Parenting Requires Daily Adjustments

A few months ago, I was one confused dad. As a first time parent, all of the development stages in Benedict’s life are new to me. As a man, I’m a little less in tune with the changes going on in his life. To be sure, Benedict is extremely gentle and considerate. He shares everything very willingly, a trait that I hope he continues to have as he steps into the leadership role of big brother this summer.

My confusion stemmed from the fact that all of the sudden, Benedict had changed the game. His eating habits reversed, he was more irritable, and nothing seemed to console him. I wasn’t sure what was going on, or how I was supposed to respond. Did he need me to be on the floor playing with him more? Did he need more space? The answers to my questions came after a trip to the library. I picked up a book on toddlers and in one of them saw a graphic of a corkscrew. A child’s age was split in 6 month segments on opposite sides of the corkscrew, representing the travel towards and away from equilibrium. I had my answer.

I can think of no other task in life that challenges one’s assumptions better than parenting. We learn how to parent for today, only to find that our skills and approach need to change for tomorrow. A great illustration would be a child who accels academically in elementary and middle school, but falls behind in high school. The parenting paradigm that encouraged academic performance early on in education needs to change to deliver the same results in later education.

The fact remains that children’s needs change daily and we have to respond to them. It’s precisely because each child is different that there is no “perfect parent.” For that reason, you best will simply have to do. Our biggest threat is complacency. If we believe that our style of parenting from yesterday will work tomorrow, we’ll find both our lives and the lives of our children turned upside down.

So if we can’t be confident that our parenting day-to-day will remain equally effective, what can be done? Parenting does require daily adjustments, but those adjustments must be underpinned by guiding principles. This is an active endeavor and certainly it should be grounded in something. Your guiding principles should include both your vision for your child’s life and the values which you wish to impart to them.

It’s my goal that Benedict reach adulthood as a confident, emotionally secure, gracious person. It’s also my goal that he will have developed and nurtured his spiritual relationships to the point where he can continue them independently of me. My guiding principles include letting him fail safely, giving him plenty of space throughout the day, and being very tender in our 1-to-1 interactions. 

Will I be successful? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if I give my best effort and my whole self, being particular in helping him navigate around the dangerous waters that I’ve sailed through, I can set him up for a better life than mine. That, after all, has been the American objective of parenting for generations.

Take A Break

The biggest downside to being self-employed is that there’s no paid vacation. When I don’t work, I don’t get paid. This creates a dramatic tension that leaves me feeling guilty when I’m not working the hours that I need to be. Yet, intellectually, it’s completely unrealistic to expect full employment and full hours, 52 weeks a year. Life isn’t about money, but money is certainly important. Set goals, work hard, but don’t exhaust yourself and lose everything.

Setting realistic goals give you clarity. During work hours, you know what to work on and what you’re working towards. Goals should be broad enough to offer you several avenues to success, but defined enough so that you aren’t floating out in space. When you have an understanding of where you’re going, you can better plan your days.

Work hard during work hours. Too many people are lazy and fritter away precious time that could be used knocking out tasks and finishing projects. Then, when deadlines loom, they struggle to catch up. The key to achieving a work-life balance is to use each time appropriately. Use work time to accomplish work-related tasks and use family time for family activities only.

When you have clear direction and work diligently during work hours, you can give yourself permission to take a break. You understand the value of rest and when you’ve done all that you can during the week, you can relax on the weekend knowing that all is taken care of. Even more importantly, when you work hard, you can take guilt and work free vacations.

Rest is as important to your career your as work is. By using down time to restore your creative energies, you can do your best work when you’re on the clock.

2016 Goals

2016 is officially here! As is my tradition, I wanted to share with you my goals for the upcoming year. Just as I did last year, my goals are balanced across all areas of my life: financial, spiritual, intellectual, career, social, family, and fun. Sharing them with you is a great way for me to stay accountable to them. I began my goal planning at the end of November and started actually working on my goals in mid-December.

Before sharing my 2016 goals, I want to go over the results of my 2015 goals.

