Struggling with Focus
The reality of the finite nature of time is never more apparent than when you’re doing something that you really love. For whatever reason, time seems to move particularly fast when you’re engaged in a passion project, having a wonderful day, or experiencing some other great thing. For me, I have ideas of things that I’d like to do with Catholic Husband on a daily basis. Each idea has its own unique opportunity and could lead to other great things. However, I know that the key to success in any endeavor is focus. Without focus, nothing can be accomplished.
Each great idea that you have should be captured in some way, shape, or form. Write it down, keep it in Evernote, email it to yourself, or put it in an idea folder. No matter what you do, make sure that it’s saved somewhere. Review your ideas on a regular basis, especially when you’re between projects, and organize it into a prioritized list. Then, work your list. All ideas are great, but not all ideas should be completed first. Your prioritized list can help you know where you’re going and keep your focus right where it needs to be.
One technique is to have three projects that you’re working on at a time. This may sound like it’s the opposite of focus, but let me explain the system using Catholic Husband as the example. One of these three projects is the primary focus. The primary project is the one that gets most of your attention. My primary project is running the blog. Every day, I spend most of the work time that’s been allocated to Catholic Husband working on writing, editing, and preparing blog posts for publishing. Your other two projects are secondary. The reason that I have two additional projects is so that when I’m feeling tired or blocked in some way with blogging, I can still make forward progress on other projects. It also keeps my pipeline built. While blogging is the primary project, I have book writing and web maintenance as my secondary projects. Catholic Husband is a little bit unique because while my primary project likely won’t change, yours probably will. Regardless, a three project focus will help you move through the tough days and round out your progress.
It’s important to give some consideration to each idea, even if you can’t start work on it immediately. Creative energy is a good thing and it might even flow over into the other projects that you’re working on. Each idea might be a game changer, so don’t let any of them slip away.
Focus is the biggest challenge that any success faces. Along the long road leading to a success are plenty of distractions and exit signs. By capturing each idea and maintaining a regularly reviewed idea list, you can ensure that you stay focused on what’s most important while stimulating your creative energy.
Take Advantage of Living Close
Thankfully, for the nearly three years of our marriage, Alison and I have always lived close to family. That wasn’t my experience growing up as my family moved across the country and around the world. While living in Michigan, we were about 2 miles from her parents and now that we’re living in Virginia, we’re about 90 minutes from my parents. It’s been a new and somewhat strange experience to see my family on a regular basis. In Michigan, we’d often go over to Alison’s parents house for dinner and about once a month now, my dad comes over to go to breakfast with Benedict and I. I know that this closeness won’t last since life changes will inevitably to spread us apart, but I’m making a conscious effort to take advantage of the close proximity while I can.
There’s lots of opportunities for get togethers when you’re an adult and live close to your parents. Birthday parties, Mother’s Day, random day trips, and even play dates all happen on a regular basis. As a young parent, that also means that inexpensive baby sitters are always close at hand, allowing more flexibility for Alison and I’s schedule while affording aunts, uncles, and grandparents more playtime with Benedict. It’s a small reminder of days gone by, when there was a greater emphasis on community and family life. By taking advantage of spending time with parents and extended family who live relatively close by, you strengthen the bonds that you have with those people and give your children the opportunity to form lasting ones as well.
It always seems that we don’t know what we had until it’s gone. While many people will live in the same town all their lives, the economy is driving more and more career related moves or even simply lifestyle moves. Your job might change, your wife might get a promotion, or your parents might move to a home where it’s warm to celebrate their retirement. Something, somewhere will happen and that will cause a move, perhaps one that’s a significant distance away. By taking advantage of the time that you do have, you won’t regret it when the opportunity is no more.
There’s plenty of ways to take full advantage of living nearby. My dad’s monthly breakfast idea is a very creative one. Other ideas are a regular (weekly?) family meal, summer hikes, winter sledding, or even just a night out on the back deck every once in a while. Incorporate everyone’s interests and have some fun. Make great memories and cherish this golden opportunity that you have.
Living close to family can be a great relief to both parents and their adult children. Bonds are maintained, children are raised, and life is shared. While it may not last forever, be sure to take full advantage of the blessing and fun of living in close proximity to your family.
