Fatherhood
Dad the Driver
Family road trips are the stuff of legend. Earlier this year, Alison, Benedict, and I rented a van and made the 12 hour drive to Michigan. It was my first trip driving a minivan since I was in high school and boy was having all of that space nice! In my family, my dad would always drive on our road trips. Now that I’m the dad doing the driving, I know that providing a safe and comfortable trip for my family is a great experience.
The fun and adventure for us dads begins even before the wheels start rolling. We spend hours prepping the car and getting everything just right. Of course, there’s the packing and repacking to achieve maximum efficiency but there’s also the strategically stored amenities. These amenities may include bottled water in each cup holder, pillows and blankets within arms reach, and toys for the kids. The objective is for everything to be completely perfect for the family to get in the car, relax, and enjoy the journey. In addition to preparing the ride for our passengers, there’s also preparation for us, like checking fluids, storing an umbrella by our seat, and getting our navigation system ready to go.
One of the biggest differences in travel with kids is the number of stops that the family has to make. There are stops for gas, but mostly stops for restrooms. While at first these frequent breaks annoyed me, I soon learned to enjoy the rest. I enjoyed the experience of taking a road trip as opposed to the rush to get to our destination as quickly as possible. Those stops translated into better driving, me feeling more rested, and an overall better trip.
Taking care of your family while on the road is just another way of caring. We take responsibility for the safety and wellbeing of our family, and through our diligent preparation and safe driving, we do just that. While it’s true that road trips as a family take considerably longer when your kids are involved, the whole adventure itself is much more gratifying.
Be Great, No Matter What
Last Fall, I wrote about To Kill A Mockingbird and the great scene where Atticus explains to his daughter that he has to have integrity, that he has to be the same person in public as he is in private. I took that scene and applied it to our Catholic identity and how we need to be bold in the public square expressing our faith with the same level of comfort as we do in our homes. In fact, that part of the book had such a profound impact on me that this is the fourth time that I’ve discussed this great American literary work since March of 2013. Today, I want to turn this lesson back on us again, only this time to discuss the integrity that it takes to be a real man. You need to be the man you ought to be, even when your family isn’t around.
We stand in very big shoes. As the leader of your household, your kids and your wife are taking cues from you. The more open, loving, and affectionate you are, the more those things will be reciprocated. The more good that you do, the more good that they’ll do. For whatever reason, you will encounter people at work and in social settings who won’t approve of your work as a great husband and dad. Some of these people are hurt because they didn’t marry a great guy or because their father never loved them the way that you love your kids. We’re undertaking a great generational and societal mission. We’re changing the collective mind of society about what a great dad looks like and who a great husband is. Expect resistance.
Partly due to human nature and partly due to a generalized societal acceptance of extramarital affairs, there will be some people who will try to steal you away from your family. They might try to do it emotionally or, in some extreme cases, physically. Be alert in your relationships to make sure that you’re giving off the right signals. Know that the fact that you’re a great husband and a great dad is incredibly attractive. When you sense that things are getting grey, remove yourself from the equation and keep pushing forward.
It’s too much of a hassle to live one life at home and another out in the world. The best approach is to continue the good work that you’ve already started. Know that you’re doing the right things and never let anyone take that away from you. We’re the husbands and fathers that we’re made to be, let’s keep showing people how it’s done.
Am I Doing Enough?
It’s been a year since I started caring for Benedict full time. It’s almost hard to believe not just that a year has passed, but how quickly his development has progressed. He’s awake more, walking around, and talking to me. I share one of the looming questions that I’m confident every dad asks himself on a daily basis, “Am I doing enough?” Am I doing enough to support and promote his development? Am I doing enough to help him have confidence and trust in himself? Am I doing enough to make sure that he knows that he’s safe with me? Am I doing enough to help him know that he’s loved? Your kids need love, attention, affection and time from you. If you’re giving them those things, then you’re doing enough.
There’s a real temptation to lean too much on the use electronic aids in parenting. I’ll readily admit that Sesame Street, Arthur, and any other number of children’s programming can do more in 30 minutes than I can on my own. These programs are backed by very educated people and present concepts across a broad range of topics. Yet, while these types of shows should aid in your parenting, they shouldn’t be the primary education source for your kids. Play with your kids and read to them.
