The Gift of A Child’s Life
Recently I’ve been looking back at old videos of Benedict. Man that kid was fat. What also strikes me is that knowing him today, I can totally see him and his personality in these videos. He shows the same curiosity, cheerfulness, and desire to be around people as he displays in his actions today. I’m so glad that we’ve captured many of those moments so that he’ll have them to enjoy later in life.
Each day with Benedict is highly structured and fairly predictable. We do the same sorts of things, in the same order, at generally the same time. Yet, being able to be a witness to him growing right before me is such a gift. Showing him the world, teaching him new words and concepts, and sharing experiences is a blast. Not to mention so many things he does are just so cute!
Days tend to fly by, and each one, once gone, can’t come back. It’s this fact that should inspire us, as parents, to take full advantage of every moment we have with our kids. We may have other things we want to be doing, or even things we should be doing. We may be tempted to put them to bed early or find other ways to get some more alone time. Instead of finding ways to make more time for ourselves, let’s just enjoy the time we have together.
I know that Benedict won’t be this little forever, but while he is, I’ll enjoy getting down to his level and seeing the look of glee on his face as he runs to give me a hug.
The Lynchpin of Education
Throughout the course of my education, I have had hundreds of teachers. I can say that, to the best of my recollection, only one didn’t have passion. I had ineffective teachers, I had “bad” teachers, but nearly all of them had an intense passion for their careers, for their vocations. This deep desire to do well for their students is a unique asset in the teaching profession.
Our education system isn’t perfect and there’s lots of debate as to why and what we can be doing better. We hear about solutions that include more spending, new textbooks, more electronics in the classroom, and even comprehensive solutions like the Common Core. Schools are increasingly providing breakfast and after-school programming in an attempt to keep kids captivated and engaged as long as possible. Yet, it’s my belief that those things won’t fix the problem. Essentially, parents are failing in their basic duty to provide for and educate their children.
The more active and involved in a child’s education the parents are, the better the child will perform, learn, and succeed. Teachers push the proverbial rock uphill all day, only to show up in the classroom the next morning and start all over. Students return from summer break and have to relearn things that they had already been taught. Parents aren’t doing enough to reinforce learned principles and encouraging learning outside of school hours.
Parents are the primary educators of their children. As parents, it’s our job to ensure that our kids understand that learning doesn’t just happen in a classroom, that reading isn’t just for homework, and that education isn’t a bell-to-bell endeavor. Teachers and schools are a tool in our toolbox to help educate our kids, but at the end of the day, it’s up to us to reinforce learning and expand it.
This is no easy task. In fact, I sometimes have to remind myself that things I consider small, trivial, or nonevents are completely new and wonderful in the mind of Benedict. Even just the act of a crayon making a mark on paper is enough to elicit a gasp from him. It requires that I think like he does, to steer him in new directions and teach him new things.
I want to challenge the notion of education for my son. I want him to be a vigorous reader, an avid explorer, and perennially curious. I want him to know that education doesn’t just happen in a classroom and that learning never ends. It’s a lofty goal, but I know that as a parent, I have that teacherly passion for him; I want him to go far and I’ll do whatever it takes to help him get there.
The Surprises of Being A Stay-At-Home Parent
Now that I’ve been a full-time caregiver to Benedict (read “stay-at-home parent”) for just over a year, I can admit that it’s nothing like what I thought. Part of this reality is of my own choosing and the other part is unexpected reality. Our house is too small and Benedict’s needs are too limited right now for my duties to expand to take up my entire day. I can clean the house in an hour and Benedict is still napping for 4-6 hours during the day. Were I not working, the rest of my hours awake would just be play time for me. Here’s what I’ve learned.
Being a stay-at-home parent is lonely. I understand now why there are so many mom groups. My only interaction with adults on a regular basis is with Alison in the evening. That means that thoughts, ideas, and inspirations need to stay in my head until at least 6:30pm. Then, if she’s had a bad day, my only interaction with an adult for that day was a negative one. Not good. The temptation is to shift blame onto Alison, but that’s not fair. I use this blog as an outlet for many of my creative inspirations during the day, but I’ve also found that reading books and the newspaper are helpful stimulation for the adult part of my brain.
