Preparing for Lent
Ash Wednesday is a little more than two weeks away. The joy of the Christmas season is fading as we prepare for forty days of fasting and penance. Not quite as exciting. The truth is, Lent isn’t gloomy at all. It’s like the Catholic New Year, an opportunity not to flippantly give up something, but rather to become better people.
St. Francis of Assisi was not the hippy that we make him out to be. He took an intentional, hard core approach to refining himself in the image and likeness of God. He did nothing half-way, and in fact, desired to endure humiliation and mortification than any of us would be willing to undergo. At the center of his belief, of his lifelong pursuit, was a spirit of constant renewal. He wanted to take each day and do the things necessary to make him a better follower of Christ than he was the day before.
We have to stumbling blocks in Lent. The first is perfectionism. Like at the new year, we set out a rigid schedule to radically reshape our spirituality and daily life. We plan out what we’ll give up and what we’ll add, only to fall apart by the first Friday. Then, having failed, we give up and let the opportunity of Lent pass us by.
Maybe we need a jolt, maybe we need to fix a spiritual sickness that we’ve ignored for too long. Far better to be focused and make progress than to overturn the cart under the weight of expectation.
The second stumbling block is the tyranny of the daily. Every Lenten observance should be practiced regularly, but not necessarily daily. If you never pray the Rosary now, setting a goal of praying it every day is going to be a real stretch. Making it a part of your regular habit of meditation or praying the Rosary with your family once a week might be a better fit.
The spirit of Lent is not the 40 day timetable with breaks on Sunday. The spirit of Lent is the same one shared by St. Francis, constant renewal. What is the one area of your spiritual life that needs a boost? Plan your Lent around that, and when Easter comes, keep renewing.
Consistency
About the time that dinner ends each evening, I crash. My energy runs out, and I want nothing more than to get the kids into bed and sit down. Bedtime is a special time for little ones, and a golden opportunity to wrap up your day. It’s hard to embrace it for what it is when you need a break.
On those nights when I’m particularly tired, I’m tempted to skip elements of bedtime. Whether it be brushing teeth, reading a story, singing a song, or even family prayers, I always tell myself the lie that we can just do it tomorrow. I easily believe that one night won’t make a difference, but in a way, it does.
Bedtime routines aren’t just about the boxes getting checked, it’s a time for us all to be together. It’s a time to take care of each other emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s a subtle signal to tired little bodies that the day is done and it’s time to dream of angels.
Being consistent as a parent is the hardest thing to do, but it’s the most important thing to do. Building a framework for your children’s days helps them to know where they are and where they stand. If you brush their teeth every morning and every evening, they know that it’s something important to do. The same is true with family prayers and reading a story.
Consistency requires energy, but more importantly, it requires discipline. Perhaps it’s time for me to look at my schedule and see how I can preserve energy for another 15 minutes at the end of their day to ensure a smooth transition into bed.
Normalcy
It’s the last week of January, which means just about everyone’s New Years resolutions are forgotten. Gyms have emptied out, restaurants have removed their healthy menu options, and budgets sit on computers never to be touched again. How did the hope of 2020 fade so quickly? For many, it was because their life change was built on the fallacy of normalcy.
I find it incredibly easy to sit down at my desk and write a vision for my ideal week. We’ll spend Monday cleaning, go on an adventure on Tuesday, visit the library and park on Wednesday, and so on. Having a plan is excellent, but what happens when I wake up on Monday morning to two sick kids? Eh, I’ll do my ideal week next Monday when things are perfect again.
That’s the trap.
Normal isn’t perfect. There’s no perfect week, ideal budget, or flawless workout plan. All of the things that we want to do happen within the context of life. Life is messy. Kids will be sick, your boss will put you in a bad mood, you’ll have to take an unexpected trip, you’ll get a bad night’s sleep, there will be an unexpected expense, you and your wife will fight, and someone will total your car while you’re trying to start a new business. Plans are upended almost as soon as they’re set.
Despite the waves of life, plans must be made. If you don’t plan to live a healthier life, or build a more robust interior life, or spend more time playing with your kids, you absolutely won’t do any of those things. You have to plan when you’d like to go for a walk, but be okay rescheduling for a different time during the day. You have to plan to pray, but be okay with changing the format when you grow bored and restless. You have to plan to play with your kids, even if you play in different ways with different groupings at different times.
If you can only build the better version of yourself when things are normal, that better version will always be out of reach. Get the work done, even if it’s imperfect and even if it’s not on schedule.
Cherish Your Children
After several months of vacation, I’ve gotten back into my routine of walking each morning before the kids get up. My day can be very exhausting, so by getting my mind and body right before the sun comes up, I’m better prepared to take on the challenges of being a stay-at-home parent.
