Seeking Rest
As the stay-at-home parent in my family, I struggle with the tension of rest. There are some days when I feel completely drained and I can’t wait for Alison to walk in the door so that someone else can take over watching the kids. The dilemma is that I know that Alison has been busy working all day, too. How can I reconcile handing off the kids when I know that she’s been through more than me? What do you do when you feel exhausted and know there’s no break on the horizon?
I’ve found that with for growth leap and schedule change that my kids go through, I simply have to adapt. There are things that I must do. I must go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. I must eat three meals a day, plus a snack or two. I must drink water. Outside of those needs, the key to feeling rested is not what it seems.
When I feel too tired to pick up or clean the kitchen, that’s exactly what I need to do. I get a burst of energy from accomplishing something. Plus, I always feel better the next day when I don’t have to start by finishing up what I didn’t get done the day before. There’s something about a lack of clutter that is relaxing. The same is true for exercise. My preferred exercise is walking for an hour, or about 4 miles. That steady pace over the course of 60 minutes always leaves me pumped up for the day.
Rest is something deep; it’s finding a sense of peace. You can only get that peace when you fulfill your responsibilities and take care of your physical needs. That may mean waking up earlier, trying a different order of to-dos, or even including your kids in your wellness routine. Laziness likes to dress itself up as rest, but it’s a mistake to fall for that.
When you feel tired and you still have lots more to do, especially at the end of the day, find something that you love and incorporate into your tasks. Enjoy the uninterrupted time, listen to an audiobook or a podcast, or maybe even your parent-only dance mix. You might be surprised just how rested you feel the next morning.
Twenty Twenty Focus
The constant rushing of life can feel crushing. Like the overwhelming power of a waterfall, events and information come at me in a daily deluge. There’s so much to do, a set amount of time, and my energy levels are not always aligned to my workload. Last year, I began paying closer attention to the things to which I was giving my attention.
In the process of developing my sense of self-awareness, I recognized the peace that comes with meditation and prayer. Sitting still for even just 10 minutes at a time is a strange feeling. It’s an activity in which there’s nothing to do and no new information being presented to my brain. Distractions and thoughts percolate, but when I’m meditating, I have permission to not act.
Choosing to not act is a difficult one, especially when an idea presents itself. I’ll be meditating and wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow or I’ll remember some task left undone. Instinctively, I reach for my phone to check the weather or record the task. Through a decade of smartphone use, I’ve destabilized myself to the point where even in these brief periods of time that I’ve set aside for no distraction, I feel pulled to action.
When I have a migraine, the best thing that I can do for myself is to make a delicious meal. But when I have a migraine, the last thing that I want to do is spend the time and energy to prepare a delicious meal. The same is true for taking time for meditation. The days when I need it the most are the days that I feel the greatest resistance.
Meditation is popular right now, but meditation isn’t a life hack. Its purpose is connection, not creation. It’s communication, not consumption. Meditation is time set apart for personal, intimate conversation with God. Meditation is me taking God up on his multiple promises to give me rest.
My focus for 2020 is perfecting my fundamentals. Instead of focusing on achieving something new, I’m going to work on consistently doing those daily activities that cause me to live a more fulfilling life. Daily meditation is as fundamental as it gets.
A Remarkable Year
As I wrote in January about my grand plans for 2019, I laid out a vision for a totally new me. I recognized the malaise that I had fallen into over the past four years, caught up in the responsibilities of parenting. Though left unsaid, I was adrift in the ocean of technology, struggling to maintain focus and presence. I declared that 2019 would be different, not knowing the truth in that bold pronouncement.
In the past fifteen years of my life, none have been as categorically successful as 2019. Goals that I had worked towards for years came to fruition. I read 40 books, wrote and published a book, and lost 43 pounds. I cleared my entire backlog of books that I wanted to read. I’ve had to replace nearly every article of clothing that I own. My wardrobe now matches my style, and I feel good in them.
I never expected to lose the weight and I never expected to clear out my reading backlog. Now that I have tasted the sweetness of victory, I am a changed man.
2019 was remarkable for me in another way. The last decade brought about the smartphone revolution. I entered the decade by graduating college and starting work. I was a technophile, finding and using the best apps, subscribing to digital entertainment platforms, and immersed in the social media networks of the Internet.
Over the past twelve months, I’ve completed my transition to a technoskeptic. I’ve ended my relationship with all of the major social networks, choosing instead to exist digitally on my personal blog. I’ve deleted my Google account and wound down my business with Amazon. I’ve turned my iPhone into a dumb phone, putting it in its place as a communications device with the world’s best pocket camera inside. I rarely watch television.
I’ve become suspicious of the endless promises of technology. I’ve experienced the price that it exacts for convenience. Instead of giving it carte blanche in my life, I rigorously defend my time and attention, only allowing technology to assist me on my terms.