As the “Am I doing enough?” question lingers, it can drive us to other types of potentially unhelpful parenting practices, like being a helicopter parent. While your children do need interaction and to play with you, they also need the space to entertain themselves if that’s what they choose. Your kids have to learn everything, so helping them learn to constructively entertain themselves or to sit quietly and look at a book is an important skill.
The key in all of this is to both remain available and able respond to their needs. You don’t need to hover over them all at times, but by all means prevent them from hurting themselves. You don’t need to be in their face leading playtime all of the time, but don’t devote so much attention to whatever else you’re doing that you can’t break your attention the moment your child needs you. Be flexible, be dynamic, and be agile.
Parenting fills the mind with plenty of worry and doubt. At the end of the day, if you’ve done your best and given your child all that you have, then yes, you’re doing enough.
You’re Irreplaceable
One June evening in 1996, I was almost left without a father. My dad was deployed in Saudi Arabia when the barracks next to his was bombed by terrorists. As I think back on that night, though I was quite young, I’m grateful that my dad was not among the 19 killed in action that night. While our culture doesn’t put a premium on the impact that a great dad can have on a kid’s life, the fact remains that no one can take your place. You’re uniquely and perfectly suited for your wife. Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life, more important than that of yours with your children and more important than your relationship with your parents. Certainly these relationships are in a very close second place, but nothing will ever be as important as your marital relationship. It’s the spring from which blessings flow, and no one can take that place of honor.
You loved your children first. You’re their father and they need your unique gifts. More than that, they need your guidance, your firm discipline, and your tender love. Their mother is able to offer them love and gifts in her unique way, but they also need to receive it from you. In that way, you and your wife complement each other, providing for your kids in a holistic approach. Since you’re irreplaceable, you need to act like it. Be involved in their lives. Be present in all ways: physically, emotionally, spiritually. If no one can take your place, then it’s up to you to do your best to meet those needs. Rise to the occasion, and be an awesome husband and father.
The role of husband and the role of father aren’t for the faint of heart. Stand up and do something.
Be Aware of Your Example
One of the books that I’ve read this year was Eat Mor Chikin: Inspire More People by Truett Cathy. The book was Truett’s way of sharing his thoughts on business, how he built Chick-fil-a into a national brand, and how he treats people. In the book, Truett tells a story about a man who sat down next to him on a plane and inquired about how to keep his teenage kids on the straight and narrow. While he was listening to Truett, he ordered a beer. Truett asked if he drank beer in front of his kids and intimated the importance of the example set by this gentleman for his children.
One of the most common axioms in parenting today is, “More is caught than taught.” Essentially, modern parenting stresses the fact that children are always watching, learning more about how to behave based on the behaviors of their parents than the actual words or lessons being shared with them. While it can be a daunting thought to consider that your children are learning mainly from your own example, it can also be the catalyst to make behavior changes that you’ve always wanted to make.
Many of us have added a few words to our vocabulary that we wish we hadn’t. Along with these unsavory words have been developed some acceptable alternatives that amount to speaking nonsense, such as “heck” and “shoot." Yet, from time to time, a word that we wish we hadn’t spoken comes first out of our mouths and then out of our children’s. This attitude that you’re constantly being observed might be the right motivation to get you to a point where you finally eliminate words that you don’t want from your vocabulary. The same goes for your TV, movie, and book choices. There’s nothing wrong with a toddler watching a show not aimed at them, but you just might find yourself horrified at the thought of your child seeing the level of violence or sexuality on constant display in some of those programs.
As we start to make these changes, some of which are changes to behavior that have been ingrained in us for years, it’s important for us to be reminded of the role that grace plays in our lives. We have to be patient with ourselves when we make mistakes. We also have to share that grace with our kids. Children need firm discipline, but not a tyrant. They need to have boundaries enforced, but also need to be smothered in love. When you make a mistake, give yourself a bit of grace, and if your child witnesses your mistake, explain to them why that was wrong. If your child makes a mistake, especially one learned from your behaviors, help them understand why that particular behavior isn’t acceptable.
Parenting is a daily struggle on two fronts. We battle our own bad habits and we battle to rightly form an entirely new person. Be aware of the example you give and let grace cover your mistakes and those of your children.
Praying for Kids Vocations
A few weeks ago, Alison called me on her way home from the hospital. She was listening to Catholic radio and the host had suggested that parents pray a monthly novena for their children’s vocations. I instantly thought of the struggles in discerning my own vocation and the benefit that 18 years of constant prayer could gain. We shepherd our children’s lives, why not pray for their vocations?
