A Successful Day
Defining success is elusive. In fact, it’s one of the more personal determinations that we make. We’ve had some great examples of success with the recent Winter Olympic games. It’s easy to conclude that the gold medal is the only one worth having, but how good must bronze feel after a decade of sacrifice, training, and hard work?
One of the areas in which I struggle is achieving my idea of a successful day. I have a laundry list of repeating to-dos that include running the dishwasher, picking up toys, and making my bed. These are the simple tasks that must be done daily. Some days even the basics seem overwhelming. Of course, on top of those basic tasks are errands and special projects.
It’s easy for me to give up on the day when I get off to a rough start. Sometimes I peter out around lunch time when that midday lull temps me with a nap. Even harder is confronting the reality that most days are ordinary and each one feels very similar to the day before. There’s monotony that’s inherent in routine, but there’s also something deeper.
Today may feel a lot like yesterday, but it’s truly a whole new day. It’s ready to be crafted and formed; molded into the things that I need to accomplish. Each day presents me with a clean slate to do what it is that I need to do.
Keeping the house in order, feeding my family, watching over the kids, and helping them to explore their world are the things that I need to do every day. During nap time, I’ve committed to taking on projects like Catholic Husband. Writing is a chance for me to process and to grow personally. It’s only when I do the basics that I’m free to tackle the extracurricular.
The responsibility of raising children and caring for them daily is both wonderful and, at many times, unexciting. Grouchy attitudes quickly wear me down. In the moment, the importance of my role can be hard to recognize. It’s my hope that by persevering through these seemingly insignificant days, my children grow up confident from a childhood rooted in love.
21 Years
I just celebrated the 21st anniversary of my First Reconciliation.
Confession is the gym of Catholic Sacraments. We rarely go, too sheepish to confront the reality of who we are. It’s difficult, embarrassing, and humbling. Of course, there’s the problem of a lack of confession times. When we do muster up the courage to go, we wait for 45 minutes at the back of an endless line of little old ladies who apparently just finished up a serious crime spree.
It’s easy to get lost in the mechanics surrounding Confession. The inconvenience, poor scheduling, and the natural resistance to verbally admit our own shortcomings all adds up to many of us going years between the Sacrament.
There is, however, something very human about the process of the sacrament. Summoning the courage to name your sins is cathartic. We can go into the Confessional without any pretense. The absolute seal of privacy gives us the ability to speak freely. You can expose your weaknesses in the hope of overcoming them. The priest, hopefully, will share not just a word of encouragement, but a thought that will propel you into your new, sinless future. When you consider all of those factors, it becomes clear that Confession is one of our most powerful tools in the spiritual life.
As I reflect on my personal growth over the past 21 years, I realize that there is no way that I would be part of the Catholic community without this vital Sacrament. The Eucharist is central to the Catholic experience. Reconciliation is critical to helping us prepare to receive Jesus in that awesome sacrament.
We’re required to go to Reconciliation once a year, usually during Lent. Do more than the minimum this year.
Resilience
As a parent, I have a ton of things that I want to teach my children. I want to give them the skills and values that I believe will help them grow into healthy, well adjusted members of society. Resilience is one of those skills.
I grew up in a military family, so this was one of the skills that my parents gave to me. Those difficult cross-country moves as a child, and forging new ties in new cities, have made me adept at handling new situations on the fly. The nature of life is change, and being able to handle those changes nimbly without becoming paralyzed by fear is a great life skill to have in your toolset.
There is, however, one area where my resilience is lacking. I’m slavish when it comes to productivity. I have a rough sketch of my day and want things to go exactly according to plan. When I mess up my plan in some small way, I get knocked completely off-track.
I’m a morning person. My goal is to get up at 5am, and be done working out and showering before the kids are up at 7:30am. Most days I’m successful, and a few others, I’m not.
The frustrating thing is that I automatically declare the day a failure if I sleep in until 6:30am or 7:00am. Sure, it’s harder for me to get my workouts in if I miss my designated workout time, but how can the day be a failure when it has only just begun?
Being flexible enough to reorganize my schedule on the fly is something that I need to work on. Oversleeping isn’t great, but it can be managed by rearranging my schedule. I can workout with my kids by going for a walk, or sneaking off to the gym once they’re tucked into bed.
The same can be said about the spiritual life. How many times have you resolved to quit a particular sin, only to fall back into it? Any failure can be managed, and its an opportunity to grow in humility. Instead of continuing to give in to sin simply because the flood walls have been breached, start anew.
Resilience is a crucial life skill to have. Master the art first, and then give it as a gift to your children.
I Choose Superhero
Our cities and neighborhoods produce the finest political thinkers, artists, innovators, and pioneers on the planet. Our forefathers pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps and overcame every obstacle. We have fought for freedom, moved beyond adversity, and created the greatest geopolitical force for good in the history of the world.
So why are we all clamoring to be victims? Why do we seek out sympathy and pity? Why is the first thing we give an excuse and the last thing that we give is a complement?