While I did not fully achieve my vision of a more present father to my children, on top of my domestic responsibilities, I made great strides. The changes that I’ve made, the systems that I’ve implemented, and the progress of 2019 set me up for success to do just that in 2020.
The Joy of the Season
In the blink of an eye, the end of 2019 is just over a week away and we’re at the threshold of the Christmas season. What better way to crown the year than with the joy of Christmas. The joy is so complete that a single 24-hour time period cannot contain it. We’ve spent four weeks in hopeful anticipation and will celebrate the feast for nineteen days.
I hope that your Christmas season is filled with joy, and that Christ will be welcomed into your heart and home. Merry Christmas!
Not from Scratch
I woke up at my normal time on Saturday morning, went for my walk, came home, and got ready for the day. I walked into the kitchen at about the same time that I normally do each morning. The only difference from any other weekday on that cold December morning is that my whole family was still fast asleep in their warm beds. I pulled out a box of muffin mix and spent twenty minutes baking a dozen fresh blueberry muffins.
The mix was less than $2 at the grocery store, and the directions consisted of me putting paper muffin liners in the muffin pan, mixing three ingredients with a spoon, and putting the whole thing in the oven. I didn’t have to wake up before dawn to pull off this fresh breakfast, nor did I use an old family recipe. It was a simple deviation in my schedule that put a delicious treat on our Saturday morning breakfast table.
It’s easy to feel paralyzed when you want to do something nice for your family. Between HGTV, the Food Network, and all of your social feeds, you’re inundated with perfection, made from scratch projects and food dishes. Maybe you’ve even tried in the past to treat your family with something from one of those shows or pictures, only for your final project to look not at all like theirs.
Perfection is mythology; don’t need to reinvent the wheel just to do something nice for your family. A box of muffin mix after baking results in the same end product as pulling out eight different ingredients to make them from scratch. When you sit down at the table, you’re eating a muffin. The point is that you baked muffins, not how you put the batter together.
Life is complicated enough. Making an effort is what’s important. Make the effort.
Everybody Helps
At the beginning of 2019, I sat down to think about annual themes for my family. I wanted to have a lens through which we’d filter our daily life, especially our activities. Taking care of three kids and managing the household puts a lot on my plate. As my kids have grown, I haven’t done a good job involving them in the chores that maintaining a household requires. It’s time for that to change.
One of the themes, which I’m only now employing, is “Everybody Helps.” We can’t all do the same thing, but we can all do something.
My father-in-law came for a visit last week. In the lead up to his arrival, I had workers in the house rehabbing my shower. We also had just arrived home from our Thanksgiving travels. The house was a complete mess and I had less than four hours to get everything back in order.
Benedict and Felicity were excited for their grandfather’s arrival, and they were in the mood to help. While I was working, they each came up and asked if I had a job for them. I couldn’t ask them to clean the bathroom, but I could ask them to empty the trash. I could also ask them to put things away, or move things between rooms.
They excitedly ran off, did their job, and came back, asking for their next job. I broke down my bigger jobs into singular tasks and assigned them out. As soon as we finished, our guest of honor arrived.
Certainly my kids were excited to help get our house ready, but there was a deeper lesson in there for both of us. I learned that they’re perfectly capable of helping me with my chores and they learned the value of work. They felt useful, productive, and a part of their family. They deserve to have that feeling more often.
Humble Service
Life as a stay-at-home dad was nothing like I expected. For the first two years, with only a toddler to watch, I was bored. As my family grew, I quickly became overwhelmed. Juggling care for the kids and managing the house proved to be a bigger challenge than I could’ve ever imagined. I spent five years trying to find my identity, when it was right in front of me the entire time.
My writing has always been very personal. I write about things in my life and the questions that I wrestle with. I write about my experiences as a way of processing the events of my day, and as a way of helping you. I hope that the lessons that I learn as a husband and as a dad will help you.
On Tuesday, I’m releasing my newest book, _Humble Service_. In seven years of writing, this is by far the best work that I’ve created. In it, I articulate a philosophy of fatherhood and the theological underpinnings of fatherhood. I share my daily schedule and the tools that I use. Perhaps most importantly, this book explores what it means to be a stay-at-home dad. The title is the perfect summation of my role: humble service.
My identity is intricately connected to who I am as a stay-at-home dad. I’m a father who’s actively involved in his family’s life. I’m a husband who’s the critical support for my wife so that she can go to work in the morning and make a difference in the world. I’m a man who’s capable of handling any domestic task with skill. I’m an irreplaceable part of my family’s life. My daily, quiet, humble service helps my family navigate the twists and turns of life.
