Catholic Husband

My wife and I don’t have cable. We are currently on the Dave Ramsey plan and, well, we don’t really need it. Instead, like many households today, we simply have subscriptions to Netflix and Hulu+. A few months ago, The Office had a line mentioning Downton Abbey.

I had never seen an episode, but there seemed to be a lot of talk about it. Finally, my wife and I watched an episode. Then another, then all of Season 1 and 2. We have just recently started watching Season 3 and are loving it.

Truthfully, sometimes while watching the show, I wonder if watching is something a man should be doing. In our culture, for men especially, there are certain things that are okay for us to be interested in, and some things that are not okay. I’m thinking Downton Abbey falls on the wrong side of the line, but I’m not sure.

The thing I am sure about, however, is that Downton Abbey is a great tool for teaching men how to be better husbands.

There is something sexy about chivalry. I think it is fair to say that most women believe it should be the standard, not the exception. Watching Downton Abbey, men today can find unique ways to woo the woman that they love. Most notably perhaps, is the mail. Pay attention to how the characters pour over their letters. It is a universal fact that women love receiving love letters. Remember, courtship doesn’t stop at “I do.” Of course, this is just the beginning of ideas.

So, gentlemen, have an evening in with your lady this week and watch Downton Abbey… and learn. You just might like the results.

Growing up, every day, my parents used to require that each of the kids read a book for 30 minutes per day. We called this, “Reading Time.” I hated it. There were so many different things that I wanted to do; I wanted to play, to run outside, anything except do something so boring as reading. It took me until just a few months ago to realize the utter importance of reading. I finally understood that reading opens up entire new worlds to me. In fact, it has almost gotten to the point where I would rather read than play. Point: Mom and Dad.

I work for a non-profit and I spend almost all of my time sharing our mission with people in the community. I have had the opportunity to meet many unique people in the three years since I’ve graduated from college. I have met people from all walks of life and have found myself in the offices of influential community members. After a few of those meetings, I have found myself asking if my company should really be allowing me to go out and represent them to such influential people, surely there is someone else more qualified that should be doing this. After coming to the realization that it is up to me to inspire others to join us, I decided that I needed to learn more.

For the past several months, I have been devouring business books. I have been trying to learn about customer service, productivity, personal selling, and any other topic that I thought relevant. I started subscribing to blogs (which got me going on this one), listening to podcasts and finding out who is out there doing things right. I have learned a lot and have enjoyed the experience. Then, however, I started seeing other books that I wanted to read. While on the Knights of Columbus website Fathers for Good, I saw that they had a reading list of great books for dads and Catholic men. I checked out their marriage page and started reading those books.

After getting halfway through the first marriage book, it hit me: being married is like having the ultimate customer service job. Dr. Gary Smalley, in his book “If Only He Knew,”emphasized the point that if husbands would do whatever they could to make their wives happy, that those acts would inspire their wives to reciprocate. That is not to say, however, that husbands should serve well for their own ends. The point that he was trying to make is that wives respond in kind to acts of love. I realized that my “job” is to give my wife the best customer service of her life!

You may have heard that being married isn’t very fun and that your spouse will drive you crazy. That statement is true, if you let them. Every time we interact with our loved ones, we make a choice in how we react to what they say or do. For example, I used to really let it get to me when my wife would leave her clothes all over the floor or not put her dishes in the dishwasher. Then, after realizing that it was my job to serve my wife well, I decided to stop letting those things bother me… as much. Instead of begrudgingly putting away her clothes or angrily doing the dishes, I saw it as an opportunity to serve her well.

After a few times making the choice to serve lovingly, she responded and our harmony grew. So, naturally, I took it to the next level. My wife is in Medical School and is currently doing rotations at a local hospital. She is working strange hours, sometimes coming home to bed late at night. Before I would go to bed, I would think about things that I could do to make her coming home more pleasant. I’d put a foot warmer at the foot of her side of the bed, I’d take her pjs from the bed and put them in a room where she could have light while preparing for bed. I came to enjoy it more and more.

With my career, I spend my days serving the community through the work and mission of my organization. I have great professional pride in what I do and get a great sense of self-worth from my work. I took those same principles and began to serve my wife well. I don’t like fighting with my wife because we are terrible at fighting. So, if there is an investment I can make in her to reap a harvest of harmony and love, I’ll do it. If there are attitudes and behaviors that I can change to make it easier for her to love me, I’ll do it.

If you want to learn about how to be a great husband (or a great wife!), it’s easy. Don’t spend too much time reading marriage books, read books about customer service, go home and serve well!

What’s the secret to a successful marriage?

Trust your wife.

Trust your wife when the storms brew and trouble is on the horizon.

When the money is tight, trust your wife.

When you are having struggles at work, trust your wife.

Your wife was created specifically for you, and you for her. She will offset your weaknesses and enhance your strengths.

Your wife is your best friend, most loyal companion, and most trusted ally.

Who can find a woman of worth? Far beyond jewels is her value. Her husband trusts her judgment; he does not lack income. She brings him profit, not loss, all the days of her life. (Prov 31:10-12)

Contraception is a lie. 

The pitch is simple. You’re a young, hip, independent woman. You have the right to have sex with anyone that you want, at any time. However, pregnancy is a mistake and will put a damper on your fun. So, take these pills, and you won’t have to worry.

The problem is, you’re doing more damage than you know.

I have no experience with artificial contraceptives. My wife and I decided that they aren’t for us. You see, I love my wife. I’m of the opinion that she is simply above them. She’s too good for pumping her body full of hormones and chemicals. The decision is much easier when we can go organic.

