Health
The Importance of Self-Care
When I was first preparing to transition to my new life as a stay-at-home dad, there was a movement happening within the writing circles that I followed. I wanted to see what other writers were doing and hoped to pick up some tips and tricks from them. I wanted learn how to write better. One of the authors that I followed was Jon Acuff. At that time, he was talking in detail about the right way to handle your side project. One of his biggest takeaways was that you should be selfish at 5am.
Acuff correctly assumed that the 5 o’clock hour was a ripe opportunity to have time just for yourself. Most of your family is sleeping and you probably don’t need to start getting ready for work until 6:00am. By being selfish, he was encouraging his readers to get up a a little bit earlier than normal and work on something that they were passionate about. During those 30 or 60, you could work on whatever that thing was.
His point was two-fold. First, by opening up this time in your schedule, you really did have the time to chase your dream. Second, it’s natural to think that if you can’t do something full time, you shouldn’t do it at all. That idea was blown out of the water by this technique because writing for 30 minutes each morning, over long periods of time, could produce plenty of content for a blog or perhaps the first draft of a manuscript.
Seven years later, I’m still participating in the 5 Club, even though it doesn’t get much attention anymore. The app has long since been removed from the App Store and I haven’t heard Jon talk about this idea on his blog in years. For me, it was transformative idea.
Waking up at 5:00am is not fun. Neither is 6:00am or even 7:00am. Waking up is a daily challenge. Switching from a dormant state to an active one is a big jump for your body. After waking up at the new time consistently for two weeks, it becomes more natural. Opening up that time has been critical to my success and stability as a stay-at-home dad.
Self-Awareness
The gift of self-awareness is one that few bother to develop. In the midst of our busyness, we become numb. The curiosity of our youth fades, until we go through the motions of life without admiring the beauty and truth around us. Our bodies send us hints and signals throughout the day, telling us exactly what we need. Our lack of curiosity leads us to respond to those subtle cues inappropriately or ignore them altogether. Developing a sense of self-awareness can help us give our bodies just what they need.
In some ways, I didn’t work on my sense of self-awareness because I was afraid. I didn’t want to know what was really going on at my core. I preferred to create my own narrative, setting aside the helpful suggestions that my body was giving me.
I’m shocked at this lack of curiosity. I received all of this information, and ignored it. I was longing for meaningful activity; instead I ate a bowl of ice cream and rewatched The Office. I was feeling unsettled; I didn’t stop to realize my day was jammed with no down time.
Just as I learned about the unique connection between physical and spiritual health, I think that there’s a similar connection between health and self-awareness.
To redevelop my self-awareness and nurture my curiosity, I first turned to mindfulness. I spent about 10 minutes in the morning, and again in the evening, in quiet meditation and prayer using the Hallow app. Later, I added in the practice of intermittent fasting. Intermittent fasting is intentionally dividing your day between two periods: eating and fasting. For example, you might choose to eat during eight hours of the day and refrain from eating during the other sixteen.
Over time, as mindfulness and intermittent fasting took root in my routine, I noticed a difference. Through these habits, I have time in my day to pause. I consider and acknowledge any signals from my body that I receive and then choose the best response.
When it’s meal time, I ask myself, “Am I hungry?” What does my body say? If I’m satiated, there’s no need to eat. If I’m hungry, then I eat.
When I feel anxious, I ask myself is the cause something from my physical or mental state? Or perhaps is there something in my environment causing this anxiety?
Curiosity is a wonderful gift, and a strong sense of self-awareness is a trustworthy guide. If you want to work on developing either, consider gradually integrating mindfulness and intermittent fasting into your life.
Transformation
There’s something natural about self-criticism. We see ourselves in pictures, and we instantly focus on our faults and imperfections. In many ways, those pictures don’t align with the way that we see ourselves. I had an incredible experience of taking a picture that I felt perfectly captured me. I saw in that image the physical transformation that I’ve undergone this year. It reminds me of the overwhelming power of redemption. No matter how far gone we are, there’s always a way back.
Since Christmas, Alison and I have been working on our physical health. In one form or another, I’ve been doing this kind of work since 2011. This year, though, has been profoundly different. Working together, we’ve diligently stuck to our diet. In addition, I’m walking almost daily. The results are exactly what should be expected from a program of diet and exercise. I’m at my lowest weight in five years, and overall, I’m healthier than I was seven years ago.
