Understanding who Mary is as our mother and how she so deeply wishes to be in our lives can lead us to a stronger spiritual life. Consider the events surrounding the numerous verified Marian apparitions throughout the World. Mary appears to the lowliest of people in our society. The Mother of God, the woman we consider to be Queen of Heaven and Earth appears from time to time to the poorest and those held in the least regard. I think this clearly demonstrates her desire to be connected with us and to help us on what she knows to be a difficult Earthly journey.
Having a relationship with Mary is as easy as picking up a phone, but some structure will be helpful. When you’re ready to cultivate a meaningful relationship with her, I’d recommend that you pick up some guides or books that focus on the theology and person of Mary. The Rosary would be the most obvious starting point, but at the same time, not all prayers work for all people. You could take up the practice of praying the Angelus, starting your day with the Memorare, or consider doing the Marian Consecration. The Consecration is a relatively popular devotion put together by St. Louis de Montfort. The Consecration consists of 33 days of advanced prayer and preparation culminating in a pledge of love and fidelity to Mary on a Marian feast day. No matter what structure you put in place, building out this relationship will take time, but it will also bring great rewards. This isn’t us forming a utilitarian relationship. This is about us getting to know our Mother, our Mother who loves us and has promised graces and aid to all who ask.
There’s no doubt that we have a difficult life here on Earth. Our senses are strong and temptation is everywhere. In this climate, Mary extends her hand to us. Through the process of building a relationship and getting to know Mary better, we can become better Catholics and gain a deeper understanding of the person of Christ.
Relentless Positive Action
While I was living in Michigan, I was particularly impressed with the Governor’s mantra, “Relentless positive action.” When he was elected into office, the State was experiencing a very tough downturn and Gov. Snyder seemed to not let any problem get in his way. He wanted to get the State back on track and improve the lives of its citizens. This mantra, combined with a dose of courage, helped him make some pretty remarkable political moves. I really liked the idea of relentless positive action because it demands that we always move forward, no matter how big the challenges are.
In our work lives we face daily struggles. There are challenges to overcome, deadlines to meet, goals to achieve, and difficult people to work with. Monday through Friday, we can expect roadblocks and setbacks on a daily basis, any number of which could prove fatal if we succumb to a defeatist attitude. Yet, if we adopt the idea of relentless positive action, we’re able to adapt to a changing landscape, find an opening, and punch through any challenge.
It’s not just our work life that presents a possible challenge. Many of us have hobbies or passion projects. It may be woodworking, playing a musical instrument, crafting, painting, building, writing, or anything else that we have a talent for. It’s likely that there are many professionals working in your space and there’s intense competition if you’re trying to generate revenue from your talent. Still competition can make it easy for us to become disheartened and give up, regarding ourselves as nothing more than amateurs. People will tell you that you aren’t any good, to not quit your day job, in an attempt to dissuade you from continuing. However, with relentless positive action, you recognize that while you may not be good today, you’ll be better tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. Your skill will improve over time and you’ll be able to run with the best of them.
Resistance and challenges are inevitable when you’re out there getting it done. When you adopt a mindset of achieving relentless positive action, you can overcome any obstacle, challenge, or roadblock that gets in your way. As you move forward with intensity and determination, you’ll win both at work and in your personal life.
Take Care of Your Home
I’ve gotten into a bad habit lately, where I ignore most of my daily to-dos for the sake of getting more work done. While it does feel good to make significant progress on writing and web design, it feels miserable living in a home that’s unkempt. I know that it’s important to clean and I know how good it feels when everything is in its place, it’s just that sometimes I let things get away from me.
Many times we underestimate the power of cleanliness. Your town likely has an ordinance requiring your lawn to be well kept, yet do we really appreciate the look of a well maintained lawn or do we mow just to avoid the fine? Occasional major cleanups are required, but regularly taking time to tend to your home’s interior and exterior can cause a huge shift in mindset and environment. Taking care of your home’s interior and exterior are important tasks.
Let’s talk about the interior. Every once in a while, your house needs a serious scrubbing. Baseboards, ceilings, laundry rooms, closets, cabinets and the like typically get glazed over during weekly or biweekly cleaning. Things can get really out of hand especially in closed spaces like closets and cabinets. Major cleaning projects should focus on all of these unloved areas. Regular cleaning should be based on the principle of putting away instead of putting down. That means that instead of the dishes going in the sink, they go in the dishwasher. Instead of the mail going on the dining room table, it’s processed, distributed, and discarded.
