Family Life
Maximizing Your Time
How you spend your day is important. Each day there are gaps of time that could be put to better use. You already have a daily routine and it might be very loose or it might be very structured. Regardless, you have a series of activities that you complete each day in a given order. What happens when you want to add something new to that routine?
Alison and I recently bought a bread maker. As a part of that purchase, we decided it was time to rearrange the cabinets in our kitchen. Knowing that we had new demands on our cabinet space, combined with our desire to keep the counters as clear as possible, forced us into new ways of thinking. Having a new reality or a changed set of parameters can allow you to think in ways that you previously couldn’t. The same is true with your time.
From time to time, you’ll want to take up a new hobby or passion. It might be a construction project, daily reading, you might subscribe to a newspaper, or it may even be daily prayer. When this new time demand comes into your life, you’ll need to rethink your daily routine so that you can continue to accomplish everything else you’re already doing, assuming this new activity isn’t filling unclaimed time.
Changing your routine is hard to do. It requires lots of trial and error. You’ll be attempting to balance the demands of the new activity with your own preferences. For example, if you get a newspaper subscription, and you can’t read it in the morning because you’re not awake enough, then you’ll need to find time in the evening to read it. Any new activity should be put in a time slot that works for you. Put it in a place where you can maximize it.
Make small shifts to change the game. Big changes at any time are a bad idea and really just set you up for failure. So if you need more time in the morning, move your wakeup time by 15 minutes, not 2 hours. After 2 weeks, move it 15 minutes again. Gradual changes will produce the greatest result.
Another strategy is to consider shifting activities based on their demands. Ask yourself two questions; 1) What do I need to do alone? 2) What can I do with others? By dividing your activities in this way, you can understand how your schedule relates to those around you.
Your routine should be constantly evaluated to move with your schedule and to find better efficiencies. The more efficient you can be with your own schedule, the more time you can spend with your wife, family, and in relaxation mode.
Your Ideal Day
“Begin with the end in mind” is excellent advice. If you’re able to visualize a project at its completion, you can better understand the steps you need to take to reach your goal. One of the best strategies for planning out your day is to follow this simple principle.
We have things that we’d like to accomplish during the day. We have activities that we love doing and others that must be done. We have things that will help us to relax, things that will support our family, and things that will keep our household running.
The perpetual enemy is roadblocks. The perpetual enemy is the couch. The perpetual enemy is the computer. These distractions can suck up valuable time when they’re taken out of order. The more time you spend watching TV, the less time you have to accomplish things on your to do list.
Having a plan can help. By planning out your day, to include rest and relaxation time, you can short-circuit distractions. When you’re busy washing the car or mowing the lawn, you’ll know that there’s a time scheduled during the day for you to watch TV. When you’re playing with your kids, you know that you’ve set aside time to read the paper or play a game.
Your plan needs to be balanced. It needs to have time for your family, for your faith, for fun, for intellectual growth, and for work. Whenever you neglect one of these areas, the others suffer. They’re all important in their own way, so dedicating time to them each day is important.
The day can easily slip away from you. By having a plan in place for how you’ll spend your time, you can by-pass distractions and get it done.
Block Out “You” Time
We all need margin in our lives. Finding that margin can be difficult, but it needs to be a priority.
I love productivity hacks and I love planning my weeks and days. The thing is, most days, Benedict isn’t really interested in cooperating with my schedule. I’ve always performed better when I control a huge block of time in which I can execute my tasks or plan. Until the past two weeks or so, Benedict’s schedule has only given me small pockets of time. It’s been an adjustment to make to get motivated to do short bursts of work. What I really noticed is that if I don’t carefully block out personal time, it didn’t happen.
We need to be working. We need to be praying. We need to be sleeping. We need to be playing with our family. We also need to have some time each day for doing something that we really want to do. It may be reading, playing a video game, or watching a movie. We need time to ourselves that isn’t goal-related, that isn’t work, and that’s 100% fun. So does your wife.
Getting this time to happen is always the challenge, and it’ll continue to be a challenge throughout your life. The way for both you and your wife to have this special time is to communicate your expectations.
• How often? If you think of your time like a budget, you’ll quickly figure out that there are way more things that you would like to do than you have time for. I’d love to be working on multiple writing projects, apps, podcasts, and other Catholic Husband things to make this a better resource for you, but I just simply don’t have the time for it all. So I have to edit things down. You’re the same way. What does that mean for your margin time? It means that it might not happen every day. It might be every other day or a few times a week.
• How long? In your mind, how much time would you like to have for this time block? I love playing Civ V, but by the hour and a half mark, I’m bored and ready for something new. By sharing with your wife how long you need (and vice versa) you can both be guilt free because you both know exactly what to expect.
