How to Deal with Traffic
Our National Driver’s Education curriculum needs to be overhauled. At least half of the teaching time needs to be devoted to courtesy on the road. We all have a tendency towards road rage and frankly, it’s too often justified. When we get behind the wheel, it’s as if an alter-ego takes over and all human decency goes out the window. Many of the delays and traffic jams are caused by people being jerks. One day this Spring, Benedict and I were caught in some heavy traffic on our way to pick up Alison from work. While in a 20-minute traffic jam, I saw a man who had all of his windows down, his headphones in, and smoking a cigar. While I don’t approve of the headphones, I do approve of his attitude. He was in traffic, there was no way to avoid it, so he was going to enjoy it.
We can all learn a lot from this man. First, we should plan ahead. If you’re traveling during a busy time, give yourself extra time to get where you’re going so that you have nothing to stress about. The drive takes however long it takes and there’s nothing to be done about it, so that extra time is your safety net. As long as you know how long it will take to get to your destination, and you leave yourself plenty of time, there will be nothing to worry about. It may take 30 minutes longer than it usually does, but you’ll still arrive on time, and that’s all that you need to be concerned about.
Next, remain calm. Bring some great music in the car or enjoy your company. If the weather is nice, roll down the windows and feel the breeze. Look around at the scenery and notice things that you wouldn’t notice at 70 miles per hour. Make this an experience, not something to dread.
Finally, get good intelligence. I use the Waze app everywhere I drive, so I know the best route. Waze helps me minimize the amount of traffic I sit through, although some of it is inevitable. Of course, no matter what, you’ll run into a bunch of jerks trying to cheat the system, but there’s no use getting mad at their poor etiquette. There’s nothing to be done.
While we may never get all of the jerks off of the road, there are certainly things we can do to make our traffic jam experience more bearable. Leave with plenty of time to spare, relax, and remain calm. Do all of these things and you may find yourself a happier driver, even in the worse traffic jams.
Give to the Beggar
Earlier this summer, Alison’s family was in town and we made the trek into DC. While there, I was particularly struck with the number of beggars on the street. Certainly there were more on the street than in previous trips due in part to the nicer weather. Yet, for whatever reason, I was particularly struck with compassion. At one point, I saw a man literally eating trash off of the street, right here, in our Nation’s capital. I think that many of us refrain from giving beggars money for a number of reasons, but lately my thinking has been evolving.
In the old model, when I would see beggars, I may have questioned their validity. Certainly you’ve seen investigative journalists do stories on your local news revealing so-called beggars on street corners who walk away and get into nice cars. We’ve also questioned how a beggar may spend any money that we give them. Will they buy cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs? In those cases, wouldn’t our “gift” contribute to their continued problems? We’ve also convinced ourselves that there are government programs to help these people, and while there certainly are such programs, they can be hard to access.
Although this old way does have some merit, I’ve started to move towards a new way of thinking. I think that if I give money to someone who asks, the sin is not mine if they use it to buy drugs. Instead, the greater sin would be to refuse to help if I had the means to help. I’ve begun to carry around small amounts of cash in my wallet. My system is simple; if I see a beggar and feel moved by compassion in my gut, then I’ll pull out my wallet and help. We need to get back to a point where we see all people as humans, looking on all people with compassion. We know what helpless and hopeless looks like, and in those cases, we can help with a clean conscience. I’m proposing that we take each situation on a case-by-case basis and that we trust our own intuition.
I don’t think there’s a wrong approach. If you decide to not give directly to beggars, but instead to charities that reach out and help them, that’s a good thing. If you give small amounts of cash or restaurant gift cards to beggars on the street, that’s a good thing. The important thing in this whole discussion is that you help, either by doing it yourself or by empowering an organization to do so. Let’s never forget about these poor souls who need our help.
Blazing Your Own Path
I wish I had started my web design business back in college. The free enterprise system and the American Dream are built on the idea that if you can do something or sell something, then the only limiting factor is you. You don’t need anyone’s permission. Just get out there and get it done. If I had started years ago, I’d be in a very different place right now. Yet, I’m not going to spend much time dwelling on those missed opportunities. Instead, I’m going to blaze a path forward.
