Why Marriages Fail
One of the main roles in the household for husbands is to take care of all of the little details when it comes to maintenance and upkeep. Oil changes, washing the car, lawn care, shoveling snow, and other associated tasks all fall within our purview. These are the tasks that we do for our wives. They aren’t fun and they aren’t glamorous, but we do them anyway.
We take these small annoyances off of her plate so that she can focus on other things, likely more important things. It’s pleasant to think about that fact that she doesn’t have to deal with the details of these mechanical tasks. When we complete them, she feels cared for. While it’s somewhat instinctual that we take the lead on mechanical tasks, I believe there’s something bigger at play.
When we look out across the marital landscape today, it’s plain to see that there’s an overabundance of failed marriages. While there are certainly legitimate cases in which a marriage was never valid to begin with, or where a spouse lives in constant fear for their own safety and wellbeing, I believe that the root cause of failed marriages is innate selfishness. In a way, it’s reflective of our times. We’ve slowly turned in on ourselves and, as a result, we’ve taken our gaze off of the horizon and lowered it to our own pathetically small world.
Selfishness kills marriages because it’s the antithesis of marriage. Matrimony is a Sacrament about total donation of self to the other: body, mind, and spirit. It’s a Sacrament that binds two into one, that calls for an openness to life and lends itself to properly raising children. Selfishness in marriage takes many seemingly ordinary forms: career, financial, adultery, substance abuse, and withholding. The interesting thing is that they all have the same capacity to destroy a marriage. A workaholic can destroy their marriage just as easily as an alcoholic. It’s the same root problem: selfishness.
We’re naturally selfish; it comes from our instinctual need to survive. Yet, in our marriage, arguably the safest, most stable relationship in our lives, we need to counter that selfishness. We need to be proactively seeking out ways to serve our wives, to make their lives easier, and to take small annoyances off of their plate.
There are many great things that you already do to make your wife’s life easier, but today I want to challenge all of us to go even further. Consciously seek out ways each day to remove another annoyance from her life. Over time, you’ll find your marriage is strengthened as you reduce your own selfishness and increase your love and fidelity.
Try New Things in Your Career
The New Year presents many interesting possibilities. You have a blank canvas of twelve months to go out and do something new, unique, challenging, and interesting. While many of us tend to think more about personal goals or dreams, I’d encourage you to consider your career as well.
Regardless of how long you’ve been at a particular job, there’s always something new for you to try. You’ll likely be sitting down for your annual review in the coming weeks, and when you do, I’d be willing to bet the conversation will include your vision for the future. What things do you want to try within the scope of your job, team, division, and company?
There are plenty of challenges for you to take on professionally, but what is one that could be of benefit to both you and your company? Always be willing to try new things at work because you never know what opportunities they’ll create. It could prepare you for that next promotion or show you what direction to not take with your career.
Trying new things in your career raises your profile, grows your skill set, positions you for something better and just might even earn you a promotion. The adventure of something new might even break up the monotony of your day, show you a brighter future, or it may even show you that you need to rethink your career as a whole.
Employers love bright, bold, and brave employees. Be a standout by actively seeking for ways to expand your career and skill set within your company. By this time next year, you just might be surprised at how big of an impact this one decision has made.
Be Social After Mass
One of my favorite memories growing up was being social after Mass. This likely had more to do with the copious amounts of doughnuts available in the narthex or Parish hall, but there was something fun and refreshing about not racing home immediately after Mass ended. We got to know the people in the pews, made friends, and I would often get a little excited when I saw people from Church out in the world running errands. That’s what good community is.
On the whole, Catholics lag behind our Christian friends when it comes to the social element of Sunday. We’ve got them beat on the substance of the liturgical aspect, but we’ve lost sight of the fact that from the beginning of our Church, we were a community. The early Christians gathered in one another’s homes for the Eucharist and it’s doubtful that they showed up 10 minutes late and left before the final song was over. The focus of Sunday, without a doubt, is the Eucharist, but that celebration is enhanced when we spend more than an hour a week together.
I’ll be the first to admit that my family isn’t doing too well on this front. Our parish has limited gathering space and getting to the gathering space requires leaving the Church and walking downstairs. It’s a lot of friction that’s seldom worth the effort. As I get more involved in the Knights of Columbus Council and as Benedict and I venture out into the world more, we’re starting to meet more people, and hopefully soon we’ll find a friend or two to chat with after Mass.