  1. Make Catholic Husband the best blog on the Internet. While I’m not there yet, I made substantial progress towards improving the blog in both content and presentation. The website itself is much cleaner and more streamlined. I don’t foresee many changes in the design happening in 2016 (to Alison’s great relief). I was successful in publishing regularly and am very proud, and frankly a bit surprised, that I reached this goal.
  2. Make Catholic Husband self-sufficient. Goal achieved, in a big way! I started doing freelance web design and was able to completely reimburse our family budget for all Catholic Husband spending, as well as provide an additional revenue stream. This was a big goal for me and I’m so glad that I was able to achieve it.
  3. I’m going to launch my first iOS app this year. Well, that didn’t happen. When I got into I realized that I simply didn’t have enough time to learn how to code and maintain an app. Additionally, the cost benefit analysis pointed to a low possible return. I think I was wise to quit this goal.
  4. Reach my weight goal. Another miss. In fact, I’m further from my goal than I was a year ago. This is mainly due to my headaches and the medication that I take for them. It was a hard year to push forward. Look for this goal again for 2016. 
  5. Read for 30 minutes a day. This was a mixed result. I didn’t complete 2 books per month and I was more successful in the beginning of the year than at the end. I attribute this to two causes. First, I spent more time reading the paper than books and second, my work in web design took up more of my free time.

Here’s what’s up for 2016.

  1. Double my web design gross revenue. I need to pick up 2-3 new clients each month in order to make this happen. It’s attainable, but I need to get intentional about prospecting and selling. 
  2. Reach my weight goal by August 1st. If I stick to my plan, I only need to lose about 1 pound per week. It’s doable, with diligence. Not only will this help me with my energy and creativity, but it’ll earn lots of healthcare incentive money through our insurance.
  3. Become a Glider flight instructor this Fall. I have a lot of studying to do, but this is also an attainable goal and something that would be amazing!
  4. Publish 5 blogs per week. Same as last year, but still important. It’ll end up being 260 unique posts. 
  5. Do something social with Benedict at least once per week. Now that we have wheels, I want to continue to socialize Benedict. I’m going to carve out time for us to do that.
  6. Pray daily with my family. It has been hit or miss in the past, so I want to make this a non-negotiable part of our routine this year.
  7. Read 24 books by the end of the year. I can do it, but I need to make the time.

What’s going on in 2016 for you?

Pray for Those Who Persecute You

But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. - Matthew 5:44

Jesus’ words always call us on to greater things, to be better people than we are today. Jesus’ words seem hyperbolic, but they are anything but hyperbolic. He was calling us to live the lives we were made to live, to reach the levels of true freedom that God had always intended for us.

Our collective conscience has been constantly focused on terrorism for over a decade. Although the modern terrorist threat to the United States began to form in the 1990s, September 11th solidified the impact on every day Americans, not just those abroad. The most recent attack save served to continue this cycle of fear and worry. As is typical of our society, we’ve taken on a team aspect to our fight against terrorism. It’s us versus them; our team versus theirs. While terrorist organizations are nimble and capable, America is still the baddest kid on the block. When we choose to use our military and intelligence might, there’s no safe place on Earth where our enemies can hide.

This is the case of Jhaddi John, a British rapper who joined ISIS to become the public face of their execution campaign against the West. In taunting us and our allies, he became a target. Now, according to reports, just over a year after he made his debut, he’s been tracked down, targeted, and eliminated.

If rapper/terrorist Jihadi John really is dead, then I guess you could say his last single was da bomb. -@NotKennyRogers | 11/13/15, 4:39 PM

When you read the news, I’d venture to guess you were a bit glad, as I was. I remember vividly the first execution of James Foley late last summer. Not only was it a call back to the Al Queda beheadings in the mid-2000s, but I also remember the events so well because of the stories of James’ incredible displays of faith while in captivity.

Yet, after reading the headlines and feeling like justice was done, I realized that celebrating this military accomplishment is really not worth a celebration at all. In fact, it’s the conclusion of a very tragic story arc in a much more sobering narrative. This young man, like so many others, has been robbed of his freedom. This is not a robbery perpetrated by any government, but by hatred and ISIS itself. Terrorist organizations rely on radicalized young people to carry out its cruel and inhumane attacks. In that way, they rob those young people of the opportunity of a long and fruitful life.

