A Father’s Love
What is the measure of a good father? Is it the serenity in his house, the manicured lawn, or perhaps just food on the table every evening? All men contemplate their self-worth. This is an intellectual process that naturally occurs in life. The easiest answer is in the economic value that they produce for their family. While helpful, a utilitarian approach denies the most important contribution a father makes. The true value of a father is his love.
Men show love in many ways that fall outside the common notion of affection. A birthday gift of a pocketknife for his wife may be, in his mind, the best gift he can give. He sees the knife as an omnipresent tool, ready to jump in and help from the most menial tasks to those where life and property are under threat. To his wife receiving this gift, he may be the tool.
What men may fail to express in words, they express in action. In the early minutes of the day or as the evening’s twilight fades, he lifts his family up in prayer. Little girls often find themselves on their dad’s lap, quietly watching a movie or reading a book. Sons may receive exclusive invitations to outdoor adventures or even just trips into towns. Wives drive clean cars and enjoy a carefully tended to lawn.
The true measure of a man, and his success as a father, begins simply. It’s his presence. In words and deeds, on good days and bad, he’s there, ready to give his family whatever they need.
Sprinting
Alison and I will celebrate our nine-year anniversary this fall. It’s been a very full and busy nine years. In fact, many of the plans that we set for ourselves way back then are just now coming to fruition. As the light at the end of the tunnel comes into view, we’re sprinting to the finish.
We took a personality assessment earlier this year and were reminded of how similar we are, especially in terms of planning. We both look to the future at the risk of missing the present. Forward-thinking is a critical life skill, it enables us to make the right decisions today that set us on a path to where we want to go. It can also cause us to miss the wonder and beauty right in front of us.
Long-term goals are challenging to stick with, but they tend to be the most important ones in our lives. Along the way, especially in the lonely middle, it’s tempting to get lazy or even give up. The hope for a better tomorrow starts to wane. But as the end draws near, hope springs eternal.
We’re about to accomplish some fantastic things, and the sprint has us making sacrifices that we weren’t willing to make in the middle. It’s exhilarating and the victory is going to be so sweet. Sprinting is fun.
Faith Enrichment
The Catholic faith offers many wonderful experiences and expressions. Pilgrimages, devotionals, even listening to a great sermon. Yesterday was the feast of Corpus Christi and there may have been a Eucharistic Procession at your parish or in your town.
As a parent of young children, I know that now is the time to plant in their minds the importance of faith. Church is a wonderful place, and it’s a place that they belong. The struggle with young children is that they have very short attention spans, and their mood swings like a barn door. So while there may be many opportunities to enrich their faith, parents sometimes have to pick their battles.
Our priest organized a Eucharistic procession around the parish grounds immediately after Mass. Four altars were set up and as we processed, we stopped for a scripture reading, prayer, and blessing at each one. Even better, the procession happened between the last English Mass and first Spanish Mass of the day, so it was a bilingual procession. The Parish, normally separated into two language-based communities, prayed as one.
It was a long Mass, followed by a long procession. All told, we were at Church for three hours, some of it walking outside in the heat and sun. But the kids were there, praying, and experiencing the richness of their faith.
Raising kids is not easy, and parenting is entirely tiresome. The temptation is to take the path of least resistance. If we want our kids to grow up into mature adults who take ownership of their faith, we need to go the extra mile in exposing them to it while they’re young.
Team
I’ve been out of school for more than a decade. Alison and I have four kids, own our home, and educate our children. We live far away from our families, so it’s just the six of us. While I’m still a young man, I’m a young man with grown-up responsibilities.
I was out on my walk the other day, when I realized just how much better my life is because Alison and I are on the same team. It’s not nominal, it’s practical. We work together carrying the responsibilities of our household, we pick up the slack for each other when needed. It’s a wonderful thing.
