When to Quit

Around this time of year, I’m always excited by the potential of the new year. I have a long list of things I want to try and do, and inevitably I start running at all of them, at the same time. While the new year is a great time to add some things to your life, it’s also the perfect time to pare down activities that aren’t producing results.

Productivity and focus are as much about being diligent with what you take on as they are about quitting. Too often we get lost in our pride, intransigent to our calendar’s pleas that we let go of some things. Whether you’re single or married, the day still only has 24 hours which means that every minute you dedicate to one pursuit, another pursuit sits idle. The finite amount of time in the day is the biggest reason why you need to be willing to cut certain activities or goals from your life.

Choosing what to cut and what to keep is a major decision. It’s made that much harder by the fact that you’ll have to face down a lot of emotions. There will be some projects that you should keep moving forward with but that you’ll feel the urge to cut. Laziness and inaction are always advocating their case. Ignore them. If it’s important, even if you haven’t seen progress recently, keep pushing. Projects that need to be cut are the ones that have little potential for success or that don’t deliver a good return on investment. 

Here’s an example. For years now, I’ve wanted to develop mobile apps. I have no programming experience, but assembled the tools and coursework to get me on my way. A few months into learning how to code, I was making steady progress. As a part of my learning, I immersed myself in the world of developers, listening to their conversations and understanding the nature of the market. I came to the realization that I was going to sink a massive amount of time into learning how to code, more time each year learning new coding languages, more time into programming the app, and a significant chunk of my daily workload into customer support and new feature implementation. All of this time was going to be dedicated to what would likely be very small returns, less than $10,000 over the lifetime of the app. So I could sink a ton of time into a project with dim prospects, or I could work really hard to build up my web design business which was waiting and ready to go.

You’re going to face decisions like this all of the time, and January is the perfect time to clean out your to do list. Get rid of the stuff that’s getting in the way of doing work that matters. Add in more things that will propel you and those around you to greatness. Be brave enough to quit.

Plus Two

We’re nearing the half-way mark of Alison’s pregnancy. This has been a very quick ride (for me, at least) compared to last time. I feel more confident in what’s happening and what’s going to happen. We’re also getting to the fun part. Alison is starting to feel kicks, soon we’ll (hopefully) know the gender, and in just a few short months, I’ll be holding my second child in my arms.

Benedict is simply amazing. He is crazy smart, speaks so clearly, and is a true joy to be around. He’s gentle, kind, patient, and generous… all perfect traits for an oldest child. I think he’s going to be a big help with new baby and he’s going to love all over that kid. 

One of the transitions I’m making mentally is grasping the concept that I don’t have a child, I have children. I have multiple kids that I’m responsible for, and get to play with. It’s a big step because, and I think we all do this, I don’t think that I’m old enough for that. It’s an absurd thought, but I think this is very much a milestone in a man’s life.

Children are a wonderful gift and bring so much light into the world. At the end of 2015, Benedict took a 3 day vacation to his grandparents and I worked to finish overdue projects. While he was gone, I was very productive, but also a bit sad. There was an emptiness in my life. Getting him home was the best! The fact that I not only get to keep him, but also have another one is amazing. I’m so excited to watch another human life grow before my eyes.

Going from a child to children is a big step, but our nature is prepared for it. So often I find myself responding appropriately to Benedict out of instinct and not intellect. In those times, I feel more confident than ever that I’m ready to take on the challenge, opportunity, and adventure of caring for my children.

Keep in Touch

I think that we have a tendency to discount work friendships. Work is not primarily a place to go to make new friends, but in the course of spending 40 hours a week together, you’re bound to forge some new relationships. I think that we discount these friendships because they quickly fade when someone leaves the company. We need to change this.

In the new economy of frequent job changes and endless freelance opportunities, we spend more of our time switching jobs than staying in them. That results in us having a much larger number of coworkers than ever before. This is great because we get the chance to learn from a much broader group of people. It also means that we are more fickle in our relationships.

The buzzword of today is “network.” Your network is who you know and it’s likely where your next job will come from. The problem with our new understanding of a network is that we’re selfish. We want to leverage our network to get something for ourselves, but are put off when others try to leverage us for the same purpose. 

Your network is a group of people with whom you have a relationship. You have more control over who’s in your network than you might think. That’s because you ultimately decide who makes the cut. Your network includes supervisors, coworkers, people that you’ve worked on projects with, and even direct reports. It will also include people that you know socially who work at other companies or run their own.  Your network will consist of individuals who know you, your work style, and your work ethic. 

