Be A Brave Parent
Most days, I’m surprised that I’m a father. Certainly Benedict has been in my life for nearly two years, yet actually being in these shoes, it’s still quite shocking. I know that the challenge of parenthood is going to be the biggest one that I face, and I know that it evolves every single day as he grows. I’m learning all that I can so that I can help Benedict be a man, with a clean heart and a free conscience.
Too many parents strike the wrong balance in their relationship with their children. They attempt an approach that places undue stress, pressure, and anxiety on their child by letting them parent themselves in critical areas. The results are oftentimes disastrous, leaving lifelong scars. We need to be brave. We need to be brave enough to let our children be kids by being their parents.
A child is a beautiful gift, a life waiting to be formed, and they need loving supervision. As we all get to experience the benefits of advancing technology, we need to understand how it truly is a double-edged sword. It can carry us forward and open up new worlds to us, but it can also drag us into dark places and destroy our family. Giving your child unfettered, unmonitored access to the internet not only opens them up to the opportunity to form dangerous addictions or engage in cyber bullying, it also opens them up to attacks. I encourage you to take deliberate steps to limit the use of technology by your children, and in that way, help them to understand the benefits and risks, so that they might make better choices.
As a parent, you’re always teaching. We are, after all, the primary educators of our children. The topics won’t always be math, science, and history, and truthfully, we should be more concerned with their human formation. I’d rather have a child who doesn’t know his times tables but is a gentle and caring person than have an educated jerk. Our instructions, in bite-sized pieces should cover chivalry, modesty, and decision making. They need these lessons so that they might live in the world with the knowledge of how to treat people and live in community.
We don’t raise kids, we raise adults. Through our actions, guidance, and behavioral corrections, we’re forming healthy adults. Eventually, the training wheels will come off. The question is, will they be prepared?
Dress Up for Mass
Growing up, my family always dressed up for Mass. Though I recognize how expensive it must’ve been for my parents to dress three growing kids in nice clothes for Church, my brother and I always had on slacks and occasionally a blazer while my sister wore nice dresses. These days, Sunday is just about the only day during the week when I dress up. As my small business has me mostly doing web design for clients during the week, I’m typically wearing a graphic t-shirt and some plaid shorts. There’s something really nice about Sunday morning putting on a suit, tie, and some nice shoes.
There’s always been talk about the appropriateness of attire at Mass. Standards vary in all regions of the country and everyone certainly has an opinion. While I don’t necessarily think that a suit is a must, I do think that at the very least a button down shirt and slacks are required. If you’d dress up for a date, to go to court, to attend a funeral, to go to a nice dinner, or to meet the President, you should dress up for Mass.
Mass is a challenging thing for a human to experience and process. The supernatural experiences aren’t generally perceived by the eye, so to most of us, Mass looks like a guy we know up front delivering a speech and sharing a very meager snack. If we could see the reality of what actually happens, we’d change a lot of our attitudes. We’d watch measly bread turn into human tissue, body and soul of our Savior, we’d watch an entire complement of saints and angels surrounding the altar, adoring. If we could actually see, we’d watch people light up as they received Communion, we’d watch venial sins be forgiven, we’d see Jesus Himself giving the homily. If we were able to see all that, every week, we’d sell everything that we had to afford a nice suit.
Going to Mass is going to someone’s house. We’ve been invited to share and eat together. So when we dress up for Mass, we not only show respect to the host, no pun intended, but we show respect to God’s house. What we wear communicates our attitude, which is why we don’t chew gum, bring McDonald’s, text our friends, or sip our morning coffee during the liturgy. We dress up because we want to be respectful. On a more basic level, our clothes get us in the right mindset. School uniforms prepare students for learning. Gym clothes get us ready to workout. Pajamas help us prepare for bed while comfy sweatpants help us unwind at the end of the day. In the same way, our Sunday best get us ready to worship and praise the Creator of the universe. Clothes direct our thoughts and actions and so we should dress in a manner that befits Mass.
Wear nice clothes to Mass and make sure your kids do, too.
Pride and Money Mistakes
Money just might be the most personal thing in the world. Almost no other topic causes people to become defensive so quickly. After graduating from college, I went overboard and maxed out several credit cards. It was a big mistake and one that set me back two years in my financial plan. When I realized my mistake, with the help of those around me, I found a plan and worked my way back out. Money and pride are closely linked together and they’re a deadly duo. We make mistakes, but pride compounds the problem. We need to take a few steps to help keep our money in check.
