Faith
Heroic Virtue
Sainthood is our goal. But, sometimes we start to believe it is impossible. In those times, we fall into sin.
My recent experience of the birth of my son was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. My wife was admitted into the hospital for three days and I was her primary caregiver. Having had some experience with life as an inpatient, I knew that it was my role to manage her care, advocate for her, and make sure that we both had thorough understanding of her treatment.
As I reached the third day of very little sleep and several bumps in the road, I noticed that over the previous three days, I had completely abandoned my own needs. She and my child’s needs were always first. Nothing grossed me out, nothing got me upset, nothing bothered me. Whatever needed to be done, I did.
As I reflected, I found how I had felt those “honeymoon” feelings again, that springtime of love. The act of caring, the non-stop acts of love provided a boost not only to her, but to me.
I felt as if I had begun to understand what the term “heroic virtue” means.
On the road to canonization, the first step is for the Pope to recognize an individual’s heroic virtue. A recognition that their life truly exemplified the life that we are called to as members of the Body of Christ. It is easy to think that heroic virtue is reserved to only a few, but we are rapidly loosing that excuse.
We are riding on a wave of canonizations of people that we have lived with and met. Perhaps most notable is Pope John Paul II. During his decades long reign, we learned from him and watched his every move. We watched him bring down Communism, kiss lepers, and bravely persevere through a debilitating illness.
We learned about the dignity of the human person and the proper place of our human sexuality. He is someone that we could easily see as a person living the Christian Life well. He lived this life not because it was easy, not because he was the Pope, but because it was who he truly was as a human person.
Attaining sainthood is our goal. We aren’t going to make it if life is about us and our needs. We are provided countless opportunities every day to chose to live with heroic virtue. I, too often, chose the opposite because it’s more comfortable. But we aren’t supposed to be comfortable. Selflessness will help us reach our goal.
Marriage is a great incubator of Saints. We both know that being a husband is not easy. It comes with great satisfaction and fulfillment, but we are challenged daily. The best way for us to make that next step, that orientation towards the path of sanctity is to actively and daily chose to love and serve our wives before ourselves. By placing her needs before our own, we reduce our selfishness and make more room for love.
As I transition back home, I’m going to make a solid effort to maintain the level of love and concern I had for my wife in the hospital. I hope you’ll join me… just with your own wife.
Holding Hands During the Our Father
When I was going to Mass as a single man, I’d go to the 7:00am Mass on Sunday mornings. It was the best because it was quiet (read “peaceful”), it gave me a great boost to my day, and the Mass was about the Liturgy, not about everyone catching up with each other.
One of the things my wife has taught me about the Mass is why holding hands during the Our Father is a non-starter with her. It is a tradition in the American Church which has some tenure, but it’s mostly wrong. A nice idea, yes. Liturgically, though, it’s incorrect.
Holding hands is a sign of unity. Whether it’s at a rally of some sort or on a logo for world peace, if people are holding hands, they’re together. Heck, if you see a young man and woman holding hands, you suspect they’re dating… or in a union of some kind.
The problem with this show of unity during the Mass is that we already have a sign of unity… the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, truly present in the Eucharist is what unites us. It pulls us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually into the Body of Christ, namely Him and His Church. So the hand holding is really just a cheap imitation. No sign could more truly or fully express the unity of the Catholic Church than the Eucharist.
Now, my wife and I will hold hands during the Our Father. But wait, didn’t I just call that a cheap imitation? Not in this case. When we conferred the Sacrament of Matrimony on each other, and because it was blessed and witnessed by the Church, we now approach the Throne of God as one. “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” So, as a married couple, our holding hands is an outward sign of this reality.
I’m not overly strict about this policy. When I’m home, my family always held hands, so I will with them. Of course, there is difficulty when other people reach out to grab my hand out of habit. My wife and I deal with this awkwardness in one of two ways. She puts her free hand over our joined hands and I put mine in my pocket.
I’m not saying you need to take this stance, but I think it’s an interesting discussion on the Theology of Marriage. We are truly one and this outward sign is just one way we can remind ourselves of that reality.
Nature is a Love Letter
We’re busy, I get that. We’re men. All day we charge, we fight, we win. We’re always on the move, always striving for our goals.
