Marriage
The Blame Game
Perhaps the most crippling and meaningless activity in American workplaces is the blame game. Every single worker can easily recall a recent time when an error occurred, and the workforce spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out who to blame, instead of fixing the problem.
The scary part? We do this in our marriages all the time.
When you’re a young family, there are a lot of errors going on. Benedict will roll around on the floor until he gets into trouble. Alison forgets to lock the car. I screw up the daily schedule and don’t make dinner on time. It’s part of the human existence to make mistakes. If I spend time blaming Alison for something going wrong, I reduce the amount of time I have to either fix the issue or respond in love.
Blame creates division. Division leads to fights.
That simple chain of events results in what I would estimate to be the vast majority of marital fights. So when something goes wrong, how should we respond? We have three options:
• Ignore fault. Let’s face it, most of the things that go “wrong” in our daily life are completely inconsequential. Who cares if dinner isn’t ready on time and we eat 30 minutes late. Does it really matter that the car was unlocked for the 15 minutes we were in the store? So the kids got into something they shouldn’t have. They’re kids… it’s what they do. If we chose to just not care about who caused the situation, we can devote our energy to other worthwhile things.
• Acknowledge it was an accident. Your wife does very few things to intentionally offend you. Hopefully it’s vice versa. So when something happens, she didn’t do it on purpose. Acknowledge that she’s human and just move on with your life.
• Respond in love. Many of our mistakes are embarrassing. Screwing up the finances, getting into a car accident, or even your child eating something they shouldn’t have. When you know you’re the root cause, it’s a miserable feeling. Understand that your wife is going through those emotions and show her that it’s not a big deal and that you still love her.
Don’t let blame ruin your relationship. It’s an exercise in wasted time and effort.
What A Nice Compliment
As a society that strives for absolute equality, we’ve really missed the boat on something key. In our rush to make sure that we don’t offend anyone or hurt their feelings, we’ve given up on the idea that being unequal in some things might actually be a good and beneficial thing.
Alison and I’s move was a great marital experience. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it was tiring. It was also refreshing. Spending all of that time together and working so closely gave me plenty of opportunities to see how our differences make us perfect together. It reaffirmed me in my decision to ask her to spend the rest of her life with me.
Some people would have us believe that differences make one gender lesser or subservient to the other. That’s just not true. Our differences are our strengths. They should be celebrated!
• Differences benefit each other. If I was responsible for hemming the curtains in our house, we’d be sunk. The fact that Alison is naturally crafty picks up the slack where I don’t have a strength.
• Differences remind us that we’re made for each other. Forever is a long time. We need constant reminders that we’re on the right path. The complimentary nature of our differences can be that reminder.
• Differences benefit children. I’m not sure what kind of learner Benedict will be, but I know that with Alison and I’s different styles, he’s going to have lots of opportunities to learn new things. Sometimes he’ll need someone to hold him and other times he’ll need some tough love. With Alison and I being different, we can give him exactly what he needs.
• Sameness is boring! Let’s face it, although you’re perfect, you’d be bored being married to yourself. Our differences keep things spicy.
No one is weaker than another or better than another for being different. Our differences cause us to compliment each other. Celebrate your manliness!
Love Letters
Marriage is all about daily rediscovery. Being that marriage is a relationship that spans several decades, both you and your wife change. With that change comes the need to constantly tend to your relationship. There are memorable summers and beautiful falls. There are cold winters and rejuvenating springs. One of the best, and most classy ways to keep your relationship in tip top shape is through love letters.
Love letters are great in their own little ways. Here are a few of the best reasons to sit down and write your wife a love letter today.
• Love letters are always welcome. Unlike many of our romantic gestures your wife will never reject a heart felt note from you.
• Love letters help you express feelings that you can’t express verbally. When sharing deep feelings with your wife, it can be a challenge to get the words out. It’s much easier to be expressive with the written word.
• They remind her that she’s loved. Just the thought that you took some of your time to sit down and tell her that you love her tells her all that she needs to know.
• They remind her that she’s the most important thing in your life. She is.
So sit down, pull out a pen and some stationary, and write your wife a love letter today!
How to Handle Decisions
One of the biggest jumps to make between the single life and the married life is the transition to shared decision making.
I’ve shared many times before, both here and in “The Transition,” the story about Alison and I’s fight over menu planning. (Short version: I thought she wanted to spend too much, she thought I was demanding that we budget too little. We let her have control and a budget and everything worked out really well… especially for me). The point of the story, and I’m sure many other instances from our young marriage, is that decisions need to be made together, but they can be managed individually.
“There’s too many cooks in the kitchen.” Sometimes even two cooks is too many. With many decisions, the execution is best done by one person.
The best way to handle the many complex issues and demands that your marriage will face is to make major decisions together and delegate the implementation to one spouse.
• Spouses should always know what’s going on. As a team, you can only work at your best when you’re both in the loop. You make better decisions, you communicate better, and the transparency introduces harmony into the relationship. When it’s a good decision you’re working on (i.e. a vacation or your dream home), your spirits are lifted. When it’s a challenging decision (i.e. illness or discipline) you share the burden.
• Not everything needs two managers. You and your wife agree on the budget every month, but do you both really need to be monitoring the checking account and updating your tracking software? Do you really both need to do the detailed menu planning and grocery planning?
• Delegate to the spouse with the strength. We each bring strengths to the table. When a couple delegates implementation to the spouse with a strength in the particular area, the family wins. When Alison and I delegate menu planning to Alison, we all eat better. When Alison and I delegate budget tracking to me, we all have access to budgeting software that’s up-to-date.
