Honor Your Mother
During the years when my dad was in the Air Force, he seemed to find himself frequently in jobs that deployed on a regular basis. As a fighter pilot, his squadron was often sent to the desert for 90 days at a time. While it was a somewhat manageable amount of time compared to the length of deployments that other service families have had to endure in the past decade, the frequency was fairly brutal. During those times of deployment, my mom was left mostly alone to care for us.
We hear in the Gospels that we should love our mothers, but I think that too often we don’t recognize the full scope of what they do for us. Watching Alison provide for Benedict in all of the ways that she does gives me greater insight into the time, effort, and attention my own mother gave me.
The fact is, moms go above and beyond. I’m reminded of a [YouTube video released last year about the “World’s Toughest Job]. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3xM93rXbY) In the video, applicants are involved in a video interview for a position that sounds borderline illegal, only to have it revealed that the job they are interviewing for is that of mom. The nature of moms leads them to be very nurturing, resulting in tireless work.
How can we best honor our moms? Calling her is a good start, but so are random acts of kindness. Flowers, mailed cards, or any associated gestures can be wonderful ways to show your thanks and appreciation for your mother. If your mom is in a Nursing Home, be sure to visit her often and take her on outings.
Being a mom is not easy and we owe so much of who we are to our mothers. Make sure she knows just how grateful you are.
Grading Your Performance
It’s a good idea to think about your performance as a man and husband in terms of a grading scale. In days past, while you were still in school, you had some subjects that came easily to you in which you easily achieved an A with little effort. In some other subjects, you had a natural ability, but had to apply yourself more and may have hovered in the B range. Finally, there were (hopefully) a few areas where you truly lacked a natural ability and had to really work hard to achieve a commendable grade. Life really is no different.
Understanding where you’re strong, and focusing attention where you’re weak can elevate your game. No one enters into a marriage with the expectation that they’ll be a failure. No man says “I do” with the full intention of being a deadbeat or a loser. We all aspire to something greater. We want to be that couple that has a 50 or 60 year marriage. The truth is, when you first get married, you’re really quite bad. It’s not you, necessarily, it’s just a whole new reality. Think back to when you were first married, you may have been going through the motions of what you thought a good husband was or what a good husband does, but you were lacking the “why” behind those actions. Now, as time passed and you and your wife matured within your marriage, the dynamic shifted and you both better understand one another. While time is an ally in helping you to both mature, it presents the danger of complacency.
That’s where grading your performance comes in. I try to go through this process on a regular basis, or anytime I feel like Alison and I are getting out of sync. It’s all about overcoming the natural inclination to place blame and instead to accept responsibility. I want to be honest about where I need improvement because I want a 60 year marriage and I know that the joy, happiness, tranquility and strength that a good marriage can bring to a family and a community is only possible when I do everything within my power to live my vocation faithfully. When I’m honest in my evaluation, find resolutions, and then focus on achieving those outcomes, Alison, and our children, are the real winners.
In order to effectively gauge your performance, it’s necessary to be hyper observant in your daily live. Marriage happens in that reality: the daily experience. If you’re not carefully paying attention to your behaviors, attitudes, and reactions to situations, you’re not going to be able to find areas for improvement. Oftentimes these observations lead to brutal truths about yourself, character flaws, and past hurts. We all have to confront the uncomfortable in order to move on to greener pastures. Analyzing your responses, especially in times when you’re stressed, frustrated, or reacting poorly to a given situation can help you to identify trigger points and chain reactions so that you can better contain yourself in the future.
It should be noted that evaluating yourself is as much about celebrating the good things that you’re doing as it is about correcting the things that need to be fixed. The fact remains that you are doing some things very well and exceed not only your peers, but your wife’s expectations. Those good things that you’re doing should be reinforced, and the underlying actions and principles that result in your high marks should be duplicated in areas that could benefit from them.
The unexamined life is truly not worth living, but even more likely is the fact that your wife has zero interest in staying married to the man of her wedding day. She married you because she wants to share a life together and to grow old together, not stand still with a young, wild, and slightly immature man while she and the world keep spinning. Keep doing good, understand where you’re falling down and grow in those areas. Then you’ll both benefit from a rich life together.
