Catholic Husband

Until recently, Alison and I didn’t really have a giving strategy. Each month, we’d go over the solicitations that we’d received from various causes in the mail along with how much we had budget for giving. We’d write checks, send them out in the mail, and that was how we did things. There’s nothing wrong with that strategy. People were helped, good causes were able to move forward, and all was well. Lately, I’ve been rethinking our strategy because what was missing was a feeling of connectedness.

Most of us are not called to be missionaries or to run charities, so instead we support those worthy actions materially. Our charitable dollars go towards enabling those who are directly involved in social work are able to help those who need it most. There is, however, the temptation for us to give money and wash our hands. We need to be connected in a very real way to our giving beyond our signature on the check.

An excellent way for you to be more connected to your giving is to do a sizable portion of it to local charities. Help people in your community, and watch your charitable dollars going to work right at home. This type of giving builds relationships between your family and the charity that you’re supporting, enabling you to perhaps even give of your time as well. Money gets food sent to a food bank, but it doesn’t unbox the food and put it on the shelves. Money buys an ultrasound machine, but it doesn’t talk to the scared pregnant teenager who needs to hear the truth of the baby growing inside of her. We need to do more.

There is great consolation and beauty in giving of one’s time because, in some way, it’s more difficult than giving of material resources. We place a premium on our time, and so when we give it away out of a spirit of generosity, we’re able to better serve the poor and vulnerable. Plus, an hour of volunteering bears more fruit than an hour of Netflix.

I most value the relationship that’s built between cause and donor. When you build a strong relationship, you’re in a position to shape vision, provide even more financial support, and understand that your donations truly are at work, helping people right where you live.

Our lives are busy, but by giving to local charities both materially and of your time, you’ll make a positive and lasting impact right where you live. Even more importantly, involve your children so that they can have a model of generosity that will shape the kind of adults they’ll be in the not too distant future.

I follow the work of Shawn Blanc pretty closely. Shawn is a writer based in Kansas City who does a variety of work and writing based on doing your best creative work and the tools to help you achieve that end. Among his sites are Tools & Toys and The Sweet Setup. I like Shawn because he and I share very similar tastes, and so if he find a particular app to be very helpful, I will likely do the same. One of Shawn’s sites recently featured a book recommendation, “Emily Post’s Essential Manners for Men: Second Edition” by Peter Post. Emily Post’s writings on etiquette are the gold standard on the subject, and now her grandson, Peter, is carrying on her legacy.

The United States Armed Forces is a professional military organization that focuses as much on customs and courtesies as it does on accomplishing the mission. As the son of an Air Force office, this high level of discipline, attention to details, and the importance of manners was a part of my upbringing. My brother and I were responsible for getting my mom’s car door, I still always use “sir” and “ma’am” and I always send thank you notes. Manners and etiquette are both lost communication arts in modern society, the saddest part of which is that good etiquette reflects a high level of self-confidence and self-worth.

I picked up a copy of the book and am working my way through it with one goal: I want to be better at respecting Alison and interacting socially with other adults. As Alison gets closer to graduation and we begin job interviews, the way that I present myself in various settings will make an impact and could potentially make or break a deal. Beyond that, I want to act appropriately in a way that conveys a sense of respect and compassion.

While many of us fail to grasp fully what etiquette truly is, Peter lays out three exceptional principles that clearly illustrate the spirit of the topic: consideration, respect, and honesty.

Consideration is taking into account how others will feel and react to any given situation. Peter describes it as empathy. For example, if I’m at a dinner and I notice someone being mostly left out of the conversation, I can understand how that’d make me feel. I’d feel a bit awkward, uncomfortable, and frankly, put off. Understanding how that individual may be feeling, I can bring them into the conversation by changing the topic to something within their wheelhouse. If I know anything about them, I can ask a question about that thing and let them open up and feel included and comfortable. In order to be very good at the principle of consideration, it’s important to be a good listener. Hear and file away what people are saying, especially about their backgrounds. This is always a great starting point… who doesn’t love to talk about what they truly care about?

