Fatherhood
Making Time for Playtime
Kids grow up too fast. As parents, we have the privilege of experiencing their daily growth. As a part of this experience, the days can quickly and easily meld into one another and huge developmental leaps can be quickly overlooked as others come along. It’s important for us, despite our busy lives, to remember something from our own childhood: it’s important to make time for playtime.
As adults, we have significantly more responsibilities than we did as children. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal on sleep indicated that the best age for optimal sleep is 8 years old. According to the article, when an 8 year old goes to sleep, they do so effortlessly. In their minds, the day is over, there is nothing else that needs to be done, and so their brain is able to rest. As adults, we let pillow time become stress time. We go over the day’s events, stress over tomorrow, and think about 30 things on our to-do list that we can’t do anything about in that moment.
Playtime is especially important for parents. We need to schedule, if necessary, time to play with our kids. There’s a balance to be struck. Our kids need their independence and time to explore the world. It’s healthy for them to learn to self-soothe, to self-entertain, and to self-direct. It’s also healthy for them to have structured time in which to interact with their parents. This not only forms healthy parent-child bonds, it communicates a deep love for them. When their parents take the time to play with them, it means a lot to that child.
The main obstacle keeping you from playing with your kids on a regular basis is your own energy. We get up early, go to work, and come home exhausted. We let the daily grind and stresses wear us down and, at the end of the day, our tanks are empty. Why is it that kids can get up early, run around all day, study in school, and at bedtime still have tons of energy? It’s because they do things to keep their energy levels topped off. They laugh easily. They exercise. They sleep. They do all of the things that we don’t do as adults.
The secret to life is to live like a child. Make exercise a part of your life. Have superior sleep hygiene so that your time in bed is dedicated to sleep, not stress. Involve a robust prayer life in your day. Prayer alone can be a game changer. The meditation and mindfulness that’s involved with prayer has been linked in study after study to better health outcomes. Meditation and mindfulness lower your blood pressure, manage some chronic conditions, and actually rewires your brain.
If you resolve to living like a child, then you need time for play. Dedicate that time to playing with your kids. Go to a park, run around in the yard, play catch. Don’t let anything interrupt your plans because you won’t get today back. Your kids will only be home for so long until they move out to start their own families.
Even though you’re living like a kid, you still have adult responsibilities. As much as you can, do your thing while they sleep. Reading is important. I like reading books daily, along with the paper. I read books early in the morning when Alison and Benedict are asleep. I read the paper in the afternoon while Benedict is napping and Alison is still at work. This schedule allows me to have “me” time that I consider a priority without stealing from together time with my family. If your kids are old enough, have “Reading Time” in your house. We did this in my family growing up. For 30 minutes a day, we all stopped what we were doing and read.
As the parent, you’re in the driver’s seat. If you make time to play with your kids, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to read, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to pray, it’ll happen. It’s good to be king. So be a good king. Don’t neglect playtime. It’ll pay dividends.
Kids at Mass
There’s an ongoing debate in the Catholic Church about what should be done with children who make noises during Mass. To some, it’s a needless distraction when kids can be taken to the cry room. To others, it’s important for the kids to have Mass as a regular part of their lives. To those who think that kids making noise should be immediately removed from the Sanctuary, let me save you some time, you’re wrong.
Parents should make every reasonable effort to bring enough discipline into their children’s lives so that they will be respectful during Mass. However, especially with very young children, sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Despite this reality, I think that there are three reasons why kids should be kept in Church during the Mass for as long as possible.
• Cries of children are the voice of the young Church. We have a Church that loves and promotes life. When I hear kids making noise at Mass, I celebrate the fact that in a time when children are so vigorously avoided, I’m part of a community that rejects that lie. As Baptized members of our Church, young children have just as much of a right to be at Mass as anyone else. Their cries remind us that our Church isn’t going anywhere and that its saving mission will continue long after we’re gone.
• The majority of US Catholics don’t go to Mass weekly, so let’s start this generation right. If Mass is important (which it is), I want to communicate that fact to Benedict. I don’t want there to ever be a time when he doesn’t have Mass as a part of his weekly schedule. The younger years are the time when habits and world views are established. If we want a healthier and more vibrant Church, we need to do what great marketers already know, and start them young.