• When? As a husband, your time is not your wholly your own. As a father, you have the opportunity to share more of your time with your family. Finding a good time for this margin is going to be the most critical component of your success. It might be before the kids get up or after they go to bed. On the weekend, plan with your wife when you’d like the margin time and ask her to take care of the kids. Then, when she’s ready for her time, you’ll watch the kids. Teamwork is a beautiful thing.
If you have clear expectations with your wife, you can both enjoy your respective margin times without guilt, fear, or worry. Everything is taken care of, you aren’t being selfish, what you’re doing is an approved activity. It’s one of the most relaxing feelings in the world.
You need margin time in your life. You need alone time. You need fun. Plan to take some regular margin time and don’t neglect it!
Family Time on a Weeknight
Family life is central to the Catholic experience. While we gather as a community to celebrate the Sacraments, the majority of the Church’s work happens at home, in the family. While busyness and a multitude of weeknight activities fill the family calendar, it’s important to spend time together each evening.
My family’s weeknight schedule varies from week to week. Although we don’t have too many regularly scheduled activities during the week, Alison’s work schedule does change, which means the amount of time we have fluctuates. It’s generally safe for us to assume that we’ll have 1 hour before Benedict goes to bed and 1 hour after he does. We spend most of that time together eating dinner, going for a walk, watching Netflix, or reading.
The family being apart during the day is essentially a necessity for most homes. Someone needs to work and the children need to go to school and participate in extracurricular activities. This busyness makes evening time together that much more important.
Family time isn’t just for the weekend. Family life isn’t relegated to two days per week. Instead, the family needs those daily connection points to remain strong and grow.
Certainly on weeknights time constraints weigh heavily on the ways families can spend time together. However, time constraints do not lessen the importance of this time. Your family can share a meal, have lively conversation, pray, read, walk, or any other number of activities. The most important thing is that you’re connecting. This is a time for the parents to communicate very strongly and clearly that their children are important and loved. This is a time for spouses to communicate very strongly and clearly that they are a priority. This is a time for children to learn the importance of family life.
If you’re struggling to find time in the evenings, you’re going to need to make some. Limit activities to those which end at a reasonable hour. Ensure that your kids have their homework done as soon as they get home. Manage your career so that work that absolutely must get done either happens at the office or after the kids are in bed. The saying rings true, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way."
The life of a family is more important than work, it’s more important than sports, and it’s more important than school. The home is the bedrock from which strong families can grow. Invest the time to make sure that yours is set.
Handmade Gifts Come from the Heart
The tradition of giving gifts to friends and loved ones at Christmas is a centuries old tradition. Unfortunately, it’s been targeted by retailers who have sought to benefit materially on the tradition. While buying people gifts from stores (at incredible discounts, no doubt) isn’t a bad thing, you can do better.
Gifts shouldn’t be bought for the sake of crossing someone off of a list. It should be a much more personal and meaningful experience. What can I give this person that will both express my love and affection, but also will improve their lives?
Your Christmas Budget can grow as big as you’ll allow it. This year, what if you try something new? This year, make a few gifts by hand.
Handmade gifts aren’t cheap or a cop out, in fact, they’re considerably more expensive. It takes a very small investment of time on your part to take someone’s list, run out and buy something on that list, and then move on. Handmade gifts require thought, planning, and execution.
While you may not think that you have any particular skills that could lead to a nice gift, I’d challenge you to think again. Homemade gifts don’t have to be knitted. You have a particular talent that can be used in your gift giving.
Handmade gifts will mean more. They’ll truly be from your heart. They’ll also probably last longer, or at least the memory of them will.
Yes, buy people presents off of their list. Yes, gifts of any shape or form express your love and affection. But I challenge you this year to give 1 or 2 handmade gifts to someone you love.
Fun in Your Community
One of the tragedies of our technological world is that we’ve stopped using our local resources.
To celebrate our anniversary this year, Alison and I went on a day hike. We had a bigger adventure planned, but the weather forced us to think smaller. My parents took Benedict for the day and we trekked out. We went to a state park near our house in the foothills and I was nothing short of stunned. The views were amazing, the trails were varied and fun, and I got up close to a cow. It was an amazing outing.
Our communities have a whole host of opportunities for us to take advantage. From museums to farmers markets, from hiking trails to unique stores, there’s a lot going on. It can be easy for us to just hang out at home and bum around on the internet. We really deserve more. There are tons of other local things to do.
Get out there and find them.
You’re A Chef
There are times in the married life when we need to take risks. As men, we don’t like failing. If we can’t do something perfectly the first time, we tend to shy away from trying.
One of the biggest changes this summer for me was taking over the role of household chef. Alison and I eat fairly simply, but some of the recipes can be a challenge. It’s become my goal to have dinner ready when Alison walks in the door.
