A Powerful Confession Strategy
I try to go to Confession once a month, but sometimes my schedule conspires against me. In early September, I was overdue and itching to go, which landed me in a parish half an hour away on a Tuesday night. Confession was preceded by a Novena to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, which was something truly beautiful. Afterwards, both priests assigned to the parish heard confessions. Even though it was after 8pm, the lines were quite long.
I don’t often get the chance to go to Confession to a priest outside of my parish, but when I do, it’s special. Many Catholics, myself included, seek extreme anonymity in the Sacrament, and so going to a priest that you don’t know and likely will never meet is especially comforting. I find myself less resistant to giving a full confession when I don’t know the priest. It’s silly, I know, but it’s also part of the human experience to attempt to save face.
Most of us will struggle with the same habitual sins throughout our life. If not the same particular sin, sins surrounding the same character defect. Having a regular confessor, one with whom you have some rapport, can be immensely helpful. A regular confessor can get to know you better and offer more tailored advice. Having the opportunity to go on occasion to a different confessor can lend some fresh eyes and a new perspective to your situation. Combining the two, you can come up with a really powerful plan for overcoming whatever is keeping you stuck.
If it’s difficult to travel to another parish for confession, there are opportunities such as Parish Penance services or even going to Confession while you’re traveling. You should never be afraid of Reconciliation, or of a priest yelling at you during the Sacrament. At the same time, there are some very real benefits to having a regular confessor and on occasion going to a priest that you’ll never meet again.
I Hate Car Dealers
Alison and I are in the market for a new car. Well, we thought we wanted a car, but now we’ve decided on a van. A few weekends ago we spent a marathon three days car shopping. We went to three different dealers and a couple of private party sellers. We didn’t walk away with a van, but I did walk away deeply disappointed with the process.
For whatever reason, it seems like it’s incredibly difficult to find a car dealer whom you can trust. The entire system is set up in a manipulative way, which to me violates the basic rule of a good deal. A good deal is when everyone deals honestly and with respect, and both parties walk away satisfied. Since most car buyers are financing their purchase, many break under the intense pressure in negotiations just so they don’t have to deal with the dealer anymore. Clearly not every car dealer is terrible, but there are more bad apples than good.
Alison and I are buying with cash, so we walked away from the bad deals, but honestly, it shouldn’t be like this at all. First there’s the ridiculous markup on the vehicles, then there’s the surprise fees that have no basis in fact or reality, and finally there’s the psychological warfare of the salesman and sales manager. The only reason why the system continues is because we all keep buying.
I’m not opposed to a business making a profit and I understand that there’s markup on everything, but I think that the auto industry is particularly egregious. In fact, I think a reasonable argument can be made that the auto industry is the modern slaveowner. In order to maximize their profits, they’re willing to lie and cheat to get buyers to sign on to payments. While the difference in monthly payments may seem small to the buyer, the profit to the dealer and actual cost to the buyer is extraordinarily high. Certainly buyers are voluntary slaves, but the same principles that underpinned the system of slavery in this country can be found in the auto industry today.
So what’s the solution? First, we need to give up our car addiction. It’s a great thing to love your car, take care of your car, and have pride in your car. It’s an entirely different thing to be obsessed with your car. Buy a car, and drive it for a decade, then shop for its replacement. Second, pay cash. Financing your car only limits your options. The monthly payment seems like its affordable until your company goes out of business, your kid needs braces, or your other car blows up. If you don’t have the cash, you can’t afford it. Third, say no to dealers. When buying a car, dealers are trying to earn your business. Don’t let them steal your money when you’re the one who makes the buying decision. Buy from dealers you know and trust, or from places like CarMax where there’s complete transparency in the buying process.
It’s sad that the auto industry preys on the general public, especially the poor, broke, and uneducated. Let’s starve them of the cash they need to stay in business until they get their act together.
Getting Back on the Horse
We underestimate the power of momentum. Momentum, as it builds, evolves into an unstoppable force. Decision making becomes easier when you step aside and let the momentum of the situation continue to push you forward. Getting it started, or reversing negative momentum, well that’s a whole other story.
The heat of summer completely killed my exercise momentum. Throughout the dead of winter, Benedict and I suited up and did our 4 mile daily walk all bundled up. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t terrible. The oppressive heat and humidity of this summer kept us inside most days and when we did get out there on the trail, I came back with a completely soaked shirt. Disgusting.
