Never Rush Decisions
It’s only when I rush into something that I get burned. Alison and I have recently been car shopping, which in and of itself is a time-pressured experience. Vehicles go up for sale and are sold, sometimes in a matter of days. Like a whack-a-mole game, opportunities come and go in an instant. Especially when it’s a major, life altering decision, don’t rush.
I’m the kind of guy that likes to check off boxes. When I have a project, I want to get it done and move on to the next thing. That’s great when it comes to work or tasks around the house. It’s the worst possible mentality when it comes to major decisions. It’s not immaturity, it’s simply that I need to have more patience when entering into these types of big decisions. Rushing them leads to poor outcomes and, if they’re financial decisions, bad deals.
If you operate like I do, I have a few thoughts to help you make better decisions. First, set clear parameters. With the car, Alison and I want to pay with cash. That limits the amount we’re willing to spend and, since we’re feeling every dollar that we do spend, we’re better prepared to walk away from a bad deal. Parameters help to quickly filter out bad options. Second, only allow yourself to move forward if it’s a straightforward option. If there’s lots of bending over backwards to make the decision go through, don’t do it. We only get “creative” when we have to make the bad decision work. Like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, you can make it happen, but you’ll lose something in the process. Finally, only make a decision if you and your wife are in agreement. Alison keeps me balanced and can see my blind spots. If we’re both in agreement, we can be confident that we’re making the right decision. As an added bonus, if something goes wrong, you won’t find yourself blaming one another.
If you’re wired to work with focus and intensity and make decisions quickly, be careful when making big decisions. There’s never a good reason to rush anything major. You can always buy more time. You can’t, however, always reverse the effects of a decision that was poorly made.
Giving Everything for Your Kids
Love is a concept that’s been distorted and misunderstood. We all yearn to hear the words “I love you,” but few of us can comprehend what it truly means until we’re tested. It’s easy to tell someone that you love them when all is going well, but what about when the whole world has been turned upside down? I think the best model of love in our world is that of a parent for their child.
The parent-child relationship is the epitome of love. The child can do nothing for the parent nor can they do anything for themselves. They are wholly reliant on the parent for their welfare and wellbeing. There’s something instinctual as a parent that causes you to want to give your child everything that you have. Even when you’re completely exhausted and they’ve been whiny and destructive all day, you still draw that bath and read them a story before bed.
I think that kids bring out the best in people. It’s like a certain operating program was hidden within us all of these years and when we have a child for the first time, we switch over. We become less self-focused and instead turn our time, action, and attention to our kids.
This transformation was illustrated for me a few weeks ago. Alison was away at a conference and Benedict was with his grandparents, leaving me home alone for three days. I caught myself multiple times each day doing things to ensure Benedict’s comfort and safety, even though he was no where around. I spoke quietly on the phone when in my office (which is next to his room), I moved the blind drawstrings out of reach so he couldn’t hurt himself on them, and I even kept closing the baby gates.
Kids change everything about us and how we operate, but for the better. As I contemplate the amount of love that I have for Benedict and how deeply I sacrifice for him, I better comprehend what love is. Beyond that, I gain a better understanding of God’s love for us.
Children demand everything from us, and we willingly give it. May the dynamics of this relationship encourage us to live holier lives and to be less self-centered.
We’re Not Guaranteed Any Time
In the course of our human existence, we’re faced with tragedies, none more sorrowful than the untimely death of someone in our lives. We have a justified belief that all of us will live into our 70s, 80s, or 90s, but the truth remains that none of us are promised any amount of time. That’s why it’s so important for us to take the time we do have and to make something great out of it.
It’s said that the great lie of the Devil is that there’s time. Time to change, time to reform, time to renew. Live today, go to Confession tomorrow because there’s nothing but time. There’s a reason that is a lie. We don’t know how long our mission will last on Earth, or how many more chances we’ll get to make things right. We just don’t know.
The temptation with this knowledge is to fret and obsess over the question of how long we have left. That is not at all the point. While the Devil directs us towards the negative, God would prefer us to focus on the positive. We’re given today, so enjoy it. We have our family, so love them. We have our health, our spiritual fortitude, the life of the Church, so immerse yourself in them.
Our bonds as people are strong with one another, and so the grief of losing someone that we love can be overwhelming, especially if it is sudden, unexpected, or if they were “too young.” These bonds are beautiful because while they cause us sorrow in death, that means they can be cause for tremendous joy in life. Recognize those bonds today and share their goodness with one another.
We do not have the full picture of our own lives, let alone those of whom we know and love. We can only trust that God, who wishes only the best for us, works in His own mysterious ways, in His own time, in accordance with His wishes for us. It’s up to those of us who remain to advocate diligently for the departed souls that they might gain admission to Eternal Life, and in that way, pray for us.
Change Starts At Home
I want to live in a world that doesn’t have me in the center.
I want to live in a world where men are celebrated.
I want to live in a world where women are cherished.
I want to live in a world that doesn’t use people for the sake of self-gratification.
I want to live in a world that values both the good of the community as well as the good of the individual.
