Change Starts At Home

I want to live in a world that doesn’t have me in the center.

I want to live in a world where men are celebrated.

I want to live in a world where women are cherished.

I want to live in a world that doesn’t use people for the sake of self-gratification.

I want to live in a world that values both the good of the community as well as the good of the individual.

I want to live in a world where people are encouraged to be the best they can, not just enough to make it.

If I want to live in that kind of world, I need to begin in my own home.

Vapid Music

I’m fairly certain in every generation, as art pushes the boundaries of cultural norms and acceptability, there’s always a crowd of people who assert that the new forms of art are unacceptable and in some ways corrupting. In modern society, as the boundaries of music are broken down and it’s availability reaches its apex, so too has the sheer amount of music. New forms of music are emerging, as are new subforms. As we all consume more and more music, the importance of the message and impact becomes paramount.

What you eat, you become. The same is true for music. As music plays in the background of our lives, the message that it’s sending us is important. It seems to me that music has become quite vapid. Lyrics are petty, beats are copied, and there’s nothing that calls us to greater levels of human existence.

I see music as being on par with literature. There is some truly tremendous literature on the shelves of libraries, homes, and offices, but there’s also pandering literature and books that are complete garbage. The same is true for music. All music falls on a spectrum, but more and more lands on the garbage end.

The only harm that this new wave of vapid music is causing is self-inflicted. I choose what I listen to just as I choose what I read. If I read a philosophy book, I walk away a better person. If I read a raunchy romance book, I walk away no better of a person, if not worse.

Music tends to reflect the cultural attitudes of the day, and so I think it’s fair to say that the music of today is accurate and appropriate to where we are at as a society. However, it’s doubtful that in 30 years we’ll be listening to 1Direction on a Classic Pop channel. When you listen to music, be cognizant of how it affects you and your thinking. Are you going to listen to something edifying and uplifting, or shallow and empty?

A Powerful Confession Strategy

I try to go to Confession once a month, but sometimes my schedule conspires against me. In early September, I was overdue and itching to go, which landed me in a parish half an hour away on a Tuesday night. Confession was preceded by a Novena to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, which was something truly beautiful. Afterwards, both priests assigned to the parish heard confessions. Even though it was after 8pm, the lines were quite long.

I don’t often get the chance to go to Confession to a priest outside of my parish, but when I do, it’s special. Many Catholics, myself included, seek extreme anonymity in the Sacrament, and so going to a priest that you don’t know and likely will never meet is especially comforting. I find myself less resistant to giving a full confession when I don’t know the priest. It’s silly, I know, but it’s also part of the human experience to attempt to save face.

Most of us will struggle with the same habitual sins throughout our life. If not the same particular sin, sins surrounding the same character defect. Having a regular confessor, one with whom you have some rapport, can be immensely helpful. A regular confessor can get to know you better and offer more tailored advice. Having the opportunity to go on occasion to a different confessor can lend some fresh eyes and a new perspective to your situation. Combining the two, you can come up with a really powerful plan for overcoming whatever is keeping you stuck.

If it’s difficult to travel to another parish for confession, there are opportunities such as Parish Penance services or even going to Confession while you’re traveling. You should never be afraid of Reconciliation, or of a priest yelling at you during the Sacrament. At the same time, there are some very real benefits to having a regular confessor and on occasion going to a priest that you’ll never meet again.

I Hate Car Dealers

Alison and I are in the market for a new car. Well, we thought we wanted a car, but now we’ve decided on a van. A few weekends ago we spent a marathon three days car shopping. We went to three different dealers and a couple of private party sellers. We didn’t walk away with a van, but I did walk away deeply disappointed with the process.

For whatever reason, it seems like it’s incredibly difficult to find a car dealer whom you can trust. The entire system is set up in a manipulative way, which to me violates the basic rule of a good deal. A good deal is when everyone deals honestly and with respect, and both parties walk away satisfied. Since most car buyers are financing their purchase, many break under the intense pressure in negotiations just so they don’t have to deal with the dealer anymore. Clearly not every car dealer is terrible, but there are more bad apples than good.

