Family Life
The Importance of Growing Intellectually
When we’re learning to drive, our instructors teach us how to pass the test, not how to drive well. There are many things that are like that in our world. In school, we’re taught to pass the test, not master the materials. So when we finish our education, we’ve learned a set of facts, not how to pursue lifelong learning.
I’m as guilty as anyone of not reading assigned course materials. When you’re in school, everything else seems so much more fun. It’s usually fun for the moment, but I now regret not taking the time to immerse myself in the joy of studying. For the first year or two after graduating from college, I didn’t crack a book. Then, one day, I just started reading. I found myself much more satisfied after an hour of reading than after an hour of watching TV or surfing the internet. There’s a sense of joy in learning something new and it underscores how we can let life pass us by if we’re not lifelong learners.
Once you finish your formal education, how you grow as a person is based totally on your choices. If you don’t learn a new skill or read books that bring value and new ideas to your life, you will not progress further in your intellectual maturity. Essentially, you could find yourself a decade later no better of a person than when you graduated. Ouch.
School is the beginning of learning. You gain basic facts and ideas, and then you are supposed to take them and branch out. You figure out which subjects interest you and then you can pull that thread and see what you find out. Your intellectual growth isn’t just about you. It’s also about your wife. I want to be the best possible man I can be for Alison, and that involves finding ways to continue to grow.
There are plenty of ways to grow your mind, but if you’re not sure where to start, here are a few primers.
• Read. We are so incredibly lucky to live in a world where you can find a book on almost any subject. Even better, you don’t have to pay for them. The library is an amazing place if you take the time to stop by from time-to-time. I’d even encourage you to spend time reading daily. You get to choose the book or subject! There is no “required reading” list. Try not to spend too much time in reading that doesn’t bring value to your life. For example, reading nothing but fantasy books isn’t necessarily going to help you grow. Reading a book on gardening, cooking, productivity, business, or history will.
• Learn a new skill. Hopefully you have a list somewhere of things you want to learn to do. It could be learning to write mobile apps (one of mine!), how to play the piano, or a new language. The great thing about learning new skills is that they make you more valuable. You can take that skill and potentially increase your income. Even better, learning new skills are fairly inexpensive these days. You can always find a tutor or some other resource that will help you get where you need to be. Not bad!
• Pursue your interests. Experiencing new cultures or traveling is a great way to grow intellectually. Don’t travel to a beach and just park there for a week. Get out into the community and find out what makes that particular destination special. What is its history? Do they have museums or theaters? Every city has something to offer… find it!
Growing intellectually doesn’t have to be a drag. In fact, it can be incredibly fulfilling! Time is always ticking away… how will you invest yours?
Evening Routines
The end of today tees up the beginning of tomorrow. The things that you do in the evening can have a direct effect on how well tomorrow goes. The key to this whole system is a solid evening routine.
I’m a very process-driven person. I keep a running to do list, I keep my eye on the big picture, and I love to automate systems. if there is a way I can turn a project into a system, I’ll do it. One of the things that I’ve found is that if I establish a routine, I can guarantee a high success rate on my daily task list. It’s because I take the time to budget my time that I keep myself from wasting too much of it.
I’ve found a solid evening routine to be my best weapon in starting tomorrow off on the right foot.
Evening routines (or rituals) can be very helpful, not just on a practical level.
• It can give you a more natural, restful, and refreshing sleep. Your brain is one smart computer. It notices trends and tries to adapt to better meet your needs. If you do the same series of events each evening, your brain will learn that those tasks are sleep cues and will eventually start to put itself to sleep.
• It sets up tomorrow for a great start. You can plan things into your evening routine that will help your lazy morning self. If you wake up early to exercise, by laying out your exercise clothes, you can rob sleepy you of an excuse. You could also get the coffee ready or lay out your suit. The fewer decisions you have to make in the morning, the more productive your day will be.
• It closes out today with finality. Today is over at midnight. An evening routine can help you do the things you need to close out the day with. It could be cleaning the kitchen, refilling your water pitcher, or shutting down your computer.
My routine changes about once a season. It’s not usually a major change, just enough to meet the activities of the season. Yours will be different, but this might be a nice primer.
I start at 9:00pm. I want to be in bed by 10:10pm so I can wake up at 4:50am for my daily exercise. So, when the clock strikes 9, I do these things:
• Oral hygiene. I brush and floss my teeth. Simple.
• Prayer time. I made it a goal in 2014 to be more structured in my prayer. Each Quarter, I change the prayer activity in this time slot. Right now I’m reading a chapter in the Bible. I started with Sirach.
• Turn down bed. It’s very refreshing in hotel’s when you come in late and the bed is ready for you. I clear the top of the bed and turn down the comforter.
