Sick of Reality TV
Television programming has the unique ability to bring people together. Pursuing Twitter after an episode of “The Bachelor” or checking out the blogs after an explosive episode gives one the sense of just how transcendent it can be. One of the more popular genres of television programming in the past decade has been the rise of so-called “Reality TV.” The thing is, none of it is real, and I’m sick of it.
Entertainment is meant to be a form of escapism, removing us from the cares and concerns of our current state in life and, for a time, immerse us in someone else’s story. The best storytellers are those who are authentic, relatable, and believable, traits that are conspicuously missing from Reality TV. As humans, we crave connection and authenticity, so being manipulated by a set of writers or editors is a truly revolting thought.
The problem with Reality TV is that the scripting is so invasive that it prevents anything real from happening. Characters, whom we’re supposed to believe are opening their lives up to us, are instead just character actors. They play a part and not necessarily the person that they truly are. This is antithetical to the premise of the programming. Even if characters are given leeway to be themselves, in post-production, the editors and producers cherry pick clips in order to fit their narrative. What results is a story so divorced from reality that it bears no merits.
This is a problem in almost all programming today. Competition shows, lifestyle shows, and even entrepreneurial shows have fallen victim to this plague. What’s left is what’s sure to be known as the “Missing Years,” a period of time in which there was no substantive contribution to the art of entertainment. TV Land in 20 years will still be showing “The Andy Griffith Show” and “I Love Lucy,” because they were what they represented themselves to be: fiction. Instead, what we have today is heavily scripted programming masquerading as reality.
The solution is to change our demands in programming, but it must be acknowledged that this is a large ship to turn. We collectively get what we crave, which is why family programming has been squeezed out by racy, borderline pornographic storylines. As with anything else, effecting this change will take us individually refusing to tune in or click on those shows which are devoid of any value: entertainment or otherwise.
Education Happens Everywhere
One of the great tragedies of the American educational system is that it compartmentalizes learning. Learning and education, so it suggests, can only happen in a specific place and in a specific way. Thus, students must be in a classroom with books and a teacher in order for learning to happen. The problem is not so much the standardized format of instruction, but rather the subtle message that it sends.
Children grow to resent school and refuse most academic work outside of the classroom. Parents struggle to get their children to complete their homework. Breaks, especially summer break, turn into mostly inert periods of time with no scholarly work or exploration. Returning from break, faculty must work to help students “re-learn” what they’ve forgotten. It’s a frustrating cycle that is self-perpetuating. We spend all of our time modeling what we believe education looks like while neglecting to inform students that formal education is only part of what it means to be human.
Any person, at any time, can grow their intellect and advance beyond the knowledge required to attain any credentialed degree. One does not need a degree in order to be smart, nor does having a degree make one intelligent. The fact remains that the world is our oyster, and we can explore it as we wish. Our brains are ready to grow, to accept new information, and to explore new pathways.
After completing formal schooling, many Americans no longer engage in academic pursuits, few even take the time to crack open a book. If they do, odds are that it’s junk material on inconsequential topics. This is truly a waste.
We all have interests and things that we’d like to know more about. Be bold enough to engage in new material, think new thoughts, and expand your horizons. If you want to gain knowledge and grow as a person, learn, read, and explore. You don’t need to pay for it, just pick up a book.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Reject the myth that education has to look a certain way and happen in a certain place. The world is waiting for you to explore and humanity is waiting for your intellectual contributions. So make one.
Inadequacies
There are certain experiences that are universal to all parents. Children, regardless of culture and environment, all act in generally the same manner. They are all following the same mental growth curve and have the same milestones. Raking things towards themselves turns into a pincher action. Crawling turns into unstable standing. Babbles turn into words, which turn into sentences. As children follow this invisible curve, parents do as well. We develop strong feelings of protection, strong opinions on proper parenting, and eventual feelings of inadequacies.
Just as we anthropomorphize our pets, we start to place emotions on our children. We assume that they have complex and layered needs that we are incapable of meeting. Oddly, these feelings aren’t dismissed when a temper tantrum is soothed with water or graham cracker. Children largely have only one or two desires in any given moment. They likely include a particular food combined with a particular activity. Simple. It’s we as parents that make things complicated.