Discernment is a long and often confusing process. I remember exactly where I was when I realized that my discernment was over. Alison and I were riding in the car shortly before our wedding day and I remember putting my hand on her hand and saying, “We’ve discerned our vocation. I’m so glad that’s over.” Our calling was to the married life and we had found our partner. Since the discernment process isn’t an exact science, there are lots of turns, and ups and downs. Thankfully there are plenty of road signs along the way, but even then, those signs can be hard to read.
Prayer absolutely works. God often doesn’t respond in the way that we want or with the same level of immediacy that we seek. However, He does respond in a time and at a place that’s most beneficial to us. We should pray for our children for help in their discernment process and for their increased attunement with God. This attunement will put them in sync with God and help them to better understand His mind.
As your children grow, this monthly novena idea will provide you with a great chance to talk about vocations with your kids. We need to make sure that we’re giving them information that is both accurate and appropriate. We need to present all vocations as particular calls to holiness and that each can equally lead to sainthood, as well as to despair if one has a selfish heart. We need great priests, we need great religious, and we need great married couples. As this evolving discussion takes place, your children, supported by prayer, will be able to more fully understand the universal call to holiness and how vocation plays a central role in that call.
Praying for your children’s vocations is a wonderful habit that I’d recommend to your family. Alison and I are going to start this family tradition in May on Benedict’s behalf and intend on continuing until all of our children have fully answered their vocation in life.
Giving All of You
Earlier this year, Mark Hart from Life Teen was on Lino Rulli’s The Catholic Guy Show right after Super Bowl Sunday. Mark, an avid sports fan, was discussing how viewing the Super Bowl has changed in the years since he became a father. Predictably, he spent little time actually watching the game this year. Instead, he was helping his wife and interacting with his kids. Mark’s story perfectly illustrates how marriage requires both a full commitment and a willingness to make your wife and family the priority in your life.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of having an “undivided heart” in the married life. In that post, I discussed the internal predispositions that were important for a successful marriage; namely by pouring yourself totally into your marriage without distractions. Today, I want to focus on the exterior application.
None of us are ever fully prepared for marriage. There’s no marriage prep course or “trial marriage” that can accurately and completely portray the dynamics of the married life. In that sense, we’re all exploring and discovering what it takes to have a high quality, low conflict marriage. While we can’t get the full picture of marriage in our marriage prep courses, we can get pieces of the picture. I hope that you had a strong example of marriage in your life while you were growing up. I hope that your parents, grandparents, or an aunt and uncle gave you a good example of what a healthy marriage looks like. Even if you didn’t have a good model, you still understand what sacrifice is. You understand the concept of forsaking what you want for the good of another. You also know how to maintain a relationship, to a degree. It may just be a friendship or a dating relationship, but you know how to manage the various aspects of a relationship so that it’s both low conflict and enduring.
Marriage, unlike any other relationship, is always all-in. It’s not a rubber stamp and it’s not rolling over for the other. Instead, it’s both spouses bringing their best, putting it together, and benefiting and growing together. If either spouse holds back even the smallest amount of good, both suffer. A healthy marriage simply requires all of both spouses: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. That means stopping whatever you’re doing when your wife needs you. It means making time to pray together, as a family, as difficult as that can be. That means having quality communication time over dinner or at some other point during the day. That means going on walks together, or hikes, or any other type of physical exercise that helps you both live a healthier lifestyle. That means turning off all distractions and devoting your full attention to your wife when she needs help with a problem or needs some other emotional need met. Although this is a sacrifice, it also presents a huge tangible benefit to you. You can’t walk away from quality time with your wife and be unchanged. You can’t walk away from quality time with your wife and not have a healthier, more vibrant, more robust relationship.
Marriage requires proper prioritization. Your spouse must be at the top of the list at all times. There’s never anything more important than what your wife needs. There’s never anything that you’d rather be doing than spending time with your wife. Although you might be fighting, there should be an even stronger desire for reconciliation. Like Mark’s story, even though you want to be watching the game, you’re more concerned with being present to your family.
In order to have a strong, healthy marriage you not only need to bring an undivided heart to the table, you need to back it up with action. Your wife is your top priority, and everything else can wait.
