Fatherhood
My Favorite Part of Fatherhood
I love my son. He’s 11 months now and really knows how to get around.
During the day, we have a few blocks of time that I loosely call free-play. For most of the time, we’re both in the Family Room. I’m either on the couch or standing at the breakfast nook working on this or that.
I have a pretty hands-off approach during free-play. We have plenty of other times during the day where either Alison or I are actively directing his activities. So, during free-play, I put toys all over the Family Room and he’s free to wander and play as he wishes. Sometimes he’ll look out the window or systematically pull books off the bookshelf.
This time gives him a safe place where he can explore his world. He can feel different textures, experience the freedom of movement, and practice his coordination. I see his developmental growth as a tiny human and it’s really fun.
My favorite part of fatherhood happens during free-play. It’s when, despite the dozens of other options available to him, he crawls over, stands up on the couch, and wants to see me. He laughs, he smiles, he tries to bite my toes.
It’s a great time for both of us. We connect. It’s my favorite part of fatherhood.
Dear Benedict, Live Purely
Dear Benedict,
I wanted to write you this letter because it’s my responsibility to help you grow into the man that you were made to be. You were created with a very specific purpose in the course of Salvation History. Your mother and I are so privileged and honored to have you in our lives. You are a constant source of joy and fulfillment to me personally and to our marriage. You are truly the fruit of our love.
I know that it’s difficult to be a man today. Things were difficult in my youth, and I know that things are 100x more difficult for you now. Time has marched on and our society has continued its relentless pursuit of hedonistic individualism. It’s not right that they make it so hard for you to be the man that you were made to be, but we have a secret weapon. We have our faith.
No matter how much the world changes, throughout the history of the Church, She has remained steadfast. Whenever you are in a difficult position, look to the Church for aid and comfort. You can trust Her. She has your best intentions at heart.
I want to take this time to talk to you about the one virtue you must have to be a real man. You must be pure. Sadly, our culture has lost its way. We’ve forgotten about the intrinsic value of the human person. We’ve stopped expecting men to be men and we’ve stopped treating women in the way that they deserve.
I hope that I’ve given you a good example. I love your mother and she is the person whom I love most in the world. I hope that by watching us and how we manage our household, you can see that deep love and bond that we share. I hope that as you’ve seen me lead our family that you’ve been inspired to grow in holiness.
In this letter, I want to give you a model for your life and how you relate with women. This is going to be a challenge because almost every point that I will lay out has serious pushback from all sides. The media and probably even your peers would disagree with what I’m about to tell you. They’ll tell you that I’m wrong or old-fashioned or too conservative.
The truth is that what I’m going to share with you is backed by solid philosophy and an evidence-based track record spanning recorded human history. What they tell you is nothing more than thinly-veiled repackaged lies that have been proven over and over again to lead to despair and destruction.
Remember son, I only want what’s best for you. From the moment that your mother and I found out that you existed, we have both sacrificed everything for you and we’ve done it with great joy. The world wants you to follow it for it’s own benefit. Your mother and I want you to follow us for your benefit.
Let’s get started.
You need to live a pure and chaste life. The gift of human sexuality is one of the most precious that we’ve been given by God. To be able to actively and directly participate in His plan of creation and salvation is a deep honor. It tells us so much about how He views us and trusts us. It’s true that sex is a pleasurable act. But sex can only reach its apex within a marriage. Within the context of marriage, spouses are safe to surrender to each other. The martial act is physical, but it transcends space and time. It binds the spouses together emotionally, physically and spiritually. It mirrors God’s love for the Church and is such a powerful force of nature that it can literally beget life. Sex within marriage is true freedom. Sexual acts of any type outside of marriage are an enslavement. It can lead to addiction just as strong and destructive as any illicit drug or alcoholism. Your future wife deserves to have all of your heart, not what’s left by time she gets to you. Save your heart and your purity for her. If you’re called to the priesthood, save it as a gift to the Church and Her saving mission. By embracing a life of purity, you’ll be the master of your body and will respect God’s greatest gift to you.