• The spouse who isn’t responsible should maintain periodic check-ins. Once implementation is delegated, the non-responsible spouse isn’t off the hook. They should check in periodically to make sure everything is on track and that they’s in the loop.
Being a couple and being a family means doing what’s best for everyone. By making the major decisions together and delegating implementation, you can avoid fights and move your family forward.
10 Date Night Ideas
There’s a growing body of research that’s demonstrating that regular date nights with your spouse can significantly increase the happiness in your marriage. Sadly, few married couples make time to have exclusive spousal relationship time.
A weekly date night might sound like a lot, especially when you have some big financial goals to hit. Here are 10 ideas for your date night that are budget friendly.
• Go on a nature hike. In the United States, we’re lucky to have an expansive and affordable parks system. Find a local park and go explore!
• Cook a new recipe. New experiences are always an adventure. Spend the evening together cooking in the kitchen.
• Take a pilgrimage to a local holy site. There are a surprising number of holy sites within a reasonable distance from your home. Local dioceses have many of these hidden gems if you know where to look.
• Go star gazing. Nothing’s more humbling than looking up in the night sky and seeing it filled with stars. If you live in the city or somewhere where’s there’s lots of light at night, find a spot out in the country and enjoy the Milky Way!
• Watch a movie on the lawn. Sure, we watch movies on a regular basis, but what about ones projected onto the side of your house or garage? Find a projector to rent or borrow, pull out a blanket, and enjoy a movie in a new way.
• Take a Parks and Recreation class. Your local parks & rec department puts on classes on a regular basis on a variety of classes. They might be cooking classes, dancing classes, or even foreign language classes. The great thing is that they’re extremely cost effective. Find one to take together!
• Take dancing lessons. Dance lessons have been popular among married couples for some time. It might be worth taking a look.
• Learn a new language. Foreign languages can be tough to learn, and the less you use it, the more you forget. Pick a language and then immerse your relationship in it.
• Solve a puzzle. Puzzle building is a classic family activity. Why not bring it back?
• Visit a museum. Museums are popping up all across the country, even in small towns. Find one of these local attractions and check it out!
Planning date nights isn’t hard, but keeping it as a priority can be. With a plan in place, it can be much easier to stick to weekly date nights.
Sleeping with A Friend
A few months ago, I wrote about how I’ve been trying to watch what types of media I consume. The premise is that you become the media that you consume. One of the popular songs today that I’ve been trying to avoid is “Sleeping with a Friend” by Neon Trees.
The premise of the song is that the subject is developing a strong sexual attraction for a close friend and is trying to resist the temptation. It’s a popular song, no doubt, but a strange premise. The lyrics suggest that the liaison is all but inevitable. It’s actually sad that the subject has such a narrow view of sexuality.
Sexual temptation is something that we all face. We have urges and tendencies that are meant to be used for the good. As with other things meant for good, they’re in danger of being corrupted. The problem with sexual sins in particular is that they reduce everyone involved from persons to objects.
We were made for greatness, for perfection. We were given our creative powers to use within the marital context to bring forth life. When we use our sexuality for anything else, we reduce our capacity for love. We reduce the other person’s dignity. They’re no longer a person worthy of respect and honor, they’re a means to an end. They’re a necessary accessory to our desires.
Sleeping with a friend outside of marriage leads to ruin.
The good news is two-fold. First, we’re never tested beyond what we’re capable of. Second, where temptation is, grace abounds all the more.
It’s not all bad, though. Sleeping with your best friend is amazing. Sleeping with your wife is a great thing because you’re both safe. You both completely surrender to each other, you give each other your whole selves, and in the process your love may create a new life. Sleeping with your wife doesn’t bring shame and regret. It brings harmony and strength of relationship.
We’re given far too many chances to reduce the greatness of our sexuality to the nothingness of imitation. Life’s not worth wasting your time on meaningless pursuits.
How to Be An Awesome Husband
Step 1: Do something that will make your wife’s life easier.
Step 2: Repeat.
Inside Jokes
We all love to be a part of inside jokes. These jokes come about when we have a shared experience with someone else. The joy of an event lives on when similar circumstances reappear in your life. After all, life is more fun when you’re enjoying it.
Finding inside jokes with your spouse can be especially beneficial. Alison and I recently received a gift card to a local ice cream shop for Christmas. They had just opened up a new location near our house, so we ventured out to get a sweet treat on a dark winter’s night. After they served us, I presented the gift card for payment, but their system wasn’t ready to accept it. So, they gave us the ice cream free of charge.
It would have been just another story, had it not happened repeatedly. In total, before all was said and done, we went to the store four times without paying for our ice cream. It remains hilarious to us to this day.
Inside jokes represent a deep level of human connection. Sharing a laugh is one of the most powerful forms of bonding communication in the known universe. Inside jokes keep relationships playful and they keep us rooted in the past. They can help us to remember the good times when we’re going through a rough patch.
The key to an inside joke is to look for opportunities to find a new one.
Be Adventurous
Marriage isn’t the end. It’s the beginning.
Marriage isn’t “turning in the keys.” It’s putting the keys into the ignition.
Be bold.
Be bold in your dreams.
Be bold in your work.
Be bold in your prayer.
Be bold in your marriage.
Live your adventure.
What this Ring Means
Your wedding ring is a constant reminder of your wife’s love and fidelity. It’s a circle, without beginning or end. It’s perpetual.
Your wedding ring was freely given. It shows the world that you’re set apart. You’re reserved.
Your wedding ring is made of a strong metal. It represents an indissoluble bond.
Your wedding ring is a permanent fixture on your hand, just as your marital bond is permanent.
We’re called to the vocation of marriage. We’re called to the freedom that only marriage can give.
Our ring is a small symbol of a supernatural reality.