Living in an apartment is nice because you don’t have to worry about landscaping. Now that Alison and I are living in a townhouse, I’ve become very interested in maintaining our exterior’s appearance. Every Saturday I mow the lawn, cut back weeds, and wash the car. It’s a nice little routine and it’s made Sunday extremely relaxing. All of the work is done and our exterior looks amazing and in a word, inviting. There’s usually larger gardening and landscaping projects to be done from time to time. These larger projects should be done because it can make your house feel more like a home.
In addition to handling the major cleaning and yard work, you most likely have a honey-do list. This list gets its name from your wife asking you to do things, but there are also things that you see that need to get done. They are usually smaller jobs like fixing a window treatment, hanging something, replacing a door lock, or making some other adjustment. All of these little things need to be addressed, but they also give you quick wins. After knocking several of these items off your to-do list, you’ll feel a real sense of accomplishment.
Taking care of your home is time consuming, but it can also be a point of pride as a husband. Living in a home that’s clean and well maintained will preserve the integrity of the structure. Take the time to clean your home’s interior, take care of yard work outside, and complete items on your honey-do list.
Struggling with Focus
The reality of the finite nature of time is never more apparent than when you’re doing something that you really love. For whatever reason, time seems to move particularly fast when you’re engaged in a passion project, having a wonderful day, or experiencing some other great thing. For me, I have ideas of things that I’d like to do with Catholic Husband on a daily basis. Each idea has its own unique opportunity and could lead to other great things. However, I know that the key to success in any endeavor is focus. Without focus, nothing can be accomplished.
Each great idea that you have should be captured in some way, shape, or form. Write it down, keep it in Evernote, email it to yourself, or put it in an idea folder. No matter what you do, make sure that it’s saved somewhere. Review your ideas on a regular basis, especially when you’re between projects, and organize it into a prioritized list. Then, work your list. All ideas are great, but not all ideas should be completed first. Your prioritized list can help you know where you’re going and keep your focus right where it needs to be.
One technique is to have three projects that you’re working on at a time. This may sound like it’s the opposite of focus, but let me explain the system using Catholic Husband as the example. One of these three projects is the primary focus. The primary project is the one that gets most of your attention. My primary project is running the blog. Every day, I spend most of the work time that’s been allocated to Catholic Husband working on writing, editing, and preparing blog posts for publishing. Your other two projects are secondary. The reason that I have two additional projects is so that when I’m feeling tired or blocked in some way with blogging, I can still make forward progress on other projects. It also keeps my pipeline built. While blogging is the primary project, I have book writing and web maintenance as my secondary projects. Catholic Husband is a little bit unique because while my primary project likely won’t change, yours probably will. Regardless, a three project focus will help you move through the tough days and round out your progress.
It’s important to give some consideration to each idea, even if you can’t start work on it immediately. Creative energy is a good thing and it might even flow over into the other projects that you’re working on. Each idea might be a game changer, so don’t let any of them slip away.
Focus is the biggest challenge that any success faces. Along the long road leading to a success are plenty of distractions and exit signs. By capturing each idea and maintaining a regularly reviewed idea list, you can ensure that you stay focused on what’s most important while stimulating your creative energy.
Take Advantage of Living Close
Thankfully, for the nearly three years of our marriage, Alison and I have always lived close to family. That wasn’t my experience growing up as my family moved across the country and around the world. While living in Michigan, we were about 2 miles from her parents and now that we’re living in Virginia, we’re about 90 minutes from my parents. It’s been a new and somewhat strange experience to see my family on a regular basis. In Michigan, we’d often go over to Alison’s parents house for dinner and about once a month now, my dad comes over to go to breakfast with Benedict and I. I know that this closeness won’t last since life changes will inevitably to spread us apart, but I’m making a conscious effort to take advantage of the close proximity while I can.
There’s lots of opportunities for get togethers when you’re an adult and live close to your parents. Birthday parties, Mother’s Day, random day trips, and even play dates all happen on a regular basis. As a young parent, that also means that inexpensive baby sitters are always close at hand, allowing more flexibility for Alison and I’s schedule while affording aunts, uncles, and grandparents more playtime with Benedict. It’s a small reminder of days gone by, when there was a greater emphasis on community and family life. By taking advantage of spending time with parents and extended family who live relatively close by, you strengthen the bonds that you have with those people and give your children the opportunity to form lasting ones as well.
