Philosophy
Reset Occasionally
I keep rigorous track of my goals throughout the year. I’ve mentioned before that I use the HabitList app on my phone in order to keep tabs on how well I’m doing. HabitList uses a method called streaking in which the user attempts to repeat the same task for consecutive days with the goal of achieving the longest streak of days. After extended periods of failure and defeat, however, streaking can work against me. If I see that it’s been a while since I’ve done a particular task, then I’m less inclined to do it. I fall victim to “one more day” thinking, in which it doesn’t matter if I skip today, because I can always do it tomorrow. Sometimes in life, and especially in the pursuit of a goal, it’s ok to reset the clock.
We all love the hope of a new year. The big blank canvas with a new beginning ahead of us is not only refreshing, it’s motivational. We believe again that we can do anything and that pushes us to go out and reach for our dreams. Resetting the clock in the middle of a game can do the same thing. By resetting your trackers and giving yourself grace for the time and distance lost, you give yourself a new chance to go out and win. The blank canvas doesn’t judge you, the 0 is your new shot at getting it done.
I have a tendency to fixate on the past. I analyze mistakes and get a little disheartened thinking about all of the ground that I’ve lost. By taking advantage of an occasional reset, I give myself permission to accept the past as reality, and more importantly, to blaze a new path forward. The past will hold you back any chance it gets, especially if it was riddled with failure. Instead of giving it that power, seize today and move on.
There are plenty of cliches surrounding new days and I think that subscribing to a few is actually a good idea. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today is a new beginning. Today is your best chance at making a difference. We can’t do anything about yesterday or tomorrow, we only have control over today. Through the process of a reset, we get a chance to do things right, to work on the plan that we laid out, and to change our lives for the better.
When you find yourself at the end of a disastrous run towards your goals, take a break, give yourself some grace, and give yourself the gift of a reset. The only person who can change you is you, and you’ll never make that change if you’re too busy worrying about how you failed yesterday.
Let Go of Past Hurts
I’m a grudge-holder. I don’t do it for all things, but when a particular relational infraction occurs, if it’s offensive enough, I’ll hold on to it for a very long time. It’s not the best system in the world and it certainly adds stress to my life because grudges keep coming up in my mind resulting in me reliving the offending action. The problem with holding on to past hurts is not just that we can’t do anything about them today, but also that it makes us a prisoner of the past.
We all get hurt. Whether it be by our own actions or by those of someone else, we all have to face the pain and suffering that relational discord brings. Sometimes it’s temporary discomfort and other times it’s a hard break, but the fact that we’re social beings means that we all face this painful reality at one point or another. The thing is, when we avoid dealing with the issues and leave them unresolved, we become hostages. We obsess and just can’t seem to move on. Sometimes we might direct anger at the wrong person years later because we haven’t fully dealt with our past.
The best way to resolve past hurts is through a process of reconciliation. Depending on your situation, you may reconcile with the person face-to-face or you may just have to reconcile with the situation. If you’re able to reconcile with the person directly, it can be helpful if you consider what fault was yours, admit it, and ask for forgiveness. If significant time has passed, you can both acknowledge that you used to be dumb and that was part of the problem. If you’re unable to reconcile face-to-face, you will just have to reconcile with the facts. Still admit your role, but also understand that there’s nothing to be done about it now and that holding on is causing other problems. Work through it and then put it out to pasture.
Unresolved past hurts can become a limiting factor in your life. Your future is bright and you can start making changes for the better today. By keeping one foot in the past and one in the present, you miss out on the opportunity for joy and happiness that today offers while wallowing in the misery of a yesterday long since past.
Fighting Impatience
Several times a week, I fail to reach the high Catholic Husband standard. Being the husband that I was made to be is indeed a very high bar and one that’s only achievable through diligence, focus, and determination. Many times throughout the week I’ll be working on some project and Alison will ask something of me. It’s usually in those moments that I’m most impatient.
