Family Life
Technology Bowl
Technology in our lives has really advanced at an amazing rate over the past 20 years. We’ve gone from a world where electronics made some things in our lives easier to a world where technology is completely immersed in our daily lives.
One of Benedict’s favorite things to do is to grab Alison or I’s cell phones. He sees us using them all of the time and so he wants to hold it. While I wish he didn’t perceive it as so pivotal in my life, I really do use my phone for everything. I use it for tracking exercise, keeping a food diary, logging all of the daily events in his life (feedings, naps, etc), communicating with Alison while she’s at work, and even running my business.
The funny thing is that with all of this new communication technology, we’ve become worse communicators. The one thing that technology sought to improve has actually created a bit of a barrier. We sit in the same room as our spouses, and we text them. We eat dinner and are checking our Twitter feeds. We go out on dates and update Facebook.
Alison and I have come up with a small solution to help us start taking back our lives. We call it the “Technology Bowl.” It’s a glass bowl that a friend gave us for our wedding. At dinner time, during date night, and during family game time, we put our phones in the bowl. These particular times are reserved for family time.
What this does is create a barrier. There’s a clear demarkation… this isn’t time for surfing, this is time for human connection. It improves our communication by removing communication devices from our line of sight… a true irony!
Sure, questions can’t be immediately answered using Google. We can’t see who texted us. But we can connect on a human, emotional level with the people in the room. We can just enjoy our family right there. We can get back to basics.
Technology is designed to be mastered. Just keep in mind who the master really is.
Game Night
Families today are busy. Parents are working multiple jobs, kids are going to school during the day and then participating in extracurricular activities until late in the evening. With all of these divergent schedules, it can be hard to have regular family time.
Like anything else that’s a priority in your life, you have to schedule time for it.
Admittedly, I don’t like board games that much. When playing games, I don’t necessarily enjoy an extremely competitive atmosphere. So Alison and I found some board games that aren’t really competitive, just fun. We set aside time each week for having a Game Night. It’s insanely fun.
A family game night is a great chance for your family to have some high quality time together. It’s also cost effective. Many of the usual “recreational” activities, such as going to the movies, can be extremely expensive for a family. With game night, you purchase a board game once that can last for years.
Game night is a lost treasure. People have almost forgotten that board games or card games are incredibly entertaining. You’ll make memories together and will doubtlessly start several inside jokes.
It’s time to bring the family together. It’s time to bring back game night.
Working in Your Strengths
Lifelong marriage can at times be a challenging relationship. In fact, your marriage will be the most complex and intricate relationship that you’ll manage. You are closer to your wife than you even were with your parents.
As a part of this relationship, there are a great number of potential stressors that can damage the marital bond. There’s an easy way to eliminate as many of these stressors as possible: work only in your strengths.
I hate hanging pictures. No matter how much I try, I have the hardest time getting everything just right. I’m too impatient to measure the distance between the hanger and the top of the frame, and even if I did, I’d still mess it up. So anytime Alison and I go to hang things on the wall, she knows to brace herself for a very frustrated husband.
Turns out, not only is Alison good at hanging pictures, she enjoys it! So when it came time to hang both pictures and shelves in our new home, we worked out a system. I’d do the drilling and hammering, and she’d do the measuring. We work really well together and got everything up with almost no frustration.
You and your wife are perfectly matched, and nothing will show this truth more than when you relieve each other’s burdens. When you find that an activity that drives you crazy is something your wife enjoys doing, then you know you’ve really done things right.
Not only does this division of labor lower stress, you each get to do things that you really enjoy. If you hate to wash the car and your wife loves it, let her wash the car! If you’re skilled at hemming curtains or are a machine when it comes to clothing repair, have at it!
Your marriage isn’t about fulfilling supposed societal norms. Your marriage is about you and your wife, working together, as a team, for the greater good of your family.
You’ll never lower your stress level or open new channels of communication with your wife unless you both agree to work in your strengths.
Care for the Sick
As a part of your wedding vows, you promised to care for your wife “in sickness and in health."