Alison and I are buying with cash, so we walked away from the bad deals, but honestly, it shouldn’t be like this at all. First there’s the ridiculous markup on the vehicles, then there’s the surprise fees that have no basis in fact or reality, and finally there’s the psychological warfare of the salesman and sales manager. The only reason why the system continues is because we all keep buying.

I’m not opposed to a business making a profit and I understand that there’s markup on everything, but I think that the auto industry is particularly egregious. In fact, I think a reasonable argument can be made that the auto industry is the modern slaveowner. In order to maximize their profits, they’re willing to lie and cheat to get buyers to sign on to payments. While the difference in monthly payments may seem small to the buyer, the profit to the dealer and actual cost to the buyer is extraordinarily high. Certainly buyers are voluntary slaves, but the same principles that underpinned the system of slavery in this country can be found in the auto industry today.

So what’s the solution? First, we need to give up our car addiction. It’s a great thing to love your car, take care of your car, and have pride in your car. It’s an entirely different thing to be obsessed with your car. Buy a car, and drive it for a decade, then shop for its replacement. Second, pay cash. Financing your car only limits your options. The monthly payment seems like its affordable until your company goes out of business, your kid needs braces, or your other car blows up. If you don’t have the cash, you can’t afford it. Third, say no to dealers. When buying a car, dealers are trying to earn your business. Don’t let them steal your money when you’re the one who makes the buying decision. Buy from dealers you know and trust, or from places like CarMax where there’s complete transparency in the buying process.

It’s sad that the auto industry preys on the general public, especially the poor, broke, and uneducated. Let’s starve them of the cash they need to stay in business until they get their act together.

Getting Back on the Horse

We underestimate the power of momentum. Momentum, as it builds, evolves into an unstoppable force. Decision making becomes easier when you step aside and let the momentum of the situation continue to push you forward. Getting it started, or reversing negative momentum, well that’s a whole other story.

The heat of summer completely killed my exercise momentum. Throughout the dead of winter, Benedict and I suited up and did our 4 mile daily walk all bundled up. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t terrible. The oppressive heat and humidity of this summer kept us inside most days and when we did get out there on the trail, I came back with a completely soaked shirt. Disgusting.

Weather is certainly a big obstacle when it comes to exercising outdoors, but so is illness. Being sick typically lasts more than just a day or two. The effects and fatigue can take up to a week to resolve after the symptoms subside. You just don’t feel up to your game and again, you’re kept on the bench.

This is how most negative trends start. A bad day of weather, an illness, a trip. Negative momentum builds, and builds, and builds until it’s moving too fast against you.

There’s no easy around it; you have to push back. Hard. You build momentum by getting out there and getting it done. Reverse any negative trend by doing the exact opposite with extreme prejudice.

If you’re suffering from negative momentum, do the opposite today, do it tomorrow, and keep doing it until you’re back on top.

The Radical Early Christians

For perhaps the first time in my life, I’m reading the Acts of the Apostles. Alison gave me the fantastic Ignatius Catholic Study Bible for Father’s Day this year and I’ve been working my way through the Gospels and other books of the New Testament. I wrote earlier this year about how I’ve been reading the Bible footnotes along with the actual text and how much richer of an experience it is.

While reading Acts, I noticed something quite interesting. Considered as stories happening within their place in history, the early Christians were truly counter-cultural. We’ve heard that we’re supposed to be counter-cultural ourselves, but the early Christians really took it to heart. Everything that they did was basically the complete opposite of what the rest of their culture was doing.

We’re the salt of the Earth, but we’ve become rather bland. Polls and statistics show that we mirror the rest of society in divorce rates and that most of us agree more with societal preference on social issues than with the Church’s teaching. Said another way, we’ve become so ingrained in society, we’ve lost that which makes us special.

It’s time to re-engage. The Church has always sought the betterment of people, true freedom of conscience and action, and to care for the poor, weak, and vulnerable. The fact is, we have the tools that make us truly counter-cultural. We have the Eucharist, the Sacraments, and a base of theology and philosophy so strong that no man, idea, or empire has been able to topple the Church since Her founding.