Purity starts with a proper view of women. One of my favorite activities is to people watch. I like to look at them and think about their lives. Who are they? How did they get here? What do they do? What is their family like? What was their happiest moment? Each person has a soul and God knows their whole story. It’s incredible. Men and women were made for each other. We know this to be Truth in the physical reality of the complimentary nature of our bodies, the complimentary nature of our intellects, and through the teachings of the Church. We weren’t chosen to be the bearers of life, women were. That fact alone merits the highest respect possible from us. We have a role in the family and it, too, is important At the end of the day, however, women have the capacity to nurture new life. Women aren’t sexual objects for us to consume and conquer, they’re human persons with dignity and the title of “life bearer.” If you want to be truly free from impurity, never lose this vision of women.
Don’t let anything get in the way of your purity. There are plenty of opportunities to participate in a culture that denigrates women and celebrates selfishness. Our family doesn’t participate in that. This is perhaps going to be the hardest thing for both of us. There will be movies that your friends will see that you won’t be able to. There will be television shows that they will enjoy and talk about that we won’t watch. There will be musicians that they listen to that we don’t listen to. Your mother and I promise to be judicious in deciding what you can see, watch, and listen to and what you can’t. We have a very high standard. It’s a waste of the gift of life to spend our time consuming media that doesn’t build us up. It will seem unfair and it may even be embarrassing for you with your friends, but media has the ability to subvert us. It has a way of changing our perception and normalizing things that shouldn’t be normalized. We want to protect you in these formative years and give you the decision making tools to carry you through adulthood.
We will be helping you use electronic communications constructively. We’re both very lucky to be living in the this world of communications technology. You’re able to keep in touch with friends around the world, engage in dialogue, and see some very funny internet videos. Your mother and I are going to help you to use these technologies constructively. We as human persons are the master of these technologies, they’re designed to serve us. We need to keep that in mind. To help, we’re going to sit down together on a regular basis and decide who you should be connected with and whom you shouldn’t. This is about more than just stranger danger. In the summer months, we’re going to have to disconnect from your female peers who show too much skin on the beach. We must respect them even if they don’t know how to respect themselves. We’re going to have to disconnect from your male peers who post pictures of themselves breaking the law. Laws created justly must be obeyed, no matter our personal opinion. Jesus showed us that when He spoke to Pilate. We’re going to put our technology away at dinner, there won’t be any TVs or computers in your room, and at a certain time each night we’re going to take your phone and other technology and put it away. We’re going to have an internet safety plan that keeps us all safe. This, too, may be difficult to endure when some of your friends have free rein. Remember, we love you and we want you to be truly free. This is how responsible adults behave. We know our limits, we see areas of temptation and we avoid them
We’re going to say no to pornography of any type. The statistics on the exposure of youth to pornography are beyond frightening. The scarier thing is the truth behind it. Not only is pornography as addictive as the most dangerous of drugs, pornographers routinely participate in human trafficking to meet demand. Women are literally enslaved. I said a moment ago that we’re going to have an internet safety plan, but there are going to be times when you’re with friends or somewhere else and they’re going to try to show you something. It will be tremendously difficult to say no, but I want you to call me or your mother and we’ll come and get you right away. It’s not your fault, we won’t be mad at you. We want to help you be the man you were made to be. We want to respect women and not participate in anything that continues the immoral and criminal treatment of women.
Above all, I’m always here to talk. If you make a mistake, if something pops up on the computer, if anything happens, I want you to have the courage to talk to me about it. I promise not to get mad or to treat you harshly. Even I need mercy in my own life. The evil of impurity relies on secrecy and lies. This is where the Devil operates. There really are accidents and if something happens, I want to work with you to make sure that it can’t happen again. I want to show you that love conquers all and I want to emulate God’s endless mercy for us.
With all of this, I hope to help you to grow and mature. There will be times when we disagree, but know that I seek to do all things to help you be the man you were made to be. Your mother and I do all of this today because there will be a day when you pack your bags and leave the safety of our home. All of the choices will be yours. When that day comes, I want you to have the confidence you need to keep making good decisions so that you can be prepared to give your whole heart to your beloved or to the Church.