• Choose outfits for tomorrow. I have roughly four outfits I wear in a given day. My pajamas, my workout clothes, clothes that I wear during the day around the house, and work clothes. I lay them out in strategic places so they are where they need to be when I need them.
• Buffer time. At this point, It’s usually about 9:30pm. I spend the last half hour on whatever Alison needs. It may be hanging out, reading, holding/feeding Benedict, or just chatting. This is margin time for her.
At 10:00pm, we’re giving Benedict his evening snack and then it’s off to bed.
Your evening routine may be completely different. No matter what activities you do, you should ask yourself this simple question: what things do I need to do tonight that will set me up for success tomorrow?
Better Each Day
My favorite boss had a saying that has stuck with me. “It’s never too late to do the right thing.” As men, we struggle. We have mistakes that we make every day. Yet, each new day gives us the chance to do things right again.
If you’re like me, you have some chores around your house that you avoid. It’s not that I don’t want to do them, it’s that I don’t know how. For example, I cannot fold Alison’s shirts to save my life, or even iron my own shirts. In those cases, I usually let Alison take the lead. But should I let that weakness hang around for the next 60 years? Or should I learn and get better?
It’s critical for us to learn something new each day. We know what our weaknesses are, so why don’t we work on them? There’s several reasons to be better each day.
• We can better serve our wife. Going back to the laundry example, I can better serve Alison if I finally take the time to learn how she likes her shirts folded. If there is a chore that I can take off of her plate, I can be a better husband to her.
• We don’t have to make yesterday’s mistakes again. Mistakes are wasted if we don’t learn their lessons. One of the lies of sin is that you’ll never get it right. No matter how hard you try, you’ll just fall back into the same habit. But that’s just it. It’s a lie. We have the ability to choose to not make the same mistakes over and over. But it’s a choice.
• We can refine our skills. Chores aren’t so bad if we know what we’re doing. If we can take the stress of ignorance out of the situation, we can let it be a labor of love. Who wouldn’t want that?
If we go to bed the same man that we woke up as, then shame on us. Always keep pushing, keep seizing the day!
Grocery Shopping
Our appetite for adventure in life is constantly growing. Once we achieve a new height, we look for the next challenge. It’s natural to seek this progression, but it can cause us to miss some wonderful life experiences. We end up focusing on weeks and months while missing days and minutes. One of those things that can be a joy that is often overlooked is grocery shopping.
When I was living on my own after college, my grocery shopping plan was very simple. I’d wake up early on Saturday morning and I’d be at the store by 7:30am. I’d be in and out quick because there was no one there. My menu was much more bland then. I’d just focus on the things on my list and nothing else. I’ve found that shopping with Alison is a much broader experience. We aren’t there just to grab the things on our list, we’re there to explore.
Shopping for groceries seems to be mundane. It’s something that we must do once a week or more. It feels like a chore because perhaps it used to be one. It’s not going out and spending your hard earned money to purchase toys, it’s something we have to do. Perhaps the worst part is actually getting them home. We have to take all of those bags inside and then put everything away. What a drag!
Grocery shopping doesn’t have to be something you dread. When you pull back the curtain, you might actually find some benefits of this ritual.
• Grocery shopping is an opportunity for awesome quality time. When you go shopping with your wife, you get to spend a significant period of time together in a new setting. Sure, you have time together to talk at home. Shopping is a new environment. Your conversations are different. It’s almost a new experience. Alison and I so enjoy shopping together that if one of us is working on the weekend and the other has to go alone, it’s a disappointment.
• Spending money together is fun. Spending money is fun. After working hard and toiling in the fields, to be able to take that money and buy goods and services feels good. Now add your wife into the mix and it gets even better. This is truly harvesting the fruits of your labors.
• Seeing new ingredients opens up new menu options. When I was a single man, my menu was bland. I under budgeted for food and was eating $1.00 frozen dinners. Yuck. Now that I’ve got Alison, the menu is much more fun. As we shop together, we find new ingredients that inspire creativity. Maybe one week we’ll pick up some extra produce or see something for the next week. If I was doing my tactical grocery shopping, I’d only have eyes for things on my list. Now we’re expanding the scope of our trip to look into the possibilities for the future.
Life is short. Life is busy. Don’t pass on any opportunities to spend time with your wife.
Dinner at the Table
Managing family life is a challenge. With family members running in all different directions, getting everyone together can require some real effort. A great time to get everyone together is around the dinner table.
Growing up, my family would always eat dinner together. Since my dad was in the military, that usually meant that he’d be home pretty late. Still, we waited, and then we ate. Of course, there was jostling over who had which dinner-related chores, but it was always a time for us all to be together.
