Fatherhood
Fathers for Good
God’s plan of salvation for the World contains essential truths and profound beauty. He chose man to be held in esteem above all other beings in the created world, including His angels. He desires an intimate relationship with each one of us, and freely chooses to share His power with us.
God decided to share creative powers with man. He created Adam and Eve, but every human since came into the world only through the consent of humanity. Even when it was time to bring Jesus into the world, it required Mary’s fiat to bring salvation history to completion.
Throughout the Old Testament, God worked through families. Through the family of Abraham, God reveled Himself to the world, and opened the door to reconciliation from the Fall. Through the family of David, His installed Jesus on the throne of the universe, reconciling the world to Himself. Through the family of the Church is the treasury of graces, opening the gates of Heaven to all mankind.
God not only shares His creative powers with man, but also His title. God the Father is the first person of the Holy Trinity, and He shares that title with those men whom He has entrusted with the care of souls.
Fatherhood is not an easy path, especially with the traits that men share. We are not as nurturing or innately understanding of the workings of a child, but our presence is irreplaceable. The love of a father propels a child into the world with self-confidence and courage.
In one or two generations, our names and stories will be forgotten. We will become the subject of the family’s genealogist, mapping out a family history, a name on a paper with a few dates. A father’s contribution is not for honor or praise, but of humble service to his family. He quietly toils, with mistakes made daily, working towards the harvest of a well-rounded human. Though we forget his name, the transformational gift of love, passed from generation to generation, is his legacy.
God has shared with us His power and His title, may we strive to be worthy of the gift.
Friday Night Adoration
This week, Benedict will complete his initiation into the Catholic faith when he receives the Sacrament of Confirmation. With just a few days to go, I took him to Adoration on Friday night.
Our parish has Mass, Holy Hour, and Confession every Friday night. It’s an opportunity that I wish I would take greater advantage of. Being in the presence of Peace itself is so relaxing, especially as the capstone of my week.
Benedict is still a little boy, flexing his autonomy, but not yet at that period of growth when he will seek more distance from his parents. He was excited to spend Daddy and Me time, without the presence of any girls, on a Friday night.
We went to Confession together, and sat closely next to one another in our pew in adoration. We even prayed the prayers at the Benediction together.
It was a treasured moment, and one that I hope that he’ll carry with him, even when he wants to spend less time with me.
A Time for Play
Work expands to the time that you give it. Work is a good thing, giving structure and purpose to our days. It allows us to share our skills with others, and to provide economically for our family.
After many years out of the workforce, I’ve suddenly found myself back in it. Eight years away, and I’m surprised at how little has changed. Many times throughout the week, I experience something and remember just what it feels like to work.
I have a weekly hours cap, and I work right up to it. My original plan was to spread those hours out of over the course of six days, but in practice, I’ve noticed the benefit of finishing for the week on Friday night. There’s a sense of completion as I log off for the weekend, and see my schedule opening up.
With my work done, I’m free to say yes all weekend long. Play, reading, and rest all come easily, without the tension of needing to work. I can spend time with my family without having to think about my to-do list, it’ll keep until Monday morning.
We need a time for play in our schedule, and it needs to be more than just on the weekends. When our children come and ask for our time, we should give it to them, even in small doses. But working to finish by Friday and have an open weekend is a worthy goal, too.
Dads on Duty
There’s a great human interest story making its rounds about a high school in Louisiana. They’ve suffered numerous fights this academic year, leading to dozens of students arrested or expelled. Not wanting to let this sort of behavior continue, over 40 dads in the community signed up to patrol the school hallways.
School Resource Officers, sworn police officers detailed to schools, are common in most school districts in America. They provide a level of immediate protection to students and harden campuses. The downside to having police officers in the schools is a concerning trend of administrators referring students for criminal prosecution over matters that would otherwise be handled as a disciplinary matter by the school district.
