Fatherhood
Blending
We’re back from our annual family ski vacation, and had another successful year. Though more skiing is in our future, a unique aspect of our experience this week was that almost all of us had a ski lesson. In pairs of two, we set off for a few hours with an instructor to work on our skill.
I am still new to the sport, but what struck me was how everyone, no matter how long they’d been cutting across mountains, walked away from their lesson with something new. For me, as I begin to transition to more advanced techniques, our objective was blending.
There are three main skills to parallel skiing, and to be successful, you have to blend them together into a perfect balance. Too much of any one skill, and you could soon find yourself on the ground, collecting your equipment, and starting again. Too little, and as with too much, you don’t end up where you intended to be.
Blending is the quintessential skill of fatherhood. To a child, you must be a mentor, coach, and disciplinarian, all at different points during the day. You train your children in the principles that will guide them in life, encourage and cheer them on as they gain new skills and try new things, and correct errors to prevent them from becoming problems.
Too much, or too little, of any one blend and the results will not be what you intended. It is the art, and effort of a lifetime, for each parent to learn how to blend these skills, and tailor them to each child. It is an unimaginably difficult task, and one that must be done while maintaining work and family obligations. Leading a child is an all-consuming, and all-rewarding, experience.
As with skiing, mistakes will be made and crashes will happen. But we must get down the mountain, and the only way to do so is to get back up, reset set, and push forward.
Nothing to Do
Last weekend, I drove solo with my two oldest children across the country. There was plenty of screen time, but perhaps more surprisingly, there was a healthy dose of just time in the car. I played my soft music, and the two of them sat in the back seat. They read, they talked, and they played.
My children have constantly shifting friendships, but thankfully little conflict. Stuck in the car for two days, their imaginations sparked, and they found endless ways to pass the time. It is so gratifying as a parent to experience this; in the down moments, they fill the void with creative play.
As an at-home dad, I feel the pressure to be my children’s cruise director, curating activities to fill their day. There’s a time and a place for that, but there’s also plenty of benefit to them having nothing to do.
Forgetting to Shift
Life, and parenting, is full of shifts. From infants to teenagers, our children progress at a rapid clip. But it’s easy to find ourselves answering today’s challenges with yesterday’s solutions. Our children are always adapting to their changing worlds, but for adults, we can forget.
I find myself with a house of able bodied children, but I’m still doing the chores that I’ve done since I started staying home. Layer on top of these chores homeschooling and my full time job, and it’s an impossible solution. Time is always pivoting to one of these three areas of responsibility and something gets left behind. Another pivot is then required, depriving some other area of attention. On it goes.
What I need is to not only break my paradigms; I need to destroy them. I need to completely rethinking, from the ground up, our daily routines, division of labor, and calendars. My children need different things today than they did yesterday, and we need to commit ourselves to working not just on our chores, but our relationships.
Life is constantly changing, and if we forget to shift, we end up in the wrong gear. I have a big reminder on the horizon to shift, and perhaps this is your reminder, too.
Dig Deeper
It’s easy to wait for whatever’s next. Let this moment pass by, it’s nothing compared to what’s coming next. Life starts to feel like the Sims, where we check off a few things, kill time until bed, then wake up to do it over again. It’s easy to slip into this mindset because thinking about everything we have to do today, and tomorrow, and the next day, is paralyzing. Sinking into the couch and scrolling is cathartic escapism that soothes us in the now, but robs us blind.
I tend to think of my list in terms of energy. I wake up in the morning with x units of energy; how will I spend them? And when they’re spent, is it gone for the day?
Energy can be used up, in the way that you crash onto the couch at 8:30pm, the house immaculate, the to-do list done, and a good steady ache radiating through my muscles. It can also be stolen. It’s stolen when the first thing I do when I wake up is swipe through my phone. It’s stolen, really, any time I scroll. A rectangular brick in my pocket follows me everywhere I go, trying to lull me to relax when really it just steals my energy.
The funny thing is, when I conserve my energy, the mess piles up. Work, school clutter, all of which can only be conquered through focused, extended work sessions. If I do like I ought, a little each day, the system runs.
Rest is never earned; God rested on the seventh day. But on days 1-6, He dug deeper and got it all done.
Contagious
Late last week, my neighbor across the street was out attempting to finish mowing his lawn. It was hot, he was no doubt tired and just wanting to be done. As he worked on edging the front sidewalk, his toddler waddled over, pacifier in mouth, and gleefully observed his dad at work.
Children hit growth milestones without any fanfare. It’s only in hindsight that we realize, sometimes months later, that a previous behavior associated with infants, has been cast off for more mature behavior. My children do occasionally gleefully observe me in my element, but not with the same toddler-like sense of awe.
Children are inherently joyful, and their ability to be present in the moment and appreciate it for what it is is one of their greatest assets. Their happiness is contagious. Adults deal with serious and weighty things, but when you adapt the worldview of a child, the simple pleasures of live become visible once again.
Magnet
Summer continues, and my children still blissfully spend their days with ended self-directed activity. Audiobooks, creative play, play-dough, they have not a care in the world. For me, my work continues.
There’s a certain magnetism in children that I find amusing. When I’m at my desk, the children congregate. When I go down to the kitchen to get a drink of water, one discovers me, and the rest follow. No matter where I go, they curiously pursue me.
