Marriage
Are You Taking A Pay Cut?
Spring is my favorite season. It’s used to be fall because I absolutely love cold, grey, steely October days. Yet, I’m a person who loves hope, promised, and newness, so therefore spring must take the crown. Perhaps my favorite part about spring is getting Spring Fever. On the first warm day of the season, I immediately want to get outside, wash the car, and pull out all of my summer clothes. While the nice weather is usually gone the following day, the sentiment is right. Get out of your house and enjoy being outside!
Winter is incredibly harsh and sedentary. It’s no wonder we all gain weight while everything around us is so bleak. The only exercise we get in Winter is shoveling all of that dang snow. Winter makes me feel trapped, like a hibernating bear. It’s a necessary season, but it’s one that’s pretty unhealthy.
Spring, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. It’s warm, cheerful, and the sounds of chirping birds lift my spirits. We get to be active, play outside, and not put on four layers of clothing just to get the mail. Spring is inviting and it brings us the promise of an amazing season to come. Nature and creation are truly beautiful, but it’s all too easy for us to ignore it. We drive past the same scenery every day going to work, but we fail to notice the sheer beauty and magnitude of the life around us. Spring invites us to again appreciate creation because what was once dead comes roaring back to life.
Now that we’re nearing the end of spring and entering into the summer season, I encourage you to spend more time outside. If you have a deck out back, pray out there in the morning or read out there in the evening. If you have a nice lawn, play out there with your kids or have a barbecue with your friends. Open the windows of your house, go for a walk, and get active again. Nature is all around you, waiting for you to enjoy it. Get out there!
How to Spend More Time with Your Wife
Earlier this year, during one of Alison’s many rotations, she was assigned to a hospital about 45 minutes away. Her shift was from 7am - 7pm daily with the exception of Wednesday, meaning that her schedule and Benedict’s schedule aligned very poorly. In fact, during the week, with the exception of Wednesday and the weekend, she often wouldn’t see him at all. To help alleviate the loss that all three of us felt, twice during the month Benedict and I drove her to work and then went on an adventure.
When time is tight in your schedules it becomes even more important to make time to be with your wife. Certainly sacrifices will need to be made, but the fact that there is limited time necessitates that for the sake of your marriage, you make time.
You could stay up later, go to work together, or reserve time in the evenings. Hopefully the restricted nature of your schedules is only temporary, but during that time, you jointly need to create time to be together. Your marriage cannot withstand, nor should it be asked to, prolonged periods of absence when a few schedule adjustments could free up as much as an hour or more a day.
We all struggle to balance our time and we tend to look back longingly on the days when we had all of the time in the world to do as we pleased. Yet, the “struggle” to balance your time is not as much of a struggle as it is a difficult decision process. You likely will have to sacrifice a good for the sake of a greater good, nourishing your marriage.
It’s hard to be apart from your wife and there will most certainly be times when your schedules conspire against you. In those times of difficulty, choose to not be overcome by the tyranny of the clock and instead make reasonable adjustments to your schedule so that you can have more time together with your beloved on a daily basis.
Is Your Wife Your Only Friend?
Admittedly, this is going to be a bit of an awkward post for me. While I wish I was living out the principles that I’m going to cover, I’m really not. You see, as men, we need really great guy friends. Certainly your wife is your best friend and yet, she can’t be your only friend. We need people around us to help us be better men, and who better to challenge us than friends who struggle with the exact same things that we struggle with? By cultivating great relationships with a few great guys, you can build a support network and grow as a man.
We’re social beings, and although we have plenty of commitments at home, we do need a friend group that we can count on, and who can count on us. We grow through our friendships and relationships. We learn the shocking truth that we’re not the only ones with problems. We encourage each other in life and can provide objective help to one another.
The truth is, many of us struggle to identify that friend group after college. There are certainly people that we’re friendly with, but if you’ve moved away from home and college, you may struggle to establish a new group of close friends. I certainly have. I do have friends that I’ve kept in contact with over the years, but none of them live close enough that we could go grab a beer. My best luck has been through the Knights of Columbus, but since our move last summer, I haven’t been active in my local Council.
While guy friends can help us grow, the social element is perhaps even more important. Truthfully, sometimes your wife needs a break from you. You probably need the occasional break from her. It’s not a bad thing, just a natural occurrence over time. When you do have a night out, hanging out with guys who share your interests can be the perfect evening.