The photograph has beautifully captured the transformation. In it, I see beauty. I see vibrance and life. I see a completely different man than I saw in the mirror last winter.
The kind of radical change that I’ve experienced in my physical appearance is possible with the state of my soul. No matter how cold, hard, or selfish I’ve become, a complete change is possible. It starts in the confessional through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It’s reinforced through the transformative Eucharist. It’s nurtured through a robust daily prayer life.
The care, health, and wellness of our soul is the work of a lifetime. The same elements that contribute to an improvement in physical health are required for the improvement of spiritual health. We need a solid blueprint, a clear-eyed goal, and daily diligence. I will never become a saint, or even know peace, unless I put in the work.
Mindfulness
My experience with mindfulness is a bit checkered. I’ve used a few of the popular apps out there to learn the practice, to some degree of success. For one reason or another, though, the habit just didn’t stick. I’d loathe the 10 minutes of silence, totally defeating the purpose. Mindfulness finally clicked for me when I connected it to my faith. No longer was I seeking to focus solely on myself; rather, I was taking time to intimately be with God.
For many years, mindfulness and meditation have been suggested to me for improving my physical health. Migraines thrive on an overactive nervous system, and mindfulness has been show to reduce that hyperactivity. At least three separate times, I tried to implement mindfulness into my daily routine. Each method that I tried to learn, whether through a book or an app, wanted me to “just simply be.” Reaching that state required a laser-like focus on myself in each moment. I would try to discover how I feel, what’s going on in my body, and what do I sense in this moment?
Only now, in hindsight, do I see the problem with these methods. These guides were telling me to turn inward to find peace, when the true source of peace is God. I can’t find peace, or be truly present in the moment, without shifting my focus off of me and onto the Giver.
There are several really good meditation apps in the iOS App Store. Modern, beautiful, easy to use, and really enticing. I used several of them, but I hesitated from subscribing to any of the big ones, like Calm. The price tag was just too high for something that I wasn’t enjoying.
That all changed when I found Hallow. One evening, I was searching for Catholic apps to install on my phone. There are very few apps that are both Catholic and really good. Hallow’s app icon first caught my eye. It was bold and I was instantly drawn to it. I downloaded the app and started playing around with it. The user interface is at the level of some recent Apple Design Award winners. It’s clean, simple, and delightful.
After experimenting for a few minutes, I started the sessions. Hallow has what they call “praylists.” These are a series of meditations on a particular topic. I did my first session and immediately felt the connection. 10 minutes wasn’t arduous or boring, it was a joy. I looked forward to my time meditating and praying. I enjoyed it so much, I now do two 10-minute sessions a day, with ease.
The creators of Hallow have put a lot of thought and effort into their app. Not only does it look and feel good, the content is rock solid. It’s not thin and it’s not too dense. The theological value hits right in the middle of leading you deeper into prayer and then getting out of the way so that you can pray.
Background soundscapes are an important component in modern mindfulness apps. Developers are constantly creating and adding new background noises for users to listen to while meditating. There’s the classic thunderstorm soundscape or a babbling river, all the way to New Age electronic trance music.
Hallow has three background soundscapes, but one totally caught me by surprise; silence. No noise, whatsoever. The narrator leads me, and then leaves me in peace. He pops back in for a prompt or two, but when he’s quiet, my world is quiet. I relish this peacefulness.
I subscribed to a full year of Hallow because I want this app to continue to grow and expand. The App Store is in a malaise, with hundreds of thousands of apps, but only a few good ones. The golden era that the early days of the store are long gone, and now you have to really search for the diamonds in the rough. Hallow is a true diamond.
If you want to take your prayer life in a new direction, or if you want to get into mindfulness, you need to take a look at Hallow. Spend your meditation time connecting deeper with your Creator.
Headspace
Cal Newport, the university professor and researcher who famously has never joined any social media network, published a remarkable book this year that has received much attention. _Digital Minimalism_ is Newport’s response to a culture of increasing isolation and higher levels of depression and anxiety.
In the book, Newport highlights research that suggests that high frequency dependence on digital devices is leading to previously unseen rates of depression and anxiety in young adults. His research finds that the spike occurred around 2007, at the beginning of the smart phone resolution. In the book, Newport talks to college mental health professionals who are seeing dramatic changes in their practice because of this shift.
Newport’s solution isn’t to buy a dumb phone and reject technology. His approach advocates for users to first define their values, and then only incorporate technologies that align with those values.