Connecting with fellow Catholics is fun. I think we tend to believe that there are few others like us in the Church, practicing Catholics who are “normal” or who work in our field. Yet, the Church is bursting at the seams with young professionals and young families.
If you aren’t currently being social after Mass, consider ways that you can be. The focus is still on the Eucharist, but the community is built up and enhanced when we connect with one another on a personal level.
Inconvenient Times of Need
If there’s one thing about marriage that’s true, it’s that your spouse often needs you when it’s most inconvenient. While not altogether a bad thing, it can be a bit frustrating when she wants to talk while you want to sleep, or when you need a favor while she’s working on a craft. While the inconvenience can be chafing, it can also be beautiful.
Sacrifice is an amazing thing, especially when done for one’s family. I get a great amount of joy when I’m able to do even small things for Benedict. That time could be used on my own pursuits, or I could remain comfortably seated, but instead I get up and do some task for him. I’ll have to remember this post when we struggle through the challenges of potty training.
Willingness to help at even the inconvenient times is part of the benefits of marriage. Spouses routinely sacrifice for and help one another. They can be relied upon as a dependable support structure, always available and always willing.
Times of need are rarely convenient. Never be so lost in an activity or task that you’re unable or unwilling to drop what you’re doing and help your wife. It’s in the times when it’s most difficult to help that you’re able to most clearly show love in action. You wife is the most important person in your world, so help accordingly.
Broken Promises
I’ve been struggling lately to defend my beliefs amid our culture shifts. It’s not that I think that I’m wrong, but it’s that I’m made to feel like I’m wrong. It’s the bitter poison that Modernism tries to feed us. Modernism is a supremacist ideology that seeks to suppress and supplant all other thought systems. When you get down to the meat of Modernism’s arguments, it’s mostly semantics. New is not always better than old. New is not always destructive. Old is not always wrong. What isn’t semantics, however, is logic. The fatal flaw of Modernism is that it cannot withstand even the first buffets of logic.
There’s no way, in any possible world, to deny Natural Law. In the way that gravity cannot be denied, it cannot be logically stated (and defended) that there is no natural order of things. Modernism attempts to shroud itself in the mantle of high intellectualism, but it’s a straw man. It makes huge promises, but only delivers disappointment. That’s because not only is it untested, it’s poorly constructed.
Take, for example, contraceptives. For decades now, we’ve been told that contraceptives give freedom and liberation to women. Those who oppose it for moral reasons are marginalized professionally. Women of all ages are repeatedly counseled by medical professionals to use them. Natural Family Planning is scoffed at, although decades of medical research prove it to be as effective as contraceptives.
Modernism promised freedom, but delivered disappointment. Women spend the first half of their reproductive lives on contraceptives trying to avoid pregnancy and the second half of their reproductive lives trying to reverse the lasting effects in order to achieve pregnancy. Many suffer debilitating migraines and the heartache of miscarriages because of long term contraceptive use. [Rates of single parent homes skyrocketed] from 5% in 1960 to nearly 40% in 2006 (http://www.irp.wisc.edu/publications/focus/pdfs/foc262d.pdf). The importance of that statistic is that [single parent homes] is the number one indicator of poverty (http://www.prb.org/pdf10/single-motherfamilies.pdf). It’s just another broken promise.
We could go through other examples of the banners that Modernism touts, but we’d continue find the same answer. That’s because, logically speaking, all of Modernism’s premises are built on the same flawed logic.
Traditional thinking is about more than just remaining rooted in proven knowledge; it’s about exploration and expansion. Once an idea is proven to be true, it can be incorporated into its thought system.
A good example of this would be the Catholic Church. Time and time again the Church is chastised for being anti-science, too out of touch, and old fashioned. Yet, we forget that we would have lost so much scientific knowledge without the Church. The Church has consistently incorporated the best of a generation’s ideas into Her thought system. She has championed universal education and founded the modern healthcare system. To be sure, she rejects that which does not stand up to rigorous intellectual scrutiny, but to say that She is stuck in the Middle Ages because She doesn’t conform to your two-decade old idea is asinine.
