Catholic Husband

Our culture is sick. How far we have fallen from the America that De Tocqueville documented in his journeys. In many ways, I believe that the way that we live our daily lives has contributed to the toxic nature of our society. This is about more than just an election or any one candidate. This is about who we have fundamentally become, and the ominous implications that it entails.

When you look at the average American, you’ll see several disturbing trends. I admit that I see many of them in myself. We are completely consumed by media. The [average American watches five hours and four minutes of television] per day.(NYT Link) Alison and I have struggled to find content that we can watch with Benedict in the room, often defaulting to Food Network or HGTV. Why? The news networks are 24 hours of doom and gloom, reality TV is beyond fake and full of made up drama, and practically every other show is stuffed with vulgar language and content. We have collectively demanded that our content be explicit. We’ve told the networks and content creators that if people aren’t fighting, having sex, or cursing, we won’t watch.

Consider how many R rated movies are released each year compared to G and PG. If you’d like a G or PG movie, expect it to be animated or directly solely at kids. “Top Gun,” one of the most celebrated films in our time, released in 1986 is rated PG. Good movies can be produced, enjoyed, and celebrated without being explicit.

So when this is the state of our media, it’s unsurprising that we just went through an election cycle devoid of the issues. In the past decade or two, we’ve started to mirror the cult of personalities that many repressed nations show. We focus on the person, not the platform. Both candidates this year understood that the American public wants to see people tear each other apart, and both obliged.

Now that the election is over, I believe that mending fences and healing our culture is best done on a micro-level. My brother and I often fought growing up, and I remember very clearly at one point my father telling us, “If we can’t have peace at home, how can we expect to have it in the world?” If we can’t have peace in our world, we can have it in our nation. If we can’t have peace in our nation, we can in our community. If we can’t have peace in our community, we can have it on our street. If we can’t have peace on our street, we can have it in our home. If we can’t have peace in our home, we can’t have peace.

Mending fences is a delicate, but worthwhile task. Reject the urge to spike the ball or drift towards hyperbole. Be gracious, be gentile, and be kind.

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/01/business/media/nielsen-survey-media-viewing.html?_r=0

One of my favorite activities is to pick an area of life where I need improvement and to work hard to make a change. I can only focus on one thing at a time, and that focus is what drives results. I’ve made big changes and little changes using this approach. One of my great regrets of the past six years is my lack of new meaningful friendships. I have friends from college that I connect with, but I haven’t built many new friendships. It’s an area of my life that I’m working to improve. Before I can make great friends, I need to be a great friend.

I think that there are two reasons why I haven’t made many friends since college. First, as a military kid, I have seldom had lasting friendships. I grew up just before the Internet enabled people to keep in touch across a great distance. Growing up in this setting made me self-sufficient. The second reason is that I just didn’t have the time. My job had me working at all hours, and Alison’s studies ate up the rest. This lack of long-term friendships has caused my interpersonal skills to become a bit rusty. 

If you’re getting the idea that the last few years have been sad, I’m sorry to give you the wrong impression. I am satisfied with my social life. I just know that I can go so much deeper. I’m looking forward to doing just that when we move to Texas next summer and plant some roots.

Forging analog relationships in a digital world is a challenge. We’ve collectively allowed the Facebook friendship long ago supplanted the “IRL” (in real life) friendship. But Facebook emphasizes quantity rather than quality. Human relationships are about quality, and an overabundance can dilute connection. Friendships are more like concentric circles. As you pass through each circle, the connection is less strong. 

I need to be better communicators in a digital world. I need to let my digital connectivity serve as an aid to my friendships. I’m eager to start this next chapter of my life, but I’m even more excited to meet and learn from a whole new crop of interesting people.

I spent four years in the workforce after college. The environment was challenging, but it was a nonprofit, so people were kind about it. There was a constant tension over work hours. The more experienced employees came up through the company at a time where results came at any cost. My peers and I were more interested in having a work/life balance. This difference of opinion centered on one critical element: the role of rest. To them, we were lazy. To us, they were unreasonable.

These last few months have been challenging for me. Alison’s schedule demands have increased, as have the demands on my time. Caring for the kids now takes up the majority of my day leaving me just three hours for my mountain of work. All last month, I struggled to get back on “schedule,” never quite finding success. It wasn’t until I realized that I had forgotten to rest that I understood why. My brain can handle lots of work, but it also needs time to recharge. By always working, I neglected to give myself the rest that I needed. I called a truce and took October off. It was rejuvenating.

Rest is something that I’ve written about many times. I’ve shared my views on [the differences between rest and idleness.] (LINK 1). I shared my belief that [discipline can help you maintain your schedule.] (LINK 2) I’ve even shared [how I made a practice of not working on Sundays.] (LINK 3) For all this advice to be helpful,  have to be diligent about maintaining these habits.

I know the temptation is there to slack off, it’s one that I grapple with almost daily. I have a little pity party and then waste away two solid hours that I could’ve utilized much better. I discovered that there’s a real difference between spontaneous breaks and rest. Spontaneous breaks are those mornings when you have a rough start, so you do nothing all day. The problem with this type of unscheduled pass is that there was no planning. You made no provisions for the work that was due, so it piles up.

Rest, real rest, is both planned for and takes place over several days. When you plan your vacations, you can ensure that there’s nothing outstanding. You can check out and not worry about the work piling up while you recharge your batteries. I think that one day a week is enough to propel you through the next week. 

Besides scheduled rest, there are periods of rest that happen during your day. To you and me, they might look like the hour(s?) we spend on the couch, but there are better ways to plan those “off-times.” [Shawn Blanc shares how he plans out his work focus and rest focus each morning] (LINK 4) so that he knows what to do in the downtime to continue making forward progress. 