• You’re already distracted, so don’t blame it on the kids. One of the more common arguments in favor of removing kids from Mass is that it’s a distraction. I’d counter by saying you’re already distracted. You read the bulletin during the homily, your eyes glaze over during the readings, and honestly, those are only the exterior signs. My keeping Benedict at home isn’t going to instantly make you attentive.
I’m also opposed to families leaving kids at home entirely. I know that it’s a challenge wrangling kids at Mass, and I can only imagine how difficult it is with multiple young children. At one point, I heard it suggested that by splitting the family for Mass, the parents could finally prayerfully concentrate during the liturgy. First, I think that families should always go to Mass together. Second, I don’t consider caring for Benedict a detraction from my prayer. I see fulfilling my vocation as a father to be an entirely prayerful experience.
All that being said, there are times when kids need to be removed for a few minutes to collect themselves. At 11 months, Benedict is usually getting restless after Communion, so one of us will take him into the back for the final blessing. If you do take your child out, make it for as short a time as possible.
When your kids are at an age where they can start to understand things, hype up the Mass. Explain to them how awesome it is. Sit in the front so they can see everything happening. Find ways to engage them. Show them the splendor of the Church.
The family needs to go to Mass together and children need to be there. Period.
My Favorite Part of Fatherhood
I love my son. He’s 11 months now and really knows how to get around.
During the day, we have a few blocks of time that I loosely call free-play. For most of the time, we’re both in the Family Room. I’m either on the couch or standing at the breakfast nook working on this or that.
I have a pretty hands-off approach during free-play. We have plenty of other times during the day where either Alison or I are actively directing his activities. So, during free-play, I put toys all over the Family Room and he’s free to wander and play as he wishes. Sometimes he’ll look out the window or systematically pull books off the bookshelf.
This time gives him a safe place where he can explore his world. He can feel different textures, experience the freedom of movement, and practice his coordination. I see his developmental growth as a tiny human and it’s really fun.
My favorite part of fatherhood happens during free-play. It’s when, despite the dozens of other options available to him, he crawls over, stands up on the couch, and wants to see me. He laughs, he smiles, he tries to bite my toes.
It’s a great time for both of us. We connect. It’s my favorite part of fatherhood.
Dear Benedict, Live Purely
Dear Benedict,
I wanted to write you this letter because it’s my responsibility to help you grow into the man that you were made to be. You were created with a very specific purpose in the course of Salvation History. Your mother and I are so privileged and honored to have you in our lives. You are a constant source of joy and fulfillment to me personally and to our marriage. You are truly the fruit of our love.
I know that it’s difficult to be a man today. Things were difficult in my youth, and I know that things are 100x more difficult for you now. Time has marched on and our society has continued its relentless pursuit of hedonistic individualism. It’s not right that they make it so hard for you to be the man that you were made to be, but we have a secret weapon. We have our faith.
No matter how much the world changes, throughout the history of the Church, She has remained steadfast. Whenever you are in a difficult position, look to the Church for aid and comfort. You can trust Her. She has your best intentions at heart.
I want to take this time to talk to you about the one virtue you must have to be a real man. You must be pure. Sadly, our culture has lost its way. We’ve forgotten about the intrinsic value of the human person. We’ve stopped expecting men to be men and we’ve stopped treating women in the way that they deserve.
I hope that I’ve given you a good example. I love your mother and she is the person whom I love most in the world. I hope that by watching us and how we manage our household, you can see that deep love and bond that we share. I hope that as you’ve seen me lead our family that you’ve been inspired to grow in holiness.
In this letter, I want to give you a model for your life and how you relate with women. This is going to be a challenge because almost every point that I will lay out has serious pushback from all sides. The media and probably even your peers would disagree with what I’m about to tell you. They’ll tell you that I’m wrong or old-fashioned or too conservative.
The truth is that what I’m going to share with you is backed by solid philosophy and an evidence-based track record spanning recorded human history. What they tell you is nothing more than thinly-veiled repackaged lies that have been proven over and over again to lead to despair and destruction.
Remember son, I only want what’s best for you. From the moment that your mother and I found out that you existed, we have both sacrificed everything for you and we’ve done it with great joy. The world wants you to follow it for it’s own benefit. Your mother and I want you to follow us for your benefit.
Let’s get started.