Marriage is broadly misunderstood, either as a committed friendship or some sort of business arrangement. There’s something very romantic about teamwork that’s so natural that it’s almost imperceptible. We’re a team in every sense of the word.
Kill the Golden Calf
Everyone hates the polarized culture, but no one wants to give an inch. We blame the other side as the source of all of our problems. Perhaps we should try seeing their point of view as being valid. The friction that keeps us from accomplishing anything meaningful together isn’t the mindless droll, it’s our obsession with our golden calves.
Political arguments always begin with everyone planting their flags. Oftentimes, it seems like the argument gets as far as opening arguments and then completely stalls. We think it makes us people of integrity, that we have our view points and will not move off them, but really, it makes us foolish.
There’s a real difference between being blinded by ideology and having a sincere belief. In fact, I think that we must have issues that we refuse to change positions on, but only on the biggest and most important of issues. Tax policy holds a different moral weight than life issues.
When you strip away the rhetoric and the one-liners, we can actually find a great deal of common ground. We can take opportunities to work together, to give a little, and to agree to a compromise that takes us both closer to where we want to be.
When everything is a golden calf, nothing gets done.
Invest Today
My knowledge as a parent goes only as far as my oldest child. I know how to deal with young kids, but am clueless about pre-teens, teens, and beyond. I understand that the journey of a parent is about growing and nurturing a child to become a healthy, functional adult. There are plenty of pitfalls along the path to autonomy and independence. I can only control so many variables because, in the end, my goal is not control. Like God, I do not want robot children. I want children who can stand on their own two feet, live up to their potential, contribute meaningfully to society, and live a fruitful life.
If I can’t control what influences my children will come under in the decades to come, I need to invest in them today. My job as a parent is to prepare them to live a moral life. That is not the easy path, especially today when even the most elemental facts of the human person are in dispute. I can’t shield and protect them always, but I can plant the seeds that will take root before the poison enters the soil.
We live in a busy world full of distractions, most notably the electronic rectangles that hang on our walls, sit on our desks, rest on our kitchen counters, and go with us everywhere in our pockets. If I want to raise those healthy, functional adults, I need to take the time to invest in my children and our relationship today.
In the Backyard
This is our first house with a fence. A simple wooden structure that encloses our backyard doesn’t seem like much. In fact, it was built years ago and no one ever stained it. To me, it provides a safe place to let the children run free while I supervise through the kitchen windows. To my kids, it’s the boundary around their kingdom.
As I sit here at the kitchen table with my laptop, the big kids are out back playing. It’s a beautiful spring day with a clear blue sky. A large, leafy tree is giving the backyard plenty of shade. Looking out the window, I see my kids running back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. We have a toy bin on the deck that occasionally gets used, but for the most part, they just run around.
My three-year-old girl is seeking refuge under a tree, while her big sister walks around picking flowers and looking for little creatures. It looks like she found a caterpillar that she’s gingerly carrying around to show everyone. My son is running laps, no doubt on a grand imaginary expedition.
There’s soft music on the speaker playing here in the kitchen, the laundry running in the background. Other than that, it’s quiet.
Being an at-home dad, I have hours each day with my kids. They’re constantly looking to me for guidance, direction, and programming. That’s a great thing, but it’s also great for them to have their space. It’s a great thing for them to turn on their imaginations and to be curious about the world around them. It’s a great thing for them to be out in creation, free to do as they please. They run, they hunt, they explore, they play, they connect.
When they come inside, their little cheeks will be all flush. In those minutes that they spent in the backyard, they were whatever they wanted to be and exactly who they are. Backyards are special places.
Weakness
“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9
As a part of my study of St. Joseph and his life, I picked up a copy of Pope Francis’ Apostolic Letter Patris Corde (With a Father’s Heart) that was released in December. In the letter, the Holy Father established this year as the Year of St. Joseph. While reading through, I came across this passage from the second letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians.