It may not surprise you that the United States is the most depressed country in the world. This epidemic is affecting almost 10% of all Americans. According to Dr. Matthew Sleeth, the problem is that we’re not finding time to rest. Dr. Sleeth is a former emergency room physician who did extensive [research on the connection between rest and the adverse effects it has on our health.] (LINK 5) His research is disconcerting, to say the least.

There’s good news here. You have the ability to take back control of your schedule. Put your to-do list into a trusted system (I use the [Things app](LINK 6) and plan your days so that you have one day off each week. Plan your vacations in advance and turn off your work while you’re out of the office. Exercise a bit more, eat a little healthier, and watch your outlook improve.

Life has a way of coming full circle. Just five years ago, when I was young, free, and single, I was obsessed with technology. My phone had over 100 apps in the early days of the App Store and I was constantly looking for life hacks. I had this impetus to be more productive by using only the best tools. Like my conversion to Jazz (and now Classical) music, I blew up over the weekend and deleted almost every app from my phone. Why did I feel this need to be free? It all started with a song.

I’ve been a solid Relient K fan since 2007. I love their tongue-in-cheek lyrics and the great messages that they convey through their lyrics. In fact, I always buy the CD whenever they release a new album. After subscribing to Apple Music a few months back, I went through and added their entire catalogue to my library. They released an EP earlier this year called “Look On Up.” The song is about how we live our lives through pictures and filters when we should really just be experiencing our lives. It’s a profound piece of art.

My life has been crazy these past three months as I’ve adjusted to caring for a toddler and an infant. Just Friday I sent an email to my subscribers about how overwhelmed I felt and how I was giving myself the grace to take a day and get everything reset. (I did, by the way, and it was amazing!) As a part of that reset, I took a look at my commitments and my technology, and I started quitting.

I have a number of websites that I maintain that I’m no longer going to work on. I also sat down with my devices and deleted nearly all of my apps. My passion for the latest and greatest app has subsided to being content with many of the Apple stock apps. My phone no longer has Twitter or Instagram, so there’s no longer an impulsion to graze. Instead, I’m going to be in the moment with my family.

I made one other change. I wake up at 5:30am to help better manage my migraines. It’s quiet and still that early in the morning and I relish those precious minutes. When I start my day with prayer, everything just goes better. I cut more work time and gave myself that first hour of the day, a tithe if you will, to be free to pray. I put on a soundscape (I’ve been using the Calm app), pull out my latest edition of the Magnificat and just enjoy the peace and coffee.

Our brains were not designed to be always on and our lives are meant to be lived, not archived. Clear out the clutter, focus on today, and live a day that’s worth remembering.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” (Matthew 6:25)

There’s no renewal without conversion. There’s no mercy without justice. There’s no resurrection without the Cross. These axioms define what it means to be a Christian. Our lives must be in a constant state of renewal as we conform ourselves to Christ.

Pamela Anderson is widely regarded as one of the great sex symbols of the 1990s. This dehumanizing title, though intended to be a compliment, is repugnant. Labelling Pam as a sex symbol supplants the mystique of her femininity with something other than, less than. She’s back in the news after penning an op-ed piece about the dangers of pornography. The Internet reacted predictably and unkindly.

One pornographer even responded by asserting, “I believe that my movies, that couples have watched, have saved more marriages than all the marriage counselors combined.”

Most of the comments were inane, but the running theme was hypocrisy. Why should the public trust a woman who was a staple in Playboy magazine?

Porn is the new cigarette. Like cigarettes, I think we’re getting ready to collectively realize just how harmful it really is. The anonymity of Internet pornography targets a group of the population that would never be caught dead in a porn shop or the “adult” section of the bookstore. It’s a temptation that ordinary people wouldn’t struggle with were it not for the easy access. The Internet has opened up porn to a whole new market segment and it’s ripping our homes apart.

While the impact of porn is heartbreaking, it’s also brought into focus a beautiful side of humanity. Websites like Fight the New Drug seek to counter the porn propaganda and educate young people about the sickening realities of porn. Anti-porn apologists like the great Matt Fraddnow drop wisdom on the Internet. One of his recent tweets was especially impactful: “Love says, “this is my body given up for you.” Porn says, “this is your body taken by me.” Reject fake.” TIME magazine ran a cover story on the dangers of porn and the government of Utah declared porn a public health crisis.

Many chose to condemn Pam, but in her witness, I see a very familiar character. Before Saul was Paul, he was a devastatingly effective enforcer. Saul was so unwavering in his persecutions, that Acts 8:3 tells us that he “was trying to destroy the church.” Along the road to Damascus, Saul had his great conversion, became Paul, and began to follow the Way.

Understandably, the Christians were dubious. But Paul began to publicly preach about Jesus in the synagogues in Damascus. This led the Jews to ask themselves, “Is not this the man who in Jerusalem ravaged those who call upon this name, and came here expressly to take them back in chains to the chief priests?” (Acts 9:21). The Jews were so upset at Paul’s conversion that they plotted to kill him (Acts 9:23).

We know that Paul’s conversion was sincere, and the significance of his story lends credibility to his witness. Here’s a man who hated the church, converted, and is now the most prolific writer of his era. Paul’s letters fill the New Testament with rich theology and practical wisdom. He paid a great price for his conversion, executed as a martyr in Rome.

The fact that Pamela Anderson is willing to publicly denounce the culture that made her famous, I think, lends credibility to her testimony. Many doubt her authenticity, but I’m reminded of the truths that I’ve come to know about the Christian life. There’s no renewal without conversion, no mercy without justice, and no resurrection without the Cross. Porn is destroying our families, and if one more voice crying out in the wilderness is what it takes to end this scourge, I’m all ears.