Themes
This is a big year for me. My son is starting school in the fall, my middle child is coming into her own, and my baby is getting ready to stand up on two feet and never stop moving. The lifestyle that we’ve developed, that of loose structure, is about to take on a whole new level of complication.
When we started the new year, I thought about what I could do to unify our vision for the year ahead. What principles could we embrace that would help guide us through this transition period and inform our next actions? I settled on “Adventure Awaits” and “Everybody Helps.”
It’s easy to fall into ruts. In the summer months when days are hot or on cold winter afternoons, it’s easier for me to keep everyone in the house than strike out into the world. Even on nice days, the thought of loading three kids into car seats is enough to keep me inside. But there are plenty of adventures out there waiting for us. I’ve scheduled time for us to go to the park each day, and we’re doing a good job of exploring new ones. To the kids, it’s a whole new adventure, and I have to remind myself of that.
I prefer a tidy house, but keeping it that way is a challenge. Kids grow and develop so fast that they often are capable of much more than I think. Obviously the toy situation is the big problem, and to my surprise, they’re fully able to work together to get the playroom completely cleaned up and toys put away. The closet may be stuffed, but hey, if the door closes I can’t see them, that’s good enough for me.
I enjoy having these themes, because they benefit us all. I’m reminded to keep us on the go and to trust the kids with more responsibilities around the house, and they’re challenged to do new things, almost daily. An added benefit, our average daily screen time is below 60 minutes. Win-win.
Praying as a Family
When we pray in a group, we’re vulnerable. Even if it’s just our family surrounding us, it’s easy to feel uncomfortable. That’s because prayer comes from the most intimate part of our being. Our hopes and fears are laid bare when we bring them to God in prayer.
I think that feeling of vulnerability is why we don’t pray as a family more often. There’s no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed, but it is a difficult thing to do. At the same time, when it comes to passing on our faith to our children, praying as a family is the most important part of our daily ritual. In praying together, both formally and from the heart, we are teaching them to pray.
Family prayer time should be a nonnegotiable, happening every single day regardless of the circumstances or how far past bedtime you are. The family is the most basic community within the Church, and if the Church is going to be healthy and carry out Her saving mission, we have to make sure that the family is healthy.
Take courage, find a time that will work (probably just before you tuck your little ones into bed), and pray as a family, every single day.
The Gift of Faith
A few weeks ago, I attended a men’s prayer breakfast at my parish. The speaker gave a short talk on the importance of praying as a family. One of the most challenging roles as a parent is not preparing your children to go out into the world on their own, but rather giving them the gift of faith.
Our core societal sickness is based on a lack of spirituality. Faith, increasingly treated with suspicion, meets a core need of the human person. Thinking that one can be truly healthy without a vibrant faith life is like thinking one can have their nutritional needs met through a diet void of protein. It’s a part of the bigger picture.
Economists and sociologists are starting to study this dimension of our society and the very real impact that it is having on people and families in our country. Known as “deaths of despair,” these academics are finding links between a lack of faith and a disconnection form what it means to be human. This disconnect is resulting in a despair that leads to a rising suicide rate in the most prosperous country in the world.
How is it that faith can be the antidote? For one, it brings together people with shared values. It puts the ups and downs of life into perspective. Great joys are gifts, blessings. Great disappointments and heartaches are periods of refining, moments that can be jumping off points to a deeper, more vibrant faith life. Beyond that, faith gives meaning to all of the moments in life, large and small.
Denying a core part of the human person is a dangerous proposition. To live a rich and meaningful life, we must tend to every aspect of our personhood: our physical health, our emotional health, our relationships, our intellectual development, our sexuality, and our spirituality. Ignoring any one of those areas leaves us feeling emptier than we should. Abusing any of these areas causes real damage to our lives.
Passing on the Catholic faith is about more than just checking a box. It’s about giving my children a solid framework through which they can process every decision and event in their life. It’s about giving them the support that they need to go out and serve their communities. It’s about showing them that despite the turmoil or chaos around them, there’s a steady, constant set of truths that will not bend. It’s a gift as important and providing a stable home and one that I must work on passing on every day.