Feelings of inadequacy are often just that, feelings. They may be an internal warning that you need to step up your parenting game, but guilt associated with parenting is usually blown out of proportion. So long as you’re meeting your child’s basic needs and introducing them to the world around them, you’re doing enough.
Dwelling on these feelings can affect your parenting. When you start to feel inadequate, here’s my advice. Go into the room where your kids are playing, and play with them. Problem solved.
God, Hell, and Timeouts
One of the areas of parenting that I didn’t anticipate being uncomfortable with is timeouts. I wouldn’t say that Benedict has a case of the terrible twos, but I would say that he is still learning how to process his emotions. He’s a very easy going little guy whose bad moods can generally be managed by a simple change of scenery. Otherwise, he’s a joy to be with and lots of fun. Yet, like any toddler, his actions merit a timeout a few times per day.
I don’t like the feeling of putting him in timeout. Intellectually, I get it. I need to help him learn the right behavior today so that he can have a happy, disciplined life. Emotionally, it’s extremely difficult. It’s difficult because I see only the good in him, and so when he does something that’s bad and I have to discipline him, it makes me feel sad. These emotions can be most vividly described at a recent Sunday in the back of Church.
Benedict likes to run around, and so when we corral him in the pew, he can get a bit antsy. He needed a break, so I took him into the back of Church to discuss why his behavior was unacceptable. As I gently spoke to him in the back of Church, he got even more frustrated that he couldn’t walk and began to flail his arms. I found a corner, put him in timeout, and stood with my back to him so that he couldn’t get out. A great thing about Benedict is that he generally knows his guilt and, when put in timeout, won’t attempt to flee. I looked down on him a couple of times only to find him looking hopefully back up at me. His expression was sheepish and it was a look of both an apology and of request for mercy. In that moment, I got another glimpse into the mind of God.
So much about parenting is a reflection of our relationship with God. He’s created us, we are His children. He has such great expectations of us and, like the father in me, only can see the best in me. So when I make a mistake, what we call sin, He knows that He has to put me in timeout. Yet, it’s not Him doing it, it’s my actions that necessitate the discipline. During those times when we’re in timeout, all He wants to do is pick us back up and bring us back into the fold. We call that Confession. If we refuse to turn back to Him, and are eternally separated from Him, that is like the modern tragedy of so many families, permanently estranged.
Many people delay or avoid transitioning into the role of parent for many reasons, but I’ve found nothing to be more beneficial to my spiritual life than being a father. By recognizing my relationship with God in my relationship with Benedict, I can better understand my relationship with God and how my actions truly affect Him. Parenting is a great vocation and, like the priesthood or religious life, is a mirror of the Divine.
Sin Drags You Down
I’m never more keenly aware of the physical effects of sin in my life than right after confession. I walk out of the Church with a great sense of relief, perhaps even a bit lighter. Truly I feel freed from that which was holding me back. This feeling, replicated each time I go to confession, leads me to wonder, how much does sin really drag me down?
We know that sin is an offense against charity, against love. We know that sin affects all of us and that it impairs our judgement and ability to act freely. We bind ourselves to evil instead of running free with love. That’s the 10,000 foot view. On the day to day level, as we make our decisions, sin begets more sin. We wander deeper into the ocean before we turn back to the lighthouse of mercy and make it to solid ground.
When we say that sin affects all of us, those whom are most affected are our family. Sin turns our attention and priorities selfishly inward, so when I sin, I turn some of my attention away from my family. Instead of selflessly giving all of myself and expecting nothing in return, I selfishly put myself at the head of the line. This creates an increasing amount of discord in the household. We get out of sync as our priorities no longer align. Naturally, this happens by degrees, but with enough time spent away from God’s mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the great the divide grows.
It’s easy to miss the subtle signs as sin takes a great hold in our lives. I think that we tend to tolerate some lower level sin. Instead of working to root out all sin, we focus on the big stuff and let the little stuff slide. A lie or two, some gossip here and there, nothing too serious. Yet, it is serious. It’s the stuff that drags us down and pulls us out to sea. It’s like the old Catholic fallacy of, “I’m aiming for purgatory.” If you aim for purgatory, you might miss and end up no place that you want to be. If instead we aim for Heaven, we just might make it.
