Philosophy
Why You Should Wake Up at 5am
5am is early. As I write this, it’s 5:19am and I’ve been up for 25 minutes. It seems crazy. There really isn’t much of a need for me to be up this early. Or is there?
Getting an early start to your day can be a key to your success. But why should 5am be the time to do it?
• You probably own 5am. Our schedules can be varied from day-to-day. Because of that variety, it can be difficult to schedule certain activities, like exercise. By getting out of bed at 5am, you can be sure that nothing will interrupt you. If you work on flex time or early, maybe your “5am” is in the evening. The point is, you need time that you can 95% guarantee that you’ll have available for your most precious activities. That way, you’ll know they’ll get done.
• 5am is guilt-free. At 5am, I hope that your wife and kids are still in bed. This means that you can have this time to yourself without sacrificing time with your family. You can chase your dream, get some excellent prayer time in, play your favorite video game, exercise, whatever! This is guilt-free time.
• Today is a gift. One of the greatest sins that we can commit is sloth. In fact, oddly enough, sloth made it into the 7 deadly sins. In this instance, sloth is referring to laziness towards spiritual things, like prayer. But if we truly believe that each day is a gift, then sloth might also be referring to laziness with the use of our time. Today is a gift, so get out of bed and use it!
If you change your story, you can change your life. Set that alarm clock a little earlier and get out there and do something great!
How to Avoid Wasting Afternoons
Wasting time is a waste of time.
I hate afternoons or evenings where I just sit around watching TV for 2 or 3 hours. Of course, I’m not just watching TV, I’m usually on my phone reading news, checking Twitter, or doing one of the countless other things that are possible with phones today. It’s not that I’ve neglected my to do list… usually at that point in the day, everything is pretty much done. It’s that I yearn to be doing something meaningful.
We certainly all have a need to relax. With work and chores, we spend plenty of time engaged and expending energy and we need to set aside some time each day for relaxation. But healthy relaxation isn’t zoning out… it’s unwinding.
Reading is relaxing. Playing a board game can be relaxing. Going for an evening walk is relaxing. Enjoying dinner as a family is relaxing.
We need to relax, not be excessively idle. Idle hands are the Devil’s tools.
So get off the couch and go do something meaningful with your evening. You deserve it.
You’re Worth More Than A Paycheck
At some point in our lives, we each ask ourselves the question, “What is my worth?"
Towards the end of my last job, I realized that my identity was starting to rely on the fact that I was working at that particular non-profit. I wasn’t a workaholic, I had just let my work gain too big of role in my self-esteem. So when times were tight at the company and pay raises didn’t come, I started to believe it was a result of poor work on my part. It was an unhealthy view to have of myself.
A man’s worth cannot be measured by the size of their paycheck or the loftiness of their title. Work is a part of who we are, but it’s a small part of our world. We are husbands, fathers, sons, uncles, nephews. We are members of our Parish, members of the Universal Church, members of our community. We are members of hobby groups, sports teams, and clubs.
You have intrinsic value simply because you are a human person. You have dignity. You bring value to those around you by just being who you are. You bring joy into people’s lives, you help others through your volunteerism, you help your company serve people through your work, you build up the Kingdom of God through your active participation in the Mass.
The value you bring to your wife certainly has everything to do with the amount of effort you put into your marriage. You give her support as a chef (part-time?), a driver, an errands runner, an exercise partner, a counselor, a sounding board, a listener, a best friend. You are worth so much more to her than the amount of money you bring in the door.
The value of your contributions to your family is based mainly on how much of yourself you’re willing to give. Be open to love and give everything you have and never doubt your self-worth again.
Last Thoughts of the Day
A few weeks ago, I wrote about your last words of the day. In that article, I talked about how you should dedicate the last words you have each day to prayer. But what about the last thoughts of the day?
We’ve all been there. Moments before drifting peacefully off to sleep, we have a thought that keeps us up tossing and turning for what seems like hours. A sense of dread comes over you and you just can’t seem to shake it. The most ridiculous thing about this late night worry is that there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it in that moment.
Our last thoughts of the day have the power to affect our dreams. So if they’re not wholesome, you might be in for some serious nocturnal temptation. If they’re stressful, you’ll have a hard time staying asleep. How do we direct our last thoughts of the day so that we can drift peacefully to sleep?
• Have an “approved thoughts” list. I try my hardest to not work on Sundays. On Sunday morning, I remind myself that it’s a day of rest and so thoughts about work are off limits. Having a similar list for your pre-sleep bed time can be equally helpful. Decide what’s off limits. Work, things you worry about, or anything that makes you anxious should be on this list. Remember, there’s nothing you can do about it in those moments, so there’s no point in thinking about them.
• Refuse to be worried or anxious about tomorrow. We’ve all had days that we knew were going to be tough. We can all remember what the night before was like. Don’t think about tomorrow (unless it’s going to be really awesome!).
• Think about things that are going really well, or the blessings you have. The best way to counteract bad thoughts at bedtime is to reflect on all of the good things in your life. Celebrate your accomplishments, think about fun things that are coming up in your life, or just remind yourself of all of the blessings that you have in your life.