Why I’m Optimistic
Inviting God into every aspect of your life is clearly an excellent idea. Having His help and guidance is like having a cheat code in life. There are many areas, however, that I don’t even think to invite Him in. Guidance on a major purchase, request for help while working towards goals, or even just increasing the prayers of thanksgiving and showering Him with gratitude are places where I have room for improvement.
For the past 3 and a half years, things have been pretty tight in our household. With Alison in training and our family happily growing, we’ve been striving towards this goal of getting Alison trained, certified, and out in practice. While taking this journey, we’ve had the weight of a huge student loan following us around. In fact, it’s precisely the student loan that’s caused everything to be so tight. This isn’t a complaint. Those loans enabled Alison to go to school, get trained, and soon, have a big toolbox to fix the mess with, even though it will take time. This also isn’t a vote in support of student loans. I think it’s safe to say that Alison and I will be strongly dissuading our own children from taking on the burden of debt in any form.
I share all of this because I’m extremely optimistic about 2016. This is the year that we go from being on defense to going on offense. Diligent budgeting, incentive programs, my growing web design business, Alison taking on an extra shift once a week, and the potential financial benefits of Alison signing a contract for work this year means that we’re going to have a lot coming in.
This is exciting not in that we’re suddenly going to have a very full budget, but because we’re going to make real, sustained progress. The money coming in has already been spoken for. I’m excited for the psychological effect of seeing our debt decrease. After treading water for years, I’m ready to start swimming.
I hope that you and your family have something to be optimistic about this year. Whether it’s welcoming a new member of your family, reaching the last leg of a goal, or even getting everything straightened out in your family budget, this is the year to do it.
In this new year which brings with it so much hope and optimism, I hope that you find peace. More importantly, I hope that both you and I are better about inviting God into all areas of our lives so that He can guide and bless us and make 2016 the year that we start something amazing.
Parenting is Innate
This blog post was originally intended to be a reflection on how the beauty of shared parenting reveals the true design of parenthood. I was going to discuss the many times when Alison has been there to help ease my struggles with caring for Benedict and how our system ensures a consistent experience for Benedict. As I sat down to write this post a few weeks ago, Benedict was crying. Usually he’s asleep at 5am on a Saturday morning, so this behavior was unusual. I waited a few minutes to ensure that he was actually awake, not wanting to disrupt what may have been just a momentary expression of emotion after a bad dream.
I concluded that he likely just needed some clean pants. I intended to briefly get him up, change him, and then lay him back down for the balance of his rest. As I opened the door, the waves of heat hit me. I immediately looked down to see his space heater had not shut-off as it should have, and instead was giving me a reading of hot, hot, hot! Benedict was hot and unhappy. Who could blame him?
I got him up and placed him in bed with Alison, who until that moment was asleep. I got him a cup of cold water and a cool cloth for his forehead. He cooled down and calmed down, but was awake and playful. Alison, still tired from a week of work, asked me to take him back and so, at 5:52am, with less than half of my writing complete, I stopped working and took him downstairs.
For me, this story is the embodiment of what it means to be a parent. More than that, it demonstrates the innate code that each one of us carries within ourselves to be nurturing parents. The situation was urgent and, without thinking, I acted. Although Saturday early morning is my one time during the week to write, there was something more important afoot.
Alison, though tired, made the same sacrifice. Sleep is crucial to health and wellbeing, and yet she was willing to give it up to comfort her child. She asked me to take Benedict at the appropriate time when it was evident that he wouldn’t be going back to sleep, but she was nonetheless willing to sacrifice her sleep to care for her child.
Just as there are clues within nature that point to the ordered way in which we are to live our lives, so too are there clues within our behaviors and choices that point to the way we are to care for children. I’m thankful to have Alison by my side as my wife, teammate, and partner in life to care for and raise our children.
Long Term Thinking
Life in the Collins household has been in full motion as of late. Just after Thanksgiving we bought a van and expanded to a two car family. Then, late in December, my trusty Prius essentially died. We were able to sell it for a fair price, but we’re back to just one car. Of course, I was mildly devastated to lose my signature car.
As you may have seen on my Twitter feed, Alison has started receiving emails and phone calls from recruiters making inquires about her interests after graduation. All of these events have caused us sit down and answer the question: 10 years from graduation, where do we want to be? We’re calling our answer the “10-Year Plan."
