A Remarkable Year
As I wrote in January about my grand plans for 2019, I laid out a vision for a totally new me. I recognized the malaise that I had fallen into over the past four years, caught up in the responsibilities of parenting. Though left unsaid, I was adrift in the ocean of technology, struggling to maintain focus and presence. I declared that 2019 would be different, not knowing the truth in that bold pronouncement.
In the past fifteen years of my life, none have been as categorically successful as 2019. Goals that I had worked towards for years came to fruition. I read 40 books, wrote and published a book, and lost 43 pounds. I cleared my entire backlog of books that I wanted to read. I’ve had to replace nearly every article of clothing that I own. My wardrobe now matches my style, and I feel good in them.
I never expected to lose the weight and I never expected to clear out my reading backlog. Now that I have tasted the sweetness of victory, I am a changed man.
2019 was remarkable for me in another way. The last decade brought about the smartphone revolution. I entered the decade by graduating college and starting work. I was a technophile, finding and using the best apps, subscribing to digital entertainment platforms, and immersed in the social media networks of the Internet.
Over the past twelve months, I’ve completed my transition to a technoskeptic. I’ve ended my relationship with all of the major social networks, choosing instead to exist digitally on my personal blog. I’ve deleted my Google account and wound down my business with Amazon. I’ve turned my iPhone into a dumb phone, putting it in its place as a communications device with the world’s best pocket camera inside. I rarely watch television.
I’ve become suspicious of the endless promises of technology. I’ve experienced the price that it exacts for convenience. Instead of giving it carte blanche in my life, I rigorously defend my time and attention, only allowing technology to assist me on my terms.
While I did not fully achieve my vision of a more present father to my children, on top of my domestic responsibilities, I made great strides. The changes that I’ve made, the systems that I’ve implemented, and the progress of 2019 set me up for success to do just that in 2020.
The Joy of the Season
In the blink of an eye, the end of 2019 is just over a week away and we’re at the threshold of the Christmas season. What better way to crown the year than with the joy of Christmas. The joy is so complete that a single 24-hour time period cannot contain it. We’ve spent four weeks in hopeful anticipation and will celebrate the feast for nineteen days.
I hope that your Christmas season is filled with joy, and that Christ will be welcomed into your heart and home. Merry Christmas!
Not from Scratch
I woke up at my normal time on Saturday morning, went for my walk, came home, and got ready for the day. I walked into the kitchen at about the same time that I normally do each morning. The only difference from any other weekday on that cold December morning is that my whole family was still fast asleep in their warm beds. I pulled out a box of muffin mix and spent twenty minutes baking a dozen fresh blueberry muffins.
The mix was less than $2 at the grocery store, and the directions consisted of me putting paper muffin liners in the muffin pan, mixing three ingredients with a spoon, and putting the whole thing in the oven. I didn’t have to wake up before dawn to pull off this fresh breakfast, nor did I use an old family recipe. It was a simple deviation in my schedule that put a delicious treat on our Saturday morning breakfast table.
It’s easy to feel paralyzed when you want to do something nice for your family. Between HGTV, the Food Network, and all of your social feeds, you’re inundated with perfection, made from scratch projects and food dishes. Maybe you’ve even tried in the past to treat your family with something from one of those shows or pictures, only for your final project to look not at all like theirs.
Perfection is mythology; don’t need to reinvent the wheel just to do something nice for your family. A box of muffin mix after baking results in the same end product as pulling out eight different ingredients to make them from scratch. When you sit down at the table, you’re eating a muffin. The point is that you baked muffins, not how you put the batter together.
Life is complicated enough. Making an effort is what’s important. Make the effort.
Everybody Helps
At the beginning of 2019, I sat down to think about annual themes for my family. I wanted to have a lens through which we’d filter our daily life, especially our activities. Taking care of three kids and managing the household puts a lot on my plate. As my kids have grown, I haven’t done a good job involving them in the chores that maintaining a household requires. It’s time for that to change.
One of the themes, which I’m only now employing, is “Everybody Helps.” We can’t all do the same thing, but we can all do something.
My father-in-law came for a visit last week. In the lead up to his arrival, I had workers in the house rehabbing my shower. We also had just arrived home from our Thanksgiving travels. The house was a complete mess and I had less than four hours to get everything back in order.
Benedict and Felicity were excited for their grandfather’s arrival, and they were in the mood to help. While I was working, they each came up and asked if I had a job for them. I couldn’t ask them to clean the bathroom, but I could ask them to empty the trash. I could also ask them to put things away, or move things between rooms.
They excitedly ran off, did their job, and came back, asking for their next job. I broke down my bigger jobs into singular tasks and assigned them out. As soon as we finished, our guest of honor arrived.
Certainly my kids were excited to help get our house ready, but there was a deeper lesson in there for both of us. I learned that they’re perfectly capable of helping me with my chores and they learned the value of work. They felt useful, productive, and a part of their family. They deserve to have that feeling more often.