Right now, your wife is somewhere in the world. She is either an amazing young lady or the Church. She deserves a great man to love her. With each day, pray for her. With each day, make decisions that will prepare you to be the best husband you can for her.
You were made for greatness. You were made for true freedom. Be that man.
I love you.
Dad
Make Her A Hero
Words have power. Words have the ability to build someone up or strike someone down. They have the power to reveal someone’s innermost thoughts or heal a past hurt.
As is probably quite normal in many young families, when we had our baby shower for Benedict, we got tons of books. I have two favorites, My Dad is Brilliant and Big, Brave Daddy. I love hearing Alison read those stories to our son for one particular reason, it makes me feel good about who I am as a father.
As I pondered those feelings further, it struck me. I need to be building up Alison in the same way that she builds me up with those books.
I have a lot to be proud of when it comes to Alison. Being a part of her life is a great privilege for me. I love that I’m able to empower her to heal people by staying home and caring for Benedict. She’s a hero in our community and in the lives of her patients.
No one should ever hear an ill word about your wife from you. Honestly, in my estimation, anytime I’ve been mad at Alison, I’m the root cause. You might find yourself in the same situation. So when we don’t speak well of our wives, we’re doing them a disservice. They’re probably not the problem; we are.
Teach your kids that your wife is a superhero. Tell them why. Whether she’s in the boardroom, the classroom, or in your home nurturing your family every day, she’s a superhero. She has sacrificed things in her life for the good of her family. That’s a superhero in my book.
Tell your parents about the amazing things she does. Tell your friends about the great thing she does.
Marriage is about joy. Live like it.
Lead Your Children by Example
The responsibility of parenthood lies not so much in the direct instruction of children, but more so in setting the right example.
A few weeks ago, Alison and I were invited to a backyard concert. It was a bit of a drive away and Alison had to work the next morning, but we went anyway. It was an intimate setting, about 40 people on a clear, beautiful, DC summer night. The concert featured Joe Zambon and Kevin Heider. It was incredible.
There were several reasons why I voted that we should go, despite the challenges. I know that Alison and I need to have relaxing date nights. I know that we need interaction with peers. I know that Benedict needs new experiences. Above all, I considered the evening to have two very good elements. First, there was the 3 hours in the car of conversations. Second, going to a Catholic concert would be an excellent way to enrich our faith.
I know that being Catholic doesn’t mean just 1 hour per week. I know that the daily struggle is real. I know that we need to be constantly growing, and finding new ways to live our faith.
I know all of this, and I want Benedict to know it, too.
Our children learn a large portion of their behaviors and world view based on our example. That means that Benedict is learning things from me right now, even though all he can say is “ba” and “da.” So even though he doesn’t understand the Mass, he knows we go there on a regular basis.
We have things that we value: faith, wellness, family. In order for our children to value those things, we have to show them that they’re important. I think that physical wellness is important, so Benedict and I go for walks every day. I think that a healthy prayer life is important, so we pray as a family. I think that family is important, so we spend quality time together.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be merciful, but I can be merciful to him.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be compassionate, but I can take him volunteering with me.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be faithful, but I can be excited about living out my faith.
No parent is perfect. But every parent is qualified to lead their children well.
Deferring Your Wants
We live in a microwave culture. We want everything, now.
A major burden for new doctors is the size of their medical school debt. Unfortunately, most medical students finance their education with loans, as Alison and I did. While the long term return on investment may be good, eventually, the repayment period is especially heavy. Since Alison and I are in the repayment period now, I’ve started to notice how many wants I really have.
We all have wants. Whether it’s cars, tech, or clothing, there’s always something out there that we’d like to have. The problem is that our wants sometimes don’t line up with our status in life. Alison and I would love to have a home with a nice yard. Right now, that’s just not a possibility. So we’re renting a townhouse. It’s a step up from our apartment, but not quite the dream.
During the times of our lives when we don’t have the luxury of getting some of our wants, we really have to dig in and defer those wants for our current needs. So while I might like a new computer, Alison and I should instead pay down some student loans.