Twenty Nineteen
In years past, I would take this opportunity to recap my year prior and lay out my plan for the new year. It’s a great time to take stock of your life and consider where you are and where you’d like to be. This year, things are different.
I’ve been working on building up my own self-awareness and, over the past several months, I’ve realized just how far I’ve slipped. Pretty much the past four years have been on a downward trend as my energies have gone towards caring for my children instead of caring for myself. This state of chaos that we all experience is a very real one, and it needs serious consideration.
My children need my help, but they also need me to help myself. They need me to be clean, clear, present, and prepared to engage in adventures as they explore their world. If I’m chronically behind on cleaning, unkempt, and low on energy, it’s a disservice to them.
This year is going to be a change year for me. I’m going to be hyper focused on improving my own physical, emotional, and mental health so that I can be better equipped to run around with three kids for twelve hours each that. That’ll require the discipline to stay on top of my housework, to reduce my digital dependance throughout the day, and a commitment to exercise and better eating.
These aren’t resolutions, these are revolutions. I’m changing my relationship with food and with myself, and in doing so, I’ll be ready to accept every invitation to build LEGOs or have a tea party.
Becoming Technoskeptic
When the iOS App Store first opened its doors, I was one of the first customers. For years, coworkers would query me about the latest and greatest app. They’d come to me with the solution that they were trying to achieve, and I’d help them find the best app for the job. I was a true technophile.
So much has changed over the past eight years. I embraced many of the consumer technologies that have emerged, only now to regret implementing them at all. Privacy is now my biggest concern, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not a technoskeptic.
Technology is not all bad, but it must be tested. Its usefulness evaluated against the drawbacks. The more I use my phone, the less I connect with the world and the people within it. The more free services I use, the more technology companies track and profile me.
I’m retreating from technology, one step at a time. I believe that there are a few legitimate ways in which it can help me. Navigation, food tracking, blogging, and even my three year running habit of daily journaling. But for the many niche applications, where I could easily go analog, I’m going to move in that direction.
I’m tired of the tracking and the ads. I’m tired of the daily pleasures I’m missing while glued to a rectangle. I’m ready to return to a healthier balance in my life.
Making Breakfast
It’s the little things that make the biggest difference. Most mornings, I invest a few minutes in my marriage, but Alison isn’t even in the same room. I’m started a new habit of making breakfast for her to take on the road to work.
It’s been an idea floating around in my head for years, only now to finally be put into action. Now that I’m doing it, I’m actually surprised at how little time it takes.
My ideal morning starts with me getting up, going for a walk, meditating, praying, and then reading the news. I usually finish around 6:45am, with the kids not getting up until 7:30am or so. When I’m done with the news, I take 10 minutes to make Alison’s coffee, pack her lunch, and make her breakfast to go.
It’s a small effort on my part, and makes a big difference in her day. I wonder what other small opportunities I have to make a positive impact on my marriage. It’s worth considering.
Thinking Forward
Typically at the end of the year, I’ll write a post about my goals, both looking back and planning forward. Like most people, I have a checkered track record. That fact, however, has yet to discourage me.
One of my big pushes this year was to read 24 books, or an average of two per month. I flamed out early, and then got to work in earnest over the summer. I didn’t end up reading 24 books; I read 30.
My first book for this year is Best Year Ever by Michael Hyatt. He’s had this program for a few years, and at the start of 2018 released a book version of his course. I planned on reading it early this year, but balked at buying it. I concluded, wrongly, that it was going to be too abstract.
Perhaps the best lesson that I took away from the book was finishing your past. We have negative experiences, many from years ago, that continue to shape and impact our thinking and decision making today. Failures from years ago dog us, weighing on our forward progress. In the book, Hyatt lays out an After Action Report that helps to process those events.
In thinking about my overall mindset, I realized just how many of those negative thoughts were bouncing around in my head. I used the process to purge them. Now I’m ready to take on a new year with a fresh perspective.
So much of our lives and our wellness are entirely within our control. Not the events that play out, but rather how we react and respond to them. I’m not going to be changed at the stroke of midnight on the 31st, but I will be closer to my goals at that moment than I am now.