We need to return to Mass. Less than a quarter of Catholics go to Mass on a weekly basis. Sunday Mass is an obligation because the Church knows how much we need time for rest and nourishment. The Eucharist is the fuel of our lives and the more frequently we receive, the more graces we have to live a holy (and happy!) life. We need to get rid of our pride. Pride will kill a person faster than anything else. By recognizing, in humility, that the Church has a treasury of wisdom and by seeking to understand Her teachings, we can understand what She actually says, not what someone told us She says.

Being called a hypocrite isn’t the worst thing in the world. To be human means to fail. It also means that when we receive new information, we can change. That’s not hypocrisy, it’s maturity. Through a spirit of constant renewal, we can work every day to become better people.

The early Christians were truly set apart from their peers. As a result, people were inspired by their lives and flocked to their fledgling Church. It’s time for us to mirror their example. Go to Mass, learn the Church’s teachings, and live a life that makes you truly free.

Dating in the Married Life

The ordinary needs to be challenged. In the days of dating your wife, there was much newness in the air. You were getting to know each other, it was exciting, and the future was unknown. After your wedding day, things settled down. Many marriages fail with the couple citing that the flame died out, but that’s a fallacy. Dating your spouse doesn’t end on your wedding day. It doesn’t end, period.

Dating in the married life is significantly more fruitful than dating while in the single life. In the single life, both individuals are guarded. They typically don’t have shared goals, and the level of tolerance for a breakup is low. In the single life, there’s only so far into emotional intimacy that the couple can go. Dating in the married life is a continual process by which the spouses delve deeper into the relationship. Dating in the married life allows a couple to continually grow closer, to share in the fruits, and to work together towards common goals.

The question, then, comes down to a matter of effort. Spouses must sacrifice for one another by doing the lowly and menial tasks. Cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry, as an act of service and love, can be a part of spousal dating. Certainly going out can be a part of spousal dating. Eating at the dining room table, praying together, and writing love letters are all a part of spousal dating.

Good marriages take work and an investment of time. When you maintain focus on serving your wife more than you’re being served, by sacrificing for her without expectation of return, and by seeking to know her better each day, you can both continue to share the fruits of marriage.

Take Advantage of Financial Booms

There’s nothing better than a family financial boom. Flush with cash, you and your spouse breathe a little easier, you dream a little more, and the door of possibilities opens just a little wider. The great temptation is obviously to do something fun with the money… something a little reckless. The responsible thing is to use it to get ahead. How do you decide?

Income and the money that your family takes in from selling things, refunds, additional jobs, or anything else that generates revenue is never linear. Your income is either decreasing or, hopefully, increasing. Even as you move through the year, your budget will grow or shrink at times. There will be unexpected bumps in income and unexpected contractions. Despite the temptation, I’d encourage you to stay the course, stay responsible, and enjoy the security that getting ahead brings.

Alison and I have been having a great year. A number of things have caused our income to rise to new levels. We recently thought back on how things were when we were first married and how difficult the budget was. We’re now way better off than we were 3 years ago and it’s a great feeling. We’re making great progress on our goals and we’re staying in control.

Perhaps the biggest scheduled increase in our budget happens on a schedule. Alison is paid bi-weekly and so we get paid three times in a month twice a year. Since we live on two paychecks a month, that means we essentially have a third paycheck to use for discretionary purposes in those months. There are all sorts of fun ways we could spend the third paycheck, and we’ve certainly made a few fun purchases, but we largely have remained committed to getting ahead on our goals.

When I compare the feeling of buying something fun, which we have, to the security and stability that saving for a goal brings, which we also have done, I much prefer the latter. We could afford to upgrade our TV, but honestly, I’ll be over that in a few days. We could afford to do all sorts of things around the house, or go on a nice date night, but we know that reaching our goal is a much more satisfying pursuit.

We’re not perfect and not every dollar ends up where it’s supposed to, but we’ve pulled each other back from the edge of the cliff many times. Each time, I find it helpful to remind myself that there’s an infinite number of ways that we could spend that money. By recognizing that there will be something else that I’ll want after I buy that next “thing,” I’m better able to say no to myself.