Read to Your Children
A routine is perhaps the greatest tool in the toolbox of parenting. Kids do wonderfully with routines. Not only do they provide consistency, but they give cues to kids about how they should behave. Routines also help parents manage the dozens of tasks that come with caring for and raising children. A routine helps a parent make major decisions once and simply manage them daily.
Children need lots of things: food, clean diapers, baths, play time, naps, and regular sleep. They also need help exploring the world and expanding their minds. As new travelers on the journey of life, they don’t know what they haven’t experienced. We know the importance of exposing kids to as many things as possible in their first few years of life because we understand how it impacts future learning. One of the best, and most important things we can do for our kids is read to them, and then promote the habit of reading independently when age appropriate.
I’ve written before about falling back in love with reading. Each day I read the newspaper and a book. I’m a slow reader, so my total reading time is longer than the average person, but I’ve noticed how my vocabulary has grown and my creative capacity has expanded through the discipline of reading.
Reading to your kids each day, however, is one more thing on your list. Amongst the dozens of other daily activities, now you have to add story time. It takes time, it takes planning, and it takes effort.
Reading is more than just one more thing, it’s one great thing. Children develop their vocabulary at a young age and the best way to help them build a strong one is through reading.
Spending time with your kids does leave less time for you to do the things that are on your to-do list or the things that you want to do, but it’s important to remind yourself that your kids are growing daily. That means that your little baby won’t be little forever, so today’s a great day to spend time with them. Reading together is both a great gift and a great opportunity to spend time together. You give your child the gift of your time and you gain the wonderful experience of them sitting on your lap being cute. Make reading time something that you both look forward to by finding a time that makes sense. For example, a great time might be right before they take a nap or go to bed for the evening.
As your children grow, it becomes more important for you to model good reading habits. Read books yourself and designate a family reading time. Continue to read with your kids even when they can read themselves by having them read to you. Reading is both a lifelong skill and a hobby that’s the gateway to new worlds.
Treasure your kids and cherish your time together. Build healthy routines that promote good habits, continuity, and consistency. Give your kids every advantage in life by reading to them early and instilling in them a lifelong habit of reading.
Play with Your Kids
As I look back on the pictures of Benedict from his first year of life, I’m suddenly very aware of the fact that not too long ago, he couldn’t roll over on his own. When we first moved into our townhouse last summer, he could barely crawl. Now, just a few months later, he’s standing on his own and taking a few brave steps.
As his development continues, his latest preferred activity is building towers with blocks and knocking them down. He can stack three blocks if we let him work on his own, and five blocks if we prevent him from immediately knocking them over. Getting down on the floor and building towers with Benedict is a lot of fun. He gets so happy when he knocks a tower over and starts clapping.
Each day with your children is a great gift. Make time for playtime.
Playing with your children is you giving them your time. Your time is the most precious resource and legacy that you can give your children. This time together is a chance for them to direct what you both will do. Benedict will choose simple activities based on his age, so although putting blocks on top of each other might not exactly be a thrill or an intellectual exercise for me, it’s what he wants to do. So we do it. It’s also ok to be a little silly. When Benedict was very little, I had a hard time adjusting to making silly noises at him. As the youngest child in my family, I was never really around little kids, so I was embarrassed to say silly things in public and speak at different pitches. Yet, that’s what we do as parents. We meet our kids at their level and we celebrate them.
Talk to your kids while you play. Playtime is the perfect setting for finding out what’s really going on in their lives. Their guard is down, it’s a relaxed setting, and they feel more comfortable opening up with their true feelings and emotions. This is the time to listen and engage. Make them feel safe with you. A small investment of time now can pay dividends later. Playtime is also a great time for teaching. Share lessons, values, and inspirations with them. Encourage them to dream big and dream boldly.
When playing with your kids, remind them that they’re loved. There are way too many kids out there who don’t hear “I love you” from their parents. They’re abused, neglected, and not valued. There might even be a few peers in your child’s life who are telling them that they’re not loved or that they’re not special. Reinforce your love with physical touch. Never be too embarrassed to give your kids a hug and a kiss.
Give yourself permission on a daily basis to waste time playing with your kids. It’s one investment with guaranteed returns. After all, tomorrow they’ll be a day older and you can’t get that day back.