First, leave your emotions out of the situation. Emotions can cause you to either want something or to feel shame. Dealing with your money isn’t about posturing. Instead, it’s about devising a plan and executing on that plan. When you have repeated problems, you’ve got to get in there and do some investigating. What’s the core issue? Are you not budgeting enough? Are you wandering away from the plan too easily? Remedy those problems and move forward.
Next, remember that secrecy magnifies the problem. We have to be secure enough with ourselves to be able to admit that we might be the problem, or are at least allowing it to continue. Be relentless in fixing damage and correcting systems and controls that keep your budget on track. Remember, you’re in charge of your budget, so if you need more money for something, just allocate it!
Finally, get new information. Take a course, read a book, or talk to a friend. If you’ve made a huge mistake, find other people who have made that same mistake and find out what they did to fix it. Mistakes with money happen to everyone who uses money in some way, shape, or form. We’re all learning, so getting intelligence from someone who’s been in your shoes before can be extremely helpful.
Pride is one of the deadly sins because it’s so utterly corrupting. Don’t let pride spoil your relationships or your finances.
The Joy of Giving
Earlier this year, while at the March for Life, Alison and I were approached by a man selling official event hats. Ordinarily, I don’t bother buying branded merchandise from events, but this time, I did. He told me that the proceeds went to help a particular charity that provided housing and job training to the homeless. Since the hats were clearly high quality and bore the official logo of the March, I immediately reached for my wallet and bought two. The thing is, giving your money to help others is the most fun that you’ll ever have.
Being a Scrooge about making charitable donations is no way to live. A tight fist doesn’t let any money out, but it also doesn’t let anything else in. If you don’t give some of your money away to charitable causes, you’ve let money become your master. You’ll obsess over it, you’ll worry about it, and you’ll have anxiety about it. Try giving some away to get the right perspective again.
While giving away a portion of your money is a good thing, be sure you vet your designees. I don’t give money to charitable causes at the cash registers of stores for that very reason. I know nothing about those causes, I haven’t done my research, and I’m not sure if they do something that I find morally objectionable. You want your dollars to go far and to help as many people as you can. That’s why the research is so important.
It might even be fun to make giving your money away a game. Whose world can you completely change with a random act of generosity? Don’t just limit your giving to legally organized charities. While making giving a part of your tax strategy is probably something that you should be doing, don’t limit yourself. Help a struggling coworker or neighbor, give a huge tip to your pregnant waitress or people working during the holidays, or leave a nice tip for the hotel maid. In all of these cases you won’t get a tax write-off, but you’ll get something much better. You’ll have given an unexpected, and likely needed, gift to someone you’ve looked in the eyes.
While it may seem paradoxical, giving is the most fun that you’ll have with money. Give freely.
Let Go of Past Hurts
I’m a grudge-holder. I don’t do it for all things, but when a particular relational infraction occurs, if it’s offensive enough, I’ll hold on to it for a very long time. It’s not the best system in the world and it certainly adds stress to my life because grudges keep coming up in my mind resulting in me reliving the offending action. The problem with holding on to past hurts is not just that we can’t do anything about them today, but also that it makes us a prisoner of the past.
We all get hurt. Whether it be by our own actions or by those of someone else, we all have to face the pain and suffering that relational discord brings. Sometimes it’s temporary discomfort and other times it’s a hard break, but the fact that we’re social beings means that we all face this painful reality at one point or another. The thing is, when we avoid dealing with the issues and leave them unresolved, we become hostages. We obsess and just can’t seem to move on. Sometimes we might direct anger at the wrong person years later because we haven’t fully dealt with our past.
The best way to resolve past hurts is through a process of reconciliation. Depending on your situation, you may reconcile with the person face-to-face or you may just have to reconcile with the situation. If you’re able to reconcile with the person directly, it can be helpful if you consider what fault was yours, admit it, and ask for forgiveness. If significant time has passed, you can both acknowledge that you used to be dumb and that was part of the problem. If you’re unable to reconcile face-to-face, you will just have to reconcile with the facts. Still admit your role, but also understand that there’s nothing to be done about it now and that holding on is causing other problems. Work through it and then put it out to pasture.