We know what kind of medicine Alison wants to practice and we know where we want to be living, but what do we want our financial situation to be? What do we want our home to look like? What do we want our family situation to be? The answers to all of these questions, in broad strokes obviously, are even today impacting our decisions.
The vehicle that makes any plan work, especially our 10-year plan, is the finances. Money gives us the opportunity and ability to do things. Oftentimes we’re firemen when it comes to our money. We think in the short term, patching holes and putting out fires. Since graduating college, we’ve been those firemen. Now, after years of hard work and planning, we’re transitioning to a long-term view of our money. This is the key to wealth building… making financial decisions based on how they’ll impact you 5, 10, and 20 years down the road, instead of how they’ll impact you next month.
I like this long term, big picture, strategic thinking. While working for the Boy Scouts, I was routinely given high marks on my ability to see the big picture and execute on the small tasks to achieve that overall goal. While 10 years seems a long way off, and it certainly is, there’s no doubt that the buying decisions that Alison and I make today impact our ability to hit our 10 year goals.
A key to success in making financial decisions with long term thinking is to make them before they come. Money ebbs and flows, meaning it can show up quite unexpectedly and in large amounts. Delineating between needs and wants, and having a plan laid out for any and all “extra” dollars can accelerate progress. When you make decisions before money shows up, you minimize the chances that it’ll be delegated to the wrong objective.
Getting to the point of long term thinking in your life is something that takes time, takes planning, and takes unity with your spouse. When you do get there, buckle up because there’s nothing that you can’t accomplish together.
The Sky Rarely Falls
People have been predicting the end of the United States and the collapse of the dollar since the very beginning of our Nation. There are plenty of threats and things to fear out there, but the sky rarely falls. If you find yourself living in constant fear of the economic or political collapse of your society, then you’ve placed your trust in the wrong god.
None of us can know what’s going to happen in the future, and we’ve all experienced economic, political, and social unrest. The fact remains that things always recover. Our emotions can be so easily manipulated by the media that we consume–it’s important for us to keep our priorities straight. We trust in God to provide for us, we act with common sense, and we build our homes on solid foundations.
I, too, find myself starting to worry when things falter economically, but that fear is more about my lack of security than anything else. I then take that fear and direct it towards sound financial decision making that sets my family on solid ground. While things may be bad today, when looking at the big picture, this is just yet another blip. If I save, eliminate debt, and plan for the future, I won’t be at the mercy of the market.
I don’t fret about political elections because there’s no way of knowing what’s going to happen. In the ten months between now and election day, so much could happen. Worrying about the outcome does absolutely nothing. Instead I research the candidates and vote when the polls are open.
Many claim the sky is falling, but they are shown to be silly when the next day, the sky is still where it ought to be. Place your faith, and trust, in God. Make wise decisions and focus your creative energies on those things that will improve your life and the lives of those around you.
Why Marriages Fail
One of the main roles in the household for husbands is to take care of all of the little details when it comes to maintenance and upkeep. Oil changes, washing the car, lawn care, shoveling snow, and other associated tasks all fall within our purview. These are the tasks that we do for our wives. They aren’t fun and they aren’t glamorous, but we do them anyway.
We take these small annoyances off of her plate so that she can focus on other things, likely more important things. It’s pleasant to think about that fact that she doesn’t have to deal with the details of these mechanical tasks. When we complete them, she feels cared for. While it’s somewhat instinctual that we take the lead on mechanical tasks, I believe there’s something bigger at play.
When we look out across the marital landscape today, it’s plain to see that there’s an overabundance of failed marriages. While there are certainly legitimate cases in which a marriage was never valid to begin with, or where a spouse lives in constant fear for their own safety and wellbeing, I believe that the root cause of failed marriages is innate selfishness. In a way, it’s reflective of our times. We’ve slowly turned in on ourselves and, as a result, we’ve taken our gaze off of the horizon and lowered it to our own pathetically small world.
Selfishness kills marriages because it’s the antithesis of marriage. Matrimony is a Sacrament about total donation of self to the other: body, mind, and spirit. It’s a Sacrament that binds two into one, that calls for an openness to life and lends itself to properly raising children. Selfishness in marriage takes many seemingly ordinary forms: career, financial, adultery, substance abuse, and withholding. The interesting thing is that they all have the same capacity to destroy a marriage. A workaholic can destroy their marriage just as easily as an alcoholic. It’s the same root problem: selfishness.
