Family Life
You Marry the Family
My grandfather once told my mother that, when you marry someone, you marry their family.
In our society, we are very rooted in our families. We spend holidays with each other. With the continued advance of technology, we are able to stay more closely connected.
Family is the basic unit of society. Your spouse’s family is the single greatest influence in her life, for better or worse. Your family is the single greatest influence in your own life. We learn almost everything from our parents, including world views.
When you are seriously considering marrying someone, you need to be wise enough to look just beyond them. What are their friends like? What are their siblings like? How involved in their life are their parents? How do they interact with each other?
I know, as I’m sure you do, that there are exceptions to every rule, including this one. I’ve known a sane child living in a crazy family. But with our life expectancy going up, you will be around these people, and taking care of them, for a long time. In fact, it is not uncommon anymore for parents and their children to both be retired at the same time.
The bottom line is this; whenever you’re going to make a major life change, you need to do your homework. Communicate with your potential spouse the boundaries that you will have in place for each other’s parents and stick to them.
Going to Mass Together
Going to Mass as a family is important.
As a married couple, together you form a domestic Church. The center of your family’s life is the Eucharist. The Church asks us to attend Mass every weekend not for Her benefit, but for our own.
I once heard it said that we put more faith in Tylenol than we do in the Eucharist. As the priest explained, when we take Tylenol, we expect something to happen. When we receive the Eucharist, we almost act as if nothing at all has happened.
But something did happen. Something amazing happened. You became a living Tabernacle. You received Christ into you, Body, Soul, Blood, and Divinity. You then carried Him out into the world.
There are graces that come with the Eucharist, too. Venial sins are forgiven. Our Lord preserves us from mortal sins through the Eucharist. (CCC 1416) Beyond that, our marriage is strengthened.
When we approach our Lord in the Mass, we should always approach Him with our spouse, whenever possible, and with our family. We need those graces to be the best man we can be.
Make sure that Mass is the pinnacle of your week and that you share it with your spouse.
Spring Cleaning
Some people don’t like spring cleaning. The thought of spending your entire weekend working is not very appealing.
What if you saw it in a different light? What if you saw it as the perfect opportunity for you and your wife to spend quality time together.
My wife and I had two reasons for spring cleaning this year. First, we got a garage at our apartment and so we were able to move a lot of stuff out of our apartment and into our garage. Second, we needed to make room for our baby.
I got back into town (I was away for a week on business) and we got right to work on Saturday morning. We moved this, packed that, pitched this and reorganized that. It was exhausting, but it equated to so many hours of quality time together.
It wasn’t us in front of the TV, or us both on our computers in the same room. It was us working together, communicating, interacting with each other. What a bonding experience!
There are many things in our lives that are like spring cleaning. We see them for their negative attributes instead of seeing them as opportunities. A day working in the yard, going grocery shopping, cleaning up your home; these are all opportunities for you to spend time alone with your wife.
You aren’t quiet during these times! You may have music on, but you talk and learn about each other. You show your love through tiny acts of service like getting her a drink of water or her handing you a tool. You connect. You are working together to make your home a better place to live.
Stop seeing work as a negative. Find a way to work with your wife on a project and enjoy the common good.
Toilet Paper
The other night, as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that we were almost out of toilet paper in our bathroom.
Typically there are four rolls in the Master Bath. There is one on the hook plus three in reserves. It was late and I knew my pregnant wife would be up several times throughout the night to go to the bathroom.
She was all tucked into bed and I was finishing brushing my teeth. I had a decision to make.
She was the last one to use it, so technically it was up to her to replenish our supply. But, she was already in bed, gently drifting off to sleep. I could just as easily walk into the other room to grab a few more rolls.
This crossroads was like many others we face in our marriage. The opportunity to serve our wives, or the chance to have justice.
A feeling of justice is short lived, the consequences of service are lasting.
I hope you choose to serve and to love.
Bringing Roadtrips Home
I love taking road trips with my wife.
The reason?
It provides hours of quality communication. It is just the two of us. The really cool thing about many of the road trips that we’ve been on is that it has become dream time.
Why are road trips the ideal incubator for conversation? There are no distractions. There is no television, no computer. Certainly there are iPads and iPhones, but the car has a natural way of making it less appealing to do heavy reading while in motion.
I think the environment of a car trip is something that we need to replicate in our homes. It is almost too difficult to have a great conversation when a television is in the room, even if it is turned off.
You need to actively work towards a “conversation zone” where you can focus just on each other. These talks are refreshing and they meet a deep need to be heard and understood.
What’s the Least I Can Do?
American Catholicism is having a rough go. The funny part about it is, none of it has anything to do with Church teaching.
The Church, thankfully, is curiously consistent. I say curious because I can think of no other organization that is as consistent as the Church. I do not have to worry about waking up tomorrow or on my 90th birthday to the headline, “Church encourages birth control” or “Pope: ‘Abortion is a private matter, not any of the Church’s business.’” The Church is who She is and She doesn’t need to change for any one, any thing, or any agenda.
