Marriage
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Be open to new ways of doing things
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Be slow to judgement on new things
Nothing Sexier Than an AIDS Test
Let’s get real.
There is nothing sexier than getting an AIDS test with your fiancee. (Not even a long walk on the beach at sunset!)
And that’s the only proof that I need to prove that the Church is right on celibacy for singles.
For 2,000 years, the Church has maintained that our human sexuality, an integral part of our personhood, is sacred. It is not meant for us to horde or use selfishly. We are called to preserve it as a gift for our spouse.
Today, the world says it is remotely part of you but only there for your own gratification.
If you listen to the world, you’ll be able to have an experience unlike any other! You have finally found the woman you want to marry. You are more in love with her than any woman before her. You propose, she says yes. Success!
Then you walk, hand in hand, to your Doctor’s office to get tested for sexually transmitted infections. Now that’s a love story!
It’s just not a love story that I’m interested in.
Saving your sexuality for marriage is the best gift you can give your spouse. She will have no infections to worry about, no standards to compare to. It will just be both of you, together, in mutual self gift.
No blood sample required.
It’s A Race to the Top!
“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." - GK Chesterton
When my wife first showed me that quote, I hated it.
Those words were spoken (or maybe written) by G.K. Chesterton. I looked on Google, but it wasn’t in the top five results, so I stopped trying to find the source.
GK is an Englishman from the early 1900s who has been featured in a few Marriage Quote Wednesdays here in the Field Manual.
I won’t pretend to know what Chesterton meant by the quote, especially since I have zero context. But, what I think he might have been getting at was that war has a lot of unknowns and that’s what makes it exciting. You prepare, you take your gear, and you take a chance.
I hated the quote because I put it in the box in my mind marked “Worldview of Marriage.” That worldview sucks. From that view point Marriage is a drag; it’s hell. I get no time for myself, I never get to pick the movie, and my wife tells me what I do and do not like to eat. As Bernie Mac said in the recent remake of “Guess Who” (2005), “It’s a war!”
That negative worldview is the main reason why I started this Field Manual. Marriage isn’t a war between husband and wife. It isn’t hell. It isn’t a war between parents and children. It doesn’t suck. It’s a love story.
Not a Taylor Swift love story, but a true love story. A true love story has only winners. Taylor’s love stories have one winner (her) and a ton of losers (every man she sings about).
Marriage is a story in which all of the characters have the golden opportunity to win.
Did you know that? Did you know that you can win at Marriage?
I’ll even throw in the secret, just because you’ve read this far.
The way you win is by loving your spouse more than you love yourself.
Full disclaimer: I love me. A lot.
I’m awesome. I’m funny, intelligent, and witty. People like me, I drive an awesome car (Prius), I have a cat, and I pay my own bills. I have a unique job, I like cycling, and I walk almost 90,000 steps a week (US average is 21,000). I have an iPhone, an iPad, an iMac, and an AppleTV. People are lucky to know me! I’m the total package.
So if I can love my wife more than I love that guy in the mirror, I’ve definitely won.
The real magic happens when you realize that your wife is on the same mission. She’s trying to love me more than she loves herself. It’s a race to the top!
We’re human, so we won’t reach perfect. That’s what makes the love story so spicy. We fall, we fail, but we get up and keep striving to reach perfection.
So, if you’re afraid that you’re going to be a terrible husband, keep this entry in mind. If you’re married and you’re slacking, it’s time to change this thing.
The best defense against being a deadbeat husband is a good offense of love.
Let’s do this.
Happiness: Width vs. Depth
So, you’re considering getting married?
You are all excited about your potential future with this woman. You are reveling in the feeling when one of your bum friends comes up to you and ruins your day. “How can you be with just one person for your whole life?”
It’s a common objection. After all, we are a consumer generation. We consume commodities and sadly, people.
When you’re an eligible bachelor, you are a lion. You are tearing through the jungle of love chasing anything that moves. You enjoy the thrill of the chase while your mane flutters in the wind.
The game is fun, there’s no denying that). You have a young lady in mind and you must play your cards right to secure that first date.
But how do you keep that first date feeling going 10 years into a marriage? The chase is over.
