Dear Father
I’m the youngest of three kids. Before I had my first child, I didn’t know anything about kids. I understand that my little ones may be confusing, but there’s something that I want you to know.
In their eyes, you’re a superhero. We talk about you regularly in our home, and always with respect for you and your office. That’s why they’re so excited to see you every Sunday morning. They giggle, wave, and even call out to you during the Mass. Sorry about that, they’re just seeing someone they truly admire.
I know that you want to keep a certain decorum and reverence during the Mass. I want that, too. But it’s ok for you to wave to them as you process in, or shake their little hand on the way out. It’s ok to flash them a smile as you preach your homily. When the come up with me during Communion, they love to receive a special blessing from you.
After Mass, my smaller ones may walk up to you and reach up towards you, asking to be held. Go ahead and pick them up! Shake their little hands, give them a hug, and tell them how happy you are to see them.
I love seeing how my kids so willing to let you know just how special you are to them. They are able to show externally the internal disposition that so many of us hold. You are very important in our lives, bringing us the Sacraments that we need to make it through the day.
I’m sorry if they’re distracting at times, but please, make sure they feel acknowledged. You’re helping my wife and I reinforce deep in their minds that Church is a wonderful place, it’s where they belong, and that our faith is foundational in our lives.
Why Boredom Happens
I was at our Credit Union last week conducting some business when one of the employees remarked that it was her parents’ wedding anniversary. A coworker commented on the happiness of the day, to which she responded, “Not really, they’re divorced.” The scope of divorce in our society is disheartening, and I wonder how many of them could have been prevented.
Nearing our sixth wedding anniversary, I have better insight into a few of the common pitfalls. These stumbling blocks can get a marriage off course. Left unattended long enough, they could plausibly lead to divorce. While I don’t wish to be naive about the complexity of divorce, I think that boredom plays an outsized role. A key source of this boredom relates to routine.
Humans love tangible emotions; we love to feel. When you’re trying to catch a girl’s attention, or in the early stages of the dating relationship, there are a lot of feelings. There’s the experience of new things, the thrill of the chase, and a lot of public displays of affection. Feelings are transient and are a reaction to some event or stimulus. As you move deeper into marriage, the role of feelings diminish and the role of love increases. Love is not a reaction, but a lens. Instead of responding to some thing, love informs all of your decisions and shapes your attitude and actions towards a person. It isn’t a response to something, it’s a proactive function.
We’re creatures of habit, and we settle into a routine. In this routine, we may notice a decrease in the excitement or surprise in our relationship. If we approach marriage with the expectation that the feelings we experienced during courtship will linger, unchanged and sustained without effort we will be sadly disappointed. This set of expectations can lead to trouble, chasing a high that can’t be sustained.
If you find yourself starting to take on this attitude, there are two definite ways to help you see through the fog that’s building in your relationship.
First, examine your expectations. It may be that you’ve never communicated to your spouse what it is you are wanting, or in what ways you don’t feel fulfilled. Being coy is for dating; being clear is for marriage. Share what you are feeling. Keep in mind what you’re asking for may be unrealistic.
Second, think about all of the things your spouse has done in the past week. Love is manifest in many ways, most of which are unassuming. Maybe they put the kids down while you got to watch TV. Maybe they worked all day to clean the house or spent a few hours out in the sun washing and waxing your car. Maybe they went out and brought home dessert, prepared a nice meal, or took the kids to the park so you could have some quiet time at home. Sure, many of those examples may be their actual responsibilities in your family, but they are still loving acts.
There should be surprise, gifts, and excitement in your marriage. Expecting marriage to be a buffet of public displays of affection is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Commit Yourself to A Program
What a privilege it is to live in the Modern era. No matter what goal I set for myself, someone has already achieved it, and their method is readily available to me. I want to lose weight, and there are plenty of plans, devices, videos, apps, and coaches out there to help me implement the proven program.
The difficult part is not trying to fix their plan. I always want to modify and tweak the program, as if to say that I know better than the person who developed the program. I might, but they’re also fit and trim and I’m not. Plus, how much time and energy will I waste finding alternatives?
This desire to tinker and fix is a delay tactic, and it’s very human. Instead of making excuses, commit yourself to the program and do the work. We can plan our lives away without accomplishing anything meaningful. Use your energy to accomplish the steps and hit your goal, instead of trying to figure out 100 better ways of doing it.
Build Your Parish Community
A few years ago, my parents’ parish redesigned their website. I have an interest in these sorts of things, so I complemented my mom one day on its beauty and usability. As it turns out, in a parish full of technologists, they were paying a 3rd party company to build and run their website. My mom expressed dismay that no one had stepped forward to take on that responsibility.
