Fatherhood
- “Morning Sickness” is an innocuous term for three months of pure hell. Your wife is going to be sick, and I mean totally sick. Not just in the morning. At all hours. Everything about you will cause her to vomit. Your breath, your body odor, the same breakfast you’ve been eating for the past three years. There is nothing you can do to stop it.
- Deciding to get in shape while your wife is pregnant is a horrible idea. Research says that if you want to stick to the gym, you need a buddy. We need accountability and support to keep moving forward. While becoming a father will probably encourage you to do all you can to take care of yourself, don’t expect your wife to be too happy. Find someone else whom you can share your victories with. She’s not impressed that you weighed in at a new minimum weight. She’ll just glare at you while she finishes her second bowl of ice cream.
- Loneliness and the First Trimester are BFFs. Sadly, as your wife is feeling unwell, there will be a decrease in the amount of time you’ll be cuddling. After all, if she can’t stand the smell of your breath, you won’t be getting very close. There will be some loneliness in there. It’s not that she doesn’t love you or that you don’t love her. It is just that there is some distance out of necessity. (And BTW, she feels lonely too.)
- If you like cuddling at bedtime, forget about it. As your child grows, your wife will need to get a body pillow to support herself. That pillow becomes the Berlin Wall in your bed. You will never be able to get close because that dang pillow is in the way. MOVE OVER PILLOW!!!
- Say goodbye to your favorite foods. Pregnancy causes changes in your wife’s digestive system. Do you love burritos? Not anymore you don’t. They’ll still be there… in nine months.
- Check to see how her day went first. If hers was horrible, yours better be just as bad. If your day was amazing, and hers wasn’t, don’t plan on sharing that little detail. She isn’t interested in hearing about your five mile run at dawn or the great time you had at a Chamber of Commerce open bar networking event. She’ll be grumpy and glare at you. Better tell a friend.
- Get ready to work! Your wife is going to lose control over her abdominal muscles. On top of that, she’s sick and can’t bend over. Strap yourself in because you just became the housekeeper. She can’t tie her shoes, pickup a sock she dropped, or get up off the floor without your help. You’re going to be carrying the household.
Daily Family Prayer
Now that then Lenten season is over, it’s important for us to remember that while the season is gone, the positive steps we’ve taken in our lives should not be. The whole point of Lent is to refocus our attention and help us get closer to the people that we want to be. When the season is over, it’s still up to us to make decisions that keep us going in the right direction.
Growing up, my family always prayed together in the evening. We would learn a new prayer each year, pray the usual prayers, and learn about our faith. My dad would choose sections from the Catechism for us to discuss and learn about. It was a great system. Sadly, as we got older and our lives started to get very busy, we moved away from family prayer time.
Praying as a family has been something that Alison and I have struggled to incorporate, but I think we’re finally getting our routine worked out.
Families tend to be together twice per day. They start their day at home and they end their day at home. After breakfast (sometimes even before!), everyone scatters in different directions. Parents go to work, kids go to school, then after-school activities, social clubs, the list goes on and on. When the family regroups at the end of the day, when everyone “comes in from the fields,” there’s a need for quality time together.
Since we spend so much of our days apart, we need time together to connect, communicate and bond. Prayer can do that. In fact, prayer in community is important!
There’s a dynamic of our faith that focuses on the interior life. We should each have a personal relationship with God and be constantly praying and living out our faith. The Church also reminds us that the community life, and more specifically communal spirituality is also very important. When we pray in community, we further support each other and intercede for each other. The Church so heavily emphasizes the communal aspect of the spiritual life that She has entire communities of religious brothers and sisters living, working, and praying together.
Alison and I have daily prayer time in the evening, typically when the kitchen is clean. We’re not always 100% perfect in having this time, but we’re making an honest effort and are starting to see the benefits. There are three main parts to our prayer. We start with a section of the Catechism and discussion. We talk about what line jumped out at us or make observations about what the particular teaching means. We then each share our petitions. We close our family prayer time with an Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and then we bless each other.
It’s simple, it’s straightforward, and it’s ours.
Now it’s time for you to make yours. Talk to your wife about her spirituality and design a family prayer routine that appeals to both of you. Then, designate a sacred time and make it happen.
Prayer, like all relationships, can and must change. As time goes on, if things get stale, change it up. Live a vibrant family spirituality!