What does this have to do with keeping in touch? When you or someone in your network leaves a job, don’t let that be the last point of contact that you have with them. It’s a great idea to keep in touch with them from time to time. I recently had lunch with someone who I haven’t worked with for over three years. My boss from that same time period and I still keep in touch on a monthly basis. These points of contact are great not because we’re trying to get ahead, but because we’re sustaining the relationships that we built while working together.

Constantly leveraging your network for your own objectives is a bad game plan and it often just comes off as you being a jerk. Keeping in touch with former work colleagues socially for the purpose of building relationships is a great idea. In a world where we’re forgetting how to forge human bonds, remember that people help people.

Parenting Requires Daily Adjustments

A few months ago, I was one confused dad. As a first time parent, all of the development stages in Benedict’s life are new to me. As a man, I’m a little less in tune with the changes going on in his life. To be sure, Benedict is extremely gentle and considerate. He shares everything very willingly, a trait that I hope he continues to have as he steps into the leadership role of big brother this summer.

My confusion stemmed from the fact that all of the sudden, Benedict had changed the game. His eating habits reversed, he was more irritable, and nothing seemed to console him. I wasn’t sure what was going on, or how I was supposed to respond. Did he need me to be on the floor playing with him more? Did he need more space? The answers to my questions came after a trip to the library. I picked up a book on toddlers and in one of them saw a graphic of a corkscrew. A child’s age was split in 6 month segments on opposite sides of the corkscrew, representing the travel towards and away from equilibrium. I had my answer.

I can think of no other task in life that challenges one’s assumptions better than parenting. We learn how to parent for today, only to find that our skills and approach need to change for tomorrow. A great illustration would be a child who accels academically in elementary and middle school, but falls behind in high school. The parenting paradigm that encouraged academic performance early on in education needs to change to deliver the same results in later education.

The fact remains that children’s needs change daily and we have to respond to them. It’s precisely because each child is different that there is no “perfect parent.” For that reason, you best will simply have to do. Our biggest threat is complacency. If we believe that our style of parenting from yesterday will work tomorrow, we’ll find both our lives and the lives of our children turned upside down.

So if we can’t be confident that our parenting day-to-day will remain equally effective, what can be done? Parenting does require daily adjustments, but those adjustments must be underpinned by guiding principles. This is an active endeavor and certainly it should be grounded in something. Your guiding principles should include both your vision for your child’s life and the values which you wish to impart to them.

It’s my goal that Benedict reach adulthood as a confident, emotionally secure, gracious person. It’s also my goal that he will have developed and nurtured his spiritual relationships to the point where he can continue them independently of me. My guiding principles include letting him fail safely, giving him plenty of space throughout the day, and being very tender in our 1-to-1 interactions. 

Will I be successful? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if I give my best effort and my whole self, being particular in helping him navigate around the dangerous waters that I’ve sailed through, I can set him up for a better life than mine. That, after all, has been the American objective of parenting for generations.

Take A Break

The biggest downside to being self-employed is that there’s no paid vacation. When I don’t work, I don’t get paid. This creates a dramatic tension that leaves me feeling guilty when I’m not working the hours that I need to be. Yet, intellectually, it’s completely unrealistic to expect full employment and full hours, 52 weeks a year. Life isn’t about money, but money is certainly important. Set goals, work hard, but don’t exhaust yourself and lose everything.

Setting realistic goals give you clarity. During work hours, you know what to work on and what you’re working towards. Goals should be broad enough to offer you several avenues to success, but defined enough so that you aren’t floating out in space. When you have an understanding of where you’re going, you can better plan your days.

Work hard during work hours. Too many people are lazy and fritter away precious time that could be used knocking out tasks and finishing projects. Then, when deadlines loom, they struggle to catch up. The key to achieving a work-life balance is to use each time appropriately. Use work time to accomplish work-related tasks and use family time for family activities only.

When you have clear direction and work diligently during work hours, you can give yourself permission to take a break. You understand the value of rest and when you’ve done all that you can during the week, you can relax on the weekend knowing that all is taken care of. Even more importantly, when you work hard, you can take guilt and work free vacations.

Rest is as important to your career your as work is. By using down time to restore your creative energies, you can do your best work when you’re on the clock.