Alison and I love our parish. It’s a small community in mission country, which I think binds us closer together. It’s a parish like any other, with many jobs that need to be done, all requiring a time commitment and volunteer help. We’re all busy and there can be a struggle filling those needs.
Now that we have three small children, but truthfully even when we just had two, there were many volunteer opportunities that we had to decline because of our commitment to raising these children. That’s especially true of liturgical roles. I wouldn’t want Alison to leave me alone in the pew with the kids while she went up to lector.
Web design is one of my skills, and I noticed that our parish website could be doing so much more for our community. So I volunteered to take it on as a project, to convert it to modern standards, and expand it as a tool for our community. It’s a volunteer role, but one that I can easily manage to fit into my schedule.
We each have skills that could benefit our parish community. When we contribute, we all get to enjoy the fruit. Our parishes should be so much more than a physical space where we go to Mass for an hour a week. They should be a hub of our family’s spiritual and social life. By contributing in the ways that we can, we build stronger parishes— places that we will want to gather.
Set the Bar Low
I’m not one to advocate for low bars. I’ve been told that I am particularly hard on people, which, upon reflection, is regrettably true. Setting ambitious expectations can be a net positive, but when it comes to my job, it can be demoralizing.
I don’t thrive on a variable schedule, and so the shifting sands of sleep and nap schedules really throws me off of my game. With all of the things that I want to do, in addition to taking care of my kids, I get frustrated when I don’t see forward progress.
I used to try to cram as much as I could into my schedule, but I realized that was a mistake. With each additional child, and every growth leap that they experience, the time that I have to accomplish what I want to work on is further squeezed. My solution is to set the bar low.
I now just have one thing that I want to work on, and I never make it longer than 30 minutes. If it’s a bigger project, I break it into 30 minute pieces.
By setting the bar low, I can still feel that forward progress and I know that I’m not neglecting my more important priorities.
Quitting Social Media
I remember a time, a decade ago, when the Internet was fun. It was an open, collaborative place where you could find interesting articles and links, follow your friends, find a few laughs, and get a real sense of connection. It’s amazing what the passage of time can do, even a relatively short passage of time. Today, the Internet has become four or five main websites. Those sites are essentially ads, spyware, spam, and garbage.
Late in March, partially due to the unmasking of Facebook, partially due to my declining usage, and mostly because I now have an alternative, I closed my Facebook, Instagram, & Twitter accounts. In the coming days, those profiles will return to dust, the content no longer accessible.
Foolish? Maybe. I fully recognize what I’m giving up. Facebook, in particular, has branched out from a simple way to connect to your friends to a juggernaut of offerings. Groups, messages, businesses, it does it all. But, at what great cost? Will they be able to continue on this scale for another decade? History tells us no. They’re too big to succeed.
If you look at your timeline or newsfeed, and compare it to the personal and interesting updates that used to fill those spaces, you may become despondent. Facebook has become a ghost town for personal updates and a boomtown for multi-level marketing and advertisements.
There’s something very powerful about the concept of a social network. Connecting people across the street, across town, and across the world. Growing up as a military kid, I lost well beyond 99.9% of the friendships every time that we moved. A social network can prevent that loss. The problem comes when these networks have revenue targets to hit and shareholders to please.
I have my alternative. I’ve set up a blog on my own domain name, fully backed up on my computer, and completely portable. If my current host goes out of business, I’ll simply move my content somewhere else. You could do the same with a simple WordPress site. I read news and interesting blogs via an RSS reader, a simple open Internet technology that pulls all of the content into an app. I’m the curator of my own news, pulling in from my favorite sources and companies. I’ve also begun a return to email, sending personal messages to friends and family, at a rate of one per day.
There’s a better Internet out here.
Gardener
We’re lucky in the summer to have several large oak trees around our house. They give us glorious shade and a respite from the intense afternoon sun. This was our first Fall in this house, and I didn’t realize just how many acorns these giants drop. I now have a sizable oak grove in my front yard.
Getting my lawn back in order for spring was no small task. There were sticks to pick up, leaves to rake, weeds to pull, flowers to plant, and mulch to put down. Thankfully my mom was in town and we spent over five hours just bringing everything back into shape.
Our garden was particularly messy. Amongst the weeds that had cropped up were vulnerable seedlings that had been replanted by the various bushes and perennials in the garden bed. My mom worked meticulously to pull out the weeds and care for the seedlings.