This is really the first time that I’ve cooked. When I was single, I had about 5 recipes that I cooked, all of which were incredibly simple. Now, I’m moving on to more complex and challenging dinners.
If your wife is responsible for all of the food preparation in your house, you should know that it can be difficult. Having to make dinner every night can get old, especially if she’s not in love with cooking. Taking turns, or even just giving her the night off can be a big deal for her.
The bottom line is that if you can follow directions, you can cook. It’s all about confidence. You literally follow the recipe and after a period of time, the food is ready.
The great thing about taking a night of the week to cook dinner is that it’s an awesome way to love your wife. If you want to make it even more special, let her take a bath while you’re cooking. Have a little snack and drink for her while she’s in the tub. Then, when dinner’s ready, invite her to the table and give her a warm towel to dry off with.
Even better, if your meal requires any time in the oven, you can spend that time getting most of the kitchen clean from your food prep. That means that when dinner is over, you just have to clean the dishes, cups, and serving ware. You did two things for your wife: you cooked AND you cleaned up. That’s being an expert level husband.
This is the genius of being a husband. Love is about more than cost, it’s truly the thought that counts.
So pick a night, start simple, and give your wife the night off.
Keeping Family Prayers Fresh
Family prayers, just like personal prayers, can get a little stale. The problem with stale family prayer is that your little ones will get bored.
It’s a wise idea to set a schedule for changing your family prayer routine. This will help you keep things fresh, but also give you some lead time for planning. Here are a few ideas for ways to change up your routine:
• Pray the rosary. It really only takes about 15 minutes, which is manageable. If it’s going too long on a school night, moving it to your weekend prayer time might be your best bet.
• Petitions. Go around the room and have each family member share their intentions. At the end, collectively pray for them all.
• Scripture lessons. Have you ever had someone blow your mind with the background story of a particular Scripture? It may have been a parable or verse that you’ve heard dozens of times, and when they tell you the historical surroundings, it changes everything? Seek out lessons (my suggestion is to start with anything by Mark Hart) and then teach them to your children.
• Adoration. If you live in an area that has Eucharistic Adoration, take your family and spend some time. Bonus points for making this part of your regular routine.
• Evening Prayer/Night Prayer. The Catholic Church has the Liturgy of the Hours (also known as the Breviary). The Liturgy is prayed by priests and religious five times daily. Have your family pray Evening Prayer (about 10 minutes) or Night Prayer (about 5 minutes) together.
There are endless prayer possibilities. Keep things fresh and keep your family engaged.
Choose Joy
Being joyful about our lives can be a challenge, despite all of the good things we have. It’s all too easy to let the bad overshadow the good.
It seems like in the times that I should be thankful and praying even harder, I tend to let my prayer life slide. I let the things that are going wrong almost consume me. That’s no way to live.
In our lives, attitude is everything. People in history have accomplished amazing things, despite all odds being against them. They’ve accomplished these things because they had the right attitude. They chose to not let the things that were going wrong discourage them.
If joy is so essential, how can we maintain it?
• Refuse to let outside factors affect you. When things go wrong, we choose how much energy and effort we give to that thing. Our response affects how we respond to everything else in that moment. So when something bad happens to you, don’t let it ruin the rest of your day.
• Stay in a loving mindset. While there are many things in our lives that we cannot control, our mindset is one that we can. It’s a challenge, especially in the face of adversity, but it can be done.
• Remember that joy is essential in the spiritual life. Although we’re very reverent and reserved at Mass, let’s keep in mind that the Christian life is essentially meant to be a joyful one. Even though times may be tough, the battle is already won. We are not meant to be somber and sad, death is conquered!
Choose joy!
Scheduling Together
The most powerful tool in your marriage is your calendar. Your calendar will always show you what you think is actually important.
I keep a variety of digital calendars. I have one for personal events, one that Alison and I share, and one for my company. All of these calendars stake out time in my day for various activities. I have writing time, exercise time, and even family time blocked out. By using a calendar, I can “budget” my time. I have 16 hours awake during the day, how will I spend them?
The reason why calendars are so powerful in your marriage and family is that they help everyone get done what they need to get done. They allow you to know when family time is and when you have personal time. Everyone gets on the same page so you can all work together on the family’s objectives for the week.
Knowing what your wife is up to can be powerful in its own way. By knowing when your wife will be done working, you can plan a nice surprise. You can have dinner ready, or maybe even show up at lunch and eat with her. You’ll also know when she’s got a long day ahead of her so you can be sure to offer some extra encouragement.
Having a weekly time for planning your joint calendars together is a fantastic way to make sure everything gets time reserved. You can plan game night, date night, and any other together time that you want to share in the week ahead. This is also a great time to menu plan.
Marriage is all about communication. The more you communicate, the more your marriage will grow. By sitting down and planning your week together, you and your wife can communicate your priorities and dreams for the week.