In the big picture, it’s easy to say that I love my children, that I cherish them, and that I value them as human persons. In the day-to-day, it’s much more difficult. To be a parent is to be the ultimate servant. My name is invoked more times per minute than Alexa. Every day, I complete the same tasks, some of which are quite unpleasant, for the sake of their health and welfare.
If I cherish my children, and I want there to be no doubt of my love in their little minds and hearts, then I need to arrange my life to communicate that. They must come first in my day. When they’re awake, my time looking at a screen needs to be minimal. If I want to go on a walk without distraction, I need to do it while they’re fast asleep. Anything that I must accomplish needs to be scheduled so that I can involve them or do it while they’re playing or coloring.
It’s a tall order. In fact, it’s nearly impossible. Trying to meet this high standard regularly brings me to my breaking point. But my son won’t be six forever, and my daughter won’t be toddling for much longer. I can do anything for a short period of time. Plus. I’ll have all the time in the world to enjoy the silence and a slower pace when they’ve grown and moved out on their own. For today, for right now, I need to be rolling around on the floor with them.
Seeking Rest
As the stay-at-home parent in my family, I struggle with the tension of rest. There are some days when I feel completely drained and I can’t wait for Alison to walk in the door so that someone else can take over watching the kids. The dilemma is that I know that Alison has been busy working all day, too. How can I reconcile handing off the kids when I know that she’s been through more than me? What do you do when you feel exhausted and know there’s no break on the horizon?
I’ve found that with for growth leap and schedule change that my kids go through, I simply have to adapt. There are things that I must do. I must go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. I must eat three meals a day, plus a snack or two. I must drink water. Outside of those needs, the key to feeling rested is not what it seems.
When I feel too tired to pick up or clean the kitchen, that’s exactly what I need to do. I get a burst of energy from accomplishing something. Plus, I always feel better the next day when I don’t have to start by finishing up what I didn’t get done the day before. There’s something about a lack of clutter that is relaxing. The same is true for exercise. My preferred exercise is walking for an hour, or about 4 miles. That steady pace over the course of 60 minutes always leaves me pumped up for the day.
Rest is something deep; it’s finding a sense of peace. You can only get that peace when you fulfill your responsibilities and take care of your physical needs. That may mean waking up earlier, trying a different order of to-dos, or even including your kids in your wellness routine. Laziness likes to dress itself up as rest, but it’s a mistake to fall for that.
When you feel tired and you still have lots more to do, especially at the end of the day, find something that you love and incorporate into your tasks. Enjoy the uninterrupted time, listen to an audiobook or a podcast, or maybe even your parent-only dance mix. You might be surprised just how rested you feel the next morning.
Twenty Twenty Focus
The constant rushing of life can feel crushing. Like the overwhelming power of a waterfall, events and information come at me in a daily deluge. There’s so much to do, a set amount of time, and my energy levels are not always aligned to my workload. Last year, I began paying closer attention to the things to which I was giving my attention.
In the process of developing my sense of self-awareness, I recognized the peace that comes with meditation and prayer. Sitting still for even just 10 minutes at a time is a strange feeling. It’s an activity in which there’s nothing to do and no new information being presented to my brain. Distractions and thoughts percolate, but when I’m meditating, I have permission to not act.
Choosing to not act is a difficult one, especially when an idea presents itself. I’ll be meditating and wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow or I’ll remember some task left undone. Instinctively, I reach for my phone to check the weather or record the task. Through a decade of smartphone use, I’ve destabilized myself to the point where even in these brief periods of time that I’ve set aside for no distraction, I feel pulled to action.
When I have a migraine, the best thing that I can do for myself is to make a delicious meal. But when I have a migraine, the last thing that I want to do is spend the time and energy to prepare a delicious meal. The same is true for taking time for meditation. The days when I need it the most are the days that I feel the greatest resistance.
Meditation is popular right now, but meditation isn’t a life hack. Its purpose is connection, not creation. It’s communication, not consumption. Meditation is time set apart for personal, intimate conversation with God. Meditation is me taking God up on his multiple promises to give me rest.
My focus for 2020 is perfecting my fundamentals. Instead of focusing on achieving something new, I’m going to work on consistently doing those daily activities that cause me to live a more fulfilling life. Daily meditation is as fundamental as it gets.
A Remarkable Year
As I wrote in January about my grand plans for 2019, I laid out a vision for a totally new me. I recognized the malaise that I had fallen into over the past four years, caught up in the responsibilities of parenting. Though left unsaid, I was adrift in the ocean of technology, struggling to maintain focus and presence. I declared that 2019 would be different, not knowing the truth in that bold pronouncement.