We can move too fast.
We can move so fast, that we miss God’s constant reminders for us.
The majority of us haven’t seen God. We have been given the gift of faith, and we are lucky to have received it. There is a blessing in believing without seeing, but there is also a challenge. We can easily forget God because He is not always in our field of vision.
Or is He?
Oh, He is alright!
Nature is God’s love letter to us. When we stop to admire the beauty of nature, we can see His hand. A stroke of His brush paints us a beautiful sunset. The vibrant colors of a garden reflect His master design.
We can see God’s hand in the most beautiful creation we have ever seen, our wife.
It’s a reminder. He’s there. And He wants us to have life to the fullest.
When Prayer Becomes Alive
Your prayer life is a relationship.
It is a conversation between Creator and created.
Like any relationship, it is going to have its ups and its downs.
There will be days when you throw yourself completely into it. There will be days that it doesn’t make it very high on your to-do list. There will be days when it is the only thing that keeps you going.
There are Springs and there are Winters.
I believe that the most magical time is as the winter is fading. Spring is on the horizon and you notice an uptick in your energy.
This is the moment when your prayer becomes alive.
You start to put yourself in those Biblical stories. You speak the words of the “Hail Mary” with vigor. You pray the Act of Contrition, feeling every word.
As your prayer becomes more alive, you become ensnared in it. The words become a part of you.
It is a mystical experience.
But how do we get there?
Easy. Pray for it.
Pray through the winter that your prayer life may have a spring.
Pray to Him who brings all good things to completion.
Risk Management
There is a term in insurance called “risk management.”
Risk management essentially acknowledges that with a given activity, they are inherent possibilities that might lead to an undesirable outcome, but we put in place procedures that lower the risk to its lowest possible level.
That is a lot a of words.
I’ve posted several times about risk management in your marital relationship. From not traveling alone with female coworkers to avoiding the dangers of the internet.
It’s an essential thing for us, as men of honor and integrity, to not give the Devil a chance to work in our lives.
As I write this post, I am on the desktop computer in our living room. I can see my wife cooking in the kitchen (and boy does it smell good!) and the desk is located right next to the TV.
Having the computer in the living room is a risk management technique. We have lowered the risk that the computer could become a weapon against us.
It is also a sound parenting strategy. By having the computer (and laptops, and phones, and iPads) only for use in common spaces, we can keep each other accountable and protect ourselves from opportunities to make bad choices.
Look at your life, see the risks, and manage them.
To Avoid Whatever Leads Me to Sin
There are many things that society has decided are weak in men.
Forgiveness, losing a fight, being beaten by a girl.
The problem is, they’re wrong.
In fact, some of the things that have been called weak are actually strength.
Humility is one of those things.
In the Act on Contrition, we promise, “…to avoid whatever leads me to sin.”
Sin is a chain, it’s not a single action.
For each violation of your Baptismal promises, there are a series of non-sin decisions that take you across the line.
At each link in the chain, you could call it quits and stop the sin. It’s like an offramp on a highway. But we don’t often take it.
Knowing yourself can be a great help in forming yourself in virtue. If you recognize the links starting to put themselves together, you can break the chain.
So, what is it that keeps getting you into trouble? Knock it off.
Community of Prayer
One evening I was traveling home from work. It was a nice summer evening, the sun had set and the city streets were alive.
As I was approaching home, all traffic stopped. An ambulance was approaching with its lights and sirens on. Someone needed help, and the ambulance needed to get there as soon as possible.
I stopped, as I always do, and prayed a Hail Mary for the medics and the patient. It’s something I was taught to do as a child.
After I completed my prayer, my thoughts turned in two directions.
First, I was thankful to be living in the United States where we have a fabulous emergency response network. No matter who you are or where you are, a single phone call can get help to you. That is a great blessing and something we should always be thankful for.
Second, I thought about the universality of the Church and our call as Catholic men to pray for one another. I’ve written in the past about praying for your wife and family, which should be daily prayers. But we are also called to pray for those we know and don’t know, inside and outside of the Church.
