The Gluttony of Surfing
I remember a time two decades ago when the Internet was a fun place to be. It was new, exciting, and you could spend hours getting lost in new and interesting content.
The Internet today is mean, ugly, and mostly boring. When I think about the sites that I visit on a regular basis, there are only about three. Three sites in a network of billions. That’s pathetic.
When I do pick up my phone, my time surfing is a wasted. I look for updates and new articles on mainstream news websites or I refresh YouTube for a continuous serving of suggested videos that are of zero interest to me.
I’m starting to see mindlessly surfing the Internet as a form of gluttony. It’s a spiritual sickness that I sink so much time into something that gives me almost no enjoyment. I rarely set down my phone and marvel at the new knowledge that I have gleaned. Instead, like re-watching a TV show for the fifth time, I walk away empty.
Time is a wonderful thing, and how I invest it directly impacts the trajectory of my life. If I can teach myself to stop surfing and to spend that time in other ways, I’ll be much better for it.
Taking Care of Yourself
Over the past nine months or so, I’ve really let my personal care slide. I’m normally really good about my oral hygiene, but there have been days when I didn’t brush at all. There have been many days when I haven’t showered. I haven’t been exercising regularly and I take almost no time to get dressed and ready for the day.
Twelve hours of children is exhausting. I have a false belief that I’m the only one who’s tired, when in reality, all parents of small children are tired. I’m awake for about 16 hours a day, but if 12 of those are dedicated to household tasks and care for the children, that doesn’t leave much time for me.
The funny thing is that I have a mythic status with my children. They don’t perceive me as having hopes, dreams, and needs. Instead, I’m the provider, there to help with every aspect of their lives. It’s a great position to hold, but I need to make sure that I don’t buy in to the myth.
There’s a great boost to self-esteem and energy that comes from self-care. Being well rested, exercised, cleaned, and dressed gives me a power boost throughout the day. I’m in a markedly better mood and I’m more resilient, giving me an edge when the sixth fight of the day breaks out.
When schedules are tight and demands are hight, the easiest thing to cut is the time that I need to take care of myself. Ironically, but cutting out much needed self-care, I undercut my ability to take care of my children. It takes discipline and permission to take time for myself each day, but it’s an investment that always returns dividends.
Zero Screens
I have an ambitious goal. In many ways, it may appear opposed to who I am as a person. I consider myself to be well versed in technology. I stay up to date on the latest news, and many of my RSS subscriptions (see what I mean?) are of tech blogs.
Goal: zero minutes of screen time per week for my kids.
Technology is great, but there are a lot of pitfalls, especially for children. Alison and I have a set of ideals and values that we want for our children to learn. I know that my children have tremendous capacity for creativity, which they demonstrate in small ways each day. The problem is that content creators and app developers are sneaking in the front door, and that gives them the opportunity to tell my kids things that I’d rather they not learn.
I have to admit, the onus for this change is on me. When I have a lot to do and need a burst of time to get things done, turning on the television is easy. Benedict loves calling people on his iPad, and even enjoying using the Bible app that’s installed.
For me, it comes down to opportunity cost. What could he be doing that’s expanding his horizons and broadening his mind instead of being closed off, focused on a screen? How could we deepen our relationship if we spent every minute working and playing, instead of periods of time apart?
It’s a big goal, a huge goal, and one that I think is worth pursuing. I’m going to take it one step at a time, and though it will be a challenge, I know the payoff will be worth the effort.
Economics of Staying Home
There’s nothing wrong about a family in which both parents work outside of the home. Each family’s situation is different, and the choice about whether to have one parent stay at home with the children is a personal, family decision that should be made after considering all factors. While it’s true that a single income family may have lower wages flowing into their joint accounts each month, that doesn’t make them less economically efficient.
A parent who takes full-time responsibility for the care of the children shouldn’t be considered a “non-contributor” simply because there’s no biweekly direct deposit. Indeed, as I will outline below, this parent contributes a vast range of personalized services that few families could ever hope to afford. Trying to equate the contributions of this parent to potential wages misses the point.
Among my many responsibilities, it can be easy to forget that I have one primary role, and that is to take care of the kids. Beyond that, I’m an administrative assistant, personal shopper, private chef, chauffeur, tutor, car detailer, housekeeper, and groundskeeper.
It’s a full plate that keeps me moving from when I wake up until I go to sleep. With few exceptions, my goal is to free up Alison to be focused on work when she’s at work, and focused on the kids while she’s at home.
As with any job, there are very real challenges. There are some days that I don’t want to work, and others when my coworkers (kids) annoy me. The truth of the matter, is I’ve never worked harder in my life, and I doubt that, when this season of life is over, I will ever work this hard again.