I want to live in a world where people are encouraged to be the best they can, not just enough to make it.
If I want to live in that kind of world, I need to begin in my own home.
Vapid Music
I’m fairly certain in every generation, as art pushes the boundaries of cultural norms and acceptability, there’s always a crowd of people who assert that the new forms of art are unacceptable and in some ways corrupting. In modern society, as the boundaries of music are broken down and it’s availability reaches its apex, so too has the sheer amount of music. New forms of music are emerging, as are new subforms. As we all consume more and more music, the importance of the message and impact becomes paramount.
What you eat, you become. The same is true for music. As music plays in the background of our lives, the message that it’s sending us is important. It seems to me that music has become quite vapid. Lyrics are petty, beats are copied, and there’s nothing that calls us to greater levels of human existence.
I see music as being on par with literature. There is some truly tremendous literature on the shelves of libraries, homes, and offices, but there’s also pandering literature and books that are complete garbage. The same is true for music. All music falls on a spectrum, but more and more lands on the garbage end.
The only harm that this new wave of vapid music is causing is self-inflicted. I choose what I listen to just as I choose what I read. If I read a philosophy book, I walk away a better person. If I read a raunchy romance book, I walk away no better of a person, if not worse.
Music tends to reflect the cultural attitudes of the day, and so I think it’s fair to say that the music of today is accurate and appropriate to where we are at as a society. However, it’s doubtful that in 30 years we’ll be listening to 1Direction on a Classic Pop channel. When you listen to music, be cognizant of how it affects you and your thinking. Are you going to listen to something edifying and uplifting, or shallow and empty?
A Powerful Confession Strategy
I try to go to Confession once a month, but sometimes my schedule conspires against me. In early September, I was overdue and itching to go, which landed me in a parish half an hour away on a Tuesday night. Confession was preceded by a Novena to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, which was something truly beautiful. Afterwards, both priests assigned to the parish heard confessions. Even though it was after 8pm, the lines were quite long.
I don’t often get the chance to go to Confession to a priest outside of my parish, but when I do, it’s special. Many Catholics, myself included, seek extreme anonymity in the Sacrament, and so going to a priest that you don’t know and likely will never meet is especially comforting. I find myself less resistant to giving a full confession when I don’t know the priest. It’s silly, I know, but it’s also part of the human experience to attempt to save face.
Most of us will struggle with the same habitual sins throughout our life. If not the same particular sin, sins surrounding the same character defect. Having a regular confessor, one with whom you have some rapport, can be immensely helpful. A regular confessor can get to know you better and offer more tailored advice. Having the opportunity to go on occasion to a different confessor can lend some fresh eyes and a new perspective to your situation. Combining the two, you can come up with a really powerful plan for overcoming whatever is keeping you stuck.
If it’s difficult to travel to another parish for confession, there are opportunities such as Parish Penance services or even going to Confession while you’re traveling. You should never be afraid of Reconciliation, or of a priest yelling at you during the Sacrament. At the same time, there are some very real benefits to having a regular confessor and on occasion going to a priest that you’ll never meet again.
I Hate Car Dealers
Alison and I are in the market for a new car. Well, we thought we wanted a car, but now we’ve decided on a van. A few weekends ago we spent a marathon three days car shopping. We went to three different dealers and a couple of private party sellers. We didn’t walk away with a van, but I did walk away deeply disappointed with the process.
For whatever reason, it seems like it’s incredibly difficult to find a car dealer whom you can trust. The entire system is set up in a manipulative way, which to me violates the basic rule of a good deal. A good deal is when everyone deals honestly and with respect, and both parties walk away satisfied. Since most car buyers are financing their purchase, many break under the intense pressure in negotiations just so they don’t have to deal with the dealer anymore. Clearly not every car dealer is terrible, but there are more bad apples than good.
Alison and I are buying with cash, so we walked away from the bad deals, but honestly, it shouldn’t be like this at all. First there’s the ridiculous markup on the vehicles, then there’s the surprise fees that have no basis in fact or reality, and finally there’s the psychological warfare of the salesman and sales manager. The only reason why the system continues is because we all keep buying.
I’m not opposed to a business making a profit and I understand that there’s markup on everything, but I think that the auto industry is particularly egregious. In fact, I think a reasonable argument can be made that the auto industry is the modern slaveowner. In order to maximize their profits, they’re willing to lie and cheat to get buyers to sign on to payments. While the difference in monthly payments may seem small to the buyer, the profit to the dealer and actual cost to the buyer is extraordinarily high. Certainly buyers are voluntary slaves, but the same principles that underpinned the system of slavery in this country can be found in the auto industry today.
So what’s the solution? First, we need to give up our car addiction. It’s a great thing to love your car, take care of your car, and have pride in your car. It’s an entirely different thing to be obsessed with your car. Buy a car, and drive it for a decade, then shop for its replacement. Second, pay cash. Financing your car only limits your options. The monthly payment seems like its affordable until your company goes out of business, your kid needs braces, or your other car blows up. If you don’t have the cash, you can’t afford it. Third, say no to dealers. When buying a car, dealers are trying to earn your business. Don’t let them steal your money when you’re the one who makes the buying decision. Buy from dealers you know and trust, or from places like CarMax where there’s complete transparency in the buying process.