We’re naturally selfish; it comes from our instinctual need to survive. Yet, in our marriage, arguably the safest, most stable relationship in our lives, we need to counter that selfishness. We need to be proactively seeking out ways to serve our wives, to make their lives easier, and to take small annoyances off of their plate.
There are many great things that you already do to make your wife’s life easier, but today I want to challenge all of us to go even further. Consciously seek out ways each day to remove another annoyance from her life. Over time, you’ll find your marriage is strengthened as you reduce your own selfishness and increase your love and fidelity.
Try New Things in Your Career
The New Year presents many interesting possibilities. You have a blank canvas of twelve months to go out and do something new, unique, challenging, and interesting. While many of us tend to think more about personal goals or dreams, I’d encourage you to consider your career as well.
Regardless of how long you’ve been at a particular job, there’s always something new for you to try. You’ll likely be sitting down for your annual review in the coming weeks, and when you do, I’d be willing to bet the conversation will include your vision for the future. What things do you want to try within the scope of your job, team, division, and company?
There are plenty of challenges for you to take on professionally, but what is one that could be of benefit to both you and your company? Always be willing to try new things at work because you never know what opportunities they’ll create. It could prepare you for that next promotion or show you what direction to not take with your career.
Trying new things in your career raises your profile, grows your skill set, positions you for something better and just might even earn you a promotion. The adventure of something new might even break up the monotony of your day, show you a brighter future, or it may even show you that you need to rethink your career as a whole.
Employers love bright, bold, and brave employees. Be a standout by actively seeking for ways to expand your career and skill set within your company. By this time next year, you just might be surprised at how big of an impact this one decision has made.
Be Social After Mass
One of my favorite memories growing up was being social after Mass. This likely had more to do with the copious amounts of doughnuts available in the narthex or Parish hall, but there was something fun and refreshing about not racing home immediately after Mass ended. We got to know the people in the pews, made friends, and I would often get a little excited when I saw people from Church out in the world running errands. That’s what good community is.
On the whole, Catholics lag behind our Christian friends when it comes to the social element of Sunday. We’ve got them beat on the substance of the liturgical aspect, but we’ve lost sight of the fact that from the beginning of our Church, we were a community. The early Christians gathered in one another’s homes for the Eucharist and it’s doubtful that they showed up 10 minutes late and left before the final song was over. The focus of Sunday, without a doubt, is the Eucharist, but that celebration is enhanced when we spend more than an hour a week together.
I’ll be the first to admit that my family isn’t doing too well on this front. Our parish has limited gathering space and getting to the gathering space requires leaving the Church and walking downstairs. It’s a lot of friction that’s seldom worth the effort. As I get more involved in the Knights of Columbus Council and as Benedict and I venture out into the world more, we’re starting to meet more people, and hopefully soon we’ll find a friend or two to chat with after Mass.
Connecting with fellow Catholics is fun. I think we tend to believe that there are few others like us in the Church, practicing Catholics who are “normal” or who work in our field. Yet, the Church is bursting at the seams with young professionals and young families.
If you aren’t currently being social after Mass, consider ways that you can be. The focus is still on the Eucharist, but the community is built up and enhanced when we connect with one another on a personal level.
Inconvenient Times of Need
If there’s one thing about marriage that’s true, it’s that your spouse often needs you when it’s most inconvenient. While not altogether a bad thing, it can be a bit frustrating when she wants to talk while you want to sleep, or when you need a favor while she’s working on a craft. While the inconvenience can be chafing, it can also be beautiful.
Sacrifice is an amazing thing, especially when done for one’s family. I get a great amount of joy when I’m able to do even small things for Benedict. That time could be used on my own pursuits, or I could remain comfortably seated, but instead I get up and do some task for him. I’ll have to remember this post when we struggle through the challenges of potty training.
Willingness to help at even the inconvenient times is part of the benefits of marriage. Spouses routinely sacrifice for and help one another. They can be relied upon as a dependable support structure, always available and always willing.
Times of need are rarely convenient. Never be so lost in an activity or task that you’re unable or unwilling to drop what you’re doing and help your wife. It’s in the times when it’s most difficult to help that you’re able to most clearly show love in action. You wife is the most important person in your world, so help accordingly.