I wrote this book in the same spirit that I wrote _The Transition_. It’s a guidebook for men who are coming down this trail behind me. More and more men are taking on the daily responsibility of care for their children and their homes. I assembled my best insights into one collective work so that these men don’t have to spend years feeling lost. This is the book to help men plan out their life as a stay-at-home dad. I hope that it will help them to assume the mantle of leadership with confidence and direction.
Families need fathers. They need their leadership, their support, and their active participation in their daily life. To the men who take the road less traveled, who sacrifice their own career aspirations for the good of their family and who assume the humble service of life as as stay-at-home dad, this book is for you.
_Humble Service: Leading Your Family as a Stay-at-Home Dad is a available on November 26th on Amazon in paperback and for Kindle, and on the Apple Books store._
Poverty
I had a dream a few months ago that my family and I were refugees. My dream was vivid. We arrived in a camp with only the clothes on our backs. We were lodged in a plywood dorm, sparsely decorated, and filled with rough characters. Wildfires burned in the vicinity, adding peril to our already difficult journey. We’ve become desensitized over the past decade to the plight of migrants.
What really struck me in that dream was the desperation of our situation. We went from a safe, stable, predictable life to one in which I couldn’t even guarantee the safety of my family. We had literally nothing.
The mass migration from Africa and the Middle East continues. Central Americans continue to journey north in search of peace and security. To many of us, the issue is academic; it’s a question of policy. To these people, the journey is fraught with danger.
As we approach Advent and Christmas, my thoughts have turned to the Holy Family. They were Jewish refugees, fleeing from violence and danger at home, to live abroad in Egypt. Their journey was like that of the modern migrant.
I take the comforts of my life for granted. When we need food or supplies, I simply go to Walmart and get what we need. The shelves are full of items, and our pantry never runs empty. My children don’t wonder when their next meal will be served. There are far too many people, even in developed countries, who don’t share in that comfort.
Advent, like Lent, is a season of penance and almsgiving. Donating to a food pantry, or making a financial contribution to a charity working with migrants and the displaced, makes a difference. We have the power to ease the suffering of our neighbors.
On Retreat
I made my first private retreat in twelve years last weekend. I left all of my electronics at home, and after dinner on Friday night, drove off into the darkness to the retreat center. I had no responsibilities, no commitments on my time, and for the most part, no clock. Even better, I was the only person on retreat on the grounds for the weekend. The peace and rejuvenation that solitude brought me is exactly what I needed.
I, like you, spend most of my days plugged in. I have dozens of commitments to attend to, responsibilities to fulfill, and appointments on my calendar. Even the demands of maintaining basic order in my household take a lot out of me. Taking time to focus on myself, and building up my interior life, is essential to my wellbeing. It’s also a recipe for a more successful fatherhood.
There were several times over the weekend when I felt an impulse to reach for my devices. Feeling that physical reaction, I came to better understand my relationship with them. It gave me the opportunity to pause and understand why I was feeling that way. The freedom to be alone with my thoughts was the best part of my weekend.
It was a wonderful weekend, and I got out of it exactly what I had hoped. I feel rested, relaxed, and ready to take on the daily challenges I have as a stay-at-home dad. I’ll just be sure to not wait another twelve years before making my next retreat.
Servant Leadership
Many people want the title, pomp, and circumstance that comes with leadership. They crave the seniority, the deference, the perks, the reserved parking spot, and the corner office. Few want the responsibility. Leadership is about serving, not being served. As a true servant leader, Jesus taught us that. He didn’t seek praise or preferential treatment. Instead, He did the things that no one else wanted to do. He spoke to people that others looked down upon and He challenged every social norm. He challenged us in order to lead us to Truth. He was a servant leader all the way to the cross.
Everything that you do throughout the day should be seen through the lens of service. That vision includes tasks that you enjoy and those that you detest. When you’re bored, agitated, lonely, or exhausted, keep pushing forward. Your kids may not say anything, and they may not seem to notice, but they see everything. Your sons are forming the idea of the father that they ought to be. Your daughters are painting a picture of their future spouse.
It can be overwhelming to acknowledge that every action you take is analyzed so deeply. What about when you make a mistake or fall down? Imperfection is part of the human experience and your children are watching to see how you react. Will you apologize and make amends? Will you give up and fall further? You’re teaching them how they should respond to their own faults and failures.
You’re the leader of your household and your family. Your attitude, behavior, and language sets the tone in your home. A warm, loving, safe, and welcoming environment hinges, in large part, on you. Servant leaders build communities and spaces that make a house feel like a home. A selfish little boy trapped in a man’s body can never build that kind of home for his family.
Developing into a servant leader is the work of a lifetime. It’s a habit that must be practiced, and refined, daily. There will be plenty of successes, and more than a few misses. Never become discouraged; change and renewal is always possible. Make better choices each day and stay faithful to that commitment.