Philosophy
Guard Your Joy
There are many reasons to be optimistic in life, especially as an American. We live in comfort and peace. I go to bed at night, not fearing roving thugs, errant artillery shells, or that some secret government agency will come and kidnap me.
The turmoil in the Church has caused much consternation, especially when many of us thought we’d left the worst of it behind in the early 2000s. I have seen plenty of ideas for how we can act out, in civil disobedience, to register our displeasure. Among them are to withhold financial support, stop receiving communion, or even join another denomination. I’m not sure why I should let the failures of leadership on the part of others steal the joy of my faith.
The Catholic Church is built upon the relationship between God and His Church. We have the Sacraments, the Magisterium, and Tradition on which to lean on, not a singular bishop or priest. We should root out corruption and abuse with extreme prejudice, but giving up the gift of faith is not a proportional response.
The same can be said for our political leaders. We have been gifted this thoughtful Republic, this unique system of government that has withstood extreme volatility. The correct response to a political leader that we dislike is not to destroy the machinery of government.
There is much to be joyful and optimistic about. There are many pleasures that we get to enjoy every day, such as the change in weather, the vibrancy of leaves, or even just the taste of ice cream. I’m not going to waste my creative powers and imagination on a buffet of negativity.
We are a Nation, and a Church, with problems, but my joy is mine to surrender. I have so many blessings, including the daily doses of cuteness given to me by my three children. You can give up your joy if you like, but I’m going to jealously guard mine.
The Gluttony of Surfing
I remember a time two decades ago when the Internet was a fun place to be. It was new, exciting, and you could spend hours getting lost in new and interesting content.
The Internet today is mean, ugly, and mostly boring. When I think about the sites that I visit on a regular basis, there are only about three. Three sites in a network of billions. That’s pathetic.
When I do pick up my phone, my time surfing is a wasted. I look for updates and new articles on mainstream news websites or I refresh YouTube for a continuous serving of suggested videos that are of zero interest to me.
I’m starting to see mindlessly surfing the Internet as a form of gluttony. It’s a spiritual sickness that I sink so much time into something that gives me almost no enjoyment. I rarely set down my phone and marvel at the new knowledge that I have gleaned. Instead, like re-watching a TV show for the fifth time, I walk away empty.
Time is a wonderful thing, and how I invest it directly impacts the trajectory of my life. If I can teach myself to stop surfing and to spend that time in other ways, I’ll be much better for it.
Commit Yourself to A Program
What a privilege it is to live in the Modern era. No matter what goal I set for myself, someone has already achieved it, and their method is readily available to me. I want to lose weight, and there are plenty of plans, devices, videos, apps, and coaches out there to help me implement the proven program.
The difficult part is not trying to fix their plan. I always want to modify and tweak the program, as if to say that I know better than the person who developed the program. I might, but they’re also fit and trim and I’m not. Plus, how much time and energy will I waste finding alternatives?
This desire to tinker and fix is a delay tactic, and it’s very human. Instead of making excuses, commit yourself to the program and do the work. We can plan our lives away without accomplishing anything meaningful. Use your energy to accomplish the steps and hit your goal, instead of trying to figure out 100 better ways of doing it.
Quitting Social Media
I remember a time, a decade ago, when the Internet was fun. It was an open, collaborative place where you could find interesting articles and links, follow your friends, find a few laughs, and get a real sense of connection. It’s amazing what the passage of time can do, even a relatively short passage of time. Today, the Internet has become four or five main websites. Those sites are essentially ads, spyware, spam, and garbage.
Late in March, partially due to the unmasking of Facebook, partially due to my declining usage, and mostly because I now have an alternative, I closed my Facebook, Instagram, & Twitter accounts. In the coming days, those profiles will return to dust, the content no longer accessible.
Foolish? Maybe. I fully recognize what I’m giving up. Facebook, in particular, has branched out from a simple way to connect to your friends to a juggernaut of offerings. Groups, messages, businesses, it does it all. But, at what great cost? Will they be able to continue on this scale for another decade? History tells us no. They’re too big to succeed.