Respect Your Limits
We all have limiting factors in our lives. It may be a health issue, fear, past hurts, or even bad relationships. These limits place constraints on our lives in one way or another. My main limiting factor is migraine headaches. There are jobs that I can’t take, stores that I can’t shop in, and even schedules that I cannot keep because of them. Most recently, I went to an amusement park with my family and realized that rollercoasters can be a trigger for me. In order to have a solid quality of life, it’s important to respect those limits.
The body is vast and complex and as such, there is no perfect machine. Many of us will face major medical issues while others will remain relatively heathy. If we want to maintain a high quality of life, it’s important to respect the limits that our bodies have for us. For example, my migraines are best controlled when I maintain a stable sleep pattern. When I fail to do so, I lose 3-5 days of productivity to the pain and lethargy that migraines bring. So, while I may want to stay up late one night or two, I know that if I do, I’m going to lose. I accept that fact, and stick to my sleep schedule.
It’s important to not aggravate medical conditions. No matter how hard we try or how smart we are, we’ll always lose. I will never beat migraines and trying to do so could cause the attacks to be prolonged. So instead of trying to beat them, I work in harmony with them. I avoid certain stores, I stay on my sleep schedule, and then, because I’m migraine-free, I’m able to do anything that I want.
That’s really the main point. When you respect your limits, you’re able to enjoy what you can do. I may not be able to do x, y, and z, but I can do everything else. We tend to focus on the negative and not the positive. Our limits are probably quite mild compared to some people, and that’s something to be grateful for. I may not be able to join the military, but I can run my own business. I may not be able to stay up late, but I can get a better quality of sleep than most. I may not be able to ride roller coasters, but I can walk around at an amusement park and go on rides with Benedict.
Know your limits, respect your limits, and acknowledge that your limits really aren’t all that limiting.
Humble Yourself
Humility may be the most unpopular virtue. We all love interacting with humble people and we enjoy their company, yet we can’t bear being humble ourselves. We want to be strong, bold, brave, and independent, and humility challenges that view. Whenever we face sin or other struggles in our spiritual life, we can overcome them with humility. In fact, the best way to combat sin is by serving your wife.
I think we all struggle with pride to some degree. When we put ourselves in the number 1 spot, sin becomes much easier. Although it’s natural for us to look out for ourselves first, at the same time it causes us to make decisions that are in our self-interest, which usually leads to reducing someone else. We commit sins against our family like sloth, rage, sins of omission and commission, all because of pride. Pride is bad news and it’s all too easy to get complacent with the role that it plays in our lives.
When you’re ready to have the courage to make a change, and when you understand just how difficult change will be, focus your attention outward. Get hyper focused on serving everyone else in your household. Deny your body’s requests for excessive rest (which is usually just laziness) and be incredibly proactive about doing things for your family. While at first it may look like ordinary chores like cleaning the kitchen or making the bed, soon it will turn into more internal dispositions. You’ll start praying for them by offering up activities, you’ll be proactive in doing nice things for them, you’ll write your wife a love letter, and so much more. The thing is, the more you give of yourself, the more you root out pride in your life, the happier you’ll be.
The body needs to be tamed. We have within our brains hardwired responses to situations, survival mechanisms that usually come out as just plain selfishness in our safe environment. If you really want to make lasting change and if you really want to live free of sin, you’ll have to do what the saints did and build new responses. You’ll have to recognize temptation and pride at their first appearance and respond forcefully. It can be done and it will lead to new heights in your personal life, but it will be a great challenge.
If you want to beat sin and if you want to live a more humble life, begin by serving your wife. Pray for her in the morning, throughout the day while you work, and in the evening. Meet her needs, check things off of your honey-do list, and always be serving. Only then will you know true happiness and true peace.
Be Okay Being Alone
It used to be that I’d take my regular walks alone. Before Benedict arrived, and even in his first few months of life, while it was bitterly cold outside, I’d spend about an hour a day doing my walk in solitude. I’d have a set path that I’d take and while walking I’d listen to podcasts. It was a great time to clear my head, be alone with my thoughts, and think. I’d encourage you to find some time in your week to clear your head by being alone.