It’s easy to see a problem and assume that someone else will handle it, someone with authority. These dads chose another path. They volunteered to take shifts at the high school. Dressed in visible red shirts, they talk and joke with the kids and quietly assert their own manly authority.
The students have responded.
Fights have stopped, students are showing up to class, and many kids are even reporting a calmer learning environment. These dads don’t carry credentials or weapons, they aren’t paid by the school district, are they are is present. A fatherly presence is a part of childhood that far too many children miss out on. It’s a presence that can mean all the difference in a child’s life.
Active, engaged, and loving fathers have the power to change the world. If only we’d let men step up to the plate and crank it out of the park.
Do Nothing
My day has a way of getting away from me. For the first 90 minutes that I’m up, I’m in complete control. I walk, read the paper, pray, drink coffee. It’s quiet, still, and orderly. As soon as the first pair of small feet come down the stairs, everything goes out the window.
I’m more flexible in our schedule than I used to be. I don’t have rigid timetables, just daily task lists. We finish breakfast around 8:30am and start our schoolwork. Of course, if they’re playing nicely, creatively, and quietly, I let things slide.
One of the more challenging parts of having four children is spending one-on-one time with each of them. The day is mostly playing, work, or activity in groups of two, three, or four. Each of my kids has a distinct personality when they’re in a group setting. It’s when I get them alone that things get interesting. They don’t have to compete for my attention, they have it.
When I take Benedict to our monthly father/son activity, he says the most insightful things in the car ride. It reminds me of just how grown up he really is. Felicity is very bubbly, but she’s especially sweet and cheerful when we’re alone together. Lucy can be crabby, but she loves snuggling close to me. Veronica, of course, is happy all the time. But there’s a particular delight when she has you alone.
The busyness of the waking hours keeps us all moving. While I have a lot to do, maybe I need to add “Do Nothing” to my list. Permission to stop, pull one of my kids aside, and do nothing with them for a few minutes.
I know that these days are racing by, and as my children grow and mature, our relationship won’t always be this easy. The window of opportunity is open, I need to jump through it and do nothing.
Humble Fatherhood
This November is the two-year anniversary of the release of my book Humble Service, a book about the lessons learned on my journey as an at-home dad. The topic of that book, like this blog, is a part of my identity as a student of life.
St. Francis preached the virtue of constant renewal, a lifelong process of making yourself into a reflection of Christ. I want things to be done with immediate effect, but there’s too much work to be done. Knowing that I can work each day on bettering myself is more manageable.
I want to do more of my jobs with a servant’s heart. Yes, I always feed my children first and tend to their daily hygiene. But what about my disposition? Do I do it begrudgingly? Some days. I want to do it with love more frequently.
I want to have more humility and show more grace. I want to keep in mind that my children are still small people, learning their way in the world. I want to set high expectations for them, and help them when they don’t rise to the moment. I want to show them that the proper response to adversity isn’t stress and frustration, but patient acceptance.
What could be the fruits of these changes? Domestic tranquility, sure. But what about higher life satisfaction? Reaching the end of the day and not reflecting that I stayed home and took care of the kids, but instead that I nurtured young souls with love. I may even experience less internal complaining.
Fatherhood is not about being the boss, but about accepting responsibility with love. It’s hard to do perfectly, but I can probably do a better job of it tomorrow.
A Quiet House
On Saturday morning, I woke up at 5:00am and went for a walk. I came home, sat down, and read the news. This is a pretty normal morning for me. Just after 7:00am, three of my children came downstairs very excited. The day that they were waiting for had finally arrived!
Just after breakfast, I loaded them up in the car and drove them to the airport. There, they met my parents, and flew back to their house for a week’s vacation.
It was a quiet drive home, and a return to a quiet house. Alison and I suddenly found ourselves parents with only one child needing our care. I found myself thrown back to my first days as an at-home dad.
On a normal day, I crave the calm and quiet of the after-bedtime hours. Now that I have a quiet house, I crave the joy that my children bring to our home.
