Catholic Husband

The summer before my wife and I got married, I received a transfer for work to the city where she was going to be studying. It was great, after two years of a long distance relationship, we were finally in the same city.

While on a budget, we wanted to create opportunities to spend quality time together without racking up recurring expenses. I had grown to love running, so we joined a gym.

I was at the gym a few months ago and was idly watching one of the multiple televisions in the gym. I didn’t choose the channel, but a program came on that featured Rachel Ray doing a talk show. I’d look up the title, but I don’t want to waste my time. Anyways, on that particular episode, Rachel had Joy Behar on as a guest. The opening segment of that particular episode featured Rachel and Joy giving marriage advice.

“Great,” I thought, “this will be entertaining.” The first couple on was having a money fight. Not too uncommon in our time, unfortunately, but both Rachel and Joy were supremely confident that they could solve the issue right there. The wife had a complaint. She and her husband kept their finances separate and paid their “fair share” on the bills, but the wife was now mad at the husband. The husband made more money than the wife, and the wife wanted him to put more money into their joint savings account. There was some chatter, and Joy decided to illustrate a point. She said, roughly, that they wanted to keep their money separate so that she could go and get a manicure and not ask for money and he could buy his pornography and not have to ask for money. The crowd and Rachel busted into laughter. I did not.

It was in that moment that I realized why we have so many failed marriages in our country. It is for no other reason that we spend most of our time sabotaging our marriages. We put ourselves in positions that naturally lead to conflict. We set up our finances in secret literally ensuring that we will fight about it. Then, we grow envious of our spouse for making more money and then blaming them for the envy. We make major purchases without asking for wise counsel. We hang out with our friends after work and don’t call home. We put ourselves in potentially compromising positions with co-workers of the opposite sex. We treat pornography like it is harmless, almost to the point where we declare it a badge of honor or right of passage. It’s not that we’re stupid, naive, or oblivious. It’s that we focus on our needs first, and then those of our spouse.

What if we didn’t spend all of our time continuing to exhibit the behaviors that annoy our spouses? What if we asked them what idiosyncrasies we demonstrate that really annoy them and try to play them down? What if we gave ourselves fully over to our spouses and not tried to keep our lives separate?

In my 9th Grade World History Class, one of the key areas of investigation for any particular culture was the division of labor. Whom in the family was expected to do what? In more recent times, one can be shouted down for even suggesting that one’s wife should have the option to stay home and raise the children. We almost have a division of labor identity crisis. Regardless of where the division lies, it needs to be made.

Early in our marriage, my wife and I would menu plan together. I had reluctantly agreed to increasing the monthly food budget. As a single man, I ate scorched earth. We are talking about the $1 microwavable dinners every night. My wife, who loves to cook, was used to a higher standard of nutrition. Each week as we sat down to plan the menu, I would grow resentful that she was proposing meal plans that I thought were excessive, in terms of cost. This went on for weeks.

Finally, we sat down for a family meeting. I told her how I felt. I had recognized that I was not giving her a chance to work her magic both with the shopping and in the kitchen. We decided on how much to spend. Then we empowered her to shop within a mutually agreed budget amount.

It really wasn’t all that different from how we were handling our money for everything else, it was just something that didn’t occur to me. We have a joint checking account through which we handle all of our transactions. I am responsible for making sure that the bills are paid and money is allocated as we decide (a job that I take delight in doing!).

What this plan doesn’t mean is that we abandon each other. What it is saying is that we make the major decisions together, such as how much to spend, and then one of us is responsible for managing the process to cause that decision to become a reality.

I’m happy to say that our division of labor is going well. I haven’t eaten this well in three years, and we routinely spend less than 70% of the allocated money for a given week. That, of course, makes room for treats like ice cream!

Our lives have phases. There are good phases and there are not so good phases.

There is one particular phase that almost every married couple goes through, the “Apartment Phase.” I don’t mean to say that all newly married couples live in apartments. What I do mean to say is that this phase is that initial phase.

If you’re like me, when you were first married, you didn’t have much. You had two of everything and were broke.

The Apartment Phase usually involves dreaming about your next move. You dream about that big promotion. You dream about how great it will be when you’re making much more money. You dream about what it will be like when you have a big family.

Stop.

As a culture, we’ve really forgotten to enjoy experiences. We’ve forgotten how to appreciate where we are in life. We’ve forgotten that the here and now is as important as tomorrow.

That isn’t saying that you should be reckless or foolish. What that is saying is to take time to “stop and smell the roses.”

Yes it is fun to dream, and you should. Yes things will get better. Today isn’t too bad itself, though.

When you’re in the Apartment Phase, enjoy! Enjoy living the stories that your grandchildren will hear about how you and your wife lived in a hole in the wall. Enjoy living the stories of working long hours to provide for your wife. Enjoy these times now because in a few decades, you’ll see how these days today took you to where you wanted to go.

Dream about tomorrow. But don’t forget to fully live today.