Unresolved past hurts can become a limiting factor in your life. Your future is bright and you can start making changes for the better today. By keeping one foot in the past and one in the present, you miss out on the opportunity for joy and happiness that today offers while wallowing in the misery of a yesterday long since past.
Celebrate Life
One of the great tragedies of our modern era is our misunderstanding of the value of children. For a wide range of reasons, people tend to hold a very pessimistic and self-centered view on children. This contraceptive mindset has brought us to a very sad place where people miss out on the absolute joys of raising children.
Kids really are amazing. A new life, that knows nothing, moves at a rapid clip to smile, roll over, verbalize, crawl, stand up, walk, feed itself, and so much more. Time moves incredibly fast and the joys happen daily. While there are bad days, grumpy days, and annoying days, those events and those days melt away with one cute smile, laugh, or hug. Little kids really are the best.
The thing that we’re missing by avoiding having children is that parenthood is both exhausting and fulfilling. While I love Benedict, I really love those two hours before bed when he’s asleep and I’m off the clock. I tend to find myself in that time both enjoying the rest and at the same time waiting with eager anticipation to get him up in the morning and play with him. While parenting depletes your energy levels, it builds you up as a person in a lasting way. This child depends on you for everything, and you provide. There’s no better feeling.
The Bible tells us that children are a gift from God, and truly they are. Above anything or anyone else, your child wants you. A child will grow and help to support your household and complete many of the daily chores that need to be done. Yet, their purpose is more than just utilitarian. Children are a blessing by their presence. Their presence and their personhood is a gift that you get to unwrap daily.
A contraceptive mindset has blinded us to the reality of children. They’re not a burden to be avoided, rather they’re a blessing to be embraced. Accept them as gifts and give them all of your love.
Be Neighborly
I have a terrible track record of being neighborly. In the five years since moving out on my own, I’ve really only been friendly with one neighbor. It actually makes me a bit sad because having great neighbors is one of the best parts of the communal living experience. People looking after each other, enjoying each other’s company, and sharing life together can enhance the lives of everyone involved. Perhaps I’ll find that neighborly spirit when Alison and I buy our first home in a few years. Regardless of where we live, we all need to reclaim a strong sense of community in our neighborhoods.
I have in my mind a vision of the perfect neighborhood where we welcome newcomers, help each other in time of need, water someone’s plants while they’re away on vacation, and grill in the great outdoors together. I hope that one day Alison and I will find a neighborhood where all of those things are true. It seems like these days, we’re just a little too focused on our own lives; neighbors are almost the enemy. They play their music too loud, their guests take all of the best parking spots, and they don’t keep their lawn properly maintained. We spy on one another, ignore new families and live as ships passing in the night. While this level of apathy towards our neighbors may not be true for everyone, I think it’s important for us to reconnect with one another as people. Your neighbors may not be your best friend, but you can be friendly towards one another. They have stories, passions, dreams, families, and so much more, just like you do. You can talk about more than just the weather.
Today, I want to encourage you to be a bit more neighborly. Whether you live in an apartment, townhouse, or a house in the suburbs, be more friendly to those who live around you. Share a smile or a hello. Learn your neighbor’s name and, if you’re doing things to avoid them, stop. We all want to live in a friendly, vibrant community and that type of community is only built by people engaging with people in meaningful ways.
Endure Misery
Life is full of a range of emotions. There are days when we’re over the moon and others when we’re down in the dumps. There are events that lift our spirits and others that drag us to dark places. While we’re sure to have periods of great joy and fulfillment, we’ll also have prolonged periods of deep misery. We seem to easily acknowledge that our good feelings are temporary, yet we fail to do the same to bad feelings. Misery is temporary.
When you’re experiencing a period of misery, find a way out of it. What’s the root problem and what can you do it resolve it? How can you minimize the impact that misery is having on your life? It’s true that some factors are outside of our control, but others are very much within our grasp. If your job is causing you to be miserable, maybe you could look for a better one. If your life choices are leading to misery, perhaps you seek help. If your family situation is causing misery, it may be wise to finally resolve those longstanding issues.
