Humble Service
Life as a stay-at-home dad was nothing like I expected. For the first two years, with only a toddler to watch, I was bored. As my family grew, I quickly became overwhelmed. Juggling care for the kids and managing the house proved to be a bigger challenge than I could’ve ever imagined. I spent five years trying to find my identity, when it was right in front of me the entire time.
My writing has always been very personal. I write about things in my life and the questions that I wrestle with. I write about my experiences as a way of processing the events of my day, and as a way of helping you. I hope that the lessons that I learn as a husband and as a dad will help you.
On Tuesday, I’m releasing my newest book, _Humble Service_. In seven years of writing, this is by far the best work that I’ve created. In it, I articulate a philosophy of fatherhood and the theological underpinnings of fatherhood. I share my daily schedule and the tools that I use. Perhaps most importantly, this book explores what it means to be a stay-at-home dad. The title is the perfect summation of my role: humble service.
My identity is intricately connected to who I am as a stay-at-home dad. I’m a father who’s actively involved in his family’s life. I’m a husband who’s the critical support for my wife so that she can go to work in the morning and make a difference in the world. I’m a man who’s capable of handling any domestic task with skill. I’m an irreplaceable part of my family’s life. My daily, quiet, humble service helps my family navigate the twists and turns of life.
I wrote this book in the same spirit that I wrote _The Transition_. It’s a guidebook for men who are coming down this trail behind me. More and more men are taking on the daily responsibility of care for their children and their homes. I assembled my best insights into one collective work so that these men don’t have to spend years feeling lost. This is the book to help men plan out their life as a stay-at-home dad. I hope that it will help them to assume the mantle of leadership with confidence and direction.
Families need fathers. They need their leadership, their support, and their active participation in their daily life. To the men who take the road less traveled, who sacrifice their own career aspirations for the good of their family and who assume the humble service of life as as stay-at-home dad, this book is for you.
_Humble Service: Leading Your Family as a Stay-at-Home Dad is a available on November 26th on Amazon in paperback and for Kindle, and on the Apple Books store._
Poverty
I had a dream a few months ago that my family and I were refugees. My dream was vivid. We arrived in a camp with only the clothes on our backs. We were lodged in a plywood dorm, sparsely decorated, and filled with rough characters. Wildfires burned in the vicinity, adding peril to our already difficult journey. We’ve become desensitized over the past decade to the plight of migrants.
What really struck me in that dream was the desperation of our situation. We went from a safe, stable, predictable life to one in which I couldn’t even guarantee the safety of my family. We had literally nothing.
The mass migration from Africa and the Middle East continues. Central Americans continue to journey north in search of peace and security. To many of us, the issue is academic; it’s a question of policy. To these people, the journey is fraught with danger.
As we approach Advent and Christmas, my thoughts have turned to the Holy Family. They were Jewish refugees, fleeing from violence and danger at home, to live abroad in Egypt. Their journey was like that of the modern migrant.
I take the comforts of my life for granted. When we need food or supplies, I simply go to Walmart and get what we need. The shelves are full of items, and our pantry never runs empty. My children don’t wonder when their next meal will be served. There are far too many people, even in developed countries, who don’t share in that comfort.
Advent, like Lent, is a season of penance and almsgiving. Donating to a food pantry, or making a financial contribution to a charity working with migrants and the displaced, makes a difference. We have the power to ease the suffering of our neighbors.
On Retreat
I made my first private retreat in twelve years last weekend. I left all of my electronics at home, and after dinner on Friday night, drove off into the darkness to the retreat center. I had no responsibilities, no commitments on my time, and for the most part, no clock. Even better, I was the only person on retreat on the grounds for the weekend. The peace and rejuvenation that solitude brought me is exactly what I needed.
I, like you, spend most of my days plugged in. I have dozens of commitments to attend to, responsibilities to fulfill, and appointments on my calendar. Even the demands of maintaining basic order in my household take a lot out of me. Taking time to focus on myself, and building up my interior life, is essential to my wellbeing. It’s also a recipe for a more successful fatherhood.