It’s actually the mark of manliness to yield to the needs of your family. It’s the sign of true adulthood when you can defer pleasure. I know that eventually we’ll have enough for a new computer, but that isn’t today.
That’s the lie that your wants will tell you. That if you can’t have it today, you’ll never get it. The ridiculous thing is that when you finally can get that want, it will be way better than today’s version. Everything is always getting better, companies are always launching new products. So while I can’t get the computer I want today, when I finally do upgrade, it will be way better than what I would have gotten today.
In all of this, we have to make sure we don’t become materialistic. It’s ok to want things. It’s not ok to be envious of others who have it, or to let it consume us.
When you’re at a stage in life when you can’t afford wants, it’s the perfect time to be grateful for all of the things you have now. After all, Alison and I may be broke right now, but our version of broke is actually quite comfortable.
You’re the Servant of All
The Pope has many titles. Perhaps most intriguing is “Servant of the Servants of God."
This Papal title is especially perplexing because we tend to think of the Pope as a very powerful man. He’s someone who inspires us and draws us closer to God. He ends conflict and brings peace and harmony into the world. He rubs shoulders with dictators and diplomats. Why would he have such a lowly title?
Answer: he’s the exemplar of servant leadership. He leads, yes, but he doesn’t succumb to power. His humility keeps his authority in check.
As husbands, we should fill a similar role in our homes.
Of course, we’re the head of our household. But that title or position should be more like the Abbot of a monastery than a tyrant. We’re charged with promoting peace, the care of the defenseless, and the protection of the family.
One of the ways we can be the servant of our family is to do tasks that others might not prefer to do. No one likes calling utility companies, but we can. We can lift that burden from our wife. No one wants to kill a spider or pick up a dead mouse. But we can.
By serving our families well, we show our love. We show our respect for members of our family. We practice true servant leadership.
We’re tasked to lead. Will we be tyrants or Abbots?
The Scariest Part of Being A Stay-at-Home Dad
I’m about to embark on a new adventure and I’m both scared and excited at the same time.
At the end of April, I left my job. I’ve started working full time at ChetComm, a company that I started in 2007, spending my time working on both Catholic Husband and developing an iOS app. It also means that when Alison starts her work at the hospital, I’ll be a stay-at-home parent.
We’ve been working for a few weeks on getting Benedict and I’s schedule down. I have a solid plan that allows me to keep the household in order and log 3 hours working on ChetComm projects during his naps. The thing that I’m most scared of is keeping Benedict entertained.
As Benedict keeps growing, he’s becoming more and more interactive. It’s a lot of fun, not only to see him to develop, but to be building a relationship with him. He certainly recognizes Alison and I and he’s now responding to us. I know that over the next 3 years he’s going to make huge leaps and bounds. So how will I keep him meaningfully engaged?
I’m at least thankful that I do have time and his needs will only increase gradually. That’ll give me enough time to plan and adjust.
In the end, I think it comes down to serious time management discipline. I need to balance spending high quality time with Benedict, while being disciplined during his naps to grow my writing skills and my business. I want to help people, I want to help them be better prepared for marriage, and I want to help them live their marriage more fully. I want to help you! That won’t happen if I don’t continue to work every day on Catholic Husband.
I’m excited for our family’s many new adventures, perhaps most of all this one as a full-time Dad and full-time writer. New roles in our lives can be scary, so we need to take them in stride.
Withhold Nothing
We’re called to be selfless in this culture of selfishness.
Last Fall, as Alison and I were preparing for the arrival of Benedict, I spent a few days on a business trip on Mackinac Island. Mackinac is a fabulous summer vacation for Michiganders that’s accessible only by boat or plane. There aren’t any cars allowed (except for a few emergency vehicles) and everything is moved around by horses. It’s an old-timey town with a lot of charm and history.
Alison and I were planning a trip up to Mackinac Island this summer and were considering leaving Benedict with her parents so that we could have some alone time to strengthen our marriage. While walking around on the island last fall, it hit me. Why would I not want to share this with Benedict?
It can be very easy to keep our best for ourselves, but what’s the point? Life and love are experienced at their fullest when we give them all away. Look at Christ’s perfect example. He made all things new by refusing to withhold even His own life from us.