One of the biggest technology struggles that we face is the “quick glance.” In any moment of down-time, we reach for the closest device and try to fill the time. We’re afraid of being alone with our thoughts. I hate the feeling of the quick glance. I know that there are other, better ways to spend my time and engage with my family, but instead I’m refreshing the same website over and over to no end.
Many of us see our relationship with our phone as unhealthy. That’s a correct judgement. I’ve undertaken the digital detox laid out in the book, in which I define rules for my technology that I find problematic in my life for 30 days. After the detox is complete and my values are clear, I can add back the technologies that are most important to me.
One of my rules is that my cell phone lives on the kitchen counter when I’m at home, not in my pocket. When it’s in my pocket, I feel the weight and naturally reach for it. If it’s on the kitchen counter in the other room, I have to think for a moment and consider whether or not I need it.
This small behavior change has given me a tremendous amount of headspace. Instead of frittering away any available moment on my phone, I’m alone with my thoughts. And I have many thoughts. My mind has the time and attention it needs to work through problems, generate ideas, and even process my task list. I feel much more balanced as I go through the day, and my mood has improved.
Drowning out our thoughts in an ocean of distraction is not a way to live. Consider the technology that you use, eliminate the ones that don’t add high levels of value, and give your mind the space and peace it needs to work.
Twenty Nineteen
In years past, I would take this opportunity to recap my year prior and lay out my plan for the new year. It’s a great time to take stock of your life and consider where you are and where you’d like to be. This year, things are different.
I’ve been working on building up my own self-awareness and, over the past several months, I’ve realized just how far I’ve slipped. Pretty much the past four years have been on a downward trend as my energies have gone towards caring for my children instead of caring for myself. This state of chaos that we all experience is a very real one, and it needs serious consideration.
My children need my help, but they also need me to help myself. They need me to be clean, clear, present, and prepared to engage in adventures as they explore their world. If I’m chronically behind on cleaning, unkempt, and low on energy, it’s a disservice to them.
This year is going to be a change year for me. I’m going to be hyper focused on improving my own physical, emotional, and mental health so that I can be better equipped to run around with three kids for twelve hours each that. That’ll require the discipline to stay on top of my housework, to reduce my digital dependance throughout the day, and a commitment to exercise and better eating.
These aren’t resolutions, these are revolutions. I’m changing my relationship with food and with myself, and in doing so, I’ll be ready to accept every invitation to build LEGOs or have a tea party.
Thinking Forward
Typically at the end of the year, I’ll write a post about my goals, both looking back and planning forward. Like most people, I have a checkered track record. That fact, however, has yet to discourage me.
One of my big pushes this year was to read 24 books, or an average of two per month. I flamed out early, and then got to work in earnest over the summer. I didn’t end up reading 24 books; I read 30.
My first book for this year is Best Year Ever by Michael Hyatt. He’s had this program for a few years, and at the start of 2018 released a book version of his course. I planned on reading it early this year, but balked at buying it. I concluded, wrongly, that it was going to be too abstract.
Perhaps the best lesson that I took away from the book was finishing your past. We have negative experiences, many from years ago, that continue to shape and impact our thinking and decision making today. Failures from years ago dog us, weighing on our forward progress. In the book, Hyatt lays out an After Action Report that helps to process those events.
In thinking about my overall mindset, I realized just how many of those negative thoughts were bouncing around in my head. I used the process to purge them. Now I’m ready to take on a new year with a fresh perspective.
So much of our lives and our wellness are entirely within our control. Not the events that play out, but rather how we react and respond to them. I’m not going to be changed at the stroke of midnight on the 31st, but I will be closer to my goals at that moment than I am now.
Taking Care of Yourself
Over the past nine months or so, I’ve really let my personal care slide. I’m normally really good about my oral hygiene, but there have been days when I didn’t brush at all. There have been many days when I haven’t showered. I haven’t been exercising regularly and I take almost no time to get dressed and ready for the day.
Twelve hours of children is exhausting. I have a false belief that I’m the only one who’s tired, when in reality, all parents of small children are tired. I’m awake for about 16 hours a day, but if 12 of those are dedicated to household tasks and care for the children, that doesn’t leave much time for me.
The funny thing is that I have a mythic status with my children. They don’t perceive me as having hopes, dreams, and needs. Instead, I’m the provider, there to help with every aspect of their lives. It’s a great position to hold, but I need to make sure that I don’t buy in to the myth.