In the past fifteen years of my life, none have been as categorically successful as 2019. Goals that I had worked towards for years came to fruition. I read 40 books, wrote and published a book, and lost 43 pounds. I cleared my entire backlog of books that I wanted to read. I’ve had to replace nearly every article of clothing that I own. My wardrobe now matches my style, and I feel good in them.
I never expected to lose the weight and I never expected to clear out my reading backlog. Now that I have tasted the sweetness of victory, I am a changed man.
2019 was remarkable for me in another way. The last decade brought about the smartphone revolution. I entered the decade by graduating college and starting work. I was a technophile, finding and using the best apps, subscribing to digital entertainment platforms, and immersed in the social media networks of the Internet.
Over the past twelve months, I’ve completed my transition to a technoskeptic. I’ve ended my relationship with all of the major social networks, choosing instead to exist digitally on my personal blog. I’ve deleted my Google account and wound down my business with Amazon. I’ve turned my iPhone into a dumb phone, putting it in its place as a communications device with the world’s best pocket camera inside. I rarely watch television.
I’ve become suspicious of the endless promises of technology. I’ve experienced the price that it exacts for convenience. Instead of giving it carte blanche in my life, I rigorously defend my time and attention, only allowing technology to assist me on my terms.
While I did not fully achieve my vision of a more present father to my children, on top of my domestic responsibilities, I made great strides. The changes that I’ve made, the systems that I’ve implemented, and the progress of 2019 set me up for success to do just that in 2020.
The Joy of the Season
In the blink of an eye, the end of 2019 is just over a week away and we’re at the threshold of the Christmas season. What better way to crown the year than with the joy of Christmas. The joy is so complete that a single 24-hour time period cannot contain it. We’ve spent four weeks in hopeful anticipation and will celebrate the feast for nineteen days.
I hope that your Christmas season is filled with joy, and that Christ will be welcomed into your heart and home. Merry Christmas!
Not from Scratch
I woke up at my normal time on Saturday morning, went for my walk, came home, and got ready for the day. I walked into the kitchen at about the same time that I normally do each morning. The only difference from any other weekday on that cold December morning is that my whole family was still fast asleep in their warm beds. I pulled out a box of muffin mix and spent twenty minutes baking a dozen fresh blueberry muffins.
The mix was less than $2 at the grocery store, and the directions consisted of me putting paper muffin liners in the muffin pan, mixing three ingredients with a spoon, and putting the whole thing in the oven. I didn’t have to wake up before dawn to pull off this fresh breakfast, nor did I use an old family recipe. It was a simple deviation in my schedule that put a delicious treat on our Saturday morning breakfast table.
It’s easy to feel paralyzed when you want to do something nice for your family. Between HGTV, the Food Network, and all of your social feeds, you’re inundated with perfection, made from scratch projects and food dishes. Maybe you’ve even tried in the past to treat your family with something from one of those shows or pictures, only for your final project to look not at all like theirs.
Perfection is mythology; don’t need to reinvent the wheel just to do something nice for your family. A box of muffin mix after baking results in the same end product as pulling out eight different ingredients to make them from scratch. When you sit down at the table, you’re eating a muffin. The point is that you baked muffins, not how you put the batter together.
Life is complicated enough. Making an effort is what’s important. Make the effort.
Everybody Helps
At the beginning of 2019, I sat down to think about annual themes for my family. I wanted to have a lens through which we’d filter our daily life, especially our activities. Taking care of three kids and managing the household puts a lot on my plate. As my kids have grown, I haven’t done a good job involving them in the chores that maintaining a household requires. It’s time for that to change.
One of the themes, which I’m only now employing, is “Everybody Helps.” We can’t all do the same thing, but we can all do something.
My father-in-law came for a visit last week. In the lead up to his arrival, I had workers in the house rehabbing my shower. We also had just arrived home from our Thanksgiving travels. The house was a complete mess and I had less than four hours to get everything back in order.
Benedict and Felicity were excited for their grandfather’s arrival, and they were in the mood to help. While I was working, they each came up and asked if I had a job for them. I couldn’t ask them to clean the bathroom, but I could ask them to empty the trash. I could also ask them to put things away, or move things between rooms.
They excitedly ran off, did their job, and came back, asking for their next job. I broke down my bigger jobs into singular tasks and assigned them out. As soon as we finished, our guest of honor arrived.
Certainly my kids were excited to help get our house ready, but there was a deeper lesson in there for both of us. I learned that they’re perfectly capable of helping me with my chores and they learned the value of work. They felt useful, productive, and a part of their family. They deserve to have that feeling more often.