The only real way to beat impatience is to actively choose to not be impatient. While that may sound trite, it’s at the core of this conversion. Understanding which situations try your patience the most, and then working to change your responses in those situations is the best way out of a tendency towards impatience. When you begin to move away from an attitude of impatience, be on alert for those situations that put you in the greatest danger of a relapse. With this level of focus and attention on your surroundings, and by understanding your triggers, you can know when you’re at your weakest and be able to respond more appropriately. This type of change requires intentionality because impatience is such a snap response. In order to overcome impatience, you have to be in control of all of your responses, especially rapids ones.
When a situation arises that may try your patience, don’t respond immediately. Take an extra two seconds, think, and then respond. So if I ask Alison a question and she doesn’t immediately answer, it would be wise of me to take a deep breath, wait for two seconds, and then ask for her attention again. That’s a far better response than getting frustrated and leaving the room, or angrily looking at my phone. Perhaps she simply didn’t hear me or maybe she was working through a big idea that needed just another moment before she was ready to change her focus. It’s best in all situations to maintain perspective. We’re often too quick to judge a situation and when we do so, we often judge wrongly. As in the example above, maybe your wife just didn’t hear you. Although forgetting a question or an idea can be frustrating, it may not have been that important of a thought. Situations that try our patience are minor interruptions in the grand scheme of things. These minor interruptions are hardly worth getting into a fight over.
When you choose to overcome impatience, you’ll have a long road ahead of you. Yet, if you’ll maintain focus and persevere, you can grow in virtue and leave the impatient you in the past.
How to Deal with Traffic
Our National Driver’s Education curriculum needs to be overhauled. At least half of the teaching time needs to be devoted to courtesy on the road. We all have a tendency towards road rage and frankly, it’s too often justified. When we get behind the wheel, it’s as if an alter-ego takes over and all human decency goes out the window. Many of the delays and traffic jams are caused by people being jerks. One day this Spring, Benedict and I were caught in some heavy traffic on our way to pick up Alison from work. While in a 20-minute traffic jam, I saw a man who had all of his windows down, his headphones in, and smoking a cigar. While I don’t approve of the headphones, I do approve of his attitude. He was in traffic, there was no way to avoid it, so he was going to enjoy it.
We can all learn a lot from this man. First, we should plan ahead. If you’re traveling during a busy time, give yourself extra time to get where you’re going so that you have nothing to stress about. The drive takes however long it takes and there’s nothing to be done about it, so that extra time is your safety net. As long as you know how long it will take to get to your destination, and you leave yourself plenty of time, there will be nothing to worry about. It may take 30 minutes longer than it usually does, but you’ll still arrive on time, and that’s all that you need to be concerned about.
Next, remain calm. Bring some great music in the car or enjoy your company. If the weather is nice, roll down the windows and feel the breeze. Look around at the scenery and notice things that you wouldn’t notice at 70 miles per hour. Make this an experience, not something to dread.
Finally, get good intelligence. I use the Waze app everywhere I drive, so I know the best route. Waze helps me minimize the amount of traffic I sit through, although some of it is inevitable. Of course, no matter what, you’ll run into a bunch of jerks trying to cheat the system, but there’s no use getting mad at their poor etiquette. There’s nothing to be done.
While we may never get all of the jerks off of the road, there are certainly things we can do to make our traffic jam experience more bearable. Leave with plenty of time to spare, relax, and remain calm. Do all of these things and you may find yourself a happier driver, even in the worse traffic jams.
Humble Yourself
Humility may be the most unpopular virtue. We all love interacting with humble people and we enjoy their company, yet we can’t bear being humble ourselves. We want to be strong, bold, brave, and independent, and humility challenges that view. Whenever we face sin or other struggles in our spiritual life, we can overcome them with humility. In fact, the best way to combat sin is by serving your wife.
I think we all struggle with pride to some degree. When we put ourselves in the number 1 spot, sin becomes much easier. Although it’s natural for us to look out for ourselves first, at the same time it causes us to make decisions that are in our self-interest, which usually leads to reducing someone else. We commit sins against our family like sloth, rage, sins of omission and commission, all because of pride. Pride is bad news and it’s all too easy to get complacent with the role that it plays in our lives.
