Family Life
Tiny Saints
A few months ago, I was given a “Tiny Saint” for a gift. Tiny Saints is a relatively new business that sells small rubber keychains of different saints. They’re well made and the designs are very cute. I ordered a few more and put them on my keychain, one for each member of my family.
I love the tiny saint name, because it reminds me of my first job. My innocent, sweet little children are all tiny saints, and they need my help to navigate the world, and learn how to live out their faith. It’s a tall order, and one that I certainly feel inadequate to achieve.
I’ve spent much of this year thinking about how to better integrate the daily life of the Church into my family’s life. Inadequate as I may feel, the grace that I need to be successful is at the ready, and I have a great partner in Alison.
Faith is about more than just a few prayers before meals and bed, it’s a lens through which the whole day should be filtered. There are signs of our shared faith in our home, we do pray, and we make it to Mass every week. But I can do more. I can arrange our schedule so that we can make it to daily Mass once or twice per week. But, there needs to be more.
I don’t consider myself to be a very good teacher, but I need to teach my kids about their faith. So I picked up a copy of a children’s catechism for Alison and I to use. It’s structured like the Baltimore Catechism, and a few nights a week, we go through the questions. I’m amazed and inspired at how eager the kids are to learn. They’re engaged in a way that I don’t see very often, and while they may not always show it, they are picking up this knowledge.
Passing on the Catholic faith is one of the biggest challenges that any parent faces. Regardless of the challenge, we must have the courage to take it on and move beyond our own inadequacies. Our tiny saints deserve it.
Themes
This is a big year for me. My son is starting school in the fall, my middle child is coming into her own, and my baby is getting ready to stand up on two feet and never stop moving. The lifestyle that we’ve developed, that of loose structure, is about to take on a whole new level of complication.
When we started the new year, I thought about what I could do to unify our vision for the year ahead. What principles could we embrace that would help guide us through this transition period and inform our next actions? I settled on “Adventure Awaits” and “Everybody Helps.”
It’s easy to fall into ruts. In the summer months when days are hot or on cold winter afternoons, it’s easier for me to keep everyone in the house than strike out into the world. Even on nice days, the thought of loading three kids into car seats is enough to keep me inside. But there are plenty of adventures out there waiting for us. I’ve scheduled time for us to go to the park each day, and we’re doing a good job of exploring new ones. To the kids, it’s a whole new adventure, and I have to remind myself of that.
I prefer a tidy house, but keeping it that way is a challenge. Kids grow and develop so fast that they often are capable of much more than I think. Obviously the toy situation is the big problem, and to my surprise, they’re fully able to work together to get the playroom completely cleaned up and toys put away. The closet may be stuffed, but hey, if the door closes I can’t see them, that’s good enough for me.
I enjoy having these themes, because they benefit us all. I’m reminded to keep us on the go and to trust the kids with more responsibilities around the house, and they’re challenged to do new things, almost daily. An added benefit, our average daily screen time is below 60 minutes. Win-win.
Praying as a Family
When we pray in a group, we’re vulnerable. Even if it’s just our family surrounding us, it’s easy to feel uncomfortable. That’s because prayer comes from the most intimate part of our being. Our hopes and fears are laid bare when we bring them to God in prayer.
I think that feeling of vulnerability is why we don’t pray as a family more often. There’s no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed, but it is a difficult thing to do. At the same time, when it comes to passing on our faith to our children, praying as a family is the most important part of our daily ritual. In praying together, both formally and from the heart, we are teaching them to pray.
Family prayer time should be a nonnegotiable, happening every single day regardless of the circumstances or how far past bedtime you are. The family is the most basic community within the Church, and if the Church is going to be healthy and carry out Her saving mission, we have to make sure that the family is healthy.
Take courage, find a time that will work (probably just before you tuck your little ones into bed), and pray as a family, every single day.
Thankful
Thanksgiving is a great American holiday. The virtue of gratitude is baked into our national DNA. There’s something really beautiful and attractive about generosity, and the way in which those Native Americans helped the first settlers is a profound statement on the innate goodness of the human person.
While my larger family typically gathers in a sleepy beach town this time of year, we won’t be able to join them this year. Being so far away from family means that this will be the first major Thanksgiving that we celebrate together, our little family unit.