The process of radicalization is a long one, and one that requires constant injecting of hatred. The beauty of the mind is tarnished and marginalized as creative capacity and efforts are steered instead to negative thoughts, negative thinking, and eventually, pure hatred. These radicalized young people become consumed with a worldview that is not only mentally unhealthy, but that is so disconnected from reality that they can no longer make basic rational decisions. It’s in this mindset that they see suicide attacks against innocent populations as not only justified, but necessary. It’s this supremacist mindset that says that there’s only one way to praise God, and any persons who differ in opinion deserve death. 

Terrorism kills every individual that it touches. It kills the recruit’s free and rational intellect, it physically kills perpetrators of the attacks, and it kills its innocent victims. This is the true tragedy. So many lives that could be enjoying the family life, or sharing their gifts with the world are diverted to hate and so many lives are snuffed out by acts of hatred.

Jesus’ words to us in Matthew are quite clear. Although we are personally hurt by the actions of terrorism, we can’t forget that these acts are carried out by people. The perpetrators are in some small way victims themselves. Although they hurt us an others, they deserve our prayers because had they not been deceived into joining a world of hatred, they likely would have lived normal lives.

The Gospel is not an easy message. The Gospel demands justice. Yet, the Gospel also demands mercy. As Catholics, we’re called to advocate for justice, to protect the victim, and to pray for those who attack us. There are no winners in terrorism, only victims.

My Father’s Son

My younger self would be very disappointed in me if he knew the truth. I like jazz. When I was in 4th grade, my dad got really into jazz and would have it playing as background music each night during family dinner. He loved it, my siblings and I did not. This small chapter of my childhood reveals a simple truth: we’re all like our dads in one way or another.

I love watching Benedict because in him I see the basics of what it means to be human. Men are obsessed with trucks, we all love pressing buttons, and we emulate our parents. Over the past five years I’ve noticed more and more that I’m growing into liking the things that my dad likes, among them drinking water, listening to jazz, and spending time each day reading. This natural progression is part of the maturation process, but it is also heavily influenced by one’s father. If my dad didn’t expose me to jazz, I likely wouldn’t be into jazz right now, for example.

There’s a part of our dads in our own personalities. Our habits and idiosyncrasies, tastes and values are all derived, in part, based on our observations of his behaviors growing up. This makes it that much more important for us to live the lives we wish to model for our children.

While you may initially be resistant to becoming more like your dad, embrace it! Enjoy carrying on his legacy and eat your pride… he was right all along.

Take Care of Your Things

In our disposable culture, there are very few things left that are well made. Quality construction comes at a price, and consumers would rather pay less now for a lower quality product that will need to be replaced than buy a high quality product and simply fix it when it’s broken. This line of thinking applies to everything from cars to blenders.

Regardless of what kind of things that you have, it’s important for you to be a good steward of your material possessions. Things cost money, and that money was not easily made. If you were to do an analysis of how much you’re paid by the minute, and then applied that thinking to a purchase, your spending habits would change. For example, how long would you have to work to buy that particular blender? How many days would you have to work to afford that car?

Being a good steward is done partly when buying a product and partly when caring for a product. I’m pretty intense when it comes to taking care of our cars. I wash them regularly, wax them twice a year, and always make sure to take them in for scheduled maintenance. I do this not only because they’re the biggest assets that we currently own, but because I need them to last. The better I care for them, the longer they’ll be on the road in our family.

This is the secret to wealth. Fix something when it’s broken, and only replace when its unfixable or cost prohibitive. We live in a disposable culture, but we would all be better off if we shift ourselves out of consumption mode and into contentment mode.

A New Baby

I’m happy to announce today that Alison and I are expecting our second child. After two amazing years with Benedict, we’re excited to welcome his younger sibling this June. All is going well so far, and Alison and baby are healthy.

The changes of life continue to march forward and I’m elated that I get to experience the joys of having a baby in the house all over again. While I do expect there to be some degree of change in my work schedule and habits, there will be no interruptions here on the blog.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes. I look forward to filling my Twitter feed with pictures of yet another one of my children.