You need to live a pure and chaste life. The gift of human sexuality is one of the most precious that we’ve been given by God. To be able to actively and directly participate in His plan of creation and salvation is a deep honor. It tells us so much about how He views us and trusts us. It’s true that sex is a pleasurable act. But sex can only reach its apex within a marriage. Within the context of marriage, spouses are safe to surrender to each other. The martial act is physical, but it transcends space and time. It binds the spouses together emotionally, physically and spiritually. It mirrors God’s love for the Church and is such a powerful force of nature that it can literally beget life. Sex within marriage is true freedom. Sexual acts of any type outside of marriage are an enslavement. It can lead to addiction just as strong and destructive as any illicit drug or alcoholism. Your future wife deserves to have all of your heart, not what’s left by time she gets to you. Save your heart and your purity for her. If you’re called to the priesthood, save it as a gift to the Church and Her saving mission. By embracing a life of purity, you’ll be the master of your body and will respect God’s greatest gift to you.
Purity starts with a proper view of women. One of my favorite activities is to people watch. I like to look at them and think about their lives. Who are they? How did they get here? What do they do? What is their family like? What was their happiest moment? Each person has a soul and God knows their whole story. It’s incredible. Men and women were made for each other. We know this to be Truth in the physical reality of the complimentary nature of our bodies, the complimentary nature of our intellects, and through the teachings of the Church. We weren’t chosen to be the bearers of life, women were. That fact alone merits the highest respect possible from us. We have a role in the family and it, too, is important At the end of the day, however, women have the capacity to nurture new life. Women aren’t sexual objects for us to consume and conquer, they’re human persons with dignity and the title of “life bearer.” If you want to be truly free from impurity, never lose this vision of women.
Don’t let anything get in the way of your purity. There are plenty of opportunities to participate in a culture that denigrates women and celebrates selfishness. Our family doesn’t participate in that. This is perhaps going to be the hardest thing for both of us. There will be movies that your friends will see that you won’t be able to. There will be television shows that they will enjoy and talk about that we won’t watch. There will be musicians that they listen to that we don’t listen to. Your mother and I promise to be judicious in deciding what you can see, watch, and listen to and what you can’t. We have a very high standard. It’s a waste of the gift of life to spend our time consuming media that doesn’t build us up. It will seem unfair and it may even be embarrassing for you with your friends, but media has the ability to subvert us. It has a way of changing our perception and normalizing things that shouldn’t be normalized. We want to protect you in these formative years and give you the decision making tools to carry you through adulthood.
We will be helping you use electronic communications constructively. We’re both very lucky to be living in the this world of communications technology. You’re able to keep in touch with friends around the world, engage in dialogue, and see some very funny internet videos. Your mother and I are going to help you to use these technologies constructively. We as human persons are the master of these technologies, they’re designed to serve us. We need to keep that in mind. To help, we’re going to sit down together on a regular basis and decide who you should be connected with and whom you shouldn’t. This is about more than just stranger danger. In the summer months, we’re going to have to disconnect from your female peers who show too much skin on the beach. We must respect them even if they don’t know how to respect themselves. We’re going to have to disconnect from your male peers who post pictures of themselves breaking the law. Laws created justly must be obeyed, no matter our personal opinion. Jesus showed us that when He spoke to Pilate. We’re going to put our technology away at dinner, there won’t be any TVs or computers in your room, and at a certain time each night we’re going to take your phone and other technology and put it away. We’re going to have an internet safety plan that keeps us all safe. This, too, may be difficult to endure when some of your friends have free rein. Remember, we love you and we want you to be truly free. This is how responsible adults behave. We know our limits, we see areas of temptation and we avoid them
We’re going to say no to pornography of any type. The statistics on the exposure of youth to pornography are beyond frightening. The scarier thing is the truth behind it. Not only is pornography as addictive as the most dangerous of drugs, pornographers routinely participate in human trafficking to meet demand. Women are literally enslaved. I said a moment ago that we’re going to have an internet safety plan, but there are going to be times when you’re with friends or somewhere else and they’re going to try to show you something. It will be tremendously difficult to say no, but I want you to call me or your mother and we’ll come and get you right away. It’s not your fault, we won’t be mad at you. We want to help you be the man you were made to be. We want to respect women and not participate in anything that continues the immoral and criminal treatment of women.
Above all, I’m always here to talk. If you make a mistake, if something pops up on the computer, if anything happens, I want you to have the courage to talk to me about it. I promise not to get mad or to treat you harshly. Even I need mercy in my own life. The evil of impurity relies on secrecy and lies. This is where the Devil operates. There really are accidents and if something happens, I want to work with you to make sure that it can’t happen again. I want to show you that love conquers all and I want to emulate God’s endless mercy for us.