It’s sad that the auto industry preys on the general public, especially the poor, broke, and uneducated. Let’s starve them of the cash they need to stay in business until they get their act together.
Getting Back on the Horse
We underestimate the power of momentum. Momentum, as it builds, evolves into an unstoppable force. Decision making becomes easier when you step aside and let the momentum of the situation continue to push you forward. Getting it started, or reversing negative momentum, well that’s a whole other story.
The heat of summer completely killed my exercise momentum. Throughout the dead of winter, Benedict and I suited up and did our 4 mile daily walk all bundled up. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t terrible. The oppressive heat and humidity of this summer kept us inside most days and when we did get out there on the trail, I came back with a completely soaked shirt. Disgusting.
Weather is certainly a big obstacle when it comes to exercising outdoors, but so is illness. Being sick typically lasts more than just a day or two. The effects and fatigue can take up to a week to resolve after the symptoms subside. You just don’t feel up to your game and again, you’re kept on the bench.
This is how most negative trends start. A bad day of weather, an illness, a trip. Negative momentum builds, and builds, and builds until it’s moving too fast against you.
There’s no easy around it; you have to push back. Hard. You build momentum by getting out there and getting it done. Reverse any negative trend by doing the exact opposite with extreme prejudice.
If you’re suffering from negative momentum, do the opposite today, do it tomorrow, and keep doing it until you’re back on top.
The Radical Early Christians
For perhaps the first time in my life, I’m reading the Acts of the Apostles. Alison gave me the fantastic Ignatius Catholic Study Bible for Father’s Day this year and I’ve been working my way through the Gospels and other books of the New Testament. I wrote earlier this year about how I’ve been reading the Bible footnotes along with the actual text and how much richer of an experience it is.
While reading Acts, I noticed something quite interesting. Considered as stories happening within their place in history, the early Christians were truly counter-cultural. We’ve heard that we’re supposed to be counter-cultural ourselves, but the early Christians really took it to heart. Everything that they did was basically the complete opposite of what the rest of their culture was doing.
We’re the salt of the Earth, but we’ve become rather bland. Polls and statistics show that we mirror the rest of society in divorce rates and that most of us agree more with societal preference on social issues than with the Church’s teaching. Said another way, we’ve become so ingrained in society, we’ve lost that which makes us special.
It’s time to re-engage. The Church has always sought the betterment of people, true freedom of conscience and action, and to care for the poor, weak, and vulnerable. The fact is, we have the tools that make us truly counter-cultural. We have the Eucharist, the Sacraments, and a base of theology and philosophy so strong that no man, idea, or empire has been able to topple the Church since Her founding.
We need to return to Mass. Less than a quarter of Catholics go to Mass on a weekly basis. Sunday Mass is an obligation because the Church knows how much we need time for rest and nourishment. The Eucharist is the fuel of our lives and the more frequently we receive, the more graces we have to live a holy (and happy!) life. We need to get rid of our pride. Pride will kill a person faster than anything else. By recognizing, in humility, that the Church has a treasury of wisdom and by seeking to understand Her teachings, we can understand what She actually says, not what someone told us She says.
Being called a hypocrite isn’t the worst thing in the world. To be human means to fail. It also means that when we receive new information, we can change. That’s not hypocrisy, it’s maturity. Through a spirit of constant renewal, we can work every day to become better people.
The early Christians were truly set apart from their peers. As a result, people were inspired by their lives and flocked to their fledgling Church. It’s time for us to mirror their example. Go to Mass, learn the Church’s teachings, and live a life that makes you truly free.
Dating in the Married Life
The ordinary needs to be challenged. In the days of dating your wife, there was much newness in the air. You were getting to know each other, it was exciting, and the future was unknown. After your wedding day, things settled down. Many marriages fail with the couple citing that the flame died out, but that’s a fallacy. Dating your spouse doesn’t end on your wedding day. It doesn’t end, period.
Dating in the married life is significantly more fruitful than dating while in the single life. In the single life, both individuals are guarded. They typically don’t have shared goals, and the level of tolerance for a breakup is low. In the single life, there’s only so far into emotional intimacy that the couple can go. Dating in the married life is a continual process by which the spouses delve deeper into the relationship. Dating in the married life allows a couple to continually grow closer, to share in the fruits, and to work together towards common goals.
The question, then, comes down to a matter of effort. Spouses must sacrifice for one another by doing the lowly and menial tasks. Cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry, as an act of service and love, can be a part of spousal dating. Certainly going out can be a part of spousal dating. Eating at the dining room table, praying together, and writing love letters are all a part of spousal dating.
Good marriages take work and an investment of time. When you maintain focus on serving your wife more than you’re being served, by sacrificing for her without expectation of return, and by seeking to know her better each day, you can both continue to share the fruits of marriage.