Natural Family Planning (NFP) is the antidote to the Contraception Generation. NFP is actually even more simple than contraceptives. Your wife pays attention to her naturally occurring fertility signs, logs them into a chart, and  you’re done. That chart will tell you when you can actually achieve pregnancy and when you can’t. NFP is 99% effective and completely science-based.

NFP is 100% organic. There is nothing to take. Nothing to put into your wife’s system. There are no side effects to NFP and, unlike contraceptives on the market today, she can’t die from it. 

NFP actually works to enhance the dignity of the human person. Instead of reducing your wife to a sexual object, NFP respects the role of human sexuality in a marriage. If you are not trying to achieve a pregnancy, you abstain from sex during a period of time during your wife’s cycle. That abstaining causes you to long for her even more, making sex that much more fulfilling.

Divorce is sadly very prevalent these days. In the United States, the average divorce rate is 50%. Do you know what the divorce rate is among couples practicing NFP? According to Dr. Denise Hunnell, the divorce rate among couple who practice NFP is around 5%. 5%?! Clearly, there is something deeper at play here.

Natural Family Planning is organic child planning. Organic child planning is sexy. It celebrates who you are as a human person and respects your sexuality. It respects your dignity by presenting an opportunity for you to act like an adult in control, not an animal out of control. 

Side effects of NFP may include stronger marital bond, increased marital harmony, increased sense of self-worth. Side effects of contraceptives may include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, gingivitis, increased or decreased appetite, weight gain or loss, brown or black skin patches, acne, hair growth in unusual places, painful or missed periods, severe headache, speech problems, dizziness, weakness or numbness of an arm or leg, crushing chest pain, coughing up blood, shortness of breath, leg pain, partial or complete loss of vision, double vision, bulging eyes, severe stomach pain, yellowing of the skin or eyes, extreme tiredness, weakness, or lack of energy, fever, depression, unusual bleeding, or rash.

Your call.

I am not a prideful man. Whenever I must observe myself or a behavior, if the answer is that I am in the right, I instantly question that judgement. I want to make sure that my judgement calls do not cause me appear foolish.

One of the biggest concepts that I struggle with is, “Your wife is always right.” I make plenty of mistakes, I recognize that. Yet, such an absolute statement must have a flaw somewhere. After all, if the wife is always right, what value does the husband bring to the table?

As men, we face a crisis in Society. We are at the butt of jokes in movies and sitcoms. The father is an idiot and the mother and children are always wise. This is not who we are called to be! We are called to be the hero of our family. We aren’t the court jester, we are the head of the household, charged with the care and protection of those under our roof.

How do we reconcile this saying over what our role truly is? I think that we should first understand that the statement should not be seen as an absolute. Again, if the husband is always wrong, what value does he bring to the relationship? We have let this one run a little too far.

The heart of the phrase, “The wife is always right” is actually hidden just behind the words. I believe the real meaning is that husbands should defer to their wives, except in situations where they are clearly acting contrary to faith or morals.

I think it is more an act of love to defer to your wife, when appropriate. We have allowed the phrase to be hijacked and turned into a bully pulpit, as opposed to what it actually is. It is an opportunity to show deference to the cradle of life. As husbands, we are called to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. (Eph 5:25) Absolute. Unquestioning. Always working in Her best interest, even when it is not always convenient for her.

Men, we need to grow a backbone. We need to take our pride down a notch (or three). We need to love our wives heroically daily. Don’t roll over like a possum, fight for your wife and for your marriage as St. Joseph fought for his!

Time is our most precious commodity. For so many things in life, we can change the circumstances and regain what we have lost. Yet, with time, once it is spent, it is gone forever. When transitioning into the married life, you will now have new unique demands on your time.

When I was dating my wife and we were living several hundred miles away. We would have time each evening, about an hour, set aside to talk on the phone. It would typically happen during my evening commute, so there wasn’t really any time “lost.” When we got married, I realized that I would need to carve about that same amount of time daily, if not more, to spend physically together.

As men, we have many demands on our time. Our relationships, our families, and our work. We oftentimes are forced to make a decision about what activities get cut and which stay in. Of course, we could always change the rules by going to bed later or waking up earlier. Yet, it seems that the first two activities to get cut are prayer and exercise.

For many of us, myself included, we view both prayer and exercise as “luxury” time items. In other words, we do them when we have extra time. We could not be more mistaken. Prayer and exercise are not luxury items, they are essential to manhood today.

As married men, we are the head of our “Domestic Church.” It is our primary responsibility to care for those entrusted to us. It is a job too big for us to carry by ourselves. We are foolish if we do not keep the lines of communication wide open with our Creator. An investment of time into prayer can pay off dividends. We turn away from ourselves and our own needs and are more in tune with the Divine.

It takes a lot of energy to do all of the things that we have to do today. We need to leverage our bodies to be excellent partners in our great mission. If your body is tired, then you won’t have the strength to carry on, even if your mind is strong. Exercise can tap into that pool of energy that lurks right below the surface. Ask anyone who lived a sedentary life and then began an exercise program.

We recognize that we need to get back in the game and factor these two important activities back into our lives. How do we do that? Before we begin, this is going to take discipline. Use this quote from the Bible to help you stay motivated, “At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it.” (Heb 12:11)

First, determine what your prayer regimen will be. Will you pray a structured prayer like the Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office)? You could pray the full Office (5 times daily) or just a few, such as Morning and Evening Prayer. Will your prayer just be time set aside for a variety of prayer? No matter what you decide, make a decision and stick to it. Second, determine what exercise you will engage in. You don’t have to go out and buy a gym membership, but make sure there is a mix of activity so that you don’t get bored. Boredom in either of these activities will be the main threat you have to deal with, after laziness.

It is time for us to be men again. It is time for us to give ourselves the tools and advantages that we need in order to live as Catholic Men should.