If you look at your timeline or newsfeed, and compare it to the personal and interesting updates that used to fill those spaces, you may become despondent. Facebook has become a ghost town for personal updates and a boomtown for multi-level marketing and advertisements.
There’s something very powerful about the concept of a social network. Connecting people across the street, across town, and across the world. Growing up as a military kid, I lost well beyond 99.9% of the friendships every time that we moved. A social network can prevent that loss. The problem comes when these networks have revenue targets to hit and shareholders to please.
I have my alternative. I’ve set up a blog on my own domain name, fully backed up on my computer, and completely portable. If my current host goes out of business, I’ll simply move my content somewhere else. You could do the same with a simple WordPress site. I read news and interesting blogs via an RSS reader, a simple open Internet technology that pulls all of the content into an app. I’m the curator of my own news, pulling in from my favorite sources and companies. I’ve also begun a return to email, sending personal messages to friends and family, at a rate of one per day.
There’s a better Internet out here.
Data Driven
I’m a guy who likes data. I like to see numbers, charts, and graphs. I can understand them and make decisions based off of them. It’s just the way that I am.
Data can be an awesome asset, but it can also be a distraction. When I dive deep into the numbers, I lose sight of my goal. If my goal is to lose 30 pounds (which it is), then knowing my weight loss rate per week is helpful. It can give me a sense of how long it may take me to get to my goal, but it can also distract me from actually doing the work.
My daughter, Lucy, is in the hospital right now. She was born last week, and has had some difficulty transitioning to her new life. She’s making good progress, but her monitoring regime is giving us lots of data points. When all is going well, it feels good. But when she struggles, and her machines alarm, it becomes stressful. It’s easy for me to just stare at the monitor and get tunnel vision as the beeps sound and lights flash. In those moments, I can forget about the amazing progress that she’s made over the past few days, and her overall progress. This is when data becomes the enemy. When I take it in stride, I can see discharge just around the corner.
Data is a wonderful thing, but it can only do so much. All things ebb and flow, and if you become too fixated on the moment, you lose situational awareness. Look at the data in the moment, compare it to the trend, but no matter what, keep after it.
Do it today. And then go out and do it again tomorrow.
I Choose Superhero
Our cities and neighborhoods produce the finest political thinkers, artists, innovators, and pioneers on the planet. Our forefathers pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps and overcame every obstacle. We have fought for freedom, moved beyond adversity, and created the greatest geopolitical force for good in the history of the world.
So why are we all clamoring to be victims? Why do we seek out sympathy and pity? Why is the first thing we give an excuse and the last thing that we give is a complement?
Being the victim is the easiest thing in the world. It explains all of our faults, vice, and laziness.
I’d rather be a superhero. I want to be a success despite my challenges, not because of them. I want to blast through every obstacle leaving nothing behind me. I have to show up every single day.
Winning is reserved for those who persevere. Do the work.
August Ames
Until late last year, I didn’t know August Ames. One day in early December, I was checking in on the treading topics, and clicked her name. She was a porn star who met her untimely demise at the age of 23. Cause of death: suicide by asphyxiation.
In the days leading up to her death, August had stirred up controversy on the Internet for allegedly refusing to film pornography with an individual who had previously done homosexual pornography. The hate and anger that was directed at her was intense. She had been diagnosed with bipolar depression and multiple personality disorder. News reports indicate that she disclosed sexual abuse by her grandfather while she was a minor. Her mother was also bipolar. She spent time in a group home before her teenage years and shared that she had a terrible relationship with her father.
If you’ve read any of the personal stories of those who have participated on-camera in the pornography industry, August’s story doesn’t really stand out. She fits the profile.
It is well documented that the pornography industry preys on a certain demographic for talent. The average female porn star is young, with a strong history of depression and substance use disorder. In many cases, she was the victim of sexual abuse as a minor. These women are vulnerable, and are lured with the promises of easy money and fame. Their life is anything but easy.
And if they don’t fit the profile when the go into the industry, they will by time it spits them out.
August, her real name being Mercedes, was in the pornography industry for four years. During that time, roughly from age 19 until her death last year, she amassed credits in upwards of 290 scenes/films. Running the numbers, that means videos of her were released, on average, every five days for the past four years. Data from PornHub, one of the most ubiquitous free pornography sites on the web, says that her videos were viewed a mind-blowing 415 million times, or 1.43 million times per video.