Sometimes they have an ask, something that they want. Other times, they literally follow me to the other room with their activity and establish a new base of operations.
In the times when I’m trying to find peace or get deep work done, it’s less than convenient. At most other times, it’s an endearing quirk of the human experience.
Summer Break
Summer, like all seasons, is racing past. When it seems like just yesterday school’s shut their doors, we’re now past the 4th of July and the new school year is coming in view. Three of my children are away and this week it’s just me and my youngest.
Veronica stepped into her new life as an only child with gusto and joy. Finally, she’s free to soak up the full attention of both parents, and to loiter endlessly at my desk throughout the day as I attempt to work.
I knew this was coming, but I didn’t anticipate how much her interactions with her siblings stimulate her throughout the day. Now, during work hours, she has only me to interact with. There’s plenty of self-directed play as she finds a single item and retreats to some corner of the house to play using her imagination.
I’ve reworked my schedule, allowing for less work during non-nap hours. It’s another great, periodic reminder of what it means to be a parent. There’s the providing and the protecting, but there is also the play. Children are a great gift, eager to experience life and far from jaded. It’s a vision of the world that God intended, and the one that is to come.
Custom Parenting
Last year, when we got a dog, I thought that life would be simple. Dogs, unlike cats, are thought to be loyal and obedient. When a family needed them to do something, they would do it in a no drama way. I was wrong. Our dog, a creature all her own, has an agenda all her own. Usually, she goes with the flow, but there are plenty of occasions each week on which she doesn’t want to get with the program.
Parenting is not just about forming functioning, happy adults. Parenting is about mentorship. Each child is their own unique person, who requires an individualized approach. This can be challenging for a parent who needs to organize the group all at once, but cannot deliver the same instruction in the same way to every child.
Things that are challenging to do bring the greatest satisfaction. If you’re naturally good at golf, it’ll require a very challenging course or an exceptionally challenging championship to derive an above-average level of satisfaction from a round of golf. The effort, though, is never wasted because satisfaction is what we innately crave.
Many young adults today shun parenting and its many burdens and challenges. Indeed, parenting is the hardest commitment that any of us can make, on par with marriage. It’s a life-long commitment, to will the good of the other, to build an authentic relationship, and to give them your full heart and attention.
Developing four sets of strategies and tools for parenting my four children is hard on an easy day, and Mt. Everest on my worst days. But every bit of time, attention, care, and love that I pour into them will pay dividends long after I’m gone. Every child is unique, and they deserve parents who love and respect them enough to parent in the way that they’ll be most ready to receive.
At Your Altar
Parenting is a regimented and structured adventure, with known milestones sprinkled throughout the growth and development of your children. Although I know these milestones, and can see them coming, they always seem to catch me by surprise.
Over the weekend, Benedict and Felicity both participated liturgically in the Mass. For Benedict, it was his first time serving at the Altar. It had been two months since his training, and I started to sweat a little as I saw him process in with one of the candles, but he did an outstanding job. He was focused, still, and showing signs of spiritual maturity. Being around the other servers gave him permission to elevate his participation. It was also great to see the more experienced servers guide and mentor him.
Felicity, after months of weekly choir practice, sang with her choir-mates at a different Mass. They sang at Christmas, so this wasn’t her first time, but right from the front row, with only her curly haired head peaking over the front pew, she sang the parts of the Mass.
Benedict and Felicity have attended Mass weekly and, to varying degrees, participated. But there’s nothing like serving at the Altar and seeing the liturgy up-close, physically participating, to make it all possible. Together, in their ways, using their gifts and talents, they served at the Altar, elevating the solemnity of the Mass.
More Important Things
Friday was a good day. Although it started straightforward enough, my plans were busier than usual. Not only did we have schoolwork to accomplish and work to do, it was also laundry day and I wanted to vote early.
After breakfast, the kids sorted laundry while I prepared for a teleconference. With that call over, we loaded up in the car, got coffee, and drove to the library to vote. We had plenty of work to be done back at the house, but I asked Benedict to take a few extra minutes to show me the robotics lab that he always raved about.
Arriving back at the house, it was nearly 10:30am. Still plenty of time left to get good work done before lunch, but we were having mild weather, so instead I sent the four kids into the backyard for recess while I worked at my desk.
At noon, the first load of laundry was done, so I made lunch and folded clothes while they ate. Usually after lunch comes more work and nap time, but instead we went for a 20-minute walk around the trails in our neighborhood.
Back at the house, it was 1:30pm, the littlest went down for her nap, school assignments were handed out, and I logged back into my computer. We worked for almost three hours before family reading time, a quiet cap to our busy day. With that done, I sent the children downstairs to watch their new Rocky and Bullwinkle DVD while I finished my work for the afternoon.
After dinner, the sun still hadn’t set, so we walked to the playground for a few more minutes of play, another lap on the trails and back to the house for bedtime.
Every day is not like this. Our school assignments and my workload ebbs and flows, but Friday was a good reminder for me that there are more important things. My children need to complete their school assignments, but they don’t have to do them between set hours or certain days. School is essential; so is being outside, imaginative play, and family exercise.
Every day won’t be like last Friday, but perhaps more should be.