Praying as a family on a daily basis can be challenging. At the end of the day, it’s all about priorities.
4 Myths About Parenting
It’s truly sad how little we value children today. Modern couples are pressured and even praised for holding off on starting a family for any degree of time. Instead of being seen for the value that they truly have, and without accounting for the sheer joy of shepherding your own child, children are seen as a roadblock. We tell women that they can’t both be a mother and a valuable employee. We tell men that children will ruin all of your fun.
To be honest, those are all lies.
Without being a parent yourself, it is difficult to fully comprehend the true nature and joy of parenthood. As the youngest of 3 children, I didn’t know anything about kids until 5 months ago. Even in my short tenure as a dad, I’ve come to realize how special it is to have a family. There’s nothing better at the end of a bad day than Benedict looking up at me and smiling. Even when it’s immediately followed by him urping all over me.
If kids are so wonderful, what is driving us to delay starting a family and forcing the medical community to divert resources away from lifesaving research to serving our own selfish pursuits? Myths. I want to address four of those myths now.
• You can’t live your dreams. Kids don’t get in the way of your dreams, they force you to find a new way. If you’re not willing to change your plan to reach your dream, you didn’t really want it. If it wasn’t a child’s daily schedule getting in the way, it’d be something else. You might even find that, at the end of the day, the changes you needed to make to your plans worked a lot better than your original ones.
• Kids hold you back. Things get done because we decided that they’re important and we make them happen. Sometimes people will complain that they can’t run a marathon or write a novel, or whatever major goal they have for themselves because they have kids. I can’t help but wonder how many marathons they ran or novels they wrote in all the time they had before they had children. Kids don’t hold you back, they just offer you an excuse. If you really want something, you’ll find a way to make it happen.
• You won’t be happy. Really the only time that it’s a challenge to find joy in being a parent is during early morning feedings. Kids will bring you some degree of happiness, that’s true. They actually offer something much better: fulfillment. Happiness fades, fulfillment doesn’t.
• You’ll never have time to yourself. This one is great. Sure, your child needs your help throughout the day for all sorts of things. They also sleep. So you might not have that 5pm-9pm time slot for “me time” anymore, but 5am-6am is available, so is 9pm-midnight.
Parenting is a great responsibility. Like anything that’s worth doing, it’s difficult. By ignoring the myths and the lies, you can enjoy the experience of a lifetime: bringing forth life into the world and help it to thrive.
Avoiding Neglect
We’re men. We’re hard charging. We’re all about getting stuff done. But how do you do that while not ignoring your family?
I always have a task list of things to get done. In fact, I have a daily list of 10 things that I need to get done. They include exercise, cleaning the kitchen, logging my food, and writing this blog!
Before Benedict, it wasn’t really that hard. My time was mostly my own and I could go with the flow. Now that Benedict is here, I have to make sure that my schedule fits into his and the responsibilities that I share with Alison.
Even though I have this new reality to work with, how do I keep getting my task list done?
• Buy more time. There are only 24 hours in a day. Several of them are already spoken for. Some by sleep, others by work. Still, you probably have 8 good hours to your name every day. One of the easiest ways to get “more time” is to wake up earlier. If you like sleeping in or hitting the snooze button, cut it out.
• Find your guaranteed time. There are certain hours during the day that you will have no competition for. It could be before the kids get up or after they go to bed. It might be uncomfortable or might not fit into your schedule now, but a few tweaks could make it work. If you commit to getting certain tasks in during these times, like exercise, you can get them done and not feel guilty. My guaranteed time is 5am - 6am.
• Trim your list. Face it, we can’t do everything. Find the essentials and ditch the rest. You can always get them back later.
Being married or being a dad involves dedicating more of your day to other people that you love. Just don’t forget to take care of your essentials.
Children are Truly the Fruit
My son is rapidly approaching the one month mark and the experience for me, as a father, has been something truly amazing.
As I was preparing for his birth, many people gave me lots of advice. They’d joke about their days as new parents or even try to drop some helpful tips, such as “sleep when he sleeps.” What no one mentioned was how children truly strengthen your marriage and amplify the love you have for your spouse.
It’s truly sad that there is a strong undercurrent that pushes young people, and even young marriages, to avoid bringing a child into the world at all. Why would we rob ourselves of the joy of sharing our lives with our family?