This is the beauty of tradition and the genius of Catholicism. Trends in thought come and go. Yet, the intelligent are wise enough to pick out the good pieces and integrate them into their own thought system and discard the rest. When you find yourself in doubt about your beliefs, a simple application of logic will help you to find your way.
Discipline Trickles Down
Alison’s schedule around Holy Days is always a little tricky. Our parish generally offers sufficient Masses, but they don’t offer evening Masses on Holy Days (or Sunday). That means that we can be legitimately scrambling to get to Mass. This year, her schedule meant that we needed to go to Mass on December 31st, instead of January 1st. While praying before Mass, I decided to ask for a gift for the new year. I thought about plenty of options, but settled on one that I thought would bring about all. I asked for the grace of discipline.
Discipline is something that we all love to hate. It forces us to do things that are good for us when our laziness or fear try to keep us down. It brings about tremendous benefits and, executed over time, takes you to where you want to be. Discipline is the mature version of us making a decision and not letting the immature version of ourselves call the shots.
I thought discipline was the perfect gift because it can’t help but trickle down into other areas of our lives. If I’m disciplined in my daily routine, I’ll be disciplined in my prayer life. If I’m disciplined in my exercise plans, I’ll be disciplined in my eating habits. If I’m disciplined in my financial life, I’ll be disciplined in my spending. The heart of all success is discipline.
I love the saying, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” We have today to hit our goals, to implement our plans, and to check off our to do list. We can’t fix yesterday, and we can’t work on tomorrow. While January 1st is a huge psychological turning point, truly your alarm clock going off is just as much of a fresh start.
I need to inject discipline back into my life because of the stability, diligence, and productivity that it brings. Laziness and idleness starve my creativity and drain my energy. The best way to fall asleep is when your body is tired and your mind is at peace because you used the day to the fullest. Work on discipline and watch it bear fruit across all areas of your life.
Minivans
Earlier this year, Alison and I started discussing acquiring a minivan. We’ve been a one car family for about 18 months, but as we looked to the future, the time for us to expand our fleet was drawing near. Logically, we decided a minivan would be the right choice for our next car.
After much heartache, we finally came across a van around Thanksgiving and on our way home from the Jersey Shore after Thanksgiving break, we bought it. I’m the primary driver of the van and believe me, that thing is sweet. It’s roomy, it’s smooth, and it’s comfortable. In short, it’s awesome.
I’ve noticed several changes in my life since starting to drive the van. First, I drive much more calmly. I think that part of it has to do with the fact that I’m no longer getting Prius milage, but it also has to do with the way the car feels. If I need power, I can get power, but it doesn’t really seem that necessary. Driving is no longer an octane-fueled stressful event. Instead, it’s a pleasure. I apologize to all minivans whose slow driving previously frustrated me.
The other great thing about the van is the cargo space. I no longer have to think when loading stuff up. There’s plenty of room, so I just toss it all in. That’s the American dream right there.
I think that the biggest change in acquiring the van comes in the form of freedom. We now have a family car that we can all ride comfortably in. We have a car that can go on long trips. Benedict and I now have the ability to go out on social outings throughout the week.
Life is good when you have a minivan. Although I’ve received several snide comments about masculinity and minivans, for me, the van means something different. It means safe, comfortable transportation so that my family can travel together to new and wonderful places.
When to Quit
Around this time of year, I’m always excited by the potential of the new year. I have a long list of things I want to try and do, and inevitably I start running at all of them, at the same time. While the new year is a great time to add some things to your life, it’s also the perfect time to pare down activities that aren’t producing results.
Productivity and focus are as much about being diligent with what you take on as they are about quitting. Too often we get lost in our pride, intransigent to our calendar’s pleas that we let go of some things. Whether you’re single or married, the day still only has 24 hours which means that every minute you dedicate to one pursuit, another pursuit sits idle. The finite amount of time in the day is the biggest reason why you need to be willing to cut certain activities or goals from your life.
Choosing what to cut and what to keep is a major decision. It’s made that much harder by the fact that you’ll have to face down a lot of emotions. There will be some projects that you should keep moving forward with but that you’ll feel the urge to cut. Laziness and inaction are always advocating their case. Ignore them. If it’s important, even if you haven’t seen progress recently, keep pushing. Projects that need to be cut are the ones that have little potential for success or that don’t deliver a good return on investment.