Give away your very best. There’s no reason to be selfish!
From your wife, from your children… withhold nothing!
Your Example at Mass
It happens twice a year. Every Christmas and every Easter, without fail, our parishes are full of strangers. They fill our seats, they park in our spots, and some are even still using the old translation of the Mass.
I’m not a perfect person. I get frustrated on Easter Sunday and Christmas with the influx of people. I’m not mad that they’re at Mass or about where they park or even where they stick. I’m frustrated that their body language screams that they don’t want to be there and it’s incredibly distracting. What really struck me this Easter was the number of fathers whose body language was telling me that they didn’t want to be there. What made a bigger impression was watching their children take cues from this negative body language.
Parents who take their children to Mass occasionally send a mixed message about what’s important. More is caught than taught. It can be confusing to a child, why they’re going to church some Sundays, but not others. An even bigger challenge is how your children see you act at Mass.
This issue isn’t just one for Catholics who come and go. All of us fathers need to watch how we act at Mass. Our body language is telling our kids something. If we’re too casual, our kids won’t understand the gravity and awe of the Mass. If we’re too frigid, we might not communicate the inner joy that we’re experiencing.
The key to our Mass behavior is to be respectful. We want to participate actively in the Mass and we want to show our children that we both believe in what we’re doing and that we want to be there. We want our children to feel comfortable and refreshed at Mass.
Our non-verbal body language will teach our children a lot about our attitudes towards our faith. Let’s make sure they’re getting the right message.
Avoiding Awkward Sex Talks
Does teaching your child about the mystery and gift of their human sexuality really have to be an awkward conversation? The “Birds and the Bees” is the standard parental sex education talk, but is a one-time drive really the best approach? The talk is weird, it’s awkward, and both of you just want to get it over with.
We’re doing it wrong.
Before six months ago, I didn’t know anything about kids. As the youngest of 3 children, I’ve never really been around small kids. So when Alison and I were preparing for the birth of Benedict, I, like most new dads, spent a lot of time thinking about the person that I want Benedict to become and how I can best help him get there. In fact, I still do it daily.
Benedict, as a human person, has many components. I’ll spend a lot of time helping him develop social skills, grow his intellect, and control his emotions. In order to help him develop as a person, I’ll need to help him understand and master his sexuality.
As a parent, it’s my job to shepherd him. If I choose to ignore a dynamic of his personhood because of my own discomfort or insecurity, then I’m doing him a disservice.
But does his sexual education really need to be awkward?
The scary thing for parents is that our kids are learning things much earlier than we think. The innocence of childhood is stolen by media and even inadvertently by other kids. We certainly should be sad that our kids are growing up before they should have to, but it also means that we need to go on the offensive. Our children need to learn Truth from us before they learn a lie from someone else.
Our children need us to teach them about their sexuality. They need to learn from us about the feelings and changes that will happen and are happening in their bodies. They need to learn that only when they master their sexuality can they love fully. They need to learn that their sexuality is something that they need to work with, not against.
I’m calling for the death of “The Talk.” Our sexuality deserves more than one 30 minute conversation on a Saturday afternoon. Sexual education needs to be discussed regularly. It should be personalized for each child, unique to their growth, intellectual capacity, and curiosity.
At a young age, we should teach our children about God’s love for us. Later, we need to talk about how parents share in that Divine Love and how our creative powers bring forth children. When the time comes, we need to talk about how our physical bodies and our minds were made for powerful, creative, self-giving love. Our kids need to know how to master their sexuality so that it’s a harmonious presence in their lives, not a distracting presence riddled with temptation.
Essentially, we should walk them through their sexuality in baby steps, always keeping sexuality in reference to it’s reflection of God’s great love for the world. Be open to questions and give appropriate answers. Always be truthful and as accurate as you can be.
By properly educating our children about the true nature of their sexuality and the role it should play in their lives, we can achieve three goals. First, we can avoid a singular awkward conversation. Second, we can help them to live balanced lives. Lastly, we can change the culture. We can show our children that sex and children are something to be embraced and celebrated, in the appropriate context.