Preserve Your Energy

Negativity is the biggest drain on our energy. Every day we encounter plenty of rabbit holes to go down; negative news stories, clickbait links, and even entertainment programs. I’ve just decided that it’s not worth it to waste my time and energy on things that I have no control over and that are just going to bum me out.

We need to be conscious of how we spend our time and energy, two of the most precious and finite resources that we have. If we waste them away on things that will create anxiety, we lose more than we could have ever hoped to gain. Prioritizing our time and consciously choosing to spend our energy on positive thoughts and activities are the best things we can do for ourselves.

I like to have a running list of the things that I need to do each day in order to be successful. My list includes reading, eating well, exercising and a certain amount of work. I limit my unscheduled time in order to help me stay on track with things that I know yield positive results. For example, if I had three hours of free time each day, I might waste them binge watching Netflix. Instead, if I take those same three hours and give 1 hour to exercise, 1 hour to work, 30 minutes to reading, and 30 minutes to free time, I can relax knowing that watching Netflix isn’t going to hurt me somewhere else. I’ve never finished a book and said to myself, “I wish I’d spent that time watching TV.”

We only have so much energy each day. Spend it on things worth doing so that tomorrow you’ll wake up a better person for your wife, your family, and yourself.

The Daily Struggle for Goodness

When you’re trying to live a better life, a holier life, don’t expect evil to just roll over and take it. The struggle between God and the Devil is a zero sum game. For every person that lives a holy life, there’s that much less capacity for evil in the world. When seeking renewal or change, be prepared for the onslaught.

Evil wants power, absolute control, and absolute corruption. Like a disease, evil from one person can spread to another. A person who’s fallen victim to sin can easily pull someone else into sin with them. In the same way, holiness in one person can spread to another.

Being tempted isn’t a bad thing. In fact, sometimes it can be a sign that you’re doing the right thing. That doesn’t make it easier to endure, but it does give you more leverage to resist. The more momentum you have in your quest for holiness, the more successful you’ll be. We can’t reasonably expect for temptation to go away, but we can expect it to subside. Like lifting weights, the more frequently we resist temptation, the stronger we become.

Sin and evil are a fact of life, but participating in them doesn’t have to be. Through the Sacraments, grace, prayer, and diligence, you can live a holy life. Millions of Saints have done just that, so why not be the next one?

Setting Your Goals for 2016

I think that the most interesting aspect of goal setting is looking at them in hindsight. As I sit here looking at the goals that I set for myself, I have to laugh at how much things have changed over the past 12 months. Some goals I beat by huge margins, and others I completely abandoned. It’s the nature of the year and the nature of change. The real secret to having goals that get accomplished is to start planning, in detail, right now.

The time to set goals is not January. Goals, given their long-range nature, require lots of contemplation. First, you have to consider where you want to go. What are the projects that you want to complete? What are the passions that you want to pursue? How do they fit into the schedule of your life? You have a finite amount of time to dedicate to pursuits, so what should you spend that time on? If you’re panicked in January because you’re losing time, you’ll make different decisions than if you completed the same exercise in November or December.

There are perennial goals that end up on all of our lists, the most common one being weight loss. We’re likely to pick up a few pounds over the holidays, but [we still struggle to keep momentum moving past January] (https://www.catholichusband.org/files/why-resolutions-fail.php). It can take up to 12 weeks to start seeing the results of your increased physical activity, which means if you quit before April, you did something wrong. If weight loss is on your list, start working towards the goal now, not January 1st. It’s a worthy goal and one that’ll pay dividends in your quality of life. Keep in mind that maintaining a healthy weight is more than reaching a goal and checking off a box, it’s a lifestyle.

In addition to health, financial, and career goals, I like to add in one extra goal for something that I’ve always wanted to do. It may be a skill that you want to learn or a lifelong dream. Have something fun in your goals so that it’s not all boring.

Once you’ve set your goals, spend time planning, in detail, how you’re going to accomplish them. What’s your plan? What does your daily and weekly calendar look like? What are the milestones and how are you going to reach them? How will you track your progress and remain accountable?

Now is the time to think about, write down, and plan your goals. Use the last few days of December and first few days of January to clean out everything in your workspace and get everything set-up. Then, charge!