When you’re ready to have the courage to make a change, and when you understand just how difficult change will be, focus your attention outward. Get hyper focused on serving everyone else in your household. Deny your body’s requests for excessive rest (which is usually just laziness) and be incredibly proactive about doing things for your family. While at first it may look like ordinary chores like cleaning the kitchen or making the bed, soon it will turn into more internal dispositions. You’ll start praying for them by offering up activities, you’ll be proactive in doing nice things for them, you’ll write your wife a love letter, and so much more. The thing is, the more you give of yourself, the more you root out pride in your life, the happier you’ll be.
The body needs to be tamed. We have within our brains hardwired responses to situations, survival mechanisms that usually come out as just plain selfishness in our safe environment. If you really want to make lasting change and if you really want to live free of sin, you’ll have to do what the saints did and build new responses. You’ll have to recognize temptation and pride at their first appearance and respond forcefully. It can be done and it will lead to new heights in your personal life, but it will be a great challenge.
If you want to beat sin and if you want to live a more humble life, begin by serving your wife. Pray for her in the morning, throughout the day while you work, and in the evening. Meet her needs, check things off of your honey-do list, and always be serving. Only then will you know true happiness and true peace.
Never Miss An Opportunity
Throughout any given day, we have plenty of opportunities to do the right thing. Several months ago, I was grocery shopping when I saw a man in a power scooter reaching for a product on the top shelf. A teen employee from the store stood there and watched. I felt compelled to help the man, and so I did. If I hadn’t, the man’s life wouldn’t have been any different. I’m sure there are many times during the day when he has to reach for something that’s just out of reach. I’m not a hero, but I’d hope that my small act of kindness made him feel a little more human that day. Every day brings us dozens of opportunities to serve and help our neighbor and I hope that you’re taking action on at least a few of them.
Serving someone, especially in our societal climate today, can make a huge impact on someone’s life. We’re all turned in on ourselves and we’re all very busy. We don’t have time to help and we simply need to get on our way. So when you take a moment to help someone, you show the world that humanity still exists. You show the other people around you who observe your small act of kindness that being connected still matters. You might even find that the person most profoundly impacted by your small act is you.
Oftentimes these acts of kindness are hard to see. They’re disguised as a hungry veteran, an elderly person reaching for something, or a child needing school supplies. They’re disguised as a canned food drive, or a young pregnant mother, or an exhausted set of parents. They’re disguised as a neighbor trying to fix a lawnmower or a colleague in the hospital. If you take the time to train your eyes to see these opportunities in plain sight, and if you’re open to serving others, you’ll find endless chances to bring some light to someone else’s life.
You don’t always have to leave your house to find opportunities to serve. In your marriage there are opportunities for you to strengthen your bonds and to ease your wife’s burdens. Many of these opportunities have been posted on this blog in the past, so there’s no need to revisit them. However, each day you’re either working towards a stronger marriage or you’re not. You get to decide.
Service to others, and performing spiritual and corporal works of mercy at random are beautiful things. Not only will you help bring some small comfort to someone else, you may just find that you walk away a changed person.
Thank A Vet
Five words are all it takes to make the difference in a service member’s life. We see men and women all the time who are either currently serving in our Armed Forces or wearing apparel that tells us that they served. I strongly encourage you to take a moment, stop them, and say, “Thank you for your service.”
My dad used to have a sticker on his laptop from the Military Order of the Purple Heart that read, “If you enjoy your freedom, thank a vet.” The truth in that statement is part of the reason why our Nation has been so successful in defending our way of life. With very little exception, our military services have been an all-volunteer force. Today, every man and woman in uniform is there, defending us and our families, because they raised their hand. We can go to sleep at night in peace, without fear because our Nation asked for their help, and they stepped up to the plate. We need to be sure that our veterans know how much we appreciate their sacrifice.
There’s never an inappropriate time to thank a service member. No matter where they’re going or what they’re doing, it’s always the right time to stop them for a few seconds and to thank them. In elevators, on mass transit systems, at restaurants, in airports, in shopping malls, or even just walking down the street. Whenever you see a service member in uniform, stop and thank them.