There were several times over the weekend when I felt an impulse to reach for my devices. Feeling that physical reaction, I came to better understand my relationship with them. It gave me the opportunity to pause and understand why I was feeling that way. The freedom to be alone with my thoughts was the best part of my weekend.
It was a wonderful weekend, and I got out of it exactly what I had hoped. I feel rested, relaxed, and ready to take on the daily challenges I have as a stay-at-home dad. I’ll just be sure to not wait another twelve years before making my next retreat.
Servant Leadership
Many people want the title, pomp, and circumstance that comes with leadership. They crave the seniority, the deference, the perks, the reserved parking spot, and the corner office. Few want the responsibility. Leadership is about serving, not being served. As a true servant leader, Jesus taught us that. He didn’t seek praise or preferential treatment. Instead, He did the things that no one else wanted to do. He spoke to people that others looked down upon and He challenged every social norm. He challenged us in order to lead us to Truth. He was a servant leader all the way to the cross.
Everything that you do throughout the day should be seen through the lens of service. That vision includes tasks that you enjoy and those that you detest. When you’re bored, agitated, lonely, or exhausted, keep pushing forward. Your kids may not say anything, and they may not seem to notice, but they see everything. Your sons are forming the idea of the father that they ought to be. Your daughters are painting a picture of their future spouse.
It can be overwhelming to acknowledge that every action you take is analyzed so deeply. What about when you make a mistake or fall down? Imperfection is part of the human experience and your children are watching to see how you react. Will you apologize and make amends? Will you give up and fall further? You’re teaching them how they should respond to their own faults and failures.
You’re the leader of your household and your family. Your attitude, behavior, and language sets the tone in your home. A warm, loving, safe, and welcoming environment hinges, in large part, on you. Servant leaders build communities and spaces that make a house feel like a home. A selfish little boy trapped in a man’s body can never build that kind of home for his family.
Developing into a servant leader is the work of a lifetime. It’s a habit that must be practiced, and refined, daily. There will be plenty of successes, and more than a few misses. Never become discouraged; change and renewal is always possible. Make better choices each day and stay faithful to that commitment.
Spiritual Health
Spirituality is an integral part of what it means to be a human person. Ignore your physical health, and your emotional wellbeing suffers. Ignore your intellectual health, and your relationships will suffer. Your spirituality is no different. Each component of your personhood needs individualized attention. They all work in concert with one another to form the human person.
It should be emphasized that faith is indeed a gift. Our human hearts, like a radio receiver, are attuned to the voice of God in our lives. Our hearts yearn to follow the law that He inscribed on them. At the same time, our hearts can be turned off, or turned to a different station. Understanding and accepting faith is a challenge for each one of us. It’s a lifetime struggle with seasons of abundance and desolation. It’s a gift worth giving, and one that must be willingly accepted.
The first order of business in your personal faith journey is an evaluation of your interior life. The prolific author Matthew Kelly writes that where your mind goes, your actions will follow. Digital devices drown out our personal thoughts. We reach for them to fill every down moment of the day. Tremendous virtue, growth, and self-reflection can come from limiting their presence in your life.
When you have time for your mind to work and think, it’s best to let it roam where it wishes. This stream of consciousness will inevitably lead you to ponder life’s big questions. The true nature and concerns of your heart will bubble to the surface. These insights will inform your prayer life.
Prayer is another area where I would encourage you to discount any preconceived notions. In my own experience, a solid and reliable prayer life requires variety. If you were to set out to exercise every day, but only allowed yourself to run on a treadmill for an hour with no media, how long would it take before you quit? If you were given a diet that had you eating the same breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday, how long would you last? If you were assigned a particular devotional as your primary form of prayer, how long would it be before you gave up your faith altogether?
Variety is the spice of life, and so it should be with your spiritual life. Experiment by going to different parishes and Masses, try new devotionals, join a Bible study, or do your own with the Catholic Study Bible. Take an hour to go to Eucharistic Adoration or pray the Rosary while you go for a walk in your neighborhood. By changing your prayer routine often, you’ll experience the breadth of the Church and the serenity that a close relationship with God brings.