Too many of us live in fear when it comes to our careers. We crave job security, yet job security is a myth. Any company, at any time, no matter how big or small can either grow exponentially or be days away from closing their doors. We desperately want pay raises, but while performance is a must, a company can only afford so much compensation. It’s a great strategy to not put all of your eggs in one basket.
If you want to blaze your own path, if you want to work on some passion that you’ve always had, start small and start on the side. Keep pushing hard at your day job, get home and push hard for a few more hours on your side job. Limit your expenditures, grow slowly, and know that if you can drive it forward, you can win. You may not be ready to work full time on your side job today, but you might be ready next year, or in two years.
If you have something that you truly love, find a way to build it into a business, work like crazy, and make it happen. The only thing standing in between you and success is you. Push, charge, fight, and win.
Be Emotionally Present
Growing up, one of the staples of my day happened just before bed. As I lay in bed, my dad would come into my room and we’d have a “goodnight talk.” These few minutes just before I fell asleep would be full of conversation, jokes, and inevitably, some tickling. We could discuss whatever I wanted, I could ask any question because it was my time. Perhaps my favorite goodnight talk would be when my dad “made” me into bread, which was essentially a few minutes of tickling, rolling, and general silliness. There’s so much talk in parenting circles today about the importance and impact of strong fathers and my dad’s goodnight talks could be a case study in effective parenting. Perhaps the most difficult part about his being deployed so often was that we’d miss out on many goodnight talks.
In a world of distractions, it’s critically important that we, as husbands and fathers, be ready to drop whatever we’re doing for our family. We know that downtime is often filled with surfing the internet, mindlessly playing a game on our phone, or any number of other activities. These distractions tend to leave the family in a group of silos, each doing their own thing completely cut off from one another.
While alone time is certainly a good thing, time together is also a good thing. Spend some of your free time doing something together, like watching a movie without phones or reading together in the family room. Yet, the danger is not in the time or the activity itself. The danger is becoming so engaged in something, that you’re unable to be emotionally present to your family.
Being emotionally present is the same as being emotionally available. The lives of your entire family, though moving in the same general direction, are essentially different timelines. That means that while you’re grilling on the deck, your daughter might get into a fight with a friend. While you’re reading a book, your wife might be in a place where she really needs to process an issue from work with you. While you’re planning an important project, your son might need to talk to you about a situation he’s found himself in. If you’re emotionally present to your family, you’re able and willing to stop doing whatever you’re doing, at any point, and give your full time and attention to the family member that needs you.
While this may seem to be an inefficient time management technique, the fact is that you’ll still have plenty of time to work through whatever you’re working on. Problems aren’t constantly boiling over and requiring your attention, and honestly, it’s far more important for your family to know that you’re available than for them to actually use your availability. Just the fact that they know that they can come to you at any time, for any reason is really all that they need to feel secure, and to be better able to work through their problems independently before bringing them to you. Beyond being available, have dedicated times for communication, like my dad’s goodnight talks. This will create a chance for your wife to share whatever is going on her in life and for your kids to be reminded, again, that they’re loved.
Having an emotionally present husband and father is a huge asset to your family. Your kids will be more stable and better able to thrive in their environment and your wife will know that she can rely on you at any moment when she really needs you.
Deck Life
Our townhouse has a small and very cheap deck built onto the back. It doesn’t sit very high off the ground and the wood is in terrible shape. It was built sixteen years ago and hasn’t been treated, cleaned, or stained ever. While it’s nothing fancy, it’s a decent place to hang out. This year for my birthday, my parents got me several deck items from IKEA and now it’s an amazing place to hang out at night! If you have some outdoor space at your home, dress it up a bit and enjoy these summer nights outdoors with great company.