Studies relate positive outcomes with families eating together. Children have higher self esteem and better performance in school because they feel valued. When you share a meal together at the end of the day, you get to share what happened in your own life, and learn about the events of other people’s lives. After spending a whole day apart, you get to catch up on all of the latest news. You learn what happened at work, what happened at school, and how things are going with the extended family.
What can make this an even more powerful experience is if it’s uninterrupted. For example, we would never answer the phone during the dinner hour. Today, that would be much more of a challenge with cell phones. By intentionally turning off all of your devices, you can just focus on the family.
Another key benefit to eating dinner at the table is a daily “re-introduction.” Have you ever heard a divorced person say that one day they woke up and didn’t recognize the person next to them? That kind of experience is the result of a gradual slide, not a sudden shift. When you eat together and share daily, taking the time to disconnect from the world, you get to learn new things about each other.
We’re busy. We’ve got a lot going on. Take the time to sit down at the dinner table at the end of the day and share a meal and your life.
When Your Wife Supports Your Dream
Dreaming is a wonderful thing. In dreams, you can release the physical limitations of the current world and imagine what it would be like to overcome them. Dreams are a not just an escape, they’re a path to the future. As a married person, your dreams have to apply to two people. If your wife isn’t with you in your dream, then you face an uphill battle.
One of my dreams is this blog. I wanted to share my life’s experience with you in the hopes that I could add value to your life. Most dreams require lots of time and energy. In order for me to keep the Catholic Husband blog going, I have to be disciplined enough to be writing articles daily. Beyond the writing, there is the brainstorming, planning, and editing. I wouldn’t be able to do anything without Alison’s support.
Having your wife on board with your dream and your vision can supercharge your project. You now have the advantage of two different perspectives. You have support. You have doubled your resources. You wife can also be a huge help. For example, Alison recently started sharing article links on her Facebook page. I didn’t ask her to, she just wanted to help expand the message to her network.
Having your wife on board with you will add three distinct benefits to your dream.
• It will carry you further. If your dream is time consuming and your wife doesn’t support it, you’ll have lots of conflict. She’ll be upset that you aren’t spending time with her or with your family. But if she supports your dream, she’ll be able to give insights and suggestions that will expand your reach and your success.
• It will give you new ideas. Gender differences are a wonderful thing. Sometimes I’ll have an idea with an article or a product and Alison will have a completely different one. Not only do I now have two options, I’ve found that Alison’s idea will get me thinking even deeper. Most times, her idea had never occurred to me. This is another way in which she supports me.
• You’ll be protected from delusion. When you have a dream, you tend to get very attached to it. It’s your baby and heaven help us if someone calls your baby ugly. We can pigeon hole ourselves into doing something only one way. Your wife, if she supports your dream, will challenge your goals and process. She’ll challenge you to help you grow and improve. She’ll also be able to tell you when something really isn’t working. She has the depth of relationship with you to tell you the hard truths. She’ll keep you from making a fool of yourself.
If your wife is not supportive of your dream, it may be a sign that you’re working on the wrong one. She can be your greatest asset or your number one enemy. Trust her.
Overcoming Natural Barriers
In our daily lives, there are natural barriers that often interfere with our goals. They are things that easily prevent us from doing the things we need to do in order to be successful.
I used to weigh about 170 lbs. I was slightly overweight according to my BMI, but it was a weight that I felt was healthy enough. A few months after graduating from college I hopped on the scale and the cold, hard truth hit me. 197 lbs. Whoa. How did I get this far? Well, as a bachelor, it’s easy. No exercise and eating without discrimination. I decided that wasn’t how I wanted to live, so I changed the game. I got a fitness tracker, started learning about nutrition, and began exercising. It wasn’t always easy and there were natural barriers that I had to overcome, but I knew it was worth the cost.
If you’re trying to be more productive in the morning, your natural barrier is going to be your wake up time. Your body is used to waking up at a certain time and doesn’t take kindly to your newly set alarm. It’s not that your body won’t adjust, it’s that your mind has to tell it that this is something you really want.
If you want to lose weight, that dang Krispy Kreme on your way to work is going to be your enemy. It will stare at you every morning, the “Hot Doughnuts Now” sign is a siren’s call luring you towards the rocks. The snack aisle at the grocery store will be your enemy. The availability of all those things that taste so good and are so bad for you will be your natural barrier.
If you’re looking to accomplish more things in your day, your schedule is going to be the natural barrier. It’s a time-based geometry project in which you have to fit all of the pieces.
Why are natural barriers so hard to overcome? Because they are keeping you from the biggest payoffs. Anytime something can dramatically improve your life, it will hide behind discipline and hard work. The best fruits in life are not for the lazy and unmotivated, they’re for the disciplined. The best things in life are reserved for those who will really work for them. Everyone has the capacity to work for and achieve them, but not everyone wants it that badly.