The kids will be back at the end of the week. While they’re away, I have a full schedule of cleaning, house projects, and catching up on projects that I normally don’t have time to accomplish. It’ll be a different pace for me, a different schedule, and a chance to have more room to breathe.
Missing my children deeply reminds me of the essential truth of children. Society may shun them as an added responsibility, but that toxic worldview misses the point. Children are a beautiful gift and a source of great joy.
A Father’s Love
What is the measure of a good father? Is it the serenity in his house, the manicured lawn, or perhaps just food on the table every evening? All men contemplate their self-worth. This is an intellectual process that naturally occurs in life. The easiest answer is in the economic value that they produce for their family. While helpful, a utilitarian approach denies the most important contribution a father makes. The true value of a father is his love.
Men show love in many ways that fall outside the common notion of affection. A birthday gift of a pocketknife for his wife may be, in his mind, the best gift he can give. He sees the knife as an omnipresent tool, ready to jump in and help from the most menial tasks to those where life and property are under threat. To his wife receiving this gift, he may be the tool.
What men may fail to express in words, they express in action. In the early minutes of the day or as the evening’s twilight fades, he lifts his family up in prayer. Little girls often find themselves on their dad’s lap, quietly watching a movie or reading a book. Sons may receive exclusive invitations to outdoor adventures or even just trips into towns. Wives drive clean cars and enjoy a carefully tended to lawn.
The true measure of a man, and his success as a father, begins simply. It’s his presence. In words and deeds, on good days and bad, he’s there, ready to give his family whatever they need.
Invest Today
My knowledge as a parent goes only as far as my oldest child. I know how to deal with young kids, but am clueless about pre-teens, teens, and beyond. I understand that the journey of a parent is about growing and nurturing a child to become a healthy, functional adult. There are plenty of pitfalls along the path to autonomy and independence. I can only control so many variables because, in the end, my goal is not control. Like God, I do not want robot children. I want children who can stand on their own two feet, live up to their potential, contribute meaningfully to society, and live a fruitful life.
If I can’t control what influences my children will come under in the decades to come, I need to invest in them today. My job as a parent is to prepare them to live a moral life. That is not the easy path, especially today when even the most elemental facts of the human person are in dispute. I can’t shield and protect them always, but I can plant the seeds that will take root before the poison enters the soil.
We live in a busy world full of distractions, most notably the electronic rectangles that hang on our walls, sit on our desks, rest on our kitchen counters, and go with us everywhere in our pockets. If I want to raise those healthy, functional adults, I need to take the time to invest in my children and our relationship today.
These Days
Over the weekend, I finished reading a book. The last time I accomplished that feat was in August. I’ve started a walking streak, another habit that I’ve let slide in the past 90 days. My sleep schedule is out of whack, and I’ve lived day-to-day. I could just blame it on everything that was 2020, but in my experience, this is something cyclical. I fall into and out of routine.
The reason I still aspire to build and maintain a strong routine is because of what it offers. It’s a framework that provides time in my day to do everything that I want. I have time to exercise, time to study, time to work, and time to play. It requires that I diligently adhere to a schedule before my kids wake up and after they go to bed, which is a major stumbling block.
My four beautiful children are still small and innocent. They sit at the kitchen bar to watch me make breakfast, they crawl on my lap while I work on my computer. They constantly ping me throughout the day to share every single thing that they see, hear, and do. The cacophony of three little voices, plus the happy noises of an infant, fill my days.
My temptation is to just make it through the day from breakfast until their heads hit their pillows. If I can do that, then I can eke out a few minutes to work on my priorities and projects. That’s the wrong approach. In these days, weeks, and years when their sweet innocence draws them close to me, I need to reach out and embrace them.
This is the time that we build the relationship that we’ll share for my lifetime. These are the days when they store the memories of “my dad” growing up. This is my chance to make a real impact on their formation, to set them up on a course to go through life confident in their identity as human persons.
There’s real work to be done. These are not the days to take for granted.