2016 Goals

2016 is officially here! As is my tradition, I wanted to share with you my goals for the upcoming year. Just as I did last year, my goals are balanced across all areas of my life: financial, spiritual, intellectual, career, social, family, and fun. Sharing them with you is a great way for me to stay accountable to them. I began my goal planning at the end of November and started actually working on my goals in mid-December.

Before sharing my 2016 goals, I want to go over the results of my 2015 goals.

  1. Make Catholic Husband the best blog on the Internet. While I’m not there yet, I made substantial progress towards improving the blog in both content and presentation. The website itself is much cleaner and more streamlined. I don’t foresee many changes in the design happening in 2016 (to Alison’s great relief). I was successful in publishing regularly and am very proud, and frankly a bit surprised, that I reached this goal.
  2. Make Catholic Husband self-sufficient. Goal achieved, in a big way! I started doing freelance web design and was able to completely reimburse our family budget for all Catholic Husband spending, as well as provide an additional revenue stream. This was a big goal for me and I’m so glad that I was able to achieve it.
  3. I’m going to launch my first iOS app this year. Well, that didn’t happen. When I got into I realized that I simply didn’t have enough time to learn how to code and maintain an app. Additionally, the cost benefit analysis pointed to a low possible return. I think I was wise to quit this goal.
  4. Reach my weight goal. Another miss. In fact, I’m further from my goal than I was a year ago. This is mainly due to my headaches and the medication that I take for them. It was a hard year to push forward. Look for this goal again for 2016. 
  5. Read for 30 minutes a day. This was a mixed result. I didn’t complete 2 books per month and I was more successful in the beginning of the year than at the end. I attribute this to two causes. First, I spent more time reading the paper than books and second, my work in web design took up more of my free time.

Here’s what’s up for 2016.

  1. Double my web design gross revenue. I need to pick up 2-3 new clients each month in order to make this happen. It’s attainable, but I need to get intentional about prospecting and selling. 
  2. Reach my weight goal by August 1st. If I stick to my plan, I only need to lose about 1 pound per week. It’s doable, with diligence. Not only will this help me with my energy and creativity, but it’ll earn lots of healthcare incentive money through our insurance.
  3. Become a Glider flight instructor this Fall. I have a lot of studying to do, but this is also an attainable goal and something that would be amazing!
  4. Publish 5 blogs per week. Same as last year, but still important. It’ll end up being 260 unique posts. 
  5. Do something social with Benedict at least once per week. Now that we have wheels, I want to continue to socialize Benedict. I’m going to carve out time for us to do that.
  6. Pray daily with my family. It has been hit or miss in the past, so I want to make this a non-negotiable part of our routine this year.
  7. Read 24 books by the end of the year. I can do it, but I need to make the time.

What’s going on in 2016 for you?

Pray for Those Who Persecute You

But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. - Matthew 5:44

Jesus’ words always call us on to greater things, to be better people than we are today. Jesus’ words seem hyperbolic, but they are anything but hyperbolic. He was calling us to live the lives we were made to live, to reach the levels of true freedom that God had always intended for us.

Our collective conscience has been constantly focused on terrorism for over a decade. Although the modern terrorist threat to the United States began to form in the 1990s, September 11th solidified the impact on every day Americans, not just those abroad. The most recent attack save served to continue this cycle of fear and worry. As is typical of our society, we’ve taken on a team aspect to our fight against terrorism. It’s us versus them; our team versus theirs. While terrorist organizations are nimble and capable, America is still the baddest kid on the block. When we choose to use our military and intelligence might, there’s no safe place on Earth where our enemies can hide.

This is the case of Jhaddi John, a British rapper who joined ISIS to become the public face of their execution campaign against the West. In taunting us and our allies, he became a target. Now, according to reports, just over a year after he made his debut, he’s been tracked down, targeted, and eliminated.

If rapper/terrorist Jihadi John really is dead, then I guess you could say his last single was da bomb. -@NotKennyRogers | 11/13/15, 4:39 PM

When you read the news, I’d venture to guess you were a bit glad, as I was. I remember vividly the first execution of James Foley late last summer. Not only was it a call back to the Al Queda beheadings in the mid-2000s, but I also remember the events so well because of the stories of James’ incredible displays of faith while in captivity.