After news of her death broke, a major pornography studio, Brazzers, announced that they were delaying the release of Mercedes’ latest scene until a “more appropriate time.” That’s right, they’re releasing a pornography video exploiting a deceased person.
Since news of August’s death broke, there has been a steady drip of new deaths. Most, if not all, have been confirmed as suicides. While the banner headlines proclaim that the porn industry is at a loss as to what’s causing these deaths, there’s nothing mysterious about it.
We’ve been lying to ourselves for a long time, America. We’ve been telling ourselves that porn is victimless, that everyone is a willing participant, that it’s free speech and that free porn really costs nothing.
I have trouble reconciling the degree of free consent a person can give to having their sexual encounters recorded and distributed 290 times, with countless partners. I have trouble reconciling how a commercial company can reasonably obtain consent from a person who could be put into receivership. I have trouble reconciling how someone can consent to having their videos watched, shared, and sold after their death. I have trouble reconciling the fury in recent weeks over the sexual misdeeds of celebrities and politicians and no one has said a damn thing about the single greatest driver in the dehumanization of sexuality.
Mercedes’ death is a tragedy. How many more of these broken people end their lives in anonymity?
Pornography is an affront to the dignity of the human person and civilized society.
There is zero place for pornography in a society that in any legitimate and meaningful way seeks to appreciate, respect, and empower women.
Until we’re willing to come to grips with the absolute damage that the pornography industry does to it’s participants, consumers and society at large, we will never stop this daily march of Harvey Weinsteins. We will never stop reading about teachers sexually assaulting their students. We will never stop. It will never stop.
Sex is a loving act between spouses who surrender themselves totally through self-donation.
Pornography kills.
Mending Election Fences
Our culture is sick. How far we have fallen from the America that De Tocqueville documented in his journeys. In many ways, I believe that the way that we live our daily lives has contributed to the toxic nature of our society. This is about more than just an election or any one candidate. This is about who we have fundamentally become, and the ominous implications that it entails.
When you look at the average American, you’ll see several disturbing trends. I admit that I see many of them in myself. We are completely consumed by media. The [average American watches five hours and four minutes of television] per day.(NYT Link) Alison and I have struggled to find content that we can watch with Benedict in the room, often defaulting to Food Network or HGTV. Why? The news networks are 24 hours of doom and gloom, reality TV is beyond fake and full of made up drama, and practically every other show is stuffed with vulgar language and content. We have collectively demanded that our content be explicit. We’ve told the networks and content creators that if people aren’t fighting, having sex, or cursing, we won’t watch.
Consider how many R rated movies are released each year compared to G and PG. If you’d like a G or PG movie, expect it to be animated or directly solely at kids. “Top Gun,” one of the most celebrated films in our time, released in 1986 is rated PG. Good movies can be produced, enjoyed, and celebrated without being explicit.
So when this is the state of our media, it’s unsurprising that we just went through an election cycle devoid of the issues. In the past decade or two, we’ve started to mirror the cult of personalities that many repressed nations show. We focus on the person, not the platform. Both candidates this year understood that the American public wants to see people tear each other apart, and both obliged.
Now that the election is over, I believe that mending fences and healing our culture is best done on a micro-level. My brother and I often fought growing up, and I remember very clearly at one point my father telling us, “If we can’t have peace at home, how can we expect to have it in the world?” If we can’t have peace in our world, we can have it in our nation. If we can’t have peace in our nation, we can in our community. If we can’t have peace in our community, we can have it on our street. If we can’t have peace on our street, we can have it in our home. If we can’t have peace in our home, we can’t have peace.
Mending fences is a delicate, but worthwhile task. Reject the urge to spike the ball or drift towards hyperbole. Be gracious, be gentile, and be kind.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/01/business/media/nielsen-survey-media-viewing.html?_r=0
Thoughts on Friendship in the Digital Age
One of my favorite activities is to pick an area of life where I need improvement and to work hard to make a change. I can only focus on one thing at a time, and that focus is what drives results. I’ve made big changes and little changes using this approach. One of my great regrets of the past six years is my lack of new meaningful friendships. I have friends from college that I connect with, but I haven’t built many new friendships. It’s an area of my life that I’m working to improve. Before I can make great friends, I need to be a great friend.