With all of this, I hope to help you to grow and mature. There will be times when we disagree, but know that I seek to do all things to help you be the man you were made to be. Your mother and I do all of this today because there will be a day when you pack your bags and leave the safety of our home. All of the choices will be yours. When that day comes, I want you to have the confidence you need to keep making good decisions so that you can be prepared to give your whole heart to your beloved or to the Church.
Right now, your wife is somewhere in the world. She is either an amazing young lady or the Church. She deserves a great man to love her. With each day, pray for her. With each day, make decisions that will prepare you to be the best husband you can for her.
You were made for greatness. You were made for true freedom. Be that man.
I love you.
Dad
Make Her A Hero
Words have power. Words have the ability to build someone up or strike someone down. They have the power to reveal someone’s innermost thoughts or heal a past hurt.
As is probably quite normal in many young families, when we had our baby shower for Benedict, we got tons of books. I have two favorites, My Dad is Brilliant and Big, Brave Daddy. I love hearing Alison read those stories to our son for one particular reason, it makes me feel good about who I am as a father.
As I pondered those feelings further, it struck me. I need to be building up Alison in the same way that she builds me up with those books.
I have a lot to be proud of when it comes to Alison. Being a part of her life is a great privilege for me. I love that I’m able to empower her to heal people by staying home and caring for Benedict. She’s a hero in our community and in the lives of her patients.
No one should ever hear an ill word about your wife from you. Honestly, in my estimation, anytime I’ve been mad at Alison, I’m the root cause. You might find yourself in the same situation. So when we don’t speak well of our wives, we’re doing them a disservice. They’re probably not the problem; we are.
Teach your kids that your wife is a superhero. Tell them why. Whether she’s in the boardroom, the classroom, or in your home nurturing your family every day, she’s a superhero. She has sacrificed things in her life for the good of her family. That’s a superhero in my book.
Tell your parents about the amazing things she does. Tell your friends about the great thing she does.
Marriage is about joy. Live like it.
Lead Your Children by Example
The responsibility of parenthood lies not so much in the direct instruction of children, but more so in setting the right example.
A few weeks ago, Alison and I were invited to a backyard concert. It was a bit of a drive away and Alison had to work the next morning, but we went anyway. It was an intimate setting, about 40 people on a clear, beautiful, DC summer night. The concert featured Joe Zambon and Kevin Heider. It was incredible.
There were several reasons why I voted that we should go, despite the challenges. I know that Alison and I need to have relaxing date nights. I know that we need interaction with peers. I know that Benedict needs new experiences. Above all, I considered the evening to have two very good elements. First, there was the 3 hours in the car of conversations. Second, going to a Catholic concert would be an excellent way to enrich our faith.
I know that being Catholic doesn’t mean just 1 hour per week. I know that the daily struggle is real. I know that we need to be constantly growing, and finding new ways to live our faith.
I know all of this, and I want Benedict to know it, too.
Our children learn a large portion of their behaviors and world view based on our example. That means that Benedict is learning things from me right now, even though all he can say is “ba” and “da.” So even though he doesn’t understand the Mass, he knows we go there on a regular basis.
We have things that we value: faith, wellness, family. In order for our children to value those things, we have to show them that they’re important. I think that physical wellness is important, so Benedict and I go for walks every day. I think that a healthy prayer life is important, so we pray as a family. I think that family is important, so we spend quality time together.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be merciful, but I can be merciful to him.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be compassionate, but I can take him volunteering with me.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be faithful, but I can be excited about living out my faith.
No parent is perfect. But every parent is qualified to lead their children well.
Deferring Your Wants
We live in a microwave culture. We want everything, now.
A major burden for new doctors is the size of their medical school debt. Unfortunately, most medical students finance their education with loans, as Alison and I did. While the long term return on investment may be good, eventually, the repayment period is especially heavy. Since Alison and I are in the repayment period now, I’ve started to notice how many wants I really have.
We all have wants. Whether it’s cars, tech, or clothing, there’s always something out there that we’d like to have. The problem is that our wants sometimes don’t line up with our status in life. Alison and I would love to have a home with a nice yard. Right now, that’s just not a possibility. So we’re renting a townhouse. It’s a step up from our apartment, but not quite the dream.