If you’re like me and don’t have one, two, or even more great guy friends in your area, you know what the challenge is. Find some guys in your peer group, engage socially, and build up your friend network. Certainly it’s more easily said, than done, but the effort is more than worth it.
Pride and Money Mistakes
Money just might be the most personal thing in the world. Almost no other topic causes people to become defensive so quickly. After graduating from college, I went overboard and maxed out several credit cards. It was a big mistake and one that set me back two years in my financial plan. When I realized my mistake, with the help of those around me, I found a plan and worked my way back out. Money and pride are closely linked together and they’re a deadly duo. We make mistakes, but pride compounds the problem. We need to take a few steps to help keep our money in check.
First, leave your emotions out of the situation. Emotions can cause you to either want something or to feel shame. Dealing with your money isn’t about posturing. Instead, it’s about devising a plan and executing on that plan. When you have repeated problems, you’ve got to get in there and do some investigating. What’s the core issue? Are you not budgeting enough? Are you wandering away from the plan too easily? Remedy those problems and move forward.
Next, remember that secrecy magnifies the problem. We have to be secure enough with ourselves to be able to admit that we might be the problem, or are at least allowing it to continue. Be relentless in fixing damage and correcting systems and controls that keep your budget on track. Remember, you’re in charge of your budget, so if you need more money for something, just allocate it!
Finally, get new information. Take a course, read a book, or talk to a friend. If you’ve made a huge mistake, find other people who have made that same mistake and find out what they did to fix it. Mistakes with money happen to everyone who uses money in some way, shape, or form. We’re all learning, so getting intelligence from someone who’s been in your shoes before can be extremely helpful.
Pride is one of the deadly sins because it’s so utterly corrupting. Don’t let pride spoil your relationships or your finances.
The Joy of Giving
Earlier this year, while at the March for Life, Alison and I were approached by a man selling official event hats. Ordinarily, I don’t bother buying branded merchandise from events, but this time, I did. He told me that the proceeds went to help a particular charity that provided housing and job training to the homeless. Since the hats were clearly high quality and bore the official logo of the March, I immediately reached for my wallet and bought two. The thing is, giving your money to help others is the most fun that you’ll ever have.
Being a Scrooge about making charitable donations is no way to live. A tight fist doesn’t let any money out, but it also doesn’t let anything else in. If you don’t give some of your money away to charitable causes, you’ve let money become your master. You’ll obsess over it, you’ll worry about it, and you’ll have anxiety about it. Try giving some away to get the right perspective again.
While giving away a portion of your money is a good thing, be sure you vet your designees. I don’t give money to charitable causes at the cash registers of stores for that very reason. I know nothing about those causes, I haven’t done my research, and I’m not sure if they do something that I find morally objectionable. You want your dollars to go far and to help as many people as you can. That’s why the research is so important.
It might even be fun to make giving your money away a game. Whose world can you completely change with a random act of generosity? Don’t just limit your giving to legally organized charities. While making giving a part of your tax strategy is probably something that you should be doing, don’t limit yourself. Help a struggling coworker or neighbor, give a huge tip to your pregnant waitress or people working during the holidays, or leave a nice tip for the hotel maid. In all of these cases you won’t get a tax write-off, but you’ll get something much better. You’ll have given an unexpected, and likely needed, gift to someone you’ve looked in the eyes.
While it may seem paradoxical, giving is the most fun that you’ll have with money. Give freely.
The Best Thing About Permanence
Marriage is designed to last. While that’s a simple statement, the implausibility of the construct makes it an enigma. How can two completely different adults, with completely different customs, traditions, and rearing, come together in their 20s or 30s and build an entirely new family that not only survives a 50 or 60 year marriage, but thrives and endures after the couple’s death? There is but one lynchpin in the whole system that keeps this complex arrangement together: permanence.
On their wedding day, couples promise to love and be faithful to one another until the end of their natural lives. Those two sentences are the bedrock of marriage and it’s only when the idea of permanence is abandoned that marriages fail.
The thing is, while many single people loathe commitment, it’s that very commitment that holds everything together. 50 years presents endless opportunities for screw ups, for handling situations poorly, and for making mistakes. Yet, despite those hundreds of thousands of errors, permanence holds it all together. Marriage can survive imperfection because both spouses have consented and promised to endure all trials, together, even when the other is causing the strife.
Permanence protects more than just the spouses; it protects the kids. Children are unable to grasp the nature of marriage, and so oftentimes children in broken homes blame themselves. It’s precisely because of permanence that children are able to live with their mom and dad and be nurtured and protected. Permanence binds parents together, working towards the ultimate goal of forming a well adjusted adult.