Being a stay-at-home parent is to embody the corporal works of mercy. On a good day, I’ll hit 4 of the 7, meaning that Benedict isn’t sick, in jail, or deceased. Alison sacrifices by leaving home and supporting our family. I sacrifice by caring for our son and taking on most of the domestic responsibilities. There are days when I’m resentful, but when I turn my thoughts back on the works of mercy and find that my work is holy, I’m able to better cope.
Being a stay-at-home parent is anything but a life of luxury. I’m in control of Benedict and I’s schedule, but by and large, his needs and the needs of the household control my daily direction. Between Benedict, household chores, and the work that I’ve taken on, I have 60-90 minutes a day where I can do something fun for myself. In that way, Alison and I share very similar schedules.
The experience of stay-at-home parents in my generation are going to be very different than stay-at-home parents of previous generations. The Internet has made it possible to literally work from home and bring in a modest income doing so. That means that both working and stay-at-home parents alike will have to juggle work/life balance, all the while not allowing resentment to spoil their marriages.
The life of parents is pure sacrifice and the life of the family is pure beauty.
Enough About Sex Already
I have zero interest in your sexual preferences. Frankly, it’s none of my business. Yet, we’ve become so fixated on everyone’s sexual preferences that it’s spilled beyond relationships into jobs, culture, and every other facet of our shared community life. Sex is an intensely interpersonal act that has two aims: to emotionally bind spouses more closely and to create children. The only time I’m interested in hearing about your sexual preferences is in the context of a baby announcement.
I remember one time I met an accountant who told me, “I’m not an accountant, I account for things. My job does not define me.” He said it in jest, but he made a solid point. We are complex and dynamic beings. I’m a son, brother, husband, father, writer, web designer, business owner, Catholic, American, Virginian, pilot, stamp collector, reader, walker, lover of olives, jazz listener, and so many other things. To define myself by just one of those aspects to the detriment of the rest would not only be unfair to me, it’d define me as something other than who I truly am. I am all of these things together.
How did we let our sexuality become our defining characteristic? Sex has always been a fascination, but when we “liberated” our sexuality in the 1960s and 1970s, is when we really got out of balance. Honestly, do you feel liberated? Contraceptives have been a complete disaster. Women spend half of their reproductive lives using them to avoid pregnancy and the other half trying desperately to reverse the effects in order to achieve pregnancy. Rates of single parenting, the number one indicator of potential poverty are through the roof. Pornography is ridiculously accessible. Doesn’t sound like the fun liberation that was promised.
Our sexuality is important and it’s incredibly personal, but we’ve let ourselves become prisoners of our sexuality. We’ve forced ourselves to act in certain ways because people say that’s how we should act. High school students lose their virginity because they’re told that’s what you’re supposed to do. People with very real and serious emotional problems are counseled by medical and mental health professionals to masturbate instead of seeking avenues that will actually heal and correct the underlying issues.
All of this is absurd. Sex is the vehicle by which the fruits of the married life, namely children, are achieved. It’s the method by which spouses are emotionally and biologically unified. It’s the complete gift of self, of vulnerability, shared in the context of an indissoluble bound, that is meant to be shared by spouses and with no one else.
Sex is for you to share with your spouse, not the world. You’re so much more than a sexual being, you’re an integrated person. It’s only by living an integrated life, with each component of your personhood in proper balance, that you’ll achieve the lasting happiness and deep sense of peace that you desire. Everything else falls to nothing.
Go Read the Documents
If you have a question about what the Church teaches, just go read the documents. Start with the Catechism and then go and read supporting documents. There’s no need to be confused or lost in ambiguity. There’s no need to hem and haw about what She says or teaches. The Church is an open book for anyone, Catholic or otherwise, to understand why She teaches what She does.