Reaching A Goal
I still remember it vividly. I stepped on to the scale one winter morning to see a three digit number that scared me: 207 lbs. I was six months out of college, living on my own, and suddenly in the worst physical condition of my life. How did it come to this? I was still learning how to live, but something needed to change. I bought my first Fitbit, and started on an eight year journey to get my weight back to a healthy range.
I’ve gone through many cycles over these eight years. I’ve gotten married, had kids, moved three times, and lived through all of the changes that one does in nearly a decade of life. Looking at a graph of my weight, I can see those seasons clearly illustrated. The gradual decline on my year of walking every single day and the mountains of weight gain that stress and instability added.
But 2019 was my year. Alison and I, working together, did something that even during my best periods of weight loss I never believed possible. I’ve reached that goal that I set for myself on that winter morning in my bathroom, half the country away.
I’ve reached another point of transition. Now that I’ve reached my goal, how do I maintain it? The natural inclination is to simply revert to old habits. I’ve reached my goal, so now I should reach for a big bowl of ice cream. But that’s a recipe for another mountain.
No matter the goal, whether it’s physical, relational, intellectual, or spiritual, the point of the journey is to learn the lessons needed to maintain success. We go through a trial to learn what works, and what doesn’t. We know what life our current choices give us, but if we change those choices, could we have a life that better reflects our values?
If we reach a goal, only to revert to our old ways, what was the point of the sacrifice? Why do the work, if you’re only going to squander the reward?
Goals give us focus and clarity. They challenge us to become a better version of ourselves. Goals are important, but it is the journey that counts. A master teacher, the journey guides us and challenges us to persist. We struggle, fail, fight, learn, and only then, we win.
The new year is only months away, and you might now be thinking about the changes that you wish to make in your life. Set the goal, understand the result that you wish to achieve, but pay close attention to the journey.
The Importance of Self-Care
When I was first preparing to transition to my new life as a stay-at-home dad, there was a movement happening within the writing circles that I followed. I wanted to see what other writers were doing and hoped to pick up some tips and tricks from them. I wanted learn how to write better. One of the authors that I followed was Jon Acuff. At that time, he was talking in detail about the right way to handle your side project. One of his biggest takeaways was that you should be selfish at 5am.
Acuff correctly assumed that the 5 o’clock hour was a ripe opportunity to have time just for yourself. Most of your family is sleeping and you probably don’t need to start getting ready for work until 6:00am. By being selfish, he was encouraging his readers to get up a a little bit earlier than normal and work on something that they were passionate about. During those 30 or 60, you could work on whatever that thing was.
His point was two-fold. First, by opening up this time in your schedule, you really did have the time to chase your dream. Second, it’s natural to think that if you can’t do something full time, you shouldn’t do it at all. That idea was blown out of the water by this technique because writing for 30 minutes each morning, over long periods of time, could produce plenty of content for a blog or perhaps the first draft of a manuscript.
Seven years later, I’m still participating in the 5 Club, even though it doesn’t get much attention anymore. The app has long since been removed from the App Store and I haven’t heard Jon talk about this idea on his blog in years. For me, it was transformative idea.
Waking up at 5:00am is not fun. Neither is 6:00am or even 7:00am. Waking up is a daily challenge. Switching from a dormant state to an active one is a big jump for your body. After waking up at the new time consistently for two weeks, it becomes more natural. Opening up that time has been critical to my success and stability as a stay-at-home dad.
Read A Book
When you think about your overall health, or even your performance as a stay-at-home dad, I want you to think in terms of balance. Like a body builder who ensures that his routine doesn’t neglect any major group of muscles, take the time to work on each major aspect of your life. That’s what this chapter is all about. Your intellectual growth is just as important as your spiritual or physical health. Reading before bedtime can also be a great sleep aid. On nights when I read immediately before laying down, I will typically fall asleep in minutes.
Many of us haven’t read a single book since our formal schooling ended. That’s a huge mistake. Libraries, bookstores, and online retailers are filled with titles on any number of subjects. The rise of tools for independent publishers has allowed even more minds and ideas to share their stories and manuscripts with the world.