In many ways I am sad to miss the annual gathering, but in the same vein, I’m excited to be starting our own traditions. Alison and I have spent weeks planning our menu and even spending some time in the kitchen doing practice baking runs.
While the Thanksgiving feast is central to the day, what underpins the holiday is an opportunity to reflect. Pausing our lives for just a moment, what are the things, blessings, and people that we ought to truly appreciate for the gifts that they are?
It’s difficult for me as a young father to comprehend that I have a family of my own. Even referring to myself as a father seems strange as I type out that word on my keyboard. I seem too young to be trusted with the responsibility of shepherding not one, but three young lives. My marriage has been a blessing, and those three little ones are a testament to that fact.
I have so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Perhaps I can do a better job in the coming year pausing to appreciate those blessings on a more regular basis.
Economics of Staying Home
There’s nothing wrong about a family in which both parents work outside of the home. Each family’s situation is different, and the choice about whether to have one parent stay at home with the children is a personal, family decision that should be made after considering all factors. While it’s true that a single income family may have lower wages flowing into their joint accounts each month, that doesn’t make them less economically efficient.
A parent who takes full-time responsibility for the care of the children shouldn’t be considered a “non-contributor” simply because there’s no biweekly direct deposit. Indeed, as I will outline below, this parent contributes a vast range of personalized services that few families could ever hope to afford. Trying to equate the contributions of this parent to potential wages misses the point.
Among my many responsibilities, it can be easy to forget that I have one primary role, and that is to take care of the kids. Beyond that, I’m an administrative assistant, personal shopper, private chef, chauffeur, tutor, car detailer, housekeeper, and groundskeeper.
It’s a full plate that keeps me moving from when I wake up until I go to sleep. With few exceptions, my goal is to free up Alison to be focused on work when she’s at work, and focused on the kids while she’s at home.
As with any job, there are very real challenges. There are some days that I don’t want to work, and others when my coworkers (kids) annoy me. The truth of the matter, is I’ve never worked harder in my life, and I doubt that, when this season of life is over, I will ever work this hard again.
Integrity in Productivity
My days are pretty full; that’s by design. I have my primary job, which is taking care of the kids. Layered on top of that job is my responsibility for maintaining our home, which includes getting supplies, indoor cleaning, and outdoor maintenance. I then layer on my own priorities, which include taking care of my health and writing. When I lay each of these pieces out on my schedule, my calendar groans a little bit.
I enjoyed having Alison home on maternity leave. The kids liked seeing a lot more of her, and we were able to spend quality time together. I used that time to work on some big projects. Knowing that she was home and able to watch the kids freed up a little bit of additional time each day.
With Lucy’s arrival this spring, I set out to get caught up on things that I was chronically behind in. I knew that with a baby in the house, and three kids total, I would have even less time to work on my writing once Alison was back to work. So, I set an aggressive editorial schedule to put me about two months ahead on my publishing. I also knew that when Alison went back to work, she’d be very tired and asking her to edit and review blog posts could be difficult.
The other project that I worked on was tinkering with my productivity. I had purchased a few courses a while back, but hadn’t found the time to sit down and go through them. I learned more about my writing system, and took a very deep dive into my task management program.
The best thing that I learned in doing all of this work was the importance of personal integrity. If I commit to waking up early, and getting my work done before the sun rises, I was mentally free during the day to goof off with the kids. I didn’t feel anxious or feel like I was wasting time. There’s a defined time for work and a defined time for play.
It’s easy to see schedules as restricting, but I now understand how helpful they can be. It doesn’t make getting out of bed in the morning any easier, but it does give me the vision that helps me get to work, knowing I can then play with my kids without distraction.
Set the Bar Low
I’m not one to advocate for low bars. I’ve been told that I am particularly hard on people, which, upon reflection, is regrettably true. Setting ambitious expectations can be a net positive, but when it comes to my job, it can be demoralizing.
I don’t thrive on a variable schedule, and so the shifting sands of sleep and nap schedules really throws me off of my game. With all of the things that I want to do, in addition to taking care of my kids, I get frustrated when I don’t see forward progress.
I used to try to cram as much as I could into my schedule, but I realized that was a mistake. With each additional child, and every growth leap that they experience, the time that I have to accomplish what I want to work on is further squeezed. My solution is to set the bar low.