You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Between work, your wife, and your kids, you’re a busy guy. Your responsibilities include meeting work deadlines, meeting your wife’s needs, and raising your children. These three areas alone are enough to fill your day, and you haven’t had time to take care of yourself yet. In order to be a good husband and father, you need time and space to process the events of your life.
Space lends perspective. It lowers stress and leads to new ideas. My simple 60 minute walk was all that I needed to get great exercise, to become healthier, and to process my day. Your space may be different. It might be woodworking, running, plumbing, bicycling, or reading. No matter what your space looks like, use it on a daily basis.
The tricky part with fitting space in your life is that you shouldn’t do it at the expense of your family. There are appropriate times during the day where you can gain the benefits of space and time alone without reducing time with your family or interfering with their schedule. It might be early in the morning or late at night, but it’s in there somewhere. It might also be while the kids are in school and your wife is at work. Speaking of your wife, she could use some alone time, too! Give it as a gift to her. Watch the kids while she gets some space, or remove the expectation that you spend the evening together by giving her some time to take a bath or read a book.
We’re uncomfortable with silence and we’re uncomfortable being alone. Yet, it’s precisely in the silence and it’s precisely in the time when we’re alone that true rest and rejuvenation hide. Our best ideas come out, we process the events of our lives, and we emerge from this time with our batteries fully charged. Take time to be alone, take time to get some space, and do it at a time and in a place where you have no other obligations.
Never Miss An Opportunity
Throughout any given day, we have plenty of opportunities to do the right thing. Several months ago, I was grocery shopping when I saw a man in a power scooter reaching for a product on the top shelf. A teen employee from the store stood there and watched. I felt compelled to help the man, and so I did. If I hadn’t, the man’s life wouldn’t have been any different. I’m sure there are many times during the day when he has to reach for something that’s just out of reach. I’m not a hero, but I’d hope that my small act of kindness made him feel a little more human that day. Every day brings us dozens of opportunities to serve and help our neighbor and I hope that you’re taking action on at least a few of them.
Serving someone, especially in our societal climate today, can make a huge impact on someone’s life. We’re all turned in on ourselves and we’re all very busy. We don’t have time to help and we simply need to get on our way. So when you take a moment to help someone, you show the world that humanity still exists. You show the other people around you who observe your small act of kindness that being connected still matters. You might even find that the person most profoundly impacted by your small act is you.
Oftentimes these acts of kindness are hard to see. They’re disguised as a hungry veteran, an elderly person reaching for something, or a child needing school supplies. They’re disguised as a canned food drive, or a young pregnant mother, or an exhausted set of parents. They’re disguised as a neighbor trying to fix a lawnmower or a colleague in the hospital. If you take the time to train your eyes to see these opportunities in plain sight, and if you’re open to serving others, you’ll find endless chances to bring some light to someone else’s life.
You don’t always have to leave your house to find opportunities to serve. In your marriage there are opportunities for you to strengthen your bonds and to ease your wife’s burdens. Many of these opportunities have been posted on this blog in the past, so there’s no need to revisit them. However, each day you’re either working towards a stronger marriage or you’re not. You get to decide.
Service to others, and performing spiritual and corporal works of mercy at random are beautiful things. Not only will you help bring some small comfort to someone else, you may just find that you walk away a changed person.
Spiritual Springs
Growing up, my grandparents’ house was our vacation destination of choice. My Dad was often stationed on the East Coast, so the trip to south Georgia wasn’t a big deal. I can remember one Easter trip in particular. On Easter Sunday, we went to the sunrise Mass held outdoors in a field. The grass was wet with dew, the sun was just barely peaking over the horizon, and there was something incredibly refreshing about the entire experience. Although I was just a little boy, there was something profound and lasting about uniting the celebration of Easter Mass outside with a quintessential Spring morning.
The reality of sin in our lives and the power that we give it from time to time can be depressing. In fact, the simple reality that the odds of us failing again, even after resolving to amend our lives, can be quite sad. Yet, even when faced with the giant obstacle of overcoming sin, we still remain optimistic. In fact, at times we may even be called idealistic. We have such a bright outlook because our faith is like that Easter Sunday spring morning in south Georgia. Our faith is full of hope, promise, and renewal.