Weather is certainly a big obstacle when it comes to exercising outdoors, but so is illness. Being sick typically lasts more than just a day or two. The effects and fatigue can take up to a week to resolve after the symptoms subside. You just don’t feel up to your game and again, you’re kept on the bench.
This is how most negative trends start. A bad day of weather, an illness, a trip. Negative momentum builds, and builds, and builds until it’s moving too fast against you.
There’s no easy around it; you have to push back. Hard. You build momentum by getting out there and getting it done. Reverse any negative trend by doing the exact opposite with extreme prejudice.
If you’re suffering from negative momentum, do the opposite today, do it tomorrow, and keep doing it until you’re back on top.
The Radical Early Christians
For perhaps the first time in my life, I’m reading the Acts of the Apostles. Alison gave me the fantastic Ignatius Catholic Study Bible for Father’s Day this year and I’ve been working my way through the Gospels and other books of the New Testament. I wrote earlier this year about how I’ve been reading the Bible footnotes along with the actual text and how much richer of an experience it is.
While reading Acts, I noticed something quite interesting. Considered as stories happening within their place in history, the early Christians were truly counter-cultural. We’ve heard that we’re supposed to be counter-cultural ourselves, but the early Christians really took it to heart. Everything that they did was basically the complete opposite of what the rest of their culture was doing.
We’re the salt of the Earth, but we’ve become rather bland. Polls and statistics show that we mirror the rest of society in divorce rates and that most of us agree more with societal preference on social issues than with the Church’s teaching. Said another way, we’ve become so ingrained in society, we’ve lost that which makes us special.
It’s time to re-engage. The Church has always sought the betterment of people, true freedom of conscience and action, and to care for the poor, weak, and vulnerable. The fact is, we have the tools that make us truly counter-cultural. We have the Eucharist, the Sacraments, and a base of theology and philosophy so strong that no man, idea, or empire has been able to topple the Church since Her founding.
We need to return to Mass. Less than a quarter of Catholics go to Mass on a weekly basis. Sunday Mass is an obligation because the Church knows how much we need time for rest and nourishment. The Eucharist is the fuel of our lives and the more frequently we receive, the more graces we have to live a holy (and happy!) life. We need to get rid of our pride. Pride will kill a person faster than anything else. By recognizing, in humility, that the Church has a treasury of wisdom and by seeking to understand Her teachings, we can understand what She actually says, not what someone told us She says.
Being called a hypocrite isn’t the worst thing in the world. To be human means to fail. It also means that when we receive new information, we can change. That’s not hypocrisy, it’s maturity. Through a spirit of constant renewal, we can work every day to become better people.
The early Christians were truly set apart from their peers. As a result, people were inspired by their lives and flocked to their fledgling Church. It’s time for us to mirror their example. Go to Mass, learn the Church’s teachings, and live a life that makes you truly free.
Dating in the Married Life
The ordinary needs to be challenged. In the days of dating your wife, there was much newness in the air. You were getting to know each other, it was exciting, and the future was unknown. After your wedding day, things settled down. Many marriages fail with the couple citing that the flame died out, but that’s a fallacy. Dating your spouse doesn’t end on your wedding day. It doesn’t end, period.
Dating in the married life is significantly more fruitful than dating while in the single life. In the single life, both individuals are guarded. They typically don’t have shared goals, and the level of tolerance for a breakup is low. In the single life, there’s only so far into emotional intimacy that the couple can go. Dating in the married life is a continual process by which the spouses delve deeper into the relationship. Dating in the married life allows a couple to continually grow closer, to share in the fruits, and to work together towards common goals.
The question, then, comes down to a matter of effort. Spouses must sacrifice for one another by doing the lowly and menial tasks. Cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry, as an act of service and love, can be a part of spousal dating. Certainly going out can be a part of spousal dating. Eating at the dining room table, praying together, and writing love letters are all a part of spousal dating.
Good marriages take work and an investment of time. When you maintain focus on serving your wife more than you’re being served, by sacrificing for her without expectation of return, and by seeking to know her better each day, you can both continue to share the fruits of marriage.
Take Advantage of Financial Booms
There’s nothing better than a family financial boom. Flush with cash, you and your spouse breathe a little easier, you dream a little more, and the door of possibilities opens just a little wider. The great temptation is obviously to do something fun with the money… something a little reckless. The responsible thing is to use it to get ahead. How do you decide?