There’s a great boost to self-esteem and energy that comes from self-care. Being well rested, exercised, cleaned, and dressed gives me a power boost throughout the day. I’m in a markedly better mood and I’m more resilient, giving me an edge when the sixth fight of the day breaks out.
When schedules are tight and demands are hight, the easiest thing to cut is the time that I need to take care of myself. Ironically, but cutting out much needed self-care, I undercut my ability to take care of my children. It takes discipline and permission to take time for myself each day, but it’s an investment that always returns dividends.
Big Finishes Don’t Require Big Starts
I used to think that the running story line in Forrest Gump was absurd. One day Forrest starts running. He runs to the end of his driveway, city limits, county line, state line, and eventually to the coast. Then he does it again. No plan, no idea, just a singular goal. December 18th, 2016 changed that for me.
December 18th was the first day of my current exercise streak. Every day since December 18th, I’ve exercised and closed my Apple Watch Activity Rings. It hasn’t been easy. There’s been heavy rain, freezing cold, tight schedules, and days where I felt crummy.
This is, by far, the longest health streak that I’ve kept. Not the first that I’ve attempted, but my most successful. I think it’s because I didn’t over think it. I didn’t develop a detailed plan rife with opportunities to fail. I just did the work. Did I close my rings today, yes or no? Now to translate that simple strategy into other areas of my life.
Manage Your Care
Having married a physician, most of my daily conversations revolve around the topic of medicine. It’s not a terrible set-up, as healthcare is a major component of our lives. There are plenty of interesting issues to discuss, questions to ponder, and scenarios to explore. A fascinating aspect of healthcare today is the pedestal that we as patients put our physicians on. Instead of being trusted counselors, they become the proverbial Catholic elementary school principal, waiting to rap us on the knuckles for being overweight, having a poor diet, and failing to manage our conditions appropriately. They speak in technical terms and prescribe interventions and treatment courses that we do not fully understand, and we fail to ask a single intelligent question. The fact remains that the patient has a great deal of control in the management of their care, if only they’d take advantage.
Nearly all recommendations made by physicians are completely voluntary, except where mandated by law. Hospitals are not prisons, and while leaving against medical advice may result in your insurance sticking you with the entire bill for your care, you still have the right to leave at any time, for any reason. Patients tend to not challenge anything their physicians say, and that can be dangerous, especially in a fragmented care system with incompatible record keeping systems, and a complex network of sub-specialists managing various conditions.
The first step in taking charge is to use the power of the question. Physicians are trained to communicate precisely with their colleagues, which is why medical terminology is so complex and detailed. They, like any other professional group, must be able to communicate succinctly with one another in order to answer medical questions. This is especially important in emergent situations. Consequently, physicians are seldom taught to communicate clearly with their patient. Translating medical terminology into the vernacular is as difficult as any other type of language translation. This is where patient questions factor into the equation. By asking clarifying questions until you are satisfied, you will not appear unintelligent, but rather you’ll gain their respect. Physicians love when their patients are actively involved because you become a partner to success, not a roadblock. Your physician is focused on your care and appropriately managing your case. Therefore, in order to fully understand the plan and to appropriately set expectations, you must ask questions.
The next step is to stop using the Internet for your medical questions. You and your insurance company compensate your providers handsomely for their wealth of knowledge, their clinical correlation of your conditions, and for the development of a highly individualized treatment plan. If you have a question, or would like other treatment plans, ask the professional whom you are paying. Medicine is an art, not a science, so odds are you receiving poor quality information from Dr. Google. That’s not to say that the information is totally wrong, it simply may be outdated and it doesn’t take into account your personalized history. Formulate your questions in advance of your appointment and don’t let the appointment end until you understand the plan and your role in it.
The final, and perhaps the most important step in managing your healthcare, is to speak up when something doesn’t sound right. Physicians can routinely see over 20 patients a day in some settings, so it’s possible that they might be confusing you with someone else. Pay close attention to the plan that’s been set in motion, and when something happens that deviates from that plan, say something. Accidents in healthcare can easily become deadly. Not even highly educated professionals or institutional safety programs can eliminate human error. The patient can help prevent devastating errors.
Healthcare is a partnership between you and the health professionals that you hire to help you have a better quality of life. Only work with the best professionals available, ask lots of questions, and never be afraid to ask for a second opinion.