We are selfish. We think that anytime we have to give something, we are going to be unhappy. We think that the reduction in disposable income, the loss of some sleep, and the loss of some freedom that a new baby causes is going to lessen the enjoyment we get out of life.
I haven’t found that to be the case.
My wife and I communicate even more now than we did before he arrived. Some of it is about him, but most of it is just about our life as a family. I will often look at him and be reminded physically of my intangible love for my wife.
Yes, there are things that are hard to deal with. The sound of crying isn’t the most pleasant, but it’s more like the alarm clock for love. When he makes that crying noise, he needs me. It’s my time to tend to his needs and thus, my time to love him.
I can also find ways to love my wife through him. For example, on Black Friday, I gave Alison the day off. She got to go shopping in peace without having to worry about his needs and I was able to take him with me to a museum. Had he not been here, we may have just spent the day apart with no real act of love rendered.
Plus, he’s just so dang cute.
Don’t believe the myth that you have to “childproof your marriage.” Change your paradigm and see your child as a new way to love your wife.
Leaving A Legacy
One of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had was seeing pictures of my parents when they were first married.
As a child, you know your parent in one dimension. They are the mature, wise, fully grown adult. You never get to meet or interact with your youthful parents in any memorable way.
When it comes to the topic of legacy, you should consider what you leave your children beyond money.
Certainly there will be stories and family folklore. You should also consider leaving them a written history.
My wife and I have been working on writing down our family history. We are each writing about our own childhoods and working together to share the real life journey story that begins when we met.
As life happens, we plan to add chapters and sections that will highlight important family or personal events.
By the time my life comes to a close, I hope that this work is a great adventure for my children, grandchildren and beyond. I’m trying to be honest so that they can really understand who I am. I am partly inspired by the brutally honest Steve Jobs biography (title?).
Not that my life is ugly, but I want them to know and understand my thinking through difficult decisions.
Consider leaving a written record to your own children. They may not appreciate it today. One day, however, it will be a cherished experience for them to get to know you as person, not just you as parent.
Children Are A Reward
Each year, the Church celebrates Natural Family Planning (NFP) Awareness Week. We should all take time to learn more about this ethical method of responsible Family Planning. I’d like to share some thoughts with you.
Sadly, our culture has come to view children as a burden. Individuals, both young and old, male and female, married and unmarried, take unethical, unnatural, and excessive steps to prevent the conception of a child. The abortion industry, and those in healthcare who advocate for abortions, have convinced the world that pregnancy is a disease, not a gift.
Being a father, and having lived with a pregnant wife, I know that pregnancy can seem like a curse with all of its unfortunate side effects. But that illusion is selfish.
Children are a fruit of a marriage, they are a blessing! Psalm 127:3 states this clearly when the Psalmist writes, “Children are a gift from God, the fruit of the womb, a reward.”
We’ve gotten away from God’s plan for families and moved towards man’s plan for his own fulfillment.
If you’re new to NFP, no sweat. Here is NFP in a nutshell. Your wife is only capable of achieving pregnancy on a few days during her cycle. These fertile days can be scientifically approximated by observing certain fertility signs, such as her Basal Body Temperature. By observing and charting these signs, you can either know when to have sex to achieve pregnancy or when to abstain to avoid pregnancy for serious, valid, moral reasons.
Now, how is NFP different from commonly prescribed contraceptives? Easy. NFP is you and your wife, together, working in parallel with the natural fertility cycle of her body. Think of it as sanding with the grain. Nice and smooth. Contraceptives act perpendicular to your wife’s natural fertility cycle. They seek to disrupt her cycle and trick her body into releasing hormones that prevent her from achieving pregnancy. This is like sanding against the grain. You must actively work against her body to achieve the end.
NFP respects your wife and is 100% organic. No drugs, no shots, no pills to take, no medical procedures to endure, no man-made substances. It’s as clean as a fresh spring air. Contraceptives are 100% artificial. They’re hormones (which you probably try to avoid in what you’re eating), they’re chemicals, and they have deadly side effects.
My wife and I use Natural Family Planning and it has been incredibly effective. It is actually pretty fun to know exactly where she is. It can save you from asking, in an argument, “Are you mad because you’re on your period?” They say knowledge is power…
My favorite part about NFP is having a better understanding of how her body works. I’m no longer grossed out by her reproductive processes and I actually have a greater appreciation for the grand design of the human body.