The World Needs Fathers
We’re living in a very confusing time. For whatever reason, we’ve stopped seeing people as uniquely beautiful, each with something to offer. Domestic violence is alarmingly high, pornography and human trafficking is arguably more prevalent than ever, rates of absentee fathers are through the roof, and marriage is no longer permanent, but stable for as long as each spouse is sufficiently benefited.
I read a terrible story last summer. A 12 year-old boy invited a neighbor boy to the local park and stabbed him to death. The boy committed the heinous crime thinking that he himself was a “bad kid” and deserved to be punished. He’s being tried as an adult, the youngest murder suspect in the county’s history, and has little hope of ever being able to reintegrate into society. What is the real reason that causes as 12 year old to commit murder? The answer lies in the felony child abuse charges filed against his parents. All cases are still pending.
As we’ve adopted rugged individualism as our credo, we’ve forced to the margins not only centuries of traditions that are found in every culture around the world, but also the best social science. The unfortunate discussion about the possibility of an abortion is placed squarely on the shoulders of a desperate mother, the opinion of the father is both legally and socially irrelevant. Even worse, far too often the father is nowhere to be found. Individualism tells us that we can do everything on our own, but the fact remains that as social beings, we do much better in community.
Social science tells us that fatherlessness is a catastrophe. Single parent homes are the greatest indicator of poverty. Men who are married before having children have extremely low instances of poverty. According to every large scale study, children who grow up with both of their biological parents are generally happier and better adjusted than their peers who did not have their father in their life.
So while we’ve been on the march to marginalize fathers and reduce them to nothing more than an aid to begin the cycle of human reproduction, we’ve made two grave errors. First, we’ve softened societal pressures for fathers to stay with mothers. Second, we dismissed the intrinsic value that fathers have to offer to their wives and to their children.
At the root of the problem of growing fatherlessness is our separation of sex from marriage and kids. Sex’s objective is two-fold: it creates an organic bodily union that unites the minds and bodies of a married couple and second, it provides the means to complete the reproductive cycle that neither male nor female can accomplish on their own. As we’ve removed sex from marriage, and consequently, kids from sex, we’ve created a hook-up culture. Teens and young adults are engaging in pre-marital sex at high rates and the prevalence of contraceptives has only fed the machine. Sex is all about what one can gain personally and not have to “worry” about potentially conceiving a child. Of course, this is a lie and we see that reflected both in teen pregnancy and abortion rates.
The hook-up culture has done more than promote sex. It has promoted an idea that sex is about self-gratification and power. One partner is supposed to dominate the other, disregarding their personhood and dignity in the pursuit of satisfaction and pleasure. As a result, we see increased rates of sexual assaults. In the criminal justice system, sexual crimes are the 2nd most heinous crime that can be committed, the most heinous being murder. Yet, the culture has created an atmosphere that intimidates victims into silence, allowing some of the most violent people among us to walk free, able to strike again.
As our conjugal view of marriage erodes and is replaced by the revisionist view, there’s less societal pressure to keep a man around when a child is conceived. We celebrate the sexual man and his many conquests, and we tolerate it when he refuses to provide material support to the child he helped create. This is why marriage is so important. It’s a societal construct that grants permanence and stability to a family, ensuring that all members are cared for materially and emotionally. Sex creates kids, so if a couple isn’t prepared for the lifelong responsibility and commitment that comes with raising a child, they should abstain.
When it comes to raising a child, fathers do make a difference. Both mothers and fathers have unique traits, talents, and abilities. They complement each other nicely allowing for a holistic approach to child rearing. While some single parent homes are tragically unavoidable, in homes where the mother and father live together, the father absolutely plays an important role. Fathers bring stability and security to the family. With the commitment to be around and help with the raising of the children, a mother’s stress level can be significantly reduced. Fathers, by their presence and by their active involvement, can contribute to a happier life for the mother.
Even more importantly, fathers model fatherhood to children. Children must learn everything, and what they learn is passed on to future generations. So if a young boy has a disengaged father, he’s likely to be a disengaged father. If a young boy has an alcoholic father, he’s likely to be an alcoholic. It’s possible for one bad father to have an effect felt generations down the line.
As fathers, we have something to offer. We have a right, and a duty, to be actively involved in supporting and rearing our children. We have gifts and talents that our wives don’t have and that our children deserve to benefit from. Dads make a difference, so be a great one!