As men, we like to fix things. See a problem, fix a problem. We enjoy the challenge. We believe that we are good at it. The problem is, we apply this fix-it attitude to every situation. We don’t realize that what we want doesn’t always line up with what our wives want.

Women are different. Every problem has a solution. However, you are not the one designated for fixing those problems. Our wives will often come into our arms with a struggle or tears in their eyes. The first thing we do is go into fix-it mode. What is wrong? What do I need to do to make this right?

Our wives need a different kind of support from us. Sometimes, if you can believe it, they don’t want the problem fixed. They just want someone to listen. This goes against everything we are wired to do.

When your wife comes to you with a concern or a problem, you need to ask one simple question. Do you want me to fix it, listen, or just hold you?

It might be best to discuss what your wife prefers when everyone is calm. Then, when problems arise, resist the urge to fix. Simply ask the question and do as your wife asks.

When I was studying at Franciscan University in Ohio, one of the big relational topics that people discussed were the “love languages.” There are five love languages as defined by Dr. Gary Chapman.

They are:

• Words of Affirmation - verbal praise

• Acts of Service - doing small favors without expecting anything in return. (Bonus points if you don’t tell them in advance!)

• Receiving Gifts - Tokens of love (flowers, chocolate, jewelry, etc.)

• Quality Time - Turning off all of your rectangles and just focusing on them

• Physical Touch - A situationally appropriate level of physical contact

Essentially, what Dr. Chapman says is that we each have a preferred method of how we like to give and receive love. No love language is greater than the other. They are just different.

Understanding your love language and your spouse’s can help you to communicate. It is also important to remember that some people have multiple love languages. As an example, I really appreciate Acts of Service. However, Quality Time can be effective for me as well.

I bring up this topic because I recently had a deep experience of it. As I said, acts of service is my love language. My wife and I went on a very long road trip.

Ever since we were dating, I really enjoyed long road trips when it is just the two of us. When we are on those trips, it becomes “dream time.” We work on big dreams and small dreams. We work on things that don’t often get the attention that they deserve.

Arriving at the hotel after 12 and a half hours on the road, I didn’t really feel all that tired. I felt refreshed. I felt connected. I felt like our dreams were one step closer.

In this case, quality time was a love language that spoke very clearly to me.

If you are interested in learning more about love languages, check out Dr. Chapman’s website. I haven’t had the opportunity to read any of his books, so I cannot personally recommend any of them to you. However, I do have friends that swear by them.

Marriage is hard. Like anything in life, it has its own seasons. Some days are more amazing than the days when you first started dating. Some days are so bad that you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You have to learn to take advantage of the good times. You have to learn to turn everything off and focus on your marriage when times are going well. By taking advantage of the good times, you can work to shorten the bad.

Everything in your marriage is based on the relationship with your wife. If your relationship is bad, the money will be screwed up. If your relationship is bad, your work will decline in quality. If your relationship is bad, every single aspect of your life suffers.

We don’t spend time focused on building our relationships. As men, we wake up in the morning, determine the objectives that we must complete in order to have a successful day. Then we let nothing stand in the way.

I know how it feels. In fact, I felt that way, too. What I found was that when my wife and I were having a good day, my day got better when I put my life on hold to be with her. Did I check everything off of my todo list that day? No. Did I invest my time wisely? Absolutely.

You see, the more that you and your wife are in harmony, the fewer bad days that you will have. You cannot completely eliminate them, but you can severely reduce them. When those bad days do come, you’ll be better prepared to handle them.

We need to learn to truly stop and smell the roses. A good day in your relationship presents the opportunity to make that day even better. It presents the opportunity to strengthen your bond. It presents the opportunity to grow in harmony.

Let’s be smart enough to seize those opportunities. Let’s be sure we don’t let anything get in the way of us cherishing the good times.

In our life, we experience many transformations. We change from a child into an adolescent. We change from an adolescent into an adult. We are no longer the person that we used to be. We do the same thing when we get married.

When we say “I do,” we lose our identity as single persons.This transformation is a paradox. We give everything up and gain everything. Who we are as people is forever changed. It is when we forget our new identity that we get into trouble.

One of the things about identity is that we need to live by it with singleness of purpose. All of our decisions need to be made in light of who we are as people. For example, as a married person, I would not make a major purchase without consulting with my wife. It is in light of my identity as married that I know that I am not the only decision maker.

Having the identity of a married person is a beautiful thing. You cannot experience a more complete human relationship. Being married, two complimentary people, man and woman, fill out each other’s weaknesses. The two become participants in God’s plan of Creation. They become co-creaters.

Being married is a privilege. It is a privilege that requires work. You can no longer only think of yourself. You have to include someone else in your thought processes. You have to involve your spouse in your life. You must also be involved in theirs.

If taken seriously, you will notice how much of a change your identity has given to you. You will make wiser choices. You will not live as selfishly. You will gain great joy from your self-sacrifice.

Having a new identity is not something to be scared of. It is something to embrace. It is something to love. It is truly beautiful.

Embrace your new identity. Live by it. Reap its rewards.