Without permanence, there is no marriage. Marriage is a safe haven, a refuge, a lighthouse in the storm. When things get tough, it shines it’s light into the situation reminding the quarreling spouses that this is a but a small disagreement in the scope of a 50+ year marriage. When permanence holds a family together, all members grow, thrive, and live in peace.
There is great irony in the fear of commitment by single people. These people fear being unable to remain committed, which is ironic because their fear is of the very thing that will keep their marriage together. Permanence isn’t a yoke, permanence is freedom. It’s freedom to give up everything for your spouse without worrying about being vulnerable. It’s the freedom to let your spouse work late, go out for drinks, or take a business trip without constant fear that they’re being unfaithful. It’s the freedom of the mind that allows one spouse to love the other without the oppressive entrapment of constant questioning. Permanence is what makes marriage and that’s a beautiful thing.
Quality Time Takes Time
The difference between men and women becomes abundantly clear when it comes to quality time. For men, quality time is like any other allocated time during the day, a set period of time with specific objectives that, once complete, can be moved on from. Women tend to have a more fluid concept of quality time. It’s an undetermined length of time and is fulfilled after a certain level of connectedness is reached. In order to help reconcile these differences, I’ve concluded that we men just need to concede this point. You can’t rush quality time and expect meaningful results.
When you and your wife desire quality time, I recommend that you schedule it somewhat in advance. The amount of lead time varies, but you need enough heads up so that you can clear at least two hours in your schedule. This doesn’t need to be a calendar appointment, but if you usually read in the evening and your wife wants some quality time, you need to make sure you get your reading out of the way earlier in the day so that it’s not hanging over you during your time together. It’s also important that you not watch the clock. We spend all of our day adhering to a schedule and it’s important that just for these few hours, you not worry about it.
Distractions are the enemy of quality time and they detract from an atmosphere of bonding. Take off your watch, put away your electronics, and just enjoy your time together. There may be other less obvious distractions and I’d hate for you to think that as long as you had taken care of putting your electronics away that there’d be no distraction. Distractions may also include a mess that needs to be cleaned up, a project that needs to be put away, or any other thing, project, or task that will divert your attention away from the quality time at hand. You know those things that distract you, so take care of them!
Finally, enjoy the process. Yes, this is time that you could be spending in several other ways, but you’ve chosen to share it with your wife. This is going to be a time of lowered stress and will be a great chance to bond with your wife. In the moment, it’s the best possible way to spend your time. Quality time takes time, and there’s no way around it. By planning for it, putting away any distractions, and simply enjoying the time together, you and your wife can both walk away from any time spent together satisfied that you’ve made a wise choice and are now a closer, happier couple.
Staying On Budget
Going over budget is never a good thing. Not only does it mean that you have to find the money somewhere else, it also means that you’ll experience a setback on your progress towards your current goals. There are two main reasons why people over spend: they didn’t budget enough money to start with or they didn’t anticipate certain expenses. If you’ve been diligently budgeting for a while, going over budget probably isn’t a result of irresponsibility, it may just be poor planning.
Good budgeting requires attentiveness. As time progresses, certain parts of your budget will need to be increased, while others can be decreased. Take Alison and I, for example. We’ve had the same budgeted amount for food since very early in our marriage. Now that Benedict is eating all solid food, our grocery budget is starting to get tight. So, it’s time for us to take a hard look at how much to increase our budget by. We also tend to run low on Household Goods money due to a number of small appliances that have needed to be replaced. A better technique would be for us to allocate above our normal monthly budget to cover those replacements.
If you’re overspending in your budget, it most likely is in either your grocery or household goods categories. That’s because most of us underestimate the amount that’s needed in both of those categories. Nutrition is important, so while we should be frugal, we can’t starve ourselves because it typically leads us to eating out. When you see a trend of overspending in the same category month after month, it’s time to accept reality, make a modest increase, and then move forward.
It can be helpful to have a prioritized list. For example, Alison and I categorize each household goods item as need versus want. We buy the needs immediately and the wants at the end of the month with the leftovers. A “need" would be soap, toothpaste, and other essentials while a “want" would be a replacement blender or other kitchen appliance. This approach ensures that we have enough for the essentials throughout the month.
It’s important to not make unilateral changes. The monthly budget committee meeting is where all of the decisions should be made. It’s too much of a burden for one spouse to have to be the keeper of all of the information. Work with your wife, make smart decisions, and fix the problem.