There’s something romantic about summer nights. The sun doesn’t set until late, and the relative cool of the evening brings relief after hot days. It’s magical to be outside, listening to great music, hanging out with friends, and enjoying a beer. It’s the kind of night that’s the stuff of legend. Yet, even if you don’t have friends over, it can be awesome to just hang
out with your wife, read a book, or watch a movie under the stars.
Beautiful nights should be enjoyed as much as days. When the weather is just right, I long all day for the sun to go down so that Alison and I can go out on the deck and enjoy the night. It’s slow-paced, relaxing, and just a great atmosphere. Hanging out on the deck brings the day to a perfect close. Plus, if you can see the stars from your home, it’s really an injustice for you not to go outside and enjoy them.
When you can, bring friends out onto your deck at night. Keep it to an intimate setting, but relax and enjoy the company. Nights under the stars and lit by soft deck lighting is the perfect fluid for great conversations. Laugh, eat, drink, and enjoy life.
Whether or not you have a deck, it’s just as important to enjoy the summer nights as it is to enjoy the summer days. So grill up some food, invite some friends over, and marvel at the night sky.
Drink More Water
Growing up, my Dad drank a lot of water. So much so, that he had a Brita filter in the refrigerator that was for his use only. Of course, that rule only existed because my siblings and I loved cold water, but hated refilling the pitcher. For the longest time, I hated water and lived almost exclusively on milk. Yet, over the past few years, I’ve reversed course and moved almost exclusively to drinking water. We underestimate the importance of water in our lives, to our detriment.
Water is the fluid that powers our bodies. It keeps things moving, clears impurities and helps our organs and digestive systems operate at full capacity. Water truly quenches thirst and provides tons of benefits to our health. Yet, we either forget about it, or we avoid it because of taste or because it causes our bathroom use to increase. Given its innumerable benefits, and the clear advantage that water has over any soda, we should really plan to increase our intake throughout the day.
It’s generally suggested that we drink 64oz of water a day, more so if you’re physically active. 64oz is the equivalent of four 16oz glasses, which really means that if you have a glass of water at each meal and then one at another time during the day, you’ll hit the magic number. What I’ve found is that the more water I drink, the more I want it. It’s very similar to the body desiring more healthy foods after you eat something healthy.
Over time, as you maintain your water intake, your body will adjust and your bathroom use will decrease. If health is your goal, there’s just no way around the need to increase your water consumption. It does a body good and can help you feel great. I encourage you to take a look at how much water you’re drinking and ensure that you’re at least getting 64oz a day. You’ll be so glad you did.
Rest vs. Idleness
Idle hands are the Devil’s tools, yet God rested on the 7th day. Rest and idleness are very close cousins and it can be difficult to figure out which is which. While rest leads to rejuvenation, idleness leads to a near occasion of sin. Which is which and how do we make sure we’re resting and not simply idling?
Has there ever been a time when you watched a lot of TV after a hard work week, only to realize at the end that you’d accomplished nothing? Certainly your hard work merited a break, but not a break that turned into wasted time. Rest is recovery from good work while idleness is laziness. Rest is sitting down to watch a movie with no technology at hand to distract you. Idleness is mindlessly surfing the Internet. While rest promotes health, idleness is most often a near occasion of sin.
Give yourself the rest that you’re due. Your body, mind, and spirit need the downtime to rebuild energy. Your mind needs a break to restore its creative powers. Be careful, though. Never take more rest than you’ve earned. Never let a good thing like rest turn into something negative like idleness.
Dad the Driver
Family road trips are the stuff of legend. Earlier this year, Alison, Benedict, and I rented a van and made the 12 hour drive to Michigan. It was my first trip driving a minivan since I was in high school and boy was having all of that space nice! In my family, my dad would always drive on our road trips. Now that I’m the dad doing the driving, I know that providing a safe and comfortable trip for my family is a great experience.
The fun and adventure for us dads begins even before the wheels start rolling. We spend hours prepping the car and getting everything just right. Of course, there’s the packing and repacking to achieve maximum efficiency but there’s also the strategically stored amenities. These amenities may include bottled water in each cup holder, pillows and blankets within arms reach, and toys for the kids. The objective is for everything to be completely perfect for the family to get in the car, relax, and enjoy the journey. In addition to preparing the ride for our passengers, there’s also preparation for us, like checking fluids, storing an umbrella by our seat, and getting our navigation system ready to go.