Integrity in Productivity
My days are pretty full; that’s by design. I have my primary job, which is taking care of the kids. Layered on top of that job is my responsibility for maintaining our home, which includes getting supplies, indoor cleaning, and outdoor maintenance. I then layer on my own priorities, which include taking care of my health and writing. When I lay each of these pieces out on my schedule, my calendar groans a little bit.
I enjoyed having Alison home on maternity leave. The kids liked seeing a lot more of her, and we were able to spend quality time together. I used that time to work on some big projects. Knowing that she was home and able to watch the kids freed up a little bit of additional time each day.
With Lucy’s arrival this spring, I set out to get caught up on things that I was chronically behind in. I knew that with a baby in the house, and three kids total, I would have even less time to work on my writing once Alison was back to work. So, I set an aggressive editorial schedule to put me about two months ahead on my publishing. I also knew that when Alison went back to work, she’d be very tired and asking her to edit and review blog posts could be difficult.
The other project that I worked on was tinkering with my productivity. I had purchased a few courses a while back, but hadn’t found the time to sit down and go through them. I learned more about my writing system, and took a very deep dive into my task management program.
The best thing that I learned in doing all of this work was the importance of personal integrity. If I commit to waking up early, and getting my work done before the sun rises, I was mentally free during the day to goof off with the kids. I didn’t feel anxious or feel like I was wasting time. There’s a defined time for work and a defined time for play.
It’s easy to see schedules as restricting, but I now understand how helpful they can be. It doesn’t make getting out of bed in the morning any easier, but it does give me the vision that helps me get to work, knowing I can then play with my kids without distraction.
Comprehensive Sexual Education
Parents have to do many uncomfortable things, not least of which is provide their children with a sexual education. This is what it means to be a parent, to shepherd the hearts of their children and raise them in truth. Moms and dads are irreplaceable, and they must be people of courage and integrity. I think that parents yield too much of their responsibility to schools.
Schools were set up to assist parents in the education of their children. By providing subject matter experts and a safe environment, children could receive a quality education while parents went out into the marketplace to generate income and secure the family’s economic future. This is an excellent ideal and an equitable relationship. The problem is when the schools have to do too much parenting.
Take, for example, the sexual education of children. Teaching one’s children about their sexuality is a primary job for parents. This complex subject intersects with a child’s intellectual, physical, and emotional growth.
Children deserve a personalized, comprehensive sexual education that is age-appropriate and continual throughout their development. A one-time talk on the birds and the bees is grossly insufficient. From a very young age, children should be taught about love, and how new life is brought into the world. As they mature, they should be taught about the clinical functions of their reproductive system, its nature, and how it is to be mastered like any other part of their person. They should be taught the rightful place of the sexual act, as well as the consequences of its misuse. The overarching theme should be that of generosity. Human sexuality is ordered towards generosity, the building of bonds between spouses, and the generation of new life. It’s a beautiful and positive aspect of the human person, and it should be celebrated and treated with respect.
Comprehensive sexual education is a dog-whistle in schools for teaching kids about birth control and (the terribly misleading) “safe sex.” The other common type of curriculum is commonly known as “abstinence-only,” which has been proven to be ineffective. Of course, I’d argue that teaching kids about birth control isn’t doing too hot, either.
The real problem isn’t the method, its who’s doing the teaching. Teachers have far less credibility with a student on this subject than a parent does. Taken further, human sexuality needs to be laid on top of a moral and ethical foundation. How can a school be reasonably expected to provide adequate sexual education when there’s no consensus among the students on morality?
A child’s sexuality, and their comfort and confidence with regards to it, has a lasting impact on their choices throughout their life. They will learn about sex. If they don’t learn about it from their parents, then they will from their teacher, their peers, or porn on the Internet. Our children deserve so much more. Parents must have the courage to teach their children the truth of their sexuality and their physicality, and they must do so consistently over the course of their development.
Dear Father
I’m the youngest of three kids. Before I had my first child, I didn’t know anything about kids. I understand that my little ones may be confusing, but there’s something that I want you to know.
In their eyes, you’re a superhero. We talk about you regularly in our home, and always with respect for you and your office. That’s why they’re so excited to see you every Sunday morning. They giggle, wave, and even call out to you during the Mass. Sorry about that, they’re just seeing someone they truly admire.
I know that you want to keep a certain decorum and reverence during the Mass. I want that, too. But it’s ok for you to wave to them as you process in, or shake their little hand on the way out. It’s ok to flash them a smile as you preach your homily. When the come up with me during Communion, they love to receive a special blessing from you.
After Mass, my smaller ones may walk up to you and reach up towards you, asking to be held. Go ahead and pick them up! Shake their little hands, give them a hug, and tell them how happy you are to see them.