I think that there are two reasons why I haven’t made many friends since college. First, as a military kid, I have seldom had lasting friendships. I grew up just before the Internet enabled people to keep in touch across a great distance. Growing up in this setting made me self-sufficient. The second reason is that I just didn’t have the time. My job had me working at all hours, and Alison’s studies ate up the rest. This lack of long-term friendships has caused my interpersonal skills to become a bit rusty.
If you’re getting the idea that the last few years have been sad, I’m sorry to give you the wrong impression. I am satisfied with my social life. I just know that I can go so much deeper. I’m looking forward to doing just that when we move to Texas next summer and plant some roots.
Forging analog relationships in a digital world is a challenge. We’ve collectively allowed the Facebook friendship long ago supplanted the “IRL” (in real life) friendship. But Facebook emphasizes quantity rather than quality. Human relationships are about quality, and an overabundance can dilute connection. Friendships are more like concentric circles. As you pass through each circle, the connection is less strong.
I need to be better communicators in a digital world. I need to let my digital connectivity serve as an aid to my friendships. I’m eager to start this next chapter of my life, but I’m even more excited to meet and learn from a whole new crop of interesting people.
The Necessity of Rest (and Why You Need More of It)
I spent four years in the workforce after college. The environment was challenging, but it was a nonprofit, so people were kind about it. There was a constant tension over work hours. The more experienced employees came up through the company at a time where results came at any cost. My peers and I were more interested in having a work/life balance. This difference of opinion centered on one critical element: the role of rest. To them, we were lazy. To us, they were unreasonable.
These last few months have been challenging for me. Alison’s schedule demands have increased, as have the demands on my time. Caring for the kids now takes up the majority of my day leaving me just three hours for my mountain of work. All last month, I struggled to get back on “schedule,” never quite finding success. It wasn’t until I realized that I had forgotten to rest that I understood why. My brain can handle lots of work, but it also needs time to recharge. By always working, I neglected to give myself the rest that I needed. I called a truce and took October off. It was rejuvenating.
Rest is something that I’ve written about many times. I’ve shared my views on [the differences between rest and idleness.] (LINK 1). I shared my belief that [discipline can help you maintain your schedule.] (LINK 2) I’ve even shared [how I made a practice of not working on Sundays.] (LINK 3) For all this advice to be helpful, have to be diligent about maintaining these habits.
I know the temptation is there to slack off, it’s one that I grapple with almost daily. I have a little pity party and then waste away two solid hours that I could’ve utilized much better. I discovered that there’s a real difference between spontaneous breaks and rest. Spontaneous breaks are those mornings when you have a rough start, so you do nothing all day. The problem with this type of unscheduled pass is that there was no planning. You made no provisions for the work that was due, so it piles up.
Rest, real rest, is both planned for and takes place over several days. When you plan your vacations, you can ensure that there’s nothing outstanding. You can check out and not worry about the work piling up while you recharge your batteries. I think that one day a week is enough to propel you through the next week.
Besides scheduled rest, there are periods of rest that happen during your day. To you and me, they might look like the hour(s?) we spend on the couch, but there are better ways to plan those “off-times.” [Shawn Blanc shares how he plans out his work focus and rest focus each morning] (LINK 4) so that he knows what to do in the downtime to continue making forward progress.
It may not surprise you that the United States is the most depressed country in the world. This epidemic is affecting almost 10% of all Americans. According to Dr. Matthew Sleeth, the problem is that we’re not finding time to rest. Dr. Sleeth is a former emergency room physician who did extensive [research on the connection between rest and the adverse effects it has on our health.] (LINK 5) His research is disconcerting, to say the least.
There’s good news here. You have the ability to take back control of your schedule. Put your to-do list into a trusted system (I use the [Things app](LINK 6) and plan your days so that you have one day off each week. Plan your vacations in advance and turn off your work while you’re out of the office. Exercise a bit more, eat a little healthier, and watch your outlook improve.