It always seems that we don’t know what we had until it’s gone. While many people will live in the same town all their lives, the economy is driving more and more career related moves or even simply lifestyle moves. Your job might change, your wife might get a promotion, or your parents might move to a home where it’s warm to celebrate their retirement. Something, somewhere will happen and that will cause a move, perhaps one that’s a significant distance away. By taking advantage of the time that you do have, you won’t regret it when the opportunity is no more.
There’s plenty of ways to take full advantage of living nearby. My dad’s monthly breakfast idea is a very creative one. Other ideas are a regular (weekly?) family meal, summer hikes, winter sledding, or even just a night out on the back deck every once in a while. Incorporate everyone’s interests and have some fun. Make great memories and cherish this golden opportunity that you have.
Living close to family can be a great relief to both parents and their adult children. Bonds are maintained, children are raised, and life is shared. While it may not last forever, be sure to take full advantage of the blessing and fun of living in close proximity to your family.
Respect Your Limits
We all have limiting factors in our lives. It may be a health issue, fear, past hurts, or even bad relationships. These limits place constraints on our lives in one way or another. My main limiting factor is migraine headaches. There are jobs that I can’t take, stores that I can’t shop in, and even schedules that I cannot keep because of them. Most recently, I went to an amusement park with my family and realized that rollercoasters can be a trigger for me. In order to have a solid quality of life, it’s important to respect those limits.
The body is vast and complex and as such, there is no perfect machine. Many of us will face major medical issues while others will remain relatively heathy. If we want to maintain a high quality of life, it’s important to respect the limits that our bodies have for us. For example, my migraines are best controlled when I maintain a stable sleep pattern. When I fail to do so, I lose 3-5 days of productivity to the pain and lethargy that migraines bring. So, while I may want to stay up late one night or two, I know that if I do, I’m going to lose. I accept that fact, and stick to my sleep schedule.
It’s important to not aggravate medical conditions. No matter how hard we try or how smart we are, we’ll always lose. I will never beat migraines and trying to do so could cause the attacks to be prolonged. So instead of trying to beat them, I work in harmony with them. I avoid certain stores, I stay on my sleep schedule, and then, because I’m migraine-free, I’m able to do anything that I want.
That’s really the main point. When you respect your limits, you’re able to enjoy what you can do. I may not be able to do x, y, and z, but I can do everything else. We tend to focus on the negative and not the positive. Our limits are probably quite mild compared to some people, and that’s something to be grateful for. I may not be able to join the military, but I can run my own business. I may not be able to stay up late, but I can get a better quality of sleep than most. I may not be able to ride roller coasters, but I can walk around at an amusement park and go on rides with Benedict.
Know your limits, respect your limits, and acknowledge that your limits really aren’t all that limiting.
Humble Yourself
Humility may be the most unpopular virtue. We all love interacting with humble people and we enjoy their company, yet we can’t bear being humble ourselves. We want to be strong, bold, brave, and independent, and humility challenges that view. Whenever we face sin or other struggles in our spiritual life, we can overcome them with humility. In fact, the best way to combat sin is by serving your wife.
I think we all struggle with pride to some degree. When we put ourselves in the number 1 spot, sin becomes much easier. Although it’s natural for us to look out for ourselves first, at the same time it causes us to make decisions that are in our self-interest, which usually leads to reducing someone else. We commit sins against our family like sloth, rage, sins of omission and commission, all because of pride. Pride is bad news and it’s all too easy to get complacent with the role that it plays in our lives.
When you’re ready to have the courage to make a change, and when you understand just how difficult change will be, focus your attention outward. Get hyper focused on serving everyone else in your household. Deny your body’s requests for excessive rest (which is usually just laziness) and be incredibly proactive about doing things for your family. While at first it may look like ordinary chores like cleaning the kitchen or making the bed, soon it will turn into more internal dispositions. You’ll start praying for them by offering up activities, you’ll be proactive in doing nice things for them, you’ll write your wife a love letter, and so much more. The thing is, the more you give of yourself, the more you root out pride in your life, the happier you’ll be.
The body needs to be tamed. We have within our brains hardwired responses to situations, survival mechanisms that usually come out as just plain selfishness in our safe environment. If you really want to make lasting change and if you really want to live free of sin, you’ll have to do what the saints did and build new responses. You’ll have to recognize temptation and pride at their first appearance and respond forcefully. It can be done and it will lead to new heights in your personal life, but it will be a great challenge.
If you want to beat sin and if you want to live a more humble life, begin by serving your wife. Pray for her in the morning, throughout the day while you work, and in the evening. Meet her needs, check things off of your honey-do list, and always be serving. Only then will you know true happiness and true peace.