Yet, with this mysteriously transparent Institution, we still race to the bottom. The problem with American Catholicism is very simple. It all points back to one simple question, “What is the least amount of effort that I can put in and still make it to Purgatory?”
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
It is an attitude that we don’t limit to our faith. We do it with our education too. “What is the lowest score I can get on the exam and still pass the class?” And our work. “What is the least amount of work I can do and not get fired?”
People, Men, we are in the fight of our life! Our eternal salvation is on the line every day. Eternal, forever. As in, there’s nothing after that. That’s it. It’s even longer than that awkward moment when you run into your ex-girlfriend in the cafeteria with her new boyfriend. Eternal… that’s a long time.
And really, when you consider it, you’re cheating yourself by asking questions like that. You ignore life as a blessing and opportunity and treat it like a chore.
You show up late to Mass, in blue jeans, chewing gum. You tweet during the homily or read the bulletin. You go to Communion without considering the state of your soul, and then don’t bother returning to your seat. Your pew mates start to worry that the rapture just happened and they missed out.
The goal of our faith life, the bedrock of our family life, should not be to get a D-. It shouldn’t focus on just passing. We should strive to excel!
We are not compartmental beings. We cannot, no matter how much we tell ourselves, keep different aspects of our lives separate. If you’re a lazy employee, you’re going to be a lousy spouse. If you try to live your Catholic faith on the bare minimums, thats the same effort you’re going to put into our marriage.
You’re better that than. We’re better than that.
Boys aim to pass. Men aim to excel.
It’s Not Just About You Anymore
A few months before I got married, I joined a gym. Everyone asked the question, “Are you trying to look good in your wedding pictures?” It is a scene from any number of romantic comedies. Guy gets engaged and suddenly hits the gym. Are we really that shallow?
I don’t think we are. I think that, for guys, it is about something much deeper. I think it comes with the realization that people depend on us now, and we need to be prepared for the long haul. We’ve got this one body, and this one chance to maintain the Temple of our Bodies. If we don’t eat right and exercise, it costs our family money. In the long run, maybe even years of life.
All men have three basic desires: to have a job, to have a family, and to have a home. Those desires are almost universal. They are also not easy. Once you have a job, you have to keep it. Once you have a family, you have to tend the relationships. Once you have a home, you have to maintain it. If those were the only three jobs we had as Catholic husbands, that would be plenty to keep us busy.
While accomplishing those three tasks, (which are not easy, by the way) we then must defend our family from external threats. We must protect our wives from those lesser people who would prey on them. We must defend our children from predators and from those in our society who would not teach them truth. In order to do this, we have to give ourselves the best possible shape. We must be in the best possible shape.
Getting in shape doesn’t mean being ripped like Mr. Universe. In fact, even 180 minutes of exercise (30 minutes a day, six days a week) can cause your energy levels to spike to levels you thought previously impossible. When I started exercising, I was able to accomplish tasks I never thought I’d ever be able to do. Your body rewards you for treating it well.
When it comes to exercise, and prayer for that matter, both require discipline. Taking that first step can be the most challenging. Come back tomorrow when I explain that these two activities are not luxuries, they’re essential!
To close with the wit and humor of Pope John XXIII, “They say that the body is a temple. Mine is a Major Basilica!”
I Owe it to Myself
We cut ourselves a lot of slack. Many times, too much. We work hard and then use that as an excuse to be lazy. We come home, and expect our spouse to do all of the household chores. “I owe it to myself to take it easy tonight.”
There is a critical problem with this mentality. Your spouse probably worked just as hard. Maybe they have a job. Maybe their job is to maintain the household. Just because you drove to work doesn’t mean that your work was more important.
There is a second fatal flaw. When you got married, you gave up “I.” Not in a bad way. You adopted a new identity in the Sacrament. “Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” (Mat 19:6) You both have responsibility for the maintenance of the household.
This mentality becomes even more dangerous when it finds its way into your financial life. You can literally ruin your financial future by following this mantra. “I work hard, so I deserve a nice car.” “I did really well this year, so I owe it to myself to get this 60” TV.” The problems go deeper when you leave your spouse out of the decision process.
You do work hard. You do provide for your family. You have every right to thank God for honest work and a just wage. We just need to rediscover the principle of contentment.
What we don’t realize is that when we get home from work, we are presented with numerous opportunities to love our wives. We can get changed and help with dinner. We can finish dinner and do the dishes. We can finish dinner and then help with laundry or cleaning. Each impasse presents us two choices. We can serve ourselves or we can serve our wife.
It is difficult in the moment to see the opportunities to love. They’re hard to see because they look like work. It is better to prepare yourself. Before walking up to the door, envision the opportunities that are about to present themselves. Then, when you go inside, you will see requests for what they are: opportunities to love.
It will take some time. It won’t be easy. You will be tired or mad. Remember, when you get home, leave work at work. You have precious few hours to spend with your spouse during the week. Dedicate those hours to her and let nothing steal your attention. Love her well.