Income and the money that your family takes in from selling things, refunds, additional jobs, or anything else that generates revenue is never linear. Your income is either decreasing or, hopefully, increasing. Even as you move through the year, your budget will grow or shrink at times. There will be unexpected bumps in income and unexpected contractions. Despite the temptation, I’d encourage you to stay the course, stay responsible, and enjoy the security that getting ahead brings.
Alison and I have been having a great year. A number of things have caused our income to rise to new levels. We recently thought back on how things were when we were first married and how difficult the budget was. We’re now way better off than we were 3 years ago and it’s a great feeling. We’re making great progress on our goals and we’re staying in control.
Perhaps the biggest scheduled increase in our budget happens on a schedule. Alison is paid bi-weekly and so we get paid three times in a month twice a year. Since we live on two paychecks a month, that means we essentially have a third paycheck to use for discretionary purposes in those months. There are all sorts of fun ways we could spend the third paycheck, and we’ve certainly made a few fun purchases, but we largely have remained committed to getting ahead on our goals.
When I compare the feeling of buying something fun, which we have, to the security and stability that saving for a goal brings, which we also have done, I much prefer the latter. We could afford to upgrade our TV, but honestly, I’ll be over that in a few days. We could afford to do all sorts of things around the house, or go on a nice date night, but we know that reaching our goal is a much more satisfying pursuit.
We’re not perfect and not every dollar ends up where it’s supposed to, but we’ve pulled each other back from the edge of the cliff many times. Each time, I find it helpful to remind myself that there’s an infinite number of ways that we could spend that money. By recognizing that there will be something else that I’ll want after I buy that next “thing,” I’m better able to say no to myself.
Being an adult may be regarded by some to be boring, but I prefer the restful sleep of making the right choice than the nervous stress of a plan falling apart. The decision is yours, choose wisely.
Why Mass Matters
I don’t bother to read the surveys that pollsters do of Catholics. It turns into an exercise in, “I’m more Catholic than you,” and the number of people who self-identify as Catholic is way too high. Honestly, if you consistently miss Mass, it’s time to stop self-identifying as Catholic. It’s like being a vegetarian who eats meat four times a week. However, one thing that every survey does show is that the frequency of Mass attendance directly correlates to agreement with the Magisterium.
My family goes to Mass every week, no real surprise there. I would say that my choice to go to Mass is more out of a desire to go than out of a sense of duty. I like the peace of sanctuary, the rhythm of the liturgy, and the grace that I receive to get me through the week.
I’ve spent some time considering why frequency of Mass attendance correlates to higher levels of agreement with Church teachings. Certainly there is something miraculous about the Mass, but I think it’s about more than just that hour. Certainly there is a catechetical element to the homily. The priest or deacon has 15 minutes or so to help me better understand the readings and how they connect to my life, current events, and the world around me. But I think that there’s still something more to it.
If you take your faith seriously enough to go to Mass weekly, I think you’re the type of person who will try to get questions answered. We certainly have many societal issues that we’re trying to find solutions to, and many of us are challenged by others about what our faith stands for. I know why the Church opposes redefining marriage and abortion because I’ve read Her teachings. I know that Her reasonings are backed up by nearly 2,000 years of scholarly works by some of the greatest theological and philosophical minds and I’ve taken the time to read Her explanations. I think that all of that study would be enough to convince most reasonable people of the logic and rationale of Her arguments.
There are exceptions to every rule, and this of course, is one of them. There are many Catholics, even those in the pews with you on Sunday, who are financially supporting organizations that work against the Church, who are using contraceptives, and who are doing any number of things that the Church strongly counsels them against. At the same time, we are sitting there just as broken and just as sinful. That’s the beauty of the Church. We’re trying to live the lives that we’re called to, and each time we go to Mass, we give God one more opportunity to affect change in our lives. None of us are exempt from the universal call to holiness, nor are we free from the responsibility to examine our lives and change them accordingly.
The Mass is the center of the Christian life. It gives us the grace to seek constant renewal, an opportunity to listen to the Word of God, and a chance to pray for one another. Through regular attendance, we can slowly grow in wisdom and understanding, turning ourselves back towards the Church and Her teachings.
Confession-phobia
The fear of Confession is deadly. It’s healthy to have some amount of fear of the Sacrament. That fear means we know that we’ve seriously hurt God and we need to make amends. However allowing your Confession-phobia to keep you from the Sacrament will leave your relationship in shambles and will prevent you from living the life that God wants you to live.
A few years ago, while driving for work, I was listening to Mark Hart on the radio. He said something so radical that it changed my perception of the Sacrament forever. Mark said that he didn’t start being a good husband until he started regularly going to Confession.