The problem is with your thinking. You are confusing the width and depth of happiness.
When you’re on the prowl, you’re securing a shallow level of happiness. Shallow doesn’t mean bad. After all, a good thing is good only in moderation. Trying to achieve a shallow level of happiness is an appropriate place to be on the first few dates.
If you think you’re going to experience the same levels of excitement in your married life, you are truly setting your marriage up for failure.
Dating is a short game. Marriage is a long game.
While dating, you are in one phase of life: young(ish), bachelor, no kids.
While married, you pass through multiple phases of life: young and no kids, first time parent, multi-child family, empty-nesters, grandparent.
In marriage, you don’t seek the shallow happiness, you go deeper. Your joy is found in the life you build with your wife for your family. Your joy comes from getting to know someone exclusively. That continual shared experience is what drives your happiness.
There will be shallow level happiness in marriage. But it is not what you are going for. Deep happiness (aka joy) is the sweet spot of marriage.
Enjoy the bachelor life while you are in that state. When you pledge your love to a woman on your wedding day, turn off the consumer mentality and start to dig deeper.
Marriage: The Ultimate Team Sport
Being married is like being on a game show.
You have chosen a partner with whom you will compete against any number of external challenges and obstacles.
Marriage is the ultimate team sport. You and your spouse will need to accomplish, at a minimum, the following: maintain financial solvency, balance work and life, maintain a household, achieve adequate nutrition, further careers, and perhaps raise a few more humans along the way.
It’s fun. It really is. You get to create something totally your own, a family. The traditions, past times, activities, cuisine, decor, it is all up to the both of you.
There will be some awesome trips, some fabulous activities and neat people along the way, but there will also be struggles. There will be growing pains and sufferings.
The bottom line is that everything you do, you do as a team.
Choose your teammate wisely.
Family Merging
When you get married, you become something totally new.
Two worlds, two families, two long lines of rich tradition must now form a unique hybrid. It is the opportunity for you and your spouse to create something that is truly your own. However, you should proceed with caution.
For both spouses, there are elements of life that must be preserved. The important elements that much be preserved depends on the person. For me, a big element was food. I like most kinds of food, but I can still be picky. It was important that I was eating recipes that I was accustomed to in order to feel “normal.” For you, it may be other elements such as household decor, time of Mass on Sundays, holiday plans and traditions.
The early days of your marriage are the most precarious. You are two people who may be used to living on your own for some time, trying to get back into the routine of living in community. That means that you might not be able to leave your clothes piled on the bed anymore. You must be sensitive to the wants, needs, and desires of your spouse.
The best way to merge two families is communication. Sharing what is important and what you value with your spouse can make it easier for them to understand your vision for your life together. Listening to your spouse’s sharing can do the same for you.
There are two things that will make your life easier:
Your spouse wants to invite you into their very personal family traditions and you want to do the same. The worst thing you could do is refuse to participate. You may like their traditions more than your own, or you both together might develop a fun hybrid. This can go a long way in the emotional bonding that will need to take place in the building of the foundation of your marriage.
Second, be slow to judgement on new things. As humans, we don’t like change. However, when we put up barriers, we close off the possibility of us getting to enjoy something new. Take your time, understand the tradition, and enjoy the discovery process.
Merging families isn’t easy, but at the end of the process, you will both have a deeper and richer unique set of family traditions that your children will enjoy all the days of their lives.
She’s Perfect
Your wife is perfect for you. She is exactly what you need.
From the beginning of time and space, you were both meant to be together, to form a domestic Church.
Think about that for a few moments. In all of time and space, you two found each other. The perfect background story set you both up for success. It is because of past relationships and hurts that you were both looking for something particular. It was through a very complex chain of choices that you both met each other, against all odds. Two people finding each other in an ocean of 6 billion people.
That says something to me, and I hope it says something to you. It is no accident that you met. It is no accident that you got married.
Life doesn’t happen on accident. This truth speaks something very clear to me.
If, against all odds, you found each other, there must be a particular reason. Divine Providence brought you together, go make something of it!
If She’s Not With You, Don’t Do It
Having a good wife is a great blessing.