Books can be entertaining. Reading fiction is an important part of a reader’s diet. It allows for the willing suspension of disbelief and for the mind to be at rest. Fiction doesn’t require the brain to do much heavy lifting. Rest is an important component of a healthy life, and a healthy brain.
I never walk away from a book without at least one thing that I can do to change or improve some aspect of my life. In order to be a well-rounded dad, you need to read. Find books and authors that write on subjects that you’re interested in. Read one or two books on parenting each year. Read one or two books on relationships or personal finance every year. Books are the cheapest education available in the market today.
Self-Awareness
The gift of self-awareness is one that few bother to develop. In the midst of our busyness, we become numb. The curiosity of our youth fades, until we go through the motions of life without admiring the beauty and truth around us. Our bodies send us hints and signals throughout the day, telling us exactly what we need. Our lack of curiosity leads us to respond to those subtle cues inappropriately or ignore them altogether. Developing a sense of self-awareness can help us give our bodies just what they need.
In some ways, I didn’t work on my sense of self-awareness because I was afraid. I didn’t want to know what was really going on at my core. I preferred to create my own narrative, setting aside the helpful suggestions that my body was giving me.
I’m shocked at this lack of curiosity. I received all of this information, and ignored it. I was longing for meaningful activity; instead I ate a bowl of ice cream and rewatched The Office. I was feeling unsettled; I didn’t stop to realize my day was jammed with no down time.
Just as I learned about the unique connection between physical and spiritual health, I think that there’s a similar connection between health and self-awareness.
To redevelop my self-awareness and nurture my curiosity, I first turned to mindfulness. I spent about 10 minutes in the morning, and again in the evening, in quiet meditation and prayer using the Hallow app. Later, I added in the practice of intermittent fasting. Intermittent fasting is intentionally dividing your day between two periods: eating and fasting. For example, you might choose to eat during eight hours of the day and refrain from eating during the other sixteen.
Over time, as mindfulness and intermittent fasting took root in my routine, I noticed a difference. Through these habits, I have time in my day to pause. I consider and acknowledge any signals from my body that I receive and then choose the best response.
When it’s meal time, I ask myself, “Am I hungry?” What does my body say? If I’m satiated, there’s no need to eat. If I’m hungry, then I eat.
When I feel anxious, I ask myself is the cause something from my physical or mental state? Or perhaps is there something in my environment causing this anxiety?
Curiosity is a wonderful gift, and a strong sense of self-awareness is a trustworthy guide. If you want to work on developing either, consider gradually integrating mindfulness and intermittent fasting into your life.
Transformation
There’s something natural about self-criticism. We see ourselves in pictures, and we instantly focus on our faults and imperfections. In many ways, those pictures don’t align with the way that we see ourselves. I had an incredible experience of taking a picture that I felt perfectly captured me. I saw in that image the physical transformation that I’ve undergone this year. It reminds me of the overwhelming power of redemption. No matter how far gone we are, there’s always a way back.
Since Christmas, Alison and I have been working on our physical health. In one form or another, I’ve been doing this kind of work since 2011. This year, though, has been profoundly different. Working together, we’ve diligently stuck to our diet. In addition, I’m walking almost daily. The results are exactly what should be expected from a program of diet and exercise. I’m at my lowest weight in five years, and overall, I’m healthier than I was seven years ago.
The photograph has beautifully captured the transformation. In it, I see beauty. I see vibrance and life. I see a completely different man than I saw in the mirror last winter.
The kind of radical change that I’ve experienced in my physical appearance is possible with the state of my soul. No matter how cold, hard, or selfish I’ve become, a complete change is possible. It starts in the confessional through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It’s reinforced through the transformative Eucharist. It’s nurtured through a robust daily prayer life.
The care, health, and wellness of our soul is the work of a lifetime. The same elements that contribute to an improvement in physical health are required for the improvement of spiritual health. We need a solid blueprint, a clear-eyed goal, and daily diligence. I will never become a saint, or even know peace, unless I put in the work.