Fatherhood
- “Morning Sickness” is an innocuous term for three months of pure hell. Your wife is going to be sick, and I mean totally sick. Not just in the morning. At all hours. Everything about you will cause her to vomit. Your breath, your body odor, the same breakfast you’ve been eating for the past three years. There is nothing you can do to stop it.
- Deciding to get in shape while your wife is pregnant is a horrible idea. Research says that if you want to stick to the gym, you need a buddy. We need accountability and support to keep moving forward. While becoming a father will probably encourage you to do all you can to take care of yourself, don’t expect your wife to be too happy. Find someone else whom you can share your victories with. She’s not impressed that you weighed in at a new minimum weight. She’ll just glare at you while she finishes her second bowl of ice cream.
- Loneliness and the First Trimester are BFFs. Sadly, as your wife is feeling unwell, there will be a decrease in the amount of time you’ll be cuddling. After all, if she can’t stand the smell of your breath, you won’t be getting very close. There will be some loneliness in there. It’s not that she doesn’t love you or that you don’t love her. It is just that there is some distance out of necessity. (And BTW, she feels lonely too.)
- If you like cuddling at bedtime, forget about it. As your child grows, your wife will need to get a body pillow to support herself. That pillow becomes the Berlin Wall in your bed. You will never be able to get close because that dang pillow is in the way. MOVE OVER PILLOW!!!
- Say goodbye to your favorite foods. Pregnancy causes changes in your wife’s digestive system. Do you love burritos? Not anymore you don’t. They’ll still be there… in nine months.
- Check to see how her day went first. If hers was horrible, yours better be just as bad. If your day was amazing, and hers wasn’t, don’t plan on sharing that little detail. She isn’t interested in hearing about your five mile run at dawn or the great time you had at a Chamber of Commerce open bar networking event. She’ll be grumpy and glare at you. Better tell a friend.
- Get ready to work! Your wife is going to lose control over her abdominal muscles. On top of that, she’s sick and can’t bend over. Strap yourself in because you just became the housekeeper. She can’t tie her shoes, pickup a sock she dropped, or get up off the floor without your help. You’re going to be carrying the household.
Leaving A Legacy
One of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had was seeing pictures of my parents when they were first married.
As a child, you know your parent in one dimension. They are the mature, wise, fully grown adult. You never get to meet or interact with your youthful parents in any memorable way.
When it comes to the topic of legacy, you should consider what you leave your children beyond money.
Certainly there will be stories and family folklore. You should also consider leaving them a written history.
My wife and I have been working on writing down our family history. We are each writing about our own childhoods and working together to share the real life journey story that begins when we met.
As life happens, we plan to add chapters and sections that will highlight important family or personal events.
By the time my life comes to a close, I hope that this work is a great adventure for my children, grandchildren and beyond. I’m trying to be honest so that they can really understand who I am. I am partly inspired by the brutally honest Steve Jobs biography (title?).
Not that my life is ugly, but I want them to know and understand my thinking through difficult decisions.
Consider leaving a written record to your own children. They may not appreciate it today. One day, however, it will be a cherished experience for them to get to know you as person, not just you as parent.
Children Are A Reward
Each year, the Church celebrates Natural Family Planning (NFP) Awareness Week. We should all take time to learn more about this ethical method of responsible Family Planning. I’d like to share some thoughts with you.
Sadly, our culture has come to view children as a burden. Individuals, both young and old, male and female, married and unmarried, take unethical, unnatural, and excessive steps to prevent the conception of a child. The abortion industry, and those in healthcare who advocate for abortions, have convinced the world that pregnancy is a disease, not a gift.
Being a father, and having lived with a pregnant wife, I know that pregnancy can seem like a curse with all of its unfortunate side effects. But that illusion is selfish.
Children are a fruit of a marriage, they are a blessing! Psalm 127:3 states this clearly when the Psalmist writes, “Children are a gift from God, the fruit of the womb, a reward.”
We’ve gotten away from God’s plan for families and moved towards man’s plan for his own fulfillment.
If you’re new to NFP, no sweat. Here is NFP in a nutshell. Your wife is only capable of achieving pregnancy on a few days during her cycle. These fertile days can be scientifically approximated by observing certain fertility signs, such as her Basal Body Temperature. By observing and charting these signs, you can either know when to have sex to achieve pregnancy or when to abstain to avoid pregnancy for serious, valid, moral reasons.
Now, how is NFP different from commonly prescribed contraceptives? Easy. NFP is you and your wife, together, working in parallel with the natural fertility cycle of her body. Think of it as sanding with the grain. Nice and smooth. Contraceptives act perpendicular to your wife’s natural fertility cycle. They seek to disrupt her cycle and trick her body into releasing hormones that prevent her from achieving pregnancy. This is like sanding against the grain. You must actively work against her body to achieve the end.