It’s important to not just thank those currently serving. We are where we are today thanks to the countless veterans who’ve served in armed conflict and in peace time throughout the past century. Many of the older veterans are easily spotted with their signature hats or jackets. You might even spot a few others who have custom t-shirts or who are wearing the pin of a service medal that they earned. When you see one of these individuals, thank them, too! The thanks from a member of the public means a lot to those currently serving, but even more to those who served honorably long ago. It’s a reminder to these older veterans that their service is not forgotten.
I’ve written many times about setting the right example for your kids, and this is another small habit that you need to pass on. At any time, in any place, when you see someone who is currently serving in the military or a veteran who served in days gone by, give them the courtesy of five simple words to express your gratitude, “Thank you for your service.”
Editing Friendships
College is the gilded age of friendships. At no other point in your life are you more fully immersed in your peer group. You live together en masse, you share numerous experiences in the forms of classes, exams, campus jobs, and events. Most importantly, you live in close quarters. Certainly your friend group is of a certain size, but you also have a massive acquaintance circle full of people that you know in connection to your coursework. This acquaintance group isn’t one that you necessarily hang out with all the time, but you do greet each other in passing. College is full of social connectedness.
One of the most difficult transitions that any young adult makes after graduation is the emotional loneliness and solitude of the adult world. Certainly there are new levels of freedom, but along with that freedom comes the necessity of work in order to pay bills and to support oneself. Further, now that you’re no longer living so close to all of your friends, you find that your number of friendships drops precipitously, especially if you’ve moved to a new town. Months after graduation, there will be a large subset of your college friends with whom your only interaction is seeing stories about them pop up on Facebook. It’s important to stop putting time into relationships that are going nowhere. It may be time to edit your friendships.
From time to time, it’s ok to cut the line on a friendship. You have a limited amount of time to devote to your social life, and so when you sink time into friendships that are over, it can be detrimental to your current and future relationships. It’s ok to move on, appreciating the value that a friendship had for a time, while respecting the needs and opportunities of your new friendships. This can be especially challenging when you felt a strong bond with someone, but it seems that all of the effort to keep a friendship going is coming from your side.
When considering which friendships to edit, be patient and deliberate. Edit first the relationships that have been over for a long time. Give everyone a chance to move through what might be nothing more than an extraordinarily busy time in their lives. Editing friendships shouldn’t be a knee-jerk reaction. Rather, it should be a fair and just determination based on the facts. I’m not suggesting a “You’re dead to me” approach. In fact, I’d strongly urge you to not sever ties, simply stop making efforts to keep things going. At the same time, be open to a friendship naturally being rekindled at some point in the future.
While admitting that a friendship is over can be difficult, especially if you’ve shared many personal things with someone, appreciate the purpose that they served. A friend may have counseled you on a career move, helped you through relational struggles, or been with you at a time of grief. Be thankful for the fruit that a relationship bore and for the opportunity to share a part of your life with someone. Understand also what role you might have played in their life and how that helped you grow as a person.
When life has changed and relationships become inactive, divert your precious resources to new and current friendships. People deserve to have your full attention and efforts at forming new bonds, not someone who’s stuck in the past. Be ok with editing friendships from time to time, understanding that your renewed efforts will help your friendships of today blossom.
Respect Women
Sex sells, even when it’s irrelevant. Watching commercials during the Super Bowl underscores this interesting point. Advertisers and companies use sex to sell things that really have nothing to do with human sexuality, like web hosting or restaurants. We’re a sex-crazed people and it needs to stop.
Many people decry the incidence of sexual assault on college campuses, as they should. At the same time, they buy tickets to see “50 Shades of Grey.” They complain about a hook-up culture, but then demand that contraceptives be provided free of charge in vending machines. Some complain that women aren’t respected the way that they should be, but then call the consumption of pornography “free speech.” If we really want to address our societal issues, we’re going to have to take a collective hard look at the lower level problems that are contributing to this overall tone. We have to be willing to make serious changes in order to have a society that respects the dignity of all people.