Humble Service
Life as a stay-at-home dad was nothing like I expected. For the first two years, with only a toddler to watch, I was bored. As my family grew, I quickly became overwhelmed. Juggling care for the kids and managing the house proved to be a bigger challenge than I could’ve ever imagined. I spent five years trying to find my identity, when it was right in front of me the entire time.
My writing has always been very personal. I write about things in my life and the questions that I wrestle with. I write about my experiences as a way of processing the events of my day, and as a way of helping you. I hope that the lessons that I learn as a husband and as a dad will help you.
On Tuesday, I’m releasing my newest book, _Humble Service_. In seven years of writing, this is by far the best work that I’ve created. In it, I articulate a philosophy of fatherhood and the theological underpinnings of fatherhood. I share my daily schedule and the tools that I use. Perhaps most importantly, this book explores what it means to be a stay-at-home dad. The title is the perfect summation of my role: humble service.
My identity is intricately connected to who I am as a stay-at-home dad. I’m a father who’s actively involved in his family’s life. I’m a husband who’s the critical support for my wife so that she can go to work in the morning and make a difference in the world. I’m a man who’s capable of handling any domestic task with skill. I’m an irreplaceable part of my family’s life. My daily, quiet, humble service helps my family navigate the twists and turns of life.
I wrote this book in the same spirit that I wrote _The Transition_. It’s a guidebook for men who are coming down this trail behind me. More and more men are taking on the daily responsibility of care for their children and their homes. I assembled my best insights into one collective work so that these men don’t have to spend years feeling lost. This is the book to help men plan out their life as a stay-at-home dad. I hope that it will help them to assume the mantle of leadership with confidence and direction.
Families need fathers. They need their leadership, their support, and their active participation in their daily life. To the men who take the road less traveled, who sacrifice their own career aspirations for the good of their family and who assume the humble service of life as as stay-at-home dad, this book is for you.
_Humble Service: Leading Your Family as a Stay-at-Home Dad is a available on November 26th on Amazon in paperback and for Kindle, and on the Apple Books store._
Poverty
I had a dream a few months ago that my family and I were refugees. My dream was vivid. We arrived in a camp with only the clothes on our backs. We were lodged in a plywood dorm, sparsely decorated, and filled with rough characters. Wildfires burned in the vicinity, adding peril to our already difficult journey. We’ve become desensitized over the past decade to the plight of migrants.
What really struck me in that dream was the desperation of our situation. We went from a safe, stable, predictable life to one in which I couldn’t even guarantee the safety of my family. We had literally nothing.
The mass migration from Africa and the Middle East continues. Central Americans continue to journey north in search of peace and security. To many of us, the issue is academic; it’s a question of policy. To these people, the journey is fraught with danger.
As we approach Advent and Christmas, my thoughts have turned to the Holy Family. They were Jewish refugees, fleeing from violence and danger at home, to live abroad in Egypt. Their journey was like that of the modern migrant.
I take the comforts of my life for granted. When we need food or supplies, I simply go to Walmart and get what we need. The shelves are full of items, and our pantry never runs empty. My children don’t wonder when their next meal will be served. There are far too many people, even in developed countries, who don’t share in that comfort.
Advent, like Lent, is a season of penance and almsgiving. Donating to a food pantry, or making a financial contribution to a charity working with migrants and the displaced, makes a difference. We have the power to ease the suffering of our neighbors.
On Retreat
I made my first private retreat in twelve years last weekend. I left all of my electronics at home, and after dinner on Friday night, drove off into the darkness to the retreat center. I had no responsibilities, no commitments on my time, and for the most part, no clock. Even better, I was the only person on retreat on the grounds for the weekend. The peace and rejuvenation that solitude brought me is exactly what I needed.
I, like you, spend most of my days plugged in. I have dozens of commitments to attend to, responsibilities to fulfill, and appointments on my calendar. Even the demands of maintaining basic order in my household take a lot out of me. Taking time to focus on myself, and building up my interior life, is essential to my wellbeing. It’s also a recipe for a more successful fatherhood.
There were several times over the weekend when I felt an impulse to reach for my devices. Feeling that physical reaction, I came to better understand my relationship with them. It gave me the opportunity to pause and understand why I was feeling that way. The freedom to be alone with my thoughts was the best part of my weekend.
It was a wonderful weekend, and I got out of it exactly what I had hoped. I feel rested, relaxed, and ready to take on the daily challenges I have as a stay-at-home dad. I’ll just be sure to not wait another twelve years before making my next retreat.
Servant Leadership
Many people want the title, pomp, and circumstance that comes with leadership. They crave the seniority, the deference, the perks, the reserved parking spot, and the corner office. Few want the responsibility. Leadership is about serving, not being served. As a true servant leader, Jesus taught us that. He didn’t seek praise or preferential treatment. Instead, He did the things that no one else wanted to do. He spoke to people that others looked down upon and He challenged every social norm. He challenged us in order to lead us to Truth. He was a servant leader all the way to the cross.