Being the victim is the easiest thing in the world. It explains all of our faults, vice, and laziness.
I’d rather be a superhero. I want to be a success despite my challenges, not because of them. I want to blast through every obstacle leaving nothing behind me. I have to show up every single day.
Winning is reserved for those who persevere. Do the work.
August Ames
Until late last year, I didn’t know August Ames. One day in early December, I was checking in on the treading topics, and clicked her name. She was a porn star who met her untimely demise at the age of 23. Cause of death: suicide by asphyxiation.
In the days leading up to her death, August had stirred up controversy on the Internet for allegedly refusing to film pornography with an individual who had previously done homosexual pornography. The hate and anger that was directed at her was intense. She had been diagnosed with bipolar depression and multiple personality disorder. News reports indicate that she disclosed sexual abuse by her grandfather while she was a minor. Her mother was also bipolar. She spent time in a group home before her teenage years and shared that she had a terrible relationship with her father.
If you’ve read any of the personal stories of those who have participated on-camera in the pornography industry, August’s story doesn’t really stand out. She fits the profile.
It is well documented that the pornography industry preys on a certain demographic for talent. The average female porn star is young, with a strong history of depression and substance use disorder. In many cases, she was the victim of sexual abuse as a minor. These women are vulnerable, and are lured with the promises of easy money and fame. Their life is anything but easy.
And if they don’t fit the profile when the go into the industry, they will by time it spits them out.
August, her real name being Mercedes, was in the pornography industry for four years. During that time, roughly from age 19 until her death last year, she amassed credits in upwards of 290 scenes/films. Running the numbers, that means videos of her were released, on average, every five days for the past four years. Data from PornHub, one of the most ubiquitous free pornography sites on the web, says that her videos were viewed a mind-blowing 415 million times, or 1.43 million times per video.
After news of her death broke, a major pornography studio, Brazzers, announced that they were delaying the release of Mercedes’ latest scene until a “more appropriate time.” That’s right, they’re releasing a pornography video exploiting a deceased person.
Since news of August’s death broke, there has been a steady drip of new deaths. Most, if not all, have been confirmed as suicides. While the banner headlines proclaim that the porn industry is at a loss as to what’s causing these deaths, there’s nothing mysterious about it.
We’ve been lying to ourselves for a long time, America. We’ve been telling ourselves that porn is victimless, that everyone is a willing participant, that it’s free speech and that free porn really costs nothing.
I have trouble reconciling the degree of free consent a person can give to having their sexual encounters recorded and distributed 290 times, with countless partners. I have trouble reconciling how a commercial company can reasonably obtain consent from a person who could be put into receivership. I have trouble reconciling how someone can consent to having their videos watched, shared, and sold after their death. I have trouble reconciling the fury in recent weeks over the sexual misdeeds of celebrities and politicians and no one has said a damn thing about the single greatest driver in the dehumanization of sexuality.
Mercedes’ death is a tragedy. How many more of these broken people end their lives in anonymity?
Pornography is an affront to the dignity of the human person and civilized society.
There is zero place for pornography in a society that in any legitimate and meaningful way seeks to appreciate, respect, and empower women.
Until we’re willing to come to grips with the absolute damage that the pornography industry does to it’s participants, consumers and society at large, we will never stop this daily march of Harvey Weinsteins. We will never stop reading about teachers sexually assaulting their students. We will never stop. It will never stop.
Sex is a loving act between spouses who surrender themselves totally through self-donation.
Pornography kills.
Living in A Fantasy
I love reading the paper. I’ve written about that fact several times on this blog. Perhaps my favorite part of reading the paper is reading the in-depth reporting. Each day there are long-form articles that have been worked on extensively over a prolonged period of time. These exposés are journalism at its finest. Since October, we’ve collectively been discussing sexual harassment and assault due to this type of reporting.
The daily flow of allegations is grotesque. They’re not really all that shocking, especially in our desensitized culture. The fact is, we’ve been living in a fantasy and now just might be the time for us to start waking up.
The fantasy that has consumed us for the past 40 years is that sex has nothing to do with marriage. Birth control, the sexual revolution, garbage media, and pervasive pornography has poisoned the well. Only now are we seeing the long-term effects of this sexual binge.
We start by failing to give our children the personalized sexual education that they need. Our daughters are put on hormonal contraceptives and taught that they should use sex as power. Our sons have easy access to condoms and are taught that they should do what feels good. The Internet filters that we have are ineffective, and even places like Twitter and Instagram are filled with pornographic material. And we haven’t even made it out of high school. Add in the freedom of adulthood, and things get wild.
The thing is, the responses that we’re getting to this culture do nothing to seriously address the underlying problems. It’s like a physician telling a morbidly obese patient to exercise more. The problem isn’t the weight, it’s the depression, the broken home, and long-term unemployment. We can’t treat the symptom and hope to change the equation.
We have a society of chaos. There’s little regard for human life, no compassion, no empathy. We can’t even agree on the number of genders. The net result is that we’re hurting ourselves and darkening our souls. It’s this chaos that leads to a fantasy world where giving our daughters contraceptives is the noble and responsible choice, and men should act out whenever they choose, because they can’t help themselves.