On Tumblr
Tumblr recently faced an internal crisis. The niche mass-blogging platform had become widely accepting of adult themed blogs. Pornographic images were freely posted and shared, all within the acceptable uses defined by the company. Then came the child pornography.
Most modern websites that allow photo uploads scan images against a database of known child pornography. There’s no disagreement that this type of imagery is not only morally wrong, but a criminal act that must be dealt with harshly. Tumblr had a technical breakdown, and was unable to filter out those images. So they decided to update their Terms of Service to no longer allow pornographic images of any kind.
And people were livid.
I think this shows the intellectual weakness in our society. We rightly rage against sexism and sexual assault, and we are angered when a company makes a move against arguably the largest influencer of sexual assault in the modern era. Pornography is nothing new, but its acceptance in the mainstream is a monumental shift. It influences young men and women, forms their minds and behaviors, and now we live with the result.
I think that Tumblr made a brave and moral decision to make adult imagery less mainstream, less accessible, and less commonplace. It’s right for our children, and its right for the good of the Internet writ large.
Where Emotion and Perception Rule
My degree is in classical philosophy, with a heavy emphasis in Ancient Greek thought. Of all of the courses that I took, none stand out as more impactful than Logic. When use that word, “logic,” a lot without really appreciating just what it is. (I will use an upper-case “L” when referring to Logic in the classical sense.) Logic is a system, very closely related to mathematics, that helps us to process thoughts and positions to ensure integrity and congruence.
Within Logic, there are two general types of formulas: tautologies and fallacies. Tautologies are formulas that are always true, while fallacies are formulas that are essentially flawed and can never deliver a true result. The unique nature about these formulas is that they are expressed with variables, making them completely interchangeable with any subject matter or problem. When you study and understand the underpinnings of these types of formulas, you start to be careful in the way that you construct arguments. This caution is heightened because you wouldn’t want your logical argument to be able to be reconstructed for illicit purposes.
The true benefit that Logic brings to any debate is that it is impartial. It allows for any argument to be processed and evaluated without relying on the innate fickleness of human nature. Emotion can turn on a time, but Logic is immovable.
As we move into a society of screaming and stalking, we are collectively shrugging off an objective referee in favor of emotion and perception. We claim to support science and Truth, and yet we cherry-pick the science that we like and have made truth wholly subjective. This is most clearly illustrated in the idea of someone speaking, “their truth,” as if truth applied unevenly and particularly to each individual person.
Abandoning Logic creates dangers beyond what we imagine in our limited views. Evils like racism or sexism can put on the cloak of moral rectitude because, in a world where there is no Truth, they can easily adapt to pass muster.
We must resist the very easy course of just doing what feels good, and instead engage the full capacity of the human mind. As rational beings, we posses tremendous creative capacities to create. New ideas should be generated, tested, and shared. When we retreat to the recesses of emotion as our sole guide for morality and justice, we are doomed to exist in a world ruled by the irrationality of a pubescent teenager.
Shepherd Your Flock
Parenting takes courage.
I’m the parent of three small children. I stay home with them during the day, and am so grateful to have Alison there with me in the evenings and on weekends. We’re a team, and we’re constantly exhausted. Some days I struggle to get out of bed and make good on the commitments that I’ve made. There’s seldom quiet and no break is ever long enough.
There’s solace in recognizing that all parents of small children feel this same way. I often feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m failing to set a good example, to be consistent, and to keep the house running while being engaged with my kids. My goal is to have the kitchen cleaned and toys put away before bed, but more often than not, I’m spending the first part of the next day finishing up tasks from the day prior.
As if that weren’t bad enough, I have an entire culture out there trying to lie to my children. They’re trying to sell them loser language, excuses, and laziness. They’re telling my children to rebel against me and enjoy a life of no discipline, and no regrets.
I have many of the scars from believing people other than my parents. I don’t want to pass that legacy on to them.
But I’m not a loser. I’m a victor.
That’s why no matter how hard I get beat down, I always get back up. I’m tired, I’d love a break, and I’d love to just go with the flow, but that’s not good enough for my children. I may not have done today perfectly, but when my children close their eyes at night, they know that they are safe and they are loved.