First, we must marginalize and eradicate organizations that are implicitly hostile to the dignity of women. It’s challenging to make a case for the benefits of having Greek Life on college campuses when we can’t make it through an entire semester without a national headline about sexual assault, illegal activity, or even death on some college campus at a particular fraternity or sorority house. Common knowledge holds that the raucous parties lead to excessive drinking and sexual assault. Few charges are ever brought and the perpetrators of these felonies are never brought to justice, leaving them free in society to attack again. Criminals must be held accountable for their actions and removed from our society. We must go after the institutions that protect them.
Next, we must stop using women for business gain. Sex sells, so we have to quit buying. The porn industry would wither away if people stopped clicking on their links and paying for their content. Human trafficking and the prostitution that goes along with it would shutter its doors if people stopped soliciting. The fantasy given to us is that these women are all willing participants and yet, many aren’t. The reality is the incidence of drug abuse, suicide, and depression is significantly higher among porn actors than it is among the general population. Even if someone is a willing participant at the time, few walk away without guilt, regret, and shame. By supporting these types of industries we support the institutionalized denigration of women and that’s wrong.
Finally, we have to stop telling women that they’re only valuable if they’re men. Women have the awe-inspiring ability to support and nurture life within their bodies, and that fact alone merits great deference. Women have every right to enter into the workplace, make valuable contributions, and be compensated commiserate with their performance. They shouldn’t feel compelled to act like their male counterparts in order to gain the respect of their company and equal consideration for advancement. Women have a unique perspective to offer the world. We don’t need more men, we need more diversity of opinion.
If we want to live in a world where both men and women are respected and valued as human persons with dignity, we need to address the underlying issues. Women especially are victimized and used for profit and, as men, we need to withhold support from people, companies, and industries who base their profitability on the denigration of women.
Adult Report Cards
When I was in high school, in my Junior and Senior year, I was introduced to something truly horrible. It was a system called EdLine and it gave my parents direct, realtime access to my teacher’s grade books. While I performed well academically, the pressure of constantly knowing one’s grade was almost too much. With the press of a button, a bad test grade could ruin an entire weekend. My parents loved it because they had a granular view of my progress and could spot trends.
While I dispute the morality of giving parents this level of access to grades, I do think that, as adults, we could benefit from this type of system. We set goals for ourselves or have dreams that we’d like to fulfill, most of which occur over time. Having a report card that gives us a realtime picture of our progress could be immensely helpful and could also translate into a higher success rate. As adults, we refer to these report cards as habit streaks. I use an app called Habit List on my phone to track daily progress with a simple yes or no challenge. Did I keep a food diary today? Yes. 1 day added to my streak. Did I drink 8 glasses of water? No. My streak begins again tomorrow. This frictionless system takes seconds to update each evening, but provides a powerful set of data and subtle motivation to keep a streak alive. We need report cards or habit streaks to give us feedback on progress towards our goals.
Goal setting requires tracking. While it can be ugly, feedback is our best path to success. No one likes negative feedback, so when we receive it, and when we have the means to stop it, we will change our behavior which, in turn, leads to success. We get that motivation back that we had when we started this goal achievement journey. It can literally get you back on the horse and moving again in the right direction.
We need accountability in our lives. Discipline isn’t pleasant and without someone or something holding up a mirror to us, we’ll fall victim to the laziness within us. No matter what the task is, we need help keeping on track. We need a person or a system to hold our hand and to keep moving us forward. Habit streaks can add that level of discipline back into the equation.
The longer the habit streak, the more likely your continued success. We see the number of days add up to a huge number and we have no interest in seeing it go back to 0, so we push ourselves to success. As an added bonus, the longer you avoid a bad habit, the better you’re able to resist it. The more you do a good habit, the more it becomes ingrained in you.
Report cards in school were the enemy, but habit streaks as an adult are an ally. Habit streaks will push you to places that you’ve never been and help you to become the best person that you can be.