There is such a thing as safe sex. It happens within the context of marriage for the purposes of unity and procreation. It’s the type of sex that actually has a concrete connection with love. It’s an act of supreme humility, instead of a power struggle. It’s trusting dependance. All of this context is present, even when it feels so ordinary.
If we really want a just society in which men and women are treated as equals, we need to separate sex and power. We need to put sex back into the context of the marital bond. We need to teach our daughters and sons about the truth of their sexuality, and why it should be cherished and celebrated. We need to teach our daughters that their reproductive system isn’t disordered, that their fertility is a gift. We need to teach our children about the true corrosive nature of pornography. We need to empower our sons and our daughters to love people and not use them as objects. We need to love our children enough to give them the tools and knowledge that they need to be fully alive.
If we do that, across an entire generation, maybe we can give them that utopia that we dream of.
In Memoriam
My niece, Maddux Rose, passed away yesterday. She was born in December with a genetic disorder.
I ask for your prayers for her parents and sisters.
In Memoriam Fidelium Defunctorum
Maddux Rose
Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. May her soul, and the souls of all of the faithful departed, rest in peace.
Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Mt 12:19
Integrating the Bible in Your Life
I want to share something with you that made an outsized impact on my life last year. For me, 2017 was full of change and new circumstances. In the midst of all of that instability, I noticed that I placing my hope for happiness in the wrong places.
Self-awareness is a beautiful thing, but at first blush, it’s a challenging reality to encounter. I didn’t believe that I was looking for happiness in the wrong places, but alas, I was.
Sometime in late Summer, Alison and I had reached the point that we had been planning for our entire marriage. The table was set just how we had planned, but I still felt something was missing.
As I shaped my new daily routine, I downloaded the YouVersion app, everything changed.
YouVersion is a free Bible app. It has hundreds of translations, including a Catholic translation, the New American Bible Revised Edition (NABRE).
Naturally, YouVersion has the entire Bible, right there in the app, but the way in which it makes Scripture accessible is a game changer.
There is a verse of the day. A short passage that I read in the morning, and carry with me throughout the day. I like that feature. In fact, you can even set up a notification so that YouVersion can push you the verse of the day.
But there’s another aspect of the app that truly revolutionized both my prayer life and my personal life.
YouVersion has thousands of reading plans. These plans are crafted around a theme, which could be a holiday, emotion, circumstance, or even just a word. Each day, and the plans can last from a few days to a few weeks, has a devotional. The devotional is then paired with passages from the Bible that relate to the day’s theme in the reading plan.
The combination of the daily verse and the reading plans exposed me to the personal power and impact of Scripture. The Bible was no longer a book or passages that I hear at Mass on Sunday. Now, it’s specifically applicable to my life. I can complete a reading plan about finding happiness, for example, and hear what God wants to tell me about that topic.
I took this opening up of Scripture to another level by better preparing for Mass on Sunday. I’m using Mark Hart’s Ascend book to study the Readings on Saturday afternoons. Mark does a great job of providing context to the Readings in the form of historical background and other fun facts. I now find myself joyfully getting ready for Mass on Sunday morning.
The most impactful thing that happened to me in 2017 was opening the Bible and letting God speak directly to me through it. Let it have the same impact on you this year.
A Father’s Gratitude
The life of a stay-at-home dad isn’t easy. It’s much more difficult than I imagined it would be. My days are in constant motion. I get out of bed at 5 am, because if I don’t have time for myself before 7 am, I won’t see another moment until after 7 pm.
I have two small children, with a third on her way. I know that this schedule that I have cobbled together rests on shifting sands. Development curves and daily emotions threaten the delicate balance. The stability of my former life is a distant memory.
I take opportunities during the day to remove myself from the moment. I see the joy that my children bring to me, and the awesome experience of watching them grow. I know that they won’t be small for long, and soon enough they’ll be less excited to play with me. It makes me appreciate the days we share together.
The best weapon I have in my daily deluge is gratitude. My children bring tremendous good into the world. When I recognize the beauty and value of my children, I can’t help but smile.
Big Finishes Don’t Require Big Starts
I used to think that the running story line in Forrest Gump was absurd. One day Forrest starts running. He runs to the end of his driveway, city limits, county line, state line, and eventually to the coast. Then he does it again. No plan, no idea, just a singular goal. December 18th, 2016 changed that for me.
December 18th was the first day of my current exercise streak. Every day since December 18th, I’ve exercised and closed my Apple Watch Activity Rings. It hasn’t been easy. There’s been heavy rain, freezing cold, tight schedules, and days where I felt crummy.
This is, by far, the longest health streak that I’ve kept. Not the first that I’ve attempted, but my most successful. I think it’s because I didn’t over think it. I didn’t develop a detailed plan rife with opportunities to fail. I just did the work. Did I close my rings today, yes or no? Now to translate that simple strategy into other areas of my life.