Part of sin’s mind game strategy is despair. If you truly believe that you can’t live the life of a saint, then you’ll lower your expectations, allow those gateway sins into your life, and be impaired by sin’s presence in your life. Instead of giving into despair, our best daily course is a strong regimen of prayer. Prayer that permeates our day is like an antibiotic, slowly but surely eradicating sin in our lives. When we make no provision, nor give any room to sin, we can live the lives we were meant to live: lives of true freedom.
Sin has a very real effect on our daily lives, our decision making, and our overall mood. The best way to live in true love and pure joy is to go to Confession regularly and establish a routine of prayer throughout your day. You, and your family, will love living with a truly free you.
Overwhelmed with Gratitude
Life is full of grand adventure. Our emotions, and the circumstances around us, can cast us into profound sadness or propel us to extreme happiness. We all have a tendency to take things for granted, so when we’re in the times of great joy, we should remember to acknowledge the source from which all blessings flow.
Earlier this Spring, I had one of those experiences of joy. Alison, Benedict, and I were at Mass with my parents in the parish that I grew up in. When we’re with my parents, Benedict ditches us for them. So while he was crawling all over the pew and playing with everything, Alison and I were left mostly in peace. Sitting there with Alison and our unborn child, I felt grateful for all that I have. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the blessings of my family, especially the one that Alison and I are building.
Gratitude is a trait that I hope to pass on to my children. A major component of the human experience is reliance on others. Alone, we can do little, but together, we can do a lot. We’re an interdependent species that fares far better when we work together. Acknowledging those who help us or have been kind to us should be an integral part of who we are as people.
We have each been given many blessings in this life. In good times and in bad, be sure that you’re grateful for what you have.
The Dinner Opportunity
We tend to overlook the dinner opportunity. Thanks to the rise in popularity of cooking shows, I think we’re beginning to appreciate the role that food plays in our lives. In fact, if you watch any home renovation shows, people often look to upgrade their kitchens before any other room in the house. We need food for survival, but in the midst of a busy and crazy day, food serves a much greater purpose. Meals are a time for rest, relaxation, and for the family, an opportunity to come together.
Far too often, dinner time is wasted in front of the television, over the sink, or in the car on the way to some event. Dinner should be the high point of the family’s day, a sacred appointment that can be infringed upon by no activity. That’s because sharing a meal and the experiences of our day can be a tremendous time for bonding. Children feel heard and loved, parents catch up on their kid’s lives and pick up clues as to how their children really are doing, and the family grows closer.
As I anxiously await Felicity’s birth, I’ve come to recognize that my schedule will indeed be changing. My time spent writing and designing is going to decrease significantly, and so I’ve begun to order my days differently. I’m putting a greater focus on the chores that I’ve willingly picked up, such as the cooking and cleaning. I’m starting to take real responsibility for our family’s menu and as a part of that effort, I want to make dinner something for us to really look forward to.
I think that the respite that meals offer us is really overlooked. We spend our days running around and we value those moments of stillness. Dinner offers us that break and adds in an extra element. We recharge physically and emotionally around the dinner table. Food is necessary, but so is rest.
Dinner is one meal, in particular, that offers us a huge opportunity that should not be missed. It’s an opportunity to connect, to share, to bond, to grow, to serve, and to love. Mark it on your calendar, plan for a delicious meal, and take advantage of the dinner opportunity.
If It’s Broken, Fix It
If you take a careful look at the mass produced products on the market today, you’ll note just how disposable our culture has become. Cars are safer, but feature more plastic. Furniture is rarely made with hard woods, but instead with pressed wood. Homes more and more are built using cheap materials that don’t stand the test of time. Even when it comes to relationships, people have become commoditized. When something breaks, we think replacement and not repair, oftentimes to the detriment of our budget.
I’m not too mechanically inclined, but I do enjoy making small repairs on our cars. My goal is to make our vehicles last as long as possible and, often, they will with the right care. I regularly wash them, keep the interior clean, and will replace or upgrade parts on the car. In fact, almost all of your car’s annoyances can be fixed in your driveway. It’s a fun hobby and I enjoy learning. The payoff is even greater. Cars that, despite their age, look great and last and the total cost of repairs over a given period is generally less than replacing the vehicle.
Self-help auto repairs are even easier these days thanks to the internet. Having a problem with your car? Type your description with the year and model into Google and you’ll find the answer. Wondering how to make the repair? Head on over to YouTube and watch someone else do it and follow along. Certainly there are some repairs that are best left to the mechanic, but as my grandfather used to say, if you can pay someone to do, you can do it.