The other day I was sitting in the playroom with my children and I looked out at the beauty and order we had restored, and realized that I was charged with the same thing as a parent. The characteristics that make an excellent gardener are the same ones that make a great parent.
Each day we have to help our children grow and keep them safe. We have to diligently watch them, prepare their meals, and help them to explore their world. All along the way, we have to pull out the weeds of bad habits and encourage good ones. We must be patient throughout the growing process, because it is a long one.
Gardeners have varying degrees of skill, experience, training, and background. Even a new gardener can grow a beautiful garden if they give it enough attention and care. The same is true for parents. Whether you have one child or ten, with patience, care, and attention, you can be successful.
Controlling Kids in Church
Taking kids to Church is hard. There’s getting everyone fed, cleaned, dressed, and out the door on time. Then, of course, there’s the issue of noise. Kids aren’t very self-aware, and if yours are like mine, they enjoy the echo of their own voice in Church.
Parents need to do their part to keep their kids under control at Mass. Having a bag of quiet toys, sitting near the front, and intervening in sibling disputes before they get out of hand are great ways to be proactive. There are even times when a child needs to be taken to the narthex for a few minutes to calm down or stretch their legs.
To be sure, there is a problem with children making noise while in Church, but it has little to do with the children themselves. The actual problem is how we respond.
The way I see it, the sounds of children at Mass is the voice of a young and growing Church. My daughter, Felicity, loves to call out to Fr. Gus. She’ll stand up on the pew and say, “Hi Gus!” repeatedly until he greets her back. It’s actually rather cute and we make sure that she has a chance to say hello before the Mass begins. But, if during Mass, she loudly asks me, “Where’s Gus?” I don’t shush her. I get her to where she can see him, and then all is well.
Felicity also has a tendency to sing loudly, but only after the song has ended. How wrong did it feel for me to tell her to quiet down as she loudly proclaimed, “Alleluia?” Very. So I let her go for a moment or two, and when she didn’t stop, we went to the back.
Occasionally I’ll take Benedict and Felicity to daily Mass. We sit in the front pew, but that’s not always a foolproof plan. I can feel the cold sweat building up as they make noise and the lector is quickly drowned out. But I know, this is where they need to be. I do my best, and that is enough.
If we keep our kids away from Church when they’re young, how can we expect to tell them that it’s important when they’re older? Parents, do your best, and recognize that there’s a limit. Parishioners, give the kids (and their parents!) a smile and a wave, and be joyful that the Church will continue for many decades to come. Who knows, you may be creating a welcoming environment for the priest who will baptize your first great-grandchild.
Momentum
A 10-day stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) will drain you. Lucy’s stay was a bit unexpected, and very frustrating. I think any parent of a newborn shares these emotions.
I tried to be at her bedside as much as I could. That meant leaving my other two kids at home with their grandmother and existing at the crossroads of boredom and exhaustion.
Now that Lucy is finally home, I have another big transition to make. Momentum plays an outsized role in routine. The more momentum you can have on your side when you’re doing the things that lead to health and satisfaction, the better off you are. My first day waking up at 5:00am to hit the gym is brutal. Day 14 in a row is much easier to handle.
Whether its a relationship, a career, a chore, or a habit, the hardest choice we have to make is whether or not to get back on the horse. When you bravely choose to get on, expect challenges. Expect resistance. You should also expect positive results.
Data Driven
I’m a guy who likes data. I like to see numbers, charts, and graphs. I can understand them and make decisions based off of them. It’s just the way that I am.
Data can be an awesome asset, but it can also be a distraction. When I dive deep into the numbers, I lose sight of my goal. If my goal is to lose 30 pounds (which it is), then knowing my weight loss rate per week is helpful. It can give me a sense of how long it may take me to get to my goal, but it can also distract me from actually doing the work.
My daughter, Lucy, is in the hospital right now. She was born last week, and has had some difficulty transitioning to her new life. She’s making good progress, but her monitoring regime is giving us lots of data points. When all is going well, it feels good. But when she struggles, and her machines alarm, it becomes stressful. It’s easy for me to just stare at the monitor and get tunnel vision as the beeps sound and lights flash. In those moments, I can forget about the amazing progress that she’s made over the past few days, and her overall progress. This is when data becomes the enemy. When I take it in stride, I can see discharge just around the corner.
Data is a wonderful thing, but it can only do so much. All things ebb and flow, and if you become too fixated on the moment, you lose situational awareness. Look at the data in the moment, compare it to the trend, but no matter what, keep after it.
Do it today. And then go out and do it again tomorrow.