NFP respects your wife and is 100% organic. No drugs, no shots, no pills to take, no medical procedures to endure, no man-made substances. It’s as clean as a fresh spring air. Contraceptives are 100% artificial. They’re hormones (which you probably try to avoid in what you’re eating), they’re chemicals, and they have deadly side effects.
My wife and I use Natural Family Planning and it has been incredibly effective. It is actually pretty fun to know exactly where she is. It can save you from asking, in an argument, “Are you mad because you’re on your period?” They say knowledge is power…
My favorite part about NFP is having a better understanding of how her body works. I’m no longer grossed out by her reproductive processes and I actually have a greater appreciation for the grand design of the human body.
Don’t take my word for it. Do your homework, dig into the facts (like the incredibly low divorce rate among NFP couples), and work with your wife, not against her.
Results May Vary
Don’t wait to get married to have sex, do it now! If you get pregnant, it’s not a baby until it is born. In fact, you’ve made a mistake! Great going.
Like me, you have probably received a lot of messaging about marriage before you were married. Despite all of these messages, I’ve noticed something strange.
Results may vary.
Sex
Message: Waiting for marriage is for losers. You should have sex before you graduate from High School. It is awesome. It is the best.
My results: I cannot imagine having sex with anyone but my spouse. Much like cohabitation, you cannot possibly recreate all of the circumstances without the marital bond. It is so life-giving. It is so fulfilling. The physical act is the vehicle for the emotional, mental, and spiritually transcendence. It is like the gateway to those deep connections.
In fact, I would make the argument that when you have sex before you are married, you rob yourself. You steal the chance to know what it really means to have the fullness of this experience. That is not to say if you made a mistake you are not redeemable. What it is to say is that there is a fullness of this reality that is available to those who make the tough choices to wait.
Pregnancy
Myth: If you get pregnant, you’ve done something wrong.
My results: At this writing (March), my child is just four weeks old. Do you know what a four week old baby looks like? A clump of cells. My child is no bigger than a poppy seed. Despite their small size, I love this child so much. This child is mine. My wife and I have already started rearranging our apartment to prepare for our little pea.
I love this kid. I can’t wait to share my life with them. I recognize that this life is sacred. I recognize that even though they are so small, they are truly a human and they have a soul. It is beyond me that I am allowed, with my wife, to be a co-creator. It is beyond me that I am allowed to participate so actively in God’s plan of creation. It is beyond me that I have given life.
You can see from just these two specific instances, we’ve been lied to. I am grateful that I did not buy into the lie. I am grateful that I chose discipline in my life. I am grateful that I have found the one I was designed to be with from the beginning of time, my wife. I am grateful that our first child, also designed from the beginning of time, will soon enter into my house.
When the torrents beat against you, remember the most popular disclaimer of all: Results may vary.
Dad Smart
One of the most interesting experiences for me in being a new dad is how I am starting to recall particular memories.
When you and your wife are expecting your first child, there is a certain type of mental activity that, I must assume, all parents go through.
You begin to see the world around you differently. You notice other people’s children and how they behave. When they do things that you think are right, you try to figure out how you will mold your own child to do that thing. When they are a nightmare, you go through the same exercise.
I am finding that I am re-processing little childhood memories of my dad and how he incorporated faith into our daily lives.
For example, at family prayers, we’d go through questions in a Catechism. To this day, I call still tell you the four cardinal virtues by using the phrase, “Toilet Paper Just Fell.” Translation: temperance, prudence, justice, fortitude.
Each evening, before we went to bed, we’d each bless each other by drawing a cross on each other’s foreheads.
He used to put up weekly bible versus on the refrigerator. Sadly, many military deployments disrupted that tradition. But, I still remember the first one. “Children are a gift from God, they are His reward.” I was four.
It is important to realize that your actions as a man make an impression on those around you, not just your children.
How you model the role of husband (and father) is seen and observed by both little eyes and grown eyes. As the saying goes, “More is caught than taught.”
So many blog posts have asked you to look at the example you set and start to live the one you’d like seen. I do this again today. This time, pay extra attention to how you are showing your faith to your wife, family, friends, colleagues, and strangers.
7 Things I Wish I Had Known About Pregnancy
Becoming a parent for the first time is an amazing experience. I should warn you, though. You have been lied to.
Now don’t blame me, I didn’t do it. Like so many things in life, you are given the good while they conveniently forget to tell you the bad and the ugly.
I thought that pregnancy was no big deal. Your wife is a little queazy, nine months later, you are holding your kid in your hands.
Let me tell you, friend-o… it’s not that simple.
Here are the 7 things I wish I had known before.
Now, the good parts in pregnancy are definitely there. The first ultrasound is awe-inspiring. Talking about names, learning about parenting, and preparing your house are all fulfilling adventures.
You’ll be in a new phase of your life. As with any other stage, there will be good parts and challenging parts. Roll right on through and keep your eye on the prize.