Every challenge is an opportunity. Each time you face resistance in your quest for change, you’ll find an opportunity. Maybe it will be the opportunity to learn more about yourself or an opportunity to get a small win that will build momentum. Growth comes from adversity. Growth comes from beating the odds. Growth comes from doing something you never thought was possible.
There are precious few people who are motivated enough to break through natural barriers. For those who do, there awaits a horizon of possibilities.
The Richness of Shared Experiences
Shared experiences are a powerful force in our world. There are defining events across regions and nations that give people a bond. For example, most Americans will all remember what it was like during the Arctic Blast of 2014. These types of shared experiences are so important in your married life.
As men, we’re faced with a lot of demands on our time. We want to spend time with our wife and our family, but we also have responsibilities to our work, our social organizations, and even ourselves. I’ve written recently about goals and time management as a way to address this delicate balancing act that we take on. Yet, despite these demands, it doesn’t relieve us of our primary responsibility to our wives. We must work to spend quality time together and have shared experiences with her.
A shared experience with your wife can be as simple as a night in watching a movie, or as complex as a road trip. It may or may not involve your children. An investment in time with your wife to have these shared experiences can produce many benefits for your marriage.
• It gives you a common language. Nothing is better than being with a friend and making the perfect movie reference at the right time. It makes a moment richer and deepens your bonds. Multiply that relational effect by 10, and that’s the result you’ll have with your wife. By being able to communicate in a more unique way about things you have shared, you will draw closer to one another.
• It reaffirms her value. Time is perhaps the most expensive investment we can make in something. By giving your valuable time to your wife, you’ll show her in a concrete way that she is a valuable part of your life.
• It gives another opportunity for communication. Communication within your marriage is probably quite utilitarian. You share information about menu plans, schedules, and household tasks that must be accomplished. When you take yourselves outside of the normal setting, you allow for different types of communication to take place. This is where you both share your hopes and dreams.
You can never go wrong spending time with your wife. By taking the time to have different, unique shared experiences, you allow for a greater organic growth to take place in your marriage.
Maintaining A Household
The days of being a slob are over. You’re no longer a bachelor, you’re married. Well, unless your wife is a slob, too, I guess.
I’m a very clean person. Well, I’m clean in that I like things put away. How they’re put away is mostly irrelevant.
One of the more interesting challenges that I faced when I first married Alison was that I wasn’t in control of the mess anymore. As much as I wanted to clean every inch of the apartment, I wasn’t able to. Well, I tried. But then she couldn’t find anything. After a while, I realized that we needed a joint plan for keeping the apartment clean. That worked until just about the time that Benedict showed up.
With both of you working, how do you get the household chores done without ruining your weekend?
• Divide the list. You both have things you like to clean and you both have things you don’t like to clean. So take a few things off of each list and get to work!
• Do a little bit each day. The laundry might take a whole day, so a Tuesday might not work. But try taking 15 or 20 minutes on Tuesday evening to clean the bathrooms can work.
• Don’t let it get out of control. There’s nothing more demoralizing than a huge mess. By making sure that no area of your home gets overly messy, it will make it easier to knock out the cleaning.
My main goal for the first part of this year is just keeping the kitchen clean on a daily basis. I put my dishes away as soon as I’m done with them and my goal is to not go to bed with a dirty kitchen.
Acts of Thankless Service
As humans, we long to be recognized for our accomplishments. From a very young age, we seek praise for doing good things. Yet, in the married life, sometimes the joy is in not being singled out for a particular good deed.
I love to surprise Alison! Whether it’s jumping out and scaring her or giving her an unexpected gift, there’s nothing better than the look of sheer terror or complete surprise on her face. One of my favorite surprises is cleaning while she’s at work or having a relaxing evening set up for her. Even more fun are doing the smaller acts of service that she might not even notice, but that improve her life. I call those acts of thankless service.
Spending your life chasing the recognition of others is a waste. Not only will you never be happy, your motives then become impure. You do something not because it’s good, but because of what it gets you.
Acts of thankless service really aren’t thankless. You get the satisfaction of a job well done and of doing something that improves someone else’s life. You have the fulfillment that we seek, knowing that you brought value to another’s life.
You need to be performing acts like these for your wife on a weekly, if not a daily basis.
Thankless jobs could be peeling potatoes or doing the dishes. They could also be something that you don’t really enjoy. For example, Alison loves having her back rubbed. It’s uncomfortable for me to do them and I don’t like it that much, but I do enjoy helping her to relax. She does thank me or express how much better she feels, but it’s the act of me putting her first that is the real reward.
Marriage is all-in. I’ve said before that if you both give 50-50, you’ll fail. The best way to go all in is to continually work for her benefit, lightening her load.