Being an adult may be regarded by some to be boring, but I prefer the restful sleep of making the right choice than the nervous stress of a plan falling apart. The decision is yours, choose wisely.

Why Mass Matters

I don’t bother to read the surveys that pollsters do of Catholics. It turns into an exercise in, “I’m more Catholic than you,” and the number of people who self-identify as Catholic is way too high. Honestly, if you consistently miss Mass, it’s time to stop self-identifying as Catholic. It’s like being a vegetarian who eats meat four times a week. However, one thing that every survey does show is that the frequency of Mass attendance directly correlates to agreement with the Magisterium.

My family goes to Mass every week, no real surprise there. I would say that my choice to go to Mass is more out of a desire to go than out of a sense of duty. I like the peace of sanctuary, the rhythm of the liturgy, and the grace that I receive to get me through the week.

I’ve spent some time considering why frequency of Mass attendance correlates to higher levels of agreement with Church teachings. Certainly there is something miraculous about the Mass, but I think it’s about more than just that hour. Certainly there is a catechetical element to the homily. The priest or deacon has 15 minutes or so to help me better understand the readings and how they connect to my life, current events, and the world around me. But I think that there’s still something more to it.

If you take your faith seriously enough to go to Mass weekly, I think you’re the type of person who will try to get questions answered. We certainly have many societal issues that we’re trying to find solutions to, and many of us are challenged by others about what our faith stands for. I know why the Church opposes redefining marriage and abortion because I’ve read Her teachings. I know that Her reasonings are backed up by nearly 2,000 years of scholarly works by some of the greatest theological and philosophical minds and I’ve taken the time to read Her explanations. I think that all of that study would be enough to convince most reasonable people of the logic and rationale of Her arguments.

There are exceptions to every rule, and this of course, is one of them. There are many Catholics, even those in the pews with you on Sunday, who are financially supporting organizations that work against the Church, who are using contraceptives, and who are doing any number of things that the Church strongly counsels them against. At the same time, we are sitting there just as broken and just as sinful. That’s the beauty of the Church. We’re trying to live the lives that we’re called to, and each time we go to Mass, we give God one more opportunity to affect change in our lives. None of us are exempt from the universal call to holiness, nor are we free from the responsibility to examine our lives and change them accordingly.

The Mass is the center of the Christian life. It gives us the grace to seek constant renewal, an opportunity to listen to the Word of God, and a chance to pray for one another. Through regular attendance, we can slowly grow in wisdom and understanding, turning ourselves back towards the Church and Her teachings.

Confession-phobia

The fear of Confession is deadly. It’s healthy to have some amount of fear of the Sacrament. That fear means we know that we’ve seriously hurt God and we need to make amends. However allowing your Confession-phobia to keep you from the Sacrament will leave your relationship in shambles and will prevent you from living the life that God wants you to live.

A few years ago, while driving for work, I was listening to Mark Hart on the radio. He said something so radical that it changed my perception of the Sacrament forever. Mark said that he didn’t start being a good husband until he started regularly going to Confession.

Wait, what?

We’re only required to go once per year. Yet, here’s Mark saying that his breakthrough moment, his turning point, was to start to receive the Sacrament regularly. It was an incredibly profound moment for me.

Sin has power over us when we let it. Sin gets its power primarily thorough secrecy. We are obsessed with other people’s perceptions of us and so we have to keep our misdeeds buried deep.

Carrying around the knowledge that you’re living this fragmented life is a real burden. It eats at you. You give into sin more often because, hey, you’re already in it. We don’t like to admit that we’re wrong and really, that’s what Confession essentially is.

If you’re anything like me, you get that feeling of dread when you’re in line. I feel physically sick. I usually also seriously consider getting out of line and coming back another day. But I stay. Because living with guilt is no way to live.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation is the only way forward. It’s the only way out of sin. It’s the only way to holiness. It’s the only way to love more. Plus, you feel really, really good when you come out.

You deserve a chance to start fresh. Pull out the bulletin, find out when the Sacrament is offered, and go.