Not all men have good wives. Some women only care about themselves. Sadly, many men have this same problem.
A good wife, though, is worth more than one might expect. Here are a few of the benefits of having one (this list is not inclusive):
• She is a sounding board
• She can see your blind spots
• She knows how you think and can expand on your ideas
Naturally, your wife is more than an auxiliary brain. She is a whole human person. The value that she adds to your life, however, is beyond measure.
That is why whenever you embark on a major journey, task, career move, or project, you really shouldn’t go it alone. In fact, doing just that can be a detriment to your marriage.
When you work on a major project without your wife, you can leave her feeling alienated. She may have input that she would like to give. She might know of a better way of doing something. She may even have done something similar in the past and can help you avoid pitfalls.
Working on a project with your wife can actually enhance your work. With her support behind you, your success may know no bounds. Why? It is no longer just you pushing and having to drag her behind. You are both pulling, together.
Your wife is your inner circle. She is your primary support network. She can push you out of bed early in the morning. She can give you words of encouragement as you are starting to fail. She can give you wise counsel at a moment’s notice.
Don’t ignore this powerful tool in your toolbox. The support of your wife will carry you farther, faster than anything else can.
She is a gift from God. Cherish her.
Choosing Your Pain
In your marriage, there will be pain. This is inevitable.
There are three types of pain. Some of the pain you will have no control over. Other pain you will cause. The worst pain of all is that which is totally avoidable, but through your choices, you introduce it into your life.
The key to pain is minimizing it. You can’t choose when people you love will die, but you can choose how you treat your wife. If you spend years neglecting the gift of your wife, how much pain do you think you’ll go through when you try to re-engage and she has emotionally checked out?
I want to focus on the third type of pain, that which can be prevented The third type is the worst, by far. The pain comes primarily from the knowledge that you don’t have to go through it, that you could have made different choices and avoided the hurt.
Well, the easiest example is debt. You chose to borrow money you didn’t have (to impress people you don’t like), and at some point, the money has to be repaid. Your choice, your consequence-there will be pain. Oh, there will be pain.
How do you deal with it?
You will have to make choices that you don’t want to. You will have to sell something you love, stop doing something you like, or work harder than you ever have before.
Yet, even here, pain offers you a rose. If you and your wife can join together in choosing which pain you prefer, you can find strength.
It will still be hard and it will still hurt. But you won’t be facing it alone.
Do good. Avoid pain. When you do find it, make sure you are on the right side of it. Which side is the right side? The one that puts you and your wife on the same team.
Pray Together
The old saying goes, “The family that prays together, stays together.”
Sadly, today many families don’t pray together at all.
As men, we are called to be the head of the household, the head of our domestic church. Many men don’t pray with their families because our intentions reveal our inner vulnerability.
We cannot abdicate our role as spiritual head of our family.
This is what separates the boys from the men. Men show strength through vulnerability. Boys peacock.
If you already don’t pray with your family, today’s a great day to start.
Loyalty vs. Fidelity
In this past Christmas Season, I had been reading some of the writings of Archbishop Chaput. In one of his works, he discussed meeting a young woman who was seeking a husband who wasn’t loyal, but was faithful.
There is an important distinction between the two. In fact, this young woman was on to something. In the pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern wold of the Second Vatican Council, Gaudium et Spes, the Church addresses this topic in number 48. The Council Fathers write, in part, “This intimate union in the mutual self-giving of two persons, as well as the good of the children, demands full fidelity from both, and an indissoluble unity between them.”
Loyalty is a great thing. In fact, loyalty can make a great business or personal relationship. Yet, it is quite ordinary. It is so ordinary, in fact, that even a dog can do it.
Marriage requires something even greater than “acceptable.”
Fidelity is absolute. There is no “mostly faithful” or “kinda faithful.” You are either faithful or you aren’t. The pure love that marriage nurtures cannot exist with absolute fidelity. Who wants a fair weather friend? Worse, a fair weather spouse. The self giving love of marriage does not permit degrees of fidelity, it must be complete in order to survive.
Loyalties can change (or be bought), fidelity is permanent.