The most important thing when it comes to car ownership is making sure you have a solid foundation. Squeaky belts and whining blower fans can be replaced. As long as your engine runs and the interior is in good shape, you can have a car that will go the distance for you and your family.
Dad Life
Lately I’ve developed a bit of an addiction to car care. I want our cars to last, so I try to wash them weekly and keep them clean. I’ve always been on the meticulous side when it comes to the cleanliness of our cars, but these days I’ve also taken an interest in making improvements. I’ve upgraded the rearview mirror, the interior lights, and the radio on the van in recent weeks. While working on these projects, it occurred to me that I’m now the dad and these are the things that I do. Several times I’ve been in a bind while making a repair, but with no one to back me up, I just had to troubleshoot my way through the problem and make it work. During these times, I realized that it’s actually fun to be the dad.
There are plenty of things that dads do. We take care of the cars, manicure the lawn, spray for bugs, and make other repairs around the house. I have a growing tool box, work shorts, a work shirt, a work hat, and soon will have work gloves. I now complete the picture of a dad doing chores around the house. I notice what needs attention, I make a list, and in rapid succession I check off the items on that list.
While I still find it hard to believe that I’m actually the dad now, I find this life very satisfying. Caring for our home and property is a way that I can show my love for my family. A good looking car and a good looking lawn sends a positive message to the world and my family gets to be a part of that message. A clean home gives us space to move and the opportunity to not feel trapped in our own home. With everything in working order, we can go about our days without being impeded by dysfunction.
There are innumerable ways that we can show our love to our family. Yet, few ways are more impactful than for children to see dad on a weekend in his “work clothes,” hustling around the house making repairs, improvements, and maintaining the house that we all call home.
We’re Too Comfortable
When it comes to fallen away Catholics, especially those who had a negative experience of the Church many years ago, it seems that each person has a singular event that pushed them over the edge. More likely than not, it was a harsh encounter with a religious. A nun yelling at them or a particularly brutal confessor, the trauma that resulted sadly caused them to leave their home. Like a young runaway, they found themselves in a strange place, cold, alone, and hurting. I think that so much of that hurt comes from an experience that didn’t reconcile with their vision of the Church. The Church, and Christians in general, are supposed to be loving, kind, and gentle people, while being compassionately firm when correcting one another. Those in the religious life are supposed to epitomize those characteristics. So when anyone has a difficult encounter with a religious, one can understandably question the entire system.
I think that it’s a valid reaction to be shocked and hurt when experiencing a blistering confessor. When I go to Confession, I’m in a pretty vulnerable place. I acknowledge where I’ve gone wrong and am frustrated and sad that I’ve made poor choices that were entirely, if not easily, avoidable. I want the carrot, not the stick. I want to be reminded of the ultimate reward for a life well lived, not a beating for the mistakes that I’ve made. A positive reinforcement with some helpful suggestions always carries me further than an indignant response from my confessor. We all feel this way.
These emotions of the penitent is what makes it so important for priests to really focus on their skills as a confessor. This is truly the moment that can make or break faith. The penitent takes a risk, naming their sins and seeking forgiveness. If all goes well, they may reform and make it to the finish line. If the experience is a scarring one, those wounds may cost the game.
While we need tender care in the confessional, there are also times when we need to be called out. Sin takes root and thrives when we’re comfortable. In fact, I might even make the argument that we’re too comfortable. From time to time we really need a reality check in the confessional, but one that comes from solid counseling, not firm admonishment. I think back to the Gospel of Matthew when Jesus tells Peter, “Get behind me Satan.” Had Jesus left it at that, Peter’s hurt very well may have caused him to, like the rich young man, go away sad. Although it’s not written, I like to think that Jesus pulled Peter aside and then offered kind words and encouragement. This is the model of Confession that I think we can get behind. Clear boundaries are drawn, then we’re built back up and sent on our mission.
It’s terribly sad when people feel excluded from the life-giving mission of the Church. While we all have, and will, experience very difficult encounters with religious, faithful, and our fellow Catholics, it’s important to analyze our own emotions and motivations. Perhaps we’re all just living a little too comfortable and could use more accountability in our lives. How we respond in these situations could make or break us. Choose to accept the situation in humility and let nothing prevent you from actively participating in the life of the Church.