We tend to only seek out God when times are tough. When all is well, our mind tells us that we don’t need God. In difficult times or in challenging times, we seek out God asking for aid. When you’re in a period of misery, lean into your prayer life. Seek out help from Mary, your patron saint, and anyone else you can think of! Acknowledge God’s great power and love and understand that prayer really works!
Misery will happen and when it does, try to work through the core issues and be sure to turn to God in prayer and ask for assistance.
The Best Thing About Permanence
Marriage is designed to last. While that’s a simple statement, the implausibility of the construct makes it an enigma. How can two completely different adults, with completely different customs, traditions, and rearing, come together in their 20s or 30s and build an entirely new family that not only survives a 50 or 60 year marriage, but thrives and endures after the couple’s death? There is but one lynchpin in the whole system that keeps this complex arrangement together: permanence.
On their wedding day, couples promise to love and be faithful to one another until the end of their natural lives. Those two sentences are the bedrock of marriage and it’s only when the idea of permanence is abandoned that marriages fail.
The thing is, while many single people loathe commitment, it’s that very commitment that holds everything together. 50 years presents endless opportunities for screw ups, for handling situations poorly, and for making mistakes. Yet, despite those hundreds of thousands of errors, permanence holds it all together. Marriage can survive imperfection because both spouses have consented and promised to endure all trials, together, even when the other is causing the strife.
Permanence protects more than just the spouses; it protects the kids. Children are unable to grasp the nature of marriage, and so oftentimes children in broken homes blame themselves. It’s precisely because of permanence that children are able to live with their mom and dad and be nurtured and protected. Permanence binds parents together, working towards the ultimate goal of forming a well adjusted adult.
Without permanence, there is no marriage. Marriage is a safe haven, a refuge, a lighthouse in the storm. When things get tough, it shines it’s light into the situation reminding the quarreling spouses that this is a but a small disagreement in the scope of a 50+ year marriage. When permanence holds a family together, all members grow, thrive, and live in peace.
There is great irony in the fear of commitment by single people. These people fear being unable to remain committed, which is ironic because their fear is of the very thing that will keep their marriage together. Permanence isn’t a yoke, permanence is freedom. It’s freedom to give up everything for your spouse without worrying about being vulnerable. It’s the freedom to let your spouse work late, go out for drinks, or take a business trip without constant fear that they’re being unfaithful. It’s the freedom of the mind that allows one spouse to love the other without the oppressive entrapment of constant questioning. Permanence is what makes marriage and that’s a beautiful thing.
Fighting Impatience
Several times a week, I fail to reach the high Catholic Husband standard. Being the husband that I was made to be is indeed a very high bar and one that’s only achievable through diligence, focus, and determination. Many times throughout the week I’ll be working on some project and Alison will ask something of me. It’s usually in those moments that I’m most impatient.
The only real way to beat impatience is to actively choose to not be impatient. While that may sound trite, it’s at the core of this conversion. Understanding which situations try your patience the most, and then working to change your responses in those situations is the best way out of a tendency towards impatience. When you begin to move away from an attitude of impatience, be on alert for those situations that put you in the greatest danger of a relapse. With this level of focus and attention on your surroundings, and by understanding your triggers, you can know when you’re at your weakest and be able to respond more appropriately. This type of change requires intentionality because impatience is such a snap response. In order to overcome impatience, you have to be in control of all of your responses, especially rapids ones.
When a situation arises that may try your patience, don’t respond immediately. Take an extra two seconds, think, and then respond. So if I ask Alison a question and she doesn’t immediately answer, it would be wise of me to take a deep breath, wait for two seconds, and then ask for her attention again. That’s a far better response than getting frustrated and leaving the room, or angrily looking at my phone. Perhaps she simply didn’t hear me or maybe she was working through a big idea that needed just another moment before she was ready to change her focus. It’s best in all situations to maintain perspective. We’re often too quick to judge a situation and when we do so, we often judge wrongly. As in the example above, maybe your wife just didn’t hear you. Although forgetting a question or an idea can be frustrating, it may not have been that important of a thought. Situations that try our patience are minor interruptions in the grand scheme of things. These minor interruptions are hardly worth getting into a fight over.
When you choose to overcome impatience, you’ll have a long road ahead of you. Yet, if you’ll maintain focus and persevere, you can grow in virtue and leave the impatient you in the past.