The last thoughts of the day are critical to a good night’s sleep. Give these thoughts to things that are good, honorable, and just. Then, enjoy a great night’s sleep.
A Line in the Sand
Our lives are an experiment. We have one chance to live, and as a part of that experience, we have to find our way. Thankfully, we have wise parents to help us not make major mistakes. In large part, though, we’re able to quite easily fall into ruts.
We all get off track at times. For the past 24 months or so, I’ve been fighting to get my weight down. In May, I reached the 30 lbs. lost mark. I was ecstatic! Diligent dieting, food journaling, and exercise got me so close to my victory. Then came the move. I slacked off… big time. I didn’t work out, we ate out all the time, and I ate whatever I wanted. The result? A 13 pound gain in six weeks.
Ouch.
Whether it’s my weight, my prayer life, or even just my relationship with Alison, there are times when I fall into routines and behaviors that are working against me and my goals. There’s only one way to right the ship: draw a line in the sand.
The things that happen to us in life don’t define us. How we respond to them does. I can take my weight gain and just let it go. I could throw up my hands, say it’s just the way my body is, and wave the white flag. Or I can fight. I can say, “ENOUGH!” I can put my walking shoes back on, pull out my food diary, and limit the sweets.
There are times in your life when you just need to draw a line in the sand.
Beware. When you draw a line in the sand, the resistance will emerge. Alison will make turtle bars, we will have a week of rain, the alarm clock will be just too painful. It will be easy to slip back into your old ways. Fight, fight, fight!
When things get tough, you know you’re on the right path. Persevere!
No temptation is too much for us to overcome. No bad habit is enough to make us a bad person. The choice is yours. Will you draw a line in the sand or wither away?
A Fresh Start, Daily
If you’re like me, you’re really good at making mistakes. Oftentimes, you’ll reach expert level in your mistakes. When you get stuck in a rut, what does it take to get you out and back on the right path?
I fall victim to the “Perfect Day” myth regularly. I have 8 things that I try to do every day. Some of them are wellness goals, some are spiritual, and others are intellectual. I plan out my days, budget my time, and set my task list. Do you know how many times I get everything done? Rarely.
We live under the mistaken belief that we can control our day. But when we plan everything to the second, we don’t account for external factors. We don’t account for our kid waking up an hour earlier or a new project that needs our attention immediately.
So when we don’t finish everything we wanted to or we make mistakes, we feel like the day is a loss. Not so.
We’re constantly making mistakes. From those mistakes, we should be learning something new daily. We need to fail in new ways because it shows growth. So maybe I don’t clear off my to-do list, but I got the essentials done. That’s a win. Maybe I wasn’t completely responsive to Alison’s needs, but I surprised her by doing one of her chores. That’s a win.
Days get derailed. Plans get cast aside. We make mistakes. No matter how bad today was, tomorrow will be here soon and it’s bringing a fresh start.
Subject Matter Authority
Last month I achieved a major milestone for both myself personally and for Catholic Husband. I released my first book, The Transition. I was both overwhelmed and touched with the response! One of the commenters, a veteran of the married life, commented on his first experiences of reading Catholic Husband. He remarked that initially he wondered what he could learn from me, a kid new to the game. It wasn’t meant in a disparaging way, he was just stating a fact. A fact that I fully agree with.
I’ve been married for just a year and a half now. I know very little about what it means to live an authentic Catholic marriage. I know very little about the struggles and joys that await Alison and I as we spend our lives together. I know very little about working through some very complex marital problems that all married couples face.
When I first considered launching Catholic Husband, my lack of experience was a major barrier that I had to overcome. How could I justify adding value to the lives of men who’ve been married 5, 10 or even 20 years?
In that potential weakness, I found strength. I found my focus.
Catholic Husband isn’t meant to be a textbook. It isn’t designed as a self-help book. It wasn’t conceived as a solution to your problems.
Catholic Husband was created to be a discussion. It was created to share my daily lived experience and how we can learn from it. It was designed to encourage. I hope that my experiences and my shortcomings inspire you. I hope they inspire you to keep on sharing the good news of the married life. I hope they inspire you to love your life better than you did yesterday. I hope they inspire you to keep growing in your faith.
So where does my subject matter expertise come from? My experience.
There are no “marriage experts.” There are those who have done a good job in the married life sharing their strategies to success. I don’t pretend to be at that level. But I do believe that we need to be talking about the great life that is the married life. I believe we need to counter the misconceptions about marriage. I believe we need to promote healthy, stable, faithful marriages.
Catholic Husband is designed to do just that.
Planning Margin Time
Think of the most successful people that you know. Consider what they do, their characteristics and all of the many obligations that they have. They’re pretty busy, aren’t they? The most successful people in life have a lot on their plate and they still get it all done. How do they do it? Disciplined time management.
I love to experiment with time management techniques. I usually have several different projects that I’m working on simultaneously. It’s difficult to manage, but I learned a difficult lesson early on. I learned that if I don’t plan margin time, I can never stay on track. All of the apps and day planners in the world can’t save me if I don’t give myself some margin.