Jesus’ words to Paul really struck me. Even in our victim culture, weakness is a negative. Claiming victim status is an assertive position, a way to ironically claim power over another. Weakness is something to be avoided, and yet it’s unavoidable. The nature of the human person is weakness.
What does it mean for power to be made perfect in weakness? It reminds me of Socrates. His intellectual prowess is undisputed, but he claimed to know nothing. Thomas Aquinas, after a mystical experience, said his theological writings were like straw. These two men provided the intellectual underpinnings for Western thought through thousands of years, and they did so by embracing their weakness.
The power of the human person, fully alive, is only unleashed when in proper relationship with God. By taking our place in service to God, we can be His instrument in our world. All good gifts come from Him; we are His body, His hands, His feet. We feed the hungry, help the oppressed, console the hurting. We do this all through our weakness because He gives us the grace and the strength to carry out His saving mission.
When we accept and embrace our weakness, we make our hearts and minds one with God. We seek to do His Will, and are more ready to accept the graces that we need to carry out His plan. Pride is a deadly sin, the antidote to which are the virtues of humility and weakness. God did not make us to be strong on our own, but to be channels of His grace for our hurting world.
Two Weeks
I was on a roll back in late January. I refocused on my physical health sooner in the calendar year than normal and had a nice streak built up. Then came the deep freeze. What began as a pause turned into a full-blown rout. After weeks of inactivity and poor eating, I was feeling the pain.
There’s so much to learn about yourself and your physical health. Guidelines and rules of thumb abound, but physical health is one of the most personal things in our world. My body is unique and so while I may follow personalized health advice, I will have a different experience than anyone else.
One truism that I’ve learned in years of observing my physical health is that when I’m feeling my worst, I’m 14 days away from starting to recapture that physical health. Two weeks of a solid sleep cycle and walking four miles before sunrise and I start to get my energy back.
The problem with that reality is that the first two weeks of any routine are always the hardest. As you build a streak, that momentum pushes you forward. It’s easier to have a cheat day on day 3 than on day 73.
The other truism about our health is that, like our world, it has a quality of impermanence. Your health is a moving target, always improving or declining. There is no stasis when it comes to wellbeing.
And so, I present this reminder in a long string of reminders about physical health that have appeared on this blog over the past eight years. Physical health is the building block of life, and it’s something that you have to get up and fight for every single day.
Bribe
There’s a truth that is never clear in the mind of a child: everything a parent does is for a reason. They rarely can see the bigger picture, so an individual request (command?) is easily resisted. They miss the love that is behind the guidance laid out by their parents.
I love my children and want what’s best for them. Patience is not a virtue that I have in great supply, but on some subjects, I am quite patient. When my patience expires, it’s time to change my strategy. Occasionally, that strategy is a well-placed bribe.
As the eldest of four children, my son hasn’t quite grasped his standing among his siblings. If he understood just how much his younger sisters follow his example and leadership, he might be tempted to use it for his personal gain. While it’s amusing to observe, it can cut both ways.
Like many kids, he prefers not to try new foods. He has his core rotation and never ventures far from it. Unbeknownst to him, the moment he refuses food, his sisters follow suit. Talk about frustrating.
No parent wants to spoil their children, but after all the work that goes into planning, shopping for, and preparing a dinner, it can be a little much. We’ve tried strategy after strategy for years, and it was time for a change. Alison and I tried to bribe them with rewards for clean plate awards. To our great delight, it worked!
My middle daughter declared me the “greatest chef ever,” and now they ask me for the previous night’s dinner at lunch. Frittatas, chicken cordon blue, they love it all!
Sadly, it didn’t stick. The kids collected their prizes, and we’re back to the trenches. I don’t think that we failed, I think it’s simply another bump in the road. Despite their refusal to try anything new as of late, we did get them to try several new dishes. I’m also happy when they ask for me to make some of those favorites again.
I think that children should do the right thing because it’s what’s asked of them. But now and then, it’s okay to hold out a carrot and see what happens.