Yet, after reading the headlines and feeling like justice was done, I realized that celebrating this military accomplishment is really not worth a celebration at all. In fact, it’s the conclusion of a very tragic story arc in a much more sobering narrative. This young man, like so many others, has been robbed of his freedom. This is not a robbery perpetrated by any government, but by hatred and ISIS itself. Terrorist organizations rely on radicalized young people to carry out its cruel and inhumane attacks. In that way, they rob those young people of the opportunity of a long and fruitful life.

The process of radicalization is a long one, and one that requires constant injecting of hatred. The beauty of the mind is tarnished and marginalized as creative capacity and efforts are steered instead to negative thoughts, negative thinking, and eventually, pure hatred. These radicalized young people become consumed with a worldview that is not only mentally unhealthy, but that is so disconnected from reality that they can no longer make basic rational decisions. It’s in this mindset that they see suicide attacks against innocent populations as not only justified, but necessary. It’s this supremacist mindset that says that there’s only one way to praise God, and any persons who differ in opinion deserve death. 

Terrorism kills every individual that it touches. It kills the recruit’s free and rational intellect, it physically kills perpetrators of the attacks, and it kills its innocent victims. This is the true tragedy. So many lives that could be enjoying the family life, or sharing their gifts with the world are diverted to hate and so many lives are snuffed out by acts of hatred.

Jesus’ words to us in Matthew are quite clear. Although we are personally hurt by the actions of terrorism, we can’t forget that these acts are carried out by people. The perpetrators are in some small way victims themselves. Although they hurt us an others, they deserve our prayers because had they not been deceived into joining a world of hatred, they likely would have lived normal lives.

The Gospel is not an easy message. The Gospel demands justice. Yet, the Gospel also demands mercy. As Catholics, we’re called to advocate for justice, to protect the victim, and to pray for those who attack us. There are no winners in terrorism, only victims.

My Father’s Son

My younger self would be very disappointed in me if he knew the truth. I like jazz. When I was in 4th grade, my dad got really into jazz and would have it playing as background music each night during family dinner. He loved it, my siblings and I did not. This small chapter of my childhood reveals a simple truth: we’re all like our dads in one way or another.

I love watching Benedict because in him I see the basics of what it means to be human. Men are obsessed with trucks, we all love pressing buttons, and we emulate our parents. Over the past five years I’ve noticed more and more that I’m growing into liking the things that my dad likes, among them drinking water, listening to jazz, and spending time each day reading. This natural progression is part of the maturation process, but it is also heavily influenced by one’s father. If my dad didn’t expose me to jazz, I likely wouldn’t be into jazz right now, for example.

There’s a part of our dads in our own personalities. Our habits and idiosyncrasies, tastes and values are all derived, in part, based on our observations of his behaviors growing up. This makes it that much more important for us to live the lives we wish to model for our children.

While you may initially be resistant to becoming more like your dad, embrace it! Enjoy carrying on his legacy and eat your pride… he was right all along.

Take Care of Your Things

In our disposable culture, there are very few things left that are well made. Quality construction comes at a price, and consumers would rather pay less now for a lower quality product that will need to be replaced than buy a high quality product and simply fix it when it’s broken. This line of thinking applies to everything from cars to blenders.

Regardless of what kind of things that you have, it’s important for you to be a good steward of your material possessions. Things cost money, and that money was not easily made. If you were to do an analysis of how much you’re paid by the minute, and then applied that thinking to a purchase, your spending habits would change. For example, how long would you have to work to buy that particular blender? How many days would you have to work to afford that car?

Being a good steward is done partly when buying a product and partly when caring for a product. I’m pretty intense when it comes to taking care of our cars. I wash them regularly, wax them twice a year, and always make sure to take them in for scheduled maintenance. I do this not only because they’re the biggest assets that we currently own, but because I need them to last. The better I care for them, the longer they’ll be on the road in our family.

This is the secret to wealth. Fix something when it’s broken, and only replace when its unfixable or cost prohibitive. We live in a disposable culture, but we would all be better off if we shift ourselves out of consumption mode and into contentment mode.

A New Baby

I’m happy to announce today that Alison and I are expecting our second child. After two amazing years with Benedict, we’re excited to welcome his younger sibling this June. All is going well so far, and Alison and baby are healthy.

The changes of life continue to march forward and I’m elated that I get to experience the joys of having a baby in the house all over again. While I do expect there to be some degree of change in my work schedule and habits, there will be no interruptions here on the blog.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes. I look forward to filling my Twitter feed with pictures of yet another one of my children.