Incredible Martyrs
I’m encouraged by the stories of martyrs. Their fortitude in the face of unimaginable pain and sufferings is beyond inspiring. Truly their martyrdoms were events full of grace, and yet, their pain was very real. It’s doubtful that there’s really ever been a time in the Church’s history when Her members weren’t being killed in hatred of the faith somewhere in the World.
While we hear the stories of the end of a martyr’s life, we often don’t know much about the rest of their life. We meet them, so to speak, as they receive the crown of martyrdom, but we don’t see their struggle in their faith life. We see how their story ends, but not how it begins. This is a tragedy because their stories are not unlike our own. We should readily identify with them in their human experience and see that it is possible to achieve a deep and pure faith as they did.
Martyrdom is rarely a “humane” death. Even today, Christians are being crucified. Martyrs often suffer the most barbaric, unconscionable, and markedly demented cruelties. Most are so extreme, it’s unbelievable that the torturers were able to endure the sight, let alone conduct the tortures themselves. Yet, despite the depravity, despite their desire to crush faith and root out the Church, martyrdom does just the opposite.
It’s said that the Church is built on the blood of the martyrs. The martyred are remembered, their attackers are not. Martyrdom feeds the Church’s growth because it’s hard not to be inspired when many are willing to die instead of give up the treasure of their faith.
While you and I may not be called to a physical martyrdom, we are called to give witness to our faith. The consequences may be less severe, but the impact is still the same. When we live the Christian life well and others can see it, they are inspired. Your actions may even inspire some to join the Church.
The martyrs were willing to give their lives for love of Christ and the Church. May we be willing to do the same, in whatever way we’re called to.
Finding Wholesome Programming
Lately I’ve been really into movies, books, and TV shows based on real life Cold War era spies. History fascinates me. Some of the stories are so crazy and unbelievable that they’re more entertaining than any story that a writer could make up. I think that’s why I’m so drawn to spy storylines.
I personally think that sex scenes are lazy writing. It’s easy to get people interested and talking about shows that are rich in salacious content, but it’s really just a cheap ploy. The same can be said about vulgarity comedy. Most mainstream stand-up acts today can’t be enjoyed by families because the content is for adults. Again, lazy writing.
The reason why we’re having trouble finding wholesome programming is because, as consumers, we’ve demanded the other content. We’ve demanded more sex, more skin, more drugs, more fantasy. We’ve demanded that writers, actors, and directors create content that could never happen in the real world. We’ve become an audience of voyeurs, enjoying the destruction of people. We got what we asked for.
I wish that there was more wholesome programming available. I don’t define wholesome as something that you’d only find on PBS or the History Channel. I’d say wholesome programming would be shows and movies that focus on the story and the message. Take HBO, for example. Almost all of their original programming is complete garbage. That’s a real waste considering they’re the same people who put together the amazing Band of Brothers series. They’re capable of doing good, they just make more money on the junk.
What you feed your mind has an impact on your overall health and well being. Don’t fill up on junk content.
Fear of Prison
I wasn’t planning on revealing my biggest fear in life before an international radio audience, but I did. Earlier this summer, I was part of an in-studio audience on SiriusXM’s The Catholic Guy Show with Lino Rulli and was invited up to the microphone. One thing led to another, and I confessed my fear of going to prison.
I’m becoming more acutely aware of God’s work in my life. Part of this has come from a habit of daily prayer and the other has come from the types of books that I’ve been reading. In the past, I’ve been reluctant to acknowledge God’s intimate work in my life, but it’s difficult to deny. This summer alone I’ve experienced great victories against all odds that can only be credited to His being at work in my life.
God does have a plan for each of us. He needs us to be doing something specific in our lives to better the lives of others. Like the “butterfly effect,” my mission affects the mission and lives of others. Though we cannot see it now, when we hopefully one day get to see all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together, it will all make sense. For me, right now, I believe a big part of my mission is to share and grow Catholic Husband.