The second principle is respect. Respect is the understanding of how your actions will affect someone else. Our human nature often encourages us to do that which will make us feel good, which is why so many employees leave their companies on a bad note. They say what’s on their mind because they believe it is without consequence, but not action is without consequence. Hurtful words hurt, no matter what. Living in a spirit of respect will cause you to make decision that will build up your relationships with others instead of damage them. Respect may be steering away from topics of conversation that may bring up bad memories, not repeatedly reminding others of their faults, or even winning in a competition with grace.

The third principle is honesty. Honesty is conveying truth, but done in a courteous way. Instead of calling someone else’s idea stupid or inane, you could politely disagree by stating your disagreement with the idea without the need to attack or debase it. Honesty does require that we’re genuine, but that we are in a way that’s not brutal.

If we’re able to successfully incorporate these three principles into each situation that we find ourselves in, we’ll gain the esteem and respect of those around us, and mutually reap the benefits of positive human relationships. Everyone wins when we walk away from a social situation in which we’re all built up, included, and respected.

One of men’s greatest flaws is our inability to express, process, or deal with emotions. We know two emotions: passion and anger. The depth of the human experience is lived through the vast spectrum of emotion, each eliciting a different set of responses and lessons. Our female counterparts are often blamed for being too emotion, but I believe that it’s precisely their ability to intuit and live through their emotions that they’re able to live more fully alive.

I think that men downplay emotions because of how we believe that we will be perceived. We’ve been told that emotions are weakness or that they cloud our judgement. As a result, we’ve come to believe in two types of emotion, good and bad. The problem with marginalizing those emotions that we consider to be “bad” is that they may be telling us something that’s either untrue or a lesson that we need to learn.

I’ve been working on being more perceptive as I approach the end of two years as a stay-at-home dad. I work, yes, but my primary daily responsibility is the care of our children and our home. Benedict is always happy, energetic, and engaging when other people are around, but during the day when its just he and I, I oftentimes won’t get that same level of energy and expression. That makes me feel like he’s bored with me and so I perceive myself feeling the emotions of inadequacy, failure, and disappointment. When I vocalize those feelings to Alison, she reassures me by sharing her knowledge of personalities, adolescent behavior, and human growth.

Consider if instead of processing those emotions, I kept them inside. Those feelings of inadequacy, the most baleful and dangerous that a man can experience, would gnaw at me to the point of obsession. While I’d be sidelining those emotions, I’d likely become more cold, distant, and cutoff from Benedict resulting in a less vibrant relationship. Over time, it would be incredibly destructive, all over emotions that were both unprocessed and based on a falsehood.

This is what’s at stake when we fail to embrace who we are a humans and live through the emotions that we experience. Emotions drive behavior whether we deal with them or not. Although we may not be as perceptive as our female counterparts, we can perceive if we’re sensitive to how the day’s events impact us. The beauty of marriage is that we have a very safe place to express our emotions, to get an outside opinion, and perhaps even advice on how to proceed.

Emotions are not the enemy, failure to process them is. Be connected to who you are and live more vibrantly in harmony with your emotions.

The interview season is in full swing for Alison. We’re about 18 months from graduation and her schedule is full of calls, phone interviews, and soon we’ll be travel to conduct site visits. It’s very exciting to finally see all of her work paying off, but it’s also exciting for us on the social front as well.

Medical school and residency are not conducive to a robust social life. Certainly there is time for socialization and many of her classmates have been successful in pursing social adventures. However, the changing nature of the schedule, along with onerous work and long hours preclude us from having the type of social life that we desire.

All of that is about to change. In recent weeks we’ve been talking about our future and our plans, and we’ve come to the realization that our lives are about to fundamentally change in a way that we’ve never experienced in our married life together. Our schedule is about to be our own… how will we use it?

I think that Alison and I both share a deep longing to be an active family in our parish and to connect with other young families. We’ve had some success so far, but not in the way that I experienced as a child growing up. After Mass we’d always spend time standing around and chatting with friends from the parish, our priests would be regular guests in our home, and we often went out and about town on errands.

Now that we have a family, and now that we have two cars again, I’d like to see us step into that level of engagement. It’s the way we as humans are made. We’re social beings who long for interaction, engagement, and connection. I want to share our table with friends and help in the local community. 

A social life as a family is very different from the social life of a student or a young professional. It’s refined and has the objective of engagement as opposed to interior objectives. Having a solid social life is more than just beneficial for the parents; it’s a great life for the children who get to experience what it means to be human.