Taking care of your wife when she’s sick is one of the noblest things we can do in the married life. It takes both small acts of love and big ones. You have to step outside of the grossness or discomfort you may feel in order to take care of her.
All of these acts, no matter the size, make her life easier. She has less to worry about and can focus on just getting better.
So whether it’s as simple as making an extra trip to grab some Ginger Ale or as complex as helping her get to her appointments and take her medications, we’re called to care for our sick wives. Care for them well.
Sunday Hero
Here’s the easiest way to be a Sunday Hero: take the first shower.
She gets a few more minutes of beauty rest and you get that satisfied feeling knowing that you’re a hero.
Be Prepared to Give
Being married means living selflessly in a selfish culture.
I’m constantly evaluating my life. I look for behavior patterns, I look for habits and trends that are emerging. When I need to know what the model of being a great husband looks like, I look to St. Joseph. I know that I also frequently fall short of that standard. I want to be selfless, but I know I’ve got a ways to go.
A vocation to the married life isn’t a personal choice we make. Like those in the religious life, we are called to the married life. God has given us a unique set of skills and abilities that prepare us for the married life. It’s not just what we’re supposed to do, it’s what we were made to do.
As husbands, we are the heads of our household. We are charged with the care and protection of our family. It doesn’t have anything to do with social status or job title. It doesn’t have to do with what we can make with our hands or how much is in our bank account. It has everything to do with who we are as human persons.
As a husband you must be prepared to give everything you have.
Marriage is a life of service. So when you said, “I do,” you were really saying “I will.”
I will take care of my wife.
I will put her needs before my own.
I will wake up at 2am and clean up after her when she’s sick.
I will have a warm bath ready for her when she gets home at the end of a long day.
I will wait on hold for 45 minutes with the cable company so she can have access to the internet.
I will do the dishes while she entertains her friends.
I will drive her to all of her appointments.
I will take care of her when she can’t take care of herself and doesn’t remember who I am.
I will.
Leave it Better
“He always leaves the toilet seat up."
This common complaint from spouses shines a light on a major relationship issue. We need to not only be thinking about our wife first, we need to be putting it into action!
Here’s an easy marriage hack for you: make your surroundings better for your wife.
When the sink is full, do the dishes.
When you use the last of the toilet paper, replace the roll.
When you pour the last glass of water, refill the pitcher.
When she’s out shopping, clean the house.
When the dryer buzzes, fold the laundry.
It’s simple in concept, but can you put it into practice?
The Fastest Way to Grow in Patience
You can’t control the things your spouse does. But you can control your response.
When it comes to certain things, I can be very particular. I like to have a set schedule and when things deviate from that schedule, I tend to get frustrated fast. When I choose to be frustrated instead of patient, I lose the opportunity for growth.
You and your wife are different people. That’s a good thing, because if you were both the same, you’d be bored. Sure, you’re more compatible than most. You also have a deeper relationship than you have with other people. Even with all of these advantages, your wife will still do things that will annoy you. She still has faults.
Everyone has faults. There’s no such thing as the perfect spouse. So when your wife does things that annoy or frustrate you, how do you respond?
Patience is a challenging virtue to grow in. To change from a man who gets upset at the slightest action to a man who has a “mind like water” is a journey, not a destination. It takes discipline over time. To become a man who accepts his wife for who she is takes daily decisions to respond to faults and mistakes with love and understanding.
If the journey is so difficult, why do it at all? Simple. The more we’re able to overcome the frustration that we feel, the more charitable we become. The more charitable we become, the more open to love we are. We will become more gentle, loving husbands. This will bring peace and harmony to our homes on a level that we’ve never experienced before.
How we respond to our wife’s actions will determine the quality of marriage we will have. We will either have a bitter and trivial marriage or one that truly reflects Christ’s love for us.
The Best Way to Unite Your Family
As the head of your household, you’ve got a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. You’re tasked with protecting and nurturing your family. You’re also responsible for their spiritual well being. As husbands, we need to do all that we can to keep our family together.
