Family Life
Choose Joy
Being joyful about our lives can be a challenge, despite all of the good things we have. It’s all too easy to let the bad overshadow the good.
It seems like in the times that I should be thankful and praying even harder, I tend to let my prayer life slide. I let the things that are going wrong almost consume me. That’s no way to live.
In our lives, attitude is everything. People in history have accomplished amazing things, despite all odds being against them. They’ve accomplished these things because they had the right attitude. They chose to not let the things that were going wrong discourage them.
If joy is so essential, how can we maintain it?
• Refuse to let outside factors affect you. When things go wrong, we choose how much energy and effort we give to that thing. Our response affects how we respond to everything else in that moment. So when something bad happens to you, don’t let it ruin the rest of your day.
• Stay in a loving mindset. While there are many things in our lives that we cannot control, our mindset is one that we can. It’s a challenge, especially in the face of adversity, but it can be done.
• Remember that joy is essential in the spiritual life. Although we’re very reverent and reserved at Mass, let’s keep in mind that the Christian life is essentially meant to be a joyful one. Even though times may be tough, the battle is already won. We are not meant to be somber and sad, death is conquered!
Choose joy!
Scheduling Together
The most powerful tool in your marriage is your calendar. Your calendar will always show you what you think is actually important.
I keep a variety of digital calendars. I have one for personal events, one that Alison and I share, and one for my company. All of these calendars stake out time in my day for various activities. I have writing time, exercise time, and even family time blocked out. By using a calendar, I can “budget” my time. I have 16 hours awake during the day, how will I spend them?
The reason why calendars are so powerful in your marriage and family is that they help everyone get done what they need to get done. They allow you to know when family time is and when you have personal time. Everyone gets on the same page so you can all work together on the family’s objectives for the week.
Knowing what your wife is up to can be powerful in its own way. By knowing when your wife will be done working, you can plan a nice surprise. You can have dinner ready, or maybe even show up at lunch and eat with her. You’ll also know when she’s got a long day ahead of her so you can be sure to offer some extra encouragement.
Having a weekly time for planning your joint calendars together is a fantastic way to make sure everything gets time reserved. You can plan game night, date night, and any other together time that you want to share in the week ahead. This is also a great time to menu plan.
Marriage is all about communication. The more you communicate, the more your marriage will grow. By sitting down and planning your week together, you and your wife can communicate your priorities and dreams for the week.
Technology Bowl
Technology in our lives has really advanced at an amazing rate over the past 20 years. We’ve gone from a world where electronics made some things in our lives easier to a world where technology is completely immersed in our daily lives.
One of Benedict’s favorite things to do is to grab Alison or I’s cell phones. He sees us using them all of the time and so he wants to hold it. While I wish he didn’t perceive it as so pivotal in my life, I really do use my phone for everything. I use it for tracking exercise, keeping a food diary, logging all of the daily events in his life (feedings, naps, etc), communicating with Alison while she’s at work, and even running my business.
The funny thing is that with all of this new communication technology, we’ve become worse communicators. The one thing that technology sought to improve has actually created a bit of a barrier. We sit in the same room as our spouses, and we text them. We eat dinner and are checking our Twitter feeds. We go out on dates and update Facebook.
Alison and I have come up with a small solution to help us start taking back our lives. We call it the “Technology Bowl.” It’s a glass bowl that a friend gave us for our wedding. At dinner time, during date night, and during family game time, we put our phones in the bowl. These particular times are reserved for family time.
What this does is create a barrier. There’s a clear demarkation… this isn’t time for surfing, this is time for human connection. It improves our communication by removing communication devices from our line of sight… a true irony!
Sure, questions can’t be immediately answered using Google. We can’t see who texted us. But we can connect on a human, emotional level with the people in the room. We can just enjoy our family right there. We can get back to basics.
Technology is designed to be mastered. Just keep in mind who the master really is.
Game Night
Families today are busy. Parents are working multiple jobs, kids are going to school during the day and then participating in extracurricular activities until late in the evening. With all of these divergent schedules, it can be hard to have regular family time.
Like anything else that’s a priority in your life, you have to schedule time for it.
Admittedly, I don’t like board games that much. When playing games, I don’t necessarily enjoy an extremely competitive atmosphere. So Alison and I found some board games that aren’t really competitive, just fun. We set aside time each week for having a Game Night. It’s insanely fun.
A family game night is a great chance for your family to have some high quality time together. It’s also cost effective. Many of the usual “recreational” activities, such as going to the movies, can be extremely expensive for a family. With game night, you purchase a board game once that can last for years.
Game night is a lost treasure. People have almost forgotten that board games or card games are incredibly entertaining. You’ll make memories together and will doubtlessly start several inside jokes.
It’s time to bring the family together. It’s time to bring back game night.
Working in Your Strengths
Lifelong marriage can at times be a challenging relationship. In fact, your marriage will be the most complex and intricate relationship that you’ll manage. You are closer to your wife than you even were with your parents.
As a part of this relationship, there are a great number of potential stressors that can damage the marital bond. There’s an easy way to eliminate as many of these stressors as possible: work only in your strengths.