Here’s an example. For years now, I’ve wanted to develop mobile apps. I have no programming experience, but assembled the tools and coursework to get me on my way. A few months into learning how to code, I was making steady progress. As a part of my learning, I immersed myself in the world of developers, listening to their conversations and understanding the nature of the market. I came to the realization that I was going to sink a massive amount of time into learning how to code, more time each year learning new coding languages, more time into programming the app, and a significant chunk of my daily workload into customer support and new feature implementation. All of this time was going to be dedicated to what would likely be very small returns, less than $10,000 over the lifetime of the app. So I could sink a ton of time into a project with dim prospects, or I could work really hard to build up my web design business which was waiting and ready to go.
You’re going to face decisions like this all of the time, and January is the perfect time to clean out your to do list. Get rid of the stuff that’s getting in the way of doing work that matters. Add in more things that will propel you and those around you to greatness. Be brave enough to quit.
Plus Two
We’re nearing the half-way mark of Alison’s pregnancy. This has been a very quick ride (for me, at least) compared to last time. I feel more confident in what’s happening and what’s going to happen. We’re also getting to the fun part. Alison is starting to feel kicks, soon we’ll (hopefully) know the gender, and in just a few short months, I’ll be holding my second child in my arms.
Benedict is simply amazing. He is crazy smart, speaks so clearly, and is a true joy to be around. He’s gentle, kind, patient, and generous… all perfect traits for an oldest child. I think he’s going to be a big help with new baby and he’s going to love all over that kid.
One of the transitions I’m making mentally is grasping the concept that I don’t have a child, I have children. I have multiple kids that I’m responsible for, and get to play with. It’s a big step because, and I think we all do this, I don’t think that I’m old enough for that. It’s an absurd thought, but I think this is very much a milestone in a man’s life.
Children are a wonderful gift and bring so much light into the world. At the end of 2015, Benedict took a 3 day vacation to his grandparents and I worked to finish overdue projects. While he was gone, I was very productive, but also a bit sad. There was an emptiness in my life. Getting him home was the best! The fact that I not only get to keep him, but also have another one is amazing. I’m so excited to watch another human life grow before my eyes.
Going from a child to children is a big step, but our nature is prepared for it. So often I find myself responding appropriately to Benedict out of instinct and not intellect. In those times, I feel more confident than ever that I’m ready to take on the challenge, opportunity, and adventure of caring for my children.
Keep in Touch
I think that we have a tendency to discount work friendships. Work is not primarily a place to go to make new friends, but in the course of spending 40 hours a week together, you’re bound to forge some new relationships. I think that we discount these friendships because they quickly fade when someone leaves the company. We need to change this.
In the new economy of frequent job changes and endless freelance opportunities, we spend more of our time switching jobs than staying in them. That results in us having a much larger number of coworkers than ever before. This is great because we get the chance to learn from a much broader group of people. It also means that we are more fickle in our relationships.
The buzzword of today is “network.” Your network is who you know and it’s likely where your next job will come from. The problem with our new understanding of a network is that we’re selfish. We want to leverage our network to get something for ourselves, but are put off when others try to leverage us for the same purpose.
Your network is a group of people with whom you have a relationship. You have more control over who’s in your network than you might think. That’s because you ultimately decide who makes the cut. Your network includes supervisors, coworkers, people that you’ve worked on projects with, and even direct reports. It will also include people that you know socially who work at other companies or run their own. Your network will consist of individuals who know you, your work style, and your work ethic.
What does this have to do with keeping in touch? When you or someone in your network leaves a job, don’t let that be the last point of contact that you have with them. It’s a great idea to keep in touch with them from time to time. I recently had lunch with someone who I haven’t worked with for over three years. My boss from that same time period and I still keep in touch on a monthly basis. These points of contact are great not because we’re trying to get ahead, but because we’re sustaining the relationships that we built while working together.
Constantly leveraging your network for your own objectives is a bad game plan and it often just comes off as you being a jerk. Keeping in touch with former work colleagues socially for the purpose of building relationships is a great idea. In a world where we’re forgetting how to forge human bonds, remember that people help people.