While spring time is a fairly predictable occurrence in our calendar year, spiritual springs in our faith life aren’t. The events of our days, weeks, months, and years often have a profound impact on how we feel our relationship with God is going. These events either push us closer to God or cause us to feel that God is further away. Though incredibly difficult in practice, modeling our faith after that of the perennially faithful Biblical Job can be helpful. He endured so many trials, tribulations, and loss, yet he always praised and thanked God. In fact, all of the great characters of the Bible, the mystics and doctors of the Church had something in common: they were so attuned to God that they were able to accept and accomplish great missions. They labored endlessly and with singleness of purpose to improve their relationship with God. Then, when God came and asked great things of them, they were ready. The times that make us feel incredibly far from God are the times that we need to cultivate our spirit. In the times when things are going really well and we feel incredibly close to God, we need to fortify ourselves against temptation that seeks to steal that peace away from us.
Spiritual springs can be an amazing time for personal and spiritual growth. Like the hope and newness of spring, we’re intoxicated with the spiritual things in our life. This intoxication is good, like an infatuated teenager all of our thoughts and actions are directed at pleasing God and growing in greater favor. This isn’t naive, this is the way things ought to be! When you’re in a spiritual spring, be an excellent observer of your own life. Notice how possible it is to have a great prayer life, how to direct your thoughts to being better attuned to God, and how you’re able to resist temptations that would’ve tripped you up before. Then, take that personal growth and apply it to other parts of your life.
It’s important that we not forget that all of these things should be taken in moderation. Attempting to do too much all at once will lead to fatigue and end your spring prematurely. Focus on doing one thing, following Christ, and let everything else fall into place behind that objective. Spring is a wonderful time and spiritual springs can be incredibly refreshing, especially after prolonged periods of darkness. When you find yourself in a spring, fortify yourself for winter and love God and His people endlessly.
Get Your Wife to Heaven
If you want to be a really good husband, direct all of your actions towards getting your wife into Heaven. Essentially, that’s our mission in the married life. Certainly our love is meant to be shared completely and we’re to accept and raise any children that come into existence as a result. Yet, at the end of the day, everything points back to getting your wife into Heaven. What are you doing to accomplish that mission?
Marriage and our human minds are often at odds. While we’re certainly capable of living a faithful marriage, our mind struggles with the idea that it should be first seeking to aid and support someone else, even before self-preservation. This desire to look out before turning in on oneself is something that must be controlled through discipline. Your objective is to help your wife live a holy life and doing that will often look like something completely different.
Helping your wife live a holy life might look an awful lot like putting your kids to bed or cleaning the kitchen. Helping your wife live a holy life might look a lot like writing her a love letter or drawing a bath for her. You can help your wife live a holy life by removing friction in your relationship. Oftentimes, we cause our wife to sin or be tempted to sin. The near occasion of sin isn’t because of our ripped abs or perfectly chiseled face, but because we fail in our basic relational and domestic duties, which can cause her to become angry and impatient. The gold standard husband would be disciplined enough to be more concerned about her than he is about himself. He’d help her in any way, pray for her constantly, and not lead his wife into sin.
You don’t want your wife to suffer. You seek the good for her and try to make her as comfortable as possible. You want what’s best for her. All of these things are good things and they’re the exact reasons that in addition to helping her with her material needs, you need to help her with her spiritual needs. Lead family prayer, go to Mass together, and take care of the kids so she can make it to Confession every once in a while. You can go a step further by praying for her daily and frequently throughout the day. Pray her for in the morning, at night, at meals, and by offering up small things throughout the day.
Your mission is to get your wife to Heaven. That’s your priority. You can help by reducing the instances that would give her cause to be upset or impatient, you can help by praying for her, and you can help by meeting her spiritual needs. At the end of the day, your vocation is to help your wife live a holy life. Start helping her do that right now.