A few months before we got married, Alison and I moved to Grand Rapids. We found a local parish and started going to Mass together on Sundays. I’d get up a little bit earlier, pick her up at her aunt’s house, and then drive her to Mass. I really enjoyed going to Mass with her, since I was used to going alone.
Our families have many demands on our time. This is especially true if you have older children who are involved in many different activities. Yet, despite this busyness, we need to set our priorities. We need to block out time that’s reserved for the family. This is definitely going to conflict with sports, school events, and social calendars. Yet, this is the essential challenge of the family today: we need to claim time that is our own and defend it vigorously.
Sunday Mass for Catholics isn’t optional. Each Sunday is a Holy Day of Obligation. Mass is non-negotiable, but we go out of love and necessity, not duty. A week in the world is draining and the Eucharist is the fuel we need to live another week faithfully. The Mass is a safe haven where we can stop worrying, relax, and rejoice in the love of our Father.
So when calendars conflict, plant a flag. Declare that your family goes to Mass, together, every Sunday. It’s not open for discussion.
The great thing about being Catholic is that with the variety of parishes and Mass times, you can actually still have your children participate in activities or hang out with friends and make it to Mass together. Each week’s schedule can determine which Mass you attend. I will point out, however, that there’s something fun about going to the same Mass each week. You get to know the people who also attend that Mass and they become your Church family in a real way. My family has found many great friends through our weekly Mass.
There are certain times when we need to rise above the pressure and assert our role as caretakers for our children. It might not be popular among our peers, but it’s the right thing to do. Our children need the sacraments and our family needs to celebrate the Mass together. Make it a priority!
Families Can’t Get No Respect
Having kids makes life a little bit more challenging. It’s not without joy, but things just take a little longer. Gone are the days when you and your wife decide to hop in the car and go shopping. Trips take extra preparation, and they can be a challenge.
A few weeks ago, Alison and I took Benedict to IKEA. We’re in the market for some new furniture for our new home. When we arrived, I began the task of looking for a place to park. I was literally shocked when I saw the signs for the “Family Parking Lot.” The lot was sectioned off from the rest of the parking areas with only one entrance. This safety feature limited vehicular traffic, thus reducing the danger of a child being hit. The lot was right at the front of the store, so we didn’t have to walk very far with our family in tow. The spots were a bit wider than standard spots giving us the room to both park and put Benedict in his stroller. It was perfectly family friendly. But that wasn’t all. The Family Restroom had liners for the changing table and free diapers. Wow. This is just not the kind of treatment that we see among businesses in the United States today.
Couples today are holding off from starting families because they don’t want the “hardship” of children. They’re selfish. There’s no other way of putting it.
Companies use marketing to target children. It makes sense from a business perspective, as children are potential future customers. Then you go to their stores and it’s a nightmare. Parking is difficult, the shelves are overloaded, and it’s just not a good experience. Even traveling via airplane can be difficult. It really all comes down to the TSA employees themselves. At bigger airports, they’re not helpful at all. At smaller airports, you may find that some employees do their best to help parents through screening with all of their extra baggage.
So what’s the deal with all of this. Why am I objecting to the way companies treat families today?
The lack of accommodation is a result of a decrease in respect towards human life.
Kids aren’t considered to be the blessing that they are. They’re an inconvenience to those around us. People hate a crying kid at “their” dinner out. People hate when other people’s kids “ruin” their movie experience. People hate when they’re on vacation and they have a baby in the next hotel room over. Parishioners can’t understand why you don’t take your crying baby to the cry room.
Get over it.
Babies cry. It’s what they do. Kids aren’t robots and they weren’t designed to please other people trying to have a nice night out.
While it may be a bit of a stretch, I’d say that this lack of respect is rooted in the widespread use of contraceptives. Pope Paul IV has been truly vindicated in his predictions.
Contraceptives have reduced families to an annoyance.
Parenting is no longer seen as a noble pursuit.
How do we reverse this negative trend? First, we must show the world the joy of parenthood. Second, we must teach our children that children are indeed a gift from God. Last, we must patiently bear the dirty looks and inconveniences that we experience. Our children are worth the hassle.
We don’t respect families like we should. Let’s find ways to make the lives of parents easier.