I hate hanging pictures. No matter how much I try, I have the hardest time getting everything just right. I’m too impatient to measure the distance between the hanger and the top of the frame, and even if I did, I’d still mess it up. So anytime Alison and I go to hang things on the wall, she knows to brace herself for a very frustrated husband.
Turns out, not only is Alison good at hanging pictures, she enjoys it! So when it came time to hang both pictures and shelves in our new home, we worked out a system. I’d do the drilling and hammering, and she’d do the measuring. We work really well together and got everything up with almost no frustration.
You and your wife are perfectly matched, and nothing will show this truth more than when you relieve each other’s burdens. When you find that an activity that drives you crazy is something your wife enjoys doing, then you know you’ve really done things right.
Not only does this division of labor lower stress, you each get to do things that you really enjoy. If you hate to wash the car and your wife loves it, let her wash the car! If you’re skilled at hemming curtains or are a machine when it comes to clothing repair, have at it!
Your marriage isn’t about fulfilling supposed societal norms. Your marriage is about you and your wife, working together, as a team, for the greater good of your family.
You’ll never lower your stress level or open new channels of communication with your wife unless you both agree to work in your strengths.
Care for the Sick
As a part of your wedding vows, you promised to care for your wife “in sickness and in health."
Taking care of your wife when she’s sick is one of the noblest things we can do in the married life. It takes both small acts of love and big ones. You have to step outside of the grossness or discomfort you may feel in order to take care of her.
All of these acts, no matter the size, make her life easier. She has less to worry about and can focus on just getting better.
So whether it’s as simple as making an extra trip to grab some Ginger Ale or as complex as helping her get to her appointments and take her medications, we’re called to care for our sick wives. Care for them well.
Sunday Hero
Here’s the easiest way to be a Sunday Hero: take the first shower.
She gets a few more minutes of beauty rest and you get that satisfied feeling knowing that you’re a hero.
Be Prepared to Give
Being married means living selflessly in a selfish culture.
I’m constantly evaluating my life. I look for behavior patterns, I look for habits and trends that are emerging. When I need to know what the model of being a great husband looks like, I look to St. Joseph. I know that I also frequently fall short of that standard. I want to be selfless, but I know I’ve got a ways to go.
A vocation to the married life isn’t a personal choice we make. Like those in the religious life, we are called to the married life. God has given us a unique set of skills and abilities that prepare us for the married life. It’s not just what we’re supposed to do, it’s what we were made to do.
As husbands, we are the heads of our household. We are charged with the care and protection of our family. It doesn’t have anything to do with social status or job title. It doesn’t have to do with what we can make with our hands or how much is in our bank account. It has everything to do with who we are as human persons.
As a husband you must be prepared to give everything you have.
Marriage is a life of service. So when you said, “I do,” you were really saying “I will.”
I will take care of my wife.
I will put her needs before my own.
I will wake up at 2am and clean up after her when she’s sick.
I will have a warm bath ready for her when she gets home at the end of a long day.
I will wait on hold for 45 minutes with the cable company so she can have access to the internet.
I will do the dishes while she entertains her friends.
I will drive her to all of her appointments.
I will take care of her when she can’t take care of herself and doesn’t remember who I am.
I will.
Leave it Better
“He always leaves the toilet seat up."
This common complaint from spouses shines a light on a major relationship issue. We need to not only be thinking about our wife first, we need to be putting it into action!
Here’s an easy marriage hack for you: make your surroundings better for your wife.
When the sink is full, do the dishes.
When you use the last of the toilet paper, replace the roll.
When you pour the last glass of water, refill the pitcher.
When she’s out shopping, clean the house.
When the dryer buzzes, fold the laundry.
It’s simple in concept, but can you put it into practice?
The Fastest Way to Grow in Patience
You can’t control the things your spouse does. But you can control your response.
When it comes to certain things, I can be very particular. I like to have a set schedule and when things deviate from that schedule, I tend to get frustrated fast. When I choose to be frustrated instead of patient, I lose the opportunity for growth.
You and your wife are different people. That’s a good thing, because if you were both the same, you’d be bored. Sure, you’re more compatible than most. You also have a deeper relationship than you have with other people. Even with all of these advantages, your wife will still do things that will annoy you. She still has faults.
Everyone has faults. There’s no such thing as the perfect spouse. So when your wife does things that annoy or frustrate you, how do you respond?
Patience is a challenging virtue to grow in. To change from a man who gets upset at the slightest action to a man who has a “mind like water” is a journey, not a destination. It takes discipline over time. To become a man who accepts his wife for who she is takes daily decisions to respond to faults and mistakes with love and understanding.
If the journey is so difficult, why do it at all? Simple. The more we’re able to overcome the frustration that we feel, the more charitable we become. The more charitable we become, the more open to love we are. We will become more gentle, loving husbands. This will bring peace and harmony to our homes on a level that we’ve never experienced before.
How we respond to our wife’s actions will determine the quality of marriage we will have. We will either have a bitter and trivial marriage or one that truly reflects Christ’s love for us.