Don’t take my word for it. Do your homework, dig into the facts (like the incredibly low divorce rate among NFP couples), and work with your wife, not against her.
Results May Vary
Don’t wait to get married to have sex, do it now! If you get pregnant, it’s not a baby until it is born. In fact, you’ve made a mistake! Great going.
Like me, you have probably received a lot of messaging about marriage before you were married. Despite all of these messages, I’ve noticed something strange.
Results may vary.
Sex
Message: Waiting for marriage is for losers. You should have sex before you graduate from High School. It is awesome. It is the best.
My results: I cannot imagine having sex with anyone but my spouse. Much like cohabitation, you cannot possibly recreate all of the circumstances without the marital bond. It is so life-giving. It is so fulfilling. The physical act is the vehicle for the emotional, mental, and spiritually transcendence. It is like the gateway to those deep connections.
In fact, I would make the argument that when you have sex before you are married, you rob yourself. You steal the chance to know what it really means to have the fullness of this experience. That is not to say if you made a mistake you are not redeemable. What it is to say is that there is a fullness of this reality that is available to those who make the tough choices to wait.
Pregnancy
Myth: If you get pregnant, you’ve done something wrong.
My results: At this writing (March), my child is just four weeks old. Do you know what a four week old baby looks like? A clump of cells. My child is no bigger than a poppy seed. Despite their small size, I love this child so much. This child is mine. My wife and I have already started rearranging our apartment to prepare for our little pea.
I love this kid. I can’t wait to share my life with them. I recognize that this life is sacred. I recognize that even though they are so small, they are truly a human and they have a soul. It is beyond me that I am allowed, with my wife, to be a co-creator. It is beyond me that I am allowed to participate so actively in God’s plan of creation. It is beyond me that I have given life.
You can see from just these two specific instances, we’ve been lied to. I am grateful that I did not buy into the lie. I am grateful that I chose discipline in my life. I am grateful that I have found the one I was designed to be with from the beginning of time, my wife. I am grateful that our first child, also designed from the beginning of time, will soon enter into my house.
When the torrents beat against you, remember the most popular disclaimer of all: Results may vary.
Dad Smart
One of the most interesting experiences for me in being a new dad is how I am starting to recall particular memories.
When you and your wife are expecting your first child, there is a certain type of mental activity that, I must assume, all parents go through.
You begin to see the world around you differently. You notice other people’s children and how they behave. When they do things that you think are right, you try to figure out how you will mold your own child to do that thing. When they are a nightmare, you go through the same exercise.
I am finding that I am re-processing little childhood memories of my dad and how he incorporated faith into our daily lives.
For example, at family prayers, we’d go through questions in a Catechism. To this day, I call still tell you the four cardinal virtues by using the phrase, “Toilet Paper Just Fell.” Translation: temperance, prudence, justice, fortitude.
Each evening, before we went to bed, we’d each bless each other by drawing a cross on each other’s foreheads.
He used to put up weekly bible versus on the refrigerator. Sadly, many military deployments disrupted that tradition. But, I still remember the first one. “Children are a gift from God, they are His reward.” I was four.
It is important to realize that your actions as a man make an impression on those around you, not just your children.
How you model the role of husband (and father) is seen and observed by both little eyes and grown eyes. As the saying goes, “More is caught than taught.”
So many blog posts have asked you to look at the example you set and start to live the one you’d like seen. I do this again today. This time, pay extra attention to how you are showing your faith to your wife, family, friends, colleagues, and strangers.
7 Things I Wish I Had Known About Pregnancy
Becoming a parent for the first time is an amazing experience. I should warn you, though. You have been lied to.
Now don’t blame me, I didn’t do it. Like so many things in life, you are given the good while they conveniently forget to tell you the bad and the ugly.
I thought that pregnancy was no big deal. Your wife is a little queazy, nine months later, you are holding your kid in your hands.
Let me tell you, friend-o… it’s not that simple.
Here are the 7 things I wish I had known before.
Now, the good parts in pregnancy are definitely there. The first ultrasound is awe-inspiring. Talking about names, learning about parenting, and preparing your house are all fulfilling adventures.
You’ll be in a new phase of your life. As with any other stage, there will be good parts and challenging parts. Roll right on through and keep your eye on the prize.