Wait, what?
We’re only required to go once per year. Yet, here’s Mark saying that his breakthrough moment, his turning point, was to start to receive the Sacrament regularly. It was an incredibly profound moment for me.
Sin has power over us when we let it. Sin gets its power primarily thorough secrecy. We are obsessed with other people’s perceptions of us and so we have to keep our misdeeds buried deep.
Carrying around the knowledge that you’re living this fragmented life is a real burden. It eats at you. You give into sin more often because, hey, you’re already in it. We don’t like to admit that we’re wrong and really, that’s what Confession essentially is.
If you’re anything like me, you get that feeling of dread when you’re in line. I feel physically sick. I usually also seriously consider getting out of line and coming back another day. But I stay. Because living with guilt is no way to live.
The Sacrament of Reconciliation is the only way forward. It’s the only way out of sin. It’s the only way to holiness. It’s the only way to love more. Plus, you feel really, really good when you come out.
You deserve a chance to start fresh. Pull out the bulletin, find out when the Sacrament is offered, and go.
Take Pride in Your Car
Alison and I’s Prius is 10 years old this year. Well, technically, I guess it’s 11. We’ll soon cross the 250k mile mark and man, is it in good shape. Looking at it from the outside, you’d never guess that it was that old or that venerable. In general, I think that men love taking care of their cars, but I want us to go a step further. I want us to have pride in our cars.
Your car, for some period of your life, is your single biggest asset. There were times, or there will be times, in your life when the most expensive thing the you own is sitting in a parking space outside of your residence. The best way to preserve any asset is to do a fantastic job maintaining it. Keep your car clean with regular washes and cleanings. I prefer to hand wash the Prius because it gives me the ability to really get the whole car clean as opposed to automatic washes which miss spots. Cleaning the interior is just as important. The more frequent the cleanings, the better.
Maintenance is another big part of having pride in your car. Too often we’re tempted to avoid maintenance bills by selling the old car and buying a new one. That almost never makes financial sense. Find a quality shop that’ll do good work on your car. Make repairs early and always have cash on hand to cover parts that break. If you have the money set aside for “unexpected repairs,” you can make better decisions in the moment when the Check Engine light comes on and just make the repair instead of buying new. Maintenance is about making the car last longer as much as it is about keeping your family safe.
The kind of pride that I want us to have in our car is the pride that leads us to keeping it clean and maintained. Too many of us move way past pride and tie up their entire identity in their car. You likely have seen this around town- guys driving trucks with lift kits, giant tires, huge CB antennas, and twin smoke stacks. At the end of the day, your car is just that; a car. In a moment it could be totaled in an accident and gone forever. The car that you drive is not who you are as a person. You should never feel bad about yourself for driving a particular car. As long as you keep it clean and well maintained, even an old car will run further than anyone expects.
And for Pete’s sake, please don’t have a car that’s nicer than your house.
Daily Grooming
How we present ourselves to the world is an important aspect of live, and so making time for daily grooming is a must. To be fair, daily grooming can be a bit of a drag. Depending on the day, you may or may not feel like shaving, or you may opt for a few minutes of extra sleep instead of using that time for shaving. Regardless of how you feel on any particular day, make sure you take time for grooming.
Shaving daily, or allocating time for beard maintenance, is about more than just the smoothness of your face. It’s a discipline issue. If you can’t be disciplined enough to clean up your face every day, how can you be disciplined to accomplish anything of greatness? A scraggly appearance isn’t doing you any favors and, frankly, being properly groomed is a bit of a boost in manly confidence. Shaving may be tedious after doing it for decades, and yet it’s still a manly endeavor. Taking sharpened steel and skillfully running it across your face so that your face is as smooth as a fresh butter is, in its very essence, manly.
While it’s unnecessary to schedule your day around shaving time, plan your morning so that you have adequate time to accomplish this small, but important task. Shaving is alone time where you can contemplate life or plan your dreams. Never rob yourself of those moments in which you can ponder the meta questions.
The biggest asset in planning your day is knowing yourself. If you’re a morning person, your fight will be getting to bed on time to ensure that you have enough rest to jump out of bed in the morning and charge. If you’re a night owl, the fight is getting out of bed at the time that you planned for and set the night before. It’s important to realize the connection between both the time you wake up and the time that you go to sleep.
Men are always properly groomed. Give yourself enough time in the morning to take care of you so that you can be ready to take on the world with a fresh shave, fresh ideas, and an overall pleasing appearance.