Sin Isn’t A Foregone Conclusion
There are many myths surrounding sin. These myths are lies that we’ve either told ourselves or have entered into our mind in some other way, perhaps by way of a book we read or something we were told. I’ve believed, for too long, that sin will happen as a foregone conclusion. I’m human, I’m flawed, therefore despite my best efforts, I’ll sin. Yet, that isn’t entirely true. In fact, the belief that habitual sin is a foregone conclusion is false. One has only to look to the saints to recognize that reality. It isn’t an easy place to get to, but it has been proven possible.
Confession frees us from the burden of sin and also from some of the inclination. When you leave the Sacrament, having been absolved, your defenses are completely intact. You’re back up to full health and ready to take on the world. It’s when you let that first sin occur that your defenses begin to weaken. As sin compounds on itself, your defenses are depleted until you make it back to Confession. It’s our choice to sin, whether we like to admit it or not. Therefore, if we can choose to sin, so can we choose not to sin.
Along with Confession we have the Eucharist. If Confession frees us, the Eucharist perfects us. We take into ourselves the fullness of God and become living tabernacles. All of this is hard to see and recognize because there’s no outward change, but inside, the game is completely different. The God who created everything in six days, who sustains life, is dwelling physically within us. Change is definite, if we accept it. I once heard a priest make a very startling, but telling analogy between the Eucharist and Tylenol. He said that we put more faith in Tylenol than we do in the Eucharist. When you take Tylenol, you expect something to happen. So when you receive the Eucharist, why wouldn’t you expect even greater things to happen? Perhaps our lives and the choices that we make are the barrier to God doing tremendous things through us.
At the end of the day, it all comes back to trusting in God over trusting in ourselves. Jesus' message of mercy has been repeated throughout the centuries, and will again come into focus during the upcoming Jubilee year. We have the message of Divine Mercy and we have the powerful words of absolution in Confession. God is here, and He has come to lift us up from the base life that our bodies want us to live so that we can live in a state of true happiness. Again, we may be the only thing stopping ourselves from reaching that state of holiness today.
When we look at the lives of the saints, we tend to focus on where they ended, in Heaven. We overlook their struggles with rage, anger, gluttony, lust, pride, and many of the other sinful inclinations that we ourselves battle every day. Sainthood isn’t an instant perfection. Rather, it’s a life’s work of tending the garden of your soul and painstakingly weeding out our sinful inclinations.
When you leave Confession believing that sin is inevitable, or when you choose to commit sin based on the belief that you’re going to sin anyway, you undercut God’s words and His promise. The graces are there, we just have to have the courage to change.
Thank A Vet
Five words are all it takes to make the difference in a service member’s life. We see men and women all the time who are either currently serving in our Armed Forces or wearing apparel that tells us that they served. I strongly encourage you to take a moment, stop them, and say, “Thank you for your service.”
My dad used to have a sticker on his laptop from the Military Order of the Purple Heart that read, “If you enjoy your freedom, thank a vet.” The truth in that statement is part of the reason why our Nation has been so successful in defending our way of life. With very little exception, our military services have been an all-volunteer force. Today, every man and woman in uniform is there, defending us and our families, because they raised their hand. We can go to sleep at night in peace, without fear because our Nation asked for their help, and they stepped up to the plate. We need to be sure that our veterans know how much we appreciate their sacrifice.
There’s never an inappropriate time to thank a service member. No matter where they’re going or what they’re doing, it’s always the right time to stop them for a few seconds and to thank them. In elevators, on mass transit systems, at restaurants, in airports, in shopping malls, or even just walking down the street. Whenever you see a service member in uniform, stop and thank them.
It’s important to not just thank those currently serving. We are where we are today thanks to the countless veterans who’ve served in armed conflict and in peace time throughout the past century. Many of the older veterans are easily spotted with their signature hats or jackets. You might even spot a few others who have custom t-shirts or who are wearing the pin of a service medal that they earned. When you see one of these individuals, thank them, too! The thanks from a member of the public means a lot to those currently serving, but even more to those who served honorably long ago. It’s a reminder to these older veterans that their service is not forgotten.
I’ve written many times about setting the right example for your kids, and this is another small habit that you need to pass on. At any time, in any place, when you see someone who is currently serving in the military or a veteran who served in days gone by, give them the courtesy of five simple words to express your gratitude, “Thank you for your service.”