One of the biggest differences in travel with kids is the number of stops that the family has to make. There are stops for gas, but mostly stops for restrooms. While at first these frequent breaks annoyed me, I soon learned to enjoy the rest. I enjoyed the experience of taking a road trip as opposed to the rush to get to our destination as quickly as possible. Those stops translated into better driving, me feeling more rested, and an overall better trip.
Taking care of your family while on the road is just another way of caring. We take responsibility for the safety and wellbeing of our family, and through our diligent preparation and safe driving, we do just that. While it’s true that road trips as a family take considerably longer when your kids are involved, the whole adventure itself is much more gratifying.
Refuse to Fall
There comes a point in our lives when we have to stand up to sin. Sin, both great and small, has the ability to divert us away from the path that we wish to follow. We’re only overcome by sin when we consent to it, and so we must summon the courage to say no more.
Use the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist to gain the graces you need for battle. Fortify yourself through prayer and good works daily. Suit up and fight when temptation confronts you. Avoid directly causing temptation and track your victories.
Sin depends on your complicity. Don’t give it the time of day.
Know Your Mother
I find it easier to understand God’s surpassing mercy now that I am a parent. The love that I feel for Benedict, and my deep seated desire to do all that I can to make him comfortable, causes me to do things that are borderline irrational. Although he’s not at an age where he appreciates treats, when he’s sick I want to go to the store and buy things to bring him comfort. When I get frustrated with his occasional bad behavior, I get over it pretty quickly. All things in my mind are directed toward his care and well-being. This irrational parental love is something that God has for us. Understanding how I can overlook any of Benedict’s flaws gives me a small insight into God’s ability to forgive our transgressions. He simply has a parent’s love.
Moving deeper into that thought, I’m reminded of the maternal compassion that Mary has for us. Though I’m not a mother and will never fully comprehend the deep connection that a mother shares with her child, I do at least understand that it’s far stronger than the connection that I feel with Benedict. A mother grows and nurtures new life within her during pregnancy and then sustains that life for the first several months after birth. I think many would agree that a mother yearns with her whole being for the welfare of her children. Just as your mother yearns for your wellbeing, and your wife yearns for your children’s wellbeing, so too does Mary yearn for us to be in Heaven with her Son.
Understanding who Mary is as our mother and how she so deeply wishes to be in our lives can lead us to a stronger spiritual life. Consider the events surrounding the numerous verified Marian apparitions throughout the World. Mary appears to the lowliest of people in our society. The Mother of God, the woman we consider to be Queen of Heaven and Earth appears from time to time to the poorest and those held in the least regard. I think this clearly demonstrates her desire to be connected with us and to help us on what she knows to be a difficult Earthly journey.
Having a relationship with Mary is as easy as picking up a phone, but some structure will be helpful. When you’re ready to cultivate a meaningful relationship with her, I’d recommend that you pick up some guides or books that focus on the theology and person of Mary. The Rosary would be the most obvious starting point, but at the same time, not all prayers work for all people. You could take up the practice of praying the Angelus, starting your day with the Memorare, or consider doing the Marian Consecration. The Consecration is a relatively popular devotion put together by St. Louis de Montfort. The Consecration consists of 33 days of advanced prayer and preparation culminating in a pledge of love and fidelity to Mary on a Marian feast day. No matter what structure you put in place, building out this relationship will take time, but it will also bring great rewards. This isn’t us forming a utilitarian relationship. This is about us getting to know our Mother, our Mother who loves us and has promised graces and aid to all who ask.
There’s no doubt that we have a difficult life here on Earth. Our senses are strong and temptation is everywhere. In this climate, Mary extends her hand to us. Through the process of building a relationship and getting to know Mary better, we can become better Catholics and gain a deeper understanding of the person of Christ.