I now just have one thing that I want to work on, and I never make it longer than 30 minutes. If it’s a bigger project, I break it into 30 minute pieces.
By setting the bar low, I can still feel that forward progress and I know that I’m not neglecting my more important priorities.
Gardener
We’re lucky in the summer to have several large oak trees around our house. They give us glorious shade and a respite from the intense afternoon sun. This was our first Fall in this house, and I didn’t realize just how many acorns these giants drop. I now have a sizable oak grove in my front yard.
Getting my lawn back in order for spring was no small task. There were sticks to pick up, leaves to rake, weeds to pull, flowers to plant, and mulch to put down. Thankfully my mom was in town and we spent over five hours just bringing everything back into shape.
Our garden was particularly messy. Amongst the weeds that had cropped up were vulnerable seedlings that had been replanted by the various bushes and perennials in the garden bed. My mom worked meticulously to pull out the weeds and care for the seedlings.
The other day I was sitting in the playroom with my children and I looked out at the beauty and order we had restored, and realized that I was charged with the same thing as a parent. The characteristics that make an excellent gardener are the same ones that make a great parent.
Each day we have to help our children grow and keep them safe. We have to diligently watch them, prepare their meals, and help them to explore their world. All along the way, we have to pull out the weeds of bad habits and encourage good ones. We must be patient throughout the growing process, because it is a long one.
Gardeners have varying degrees of skill, experience, training, and background. Even a new gardener can grow a beautiful garden if they give it enough attention and care. The same is true for parents. Whether you have one child or ten, with patience, care, and attention, you can be successful.
Controlling Kids in Church
Taking kids to Church is hard. There’s getting everyone fed, cleaned, dressed, and out the door on time. Then, of course, there’s the issue of noise. Kids aren’t very self-aware, and if yours are like mine, they enjoy the echo of their own voice in Church.
Parents need to do their part to keep their kids under control at Mass. Having a bag of quiet toys, sitting near the front, and intervening in sibling disputes before they get out of hand are great ways to be proactive. There are even times when a child needs to be taken to the narthex for a few minutes to calm down or stretch their legs.
To be sure, there is a problem with children making noise while in Church, but it has little to do with the children themselves. The actual problem is how we respond.
The way I see it, the sounds of children at Mass is the voice of a young and growing Church. My daughter, Felicity, loves to call out to Fr. Gus. She’ll stand up on the pew and say, “Hi Gus!” repeatedly until he greets her back. It’s actually rather cute and we make sure that she has a chance to say hello before the Mass begins. But, if during Mass, she loudly asks me, “Where’s Gus?” I don’t shush her. I get her to where she can see him, and then all is well.
Felicity also has a tendency to sing loudly, but only after the song has ended. How wrong did it feel for me to tell her to quiet down as she loudly proclaimed, “Alleluia?” Very. So I let her go for a moment or two, and when she didn’t stop, we went to the back.
Occasionally I’ll take Benedict and Felicity to daily Mass. We sit in the front pew, but that’s not always a foolproof plan. I can feel the cold sweat building up as they make noise and the lector is quickly drowned out. But I know, this is where they need to be. I do my best, and that is enough.
If we keep our kids away from Church when they’re young, how can we expect to tell them that it’s important when they’re older? Parents, do your best, and recognize that there’s a limit. Parishioners, give the kids (and their parents!) a smile and a wave, and be joyful that the Church will continue for many decades to come. Who knows, you may be creating a welcoming environment for the priest who will baptize your first great-grandchild.
Momentum
A 10-day stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) will drain you. Lucy’s stay was a bit unexpected, and very frustrating. I think any parent of a newborn shares these emotions.
I tried to be at her bedside as much as I could. That meant leaving my other two kids at home with their grandmother and existing at the crossroads of boredom and exhaustion.
Now that Lucy is finally home, I have another big transition to make. Momentum plays an outsized role in routine. The more momentum you can have on your side when you’re doing the things that lead to health and satisfaction, the better off you are. My first day waking up at 5:00am to hit the gym is brutal. Day 14 in a row is much easier to handle.
Whether its a relationship, a career, a chore, or a habit, the hardest choice we have to make is whether or not to get back on the horse. When you bravely choose to get on, expect challenges. Expect resistance. You should also expect positive results.