My fear of going to prison is an irrational fear, that’s for sure. I have no criminal intent nor do I wish to commit the types of crimes that land people in prison. I don’t wish to bring hurt and destruction to other people’s lives and my personality is wholly incompatible with prison. Yet, for years I’ve been terrified of going to jail. Two weeks ago, I had an epiphany. I’m terrified of what prison means: separation from family, marginalization, and a lack of freedom.
My fear of prison wasn’t meant to be about prison in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. Sin is a prison. It separates me from the love of my family, it marginalizes the person that I’ve called to be, and it deprives me of my freedom. When I choose sin over the love of God, I deprive my family of the gift of my whole self. It prevents me from being truly free, from being truly joyful, and from accepting reality.
Now I know what I need to do. Focus more on God’s ways than my own and refuse to be a slave to sin.
Where Do You Send Your Thoughts?
In a widely circulated Matthew Kelley talk, Matthew made the point that where you send your thoughts, your actions will follow. His point was that if you spend your time contemplating the things of God, your life will improve; if you spend your time contemplating sinful things, you will stay trapped in sin.
We have plenty of mentally idle time during our days: making coffee, doing the dishes, in the shower, mowing the lawn, and even watching TV. In these moments, what are you thinking about?
Higher level thinking about virtue, philosophy, and theology can be mentally exhausting. When you’re mentally idle and not thinking of these higher things, you can still be directing your thoughts in the way that you’d like to move. You could think of ways to bring comfort to your wife, how you can better serve your family, and dream about reaching your goals and achieving a better quality of life. Perhaps you could even pray.
Your mind is incredibly powerful. Harnessing that power for good and positivity will lead you to a better place in your life, for both you and your family.
Be Courageous
When we think about courage, we often think about people overcoming all odds to accomplish something great. It may be an athlete reaching a new human speed record, a member of the Armed Services using their body as a shield against a grenade, or even someone who was told that they’d never walk again getting up and taking independent steps. We play up courage to a heroic level, one that’s divorced from daily life, and certainly from our own life. We’ve got this all wrong.
There’s no doubt that any of the above acts require great courage, but courage isn’t just about amazing feats, it’s about overcoming our own resistance, limitations, and doubts to achieve something. It takes courage for artists to share their work with the world, for salespeople to make a cold call, and for Catholics to live their faith during their daily lives. The truth is, we all have courage within us, we just have to be bold enough to use it.
In order to let loose the power of our courage, we have to be humble. Pride inhibits courage. Take, for example, our interior life. It takes courage to root out our principal sin. It takes humility to first acknowledge that we’ve let a particular sin exist in our lives and that we may have to give up something in order to get rid of it. The humility of recognizing our situation leads to the courage to make changes in our lives that will eventually get rid of that sin.
In the workplace, we’re faced with the need to have the courage to maintain our integrity. St. Thomas More was willing to give Henry VIII everything, except for his integrity. In the face of certain death, Thomas had the courage to maintain his integrity and lost his life for it. While we likely won’t be faced with a situation of the same gravity, at one time or another we’re pressured to violate our integrity at work. It takes courage to stand up and do the right thing. We all have it within us, but the question is, will we act on it.
In our marriage, courage is an absolute necessity. The temptation to turn marriage into a transactional relationship is a daily confrontation. We’re tempted to balance each gain that our wife makes with a gain for ourselves. We’re tempted to demand that our wife meet all of our emotional needs regardless of the state of her health or energy levels. We need to have the courage to put ourselves all on the line. We need to have the courage to serve selflessly all day, every day. We need to have the courage to look to our wife first, our family second, and to ourselves last. We need to have the courage to be emotionally present. It’s not easy, and many who have tried have failed. Therein lies the beauty of marriage. It’s a difficult vocation, but in the trials, much fruit is borne.
I challenge you today to live courageously. It’ll take work, and we won’t always be successful, but we do have it within us. We are programmed to live courageously, let’s not let ourselves stand in the way.