I love seeing how my kids so willing to let you know just how special you are to them. They are able to show externally the internal disposition that so many of us hold. You are very important in our lives, bringing us the Sacraments that we need to make it through the day.
I’m sorry if they’re distracting at times, but please, make sure they feel acknowledged. You’re helping my wife and I reinforce deep in their minds that Church is a wonderful place, it’s where they belong, and that our faith is foundational in our lives.
Why Boredom Happens
I was at our Credit Union last week conducting some business when one of the employees remarked that it was her parents’ wedding anniversary. A coworker commented on the happiness of the day, to which she responded, “Not really, they’re divorced.” The scope of divorce in our society is disheartening, and I wonder how many of them could have been prevented.
Nearing our sixth wedding anniversary, I have better insight into a few of the common pitfalls. These stumbling blocks can get a marriage off course. Left unattended long enough, they could plausibly lead to divorce. While I don’t wish to be naive about the complexity of divorce, I think that boredom plays an outsized role. A key source of this boredom relates to routine.
Humans love tangible emotions; we love to feel. When you’re trying to catch a girl’s attention, or in the early stages of the dating relationship, there are a lot of feelings. There’s the experience of new things, the thrill of the chase, and a lot of public displays of affection. Feelings are transient and are a reaction to some event or stimulus. As you move deeper into marriage, the role of feelings diminish and the role of love increases. Love is not a reaction, but a lens. Instead of responding to some thing, love informs all of your decisions and shapes your attitude and actions towards a person. It isn’t a response to something, it’s a proactive function.
We’re creatures of habit, and we settle into a routine. In this routine, we may notice a decrease in the excitement or surprise in our relationship. If we approach marriage with the expectation that the feelings we experienced during courtship will linger, unchanged and sustained without effort we will be sadly disappointed. This set of expectations can lead to trouble, chasing a high that can’t be sustained.
If you find yourself starting to take on this attitude, there are two definite ways to help you see through the fog that’s building in your relationship.
First, examine your expectations. It may be that you’ve never communicated to your spouse what it is you are wanting, or in what ways you don’t feel fulfilled. Being coy is for dating; being clear is for marriage. Share what you are feeling. Keep in mind what you’re asking for may be unrealistic.
Second, think about all of the things your spouse has done in the past week. Love is manifest in many ways, most of which are unassuming. Maybe they put the kids down while you got to watch TV. Maybe they worked all day to clean the house or spent a few hours out in the sun washing and waxing your car. Maybe they went out and brought home dessert, prepared a nice meal, or took the kids to the park so you could have some quiet time at home. Sure, many of those examples may be their actual responsibilities in your family, but they are still loving acts.
There should be surprise, gifts, and excitement in your marriage. Expecting marriage to be a buffet of public displays of affection is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Commit Yourself to A Program
What a privilege it is to live in the Modern era. No matter what goal I set for myself, someone has already achieved it, and their method is readily available to me. I want to lose weight, and there are plenty of plans, devices, videos, apps, and coaches out there to help me implement the proven program.
The difficult part is not trying to fix their plan. I always want to modify and tweak the program, as if to say that I know better than the person who developed the program. I might, but they’re also fit and trim and I’m not. Plus, how much time and energy will I waste finding alternatives?
This desire to tinker and fix is a delay tactic, and it’s very human. Instead of making excuses, commit yourself to the program and do the work. We can plan our lives away without accomplishing anything meaningful. Use your energy to accomplish the steps and hit your goal, instead of trying to figure out 100 better ways of doing it.
Build Your Parish Community
A few years ago, my parents’ parish redesigned their website. I have an interest in these sorts of things, so I complemented my mom one day on its beauty and usability. As it turns out, in a parish full of technologists, they were paying a 3rd party company to build and run their website. My mom expressed dismay that no one had stepped forward to take on that responsibility.
Alison and I love our parish. It’s a small community in mission country, which I think binds us closer together. It’s a parish like any other, with many jobs that need to be done, all requiring a time commitment and volunteer help. We’re all busy and there can be a struggle filling those needs.
Now that we have three small children, but truthfully even when we just had two, there were many volunteer opportunities that we had to decline because of our commitment to raising these children. That’s especially true of liturgical roles. I wouldn’t want Alison to leave me alone in the pew with the kids while she went up to lector.
Web design is one of my skills, and I noticed that our parish website could be doing so much more for our community. So I volunteered to take it on as a project, to convert it to modern standards, and expand it as a tool for our community. It’s a volunteer role, but one that I can easily manage to fit into my schedule.
We each have skills that could benefit our parish community. When we contribute, we all get to enjoy the fruit. Our parishes should be so much more than a physical space where we go to Mass for an hour a week. They should be a hub of our family’s spiritual and social life. By contributing in the ways that we can, we build stronger parishes— places that we will want to gather.