Tasks that get scheduled get done. By using detailed planning, you can budget your time and get more things accomplished. The problem is that you can take planning too far. If you plan every minute without any breathing room, you’ll fail. There needs to be some time in between tasks that lets you handle those things that pop up.
Margin time gives you the flexibility that you need to adapt, while still allowing you to finish your goals. It gives you permission to relax a little bit and do other things. You could use your margin time with your wife, your kids, or even a hobby. For me, I give myself several hours of margin time on the weekends, while my weekdays are much tighter. In my evening routine, I’ve budgeted 15-20 minutes of margin time to spend on whatever Alison needs me to do.
The reason that using margin time is so effective is because it admits reality. I can’t go from working on my computer one minute to driving to my next destination a minute later. It takes time to move between tasks.
Margin time gives us the space we need in our day to do other things that we love. It allows us to be successful because it admits that not every moment can be planned.
Reclaiming Wasted Time
Time is our most precious commodity. Like our health, once it’s gone, it’s not coming back. Yet, with so many minutes at our command, it can be dangerously easy to let seconds slip to minutes, slip to hours, slip to days without taking advantage of them.
Before Benedict was born, I had nothing but time on my hands. Alison and I would spend some time together each evening, but other than that, I was mostly free to idly let the evening hours pass me by. Then I started Catholic Husband and I had a nice activity to invest my time into. Fast forward a few months and I was writing a book. My idle hours dwindled, and I was quite happy. Today, I have a full plate of creative projects and Benedict to help care for. My wasted time has greatly diminished, but I can still waste some time if I don’t “feel” like writing or if I think I can push it off until tomorrow.
I bet we have a few wasted time activities in common. Spending hours watching TV is a waste of time. Not only are there precious few shows that are worth our time, most leave us feeling empty. We all have our guilty pleasures which, in moderation, are fine. But sitting and watching reality TV for 3 hours a day is a complete waste of time. Overusing our computers is also a waste of time. An easy way to find out if you should stop using your computer is if you find yourself staring at the screen asking yourself, “What next?” The computer is a fabulous tool and a fabulous time suck. Use it for the former. Perhaps video games are your outlet for wasted time. All of these things are fine in moderation, but are useless if used excessively.
How do we reclaim that wasted time?
• Cut your time in half. If you find that you don’t have enough time to take care of household tasks or pursue your dream, cut your wasted time activities in half. So if you spend 20 hours a week (a little more than 2 hours a day) watching TV, then see what you can do with 10 hours a week. You’ll be amazed at how much time you have to accomplish things.
• Make a list of alternative activities. If you don’t have a ready list of things to do in your newly reclaimed free time, you’ll just slide into a different time waster. Come up with some neat projects or off the wall ideas and then, when you find yourself in this newly reclaimed time, pick the thing that looks the most interesting. Your alternative activities could be reading, going for a walk, rearranging your bedroom, or even learning a new skill.
• Find your motivation. We never do anything because someone else tells us to. It may start the thought process, but we can’t follow through with any degree of success if we are doing it for someone else’s reasons. If you want to make a change, you need to admit that something is broken. Once you have your motivation, you’ll have the antidote to your urges to not change.
Time is too precious to let slip by. Make a choice today to not let your life pass by, filled only with re-runs.
Men vs. Bros
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We live in a world full of boys. Actually, let me rephrase; we live in a world full of bros. We are men surrounded by an ocean of bros.
What’s the difference between a Man and a Bro?
• A Man puts his family before himself. Bros are all about looking out for #1. A bro doesn’t have the emotional maturity to recognize that there are people depending on him and he needs to tend to them before taking care of his own needs.
• A Man puts his wife before his friends. Bros are never home. They’re out with the boys getting wild. They stay out all night and sleep in late. When a bro’s wife asks him for some time together he accuses her of cramping his style.
• A Man puts God first. Bros vaguely remember God from 3rd grade Sunday School. There’s no room in their life for Him because they’re too busy. Plus, Mass is for losers.
• A Man puts his work after his family. Bros are workaholics. They will work 80 or 90 hour workweeks when they could really get it done in 60. No one asked them to work that much, they would just rather be at work than be at home. Plus, work is more fun.
• A Man finds time to do his tasks without sacrificing family time. Bros try to complete tasks on their special projects during their family’s waking hours. Then, when his wife or kids ask for some time, he refuses because he’s got to get this stuff done. Men plan their time so they can enjoy life with their family, while still completing their special projects. Sometimes, it’s not possible, so men wake up an hour early and get it done.
• A Man does the right thing, not the thing that benefits him. Bros are always trying to get the upper hand. They’re looking for ways to get what they want as soon as possible, even if it means cheating their wife or kids out of something. A bro goes into debt to get that flat screen TV or the car that he really can’t afford without considering his family first because he really wants it.
• A Man makes a mistake once and learns from it. Bros aren’t into self-reflection. They run into walls all the time and don’t care enough to figure out that if they use the door they can get through the wall.
So what are you? A Man or a Bro?