Everything that you do throughout the day should be seen through the lens of service. That vision includes tasks that you enjoy and those that you detest. When you’re bored, agitated, lonely, or exhausted, keep pushing forward. Your kids may not say anything, and they may not seem to notice, but they see everything. Your sons are forming the idea of the father that they ought to be. Your daughters are painting a picture of their future spouse.
It can be overwhelming to acknowledge that every action you take is analyzed so deeply. What about when you make a mistake or fall down? Imperfection is part of the human experience and your children are watching to see how you react. Will you apologize and make amends? Will you give up and fall further? You’re teaching them how they should respond to their own faults and failures.
You’re the leader of your household and your family. Your attitude, behavior, and language sets the tone in your home. A warm, loving, safe, and welcoming environment hinges, in large part, on you. Servant leaders build communities and spaces that make a house feel like a home. A selfish little boy trapped in a man’s body can never build that kind of home for his family.
Developing into a servant leader is the work of a lifetime. It’s a habit that must be practiced, and refined, daily. There will be plenty of successes, and more than a few misses. Never become discouraged; change and renewal is always possible. Make better choices each day and stay faithful to that commitment.
Spiritual Health
Spirituality is an integral part of what it means to be a human person. Ignore your physical health, and your emotional wellbeing suffers. Ignore your intellectual health, and your relationships will suffer. Your spirituality is no different. Each component of your personhood needs individualized attention. They all work in concert with one another to form the human person.
It should be emphasized that faith is indeed a gift. Our human hearts, like a radio receiver, are attuned to the voice of God in our lives. Our hearts yearn to follow the law that He inscribed on them. At the same time, our hearts can be turned off, or turned to a different station. Understanding and accepting faith is a challenge for each one of us. It’s a lifetime struggle with seasons of abundance and desolation. It’s a gift worth giving, and one that must be willingly accepted.
The first order of business in your personal faith journey is an evaluation of your interior life. The prolific author Matthew Kelly writes that where your mind goes, your actions will follow. Digital devices drown out our personal thoughts. We reach for them to fill every down moment of the day. Tremendous virtue, growth, and self-reflection can come from limiting their presence in your life.
When you have time for your mind to work and think, it’s best to let it roam where it wishes. This stream of consciousness will inevitably lead you to ponder life’s big questions. The true nature and concerns of your heart will bubble to the surface. These insights will inform your prayer life.
Prayer is another area where I would encourage you to discount any preconceived notions. In my own experience, a solid and reliable prayer life requires variety. If you were to set out to exercise every day, but only allowed yourself to run on a treadmill for an hour with no media, how long would it take before you quit? If you were given a diet that had you eating the same breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday, how long would you last? If you were assigned a particular devotional as your primary form of prayer, how long would it be before you gave up your faith altogether?
Variety is the spice of life, and so it should be with your spiritual life. Experiment by going to different parishes and Masses, try new devotionals, join a Bible study, or do your own with the Catholic Study Bible. Take an hour to go to Eucharistic Adoration or pray the Rosary while you go for a walk in your neighborhood. By changing your prayer routine often, you’ll experience the breadth of the Church and the serenity that a close relationship with God brings.
Reaching A Goal
I still remember it vividly. I stepped on to the scale one winter morning to see a three digit number that scared me: 207 lbs. I was six months out of college, living on my own, and suddenly in the worst physical condition of my life. How did it come to this? I was still learning how to live, but something needed to change. I bought my first Fitbit, and started on an eight year journey to get my weight back to a healthy range.
I’ve gone through many cycles over these eight years. I’ve gotten married, had kids, moved three times, and lived through all of the changes that one does in nearly a decade of life. Looking at a graph of my weight, I can see those seasons clearly illustrated. The gradual decline on my year of walking every single day and the mountains of weight gain that stress and instability added.
But 2019 was my year. Alison and I, working together, did something that even during my best periods of weight loss I never believed possible. I’ve reached that goal that I set for myself on that winter morning in my bathroom, half the country away.
I’ve reached another point of transition. Now that I’ve reached my goal, how do I maintain it? The natural inclination is to simply revert to old habits. I’ve reached my goal, so now I should reach for a big bowl of ice cream. But that’s a recipe for another mountain.
No matter the goal, whether it’s physical, relational, intellectual, or spiritual, the point of the journey is to learn the lessons needed to maintain success. We go through a trial to learn what works, and what doesn’t. We know what life our current choices give us, but if we change those choices, could we have a life that better reflects our values?
If we reach a goal, only to revert to our old ways, what was the point of the sacrifice? Why do the work, if you’re only going to squander the reward?
Goals give us focus and clarity. They challenge us to become a better version of ourselves. Goals are important, but it is the journey that counts. A master teacher, the journey guides us and challenges us to persist. We struggle, fail, fight, learn, and only then, we win.
The new year is only months away, and you might now be thinking about the changes that you wish to make in your life. Set the goal, understand the result that you wish to achieve, but pay close attention to the journey.