As you pray, whether it be when you hear a siren, or pass a Catholic Church, or whatever occasion prompts it, be sure to include those you are with in the prayer. It doesn’t just have to be a private event. This can be a powerful witness to your wife, children, and/or family.
Be men of faith, be men of prayer. Pray without ceasing.
Let’s Fail at Sin
We spend too much time trying to fix our spouse.
When we have marriage problems, we’re the first to blame the other person. It’s normal. But, when we do, we overlook something quite obvious.
We’re probably the problem.
The good news is, we’re a problem that we can fix. The time for personal makeovers isn’t just at New Years. In fact, by seeking daily renewal, we can significantly improve how our spouse’s actions appear to us.
The problem is sin.
We weren’t the first to sin, but we sure are good at it! We fall into every little trap. It’s so bad that sometimes we go looking for sin!
The problem with sin is that it doesn’t just affect us. It affects the Body of Christ. It affects our spouse in a particular way.
Sin weakens charity. What does that mean? It gets in the way of our relationship with God, Who is Love. The further we get from God, the harder it is to not sin. The only way to get rid of sin is to understand it.
Many people wake up on New Years Day and resolve to lose 20 pounds. Two weeks later, they’re destroying row after row of Thin Mints. Why did they fail? Lack of willpower? Maybe. Lack of understanding. Definitely.
You have to understand why you are falling into a particular sin. You need to study the sin and your habits surrounding it. What makes you commit that sin more often? What causes you to move past the point of no return?
Once you understand why you sin, you can understand how to navigate around it. If you are constantly eating gluttonously, maybe you need to learn about techniques for portion control. Or perhaps you could avoid eating out in restaurants.
Another great way to identify where you are weak is through a daily examination of conscience. It’s basically a daily recap of where you went wrong. There are plenty of guides and pamphlets out there.
A daily examination of conscience helps you focus in on your failings and understand better where you need to work.
In our world, being a success is everything. You must try your hardest and win! I’ve got a better idea for today.
Let’s try to fail at sinning.
Go Ahead and Fail
GK Chesterton once said, “Anything worth doing is worth failing at.”
He wasn’t suggesting that we strive to do things poorly. He was saying that if a task is worth doing, then it is worth taking the risk of getting it wrong.
He was warning against perfectionism.
Striving for perfection is ok, but being a perfectionist to the detriment of the task is not.
What am I even talking about?
Being a husband is a daunting task. Your wife depends on you to lead, love, pray and grow. That is a tall order for us as men, especially with all of our flaws. We may let ourselves believe the lie that if we can’t be the perfect husband, we shouldn’t get married at all.
That is wrong. It’s wrong because this whole life is a learning experiment! Sure, we have guides and teachers to help us along the way (parents and other role models), but even the best guide knows that if the student doesn’t fail on their own, they will never be successful.
The enemy of starting something is perfection.
God doesn’t call us to be perfect, He calls us to strive for perfection.
Your wife doesn’t expect you to be perfect. She does expect that you would actually give your best effort and not mail it in.
Don’t be afraid of your faults and weaknesses. Embrace them, work through them, and then use your experience to help someone else.
Contentment
Of all the virtues in the human race, today, contentment seems the furtherest off. We are consumers and that is what we do. We consume things. We consume people. A lack of contentment is a society illness.
The thing about contentment is that it runs with happiness. You cannot find a person who is both content and unhappy. Contentment leads to a natural peace, a serenity.
But what is it?
Contentment is being satisfied with what you have. It is a lack of want. Not a lack of desire or passion, but a spiritual recognition that you have the right things for where you are right now.
If you chose your spouse correctly, you should have a degree of contentment. You didn’t settle, you chose the right mate for life. Members of the opposite sex didn’t suddenly become unattractive to you. They still have natural beauty. But they do not have the things in life that you need. Your wife is attractive, there’s no doubt. But she also has a personality that mirrors yours. She has the knowledge of you to call you on to holiness and correct your wrongs. The compatibility between you cannot be matched.
This is just the beginning on contentment.
When I challenge you to be content, I’m asking you to move away from a consumer mentality. I’m asking you to consider that the things you have, the people in your life, and your personality are the right tools that you need, today, to build the Kingdom of God.