Overspending can be the result of irresponsibility, but it’s more likely that a family who budgets consistently simply has a planning issue. Ensure that your budget levels are appropriate for your family’s situation and get back into the black.
Get Your Wife to Heaven
If you want to be a really good husband, direct all of your actions towards getting your wife into Heaven. Essentially, that’s our mission in the married life. Certainly our love is meant to be shared completely and we’re to accept and raise any children that come into existence as a result. Yet, at the end of the day, everything points back to getting your wife into Heaven. What are you doing to accomplish that mission?
Marriage and our human minds are often at odds. While we’re certainly capable of living a faithful marriage, our mind struggles with the idea that it should be first seeking to aid and support someone else, even before self-preservation. This desire to look out before turning in on oneself is something that must be controlled through discipline. Your objective is to help your wife live a holy life and doing that will often look like something completely different.
Helping your wife live a holy life might look an awful lot like putting your kids to bed or cleaning the kitchen. Helping your wife live a holy life might look a lot like writing her a love letter or drawing a bath for her. You can help your wife live a holy life by removing friction in your relationship. Oftentimes, we cause our wife to sin or be tempted to sin. The near occasion of sin isn’t because of our ripped abs or perfectly chiseled face, but because we fail in our basic relational and domestic duties, which can cause her to become angry and impatient. The gold standard husband would be disciplined enough to be more concerned about her than he is about himself. He’d help her in any way, pray for her constantly, and not lead his wife into sin.
You don’t want your wife to suffer. You seek the good for her and try to make her as comfortable as possible. You want what’s best for her. All of these things are good things and they’re the exact reasons that in addition to helping her with her material needs, you need to help her with her spiritual needs. Lead family prayer, go to Mass together, and take care of the kids so she can make it to Confession every once in a while. You can go a step further by praying for her daily and frequently throughout the day. Pray her for in the morning, at night, at meals, and by offering up small things throughout the day.
Your mission is to get your wife to Heaven. That’s your priority. You can help by reducing the instances that would give her cause to be upset or impatient, you can help by praying for her, and you can help by meeting her spiritual needs. At the end of the day, your vocation is to help your wife live a holy life. Start helping her do that right now.
Marriage and Patience
A few weeks ago, Alison and I went to a live radio show. That sentence felt weird to type, but it’s true. We traveled into Washington, DC to be a part of the studio audience for “The Catholic Guy Show” with Lino Rulli which can be heard on SiriusXM’s The Catholic Channel. During the show, I got up on the guest mic and for reasons unknown to me, admitted to an international listening audience that my biggest struggle in the married life is with patience. The fact is, it’s true, although I didn’t plan on sharing that part of my life when I got on air. There are plenty of times when I get really impatient at even the smallest inconveniences. Yet, I know that I’ll never be happy in my marriage or in my life if I’m impatient.
Teams work together and they recognize that there will be errors from time to time. They don’t judge, they don’t blame, they get frustrated for a moment and then get back in the game. It’s when a team doesn’t get their focus back that the errors compound. The same is true for us. Each time we act in an unloving way, we need to knock it off and get our head back in the game. This is especially important when we’re inconvenienced in a very minor way.
The fact is that all of our time is valuable and you can respect your wife’s by giving her the immediate attention that she requests. For example, if you’re working on a project and she needs to ask your opinion on something, take a moment, give her your opinion and then get back to work. This course of action will leave both of you satisfied and will be far less detrimental to your forward progress than a reaction of anger and frustration. Sometimes impatience isn’t a result of anyone’s actions but your own. If you manage your time well, then you’ll be able to better adapt to fluid demands on your schedule. Work in the time that you’ve allotted, get your chores done when you plan to, and avoid pushing up against deadlines. All of these strategies will reduce the chances of your becoming impatient with someone that you really love.
Despite our best efforts, it’s unrealistic to expect that your patience won’t be tried or that you’ll never act impatiently. I’ve found that impatience creeps up quickly and at inopportune moments. The key to really becoming a more patient person is to be constantly working towards it. Accept small failures, but learn from those encounters ways to improve and get better. Try new strategies and setup new responses. For example, decide that whenever your wife asks something of you, you’ll stop everything that you’re doing and give her your full attention.
Patience is formed over time. With a little work and a lot of intentionality, you’ll be able to better respond to your wife’s needs and you’ll both enjoy a lower-stress marriage.