During the times of our lives when we don’t have the luxury of getting some of our wants, we really have to dig in and defer those wants for our current needs. So while I might like a new computer, Alison and I should instead pay down some student loans.
It’s actually the mark of manliness to yield to the needs of your family. It’s the sign of true adulthood when you can defer pleasure. I know that eventually we’ll have enough for a new computer, but that isn’t today.
That’s the lie that your wants will tell you. That if you can’t have it today, you’ll never get it. The ridiculous thing is that when you finally can get that want, it will be way better than today’s version. Everything is always getting better, companies are always launching new products. So while I can’t get the computer I want today, when I finally do upgrade, it will be way better than what I would have gotten today.
In all of this, we have to make sure we don’t become materialistic. It’s ok to want things. It’s not ok to be envious of others who have it, or to let it consume us.
When you’re at a stage in life when you can’t afford wants, it’s the perfect time to be grateful for all of the things you have now. After all, Alison and I may be broke right now, but our version of broke is actually quite comfortable.
You’re the Servant of All
The Pope has many titles. Perhaps most intriguing is “Servant of the Servants of God."
This Papal title is especially perplexing because we tend to think of the Pope as a very powerful man. He’s someone who inspires us and draws us closer to God. He ends conflict and brings peace and harmony into the world. He rubs shoulders with dictators and diplomats. Why would he have such a lowly title?
Answer: he’s the exemplar of servant leadership. He leads, yes, but he doesn’t succumb to power. His humility keeps his authority in check.
As husbands, we should fill a similar role in our homes.
Of course, we’re the head of our household. But that title or position should be more like the Abbot of a monastery than a tyrant. We’re charged with promoting peace, the care of the defenseless, and the protection of the family.
One of the ways we can be the servant of our family is to do tasks that others might not prefer to do. No one likes calling utility companies, but we can. We can lift that burden from our wife. No one wants to kill a spider or pick up a dead mouse. But we can.
By serving our families well, we show our love. We show our respect for members of our family. We practice true servant leadership.
We’re tasked to lead. Will we be tyrants or Abbots?
The Scariest Part of Being A Stay-at-Home Dad
I’m about to embark on a new adventure and I’m both scared and excited at the same time.
At the end of April, I left my job. I’ve started working full time at ChetComm, a company that I started in 2007, spending my time working on both Catholic Husband and developing an iOS app. It also means that when Alison starts her work at the hospital, I’ll be a stay-at-home parent.
We’ve been working for a few weeks on getting Benedict and I’s schedule down. I have a solid plan that allows me to keep the household in order and log 3 hours working on ChetComm projects during his naps. The thing that I’m most scared of is keeping Benedict entertained.
As Benedict keeps growing, he’s becoming more and more interactive. It’s a lot of fun, not only to see him to develop, but to be building a relationship with him. He certainly recognizes Alison and I and he’s now responding to us. I know that over the next 3 years he’s going to make huge leaps and bounds. So how will I keep him meaningfully engaged?
I’m at least thankful that I do have time and his needs will only increase gradually. That’ll give me enough time to plan and adjust.
In the end, I think it comes down to serious time management discipline. I need to balance spending high quality time with Benedict, while being disciplined during his naps to grow my writing skills and my business. I want to help people, I want to help them be better prepared for marriage, and I want to help them live their marriage more fully. I want to help you! That won’t happen if I don’t continue to work every day on Catholic Husband.
I’m excited for our family’s many new adventures, perhaps most of all this one as a full-time Dad and full-time writer. New roles in our lives can be scary, so we need to take them in stride.
Withhold Nothing
We’re called to be selfless in this culture of selfishness.
Last Fall, as Alison and I were preparing for the arrival of Benedict, I spent a few days on a business trip on Mackinac Island. Mackinac is a fabulous summer vacation for Michiganders that’s accessible only by boat or plane. There aren’t any cars allowed (except for a few emergency vehicles) and everything is moved around by horses. It’s an old-timey town with a lot of charm and history.
Alison and I were planning a trip up to Mackinac Island this summer and were considering leaving Benedict with her parents so that we could have some alone time to strengthen our marriage. While walking around on the island last fall, it hit me. Why would I not want to share this with Benedict?
It can be very easy to keep our best for ourselves, but what’s the point? Life and love are experienced at their fullest when we give them all away. Look at Christ’s perfect example. He made all things new by refusing to withhold even His own life from us.
Give away your very best. There’s no reason to be selfish!
From your wife, from your children… withhold nothing!